mood //	restless
music //	sounds from the tv

01.05.04 [20:55]   // dream //   What if I can't express myself anymore? What then?

Well, I suppose I should write again one more time before it's back to school tomorrow.

I'm not really all that concerned. A little nervous, for whatever reason, but that's not any different than I usually feel. Mainly, I'm just afraid that I won't have classes with Curtis or Susan K. or Courtney, but I don't think any of them are getting schedule changes so that should be alright. I'm, of course, getting a schedule change, but that doesn't affect any of my classes with them. So it should be alright.

Undoubtedly I'll barely get any sleep tonight. I can never sleep the night before coming back to school after vacation. Better find another book to read. (I just finished another one in one day.)

Seeing Curtis again is the highlight of my week. Other than that my feelings are very.. nondescript.

I don't expect to have to do too much yet tomorrow. They'll probably put us back to work right off the bat in Physics and Pre-Cal, but I don't expect we'll do too much in any of the other classes. We'll continue working on our rodeo projects in Art, and the Peanick woman will probably fuss at me for barely even touching mine. I'm beyond caring. If I don't get to enter the contest for the first time in three years, well, so be it.


Even if I finished my piece, entered, and won, it wouldn't be a personal victory. If I made it a perfect, photorealistic drawing like they want me to,.. it wouldn't say anything about me. It would say, "Hey, that Afton has a teacher who is really into photorealism," but it wouldn't say anything about me personally.

I HATE IT. I tried to work on it yesterday and today, but every time I worked for more than thirty minutes, I ended up feeling like I was choking, or like I was going to throw up or spontaneously combust. It's one of the worst feelings I've had in a while. ..It's hard to explain. Maybe souma_kyo or one of my other fellow artists understand.. I don't know how to put it into words. It was just a terrible asphyxiating, imploding, nauseating feeling.

I just can't express myself in this project. At all. I realized what's bothering me so terribly much about Art this year.. it's not just having to draw every project, and being in a class with people who actually want to be there and as a result having a teacher with higher standards. But every single project we have done so far has been REALISM. We started out with portraits.. well, that speaks for itself. Then we did the paper bags. *vomits* And now she wants us to do photorealism of farm animals for the Rodeo competition, because apparently photorealism is the only thing that the District considers worth anything and the only thing that wins prizes.

And all this realism is just not my style. My style is to take things, and start off with realism, but then abstract them. Taking realistic objects and drawings and adding wacky color schemes, or adding in patterns and different line styles. That's me. That's how I express myself through my art. My drawing, my painting.. even my digital art, my graphics.

And it would be okay if we just did one realism project and then did something else, but NO... we've been doing it for an entire semester, and I'm fearing that this second semester won't be any better.

And it just makes me sick. Makes me feel like I'm choking. I'm not expressing myself. Art is expression, but if I can't express myself... what then?


*sigh* It's just been bothering me so much today. I love Art; I want to love Art. I want it to be my life; I want to go to an Art & Design college. But this class is just.. continually making me feel like I'm hitting a dead end. I would do something about it but I don't know how. I'm starting to fear I'll never be able to finish this class, and that my future as an artist will be ruined. Maybe my fears are groundless, but...

My parents say it's a phase every artist has to go through. Everyone hits a point where they collide with certain standards that you just can't get around; you have to adapt and conform. They don't really understand though.. well, maybe mom, but not dad. I just can't put into words how terrible this is making me feel. It's like feeling like a failure but worse.. I'm a failure at what I'm supposed to be BEST at. I try and try and try but I just don't seem to be getting anywhere.

And I have the best intentions, saying I'll work on that piece and finish it, but I just end up getting the choking feeling again, and have to stop.


Ugh. I neeed to stop thinking about it. This is not making me feel much better. But I had to get it off my chest, so maybe I can leave it behind me for a bit. I've just felt so restless all day. I've been longing to find some peace and calm, doing just whatever to enjoy my last day of freedom.. but I haven't been able to. I can't even stay at my computer for more than thirty minutes without having to get up and do something else for a bit. Even when I read, my mind constantly wanders or my eyes end up skipping all over the page. I have wanted so much to just be able to relax, have a little bit of peace before the chaos.. but I can't relax. I feel so unusually restless.

So I guess it's good that I'm going back to school. Everything will fall into routine again, and I won't have to feel this way.

I guess I'll find out tomorrow what the consequences will be for not finishing my project. *sigh* I think it was only due if you were intending to enter the contest, though...

Well, no use worrying about it anymore. Done is done. I've made my bed (or rather, I didn't make it) and now I have lie in it.


Ahh, Curtis.. save me from all this damned confusion.

7 spread their wings and soared   //   space out and learn to fly

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