| The Perfect Moment... |
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| 10:43pm 30/08/2004 |
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The small silence of walking down pavement street. My street. Our street. The little echo of footsteps, and quick chattering voices of her day, something wrong happened but I cant remember. Fresh dark nail polish, jeans, and a snug black hoodie. Just needing to walk. Just needing to talk. Just needing....something. Passing the first stop sign. The sun setting everything in soft glow light. Just walk besides her. Listen. Reply. It was like a dream really. Find our way to the old school. Just us, all alone. No sign of another breathing person.
We got to the second stop sign, the school to our back. Completle silence. "Want to go sit on the bench?" "...sure" Un certainty. Un sure. But we did. Sitting on the soft colored blue bench. My knees pulled up to my chest, she sat her legs spread out on the top lying her hands behind her looking straight over at that stop sign. Something in her eyes and all was quiet. "Lets just continue to walk down that street, pass all the stop signs..." "...and never look back..." She turned to me. Dead serious. Some need in her eyes, some spark at the 'never' of what I had added to her idea.
"Lets just fucking too do! Come on Ash. We can get away from here. I hate it here. Its hell..." "You know I want too, need to...but we cant. Not now, what about money, a plan not to get caught?" "It does not matter. We can get money, somehow. I know we will, lets just go!" The determination in her voice. She would do too and not look back. She wanted me too come. She would not do it alone. She would leave me here. ALone... And I would have done it along with her if my stupid sense of logic had not overcome me. "We cant, we just cant...I want to just walk right on out of here, leave them all behind but i'm scared..." "Dont be scared. We'll take care of each other. I'll take of you Ash...I promise..."
Tears went into my eyes and streamed down my face. Hers still refused to fall but they were still there. We both had the hunger to go, the eagerness to try and escape the pain. Running seemed the only way out at the time. The scars still almost fresh on my wrist. I traced them under my sweatshirt with my other finger. It ached my body so much too not just get up take her arm and link it in mine and hop the chain link school fence, run to that stop sign, run right past it in a final blur, and down the street and keep running intill we could not anymore. And not look back. Never to regret it.
This was my only small moment of full perfection. With the setting sun and it already getting dark, masking everything in more silence and shadowed stillness. Whispering how much we wanted to leave, me convincing her to stay, or wait. Not too go. That quick flash of 30 pure minutes of mental chaos and the chance to run away. We did end up walking...but the other way...
For just that once...everything was perfect. |
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| Something I came across i just liked |
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| 08:35pm 07/08/2004 |
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mood:  bored
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Girl: Slow down. Im scared. Guy: No this is fun. Girl: No its not. Please, its too scary! Guy: Then tell me you love me. Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down! Guy: Now give me a BIG hug. *Girl hugs him* Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? Its bugging me.
(In the paper the next day):
A motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. 2 people were on it, but only 1 survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his breaks broke, but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug 1 last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.
*if you love someone this much, repost this* |
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| 12:11am 02/08/2004 |
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mood: sleeply and stressed
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The people from over the years and recent monthes I really really miss:
Friends: Allen Sammie Z Kristine David Josh Janessa Kelsey Alexis Alex Gurpreet
Family: Joanie and David Sean Alex Colten J.R
Ok i'm done now.....i'm really tired, and my right eyes hurts for some weird reason, and the worlds kinda not focused enough eh |
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| 11:22pm 27/06/2004 |
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mood:  calm
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Forgot...how much I love the water. The oddness of having so much liquid around you, but you cant drink a drop and sometimes just looking at it would have made you thirsty.
The saltyness when a few sweet drops land in your mouth. The only light source is that of the moon and shinning stars, sparkling like newly shined pearls. Other then that almost pitch black deep water that spreads forver beyond you. How it seems your all by yourself and its only the sound of crashing waves, that lure you too watch them...and thinl. Not just think, but really think.
When freezing cold water spashes up too your waist, it makes you numb but you dont care.
And your not alone and cold. Your not lost. You know which way you have too go when your done thinking. You know when you have too let go and walk back to sandy shores, where sea shells and smooth rocks jab your feet.
But i could stand in that water forver, and just think. It makes me sad and sick thinking I wont be able to go back when the sun rises. That i'll be alone and lost intill I can walk back out, and be numb, wet and cold again...fun huh? |
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| 09:37pm 13/06/2004 |
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mood:  flirty
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button you dont want to have sex with me. Button invented maple surpy and the WHOLE WORLD SHALL KNOW THIS FACT!!!!!!
......can i made pancakes ^_^ |
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| 09:13pm 13/06/2004 |
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mood:  lazy
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sometimes the world keeps spinning and it goes so fast i cant keep up with it. The voices that ring in my mind, sing for me to come out and play in the sun. Expect the sun turns dark whenever i try to step into it, and the rain falls upside down......like the earth is crying. Sometimes I see shadows that slither across my bedroom floor at night, and force of the bed with the tears on my cheeks me into the corner and keep my eyes open, in fear if i close them they will come and carry me away into the void of nothing...or if i step on the floor i'll go right though it and crash down below and no one will catch me..... |
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| 09:48pm 11/06/2004 |
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mood:  artistic
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We were like a family…in an odd young twisted, almost t.v like sort of way. Its the kind of stories you see in movies Expect this way real.
Each and every one of us were different then what normal society expect. Of course though, we were teenagers. That may have had something too do with it…but I doubt it. On the outside maybe you could not tell. On the inside was a different story. And we all seemed to have things in common on the inside… Maybe that what was pulled us all together…
We sat by each other at lunch. Took turns going to the vending machines in the hallway to beg for others spare change. We earned that change and spent it too get doritos, rootbeer, cheetos, and chips ahooy cookies out of the vending machines. It was not a healthy diet. But a few bites of junk food was better then something. We may have been separated by classrooms, teachers, and grades and ages, during those days. But that did not stop of from seeing each other. We always talk in the hall ways, or skipped a class to hang in the bathrooms sometimes. We looked after each other. If one of us got picked on, you dealt with hell with the rest. And hell usually meant fights. And those in our group learned too to fight a long time ago… We stuck up for each other. We helped each other with homework. We did each others homework. It was also out of school too. But school always seemed like the better place for us. Maybe it was because home life was hell for us. If one of us got sick and tired of it that night. They dropped out of their window and snuck to ones house and rapped the window gently. They were always let in. And that night you got to sleep for a few hours with someone holding you. You got to feel, Safe, loved, warm, secure But when the first rays of sun it the cold grass you would have to bound home and return to hell. We cried together, We sang together, We healed each others scars We made each other smile Made each other laugh We smoked together Some us got high together Some of us got drunk together. We gave and received hugs We got kisses For one or two our first kiss was given by one of us We were a system. Each of played a part. A role. Each personality and abilities, and weaknesses. We were best friends. We loved each other We were the closest thing we ever had to someone who really cared, really loved us. We each had problems, and one of us tried and could solve them Looking back, we may have been looked at, as some big sex group. A cult The weird kids The goths The punks The poor kids The jerks The bitches But don’t listen to them That’s their opinion And we have ours. We knew what we were…. But at the time we did not. This is our story, this our poem, our lives. Staying together as our group. How else were we going to survive? This was high school after all… |
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| quick update |
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| 10:27pm 07/06/2004 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Chris sucks and is a bad puppy and i have too the WHOLE project by mself..............
my new name is Tut-Tut, and Jays new name is button ^_^ |
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| quick update |
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| 10:27pm 07/06/2004 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Chris sucks and is a bad puppy and i have too the WHOLE project by mself..............
my new name is Tut-Tut, and Jays new name is button ^_^ |
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| quick update |
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| 10:27pm 07/06/2004 |
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mood:  sleepy
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Chris sucks and is a bad puppy and i have too the WHOLE project by mself..............
my new name is Tut-Tut, and Jays new name is button ^_^ |
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| Grrrrrness!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| 05:23pm 16/05/2004 |
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mood:  pissed off
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Damn you Judgement Day!!! Only be one freakin Pat-per-view!!!!! >. |
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| Long Time No Write... |
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| 10:42pm 06/05/2004 |
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wow, sure has been a long time since I have updated. But, here is the update now! Guess I have been spending a little too much time over at opendairy.com getting my diary there all sorted out. Its kinda like having my own little web page though, and the only thing there is nothing about my life, just my writings. Though... the wonders of
^_^ hehe. Neat huh? In other news, mom found out, I have not been taking my pills, blah blah blah, i have been leaving the house more oftened to climb the chain link fence, and sit in the tall grass fields, and have thinking time there. And these Saturday I have to wear a freakin skirt for brothers graduation. Whoo Hoo! Have to travel all the 6 hour trip in a small car to get there too. Thank Gods/Goddess's for such things as gum, magazines, and books (I can read in a car and not get sick!) So i'm going to be gone for Friday (get to miss school! *smile) to like Sunday morning. Hopefully be back around 5 p.m because sometimes the RP meetings will start off, and after having to miss the last one I want to be there for the next one! Thats all for now!
~ Ash |
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| Quiz! |
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| 06:16pm 01/04/2004 |
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mood:  amused
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 FROZEN QUEEN/ KING You dont want love to come through to you. You like it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you. You are already used to it. You say yourself that you dont need anyone, that you stand on your own two feet or that you dont have time for these things. But in reality you are scared to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You invent your own relationship in your dreams. You just need to know that you COULD get a partner. Thats it. PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always message me or tell me how I can improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~ brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Quiz! |
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| 06:16pm 01/04/2004 |
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mood:  amused
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 FROZEN QUEEN/ KING You dont want love to come through to you. You like it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you. You are already used to it. You say yourself that you dont need anyone, that you stand on your own two feet or that you dont have time for these things. But in reality you are scared to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You invent your own relationship in your dreams. You just need to know that you COULD get a partner. Thats it. PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always message me or tell me how I can improve that quiz. Ill sure write back.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~ brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Oh Shit... |
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| 11:55pm 26/03/2004 |
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Meerkats, talked to Jay, he said something bout food. And boom! Reminded me I have not eaten anything for 3 days. I need to eat something tommrow...or today since, like 3 more mintues till tommrow. Heh, whatevers. Oh also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Z!!!!!! ^^ hehe, even though i dount you will ever read this!
Thats all for now i'm off to bed... |
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| 10:54pm 20/03/2004 |
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damn blurty........just wrote my ENTIRE dream...........I HATE AOL IT FUCKING SHOULD BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!
now back to dream... From what i someone that may have been posssed by Satan or a demon, or just knows a hell of alot different ways of fighting and was alot of strength for someone only kind a taller then me. Either...A: were trying to kill me...B: wanted something from me pretty badly....
Ok...now i'm outside and its really cold...i'm sitting next to a blooming full white rose looking bush. The stars are silver looking, and the grass is green, with just hills upon hills in the background inf ront of my house...now somethng happened but i cant remember it...either i talked with someone...something happened...
anyway i then find myself in my kitchen grabbing two kinves. i turn, and time slows down for a bit before they just strike at me.....amazling like the others dreams....i should have been stabbed and died...not this time...i use one of my kitchen knives and block it. So we started sparring, and not bragging but i was pretty good, was not stabbing him or anything but, i was blocking and not dieing. So we are figthing at its a few more steps and hes going to block me into a wall, so i take my foot and firmly push him back. Leading him to smash against a wall and the cats water dish.
So fighting continues, intill we get to downstairs hall way. Somehow he ends up grabbing my wrists. Now one would think then i would be dead...not really. Time gets really slow and for the first time i start to look up to see how it is........FADES to black, and a jolt up awake and feel like someone just threw a brick at me.
Now...ist amazing how i was able to fight back...in other dreams there are NO weapons, and no matter what how hard i struggle i cant break free, my screams only amount to silent screams. And i ALWAYS end up dieing one way or another...not this time. And i would have most likey been able to kill whoever the guy was if they were not so strong, and did not know how much he knew about fighting.......key parts in this.......
~White looking rose bush ~ how i was able to fight back ~ the kitchen knives ~ rolling green hills in front of my house |
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| Dreams... |
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| 10:32pm 20/03/2004 |
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mood:  nervous music: Miracles Theme Song
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damn blurty........just wrote my ENTIRE dream...........I HATE AOL IT FUCKING SHOULD BURN IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!
now back to dream... From what i someone that may have been posssed by Satan or a demon, or just knows a hell of alot different ways of fighting and was alot of strength for someone only kind a taller then me. Either...A: were trying to kill me...B: wanted something from me pretty badly....
Ok...now i'm outside and its really cold...i'm sitting next to a blooming full white rose looking bush. The stars are silver looking, and the grass is green, with just hills upon hills in the background inf ront of my house...now somethng happened but i cant remember it...either i talked with someone...something happened...
anyway i then find myself in my kitchen grabbing two kinves. i turn, and time slows down for a bit before they just strike at me.....amazling like the others dreams....i should have been stabbed and died...not this time...i use one of my kitchen knives and block it. So we started sparring, and not bragging but i was pretty good, was not stabbing him or anything but, i was blocking and not dieing. So we are figthing at its a few more steps and hes going to block me into a wall, so i take my foot and firmly push him back. Leading him to smash against a wall and the cats water dish.
So fighting continues, intill we get to downstairs hall way. Somehow he ends up grabbing my wrists. Now one would think then i would be dead...not really. Time gets really slow and for the first time i start to look up to see how it is........FADES to black, and a jolt up awake and feel like someone just threw a brick at me.
Now...ist amazing how i was able to fight back...in other dreams there are NO weapons, and no matter what how hard i struggle i cant break free, my screams only amount to silent screams. And i ALWAYS end up dieing one way or another...not this time. And i would have most likey been able to kill whoever the guy was if they were not so strong, and did not know how much he knew about fighting.......key parts in this.......
~White looking rose bush ~ how i was able to fight back ~ the kitchen knives ~ rolling green hills in front of my house |
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| By The Gods... |
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| 09:43am 14/03/2004 |
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mood:  drained music: Angel: The Series Theme Song
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Oh My Goddess. I have never felt so tired and drained in my entire life. I slept for 10 hours even, but its like all the energy has been zapped out of me for no reason.
Went to a christain chruch last night, so Kristine would not have to feel out of place all alone. She owes me big time though. I have never felt so akward and judged in my life, by most of the people there. One boy even asked me if i believed in God. Me and Kristine replyed "No coment" He asked me again later and I said. "There are other Gods besides the Christain God" Then he said something along the lines f he was not trying to pressure us and he was sorry. I think its wrong though Barbra forces all the kids to go.
*shudders* But I got so many judging looks from most of the adults. I think it was because though i had a small pentagram drawn on my hand. I sure as rain was not wearing my silver pentagram there, hidden under my shirt or not. I am not out of the broom closet yet. only two people know, Kristine and Tracie. Kristine is practices Wicca too i'm pretty sure, and Tracie repects it, and even asked some questions that I answered, and she is cool with it.
Gah, but also felt so drained there, like everyone was draining me of my enery. Thankfully I went to the bathroom then me Kristine, and Nikki just hung out in a classroom for an hour, before looking back in for the last 20 mintues. Then Kristine fell asleep on my shoulder.
*sighs* i just dont know whats wrong with me and chruches. I know i should not be there, because I feel like I'm...guess tresspassing because I dont believe in there God, and i beleive in The Goddess and God. Though there is one place of worship i know i could spent others in if i was alone. That would be like catherdels, like Notra Dame. They have also, I dont know...gave me a certain feeling, like I have been there before, and knew them really well.
Other chruches just, either dont faze me at all and is just a building I'm respectful of. Also I guess I feel out of place because, everyone there has such a feeling of...something. And all i know its like your wearing raincoat and it just all slides off, and does not effect me as all. And I just clap respectfully. But I dont think i need to pretend to be something I'm not. Oh also Davud kept flirting with me, and i thought Kristine was about ready to explode. She really needs to learn to just ingnore him like i do.
Me: *i'm walking out of the door* David: *grins* I love you Me: Thats nice *walk out the door and on my merry way following Kristine out into the hall way*
See how simple that is? I know i do. Also spent the night down at her house. *gasps* yes i know i do leave the house and talk to people once in awhile. We stayed up till 10:00 pm talking about spagitti, french bread, gralic bread, fried chicken, tacos, and fries. *shrugs* i have no idea why, we were not even hungry.
^_^ also she talks in her sleep. Kristine: *Sits up and raises her hand* Damn The Lord! *rolls over and goes back to sleep* Kristine: *15 mitnues later, mumles somethings* David! Me: *looks over at her and says in desbeilf so she may think my voice is part of her dream* what? Kristine: That bitch!!!! *turns over at falls back alseep*
bwahahahahaha!!!! ^^ it was so funny. Also, she ended up hugging me like i was her tigger pillow but I thumped her on the head, and then threw tigger at her so she rolled over went to sleep. Then she hit me the chin too 2 hours later I think everytime one of us spends the night, she ends up almost pushing me out the bed, steals the blanket, hits me, and mistakes me for her pillow. I jacked her pillow though at 5:00 am to get back at her, bwahhahahahahahahaha!!!
*yawns* other then that, my mental energy is just gone...and i am drained for no real reason at all... |
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| I've Got A Theory! |
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| 01:50pm 13/03/2004 |
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mood:  amused music: I've Got A Thoery!- Once More With Feeling
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I've got a theory, its a demon, a dancing demon, wait somethings not right there I've got a theory, some kid dreaming. And were all stuck inside his wacky broadway nightmare I've got a theory we should work this out its getting eriely whats this chery singing all about It could be witches, some evil witches which is reidulous cause witches were parsacuted, wicked good, and loved the earth, women power, and i will be over here I've Got got a theory, it could be bunnies... I've Got a thoery BUNNIES aren't just cute like everybody supposes Thye got those hoppy legs and twictly little noises and whats with all the carrots and what do they need such good eye sight for anyway!!! Bunnies, Bunnies, it must be bunnies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ..................or maybe migits
^_^ bwahahahahahaha |
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| Quizes |
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| 01:44pm 13/03/2004 |
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mood:  apathetic
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 Angst. You are an angel of angst. Once one of water. But your depression has caused you to become an outcast. You love to be by yourself, as it helps you think. You have always, and always will wonder what has gone wrong. Your soul has been shattered, and your wings are in peices. But that's just you. You spend your days searching for something. Not someone. Though you don't know what you are looking for. You don't even remember who you are. And are always trying to find that person, yourself, your soul. Which seems to have been misplaced.
But. When you find what you are looking for, it will become clear. All tragedy will be ripped from your wings, and your true colours will show. And then, you are the most powerful of them all.
Hang on, keep looking for it is there. Just try not to loose all you hope and become nothing. For you are truly beautiful.
What Type Of Angel Have You Become? brought to you by Quizilla |
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