mood //	pissed off
music //	"the noose"

01.24.04 [11:03]   // dream //   Your halo's slipping down.

Ugh, I'm fucking pissed off. The Mexican workers that came to our house to fix our bathroom took $20 out of my wallet that I was keeping my money in from the GameBoy sales, that I was going to use towards better hosting for my domains in April. Fuck!!! There was supposed to be $58 in there, but I counted it this morning and there was only $38. I swear to God I never took out that money myself, because I was saving for a PURPOSE. The drawer was slightly opened and the wallet wasn't covered like it usually is. -_- Two $20 bills in my sister's wallet were replaced by a five and a one.

FUCK IT. I was saving this money for a reason that is fucking important to me. Now it's going to take me three weeks to earn all that back!!! >:o

1 spread their wings and soared   //   space out and learn to fly

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mood //	angsty
music //	"ourselves"

01.24.04 [23:02]   // dream //   Because of you.

Ugh. Fuck it. I wish I could just disappear. Today's been one of those days where you just end up wondering why you're even alive. What the purpose behind your existence is, if there even is one. It doesn't mean I'm now going to jump off the nearest bridge and be all suicidal and shit. I just wonder why I'm here. Everything is just becoming so fucked up again.

I've felt something is wrong.. at least the past three days, if not the past week. I haven't been able to put it into words, so I just kept quiet about it. It has to do with me, and my faults, and Curtis, and Tom, and hell, probably even the rest of the world while we're at it. I'm in a very confused slump, trying to decide what to do about it but whenever I resolve to change or do something life just comes and smacks me in the face and screws everything up. I just don't know. But today everything just.. reached a climax.

I was doing fine. I spent the morning and most of the afternoon searching about every MP3 rotation site on the web for more Ayu, Utada Hikaru, BoA, Maaya Sakamoto, Do As Infinity, and some other JPop music. I'd gotten a bit sick of listening to the same rock music over and over, so I felt like broadening my collection of JPop mp3's. So, I did. Meanwhile, I read Aoshi x Misao fanfiction and that sorta stuff. Sorta depressing, but I was okay. I knew shit was brewing under the surface, but I kept it at bay. Everything was dandy, right?

But then, after dinner, we went to see Les Miserables which was put on by KC's drama department. Bad idea. No, don't get me wrong... I love Les Mis. It is one of the most awesome musicals ever, and I've read the book and loved it (though it was slow). And their entire presentation of it was stunning... it was amazing to realize that it was just a high school drama department putting this on. And Eponine, who is one of my favorite fictional characters ever, was magnificently played by Allison Luff. <333 Loved her performance. She is way at the top of my cool list right now.

But setting foot inside KC... that was not a good idea. I mean, I hung out with Lisa during intermission and that was awesome, and I got a card from her for Chinese New Year and stuff. <333 Mucho kudoz. But everyone else.. it was just too many familiar faces. Just too many memories. It was not a place I needed to be, and it didn't help that the play was long. I loved the play but all I could think was, "I can't be here. I have to get out of here." I was suddenly so anguished, so.. suffocating. I don't know, but it didn't help my situation.

When I finally did make it home, I was getting drinks for me & mom and mom gave me this whole lecture about how I'm selfish and unhelpful, even though The Bitch was sitting there ordering me around like a waitress and all I'd told her was that she could get her own drink. ...Fuck.

God, I just... fuck, I don't need this. Everything is confusing the shit out of me right now and the majority of the people in my life are just not making it any easier to deal with. And that makes it harder for me to deal with them, and now I'm hiding and avoiding almost everyone. I don't want to, but... it's hard to deal with others when I can't even deal with myself. I just need some space and some peace and some quality time to figure out what the hell is wrong, but no one is giving me any.

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