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... ... 22 May 2003|06:45pm
[First off I apologize someone got into this account and messed with my journal. Thus why Ashton hasn't updated. I do apologize. Thank you for understanding.]

Secondly. Joshua I'm sorry that I haven't been around. I haven't lost my love for you. There's not much I can say so I'll give you what you need and want. Your freedom. I'll be around tonight. To give that to you.

::sighs, hanging head walks into room crying, packing everything::
3 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 14 May 2003|10:47pm
[ mood | sick ]

So, I haven't been feeling all that well today. I think I maybe coming down with a bug of some sort. I'll be sure to keep a close watch on it. I haven't really done anything of importance like posed naked ::cough:: Or had sex... ::coughs again, smirking:: Just been spending time with Josh and that is always a positive thing. I haven't heard or seen anything of Jenny and that sort of worries me because she's our #1 girl. I hope that whenever you are Jenny your okay sweetheart. Love ya pretty. :) And above anyone I love Josh. Kinda makes you jealous huh? Tough shit. He's mine and vice versa.

I'm out like a kid playing dodgeball.

3 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 12 May 2003|12:46am
[ mood | horny ]


Jenn thinks the cover of Rolling Stones featuring me should be illegal. I'm thinking maybe she's right. <3
Josh and chocolate sauce... Can we say? Sexual bondage? ::licks::

That's all. For now. More later.

1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 10 May 2003|09:04pm
I'm glad to be back at home with my husband. I think I'll seduce him tonight. Or give him numerous sexual favors. ::rubs hands together wickedly::

Oh if you haven't checked out the most recent over of Rolling Stones, you really should. ;) There's someone really fucking hot on the cover.. hrmm wonder who that could be? It's going to give Jenny a coronary. ::huggles her::

Well I'm off for now. I have to get some fuzzy handcuffs and whipped cream. ::smirks::
4 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 08 May 2003|12:07am
[ mood | awake ]

::looks over at the figure laying next to mine:: he is my life. he is everything in someone i could ever want. i'm sorry i let him down. that i even left him for a fraction of a nanosecond. i promised him forever. that's what i meant. this marriage will prevail. there was a rough spot and if i could take every last word back i would. i love him.... always.

1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... :: You are my angel :: ... 22 Apr 2003|03:50pm
I have been neglecting this journal for a few days now. I'm back. I haven't seen or spoken to Jenny in awhile. I wonder how she is. How her and Josh Hartnett are doing with their relationship.

Mine well it could be better. I love my husband. I will stand by him and abide by our wedding vows until the good lord takes upon my soul for eternity. Joshua is everything I have ever wanted. I give him cookies and lots of sex for throwing Jenny in the pool. Way to go... This is short but sweet. I have plans this evening. ;) One more thing...

you are my angel.....
1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 15 Apr 2003|01:22am
[ mood | content ]

There's nowhere in the world that I'd rather be but in this exact place,moment, and here by his side. He's the most extrodinary man I have ever met in my life. On April 13th, 2003, I married my husband Joshua Scott Chasez. The wedding was lavish with the feeling and the crispness of the sparkling blue water dazzling against a glorious sun. He looked magnificient in his tux. He was the most beautiful thing I have ever envisioned in my life. And he's mine now. I love him, he has my heart for an eternity.

I trust Joshua with my life. I would die for him, there I said it. I would lay down my life and everything to save him. To save him from even one ounce of pain. To save him from any wrong doings. I have never beyond my wildest felt so alive and so free about someone in my entire life thus far. He is my wings, when I need lifted up. He is my angel, and for his love I'd give anything. I will love him until the last breath escapes my lips.

are you filled?

... ... 12 Apr 2003|01:33am
In the event of my marriage to Joshua Scott Chasez. I have written a little something. I love you always and forever, baby.

words dont even describe how i feel )
1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 10 Apr 2003|02:15am
[ mood | sleepy ]

Okay so here's the thing I only have like 2 days before my wedding to my delicious fiance, Jayce. I'm nervous, I have the jitters. I have to go shopping tomorrow, definitely. Sorry, I'm just... yeah babbling. I do that... *chews on a fingernail or two* I just want to make him happy. I love him with everything inside of me. I have his wedding present, it's a beaut. *smiles* I guess I'll go crawl up beside him now. I'm not scared, just nervous...

I love you forever baby ;)

2 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 07 Apr 2003|05:01pm
It's been a few days since I wrote here. I figured I'd take 5 minutes away from my husband, er fiance... to write at least a little something. Jenna and I still haven't mended ties. That saddens me a little, but not as much as it did at first. Jennifer Lo... told me that I should be happy for what I have in my life, and the people surrounding it. You know what? She was right. I'm at a stage in my life right now where I couldn't be more satisified, or happy. I have everything in life one man should be eternally thrilled with. I love my fiance, everyday... I love... I just love him. I can't wait until we pass the boundaries, and actually become one. I've got some papers to fill out, check you later.
1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 03 Apr 2003|08:21pm
[ mood | loved ]

*looks down at ring, smiles softly*

You know if someone, anyone had told me I'd be engaged right now. I'dve laughed years ago. Now looking down at this solid silver band enriching it's meaning,love, and devotion... I can surely say that there's nowhere else I'd rather be, but in his arms. Loving him until the end of time... Joshua I love you so much. Thank you for all that you have given me. Strength,courage, and hope. Just for starters. You take my breath away with just a glance, you are my life. Today tomorrow, and forever.

my thoughts on paper )

1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 03 Apr 2003|01:21am
[ mood | horny ]
[ music | wedding march.... ]

you know the good thing about that icon? it's real baby.

the end.... i'm going to go do unimaginable things to my fiance now.

like lick him all over with my piercing ;)

1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 02 Apr 2003|07:02pm
*looks over at the form lying beside him in the king-sized bed. he's so beautiful. the way his lashes fall against his softened skin. him cuddled closely, feeling the warmth of his masculine body against mine in reassurance. brushes the few stray strands of hair out of his face. his breathing soft and soothing to the quietness of the room. wanting nothing more than to kiss his mouth, feel his passion behind it. refrains only to start writing a simple entry on laptop*

I took him away this morning. Away from all the hatred that's been forming, and causing him to be downhearted. I took him away to spend some true quality time with him. Get to know him for himself, and vice versa. I'm not scared anymore. Whenever I hold this man in my arms it's all the comfort that I need. All the love that I have in my heart is for him. We've both been down a road of nasty pasts, but I'm looking forward to hopefully trying to build something a little more with substance, meaning. *kisses his fingers* He's my life, end of story.

*shuts laptop and falls back into sleep. him rested against my chest.*
are you filled?

... ... 31 Mar 2003|12:43am
Love is a funny emotion. It can bring joy,tenderness,passion, and a force greater to any man. Or, it can bring sarrow,sadness, and remorse. Today I admitted that I love Jayce. And you know what, I really do. I have never had someone that I honestly cared about and loved before. My younger days were spent trying to get laid cause it was fun. Then I started growing up and realizing that only I could change my fate. If I wanted someone to love me half as much as I loved them, I'd have to earn it back. Well, I rediscovered myself today. I found that love. This isn't going to be a long entry, because I have a beautiful angel laying in my bed that I want to cuddle up to. He is my angel... my everything.

Your the face I see when I close my eyes )
1 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 30 Mar 2003|12:10am
[ mood | accomplished ]

Where to start? What to write? Well I could just write an entire entry on nothing but bullshit. I could be incriminating and be cryptic, or I could just say what I feel. (I'll vote for the later)

While taking a moment or two out to exam my own self perservation, I noticed. I couldn't be happier with my life right now. Sure there have been some things in my life that I regret. Will til the day that I pass on, leave a space for another. On the other hand, my life hasn't been a cakewalk. I was one of the very few that got lucky and noticed in the film industry on sheer guts and will. My family has had crisis after crisis. Especially with my previously mentioned frat twin, Michael. When you get behind the cameras and they start to roll. You don't see yourself you see what others want you to. It's rather hypocritical. Here you are a modern, everyday, American male. You come out of the woodwork, and thousands of adoring fans are wanting your autograph. I have never once since I started my career forgotten where I came from. Just a little country boy, with big dreams. I pursued and I won the outcome. Not everyone is like me though. Just because individuals are named, "heart throbs, sex symbols, or even "the top 100 guys of the year" you are still that same person underneath. I wasn't rich growing up. We lived on a farm in Iowa. How great is that? It doesn't matter however if I'm in Los Angeles working on a film, or even overseas. It's still home. I give my parents appreciation for the wonderful job they did raising me. I accomplished a lot in such a short timespan in my life. My point, never forget who you really are.

Next subject, my sexuality. Most if not all of you know that my current relationship is with Joshua Chasez. Just having met him I can safely say that I'm growing more secure getting to know him. I won't learn everything overnight, and if did it wouldn't probably be half as gratifying as it is right now. I believe in taking the actual time and effort to know someone. For the first time in my life I actually want this to work. I have never strived for anything in the love department for quite sometime, but this I'm willing to break my chambers and try. Just having him in my company is more than sufficient, but the feelings around him are unlike anything I have ever experienced. Were both human and common to errors, but I like the position I'm at in this point in time.

In highschool, yes I was the upbeat nerd. There wasn't an assignment known to man-kind that I wouldn't do. Alot of the kids thought it was just for the purpose of kissing the teachers ass, but it wasn't like that. I'd have a lot of family problems to concur with and it just made shit easier to escape myself in my studies. Anything to try to lessen the emotional pain I was suffering. It wasn't until my Junior year of hs that I learned I fancied my own sex. I'd sit at lunch tables having flocks upon flocks of gorgeous females viving for my attention, wanting me to just speak so they'd hear the sound of my voice. I'd smile and be social, but my eyes would always drift to the all familiar self. I'd watch guys as they'd walk. I tried to stop at one point thinking I was unstable. Thinking, "Why in the hell am I staring at them for?" or "What caused me to do such a vile thing?" The answers were as plan as the nose against my face. I was physically, and emotionally attracted to them. I remember my mother and father asking why I hardly had a companion through hs. I'd always answer, "I just haven't found the right one yet. Give me a break." That was far from the truth. I dated guys every year except my freshman. It was just something that appealed my senses and made me long for their touches, or to have my young unexpected hands against their skin. There are no rules alive that states nor clarifies that people like myself can't have urges to crave. That was it was, a pure sinful craving, and I wouldn't change a moment for anything.

Women are beautiful specimens, they give birth to offspring. The experience is enthralling. They're truly magnificient. I have a lot of girls as friends, and am thankful for them. Women are like fine wine, they entrance your senses, and make you feel alive. The warm caress of their knuckles brushed against your skin in the most innocent of gestures is just admirable. It's like they instantly know how your going to react. You smile, because really that's the only thing you can honestly think of. My girl friends know me well enough to realize that I'd do anything in the world for them, especially Jenna. That girl reminds me so much of myself it's uncanny. Her and I are like brother and sister. If Jenna asked me for the simplest thing right now. No matter what it was, she'd have it. Impressions are made to last, and from the very night I arrived she's been nothing short of an angel to me. I appreciate her and Jennifers' compassion ten fold. This case in point, women are the shit.

I haven't always seen myself as the perfect being, because lets face it no one is perfect. We all have our own little quirks and faults. It's what makes us who we are. I realize that I make mistakes.... after all were only human.....

That's all I'm hitting the sack...

2 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 29 Mar 2003|01:32am
[ mood | sore ]

In recent events my ass is fucking tired. I will be posting an entry tomorrow. If I sound like a fucking asshole. Disregard. Substance wouldn't come to me right now If I literally tried. So... yeah. Night.

randomness thought:

JC has a nice ass, yes he does.

I'm cuddling now *snugs up beside him and falls asleep instantly*

4 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 28 Mar 2003|12:27am
[ mood | indescribable ]
[ music | Heaven :: Bryan Adams ]

It's only been a day or two since my last journal confession. Things have definitely changed. Progression is a slow hell. It works though. I admitted that I liked someone. Which is better than my past. I'd lock up, freeze, and stumble over my words like an idiot. Laying your cards on the table really isn't that bad after all. *shrugs* (who said that feelings were easy?) Jenna is getting mixed signals. I apologize to her for that. I love that girl dearly she's such a sweetheart. There's just someone else that makes my heart beat just a little faster than normal. Is that a good thing? I tend to think it is. For the first time I can actually be myself around someone. Without all the glamour or glory of stardom. Just myself, an idle man. Just Christopher Ashton Kutcher from Cedar Rapids, Iowa. It's a good feeling. Good to just be me for a change. Flirty,sensual, kind-hearted me. Punk'd is going well. Looking forward to next weeks episode. That has always been a dream of mine. To produce to actually get in there and work with the people that have made me. Using my talents to the maxium. Having a degree in Biochemical Engineering. Whenever I was 13. My twin brother and I were playing. I guess Michael blacked out and I ran to the house screaming to my mother. Whenever I got old enough to study cardiomyopathy, the disease that almost killed my twin. I did. I wanted to know what it was all about. I donated money towards a fund as well. It was hard seeing him in such pain as a kid. I cried many a night just hoping that he'd be okay. Tausha would hold me (my sister) and swear to god that Michael would be okay. I suppose in a way I have accomplished my life and I'm only 25. In quite the other, I have much to learn and experience. This is me folks, take me, love me, or leave me.....

5 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 26 Mar 2003|01:42am
[ mood | flirty ]

*looks at clock, wipes hand down face* ...Damn, 1:40 a.m. you'd think I'd learn the value of time vs. sleep....

...Which is good. This scotch bottle is half full, a blanket is draped across my bare shoulders. Typing this is such a pain in the ass. Everything is double visioned. I need sleep desperately. Lack of judgement though. Here I'am, staring aimless at this cursor, and thinking of what to say first. My thoughts are scrambled in different sections, thoughts, patterns. It's overwhelming my brain. Too much alcohol? Not enough? *shrugs* This journal is absolutely pointless, and shows me that I really don't need to do this a second time I'm drunk, spent, and going to continue writing. For whatever reason.

I feel disconnected from myself. I feel emotions that I've never felt before. Raw,intense,passionate ones. This could've came from my conversation with Jenna, realizing that most of the time. Nothing is 100% sure. Maybe it's because I spent the evening shadowed behind a liquor bottle. The fact that I found myself tonight, or that I just need to shut up, stop here, and go to bed.... goodnight...

p.s. This doesn't make any sense, so reover.. please...


are you filled?

... ... 25 Mar 2003|01:33am
[ mood | sleepy ]

*looks at blinking cursor, thoughts flowing from a hundred different directions*

*takes a sip of coffee before starting*

Had an interesting time in chat room last night. JC stuck Jenna in the bathroom. I teased her mad. She's my doll though I heart her. JC and I talked. Shared some things it was nice. There's something about human contact in conversation that is so stimulating. Subjects can be simulated and it's great. Janie tackled me again. Played dice. I stripped numerous times. I so wanted to do bodyshoots. *pouts* Never got to. Mandy wanted to so kick my ass for Punkin' her. Oh, I masturbated... that was great. Nothing like feeling yourself up in a room of crowded people. *grins lazily* Well, it's time for this ass to get to bed. Night.

*clicks "update journal" and curls up where he was... *smiles, mews*

2 are filled with passion|are you filled?

... ... 24 Mar 2003|01:35pm
[ mood | anxious ]

Last night was eventful. I met Jenna and she's an absolute doll. She thinks that I "OWN" *laughs* Janie is a snuggly bear type girl, but I liked her. JC was polite and adorable. Nothing bad happened. I did however get tackled several times, and water thrown on me. If I even had a hardon at that moment, I didn't after.

Looking forward to tonights show. Eliza,Seth,Mandy, Nick Lachey & Jessica Simpson.... come on down, and get PUNK'D!

3 are filled with passion|are you filled?

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