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[05 Apr 2008|05:47pm] |
this is so bizzare. I am living like different worlds. Its so hard this situation i live in. like its all my mind and in my mind and manipulated by my mind but i like to see it in perspective when i read it and write it down so this is it. my boyfriend and i lost our love but not. Like he lost love for himself and love for humanity which like redirected like the whole idea of love which is freedom and expansion and Just love everything and everyone but there was so much hate in his love becuase it was just like wrong. it was hate for the people i loved also. and hats not love at all. how could you love someone when you hate that they love? ahaha. anyway
he figured it out its not cool and has been spreading his love which makes his love for us the most its ever been and thats how i feel too. I feel as though the more i love the more my romantic and unconditional love for this one person is so much more authentic and pure and beautiful. And this is basically loving your friends as well as anyone and opening up to anyone to love them and then loving your boyfriend which is a different love that radiates your joy. like the way friends do. except differently.
so it took me so long to help my boyfriend realize that. that loving your friends is essencial to your radiant being. and we broke up over it because he would try to control that and change it because it was wierd seeing me happy because of someone outside of him. so we broke up over it. because it was a learning experience. humans learn.
but so my friends were so happy when we broke up because he would bring me down when id be with them. so i was free of his bullshit so they were so happy. but i feel like one of my friends liked it because i finally left a boyfriend for her but its like. Whenever id stop seeing her its been the same reason for centuries why i dont want to be around her. its cause its wierd and i feel obligated and it doesnt flow and i get bored and i want to leave. and it still happens. i cant be alone with her for too long cause its like we both expect eachother to entertain eachother. and when someone else is there at least shes happy with them and i dont need to fill in what i cant fill. but anyway. so
my boyfriend realized that its all good and life is alright and just live and like i cant communicate to my friends that because they think people dont change and we're just like. going back to the familure and being weak beings. but wtf. I dont think they understand being in love with someone means that you dont want to stop being with them? Like above their stupidity they could do anything and we're still in love? I mean it definetly would of been selfish if i were to of stayed with my boyfrined when he was having a bad time and i wasnt helping hhim at all... but like we cant be away from eachother too long. a week was good. we got back on our feet. we really love eachother. we just want to be around eachother. when we broke up i was good for a few days but then ii missed him, like i missed singing and laying and dancing and hanging with friends. it felt like i lost a family member. weve been through so much already. i could of withdrawled him from my body but for what? I mean we love eachother. we want to love eachother. we're doing what we can so we can do that? why is that so bad?
yeah i mean, he tried to hold me back but. I dont blame him. his girlfriend went with a bunch of new people to the city and dropped a hardcore drug. And just because these people know above all this and know its not true. and that is not the case. you cant just expect other people to understand. at least right away.
but like they dont know who i was before i was with them. cory was my family. we had fights along with good times but i mean. are we not allowed to learn? we fight because we're learning and changing and growing. the hard way i guess because we're learning it all really. but we've had so many better times than bad. i only tell them the bad times because id like to talk to someone about whats going on ? but i mean, im not an asshole. if i knew this was a bad choice i wouldnt be with him. i dont NEEd him. But its like, I dont need them either than. and i dont need my parents and really i dont need clothing on and i dont need school or this computer and i really dont need to draw and take drivers ed. but Uh i kinda like all those things in my life ? I love them. i love cory i love everyone.
if all of a sudden my drawing pencils started to forget they were pencils and tried to be markers id let them down until they remember that theyre pencils again.
im not gonna exile them for life. i love pencils. i love drawing with pencils so much. let them do what they can so that they know that everythings alright so they can be who they are. and i will stop trying to force them to be pencils again. I'll let them figure it out.
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