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[24 Jun 2008|12:49am] |
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if suicide wasnt so painful I'd do it. I dont know how I'd do it. But i would. I think about the benefits of jumping out my window everyday. or if i get in a fight with my sister i'm just gona stop in the middle of it and stab myself in my gut. i dont want to be alive in this anymore. I have so much potential to be happy. but theres no reason to be. theres no reason to be happy. you can only appreciate what you have to an extent. I'm consumed by my house. I'm so thankful i have my own room. I'm so thankful to have an air conditioner and washing machines. I dont know if i'm ready to have a car because i dont think i'm going to pass my road test but i dont want to be in high school so i'm going to bigger kids high school. i'm scared as fuck and i wouldnt be if i can just talk to someone or be with someone bui'm always so fucking alone. cory is the only thing that makes me happy but when im with him i'm not happy because i take him for granted also because he doesnt do things that i need like talk to me or comfort me. he feels fake almost all the time he doesnt feel real and i wish i could accept him for who he is but i dont because i feel nothing in my life anymore. so when i need him he is not here because he probably thinks i dont care. so i take the only person in my life i have for granted. i dont understand why i dont understand i dont understand i dont understand i dont understaand. today jon imed me and said he doesnt know why people dont call me to hang out when people are thinking of me.??????????????????? what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk........... I cant stand it I dont know what to do i really dont want to be in this situation anymore. Ive been here since be and cory broke up and then got back together in april and it was here last summer. and im FREAAKING OUT CAUSE MY MOMS NOT GOING TO BE HERE ANYMORE SO I'M LEFT WITH JUST CORY AND A HOUSE WITH SOMEONE WHO HATES MEEEEEEEEEEEEE AND MY DAD WHO IS NEVER HOME AND TOO TIRED AND All i have is myself I love myself i dont want to die i like my body and my face and who i am I want to but i cant live like this anymore i dont know maybe i deserve it but i dont think i do and if i do then what the fuck did i doooooooooooooooooooooooogkjsfhjfhzshndfhdhdghdgh
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[23 Jun 2008|01:58pm] |
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zeppelin |
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my lifes a mess. All i can think about is how yesterday I was throwing up all afternoon/night and it was liike an hour after i took my birthcontrol pill. I was throwing up not cause of the pill though, it was cause of motion sickness from driving home from 6 flagss and it was horrible and i never want to feel that way ever again. but idont know if my body even absorbed it. and well i mean. I'll just keep taking the pill until its finished then not take them anymore. I hate this. I dont like taking birth control, I'm definetly gaining weight and it doesnt even matter that I'm not ovulating because I have no urge to even have sex with my boyfriend. I never want it. and thats good cause now i even have an excuse to not take it anymore. My boyfriend loves when i love him. he loves loving. But i am so drained from life that I dont respond to him well. And i hurt him all the time. I feel like I have no family. and i certainly do not have any friends! I dont understand whyyy though. Last february was amazing i was with people every weekend after school all the time. now anyperson i come in contact with just doesnt like me, or rather be somewhere else. And i try so hard to keep them entertained. and then I dont try and i let everything flow. BUt nothings flowing. I dont flow anymore. my mom hates me my sister hates me my dad is NEVER AROUND. And now I have to rely on my mom to take me to work. or whenever i urgently need a ride somewhere. and she feeds off of the dead air we have and turns it into I'm a horrible person and its like i make her cry EVERY daay. And I dont understand what I do. I dont understand why i'm such a bad person. I would understand if everything i did was intentional to hurt everyone. or if i knew something i do is bad. BUt i dont know what it is and this ignorance is blinding me from knowing. My sister is living here now! and so that forces me to be in my room when shes home. shes yet to raid my room and stomp her grounds through my personal life to make me feel like shit. which is good. But that means theres so much potential in my head about her being a bitch that im almost consumed by it. Yes. I let this all happen. I'm being weak ignorant and stagnant. I am tired. I want the wind to decide for me. I want my dad to come home. I dont want him to have to pay for a car for me. But if i dont have a car i cant go to school and i cant go to work because my mmom is leaving next week forever shes moving out so shes not around. i feel her wanting me to be a certain way towards her and i cant do it because it would be fake. I miss jon. I had a dream about jon last night. it was stupid though. I had a dream that me and him were naked, and he wanted to have sex with me. and i didnt feel or recognise that i was with cory still. I was completely in the now as if i didnt know my name or who i was or where i lived or anything. I was just naked, but i was with jon and he wanted to have sex with me. and i was about to like i was holding him and then my memories started to come back to me and so i put on my clothes and opened the door and corys room was right across the hall. and he was sleeping i peeked in to see and he was in his bed in his room sleeping and so i went back to jon to apologize and he was laughing at me for some reason and then everyone was there then i was like whatever i love cory i want to be with cory so i go over to his room because i missed his love and then brittany and haley were talking to him and i was disapointed cause i wanted to wake him up by laying next to him and so then i left again and i didnt want to see jon or anyone i just felt horrible because i felt like i cheated on cory because i was thinking about it so much that its basically cheating to think about having sex with another guy. and that was it. i thought his dream was significant because i have had dreams where Ive had sex with other guys and cory didnt exist a few times but this is the first time that cory came into my head. and hey corys also been growing more facial hair. so ive been thinking that hes been growing more of a realization to love and what not cause hes growing up and becoming more aware. I mean its kind of silly for a 19 year old to not be able to grow a beard by now?? and so well the significance is that i think now that hes being more aware and loving and accepting that now i'm starting to feel more connected to him so when i say I love him its not interupted by imaturity. and lack of flow and just disruption of how i feel. Which i mean, I wouldnt question the love of a child. because a child is so innocent and pure. cory has alot on his mind, alot of things that he just doesnt organize. so his words and actions are so jumbled and wierd and i cant read them and it makes it hard to understand him or feel him or connect with him. and i have been connecting with him now. and so when i have dreams about someone in my past i really do want to be with cory.
but i still miss jon. and everyone. it sucks. they are leaving but they dont hang out with my anyway :((!
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[04 Jun 2008|11:31pm] |
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bombay dub orchestra |
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I am currently employed lol like a real person and I am graduating high school in one week. I'm kind of in a transision phase right now because I want graduation to be over with and I want to have my car and have my life kind of start. ANd this transision phase kind of puts me in a hazey state. As if this isnt real yet. Which isnt really that awesome but Its so neutral that it doesnt really matter if its good or not. But i'm definetly a really happy person. Its not that i'm not creating my life to its fullest potential, its that I have to keep using alot alot alot more energy energy in order to feel its potential because of all the distractions that its draining. When all i really want to do is sleep. But i can't really do that. So i'm makin the best out of not being able to sleep. but its like I dont mind at all. I'd really rather be sleeping but its ok because i know its going to be over lol. And i am waiting for it to be over. and its going to be over in one week.
the reason why i dont mind it that much is because i know how it is to be so lost to not even have desires. I dont like to be alone. I love my boyfriend and I'm so greatful to have him because I just have no clinged onto any friends my high school career. I had so many friends growing up but now I don't have any really. I mean in school i have so many people that I love to see and am happy to always see and be around and they like me to be around but you wont really see me with them outside of school. actually you definetly wont see me with them. because i just dont stick with anyone. its like i'm the sperm that gets to the vagina but then i never am the first to the egg. I dont know what it is though. I think like, I'm really satisfied with just seeing cory all the time. But its like I really need things that I dont expect. Like I dont want to make friends just because I know I dont have any. And i dont want to like see a friend coming and being like cool i'm making friends ! I kind of dont want to make an effort anymore. because i made an effort this whole year with one group of people and now not only am i not their friends but they're leaving to california soon to live.
anyway.
my point is that my life is really really unstable right now. so many blind opprotunities. Because i dont know where I am really.
sometimes theres things with cory that he doesnt understand right away and I really would like to be around people that i dont have to think twice about all the time. LIke when i'm with cory hes my boyfriend so i always have to be reading him. I mean i am myself all the time. and i dont really change if i read him and hes not responding propperly. but it really mostly is about like manipulation of your actions when you read him and that gets tiring. WHat i love about cory though is that I"m not with him thinking well dang this is awkward i should think of something clever to say. its really free flowing and what i would manipulate what i read from him would be like i can see him feeling really good if i start to talk about how cute he is to him or I can see him having fun if i start to be more asertive or he needs his space i should be less asertive...i mean i like that and i like that its not like "this is awkward i wish i was home right now idk what im doing." like i am when im with friends. I want a friend that when im with him i'm not like.. I wish i was with cory right now cause i feel more comfortable with him. i want to want ot see them i want to want to see me.
oh well i think i'm talking to much about it
ps. I used this time to write instead of take a shower.
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[16 May 2008|05:03pm] |
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i lost myself... :( and its getting in the way of loving who i want to love. and its getting in the way of feeling myself to be able to feel others.
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| sunset soon forgotten |
[10 May 2008|02:17am] |
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john mayer |
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i have so much on my mind. yeah my mind. so i have to do an english essay and a ap studio art essay and a health essay and i have to have a phone by monday or call my new job by monday to say i lost my phone and i have to do 10 current events for drivers ed and i have no car to drive me to work when i start next week and i have to buy clothes for the job and i want to be with cory every second but we always have shit like this on our minds.
lately ive been feeling super self concious. I feel self concious when i start to lose my friends. which i have officially lost them.
my room is really messy and everytime i clean it id just end up like this again and its rediculous i just throw everything out when this happens.
and its all linked. and its rediculous.
i dont exactly "get" life, but i feel alot more aware than i did. kyle makes me feel young and inferior and stupid and gross and id rather him not around. well yeah i miss him and not whoever he is now. yes its my fault and he doesnt make me do anything but his words are not communicable they have other meanings and none of them are accepting or loving. he loves to be neutral. i think neutral people are the worst people to be around. because they are decieving. they have too much going on for anyone to read or pick up on. jon is way to neutral. he has no feelings. except he loves feeling like he knows it all. i hate being around neutral people. greg is so different he isnt neutral but his love isnt extreme. hes a good balance of just being happy to communicate being alive. and i really enjoy him. i dont know what to say about brittany. i dont fit in with her at all anymore.
cosm is long gone.
which is so sad. but i feel myself moving on. even though im not getting anywhere yet.
i feel like on a normal level i think because when i walk into school people wave their hands at me or i see someone i want to talk to or they see me and its usually short but then i go into any classroom and theres some kind of greeting from anyone. if not then i feel them knowing im in the room. and then i feel progressivly worse by how i feel in my clothes but then i get amazing text messages from someone who loves my text replies. and then he wants to see me after school. and i do see him and i stay awake for him all night.
but then i wake up and i have no human contact for so many hours or the only human connection is a let down i feel empty and self pity and i have real thoughts of suicide because its so unbearable to be alone. but its only when im alone. like i'll even start to cry really hard. i feel so much emotion but i know i shouldnt. but when im alone no one in the world exists. not even cory. because when im alone cory is just a bunch of memories. as apossed to in school or with friends or with family or in public cory is whereever he is doing whatever hes doing and i love him. but when im alone he doesnt exist. my parents done exist. no one. school doesnt exist. the world doesnt exist. i cant even enjoy beautiful weather. i can to a point. but dont get me wrong i love my solitude. but not isolation. i like brief or long solitude whatever is nice. but not cold isolation.
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[05 Apr 2008|05:47pm] |
this is so bizzare. I am living like different worlds. Its so hard this situation i live in. like its all my mind and in my mind and manipulated by my mind but i like to see it in perspective when i read it and write it down so this is it. my boyfriend and i lost our love but not. Like he lost love for himself and love for humanity which like redirected like the whole idea of love which is freedom and expansion and Just love everything and everyone but there was so much hate in his love becuase it was just like wrong. it was hate for the people i loved also. and hats not love at all. how could you love someone when you hate that they love? ahaha. anyway
he figured it out its not cool and has been spreading his love which makes his love for us the most its ever been and thats how i feel too. I feel as though the more i love the more my romantic and unconditional love for this one person is so much more authentic and pure and beautiful. And this is basically loving your friends as well as anyone and opening up to anyone to love them and then loving your boyfriend which is a different love that radiates your joy. like the way friends do. except differently.
so it took me so long to help my boyfriend realize that. that loving your friends is essencial to your radiant being. and we broke up over it because he would try to control that and change it because it was wierd seeing me happy because of someone outside of him. so we broke up over it. because it was a learning experience. humans learn.
but so my friends were so happy when we broke up because he would bring me down when id be with them. so i was free of his bullshit so they were so happy. but i feel like one of my friends liked it because i finally left a boyfriend for her but its like. Whenever id stop seeing her its been the same reason for centuries why i dont want to be around her. its cause its wierd and i feel obligated and it doesnt flow and i get bored and i want to leave. and it still happens. i cant be alone with her for too long cause its like we both expect eachother to entertain eachother. and when someone else is there at least shes happy with them and i dont need to fill in what i cant fill. but anyway. so
my boyfriend realized that its all good and life is alright and just live and like i cant communicate to my friends that because they think people dont change and we're just like. going back to the familure and being weak beings. but wtf. I dont think they understand being in love with someone means that you dont want to stop being with them? Like above their stupidity they could do anything and we're still in love? I mean it definetly would of been selfish if i were to of stayed with my boyfrined when he was having a bad time and i wasnt helping hhim at all... but like we cant be away from eachother too long. a week was good. we got back on our feet. we really love eachother. we just want to be around eachother. when we broke up i was good for a few days but then ii missed him, like i missed singing and laying and dancing and hanging with friends. it felt like i lost a family member. weve been through so much already. i could of withdrawled him from my body but for what? I mean we love eachother. we want to love eachother. we're doing what we can so we can do that? why is that so bad?
yeah i mean, he tried to hold me back but. I dont blame him. his girlfriend went with a bunch of new people to the city and dropped a hardcore drug. And just because these people know above all this and know its not true. and that is not the case. you cant just expect other people to understand. at least right away.
but like they dont know who i was before i was with them. cory was my family. we had fights along with good times but i mean. are we not allowed to learn? we fight because we're learning and changing and growing. the hard way i guess because we're learning it all really. but we've had so many better times than bad. i only tell them the bad times because id like to talk to someone about whats going on ? but i mean, im not an asshole. if i knew this was a bad choice i wouldnt be with him. i dont NEEd him. But its like, I dont need them either than. and i dont need my parents and really i dont need clothing on and i dont need school or this computer and i really dont need to draw and take drivers ed. but Uh i kinda like all those things in my life ? I love them. i love cory i love everyone.
if all of a sudden my drawing pencils started to forget they were pencils and tried to be markers id let them down until they remember that theyre pencils again.
im not gonna exile them for life. i love pencils. i love drawing with pencils so much. let them do what they can so that they know that everythings alright so they can be who they are. and i will stop trying to force them to be pencils again. I'll let them figure it out.
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[02 Apr 2008|12:58am] |
i think about all the nights that ive stayed up late talking to other men and i would forget about him for a while. and then i would just come back to earth and see him and love him still and even more. i think about how this all started. first it was me i needed something so he fulfilled it. and he loved that and iloved that he loved that. and so then the fulfillment was finished after it while because then he fulfilled the rest of me. so it was just him and me. and we loved eachother. but whenever our minds would interfere, there would be so much trouble. i wish he knew that i was learning. that every time i was a bitch or i lashed out or was mad at him was because i was learning to manipulate my mind. he would say something but words dont matter and he would just keep spilling useless words but words dont matter but i thought they did so i would let them matter inside me. and grow inside me. i let them go but its difficult to be pure after that. so then i thought even his kind words dont matter. even his loving words. how do i know it matters? then i thought, his sadness doesnt matter. then i thought i know that im going to pay for not taking in his sadness. but his sadness to me wasnt just sadness. because there was me who knew what i wanted, i wanted him and i wanted him to accept me and i wanted him to accept life and people. but he wouldnt even accept me. so his sadness was so useless it was as if he was brainwashing himself because he was sad over me but yet he doesnt really love me? because love isnt sad, love doesnt hurt. love doesnt want to tie me down. he lost all perception of what love was. and i lost perception of who he was. but the only time i can ever know who he is, is when he leaves me alone and i talk to other men and i miss him still. and then its like you would do anything to have that mind-fucking words around just because they are his words. i wanted to learn with him. i wanted to grow with him. neither of us would accept that and i dont know why.
when i was with jon for that one night. it was because cory was not there. it was cause cory was not in my mind. he was always and 100% with me but he was not in my perception. because if he was then that would mean more hurt more mind fucking. and i was done with mind fucking. i was told that i was to let go of even my love for him and even that thing that keeps you together even when your apart. so i did that. so i felt very pure. i felt as if there was no connection between me and another being ever. so the opprotunity came to embrace another person it was just as if i had never been with cory before. because he told me to let go of him! i wanted something stable i had to believe him on that. every second i thought of cory while it happened and he would just disinigrate from every thought at the same time. the next day i was feeling so numb. i wanted to be around jon because he was filling in what cory took away from me. but i was happy that he let me down on that. because i think he knew i didnt really like him. and the embrace was pure lust. pure lust. i never thought i would ever be able to lust for someone. but it happend. if he hadnt of been there it wouldnt of happend either! with only jon it would of happend i really know. because he was what cory lacked. jon had no mind. no strings attatched. kyle tried to embrace me i couldnt. it was just jon. so i'm fully aware on why it happend im fully aware of everything. it was a slutty move in the eyes of a monster table. but i dont want to be a villian. i really really just want to be human. and explain this so that i feel human and i can let it go and not think that i fucked my life up.
because it happend again. i was still like, uneasy about being with cory. because he was unstable. he doesnt want to be with me. he does. he doesnt. he loves me so so much. then he loves me a little. but what i learned from this relationship is that relationships have to have more than one person in it. well i mean. you have to have friends. last year was not good. i did give up my friends for him. and it wouldve been fine if the whole world wasnt being wasted by us staying inside a trailor home every day. and if he had no friends either. but he did. and i didnt so when we fought i was left alone and he wasnt so he saw everything as alright and im crazy. now the tables pretty muched turned cause he had no friends and i did and he was alone and i thougt he was crazy. i shouldnt of let him down. i shouldnt of. i know i knowww what its like to think your crazy because your alone.
but he started to become hostile. and i needed space in order to see him. but he would never give me space. and the space he would give me was not good. it was horrible. like it owuld be in vain and hate.
and i wish he knew what he was saying to me because if he knew then hed know why i said what i said which was that i dont want anything to do with him. its like. i cant just be friends with him. because i love him. so when he said i dont want to hate eachother i said i dont want anything to do with you was because i dont want to hate you or love you anymore. because its to much for me to handle.
but then again all i really want is for him to say goodnightbaby and goodmorning baby and hey love and kiss me and hold me and love me with no strings attatched. so why does all this have to come with this nonsense? i would of been with him for ever. if thats all we had thats all thats it.
i will never do acid again. i only a smoke cigarette because they calm me down when im hystericle . and i dont like getting high from pot because ive done acid and pot just doesnt match up to that. pot is like a mind drug and just scrambles your mind and acid takes you out of your mind. and acid exposed me to alot and now i dont want it now its a memory. i dont want to do mushrooms. i dont want to take ecstacy. and i have a feeling i will be exposed to alot of that and one day i will and then i will have a new opinion but i wouldnt if i was with cory because i wouldnt have any chance to experiment with anything and it just wouldnt happen and i would have no desire. but when cory says you cant do this or i wont love you thats not far and it makes me feel trapped even though i dont want to do it. i dont want to do drugs. i dont really care about getting high at all.
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| i just cant stop |
[29 Mar 2008|01:23pm] |
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last night was so bad! I mean i had an amazing time at amos house. i'll talk about that. so everyone got to amos. but kyle was on mushrooms and so was ben. but they were totally casual. then at amos house we all got ready for amos suprise party. his mom like was like do this do this all mom-like. there were people there who i didnt usually see which i liked except they were so young and by young i dont mean age really even though their age was young i mean that they were like really into their minds instead of looseygoosey so jon lit my hair on fire and we danced really hard and went outside and smoked cigarettes and like ran down his street (this is after "suprise!") and like just was crazy out of control then there was like this seance going on and we all just joined in i mean we were just bullshitting like chanting cool sounds and haha being idiots so me and britt have a riegn dance around them and its cool then amos mom is like WTF AREY OU DOING GET IN THE HOUSE haha and she was totally freaked out by it. so we go in the backyard play freeze tag and freedom and roll around in goose poo and then me and matt wanted to cheer up amos mom so we said whats up? and shes like i want to take you guys to baskin robins and get you ice cream. like as if no one would do it so me and matt and britt got everyone amped for free ice cream and then we get it except she pays for things that she didnt need to pay for like 2 water bottles that brittany bought seperately cause there was so many people. and i had ice cream and one kid who i didnt know was like to his friend probably girlfriend on his phone "i just ate invisible ice cream" but it wasnt invisible it was totally real. then we were all like "i dont wana go to the beach" and i was definetly like that. becuase last time was horrible at the beach didnt enjoy it ata ll because it was so cold and i was like alone the whole time. and i remember last time i was like really upset cause of cory parading me and handling me and yelling at me and forcing me and controlling me all that night so i was like in my own world. and it made me really mad that everyone was high and i wasnt so i went in the car and slept to be warm cause i cought a horrible cold that night but sooner or later people came over to see me which i really liked and i smoked a cigarettte to remind myself its all good. but this time we go to the beach and their like we're jsut gona stay in the car and i'm like alright then i'll do that. so we do that for a while but then they leave me in the car and i'm like alright its okay theyll be back but they didnt come back! they just stayed there for so long like 3 hours! so i started to hyperventilate. because it was so cold and i had to pee so bad and i hadnt eaten anything and i felt so like lost and alone and i just felt my body start to sshake and cry and breathe rapidly. my heart was beating SO HARD. it wasnt from that one hit of a tanked ass bowl. it was my mind. it put on a projection screen all the things that were coming up from constant repression. like nick and how i feel about him and how cory never let that go and how cory is so insensitive and how he was never the same person so like i was never really in love with him because he never was who he really was and that when he was in love with me that wasnt real either because he was being controlled by codependance and i thought it was real but thats why i hated it
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[27 Mar 2008|09:18pm] |
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mozella |
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so this is my life. well in order to comprehend my life ill have to start from the beggining. so i was born. from my mother. duh and my dad and they loved eachother and they wanted to love eachother but my mom started to have her opinions and my dad had his and they just kept baattling about whos a better person or whatever. and so it was pretty much happy and alright and managable untill the first time my sister stopped liking me it was when i was looking out my window and i didnt want to play outside for some reason and lauren did so she had a hose and sprayed water through my window but totally just jokingly and thought i'd laugh and be like heyy wtff and come out there and beat her up but instead i told on her probably because i felt like for some reason i had to have control over her i guess cause shed always have control over me so from then on she was a total bitch to me. so all i saw from her was bitch bitch bitch and she hates me and im worthless and ugly compared to her. she was always the superior one. so around pulaski i started to get mad at her for that so i started to take her clothes thinking it would be like hey can i have that back ? thanks or like how sisters usually are like its aight just return it. but she wasnt she HATED me for it. so things like that kept going on she kept hating me deeper and deeper so i just didnt care that she had always had better clothes than me, better gifts, better room, better this that. you know. i was little whatver i thought she always was beter than me. so i didnt care and i wanted to be cool so i'd take her clothes and it became a habit because of how i felt in them compared to how i felt in my own clothes. my own clothes i felt fat and nasty and dirty and sloppy and i would have the worst flip out attacks because i felt so wrong in my own skin and my own clothing ALWAYS it was a terrible sickness i dont know why or why i deserved that or how that got into my head but i let it control me so since even now i steal her clothing because of this terrible self esteem disorder i have about my own clothing. its been ALOT better lately. but i cant keep clothes for more than a few months before they need to be thrown out :(. so i steal my sisters because its new and clean and i feel like a girl in them. so yeah theres that. so basically thats all me and my sister are. is that im a horrible dirty ugly fat person who was born deranged and im worthless and everytime i see her shes better than me. and shes my family. so i feel her in my blood. but this is just like a back of my head problem that i repress that just surfaces whenever it feels like but it likes to surface whenever anything bad happens. so i grow up a little bit i have alot of boyfriends. really interested in boys. really horny. but in like a loving way. like i really loved the boys id be with. every boy i tried to be with forever. i would always have the longest relationships ahah like a month would be SOOO long but in 8th grade i had a relationship with a boy that i loved the most. fell in love with him the minute i saw him. then we started to becoem friends. then it started to be that there would not be one night we wouldnt talk online and then we started "dating" but i told you the whole sequence of events of that because we "dated" for 5 months but we started being friends 4 months before that and talked for like 3 months straight ya know so it was amazing thats all i can say and he was amazing and i felt everything make sence to what love should feel like. but then one day in chorus the high schoolers came over to sing for us and i saw bre t chezz z eever(its like that so you cant google his name or anything) and he had soooo much charisma and was so funny and just radiated happyness and love and i really admired that. then i tried to picture N doing this and i couoldnt. he would think it was gay and plays and singing is gay and it really made me sad. then he started to feel a dependancy toward me. which was half dependancy half i am finding my way in life and so we started to stop being in love with eachother it was more like routine and make the other person happy so i broke up with him . but i still loved him. and so i felt lost and i needed ground but then kyle and greg and russell came along i got over n but not really because i missed him but i had alot of friends who took me to the beach and hung out with me and made music and it was so fun. then n hated me. so i hated myself. so then i lost them as friends for some reason. we went to a concert then after that they became drug addicts and i dindt like being around greg because he was wierd or something so i stopped seeing them then welli was in high school by then and i met some cool friends but not outside of school. then i started to "be" with some kid who looked alot like n but nothing like him at all except stubborn. and it was a total waste of time. because i did not do anything that year nor did i learn anything except i met cory who id talk to alot alot. so the whole year im with this kid cause i dont beleive in breaking up with anyone anymore cause i was so hurt from this n kid so by the summertime i get really depressed cause i dont really like chris and he didnt hang out with me ever so i joined an acting class and that was cool i learned alot it was definetly worth it. so by the summer i start talking to cory again and its amazing hes everything n wasnt and everything chris isnt so i broke up with chris. not thinking me and cory would get together but we did. and i lost my virginity to him. still didnt think wed be together. but we were. then i thought cory would make n be okay with me. but he didnt. so a year goes by and me and cory are still together and happy until next summer. we break up. get back together. break up get back. because i became dependant i dropped all my friends meaning brittany for him because she liked to smoke weed and drink and i didnt. and cory liked to do that and i didnt and he liked to do that with his dad/ friends and i didnt so i was alone. then we got over that when i went to conneticuit with my dad and got drunk with some kids at a wedding that i never told cory about but it made me realize drinking is not to be so funked up about. so me cory andy and alexa went to a show for 2 days and stayed in a hotel in new jersey and it was amazing except cory was distant then we were amazing cory bought me a cat then in december down hill he wants to get drunk and all that jazz and stuff so he breaks up with me to party and be free so i break loose myself and smoke ALOT of pot and hang out with new friends and i was in love withe veryone not just cory and we broke up for real so i didnt want to hurt anymore so i stopped hurting. so i was brand new. so the first thing i do is fall in love. not in real love. in like. hey i really appreciate you as a person. then we are rolling around on the floor and doing physical things. then i really like him. but i dont love him. then i really really really like him. then i dont love him ata llthen cory comes back to me. now hes in love 100% all his energy toward love. that means no energy toward himself. just 100% blinding spotlight onto me. so i go out with these new friends. and hehates it. he calls a millllion times. i hate it. i feel suffocating so i have to sneak my way around to be with friends. then i go to the city with these people. to the most amazing place. its all artwork. alex grey's artwork. its dancing in the dark with lights and its laying on pillows with amazing people and talking and dancing and connecting and philosiphigngsgsn and being real and reality and so i payed 10$ to drop a substance on my hand and i licked it then later on in a white room at the top of a stairway i met a guy his name was jon and he was amazing and i felt amazing vibes from him he makes music and had a little bit of a gut and a hand on his shirt with roots coming out of it and so i never saw him again and then his friend said free free so i had another drop on my hand and i licked that then the rest of the night everything WAS SO CLEAR TO ME. i wasnt in my body i was a spirit and i had no physcal burdons on me i did not need to eat i didnt need to walk or jog i danced for 8 hours straight with people i love and talked for hours about life and became enlightened from the exposure of living out of my physical and being about to 100% accept my spirituality like i do with my physical. now i can balance the two since then not from the drop. the drop is how people precieve it. some people see it as just a high or whatever. but it exposed me to something not in a way a drug addict would. i dont need to do it again. i realized what i realized but and it was amazing and i learned from it very very much. i felt the extreme of both worlds and now i can be one person. so cory ever since then never forgave me. so hes 100% focused on me except he cant see my view i dont want to see his cause i was that way a year before and it sucked and this veiw is growing and learning and loving i mean its not a way love is the way and he hates it all and conforms into himself. and soevery tiem we fight he hangs out with n to piss me off and to go to his friends to feel sane i guess and they are idiots who like to hate me and wallow and hate and stay where they are and never grow and be assholes to humanity so he loves that cause its usual and im unusual so then i do only sober things for a very sober long time till i had a cigarette at a camp fire in back of jons car because i was sick of fighting and i just wanted to be inside myself so then more fighting it never ends some good things maybe i mean we always have good times but its always balanced out by bad things so finally today i talk to my good long term friend brittany and we talk and she helps me realize that real love isnt codependant and doesnt make you unhappy or seclude you and it doesnt hurt and it doesnt come with trouble and it doesnt watch your every mood or anything and it definetly doesnt judge you. so i will follow love and let him find himself because its selfish to keep him around when he doesnt even know what he needs when what he needs is to find his ground so i'll let him go and push him away if i have to and ween myself off his love and him off mine and here i am in that thought so i wonder what will happen.
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[16 Jan 2008|11:26pm] |
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my love is dried up again. i need another break. it hurts. Im tearing up . I'm not crazy. its just sad. that i cant get through to those who dont deserve to be trapped inside their minds. and i dont think that its fare that being myself i look unattractive i dont think its fare that I am giving everything and i feel neutrality back. nothing more than 0 nother less or more. just absolute neutrality. no real feelings. not sadness not happyness not anger not dispar not anything. It hurts alot. everything i say goes through a machine on whether or not i'm taking it the right way. and i hate it. i dont want tot look at myself as unstable. because i'm not. i'm not. but i can only determine that when i have people in my life. i need loved ones. I need to love someone. and its always. i realized that. thats what i care about is people an dits not fare that i have to do that. because its disipline to be able to withstand being alone. i mean. the only time i feel the intensity of someone going out of their way to feel something real is when they have something for my physical body. and its so hard for me to find real love with someone, say a girl, because they arent attracted to me physcially i cant feel anything from them. its so hard for me and i dont know why. I cant feel anything from anyone. i dont feel included with anyone. like i'm not witty enough or fun enough or i'm annoying. and alli can think about is nick. how i fucke dup with him. it fucks with my head. andi can tell i'm never going to be able to let go of that. and its not fareee that i cant let go of it. he is the ultimate example of what i am so paranoid of. being unaccepted because he thinks i'm inhuman. i'm not worthy. when i'm a human being. its like i'm a black person in the 1800's. or a jew in the haulocost. theres no wayyy of ever loving me. and not "loving" like a relationship. I mean just loveing a human being. you limit your love. AND i dont mean A boyfriend girlfriend! i dont know what i mean. i cant explain myself. i need ot leern to be more verbal. I need to learn to know where to put my energy. i have to condition myself a little bit or else i'm just going to go crazy. right now im directing it to the fact that no one is online right now and i need human contact to know that i'm still okay that i'm not an alien implanted with alien thoughts.
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| in love on my bed underwater |
[15 Jan 2008|01:05am] |
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grateful |
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what is real is unnessisary. because logic is unnessisary. reality is not just what you see and touch. reality to me is what i feel. so the difference between now and my last entry was that i was looking at reality through logic. and to be totally honest, right now I am on a plane of complete emotional comfort(..that i am currently debating if iam actually depending on it, or just basking its glory.) when before i was looking for comfort through logicall reality. anxious reality. because it makes you feel anxious... not radient of warm sun rays. i have everything i need. . i am sooo in love with life. i cant believe how greatful i feel right now/
so i was layin in my bed, and i was stretching my legs. and it was amazing.
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[05 Jan 2008|02:54am] |
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completley completely completely lost. totally out there. I feel dumb. I feel unsatified. I feel edgy. I feel restless. I feel soooo wrongg. I dont know whyy.
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[03 Jan 2008|09:50pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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music |
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daphne loves derby |
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im so lost. i wish i could say that I know what i'm doing but i dont. I dont even know how i feel. I'm trapped in a neutral battle between what is real feelings ...again. I wish i wasnt always guessing. I mean, i love love dont get me wrong i love the people around me so much and i'm happy with myself but theres something missing always. always. or actually once in a while. I dont know what it is but around a certain someone i'm not present. I'm not there. I'm nottt and i dont know why. its always been like that. alwalys. i hate it. i hate it so much. so it gets me horny because that way i feel something thats remotely amazing. and then afterwords i just dont care and i'm add and on to the next thing. Thats not good! :( I dont know what i'm doing. I was really happy that one week. i was healing so perfectly. I dont know why i'm in love with him. it hurts me to be in love with him because i feel like he has so much to learn and he cant just learn from me. he needs so many things to make him experience life. and it hurts because i cant see anything in him. i look in his eyes and i search and search but i cant find it. i dont even know what i'm looking for anymore. I love him because hes human and we're human. and he doesnt deserve to be judged at all. but hes gone all the time. somewhere else. and its not his fault he just does it. he wants the glory of life but hes sooo comfortable in something else. and he doesnt wanto to share it with me. he hides it all from me and it HURTS. because then i feel like im worthless. why should i feel worthless though? I dont want him to be my only life. I love other people too. i love so many people. but i feel so worthless sometimes. its not even that though i guess. because thats so rash to say something like that. its so subtle. if you watched him and I we are soo good for eachother. but i dont just look at puppy love and friendship. i need real love. and i dont feel real love from him. he tries i think, but he has no energy for it. his energy is somewhere else. so i dont know what to do. I like to put my energy into what i'm doing at the moment. right now all my energy is going into this journal entry. but if he was writing a journal entry he would just be having so many other things going on his mind. right now this is exactly what i'm concerned with. and so i have to write about it. so just now that reminded me of how ive been in school lately. I've been sooo happy!!! ive been having fun with no strings attatched. or psychological throw up i always try to digest. haha. idk. but its just how i feel in school, i want that feeling with the love of my life too. its not like its like this all the time i guess, because he is an a amazing person. but when it happens it hits me deep and i feel it for a long long time. and it adds up if i linger on it. which i guess i wont do anymore because i'm concious of it. I really really needed that break we had because i learned so mucha bout what it feels like to be self sufficiant. and its not ignoring him. because thats just seeking attention. its assuring him of his leaverage and leaving to be on my own. its phenominal when i think about it. its sooo beautiful. it has nothing to do with compitition. i hate that so much. its kind of flattering to hear him want my attention so much. but its stupid because its just one little insecure feeling that changes. like i remember thinking...one day hes gonna stop with all these constant calling and worry and just not care anymore. I dont want insecure feelings that change. I want real love. real love you dont "change." its just love. You love. thats it. so how how how how how to feel something when he is elsewhere in his head? i dont know. Its not okay for me to feel this way and then go home to punish him by ignoring him. its nottt. I mean as much as i dont want to be around him when hes an idiot...its not right because hes innocent. hes ignorant. ignorance isnt okay either but i cant tell him that. he has to find it on his own. i think he can only do that by experimenting and finding and creating and things of that sort. relationships are for families. because me and cory are Fammily. we're not husband and wife but we have a dedication to eachother because we love eachother in a way that would be good for a family. but we're not ready for a family yet. but its a dedication. we found it. i found something that alot of people wish for. He has tender and unconditional dedication in him. he knows that he has to experiment also. which is what makes him doubt. and thats what makes me doubt us. because whats left for us? we've experienced all there is between lovers. we have a habitual and consistant love for eachother. everyday i love him everydayyy. its a good thing. i could love him ffor the rest of eternity. but when hes lost i know its because he needs to feel real things. he needs to have experiences in him enough to say that hes satisfied.
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[01 Jan 2008|09:20pm] |
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music |
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karsh kale |
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so this is my meditation. because here i feel no obligations. i dont have to change my words around to sound different. i chose to be totally straight out with what i have to say tonight about my winter vacation 2007. I feel sooo wrong all the time. The only time something felt perfectly...idk a word...stable? just neutral. hovering above the surfice and just gliding. the only time this happened was the dayy that i hung out over jons house and we were drawing and then he drove me home. anything else was just plain hurtful and destroying. so its official that sex controls a guys mind. i cannot have one guy friend without him thinking that i have some wierd angsy mysterious behind-my-boyfriends-back love affair with them. and by "every guy" I mainly mean one guy who i really thought was my really good friend friend since 5th grade. yah maybe i am that stupid to believe he actually cares about me and not "cares" about me like the way he puts it. he misunderstood me when i said "you turn me off" and stopped talking to me for weeks. And after me and cory broke up. i started hanging out with him and jon and dan because i really like them alot. i love jon and his vibe we have and how kyle and i listen to everything we say to eachother. and how dan is just cool with everything. i really needed that atmosphere. but i just fuck everything up. i mean just talking about this makes me think that im taking too much time to think about this but its like..i'm the only one contronting all of this and it really isnt that simple. well what this is all about is that me and jon felt eachother a little too much one night and kyle gets jealous because he thought he would be the one. but i just didnt feel kyle at all. i knew thats what he wanted. thats all he wants from me. and it hurts. and i duno me and jon always had a relaxing vibe i thought that...if cory and i are really over than i am free to do what ever i want. And i was also on a streak of taking everything as it comes. accepting everything. (Except kyles intentions :( because i really didnt like that) and i went for the embrace between me and jon because i knew it would be there. he knew it too. he just seemed like a really sweet soul and thats what im really attracted to. its not that I'm like trying to get cory back or that i want to get kyle back or that i'm trying to do anything i wasnt trying to do anything! i just really liked the feeling i had with jon that night. cory was gone to me. he was non existant. i didnt think for a moment that cory and i would get back together. but its not like i didnt think of him. I was thinking of him the whole time! which is horrible. but it was only 2 weeks of withdrawel from 2 years of being around him. and loving him. and feeling only him. I felt different skin for the first time in 2 years. more than that. the last time before cory was 3 years ago. I'm not complaining or anything. Its just that i get really impacted by the touch of anyother human being, so i will remember what it feels like to feel someone. I love withe verything i have. I cant not do that. I cant half ass love someone! i loved nick. I loved him so much that i didnt care about myself enough. so i let go of him when i thought he didnt love me. when i was still in love with him. And so i come home from work and cory leaves me messages apon messages saying to unblock me write me back and what not. and im like omg...as soon as i am set off to be on my own. as soon as i am stable without him. as soon as i am convinced that it is possible to be captivated by another human being. as soon as i stopped thinking about cory he comes back into my life. and of course i take him back. because i do love him. hes such an idiot but i love him. SO i feel like I'm living like 10 different lives. i finally felt like i wasnt waiting for something. and now i see what it is that i was waiting for. i was waiting for detatchment from love. which is not what i had in mind when i started dating cory. i remember sitting on the beach convincing myself that this wont last because i was really in love with nick before and i cant fall in love again and i will just end up like me and nick and i dont want that. because nick hates me. he hates me so much that he pretends that i never existed. but i am doing to be attatched unless i have some kind of leaverage. Like a friend? :( a friend who will just be there no matter what. that i can always feel safe with. no strings attatched. i dont have to "hook up" with anyone in order to find myslf detatched from someone i love but thats what happened because i realized that I can move on and that i can feel other human beings. and it makes that irritable haze in our relationshiop disapear when i realize that i can move on if i have to. i dont need guys to "want me" in order for me to feel accepted. I really just want a group of friends that are my friends and we found eachother because we like eachother's presence because we are mutual friends. i'm sick and tired of all this drama that happens between the boys in my life.
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| i really liked this |
[10 Dec 2007|10:46pm] |
e yelikecray0n z: good im gladd i kind of felt you werent whole or something
e yelikecray0n z: thats why i was jokin about your sexual abundance hahah
jonpoopcheen: it was funny cause i think you hit key point
jonpoopcheen: and i didnt really relize it untill you mentioned it
e yelikecray0n z: really? well i like how your feelin to me right now :-)
jonpoopcheen: mmmmmmmmm
jonpoopcheen: i feel even stronger to you now that you said that
jonpoopcheen: i like the way you feel toward me
jonpoopcheen: how you care
e yelikecray0n z: my god we could create another sun
jonpoopcheen: hahah:-D
e yelikecray0n z: hahahh
jonpoopcheen: we have its just not fully here yet
e yelikecray0n z: yeah i want to hug it thoughh
jonpoopcheen: oh the warmth
jonpoopcheen: what a wonderouse way to get out of your body
jonpoopcheen: just turn into flying energy all the sudden
e yelikecray0n z: yeah just going towards this ball of light and energy and then your energy makes it bigger
jonpoopcheen: haha
e yelikecray0n z: the wonders the wonders
jonpoopcheen: and im sure it welcome its creators very happily
e yelikecray0n z: yeah because you dont see their body just their purity
jonpoopcheen: ooooooowoooooo
jonpoopcheen: p u r i t Y
e yelikecray0n z: that word makes me feel like i jumped in a bottle of vitamin water
jonpoopcheen: hahaha
jonpoopcheen: never thoght of it like that
jonpoopcheen: thats good stuf then
e yelikecray0n z: hahah definetly is
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[04 Dec 2007|12:29pm] |
I've never appreciated cold weather this much before. i can sleep better. the best thing is though---fullfilment. Wholeness. Its easy to feel that way now espescially with this cold weather. The cold isn't magical or anything, i was really just getting concerned about global warning. But its definetly going to be a real winter this year.
im actually in a sliiight predicament. i have alot of work to do. [english 11-2 essays. english 12- 7 to 11 chapter journal writes and 5-12 chapter questions. Us history- 2 homework assignments.] and i have alot of artwork and alot of expensive makeup in my bag with just endless of my loved possessions and i left it in a violin room at school when i painted sets for the school play yesterday! i feel really edgy because of it. i feel really good though so its kind of wierd how i cant help myself with something like this. im trying really hard to fit in with this society and i need so many things to possess in order to feel loved by this continent and its been workng so i'd have to start all over again if i lose thattt.
i kind of feel stupified because I just dont write as much anymore. Its not even that i'm avoiding it i just dont have a desire to. or maybe cause i'm so distracted.
so this week has been extra busy, i go to school go to detention haha paint sets go to schooll hang with cory do loviedovie with cory get sick :[ my birthday going out to dinner with my dad going out to dinner with my mom work at michaels resteraunt. ballet class clean my room clean the fish tank fight with my dad about a cat that was given to me! like, its not that i cant process any of it but i dont feel any meditation in it. any peace or space between them. like i just decided to stay home from school today and it helps except i would of been able to finish so much work today if i hadnt of left my bag at school!
i love my boyfriend though. such a beautiful person.
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[14 Oct 2007|11:30pm] |
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I've grown alot in this journal. I've grown so much that, I'm becoming more and more silent. I envy the people who let their mind show exactly who they are. I am pretty sure that, human beings are human beings and that they only have their experiences and the choices they've ever had in their subconcious, humans that arent aware of their concious and their surroundings are just as human as someone who knows and observes and studies and lives for the spirituality of life. I dont exactly know what the right and wrongs are in life. I dont predict the future, i dont always have the right answer, but i feel absolutely everything. I feel what goes on in the balance. I feel whether or not if i'm in love or not i know that even though i dont have a better spiritual connection with the one i love it doesnt mean i dont love them or that i have to be finished with him. I've wondered for a long time what it was that made me and him so different and i realize that i love the minds of humans and he loves the idea of chemestry. So if you think about it in terms of how i define what love is....(love is a mirror image to someone esle of how you love yourself) then that seems irrelevant. that we're just using eachother. but something tells me that we're not done with eachother. we could never be done with eachother. i think that if i was with somebody else whom all i do is connect spiritally with, we'd be soooooo successful. but my boyfriend and i are not done with eachother. so all that anxiety i ever had about relationships, it was all because i couldnt accept some of what he believed in. i cried once when he told me that everything was pointless and that theres no point to anything. probably because i was looking for him to tell me something that i'd like to learn from and he shows me he has no idea about the air and the light and the people. but we're so young you know? i feel older. i know that i was in alot of situations that my subconcious is still concious of, and it tells me what to feel when something occurs. like the opprotunity to graduate early. i felt SO strongly about it. i never felt so certain of somethin in my entire life. i mean, it may be a disaster, i might of had my best year senior year, but you know what? i have something that i'm certain of. no doubts, that i felt that i had to do this. maybe i'll figure it out. its probably the atmosphere. i want to be surrounded by love and its hard for me to feel love for myself when i'm so blinded in school. its not an open place to be. so thats basically it. i love you
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| la la la |
[25 Sep 2007|07:11pm] |
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numb |
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I think that being ignorant is bliss. I think that if i wasnt so numb i'd feel someone love me. I think that i have a goal and working towards it is an excuse for not caring about anything else. I want to get some good grades for once. so i'm listening and taking in the things i need to do in an organized fashion. so its okay for me to not care about my boyfriend because nothing matters to me anymore but getting some kind of goal accomplished. its not because i think that he will be in my way, its because we're not fluffy and airy we're dense with blood sucking pistols of fire into our mentality. and i dont need that. if i was ignorant, i would not think of him as a human being, someone with truth inside them (the truth that i cant understand), if i was ignorant i would just think love love love thats it.
but now adays it finally feels good to sit back and not care anymore.and fess up to myself that i cant really love anyone (and by love i mean 'be romantic with', loving is easy, i will love cory no matter what, but romance and importance and passion is different) because there was a time in my life i really believed in people, and now i cant anymore because they just let you down way too much. it seems pretty stupid to say that, but i have no room for nonsence anymore. at least for now.
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[25 Aug 2007|03:31am] |
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Right now. Where has the time gone? When is....right now....a good time for you to change? right now? Come onnnnnn. Come to me. where ever you are. I need you now. Get rid of all this other nonsence in my life. thats directed to the things we do. it will just happen! and you'll love it! and everythings okay! I need you right now. I seek knowlegde. I seek value and passion. I'm stalling here with these people around me. I did not attract these people, they all look at me and send these people to me and I allow it because I've yet to see you! I dont know how to sleep. I know how to eat because thats between me and my body. But my body a partial spirit that has once lied in your body. and I want you to be aware of it all! Of the exact location to where you've been inside my brain or intetines or whatever really exists out here!
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