| sunset soon forgotten |
[10 May 2008|02:17am] |
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mood |
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 rushed |
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music |
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john mayer |
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i have so much on my mind. yeah my mind. so i have to do an english essay and a ap studio art essay and a health essay and i have to have a phone by monday or call my new job by monday to say i lost my phone and i have to do 10 current events for drivers ed and i have no car to drive me to work when i start next week and i have to buy clothes for the job and i want to be with cory every second but we always have shit like this on our minds.
lately ive been feeling super self concious. I feel self concious when i start to lose my friends. which i have officially lost them.
my room is really messy and everytime i clean it id just end up like this again and its rediculous i just throw everything out when this happens.
and its all linked. and its rediculous.
i dont exactly "get" life, but i feel alot more aware than i did. kyle makes me feel young and inferior and stupid and gross and id rather him not around. well yeah i miss him and not whoever he is now. yes its my fault and he doesnt make me do anything but his words are not communicable they have other meanings and none of them are accepting or loving. he loves to be neutral. i think neutral people are the worst people to be around. because they are decieving. they have too much going on for anyone to read or pick up on. jon is way to neutral. he has no feelings. except he loves feeling like he knows it all. i hate being around neutral people. greg is so different he isnt neutral but his love isnt extreme. hes a good balance of just being happy to communicate being alive. and i really enjoy him. i dont know what to say about brittany. i dont fit in with her at all anymore.
cosm is long gone.
which is so sad. but i feel myself moving on. even though im not getting anywhere yet.
i feel like on a normal level i think because when i walk into school people wave their hands at me or i see someone i want to talk to or they see me and its usually short but then i go into any classroom and theres some kind of greeting from anyone. if not then i feel them knowing im in the room. and then i feel progressivly worse by how i feel in my clothes but then i get amazing text messages from someone who loves my text replies. and then he wants to see me after school. and i do see him and i stay awake for him all night.
but then i wake up and i have no human contact for so many hours or the only human connection is a let down i feel empty and self pity and i have real thoughts of suicide because its so unbearable to be alone. but its only when im alone. like i'll even start to cry really hard. i feel so much emotion but i know i shouldnt. but when im alone no one in the world exists. not even cory. because when im alone cory is just a bunch of memories. as apossed to in school or with friends or with family or in public cory is whereever he is doing whatever hes doing and i love him. but when im alone he doesnt exist. my parents done exist. no one. school doesnt exist. the world doesnt exist. i cant even enjoy beautiful weather. i can to a point. but dont get me wrong i love my solitude. but not isolation. i like brief or long solitude whatever is nice. but not cold isolation.
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