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[22 Nov 2009|12:21pm] |
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I got laid off at bestwestern,
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| my job |
[11 Jun 2009|11:37pm] |
I've been working at Best Western for a year now, and there is a problem with our whole system of management at the front desk. And now they want to have one of the sales managers become the front desk manager which is a huge downgrade for her position. I offered to do the night audit so that the night auditor can be the front desk manager and then she night auditor said she doesnt want to work the day shift. The supervisor of the front desk is only the enforcer of the laws at the desk and doesnt really manage anything, and she cant be the front desk manager because she works at the holiday inn too much. and the only other person that works there besides me is this girl who works audit sometimes and sometimes works the desk in the day but she's been here like 6 months and just isnt a good candidate for the posision. which now it just occured to me that I am the only other person who is on the cusp of being able to manage the front desk. Although, then they would have to find someone to cover my shifts as front desk representative...if i was front office managaer then that would mean that could mean i could take
fuck it. hahahah
who knows what will happen
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[17 May 2009|08:13pm] |
It is May 16th 2009 and I am currently sitting in a computer chair at work behind the front desk. It has been silent for about an hour and a half. I am grateful for this. But its a tease. this job really wants to suck my blood. at any moment it will erupt. but i was just reading over past entries and i have to say that Im not proud of what i wrote. i realize that my mind is completely illogical and in every direction and has no complete thought or organization of thoughts; things like that. and I am actually ashamed of that.
I wish my life was interesting. I mean it could be to someone who wants to feel like they want to relate to someone but I would really like to make my life an adventure. something I'm proud of.
my life 3 weeks ago was different. I was alone, but I didn't feel any different. Except that in order for me to see someone, on the ride there i would have to put some kind of jam music on that i can pump up for or else I'd be a sitting duck. and it worked. the fact that i was unattached created this vibration from me
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[11 May 2009|10:39am] |
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I'm a mess. Once again.
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[10 May 2009|07:29pm] |
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make it solid beneath my feet when i walk through my mind no more black holes where I am supposed to know certain a certain responsible strength that will lead me to a destination that makes the next road easier
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| accept the too good to be true |
[03 May 2009|01:37pm] |
here anymore? I'm missing it. but i never had it. it was just illumined as a perfect picture. acceptance. calm. music. no worries. its still hard to say whats going on. I want others to be happy around me. but is it my responsibility to excite their life? to an extent i have the responsibility to love their presence. but for them to love my pressence there must be presents for them ? sure why not.
digging in the dirt for diamonds. there is something in me dark and sticky. this time. that time i told myself. drive the car. shut my mouth i know what i am. i wont say nothing i'll keep my hands on the wheel, i'll turn around this is for real.
I am digging in the dirt, finding the places i've got hurt. opening up the places i've got hurt.
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[02 May 2009|01:09am] |
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the other day my clock stopped working it stopped at like 9 something when i came home from work i knew it was 11 but i just left it. so for a few days it was at 9 like 40. and then slowly it started to work again. when it actually started to work at almost the right time maybe like 40 minutes off which i thought was pretty cool. I had my 2 good friends over and they were like wow is it really 10:30? and im like nah that shit dont work. and theyre like nah it really is...showed me their cell... i was like whatttt i swear it wasnt working and of course they dont believe me. so today i looked at my clock, 7:48 still? i came home and i turned my head and felt it was rested too long in one posision and was liberated of stillness as i turned to my clock because that usually means im tired. fuck its 7:48. no matter how many times i look at it still 7:48. My back is tired so i move it. everything creaks. i want to cuddle someone.
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| maybe its time to update |
[30 Apr 2009|04:04am] |
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so today i was in someones bed but someone else was there and there were so many fingers but I only liked 10/20 of them and i traced the fingers that i liked and both 5 of each were traced to a body that was warm and vibrant the other fingers were crawling uninviting like spiders and dead weight although i love them, at times of vibration id rather be alone with a single embrace of attention not to pay any attention to those who creap my stomach without warning. a peircing touch. a sad one. i loved the 10 fingers of love. i live for them and the dark. i love for them again in my bed alone
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[29 Apr 2009|12:37am] |
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its about time i write in here again...so many things are changing. anyway. i dont want to write. i have a sore throat.
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[22 Apr 2009|01:00pm] |
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i wont give you up love
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[10 Apr 2009|04:53pm] |
everyday it will be everyday it will be everyday
i want you everyday i want you everyday i want you everday
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[09 Apr 2009|11:49pm] |
dont care how much we fight. i want you forever. i dont care how much you hurt me, because it shouldnt hurt. i miss you every second we're away and I love missing you because it means that it will be that much better to have you when I do. if i do.
i hate how i dont know what the fuck is right because it makes it that much annoying when we are forced to chose...
i had a thought "make a goddamned choice even if its the wrong one" because whatever i was feeling was not right and who the fuck knows what is right.
the best thing in the world according to the world is to be single as long as possible
dont need the stress.
but i love you and fuck it all because i want to kiss you so hard and i hate it your not here and not going to be and i cant let my guard down because you still wont be there and ill have no guard and ill break down again.
i do have ground i guess because i really am wanting to move away. if it really works...ill miss you even more. and ill pretend we're together and but its okay because it will make it that much better if i were to ever play with your fingers again.
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[07 Apr 2009|07:25pm] |
I am so fucked. I dont know what I want to do with my life. I really cannot be home anymore. I know this because I am currently in Florida visiting my mom and grandparents. And no one really cares that I am away. I am thankful for kyle cause I've been talking to him recently. anyway. cory doesnt call or text me and when he does its empty unenthusiastic unloving and unhappy. i need to get the fuck out of that place. i need to get the fuck out of this place too.
i'm so clustered because i have so many options and i am so alone in the situation.
- I can go to school somewhere and have no money what so ever... like a community college somewhere and have my parents pay for it
- I can find a hotel and work for 10+ an hour full time 5 days a week earn at least $1500 a month...enough to pay for food and an apartment.
when all im looking for is my dignity a sense of independence and a new life...
when im really looking for really good friends.
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[01 Apr 2009|07:20pm] |
when talking to the person you just had a big fight with...its not easy trying to settle your differences. Niether of the people want to hear what they did wrong. And whenever you want to be the bigger person and say "your right" you know in your heart its not right. so you are going against your whole being. but even if they dont know what is right or they dont know what is....the feeling of wanting something from them is the source to wanting to talk anyway. why would you want to settle your differences if you will just keep fighting? The other person will never understand you.
I mean, I understand his situation. doesnt want confrontation. wants to do his thing. But how many times have i wanted to actually stop him from doing his thing? THats completely absurd to the point where I actually contemplate yeah wow thats what I am doing. but its never the case. the case is always that I want to be loved and not let out because then shit feels like its worthless.
I always have certain parts of the conversation that I'll read over that i feel is very significant. and i read what the response was and it was brushed over his shoulder like unlucky salt.
I feel unloved even more when we fight. enough that i dont want to talk to him at all because everything he says hurts..and feels hopeless.
but since i'm alone i want to talk to real him. I wish i could talk to real him and be like my boyfriends such a prick i cant stand it...and reall cory would be like omg wtf. becuase thats who he used to be. I used to always have someone to talk to. I wish i had someeeone i can talk to about my anger issues.
the worst part about it is that he wont admit hes wrong for his life. he wont even say something like Oh i know what your saying. its just you are a cynical insane whore
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[31 Mar 2009|09:23pm] |
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I dont like to talk about my boyfriend so much. but i guess i mean if thats what im thinking about and always have issues with so i have to write it down and hate it later then thats whats gona happen, whatever man. I have to make it seem healthy and not neurotic even though it might be cause im fricken nuts sometimes. But we just spent a week together sleeping over and hanging out everyday and it was just so aggrivating. What happens is that I become less and less important because I am constantly there. Makes sense. although it does make me have to stop and think and wonder and rethink and figure out and navigate myself through everyday situations so that I dont over react and flip out. But then of course something has to set it off. After days of mildly being a jerkoff and just being so airheaded shit adds up. I know nothing i do helps it, but i am so fucking sensitive that i have to let out something. But the more intensely i let something out the more shit hits the fan. So last night cory was raving about going surfing and insisted that I sleep over with him...I originally said i would come with him to the beach. Even though we've been hanging out for so long...so I figured I would just decline in the morning and politely say goodbye and kiss him while we depart from eachothers presence. But instead, with no warning, at an unexpected time around 12pm...the expected time was around 2pm...he says that his friend is coming over right now. and he gets up to take an inconspicuous shit. So that got me a little aggravated that he just tells me this gets up and uses the time waiting for his friend to come over in the bathroom. without waiting one moment to say "Hey gwen, I love you...we've been hanging out a while, but ill miss you...are you sure you dont want to come?" or whatever something or at least one of those things to express his love. just more jerkoff airheaded bullshit. so i wanted to leave before he got out of the bathroom. because i wanted to avoid me getting into a tantrum. because i felt it coming on. and subconciously even though im mad and I blame him i know its not right to get so angry. But I still cannot let him justify himself with more jerky air head surfer camel shit. but thus i did not have my keys. so since i was still looking for them before he got out he was forced by the idea of a fight to stay and help. But him wanting to help didnt help me think that I was just burdoning him as usual and that he needs to do what hes reaalllyy feeling. so guesss what. he does what he really feels like doing which is leave without care. so i call my dad whom informs me that my keys are on the kitchen counter at home, and that he is at the dentist office and cannot bring me them since he is at the dentist. so i flipppppppp out. i am not staying at this fucking house 1 more second with such inconsiderate vibes. I call cory and vent my anger out with then leads to him being even more mean and unloving and inconsiderate over something so simple. Our personalities just cannot work. he can easily be uncaring and inconsiderate because it doenst phase him. and I need constant assurance..and when i dont have it and i know its not there when every day you say it is there i am completely overstimulated. I mean logically if you say that there is an apple there and every day you assure me that there is an apple there when I cant see it...then when you finally admit there is no apple i will forever feel betrayed. So I had to drive corys moms car to my house, somehow I managed to get a million pound ladder up to my window and get my keys and drive the car back and get my car to drive home and be alone. I somehow was able to stand it. Usually I am tearing up the wallpaper and seriously considering jumping out my 2nd floor window. crying my eyes out. Glad that im alone so no one has to witness but then again also completey crushed cause theres no one here to ever understand why i would freak out so hard.
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[16 Mar 2009|10:42am] |
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i wish i hadnt bought this computer and bought 300$ worth of jewelry i will never wear. I also wish that I wouldn't chose to hang out with Cory over my friends when they ask me to for the first time in months..... Because he will always chose his friends over me. I dont understand why he says he loves me. Well i guess I'm being niave. I know exactly what it is. #1 he loves attention and sex #2 hes too unstable to break up with me #3 it would be too much work to find someone who loves him and give him attention. I believe this because whenever he does something wrong...its my fault. Always my fault. if he does something wrong its always "dont do this". Last week i spent 3 days doing nothing. now im gona spend 3 more days sitting in my room crying and banging my head against things because i have no friends and im so pathetic that when im fighting with my boyfriend i have abosolutely nobody to taltk to or even look at. the best part about it is that hes stable enough with himself to be okay with me leaving in the morning angry and crying.
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[04 Mar 2009|09:12pm] |
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when I'm home alone I can always rely on: Chris, Andy, Matt, Greg, Madison, Dan or Ben
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[28 Feb 2009|12:59pm] |
My life is feeling rather odd lately. I got a tattoo of something like this^ but i drew it and its alot better than that one. But i got it in florida where i spent 7 days with my boyfriend and his sister and dad and our good friend. and what can i really say about that. it was amazing everything youd expect me to say i want to move there..except we're all really close now except some dumb bullshit about us talking behind alexas back about her weight which is not true.
anyway. since i was 14 ive been wanting to reside things with a former boyfriend. and it would cry over it alot and i would cry over it alot because my current boyfriend would hang out with him and smoke and drink without telling me. and he hated me alot and i never knew why and could never understand why. and as much as i didnt want to care i did because we were so close of ffriends in the past but ive even let that go but then i started to date cory who hangs out with him alot and it just made it worse.
anyway. last night me and cory and people hung out with him at his house(mansion hah). i was incredibly bored but i didnt show it at all. But i mean i was so bored. Beer pong for 4 hours....everyone was horrible...then smoke for like 2 hours and it was just awkward as hell. then standing in his kitchen watching people eat. im really good with making friends. i was totally friends and up to everyone elses speed that night but not with nick, we basically ignored eachother...so that just made it awkward.
(PS jesus christ i really hate my sister. She makes me nuts. There are way too many people in my life who just sit and ignore me)
I was having a mini anxiety attack. i couldnt really absorb being in a house that has so many memories but they are meaningless.
but i would like them to mean at least like 'yea that was back in the day, that was sweet.' but not even. they just are meaningless as of now.
the best thing i got out of it...was that im not gona freak out too much with cory seeing him and drinkin and smoking if i can tag along once in a while like that. hhhhhah
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[26 Feb 2009|12:34pm] |
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I was just thinking like... I really hate it here and want to move. But then i counter thought well what the hell I could be just running away from my sister and i should be learning something from her or something, because shes basically the reason for me wanting to move. I can't be in this unstable environment anymore. so unloving and and soo cold. I hate waking up and knowing shes downstairs. and i hate waking up in the morning so useless and sad because my family is not together and feels so distant. Its like i'm not home. and I dont have any home. this house has always been hated. and i hate staying over my boyfriends house beacuse its so cheap and we dont really care about eachother as much as we say we do. we just dont have anyone else.
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[15 Feb 2009|01:25pm] |
its been feeling like spring in the middle of february.
the coldest snowy-est winter comes to a complete halt some days and confused the grass to grow.
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