okay im not sure why, but in writing the last part of my entry, i got this sudden urge to tell chris everything when i see him on saturday. ( i know i wont) but just in case, i want to do a draft right now.
dear ________,
This might be the last time i see you before i leave, or ever, so as wierd as this is all going to sound, i feel like i need to tell you this. you have made such a huge impact on my life. and i know people say these things all the time, but i have never said that to anyone before. I know i dont know you that well, and the times we have talked are few, i can see you are such a good person, it is obviously who you truly are, not just an act so people will like you. it makes me want to try harded to be nicer and an overall good person. now more to the point... if it wasnt for you, i wouldnt be where i am in my life right now. the first show i ever saw was a melee show, and before that night i have never heard the name chris cron or of melee before, and i didnt even like something corporate, i just got dragged there. i remember watching you on stage and just thinking wow, theyre amazing and wow, the singer is really talanted. and then later seeing some cute guy upstairs and talking to him, and after only a few minutes being able to see what a genuinly good person he was. only later when i went to buy the cd (and have it autographed, it was my first show ever, i didnt realize that you guys were always around at shows and it WASNT a once in a life time opportunity) that the down to earth nice guy and this rockstar (who stagedove onto a bunch of girls) were really the same person. i remember what you were wearing that night and almost everything you said. my biggest regret to date, is not going with you that night when you wanted to go get something to eat, cuz who knows what would have happened. maybe youd be with me now instead of her. anyways, i remember almost every thing youve ever said to me, wow im pathetic. okay. so ive alwways been interested in music, but never though persuing a career in that industry was feasible. i would not be pursuing it now, if i hadnt met you. dont get me wrong, im not chosing this career for you. im doing it for me. but you would talk to me for hours on the computer, about how i could get into it, what kind of specific careers would be good, that i should do an internship and how to find out. just help from someone who knows more than me about the business. i know that i probably wasnt your first choice person to be talking to, i know you probably would have rather been doing something else, but you still talked to me, for hours at a time, and it may not seem like much to you, but in those talks i have found out things about myself, and you have made me think about things i wouldnt have necessarily thought about before. i firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and although you did not end up being my prince charming, (like i had originally hoped) you have helped me to find myself and aim for things my practical mind would have never thought possible before meeting you.
signed, _________________
so i was just in my room packing for mammoth. i accidentally dropped a fram and the glass broke. i cant remember the last time i broke anything glass. and ive never dropped or broken a frame.
the picture in the frame i broke was the only framed picture of me and sara.
blahconsidering how upsetting last night was, today was good. well i guess last night ended fairly well. i got the email from revelation saying they would let me work there, and Brad from nitro also gave me a spark of hope by saing to give him a call. i called him, he never called me back. so i called revelation records just asking if i could come in and meet them and see the place, cuz i figured if they want me, it must be too good to be true. so i went. from the second i pulled up i had a feeling it was better than i gave it credit for. all the cars parked out front were pretty crappy, but every single one had stickers of bands on the windows and stuff. always a good sign. the lady that showed me around was vique, she was from london, she was pretty cool. very laid back. the place was small and pretty low key, but there were band poster and stickers all over the walls and even the cabinets. there were 10 or so people working there, only two of which were girls and only one was cute (of the guys). but it doesnt matter. im so excited. i really hope this works out. its going to be great. im going to be working with publicity. i am going to be finding articles on the different bands in magazines and copying them, taking apart press packages or something also like calling record stores to see if they have the bands cds and soemthing about venues or other bands or something with tours, i dont remember, but when she was telling me what i wo uld be doing as an intern, i couldnt help but smile. i cant wait. i hope this summer is good.
contentMusic means many different things to many different people. it can be entertainment, consolement, a passion, a social group, or even a career. I can confidently say that all of those apply to myself. i am going to be a freshman at the university of arizona next year, and i will be double majoring in music and psychology. i am also going to be taking a music appreciation class at saddleback college this summer in the evenings. i am a very goal oriented person, and once i set my mind to something, my reason for exsistance becomes achieving that goal. the goal i have set for myself is to become somehow involved in the music bussiness as a career, there are so many directions i can go with such a broad topic, but i decided that until i have more experience i will leave that end of the goal open. my favorite thing to do in life is watch bands perform live. i go to shows as often as i can, and i have become especially partial to the local indie bands. many of the bands that i have liked over the years have gone on to become large acts that are played on mtv and the radio. to be honest, i have no idea what i am going to be expected to do as an intern, but to be honest, i dont care. i dont mind if all i do is file papers all day, i just want any experience that i can get in this business. i also know that this is a very important first step towards achieving my goal. ill finish in a bit if this caffeine i just drank gives me the second wind i am hoping for.
determinedI dont think that there is any way for you, at fearless records to decide if i will be good for the job of an intern without knowing how hard i am willing to work. and there is no way to know how hard i am willing to work if you cant see that i am motivated or in this case, how motivated i really am. but anyone can say they are motivated and willing to work hard to gain experience in the music business. so, to make you see that i truly am, i am going to give you a briefing on why i want this internship more than everyone else emailing you saying the same things. I;ve always loved music. from my first cd in 3rd grade (the beatles revolver) up to the present, i have always felt that music was a huge aspect of my life. but it wasnt until my first show last year that this was all solidified. now this first concert was an important night in my life, not only because it was the first time i had seen bands play live, but also because i met someone who further sparked my intrest in music, not only as a hobbie but as a career. when i say met someone, most would automatically assume that i met some boy that i fell for and am now doing this because of him. which is lightyears from the truth. i am doing this all because of me, and this boy that i met, chris cron, the front man for a band called melee, is not like that to me, not a rockstar, but an amazing person and musician who has become sort of a mentor to me. i told him i wanted to try to get an internship this summer, i said it just thinking outloud, but never would have actually persued it, just because i would never actaully thought it was possible to get one. he encouraged me anyhow. okay this is too pathetic. i must stop. NOW
determinedhaha i swear im like bi polar or soemthing. like 20 minutes ago i couldnt stop crying, and now im like in an actual good mood. ill get back at next commercial... its the ataris concert on channel 3! okay its over... anyways so today was fairly busy. after saddleback class i went to the mall with vanessa and then to saras. when i got to saras we went to go get dinner. baja. so we talked a lot about college and stuff since we were both there this weekend. erics coming for sure. hes living with her. and her old best friend from third grade. yeah shes coming too. shes living wiht her too. everything is going perfectly for her. im happy for her. but why cant even one thing go right for me? its not fair. and i know life isnt fair, blah blah blah. but still. i dont need everything, i just want something. anything. im desperate for happiness right about now. so basically she didnt seem to care if were friends or not when we get to college. shes like yeah i hope my sister and her friends will let me hang out with them once i get there for the first few weeks while i dont have friends yet... and all this stuff. and ill be there... hello!! what about me, what about us being friends??!?!?! oh wait i forgot she doesnt care. i kind of always believed that we would go back to normal eventually. once they broke up things would be fine again. but its for real now. hes going to arizona just to be with her. they are living together. this is the big time now. i cant believe it. things have changed forever... and its just going to keep going. i couldnt hangle it. i just broke down. i cried all the way home. i cried once i got home. i dont know how to handle all this change. especailly without a best friend. she has him. i have no one. can you see why i was t hinking i hate life? so i was going to get on here to update and start writing my resume and essay for fearless records, but i decided to check my email to see if anyone else emailed me back yet. there were 3 new ones. the first was from a guy i had heard from once, he said to call him, first he said sorry but no. then i emailed back saying that i was parttially enrolled in college if that changes anything, he said to call him and well figure it out. the next one said, we love interns call me the week before you want to start coming in. too easy? yeah sounds like it. nothing in my life is ever that easy. the last one said call me to set up an interview. better than the first batch of responses. indeed. so that cheered me up. thank you god. i really needed that right then. im going to wrap up this session but going to start my fearless essay. talk soon.
discontentsooo i went up to u of a (my school beginning in august) for friday and saturday with my dad. i had already been, but i kept saying i didnt want to go there, so he started to worry and wanted to take me again i guess hoping ill change my mind and want to go there. im more excited now. the dorms i saw were better and the music building was huge and seemed to have a lot going on. when we were walking through the building i saw all of these interesting looking people wiht shirts of all these different bands like the clash and stuff and i was just thinking omg im going to get to be around these kinds of people all the time... yay! im soo sick of the people i am forced to associate with now. i know a lot of the music/ band people have different styles and look a little strage... but that just makes me like them more. they look like i feel. i just cant wait till i can be around people that wont decide if they like me or not based on how i look. well actually i dont know. i might be thinking too optimistically... with my luck they wont like me cuz i look too normal or something. im a lot more excited for college now. but im still scared. i have barely talked to sara for the last like month or so. i wish we were still better friends. especially now since im not really talking to cassandra anymore cuz of the whole hawaii trip fiasco. which knowing cassandra will be permanent, cuz when she hates, its forever. i want to try and fix it but im scared shes going to like verbally abuse me, and normally i would just lash out right back, but i dont want to say anything mean to her, especially if i dont mean it, so im just goign to keep my distance, for now anyways. but yeah im missing when me and sara were friends, and i want to talk to her abt how much it bothers me that were like no friends so much anymore cuz shes always with eric. but i hate sounding whiny/ needy... so i dont know what to do. HELP ME!! so yeah out of my 3 bests the only one i have right now is vanessa. what i love abt her is that shes the only one thats consistant. i mean if it was up to her i have no doubt we would have been best all the way through hs since i met her. it has been my fault with her, but sara... not at all. ive just gotten shafted for a boy. life sucks huh? i was telling brian abt u of a today and he said that he will come visit me when they play in az :) ill bring a friend and go see them play or something. but yeah that will be fun. and their gym is really nice there too. they have an indoor track, swimming pool... all the reg equpiment and classes and stuff. oh yeah, so the other brian (not klemm) came down for cpslo this weekend and we were supposed to hang out last night. and we did but like not really. when i got home andrew wanted me to come over and he said brian was too so i showered and went over there. when i got there it was just him and brian we just kinda hung out and talked. then these little girls came and we were all going to go ice blocking. but then brandon calls (who is like the only person i hate by the way) and andwer, knowing that i hate him, invites him over. but keeps telling me that he was kidding and brandon isnt really coming, he gets there... so im walking out to leave and then daryl drives up with his friend that looks like shawn grady. so of course i cant leave. cuz i mean its daryl. the guy i havent been able to get over since 6th grade summer. everytime i see him i just think wow. he is so hott. wow. haha i dont know why i self-handicapped things with him so many times. oh well... i guess its too late now. he said next to nothing to me last night. i talked to matt a little brian almost none and andrew a little. daryl and grady look alike and brandon and matt were going to go like yell at nerds at some geek cafe and brian and andrew were going to go be petafiles and ice block with little girls. i was supposed to go, i said i had to go home to change, but i just stayed at home. its wierd. everytime i see daryl... i always wonder if its the last time, ever. cuz if it was i would tell him, i dont know, exactly. but i dont think he has any idea that ive always thought of his as more than some guy i knew in 6th grade. maybe he does know. i guess ill never be sure.
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