11:45am 26/03/2004
  I love it how you'd roll excuses off the tip' of your tongue as i'd slowly fall apart.

freakin addicted to this new guy, hes just everything and more i can't even begin to explain. too bad hes leaving for the other side of the country eventually :*(
does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?   
08:46pm 22/02/2004
mood: crushed
music: Happy Birthday to Me!!!! :)
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on the corner in the pouring rain, oh
look for the girl with the broken smile
ask her if she wants to stay awhile

ohh goodness, i'm so tired of chasing after thigns that will never happen. things can come to me here on out, im done.
I know that goodbye means nothing at all   
09:02pm 19/02/2004
  I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories, I dont need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life
And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday, someday
Drain the blood from this valentine:

"We can rise on the wings of the dove
See blue skies getting caught in the trail of all this smoke
We can rise, like candles in the dark -Yours always"
and an envelope marked with your new address

It was the first time face to face
Crossing the line talking to the other side of death
Hearing the words that choke memories into flatlines
Calling your name, hoping for something to wash these dreams of you away
It's never over, it's never over
The ribbon is tied the card was never read
It's never over, it's never over
The ribbon was crimson, the color of the night
Is all I ever see anymore
But the day looked so bright (bright)
In the pictures, in the photo album that you gave me
Is all I have, to live for (live for)
Can you see the handwritting on the walls
and on the autumn leaves that fall
what are we gonna do?
The trees are giving up on us
The needle and the thread
stitch us to the branch, and the night never ends
I'm falling down, I'm falling down
and your not here to catch my fall
I shut my eyes when you around
I hold my breath to kill the sound
I'm falling down, I'm falling down
And your not here to catch my fall
sing me something soft
sad and delicate
or loud and out of key
sing me anything

Well in case you failed to notice
In case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you
This is me down on my knees
And these foolish games
Are tearing me apart
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn
Somebody more like myself
And these foolish games
Are tearing me apart
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
04:24pm 28/01/2004
mood: creative
music: bleh
letting out the noise inside of me
every windowpane is shattering
cutting up my words before i speak
t h i s i s h o w i t f e e l s t o n o t b e l i e v e
12:57pm 24/12/2003
  Merry Christmas Eve!

Today is gonna go by incredibly slooooow. But its all good, I'm on break so let the time roll on by

I'm supposed to go visit my friend Andy at work later around 5ish, so I'm doing that. AND tomorrow im going to pittsburgh until sunday woooooo! we're gonna go iceskating, out to dinner, family pictures, and shopping of course. can't wait

then sunday its the steelers/ravens game =) gonna be a doozie

happy holidays

theres a song thats inside of my soul, its the one that i've tried to write over and over again.   
06:37pm 22/12/2003
mood: accomplished
music: Switchfoot: Only Hope (a walk to remember soundtrack) ;)
Today was pretty great. I was expecting to have work since its the last two days before break and teachers usually cram stuff in on us. But we watched Forest Gump and had donuts in sociology, in advanced comp we watched the senior broadcast after turning our papers in, and in calc we did a friday fun drill and learned something new, a/m history we watched some movie. so a lot of movie watching wooooooo!!!

then i had practice, it was hell. 10x400's. It was a pain in the ass, i'm so spent now.

now i just finished my english paper and i have to do a physics lab in which i have NO idea what im doing what so ever! so yea

i hate holidays, everyone has someone! it would be so much easier to be taken if i wasnt so damn picky!

(i know now you're my o n l y h o p e)
Watching the love, fall to our feet. To the floor. It disappears.   
12:13pm 21/12/2003
mood: artistic
music: Appleseed Cast
Alright. This is it, I'm taking a stand right now. I really haven't kept this journal at all, I basically just read everyone elses and thats crazy! So from today on, I'm going to try to write in here daily. REALLLy, I am. I don't even care if no one reads this thing it'll happen.

So this entry will probably be long since i have to burt out everything that has been going on you know. I'm pretty excited for the holiday time, accept the one thing i DONT have, a boyfriend. boo hoo. I'm so sick of guys. I've been dating around and i'm convinced there is no one out there for me lol. sike i really just want to be with someone i'm tired of being alone. the thing is i'm really picky and i know what i want. So theres guys that are okay, but i don't settle for not the best. whichh isn't always good in this situation.

i've been sick all week, it sucks.

hmmm what else, oh yeah. i went to nyc this past thursday and i had SO much fun!!! that city is beautiful, unlike anything i'd ever seen before! really. ill post pics when i get them developed.

i need to get some new cd's but i don't know which ones to get! i kinda wanna buy appleseed cast, but i dunno. i want a cd like the early november, or something ilke that. but no one is as good as them ;)

okay i think i'm gonna stop now, i dont wanna make this too boring. >
...for all the letters that i've kept... +this is another i w o n t send+   
09:06pm 21/09/2003
mood: blank
music: Armor For Sleep
It's funny how, ARMOR.
things work out.
The ones we need
don't know we're there.
If I were sand
and you were oceans FOR.
the moon would be
why you're pulled to me.
I wake up and think dreams are real
I sleep so I don't have to feel
the truth that you can never be
the one person that won't ever forget me SLEEP.

i haven't updated in like, months lol. kinda sad i know. +so sorry+
im just so drained from everything. i pretty much only go to the emolyrics community and read lyrics and things there. guys are just draining me and i dont have much left.

on a good note, i bought like so many cd's today i spent a lottttttttttta cash ;)
-Senses Fail
-The Movielife
-Armor For Sleep
-Saves the Day

hehehehe im so happy about my sturfffff.

:. I'm beginning to give up on finding someone for me. I just know exactly what I want. E.X.A.C.T.L.Y. -- i just want someone whos smart, witty, confident, likes the same music as me, cares about what hes doing with himself, doesnt follow (ie: clothing), someone different, unique, makes me laugh, teaches me things. I don't know i can't seem to find it it's ridiculous. ergh. please help me :(

ack. school tomorrow. been a nice *4day* weekend...

and its you. the light changes when you're in the room. oh it's you...oh, it's you.   
10:27am 14/07/2003
mood: anxious
music: TBS- Ghost man on third
OooOooooOOk.. . .. . .. so, haha. um. been an exciting few weeks. i guess. lol

I went to myrtle Beach last week. i felt like the minority there haha,
everyone had southern accents. but not me! hehe. soo the first day there i was so bummed
cuz i wanted to hang out with travis and i really missed him a lot. but. then, the first "day"
there, this guy ryan and i started talking. and, we just like, connected really easily. it was so
weird. we were floating along in the lazy river at our hotel (yes, lazy river, it was so tight) and
we were holding hands within the first oh hour or two. it was weird. and we kissed the 2nd day.
he's from louisiana. :*( so, we chilled the whole week together, and walked the beach and
what not. and he left a day earlier than i did. so thursday night, his last night there, he went
out with his family, so i said i'd wait up for him to say bye. so i told him to come up and knock
even if it was late and that i'd stay up for him. lol, but i fell asleep at 11:30 and he came to my
room at 12. he said he didn't knock and that he just coughed and made noise outside my door lol.
but i didn't hear it i was loooonnnng asleep :*( so the next morning, my mom wakes me up at 6:53 a.m. and is like "ERIN GET UP GET UP girlllll its the last day at the beach!!!!" i was like mom are u kidding me leave me
alone lol. and i was like OH SHIT i didn't see ryan last night, he probably left nooooooo. so i went outside,
sat on the curb, and waited for a while hoping he hadn't left yet. so then i went up to his room and
checked if his room was vacant or occupied, and itw as occupied, meaning he was still there :) i was
really happy. so i went back to my curb spot and drank a starbucks mocha frappachino and waited
to see if he would peek his head outside his porch. he eventually did, and he came down and we
talked for a while. and he was like ' ok, well i gotta go up and pack and then we're leaving' and i was
really sad and i didn't want him to go. because we like had something you know. it hurt to know
that i would never see him again in my life. (well anythings possible but most likely no). and he was like
i hate when people cry when i leave them (he moves ALOT his dads in the air force or somethin') so i was
like oh great. so i held it in. we hugged a bunch of times and we kissed and hugged a final time and said
good-bye. and as he walked away we kept looking back at each other and i just wanted to run back
up to him and jump on him lol. and i turned around one last time and so did he and we waved and that
was it. i was so sad. i walked down to the beach and tears strolled down my face.

so. then i had the day to myself. i iddn't even want to talk to any other guys. so i didn't. i was too
sun burned to really do much any way lol. and so i just hung out the whole day, thinking about him.
so i came home saturday, got online and he wasn't on :( so i got on again yesterday, and he got ON :)
i was SOOOo effin excited and he IMed me right away :) :) :) and we talked for lke 2 hours. and then i
had to go. but he was like yeah i just sat on my bed thinking about how we'd never see each other
again :( i was like ok don't make it worse then it is :( but we talked and i told him that i really did like
him a lot and he wa slike wow i didn't know that i only thought it was a little. i was liek NO. so yeah.
that's my vacation.

i have to work like every freaking day this week which means i don't get to see travis that much. bleh.

annnnnnd...i leave for rehoboth beach w/ my bestest friend missy on saturday or sunday!!!! but trav is goin to
the beach on friday his bday to race w/ his dad! so mayb i see him der? hehehhe.


Of all the things I believed in,
I just want to get it over with.
Tears form behind my eyes, but I do not cry.
Counting the days that pass me by.
I've been searching deep down in my soul.
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old,
feels like I'm starting all over again.
The last three years were just pretend,
and I said...
Good bye to you,
good bye to everything that I knew.
You were the one I loved,
the one thing that I tried to hold on to.
I used to get lost in your eyes,
and it seems that I can't live a day without you.
Closing my eyes and you chase the thoughts away,
to a place where I am blinded by the light.
But it's not right!
Good bye to you,
good bye to everything that I knew.
You were the one I loved.
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.
And it hurts to want everything and
nothing at the same time.
I want what's yours, and I want what's mine.
I want you but I'm not giving in this time.

[[pour me somethin tall and strong
make it a hurricane,
before i go insane
it's only half-past twelve,
but i dont care. its five o'clock somewhere]]

It's certain tragedy.   
10:25pm 10/06/2003
mood: frustrated
music: Tori Amos-Cornflake Girl
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've, I've never been so alive<---

:sigh: its like 10:20, and i probably should go to sleep because im dead tired and i love my bed, lol, but of course, im not doing what im supposed to be doing. Ugh. Nick is in Arizona. How freaking random, to run with his team mates. he told me he wasn't going to be able to talk to me for like 2 months unless on the phone because there was no computer there. but ive talked to him twice online since hes been there so i guess someone brought a laptop or something :) i love talking to him. its so weird how we connect. we can not talk for like a month and then he'll IM me and we'll be like talking forever about nothing. i love it love it love it. he told me when i come visit his college i can stay with him :) yayyyyyaaaa! im excited. you have no idea lol.

<...People always take a step away
From what is true
That's why I like you around
I want you...>
you wanna know how deep my soul goes? deeper than bones..deeper than bones..   
03:33pm 08/06/2003
  it's failure by design.

You're better off without him, don't call him...
He's breaking your heart.
He's hanging with your best friend and your waiting there,
It's tearing you apart.
He lied to you a thousand times,
When I was there he kept you waiting.
And I'm still here waiting there
To catch you if you fall.
I don't know why I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all.
Finally got the nerve to tell you
How much you mean to me,
You said that I was your best friend,
A real sweet guy, but that's all I'd ever be.
And I'm still here waiting there
To catch you if you fall.
I don't know why I care so much
When I shouldn't care at all.
--The Ataris--

(This is over, when I say it's over.)
>you dont know me, dont ignore me, you dont want me there, you just shut me out   
08:40pm 13/05/2003
mood: anxious
music: Avril-Anything but ordinary
:sigh: i haven't been writing on here for like months. I just haven't had the urge to. I dunno. Anyways. My best friend has a new boyfriend, hes cute, but...I already feel him replacing me. I mean i know we've been best friends since we were 4, but every year we pretty much go to the beach together during Memorial Day weekend, and so on the phone today she was like ' well i was gonna as you but then i thought well duh i should ask my boyfriend!" i was like oh...ok. :( stupid. she'll learn, friends are forever:.

"See you and me have a better time than most can dream of, better than the best, so we can pull on through, whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down, and if nothing can be done, we'll make the best of what's around."
-Dave Matthews Band

So theres a new guy in my life. Nick, the other one...i'm starting to give up on, though hes abs. perfect :) I know if its meant to be, it will happen. ANYways, new guy..Chris; plays baseball; very cute. we've been talking like flirtatiously for about 2 weeks now. :) its fun having a new crush, the feeling of walking through the hallway and when you see him you get butterflies. or when you know he'll be somewhere, you go pass the spot so that he will see you. lol, its the damn best!

so i hope things go well with that.

i'd rather be anything but ordinary, please-avril
celebrate we will....   
08:45pm 25/03/2003
  hmmm its been a while, ive been busy busy busy. lifes a mess at the moment. too much going on, i hate itttttt :( but, ive talked to nick lately, good convo's too (but not appropriate for you all to read) lol no its not that bad but just personal stuffffff. :)

Say, my love, I came to you with best intentions
You laid down and gave to me just what I'm seeking
Say, love, you drive me to distraction

Oh, Helena, do you believe that we might last a thousand years
Or more if not for this,
Our flesh and blood
It ties you and me right up
Tie me down

Celebrate we will
Because life is short but sweet for certain
We're climbing two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot change

Change... oh, I want to change it...

Hey, Helena, you came to me like wine comes to this mouth
Grown tired of water all the time
You quench my heart and, oh, you quench my mind and say:

Celebrate we will
'Cause life is short but
Sweet for certain
We climb on two by two
To be sure these days continue
Things we cannot
Celebrate we will, you and me
Climb on two by two, to be sure
These days continue
Things we cannot change
05:56pm 05/03/2003
  haha everything prety much sucks right now!!! Outdoor track just started. wooo..ummm how about no, honestly, i CANT handle it! lol. anyways, school is alright. BEACH BASH FRI NIGHT BABY!!!!!!!!! umm anyways, i gotta bounce..peace  
when will you notice me??   
10:30pm 21/02/2003
mood: dirty
music: dashboard//for you to notice
I hate this. its not fair. why does he have to be in college an hour and fifteen minutes away from me?!! :*( you have no idea how much happier my life would be with him really in it. talking online and very rarely on the phone isn't enough. UGH. he's the one, i know it...the ONE. im serious, ill never let the chance of me and him being together get away from me or ill never live it down.

anyway, on a happier note, we talked for awhile tonight online :) for like an hour. (not like that compares to our old convos during the summer at 3 in the morning for three straight hours we'd talk)!

boys....they boggle my mind i tell ya!!!

but, gotta love em'! especially this one :)
-+-i could die for the words that you say-+-   
09:55am 21/02/2003
mood: crushed
music: dashboard//ghost of a good thing
This may be the last thing that I write for long
Can you hear me smiling when I sing this song, for you, and only you

As I leave will you be someone to say good-bye?
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye?
My foot is out the door, and you can't stop me, now

You wanted the best, it wasn't me
Will you give it back, now I'll take the lead
When there's no more room to make it grow
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive
Is this what you want
Is this what you need
How you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope
That you will miss me when I'm gone
This is the last song

The hearts start breaking as the year is gone
The dream's beginning and the time rolls on
It seems so surreal, now I sing it.
Somehow I knew that it would be this way,
Somehow I knew that it would slowly fade.
Now I'm gone, just try and stop me, now.

You wanted the best, it wasn't me
Will you give it back, now i'll take the lead
When there's no more room to make it grow
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive
Is this what you want
Is this what you need
How you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope
That you will miss me when I'm gone
This is the last song

And will you need me now
You'll find a way somehow
You want it too
I want it too

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope
That you will miss me when I'm gone
This is the last song
     Read 1 - Post
*Bored out of my MIND!!!!!!*   
10:44am 20/02/2003
  I guess it's luck, but it's the same
hard luck, you've been trying to tame
maybe it's love, but it's like you said,
"love is like a role that we play"

but, i believe in you so much
i could die for the words that you say
but, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
haunting yourself as the real thing
it's getting away from you again
while you're chasin' ghosts

just bend the pieces 'til they fit
like they were made for it
but they weren't meant for this
no, they weren't meant for this

chasin' the ghost of a good thing
haunting yourself as the real thing
it's getting away from you again
while you're chasin' ghosts.

funny how time slips away.
     Read 2 - Post
chasin' a ghost of a good thing....   
03:39pm 19/02/2003
mood: aggravated
music: TAAR//my paper heart
no schoool today. ergh. no school tomorrow! yay! lol, no not really. IM BORED AS HELL!!!!! i went to the mall today, marshalls, barnes and noble, wal-mart, and....target!!!! lol

my experience at barnes and noble was horrible! i got stuck int he parking lot! literally, stuck. they havent plowed the whole parking lot yet, so i had to waait for a half hour until someone else came and left so i could pull through their parking spot and leave! i waas SO mad. but i didnt want to go into the store and cause a scene so i just waited. the roads are a mess. its funny actually, people drive with their heads up their asses. ergh.

i bought the all american rejects cd. i'm about to go listen to it. yayah. the one exciting thing for my day!! lol

see yah later
For all of this, i'm better off with out you...   
12:47pm 18/02/2003
mood: accomplished
music: Dashboard//Hands Down
I just got finished shoveling my driveway. No, not the actual driveway, that was already finished, but the end, where the FREAKIN SNOW PLOW DUDE SHOVED ALL THE SNOW BACK when he FINALLY reached our street! It took me from 930 til 1230 to finish it! yeah. my back is sore now :( lol. Anyways, lets seeeee....we didn't have school monday, since presidents day, but we wouldn thave had it anyway because of snow, then today we had no school for snow, and tomorrow is already canceled. yes. this is great, accept they will probably make us go longer in may for the school day which bites, and we will probably be going to school until july ahhaha what crazyness. I'm eating a well deserved lunch right now. :) we have almost 2 and a 1/2 feet of snow outside. this is nuts.

do you regret all, your lonliness?
I begged you, I pleaded   
02:48pm 16/02/2003
mood: flirty
music: Dashboard//So Impossible
SOOOOOO MUCH SNOW!!!!!!!!!! crazy madnesssss!!! like we're expecting 2+ ft.!! **********************

pouring over photographs
i'm living in your letters
continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
&you won't let me sink
though i'm begging you...i'm begging you
phone calls from further away
& messages on my machine,
but i don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible

there is no need to test my heart,
with useless space
these roads go on forever
so i'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
& pushing you far away
cause i'm scared
so i'll take my chances
& head on my way up there
cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

does it comfort you to know you fought the good fight?