[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 17 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Wednesday, May 26th, 2004|
this is just an update here so that my blurty doesnt get shut down!
|Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004|
I got mad at the society in which we live that compells me to be so neurotic so I tried to be normal, I allowed myself to eat for a whole week like a normal person. Now I've gained 5 pounds. I'm not ready for this, I'm not ready to be normal. I want to look thin for my mother when I go home in ten days so im liquids fasting (water/diet coke/green tea, no chai) for as long as I can stand it. When I must eat it will be ONE of the following items:
-an 80 calorie veggie burger, no bun
-one serv./100 cals of fat free preztels w/salsa (a safe food that makes me sick and not want to eat)
-one serving of grapes
-one serving of cottage cheese with pepper (which does the same thing as salsa)
Also, here is a short poem, it's a take-off of a Margaret Atwood poem and an assignment for my Eng 210 class:
You Starve Me
You starve me,
like an anorexic at the gym,
stationary bikes for friends;
And here is a poem I'm stuck on but I'll get it eventually:
For so long,
She handled my jutting bones like China,
like the sharp edges that
made up the imperfections
of the two of us.
She watched me build
cities out of saltines and cottage cheese
That's all I have to far, the term "belly full" is going to be used in the last stanza but I want a few more in between. No suggestions though please, I want it to be my own poem, I just felt like sharing...also, I'mnot breaking the lines like that -just for now. :)
I fixed that poem a couple days ago so here's the new verison:
It's on days like today
I feel clean
and pure and thin.
It's tweleve hours until break of day,
four cuts of mood
-eight showers later.....
I can breathe for now.
I wear dresses and skirts
to feel exposed and open.
I let the wind travel up
my inner thigh and
visit and mix there with my vagina
because I feel thin.
I love even numbers and
I believe infinity starts at 2
and ends in an even number.
|Sunday, February 29th, 2004|
Today was hard. Very hard. I took the sidewalks into town, all quarter mile of it, in shoes that hurt, without steeping on any cracks at all. I bought a toothbrush and holder, (because I dropped because it was dirty), cigarettes, and, implusively, the new Ani DiFranco cd. At the gas station a man did not check his mirror and nearly backed over me, I yelled, he called me a fat ass. So then walked home, counting steps, 2062 steps, no stepping on cracks. This made me feel very accomplished and made the comment go away. I am exhasted now.
I feel the epitome of "crazy".
I feel that I am at the point of needing a bandaid or breakage.
Nothing seems clean enough to touch and everything seems soooo good to eat.
Yesterday seemed okay. I felt okay yesterday, which is a big deal because it doesn't happen too often. And then I flipped out a little. It started Thursday.
Thursday, I ate a sandwhich and a small milkshake that I wasn't hungry for, so I purged it, vommitted it, all of it until I tasted stomach acid in my mouth. Now, the trouble with binging and purging, overeating and vomitting, bulima- whatever clever eupheuisms you have for it is that it feels insane.
It is very hard to rationalize sticking your fingers down your throat and tasting acid. It all feels too purposeful. It is very hard to rationalize sticking your head in a toliet to reserve the very human act of eating food.
So maybe that is where it all started, on Thursday. Maybe Thursday WAS sanity but since Thursday had to end, so did sanity.
Okay, moving on. Friday...I did not eat. I felt so proud. I had water, a diet coke, strong black coffee and three alcoholic drinks and 4 cigarettes (a lot for me because im mostly a non-smoker) but I did not eat. I think not eating alters the brain because that's the only explanation I have for Saturday and sunday.
Saturday I babysat. Babysitting is always a bad thing because you are faced with a normal house with lots of normal food whereas in my room I keep only 6 hardboiled eggs, ten little boxes of tea, rice cake, water and diet coke. Therefore, a regular house is potential overwhelming for the eating disordered person. I had a few low fat animal crackers and a lot of goldfish crackers and three or so girlscout cookies. Not bad I guess sicne I did okay the day before.
Then panic struck me. This house I babysat at (for the first time) is so very very dirty, messing, germy, and gross. I hate this about this house. It's too lived in and I dont like to live. It looks like they never clean. For the obsesive complusive chick, this is stressful. I can't touch anything or I must clean it. I choose cleaning and cleaned the kitchen. The rest of the house was too daunting but I did the kitchen. Small and cute and so I could handle it. But by now the little girl had gone to bed and I had nothing to do so I sat down, not touching anything and got out my laptop and wrote my paper and tried to not think or touch anything and ate endless the following things which continued when i got home:
two reeses cups
a diet coke
a bag of popcorn
and basically a whole box of ceral
I purged none of this. I felt so awful and gross and fat and dirty.
It is going to take so much to make up for all I've eaten and all of the gross things I've touched.
This morning is the kicker. I got up and suddenly felt very dirty...um like contaminated. So I took a shower. Simple enough you would think but it took me eighty one minutes. Now, after washing my body 8 times and my hair 4 times, and cutting myself in the shower four times, I finally feel clean enough to continue on with my day.
It's going to take so much effort to make up for the weekend. I need a brandnew start. This feels tricky because I feel nice and clean today and almost almost but if I dont eat today, then my fast will be 13 days long and that's no good. If I do eat, then I wont be clean and I'll have to figure out a way to make up for it somehow. I'm going to have to think on this.
In any case, however I figure out how to do it: I'm fasting/resrcticting starting tomorrow for the next 12 (such a perfect number) days and that's the important thing.
It's days like today
I can only feel clean
and pure and thin
wearing a dress or skirt
feeling exposed and open.
Letting the wind travel up
my inner thigh and
visit there with my vagina
tweleve days (until break of day or school),
four cuts, eight showers later.
I love even numbers and I
believe infinity starts at 2
and ends in an even number.
|Friday, February 27th, 2004|
today was bad...im just going to post me and lisa's conversation:
AskingBeauty: today was horrible
AskingBeauty: yeah i mean i didnt really eat....i had a bite on a special k bar and a diet coke and thats it
AskingBeauty: but i mean i panicked on the bus
Tubgurnand: remember you are in control
AskingBeauty: what do you mean?
Tubgurnand: you don't have to panic if you don't want to, it's called positive psychology
Tubgurnand: trying to make your day better
Tubgurnand: poor attempt
AskingBeauty: i panicked three times today
Tubgurnand: because you ate or might have to eat...?
AskingBeauty: you mean its something i can control?
AskingBeauty: this morning i fely very thin....ijust touched my collar and hip bone for two hours to remind
myself i was okay because i woke up two hours before my alarm and couldn't breathe
Tubgurnand: couldn't breathe?
AskingBeauty: then at walmart i couldnt find my twenty and my stomache got that knotted pulling feel and the
thought was "this means i dont deserve to eat" so I didnt.
AskingBeauty: like it was phiscally hard to
AskingBeauty: and then on the bus, 50 dirty, lice filled middle schoolers got on the bus and i panicked...i dont
like germs lately
Tubgurnand: yes, I like to maintain my cleanliness too, but I don't know if that is related to ana
AskingBeauty: i think mine is worse when my mia is worse
Tubgurnand: well I don't know what I can do from here
Tubgurnand: it's good to talk about it
AskingBeauty: on the bus, i buried my face in my heads and counted in my head
AskingBeauty: how can i control the panic?
AskingBeauty: its never happened three times in a day in a row
Tubgurnand: breathing techniques, reminding yourself that you arein control, focus on something else (even the
rivet in a bus)
A poem of sorts....in the work..this is a draft:
If you are me, your nervous habit of nail biting turns into taping of your collarbone to remind yourself of it all. Of your goals, your failures, your existance because if this bone isn't pronouced enough, then you aren't good enough.
If you are me, you memorize every plane and valley of your body to give you strength during pruging because the God you don't pray to forgets to hold your hair back.
If you are me, you don't realize that eating now will mean vomitting later and vomitting now will mean obsessive hygiene later and everything's connected so when you get caught doing all this, this like a deer in headlights, you will fast for a week as a punishment.
|Wednesday, February 25th, 2004|
i basically got caught purging....my r.a. calls me into her room and talks to me about weigh and exercising and such without really saying much.....i know they know. then the head r.a. approaches me in the hall like "HHEEELLLOOOO!!!, How are you?" Like she was talking to a 6 year old. And then they put up Anorexic and Bulimic information in the bathroom. Yeah they know. Nosy Bitches.
|Thursday, February 5th, 2004|
Today in the cafeteria, they had vegan soup that worked with the rules of my fast which are: liquids only. I also am allowing cooked veggies but only the kind that were in the soup like the cooked tomatoes, soft things diced. Very specfic. The soup is vegan and no butter or oil or cheese or anything, i asked the lunch lady chef that made it. I nearly hugged her for it. It was so nice to eat something warm. Naturally I only had had a cup because the rest kindey beans which has too many caloires. Plus i plan on working out tonight so it should be fine. Yay!
Also, for this weekend going home to my parents, I have an intricate plan of lies so that I don't have to eat much. I should be able to avoid it, espically if my roommate doesn't come along for the trip bc if she does, I may have to eat friday night. Here is my revamped plan:
friday....we aren't leaving until almost 3 so i can get away at dinner not eating a lot but saying i had a big late lunch bc they all think that i love lunch over dinner....
saturday no breakfast so thats not a problem and i can tell my mom im eating with jamie for lunch so that will help me and tell jamie that i just ate lunch at my parent's house, let her eye my suspiciouly and get over it, dinner saturday will be the hardest bc esp. assuming kim comes home, we are having a girl's night with pizza. However, they all know I think that most pizza tastes like meat (which is true actually) and that I'm a vegetarian so so long as i just poke at it or nibble a little, I'll be fine.
but if she doesnt come home i can find an excuse of eating with my family and tell them that i just ate with jamie and then go back to jamies later or something
sunday breakfast is the big problem bc no matter where i stay they will have breakfast but if bring my tea i should be able to get away with tea and an apple....
Wish me luck! I need it.
|Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004|
The strangest thing just happened.
I had a vision of me sitting on the edge of a futon in an aptartment, skinny as fuck, chain smoking to keep from eating. I looked old but beautiful and it was a year in the future or something.
I wish I could draw, it would be a beautiful picture. I am Catholic, I don't think I believe in psychics or whatever but I have dreamt my sisters' seizures in the part and they happened in real life a day later or so.
Just thought I'd share. Feel free to comment
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Alix Olson
|Sunday, February 1st, 2004|
So this weekend was weird. I went into it deiceding that I'm done with all this eating disorder stuff, ready to pick up the phone and call my therpaist. So for my first step, I ate (and overate a little) like a normal person for two whole (non-stop) days. I didn't even write it down. But by Saturday night, I had a tummy ache and felt fat as ever. Still....I was telling myself that stopping all this is the right thing to do. BUt I couldn't help concocting intricate, sparse diets in my head and counting calories. I felt SO FAT, OBSESE, even by Saturday night that I have decided that I can't give this up. I dont want to. I like feeling thin and attractive. Luckily, I didnt gain this weekend but LOST ONE LB!!! I was so relieved! I ate ALOT this weekend and i LOST a LB!
So today, I had only water and did a 700 calorie workout which I feel really good about. So i fasted today. I might do calorie free-green tea tonight because I have a long night of studying for a history exam. and I had two calorie free hard candies. So 1)water 2)green tea 3)two hard candies...I am DAMN proud of me.
My plan is to fast today and tomorrow, eat tuesday so that I am not tempted to eat something bad at my fast food job, fast wensday, eat thursday (for same reason as tuesday) and fast friday.
The weekend will be an issue because I'm going home. So I have a plan.
Friday:big salad at resturant with a water, leave as much as possible
Saturday: breakfast: tell J's mom that I'm not a breakfast person, salad for lunch if I must, nothing till dinner,
one piece pizza then.
Sun morn- this is the problem. I ll try the i hate breakfast line and opt for an apple. Wish me luck. I'll need it.
Here is my shopping list for the week, one of the most fucked up ever:
-Cigarettes *for the intense, hard food cravings or when I go crazy like i always do on fridays after restircting so much.
-sugar free/fat free hard candies
-laxatives in case of a fuck up, emergecy only.
This week is going to fucking suck.
|Thursday, January 29th, 2004|
I ate today with friends. Big mistake. Big salad...a little pasta and two debbie Brownies. Yeah I know. Bad bad bad bad bad. Im beating myself up. It was 800 calories. Sigh. Oh well I suppose it's done, I dont feel like being bulimic today. Normalcy feels nice once a week. It pushes me to have great weeks and there is a lot worse things I could have eaten tonight. :(
today was awful.
In the course of two days I've had: exactly 132 caloires. And the first day I ran eight miles. walked two and biked 2. My body hates me. I mean, I don't blame it, but it does. My quad muscles burn so badly I almost fall down stairs so I tried to stretch a little today and it helped a little bit. I'm fasting tomorrow so I prolly won't work out, it's too tiring and I'm incredibly aware of my collarbone today. Today, I feel thin. Crunches for sure though.
Last night, my ex-girlfriend (I'm a lesbian), declared (basically) her undying love for me. Now, I have a crush on her, I like her a lot, but her revelation scared me. We have gone out three seperate times. We broke up for the last time last March, nearly a year ago, for many many reasons that are more comlicated than this or that and the other thing. I am scared because this is the most commitment she has shown in the year and a half I have known her.
I am scared of hurting her, of it not working out, of how much I miss her and how, when i was a mess the other night, she is the first one I wanted to be with.
Sigh. She said that she'd wait years for me. That I make her want to be a better person. That she'd change anything or move anywhere to be with me. This is startling when I hear it from the girl I always wanted but never expected I'd actually get.
She blew my mind with this and I haven't been able to speak to her for a day and a half, she's so damn sincere and I never know what I want.
So, yeah, that's on my mind.
Also that I didn't make the play. I auditioned for the Vagina Monologues and I was so sure I would get it. I rearraged my work hours so I could be in it. I was in it last year. It's such an amazing movement (see www.vday.org for more imformation) to be a part of. It changed my life, helped me love my vagina and my sexuality (even I can't love other parts of me like my fat stomache, or wide back or bad skin). And now I dont get to be in it and I don't know why. All I can deicede is that I obviously am not good enough. I cried when I saw that I wasn't in the cast list. I was so sure, it meant so much to me and apparently I don't messure up to the other girls.
The one and only good thing about today was that a few girls told me that my 'bottom half' is 'perfect' and how they wish they had boobs. Obviously, my stomache was hidden by my baggy sweatshirt but at least someone admired me for a minute. It takes the sting off of not getting on the play a little bit.
It's almost 4 am and im still up because my roomate was on the computer and typing loudly but now that she's gone to bed, i should too, delaying tomorrow is no good cuz either way, i'm still fasting.
|Monday, January 26th, 2004|
I wonder if my friends aren't on to me. They know me well. Too well. Senerio 1 today, over Ben and Jerry's pint :
April: I just had two servings of this icecream! That's like 600 caloires...oh well. ::shrugs::
Me, automatically, reflectively: It is 760 caloires.
April: :stares: okkaayyy sorry..how did you know that
Me: I'm sorry...i just..knew.
Me: Can I have a sip of your tea, i've never tried it.
(it was diet snapple iced tea)
Kim: of course
Me: ::looks at it, snifs it, sips it::
Kim: You are soooooo weird about food...you poke or stare or snif anything new, geez, it wont hurt you
I try to be discreet but when someone has known you for so long..it's hard to get things by them.
|Sunday, January 25th, 2004|
Today I had spiraly pasta and some ben and jerry's ice cream. I purged all the icecream and about 1/2 or 1/4 of the pasta almost right away. Yay. I start a water only fast tomorrow.
|Sunday, January 18th, 2004|
This is my journal for everything I can't share with those that don't understand me. That dont understand my relationship with food, my moods, my mind, my scars, all that kind of thing. I need a place where I can write about the darker stuff and not send my friends here running for help. That I can air my issues with food and my body and not be put in recovery or some shit. The following basic information is all I intend to divulge about me myself:
My name is Vada. It is a nickname but you don't need my real name.
I have ED-NOS, newly diagnosed the other day, I also have OCD
My stats are: Height- 5'1'', CW-135 (but after this weekend who knows, 138?) TW: 115 (for now) Highest W- 150
I am a student at a college in Indiana and my major is English Education.
I am also using this journal to help keep me accountable of what I eat and don't eat. I welcome suggestions and support. I am NOT TRYING TO BE ANOREXIC AT ALL, i intend to post my journal at BDF because I need some hardcore support in losing weight. BDF people: some of you may think I'm some type of 'ana imposter' or a 'wannabe' and that's okay. However, I hope the rest of you can understand why I feel this way, so imperfect. When you have OCD it takes over your mind. You do everything you can, rituals, counting, repetitivness to make things okay. My thoughts are like this: if i Brush my teeth 2 times and wash my hair 2 times and soap my body 4 times and only eat an even number of calories everything will be okay. Dieting for me isn't to lose weight so much as it is to calm the OCDemons in my head. If/when I am at a normal weight, my ocd lessens, my rituals subside some and I can live. That is why I am here. If you hate me, leave my journal. If you are okay with me, feel free to post. I need some support. Thanks.