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she's lost in coma, where it's beautiful,
name: afton michelle k.
e-mail: ashre@moonshadow-garden.net
a view into the heart
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02.13.04 [17:58] // dream // Angst is a cool world. Happy Valentine's Day!! Or, actually, the day prior to Valentine's Day. Except as far as school is concerned, it might as well be today. Anyhow, before I bring you this exclusive V-Day edition, I want to introduce you to a new friend:  In any case, before I can tell you about my day I will have to backtrack a little, as an explanation is necessary to fully understand my current situation. We all remember my discovery about Curtis having had sex with Kathleen, right? That was last Thursday. Friday I was too sick and pre-occupied with my permit test to give it much thought, but by Saturday night, well, you know how things can get when you're alone at night and listening to depressing music. Now, more elaboration time! This is about the premarital sex issue itself. To clarify, I really don't have an opinion about it either way. Curtis and Kathleen weren't the first and they certainly won't be the last, and who am I to forbid them from doing it? I don't have a religion to tell me that it is immoral or unethical or whatever. The issue has not come up for me personally nor have I been in a position where I have had to make a decision either way, so I don't have an opinion, and I won't use premarital sex alone to pass judgment on Curtis's moral character. HOWEVER, what really bothered me that if Kathleen and Curtis are "together", they haven't been that way for more than a month.. most likely less, even. I think premarital sex is okay, as long as it's done responsibly, and I'm not just talking about protection and HIV tests. I'm talking about having known the person long enough (6 months+) to know you can trust them. And yeah, I know that's probably an overly idealistic thing to say, but then, if you've spent this much time reading my journal and you don't realize I'm a hopeless romantic and idealist, then you probably don't know very much about me. Anyway. So Curtis and Kathleen getting together and also having sex within a month just bugged me. At first I told myself, "Oh well, you picked the wrong guy to fall for." But that just plain screwed me over. That thought, I mean. Because, the way I feel ~ it wasn't a choice on my part, to fall for Curtis. I have garnered the impression that some Higher Power was trying to mock me, and so set me up to be his lab partner and inevitably set me up to have a hopeless crush on him, even though it was probably a fact of life all along that nothing would ever come of it. I just felt I had no say in the matter, and then on top of that THIS had to happen to just entirely emotionally screw me up. That line of thinking really brought me down. So, by the end of the weekend, surprise, surprise, I really wasn't doing well. But then it was back to school on Monday. And Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday and today. And irony of ironies, to top off all this shit... Curtis has to go and be extra-funny, unusually attentive, and fucking NICE to me. THIS WEEK of all weeks. Monday, in Pre-Cal, I hadn't realized that our quizzes were on the back table and we had to pick them up. When I turned around and realized it, Curtis got up and got it for me. Wednesday, in Physics, we were talking about the dollhouse project for Physics (I can't remember if I mentioned it, but we have to build a dollhouse and use circuits to add lighting, and then have a theme and decorations for extra credit) and Curtis was getting his supplies that were in the back. We'd decided Nick would build the house, Curtis would do series, Erwin parallel, and I would do complex. The series and parallel circuits only needed Christmas lights, which were on the back table, but my complex circuit required a buzzer for a doorbell. That wasn't on the back table. Then, Curtis asked what part of the project I was doing, and when I told him I was doing complex, he walked to the front of the classroom, asked Mrs. S where the buzzers were, went to the drawer, got one out, walked back to our table, played with the buzzer a little, and then handed it to me. Aside from the thing he said to me after the boatraces, that is probably the nicest thing he's ever done for me. And you're probably thinking, "Oh, big deal. People do that stuff for each other. It's called being polite." But, understand -- Curtis isn't "people". He doesn't TRY to be nice, or polite, because he doesn't CARE. Tuesday he flat-out admitted in Physics that his sole philosophy in life is "why be nice to people when you can be mean to them?" And it's so true. He's not lying or trying to be macho, that's truly how he is. So that he's doing this kind of stuff for me.. I'm just amazed. And it screws me over even more. Now, more than ever, I just wish I was able to hate him, REALLY strongly dislike him and try to avoid him and snap at him and loathe him. But I can't. I can't remember what day it was anymore.. I guess Tuesday. Anyway, Mrs. Schweiger was talking more about the dollhouses and the themes, and then she said, "The theme will probably be the point of greatest dissension between your group members, especially in groups with both boys and girls." As she was saying that I already knew, 'Curtis is going to look at me.' And he did. He turned and looked at me, gave me a Look, and then turned back to the class, announcing: "Well, I want flowers, but she likes tanks." ..Everyone was just dying with laughter. And... how can you hate someone who says things like that??? >_______< Tuesday afternoon, Curtis, Susan K., the genius Freshmen and I all stayed after school to take this test called AMC, for math. It was an extra-curricular thing.. scholarship opportunities and all that jazz. Mrs. H had brought in tons of snacks and Susan's mom had brought in pizza, so we had a sort of party as well. Anyway, I'd done pretty well on the test, I think. Afterwards Curtis was saying he'd managed to answer 8, and I'd answered 11 (out of 25). (Yes, trust me, that is very good.) So Wednesday in Physics, he asked me, "How do you think you did on that math thing yesterday?" So I told him I answered 11, and he said, "11, you say?" Then he reached in his backpack, got out the test booklets we'd been allowed to keep, and opened it, showing me the pictures of his cartoony characters that he'd drawn all over the test and the diagrams and stuff. He had one standing on a cylinder with a bow and arrow while another figure was scaling the cylinder wall, and tons of other drawings. It was so funny. Anyway, naturally, I asked, "Did you draw any penguins?" So he went through the booklet and looked, but had to respond with, "No penguins, I'm afraid." So he got out his pencil and drew me a penguin. Other moments: HIM, in class Tuesday, while doing test review sheet: "What's a galvanometer?" ME: "I think it's a device that measures really small currents." HIM: "Bahh! Nora! Of course not!" ME, in class Wednesday, while going over notes before the test: "I was right about the galvanometer." HIM: "Oh, I believe you." ME: "You didn't yesterday!" HIM: "That's because I doubt you automatically." HIM, Wednesday, during test: "Psst! Nora! I think I'm gonna have to cheat off of you for these here polarities!" HIM, yesterday, after comparing our final averages for the marking period in Physics: "YEAH!" ME: "What're you saying 'YEAH!' for? I beat you by three points!" HIM: "You think I care about your competition?" ME: "I think you do." HIM: "You're a Sophomore, right? Yeah. Your competition doesn't matter to me." ME: "I think it does." HIM: "Maybe I'm just genuinely happy for you!" ME: "I find that hard to believe." HIM, yesterday, after being unable to figure out yet another complex circuit problem: "I think it's time to cheat off Nora!" HIM, yesterday, in math, after finding out when this worksheet is due: "I think we'd better cheat off you tomorrow, Nora." ROB: "As you now do with almost everything else." And that's basically just the way it's been going. And it's been.. great, in that I feel happy despite myself, and I've actually been happier at school than at home. But it's also been.. so cruel, because hating him would be so much nicer, and easier. Which brings us to today, the day before Valentine's Day, when all the preps and pretty/popular girls get flowers, candy, stuffed animals, and balloons, while we singles and outcasts of society get passed over. Honestly, prior to this year, V-Day to me wasn't just Single's Awareness Day. It was the day when all your hopes would always get shot down. You'd wake up and tell yourself, "This year will be different," but it never would be. You'd just end up disappointed. This year, I went in with surprisingly low expectations. I guess it had to do with finding about Kathleen and Curtis.. it helped me pound into my own head that probably nothing romantic would happen, that I wouldn't get anything. But my attitude the entire day was just.. different. Instead of being my usual quixotic, and by the end of this day, depressed self, I was just.. numb. Calmb. Unfeeling. More than that, I was able to focus on the little things that made my day better. Like: In the morning, as I was walking in the hall, I passed by Brad, and he said hi to me. And my ego temporarily was really boosted, because a football player thought I was cool enough to say hi to in the hall, and that was way cool. Plus, Curtis didn't get Kathleen anything, which is what I'd been fearing and probably wouldn't have been able to deal with. Of course, it may be more evidence that he's only using her for sex, but let's disregard that train of thought for the time being. I'd also had the theory that since Valentine's Day isn't on a schoolday this year, many couples would wait to exchange gifts until tomorrow, and I think I was right. There were much fewer people with flowers and balloons, although the stuffed animals were still prevalent. But as I said, I was remarkably calm and numb throughout the whole thing, and for once, it hasn't been an entirely bad day. The fact that Curtis didn't get Kathleen anything really helped, but then, as I said, maybe it was also my attitude. Maybe I'm maturing. Maybe I'm losing my innocence, some of my idealism and my hopeless romantic belief in everlasting love. Of course, the latter may not be an entirely good thing, because it may be evidence of another large part of my personality going to pieces, but meh. For right now, if numb keeps me from feeling these disappointments, I'll take numb over retaining my innocence and idealism. I have to go. I'm going to hang at Kitty's house. We're having a sort of singles pity party. We're going to watch 10 Things I Hate About You, and other movies, and eat pizza and stuff. Good times. Namaste. ( P.S. -- for Tom )
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