mood //	sick
music //	a perfect circle

01.18.04 [12:04]   // dream //   Keep your head down, go to sleep to the rhythm of the war-drums..

Well, it's been a few days. I find myself coming here less and less, and feeling increasingly less guilty about it. I don't know what it is.. it just seems things are changing. I'm changing; I've been journalling online for two years now and all of a sudden it just doesn't seem that much of a necessity anymore. Also, for me, part of the reason I kept this up is so my KC friends can know what's going on with me, but I don't think any of them come here anymore. I know Lisa did but now she seems to have disapperated from the Internet entirely. :| Everyone's leaving the journal sites, either quitting altogether or moving on to their own sites with their own blogs. I was reading my friends page here a couple of days ago and it was like the same 3 or 4 people who wrote all 20 entries on just that one page. :/ Everyone else seems to be moving on.

I don't want to move on because my sense of loyalty makes it hard, because I've been doing this faithfully for two years and for me it's hard to keep things like that up for such a long time. It's very rare that I go for more than a few weeks without writing, and for the most part it's been good. Even if I don't write anything meaningful, just writing every day or every few days helps me become a better writer.

But journalling has changed. I remember why I started ~ I was fighting with Lisa and venting to Melissa, and she suggested I get a DeadJournal to vent in. I thought it was a marvellous idea, and it worked... for a long time. But now, I really don't need to vent much anymore. It's not that I don't have problems, that I don't deal with similar shit, but I seem to react to it differently now. I'm not angry much, not really angry. I haven't been depressed in ages and I haven't had any fights with my best friends in many months. Besides, the problems that I do have seem to be the same ones over and over again, and writing the same things is getting tedious.

It's all just so different now. It's no longer a therapeutic thing for me. When I write now.. it's not as much because I really want to write as that I feel that I need to, as a chore or a sense of duty. To whom? I don't know. But now even that feeling of duty is lessening. I realize that I could live without writing here, just as others could live without reading this. Over the past two years I've gotten in the habit, I've started thinking like... every time something remotely exciting, unusual or amusing happens during the day, I'd tell myself, "I have to remember that, to write about in my journal later." I still do it every day, out of habit, but when I get home it's like I realize.. it really doesn't matter. I can write about that funny conversation with Curtis in Physics, or that unusual look that I got from that girl in the hall, or report every detail of how my first yoga class went, but it really doesn't matter. It's really not accomplishing anything.

I guess my perspective of life is changing too. My "unnatural fascination with ordinary day-by-day things" is diminishing.


...Anyway, there's my "deep thought" for the day. I guess I'm just trying to decide what to do about writing here. In April, when I'll have three domains, two of them will have blogs. My blogs. And I'm just trying to decide what to do about Blurty between them. I could always cross-post and stuff, but... is it really still worth it going on? Maybe another chapter of my life has ended, and I just need to accept it.


So, uhh, yeah. Enough of that. Back to the daily stuff.

Well, things have kind of slowed back down since I turned in my Art project. I've been dreadfully tired all week; too little sleep just doesn't work for me. My headaches have been annoying, and I've been having a bad cold again. It's made me pretty cranky, and I've lashed out at a few friends unintentionally. -.- I have so much crap to catch up on, but I'm really no good to anyone in this state.

Not much happened at school. I haven't had any tests since the Physics test, and only a couple of quizzes. Nothing really major.. no projects yet, either. We have a major lab in Physics on Thursday that will be pretty tough. After that the work will probably slowly start to pile up in other classes as well.

I told you about the extracurriculars already. Anyhow, I had a Science UIL meeting on Friday morning. Mrs. Sherwin wants us to start meeting three times a week to prepare. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday in the mornings. Pretty demanding. However, after taking the tests last year, the practice test, and the test yesterday (more about that later), I can understand.. this is not an easy subject to do UIL for. They mainly cover stuff that you barely spend any time on in class. :/

Study Hall still rocks immensely, and so does Physics. We're getting heavy into this electricity stuff. In a couple of weeks we're going to have to build circuits and everything. @_@; Still, it's fun. I luffles that class.

Also, here's a conversation that'll give you some more of an idea of what kind of person Curtis is: :P

Mrs. Schweiger: "So, today we are going to be talking about electric fields. But first, let's backtrack a little and talk about some more generic stuff. What forces do you all have acting on you right now?"
Someone: "Gravity!"
Mrs. Schweiger: "That's one! Now, what causes gravity?"
Chris M.: "The... moon?"
Curtis: "THE CURVATURE OF SPACE-TIME!"
Mrs. Schweiger: "...The earth, Curtis. The earth."
(later)
Mrs. Schweiger: "Okay, so we have gravity, normal force... what else do you have acting on you? It's really very obvious.."
Curtis: "A strong nuclear force!"
Someone: "..What?"
Curtis: "A strong nuclear force! It holds your protons to their nuclei and the electrons in their quanta." (or something like that, I don't recall exactly what)
Mrs. Schweiger: "...let's skip that one and move onto something a bit simpler.."
Someone: "Friction!"
Mrs. Schweiger: "There we go! That's what I was looking for. That strong nuclear force will not keep you from sliding off your chair, Curtix."

We had a great day Friday. It was like.. for one day, our minds were completely in synch. We didn't have to ask each other things or explain them. We just understood. =)


Yesterday I went to a math tourney at Elkins High. That's all the way in Sugarland on the other side of Houston. We took a bus there and back because just getting there took an hour and a half.. and then there was another hour and a half for the return journey later. We were gone almost the entire day. I had to be at school at 6:30 AM and the bus didn't get back until 5:30 PM. @_@

It wasn't as much fun as I had hoped, but it was still a lot of fun. The tests were pretty hard overall, so that didn't really help my self-esteem much. ~.~ However, because it was a long contest, we had a lot of time to kill, mainly during lunch. We took the bus to drive to a strip mall and we all went to separate restaurants there. They had a Chinese place, a Chick-Fil-A, a BBQ place, a Marble Slab, a Subway, and a couple of other things. Susan K. and I ate at Chick-Fil-A. My preference went out to Subway (because we're already going to eat Chinese today) but Susan wanted to go to C-F-A so I sacrificed myself because I didn't want to eat alone. XP

It only took us fifteen minutes to eat, and then we still had about two hours to kill until we were due back at the bus. There wasn't much entertaining to do other than walk or eat; the Super Target was across the highway. >:/ So, we walked into Kroger's and walked around and made fun of brandnames. That got old after a while though, so we walked out, and on the way out, the sensors at the door went off. o__o I swear I hadn't stolen anything. But they went off. So we just tip-toed out of there before someone would come and accuse me of stealing which I hadn't done.

Then we walked into Hallmark and walked around, and looked for penguin stuff. When we came out, we met up with Michelle, Rheem, Chelsea, Carter and Jayvin. We all walked to Marble Slab together, where Rheem got ice cream and I got a smoothie. We spent a lot of time sitting and talking there. The Seniors that came were all there, too. Finally, everyone began to head back towards the bus. Our group minus Carter walked into Kroger (and again, the sensors went off). Susan K. and I had devised a plot to buy silly string and assault the MAT sponsors, so we went looking for silly string, only they didn't have any. So then Rheem and I looked through the mylar balloons to see if we could find a funny, quasi-insulting one to give to Mrs. H. But we couldn't find a good one. :/ So, finally, I bought a pack of gum (I was feeling very congested), Susan bought Lifesavers, Rheem bought a magazine, and we left. And the sensors went off again. GEEZ.

Outside, we took a picture of Rheem and Michelle on the mini-carousel. Then we walked past a liquor store, and I told Susan how funny it would be if we went in and someone took a picture of us in there. I was going to do it, but then I saw that the door said "No entrance under 21". :/ Getting caught would be bad. So.. we didn't do that either. ~_~ Finally, we got back to the bus. Assaulted each other with Donnie's blow-up football, and left to go back to the school.

The awards were delayed, giving us some time to visit the video game room. Yes, they had the same idea we did, what we want to do for the Jr. High contest. :/ The amusing thing, however, was that they had DDR. It was pretty amusing to see all these little Asian boys running through the hallways yelling, "LET'S GO PLAY DDR!" XD

Yes, I swear, 2/3 of the people at the contest were Asian or Middle Eastern. I am not kidding. We white people were the minority. o_O Well, at least I'm a half-breed. =P

Finally, it was time for awards. But they were a half hour late, so instead of doing the high school awards after the middle school ones, they sent the high schoolers to the auditorium so we could have our award ceremony separately, to save time. Long story short, I didn't win anything, but then again, neither did almost anyone in our group. The four genius Freshmen were the only ones from our school who won anything. :/ And they're so.. %$@#%^@ dedicated isn't even the word. Obsessive? x_x We were walking to the bus, and Justin was verbally beating himself up because he'd gotten second place on one test instead of first, saying like, "I ruined my winning streak!" And Jesse was saying like, "We were all having a bad day, but Kenny did especially bad.. he's gonna kill himself when he gets home." And Kenny won like, what, FOUR awards, including two trophies?! I'd be happy if I won that much! Most of us didn't get anything! I swear.. compared to these guys, I'm not a nerd, I'm normal.

We got our tests back on the bus. I did best on the Science one, but I still didn't do well on any of them. :| But, I kept the questions for the Science test, so I can use it to study for UIL. I'm going to start reading a chapter in my Chemistry textbook every night, because Mr. McCormick's teaching (or lack thereof) really isn't going to help me with this.


Today, we're going to the theatre to see Flower Drum Song, a musical that has to do with Chinese culture. Then we're going out to eat Chinese afterwards. Should be awesome. ^______^

Okay, I've got to run. I'll be back tonight. Peace!

3 spread their wings and soared   //   space out and learn to fly

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