As Stars Align's Journal

Monday, November 13, 2006

6:45AM - more brainstorming (personal statement)

So lets start from the beginning, the first career I ever claimed for myself was a lawyer. I am sure this is not a typical response from a five year old girl, however, just like every other five year old girl, I thought the world of my father. My father, as i am sure you have deduced, was a lawyer. At the time I was completely unaware of what being a lawyer entailed, however, if it was a good idea for dad, it was good for me as well. As I grew up, I was exposed to many different areas of study, and along the way changed my path several times. Yet, here i am seventeen years later, once again stating with complete conviction, I want to be a lawyer.

It is undeniable that my father played a decidedly large role in my interest in law. For as long as I can remember, my father has been teaching me about the law. Much of it was unintentional, im sure, but over the years it has stuck with me, accumulating a foundation of knoweldge about the law and criminal justice system.

I dont know what to write, I dont want this to sound like i am bragging about my dad, or trying to use him to impress them. I am sincerely trying to explain why i want to be a lawyer and want to go to law school.

This limited knoweldge of the law has encouraged/aided/facilitated my development of passion for it. The first time I can remember being inside of a courtroom was sixth grade, it was my father's courtroom. It was his swearing in ceremony, as a municipal court judge. from this point on, I spent a lot of time in courtrooms mainly my father's watching everything from arraignments and jury selection to drug court and jury trials. I found every aspect of the process to be fascinating, I could not stop asking questions, trying to figure out everyone's job and how everything works. I have been to several drug court conferences with my dad. I have taken courses in criminology, juvenile delinquency, criminal justice as well as completed an internship at the public defenders office as a means of satisfying my curiousity of the law and deciding if law is the right career for me. I feel as though my internship as the public defender's office is the most valuable experience I have had throughout the entirety of my education. I learned not only a great deal about the law, the system and more exactly what an attorney does, but most importantly that I feel confident that I am not only capible of doing this career, but I am capible of loving this career.

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1:51AM - Brainstorm # one

I remember I used to write in this damn thing just about every day. It was about that time that I thought everything that happened was worth writing/talking about, and I usually did. A lot has changed in the past few years, aside from the fact that I am happier and weigh about twenty pounds less, I have a wonderful boyfriend, an adorable puppy, I've moved several times, and actually figured out what I would like to do with my life. I want to go to law school. Anyone that knew me in high school or prior to college I should say, would not be that suprised about this, but, well actually no one seemed that suprised about it, but I haven't discussed it much with anyone other than Geoff and my dad. My dad was the first person I really discussed it with because he is the one who can not only relate to me the most, but also knows the most about law school and the law in general. I am scared about going to Law school. I havent ever said that out loud, and I doubt i ever will. you see, verbalizing something like fear makes it seem more real, and in a completely illogical way, I feel like I am jinxing myself into failure. Having my father who as far as I can tell (by my standards), has done so well, and done so much, I feel like I have a lot to live up to. I am not saying I can't, but I am not sure I will, I wish I knew what the future was going to bring. I wish I knew if I can and will have kids, I feel like if I am going to have a family, law school is kind of a waste of my time and money, why would I go to school for the next three to four years, and then quit to have kids? Even if Geoff and I have plenty of money, it seems like it is wasting my time and effort. I don't like saying that, I want to be educated, I want to work, I want to make something of myself, which is why the older I get, the less I want children. which is wierd I have always loved children and always wanted a family, I don't know if i am getting more selfish as I age or just more cynical, but a family does not seem like it is a definite thing anymore. So, why do I want to go to law school? why do I want to be a lawyer? my first response sounds somewhat apathetic, but, it is not meant that way. I just cannot think of anything else I would want to do. that could be taken in more than one way, but I just mean, throughout my life, I have been exposed to many things, art, history, science, journalism, academia in general, which is filled with some many possibilities, and after being exposed to and cosidered so many other possibilities, being a lawyer is the only thing that seems to make sense to me. I have talked about being a lawyer since I was very young, mainly because that is what my dad was, and I just like every other child at some point, wanted to be just like dad. I later went through a phase where I wanted to be nothing like my parents, nothing like my previous type A self. this is when I found art, specifically photography. considering the fact that I had always been a math and science, afraid of creativity type of person, this is the best thing that could have happened to me. I found a whole other side of myself, that I was never previously aware of. As an art student I have been exposed to many things, that I never would have otherwised experienced. I have learned to think in a unique way that allows me to see both sides of everything. I feel like art has completed me as a well rounded person. I have become more understanding and accepting of others, even those that I would not have been able to relate to before. It has taught me to form my own opinions about everything and that I am just as capible (qualified, worthy) as anyone else to voice those opinions.

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Tuesday, October 7, 2003

9:10PM

yo desperto a las nueve y media de la manana. despues me ducho y me cepillo. Entonces yo fin mi tarea. a las once menos viente salgo para mi clase de espanol. a las doce menos diez salgo la clase de espanol. despues almmuerzo con mi amiga mejor sara. a la uno de la tarde voy a la clase de ingles. despues voy a la clase diplomatico. a las cuatro de la tarde voy al gimnasio. Entonces me ducho. como la cena a las seis y media por la noche. Hago mi tarea. Entonces me cepillo y me bano mi cara. Por ultimo me acuesto. En el fin de semana no voy a la clase. Tambien me acuesto de retraso.

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Wednesday, September 3, 2003

10:51PM

i dont want to let go of anything else. ever. today was wierd kind of. i came home for lunch with sara, and marlon was on the computer. he never signs on. ive missed talking to him, not that i talk to him a lot ever. but hes so peculiar i dont know how to spell it. but he fascinates me, in a way no one else does. i told him that, i think in a way i am too honest. i shouldnt have told him a lot of what i did. nothing big i was just commending his taste in literature and i said he fascinated me because he likes things that no one else ive ever met. i dont want to let him go. not yet. i like my ideals of marlon. i just want to cling to something that was there a month or two ago. i miss california, but not in a homesick way, i just liked the people there better i think. people here are dull. in a not stuck up way. so i talked to marlon at lunch and he told me today was his last day on the interweb and i told him i was sad because i was already starved enough as it is for interesting convorsation, and with him permanently gone, it would be even worse. then at like four i went over to the music building to talk to the careers in music professor, to see if i could come sit in on a few classes. no one was in the room by the time i found it, but i was not ready to go back to the dorm. for some reason, i just didnt feel like being me today. i dont know why, i like me, but just sometimes, i dont feel like being in my own skin. so i was sitting on a bench, reading twelve, and i saw this guy walk by, he was kind of cute and we kept looking at eachother, but he was talking to a guy he walked outside, finished his convo, then talked on the phone for a minute, then he came back inside to talk to me. i thought he was very interesting... and while he was psychologically analyzing the greek community, and organized religion i was listening and in my head smiling and thinking, wow what good timing to find someone interesting... the day i lose marlon. for some reason i was so immediately intimidated, and could not find the words to say anything back to him, or the things that came into my mind, i decided not to say out loud. i thought first for once, and was unable to participate in convorsation. i wanted to ask if he really believed what he was saying, about looks clothes and popularity being a bad thing, why was he talking to me, cuz i dont know why he would approach me if he didnt think i was pretty. but i didnt know how that would go over with him, so i kept my mouth shut. he said he would see me around the music buliding, but i doubt he will. i think sometimes i might just go hang out there because it has a better feeling than all the other buildings, and i will meet music people there, which is what ive always wanted. im kind of disappointed with college, i thought i would meet people more like me, and i would get to take fun classes, but i had to drop the only class i was excited for. and no one is like me. the ones i htink are dont want anyting to do with me, i still dont understand why, im nice. i guess boring. i never thought i was, but i dont know what else it could be. people tell me im smart and pretty and i hear it enough that they cant all be lying, guys rarely tell me im pretty its usually girls. maybe its because im not blonde. guys seem to like blondes better. i dont care though, im not going blonde i refuse, i like brown, its for me. im it such a sad mood. i dont want to let go of marlon, but i feel like i have no choice. i odnt like it. i feel like im missing out on so much at home. he said to email him, but im not gonna. david will see that i did, and for somereason, i dont know hwy that bothers me. no one gets why but it just does. im not letting go. i had to let go of chris, and david and brian and cassandra, and i dont want to let marlon go. he doesnt have to like me, i just want him to like talking to me, and he seems to kind of because i always win him over he can only talk to one person at a time, and by the end i usually have it be me. so thats good, but he didnt seem to care that he wasnt ever going to talk to me again. earlier i told him to sign on later and he did, and when he was going he said if it worked tomorrow he would get on again. and even if he does sign on theres a good chance i will be gone. i hope not. i dont know why im so upset by this. a person can only handle losing so much at one time, i lost my family the brants, frineds my city my house my state my puppy, my bands my work my music sceen, my whole bubble. i dont like it. and i cant handle losing him too. hes my ideal, of intrigue. matts my ideal of nice guys. i dont want to let him go either, he plays the guitar and hes nice, and from what i hear either asexual or gay. i hope theyre wrong, and i hope we go to the parties so i can see him again. i like ideals. thats what sucks about growing up, i hate letting go of ideals. i really dont want to, but i feel like i have no choice and it sucks. im going to go in the other room and read.

Current mood: somber
Current music: hese the final death of an old sun...
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2:32AM

i have kind of a lot i want to talk about now... i like college, how much i like it depends on how many new people i talk to that day, i met a lot today kinda. and i love lindsey (giblin not myself) i think things are working out well. i talked to my dad this evening, and he said vkvs losing five of their members, and i was so sad, cuz i dont want them to break up. i was upset for awhile, then david signed on a little later, and he imed me first (woah) and we were talking about labels and stuff and how we both wanted to start one and hes like oh we should do it together, and i concured. and he said that theyre staying together and theyre losing four members. and marlons staying, and thats all that matters, i like david, hes a cool guy, but the band would be nothing without marlon. hes the most interesting person ever. i like him so much. but not like that. i saw matt (who i am gonna marry, from the starranch party) today and now i love him even more because he was walking around with a guitar case. hes perfect. nicest guy ever soo hott (in my opinion) smart, and music too?? he must be flawed elisa must be right, he must not be into girls. i think im getting woosey i had some, i dont know how much alcohol earlier, lindsey and shane said it would help me sleep, but i cant. shane just left like 10 minutes ago, but im not even tired. i have class at 11, i have a quiz, i hope i do okay, i didnt study, but its like stuff ive been doing since 7th grade so i hope im okay. toms my favorite person in that class. and weezer boy with a fat girlfriend. hes fun too. oh and theres this guy names matt, whos like the boy version of me. we were in the same group today, and he was SO much fun. i like me haha. but i like tom the best cuz hes pretty cute and hes quite, and i like quite people. they intrigue me. i was about to say opposites attract, but they dont like me i just like them. this used to depress me, but for some reason im now okay that no guys i like like me. i still like james a lot that was in my music class for the one day i was in it. im looking cute when i go over there to talk to the teacher tomorrow. cuz i liked him and the guy in front of me that i didnt talk to. that guy was effing hott man. anywyas, and today i had lunch with sara who was bothering me cuz shes always kinda gay when things with her and eric are good, and she said they did it 3 times in one night the night he came back and again in the morning. i wish she wouldnt tlel me about that stuff with other people its not wierd, but with her it freaks me out for some reason. but yeah so she had class and i was going to go to the bookstore just to look cuz ive seen people wearing those comfy skirts that are from u of a and i wanted to get one, but on the way there i saw brenden (one of joshes friends) and two other guys, i think the one from huntington was named matt or david maybe?... and i hung out with them for like an hour, we played hangman in a classroom in the chem building. it was kinda fun, brenden was really nice still, he reminds me of brian weed, and matt or derek or whatever his name is was my favorite, partially because he was from huntington, but i told him my room # and stuff, i dunno if ill seem him again though. then, i started thinking about new york david again today, i want to call him, but its been long enough, that he might not remember me, and i dont know what to say... ive got nothing besides edgefest and theres still awhile till that. i gues i could say our car is filling up, and i was wondering if i need to save him a spot or not. thats good. i think i might do it cuz he was so hott. and i always look bad w hen i see him. damnit. then we played with hunt again, and i thought he might have been into one of us, but some lizzie girl kept calling him during class so i was obviously wrong. josh stopped calling. (oh dear) haha. i saw him outside of our dorm last night when linds and i were going somewhere but i didnt say anything and he knew i saw him. i talked to chris the other night, he asked if i still wanted lessons, damn him for getting around to it too late. its better this way though, because i neever would have gotten over him any other wya. i spent a year of my life in love with him, and got nowhere, that was long enough. im going to do the same with matt. hes going to break my heart, or never give me the time of day, and cant tell which yet, but im open to exploration. but yeah he was nice. i still think hes a good guy, i dont think i want to let go of that, just because he, matt and brian are the only truly nice guys i can think of. shanes really nice too. i cant think of any others. thats kind of depressing. i cant think of a lot of good people in general, thats why raok's excite me soo soo much. oh okay so lindsey and i did laundry (it was my frist time) and we this card game (cant remember what its called right now) and every person that walked in *all coincidently were guys* i asked if they wanted to play too. the first one was nice, but i cant rememeber if i asked and he declined or i didnt ask because he was done, the second one mark or mike i cant remember was cute, and said he would be back and the third one was totally interested, but we were already in a game, sooooo he didnt play, but he sat down and cute one came back and sat down by us too. and like we started talking about looks and okay, this convorsation kind of bothered me. he was saying (cute mike or mark) that people always care what you look like and get ready and stuff and lindsey and i started laughing saying people dont care what you look like here. and they told us that there is no way that is true. and hes like yeah potential friends and mates or i dont know what else to call them, were everywhere, and they all are judging you based on how you look and how you are dressed. i didnt like that he said that. i wear like band shirts and pajama shorts to class... so i guess it kind of offended me, saying that if i tried harder more people would like me, or poeple dont like me cuz i dont try hard enough. i dont know if there is much of a distance between those two statements. anyway so he said he was from norcal, so i asked if he liked kgb. hes like thats so random ive never met anyone else that knows them, blah blah blah, and so we started talking about other stuff, and i asked if indie rock was his thing, he said yes so i got excited and almost peed like a little puppy. and so we talked about other bands and i told him how i worked at a label, and then he finally asked my name, and told me his, like he didnt care until this point. which kind of bothered me, but kind of cool that i got him to the point of caring too. so then i told him about edgefest and how sara and i were going and we had an empty car, and hes like is that an invatation i said if he wanted to get a ticket, he was welcome to come, and he was like id love to, and i told him where i got it and price and stuff, so then i gave him my number, and well see what happens. he was pretty cute, but he said hella, which i HATE that and yall i hate those two words more than any others. ycuk. he had piercing and stuff which i like. no tats. oh and when i was walking home todya, i saw the hottest guy sitting out on the steps of the hopi dorm or something and we kept looking at each other and kinda smiling a little more each time we made eye contact, the finally i said hi, and he smiled and said hi too. i wish i would have stopped. dude he was hott. im goign to try to sleep i have an 11 oclock class tomorrow and i need to go early for help. goodnight. i wish i knew david better. i always hope well start talking more. i imed him at lunch and he said nothing to me, so maybe thats why he imed me later? then he imed me again and just said he was going to sleep and maybe tlak tomorrow, i wanna hear the story, on this girl abroad, i dunno if its a girlfriend or intrest dad didnt know, but i wanna hear. i doubt ill get it out of him. but hey its worth a try. i wish marlon would just effing sign on, im having withdrawls, i havent met anyone as interesting as him, ever. i thought i would meet more interesting people in college, and i havent really. its just fun to talk to people the first couple times till they get boring. i like lindsye a lot more than i thought i would.s hes so much fun. dude marlon com eto me. his mind is amazing. i hope hes not like cassandra... like acting one way like oh i have no feelings but really does, or oh i dont care but hten actually do. i dont think he is, i would cry if i found out he was. i want to know him more.

Current mood: blank
Current music: EatingSnowFlakesWithPlasticForksAndAPaperPlateOfCourse...
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Sunday, August 31, 2003

8:28PM

the fourth of july flashes leave me blind over the ringing in my ears i hear spounds i know that i have heard befopre and will hear again things were easier yesterday while we made our plans i stood there waiting lost in thoughts contemplating just over the ________ breaks the haze and heres the final death of an old sun all the sky cant hold these stars they fall back to the ground breaking up the atmosphere im watching cuz i can things were easier yesterday while we made our plans i stood there waiting lost in thoughts contemplating just over the red ________ breaks the haze and heres the final death of an old sun.

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Monday, July 28, 2003

12:54AM

i dont know where to begin. tonight was bad. but before i explain all that. after sara came back over and we watched friends i guess to keep from talking about bad/sad stuff, cuz i would have without a distraction, but while we were i kept looking at myself in a mirror. everytime i look at myself, not just tonight but everytime, i feel like im looking at a stranger. i dont really know how to explain it, but like you know the first time you meet a person, they look one way, and then once you get to know them well you see them completely differently? well i never get used to how i look. everytime i see myself, i feel like i have never seen me before. i wonder if that makes me crazy, or if other people (who are sane) think that way too. i asked sara and she said no, she said its only happened once, and it was just a picture of her or something. i just feel different than i look, and inbetween the times i look in the mirror, i forget what i look like, which is strange, because i have a good memory when it comes to faces. i think that is why i always like dorky people or just strange/different people the best. thats how i feel. always. the thing that is bad about that, that i am reminded of everytime i look in the mirror, is that i dont look like them, so they immediately write me off. im not sure why though, i know i dont look like the people i usually tend to favor, but at the same time, im nothing extravagant either. nothing intimidating, (unless im in a mean mood, but thats a different story) i dont know, i guess im just bitter, cuz it happens everytime. i dont know when the last time i wrote is, so im not sure if i already talked about this, but the other day, i randomally got excited about college. which is really good. it was when i really decided, that i didnt like david, cuz i kept kinda having a thing for him, then hating, then back to being an idiot, and the other day, i decided for reals that i realllllly didnt like him, i was like, okay now there really isnt anything here for me. cuz i let go of the brian thing a long time ago, like back in april, when i went to dtd that one time, and chris has been progressively, but it was forsure at the prom, then david had been this fleeting thing, and marlon i had my stupid little girl crush on. but then somehow it switched, and i had forgotten about marlon and it was david i couldnt stop thinking about, granted, the majority of the thoughts were bad. but still i know myself well enought to know that if i cant stop thinking about a guy, good or bad, it means i have a thing, otherwise i wouldnt care enough to hate them, apathy is how i take care of those people. anyways so like last saturday or something, i deleted david on friendster, and the other day i took him off my buddy list (i just added him back though, i wanted to see if he got on tonight.) anyways so tonight. i was pretty lucky, i told sara before to help me watch out for david, and to help me avoid him at all costs. and it turns out he wasnt around like he normally is, i didnt even see him till he was on stage, sadly enough the same was true for marlon, or billy, haha i still dont know what to call him. anyways so they played well, i think they both saw me from stage but im not sure, we were pretty close up, and right in front of david (unintentionally, just the closest open seats i could find) and the first part marlon had glasses on for, so im not sure... but towards the end, when david was doing nothing (as usual) he was looking around the crowd, and when he saw me he seemed to stop, and i could xswear he saw me and looked back once or twice (not sure though) and then marlon was talking inbetween songs (after the glasses came off) and he was looking around the crowd as he talked to take up time between somgs, and his eyes stopped on me, and stayed there awhile then he kept looking and they kept stopping on me, like 3 or so times. not sure about that one either, it just seemed like it. i could always tell with chris, but i just felt like i was on the same wavelength as chris, i knew a lot of things without him having to tell me. anyways so when they were done sara and i almost left, but then we stopped cuz we saw her augustair guy and she told me to turn around to look at something the next band i think, and david was right behind me, so i turned back around, i wasnt sure if he saw me, it was dark and it didnt look like he saw or recognized me. but a second later, i thought i heard my name, but i was talking to sara, so i didnt stop. then i felt a tap on my shoulder, and people always tap me on the opposite side, and confuse me, so i look to the opposite side first, and no one so i look to the side i was tapped on and there he was. i forget what he said, something like did it sound okay and i said yeah and turned around, then he said something about it sounding wierd, but i was already turned around, so sara stepped in and was like oh no i really liked it or something. ive never seen sara do that before. haha it was surreal. so we continue standing there, mainly because i wanted to talk to marlon one last time before i went to college, and he was across from us. i was facing him, and saras back was to him facing me and we were talking, and i looked over at him randomally, and he and the guy he was talking to were looking over in my general direction, when i looked up he smiled, so i waved, and started to walk up to him, but he kept talking to the guy, so i waited a minute or so, then i backed up and sara stood standing there, he talked to the guy for a while longer, then without turning to see if i was still there, he got up and walked away. ouch. he reallllly didnt want to talk to me. normally he comes up to me, i dont think ive ever been to a show where he hasnt talked to me, and i thought i looked better tonight than i normally do, and he will talk to anyone, seriosuly. ive seen some of the random people he has just started talking to. so that was a pretty low blow. so sara stayed for awhile and we watched friends... which always makes me feel better, then i got on the computer once she left and brian was on, and i was happy cuz we havent talked in awhile, but hes left me a few messages recently. so we talked and i told him i had a bad night, and hes like do you want me to beat someone up for you and he made me feel better, and i didnt even have to explain anything, cuz he was like tell uncle brian whats wrong, and that kinda freaked me out cuz i liked him for so long, so i told him that i used to like him and calling us anything related is bad cuz of that, so he said okay how bout we go get married in vegas? i told him i wouild but for two weeks after everytime he sees me, he doesnt talk to me, so i don think it would work out. he denied repeatedly... i told him i wasnt looking for an explanation, ive just accepted the fact that he will always remain a mystery to me. he said he wants to hang out before i leave, hes done the 10th so that gives us like 9 days to hang out. i would be excited, but i know we wont, hes done this many many times, and every time ive gotten excited, and every time ive been disappointed when we didnt see eachother. but i have learned, i know better now. before i would always think well maybe this time is different, but im not going to be that stupid girl anymore. i know its not different, thats just how he is... and i know he doesnt really care about seeing me, we talk on the computer when no one better is on, thats all i am to him, and im okay with that, i guess. he entertains me too, and im over him now, im not his type, so liking him is a waste of my time. every guy ive liked in the past year (literally) has ended up being a waste of my time, out of about 6, only one of them really liked me, and he was the only one i ddint like, plus he was kind of old for me anyways. but chris, brian, derek, david and marlon were all incredible let downs. and i just looked at the vkv guestbook and marlon posted, which he never does and at the end the very last thing he says is hi ashley. damn me and my bad luck. i just dont want to be alone anymore.

Current mood: lonely
Current music: "ICouldTellFromTheMinuteIWokeUpItWasGonnaBeALonelyDay..."
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Saturday, July 26, 2003

2:49AM

you know, people disappoint me all the time. i wish, that for once, i could be pleasently suprised, instead of let down.

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Saturday, July 19, 2003

10:50PM

k i just went into friendster and deleted david off my friends list. i wonder if it sends him a notification, or if it just wont show me anymore on his list. if it doesnt notify him, i doubt he will even notice. i dont really care if he does. if he doesnt, its prolly better cuz i dont know it just is. but the stupid thing notifies you about everything, so theres a good chance it will. im sick of him, ive been right about him being an asshole all along. he has this bullshit holier than thou attitude and the times ive talked to him hes acted like im lucky HES talking to ME. hah. in his freaking wet dreams. he looks like his dad. if you had seen his dad you would know what i mean. oh that was mean. but im venting. i hate people like him, i dont know why i gave him so many chances. he didnt even really deserve one after that awful first impression he gave me. i know im usually wrong abt first impressions, thats why i always give people chances. but this time i was dead on. maybe im finally developing a sense about these things. or maybe hes just dumb enough to be that obvious. i mean come on who is that lame that needs to be in a band just for attention. he doesnt even do anything, just like keeps him guitar tuned so if the other (good) guitar player needs a new guitar, he will have one ready, they should just call david guitar tech, not part of the band. haha its so pathetic, i cant help but laugh. haha. the next thing i would like to mock, is the fact he likes chick bands, but brian likes play, so i cant without insulting brian, which i dont want to do. hes a good guy. sooooo im done, other than the fact hes 21 and spells as well as my 14 year old semi retarded brother. soo pathetic. and you know how impatient i am with stupid peopple. well ive lost my patients. i deleted him. YAY :)

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Friday, July 18, 2003

11:11PM

exhale. okay, i havent updated in awhile. ive been almost too overwhelmed to write. there has been so much going on inside my head, that i dont know what to talk aboutl. of course the pathetic boy situation, if you could even call it that, is usually on the top of the list, but this week i dont think it really makes the cut. so last time i wrote was my nervous breakdown about leaving. its not leaving that bothers me, its how soon im leaving that i hate. its funny cuz in the last one i was saying how i wanted to talk to david about it... well that feeling never went away. but i didnt see him online for awhile, so i friendster messaged him. at like 430 in the morning on wednessday i think it was. i must have been delirous. honestly dont even care about it, so im not like embarrassed. but i dont remember why i did that. i was tired, and i have felt borderline sick since i got my thing removed. so i went to lunch with allison and her friend on tuesday. it was akward, and the friend was a perfect cookie cutter image of one of the sorority sisters from legally blonde. she was super nice, super blonde, and super dumb. i dont want to be one of those girls. i havent heard fromt he piano teacher in awhile. i dont know if that means bad things or not about my piano class. so tonight i went to dinner and the movies at the spectrum with sara. its nice to have a friend that knows me so well.. when we were sitting at dinner i was kinda quiet and she made me talk, which is good, cuz other than small comments i havent said a lot of this stuff about arizona out loud. it doesnt make the situation better, but i feel better, and i didnt even have to get david involved :) so basically today i came to the conclusion, that there isnt anything for me here, and i think im clinging to these ideals of chris, brian, marlon and david are just small hopes that i can trick myself into believing that i do have something for me here, when in reality, i have no excuse not to go to arizona, cuz its not taking me away from anything of great significance. i talked to the roomate i dont know the other day her name is alexis she seems nice, but very typical santa margarita. i need to just let go of everything, i think im just looking for reasons to be unhappy, but in reality, im actually very lucky, i could have it so much worse. thank you for what i do have. i wish everyone in the world could be as lucky as me. (no sarcasm in that at all)

Current mood: content
Current music: chasing the ghost of a good thing...
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Monday, July 14, 2003

8:33AM

my dad just called, i cant remember why now, but i asked him what to do about allison cuz she never called. and he said i needed to call her. he wants me to ask her about what clothes i need if i rush and stuff, then i asked if i decide not to rush, when would we go over he said still the 20th. he started getting all mad at me. i said bye and hung up. went back to my room, and havent been able to stop crying ever since. not cuz he got mad at me, i dont wanna go. and you know what? when i sat down at the computer to write this, cuz i need to get it off my mind, i immediately checked for david. and i started thinking i wanted to talk to him about it. i dont think i couold get any crazier. but hes been through it and i just wanted to ask him if it was hard for him to go too. and see what it was like, cuz all the people i know that are older than me that ive been friends with havent gone away to school. and david did, i know he came back but still he did the freshman year thing which seems to be the hardest part. i need to stop crying so i can get ready. im going to go think about something else. oh by the way RIGHT after i had that thought about david, i checked my list and he was on. but had an away message up. damnit.

Current mood: quixotic
Current music: I need you like water in my lungs...
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Saturday, July 12, 2003

10:16PM

so nothing really to talk about, but i dont really have anything better to do to be honest. In a way, i miss how much i used to write because, after awhile of doing so, it helped me to become a much better writer. even tom the genius said i was pretty good at it. so my goal, for now anyway, is to write more, so i can stop sounding incompetent when i speak. also i do word of the day now :) i have failed to use any of them though. so yesterday was warped tour. not much to tell. i insulted rick and isreal simultaneously. i felt kind of bad because not long after, i watched them play, and they did a fantastic job. i wanted to find rick and say something to the effect of "sorry for talking shit on your ep, you guys did an amazing job today and you didnt deserve that." but ryan was the only one i saw, and he coincidently was the only one i didnt insult. so while im debating with rick and isreal chris walks up. we say hi he gives me a hug. i dont think he really wanted to be talking to be. i kept looking around because its really hard for me to be around him. he didnt look very good. it was down there with the time i saw him at csuf when sara and i ditched to see days away play there. but with him i dont know actually how much of the attraction was looks. i think the first time or however many times i saw him before he cut his hair was attraction, then after that it was just the idea of what he looked like the first time i met him and who i had built him up to be during our late night internet talks. he seemed so perfect, i knew all along he wasnt but i had yet to find a fatal flaw. although i still havent found anything wrong with him, hes just not the idol i had built him up to be. no one could live up to that. hes still a good guy, but not for me. looks wise- hes not my type. marlon is more my type. wow, i cannot get over him. thats so bad though. im going to do it again. chris thinks im a stalker freak, so does david. i dont want to ruin all my chances with marlon this early on. i need to calm down. next time i talk to him im going to try and be real, and forget abt flirting. and be honest like, "look, i dont know how to talk to you" i know thats nothing thats going to make him go oh baby i want you now, but at the same time, it might make things easier, if he knows im not exactly what i seem. i dont even know if that makes sense. but i dont want him to think im cooler than i actually am, because if he ever does get to know me, he will be disappointed to find out im actually a dork. okay wayyyyy too much marlon talk. this is bad. hes not cute, when he got all entergetic the other night for .5 seconds, not the cutest thing i had ever seen. okay so back to chris and yesterday. so he was wearing this black trucker-ish hat that had a pink surf dive logo on it. i couldnt help but laugh. he offered me sunscreen. hes such a dork, its so funny. so we watched them, i dont think he wants anything to do with me. it shoudl bother me, but it is kind of humerous. so we watched the end of the ataris, sum 41, simple plan, the used, melee, plain white t's and part of rufio. and you know what... all of the bands that are played on radio or mtv put on pathetic shows. k so i just came off of away message to talk to brian, and david is on. im thinking about iming him, but i dont know if it is the best idea. i think he hates me. haha i kind of think its funny. maybe i should do it jsut to be annoying, cuz he already doesnt like me, without a good reason mind you. and i dont like him either. aaww what the hell. ive perfected the art at being a pain in the ass with chris, why not work on it a little bit more. haha so i did. and he never said anything. okay just as i typed that, guess whos box popped up. okay my life is so wierd. so as i type that the box pops up and hes like i dont know who this is but thanx. and then i tell him, he spells my name wrong again. then right. then i make fun, we talk a little, then hes like im going somewhere with my friends, but are you going to shows anytime soon? yours or in general? in general. i say everybody else at the troubador and he said he might want to come or something to flyer for the coach house show. and he says to call him? what? he was so nice. wired. i have a lot more to say. but im kind of stuned. ill finish later.

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Thursday, July 10, 2003

11:30PM

so being the loser that i am, i will now relay the events of today. so i went to work this morning, vique was back (YAY) i missed her, as wierd as that sounds cuz she is just my boss. but yeah so that happened, but when i first came into work, i was filing for alex and we were smalltalking and i was like so anything exciting going on, and hes like yeah thorns is leaving today. i didnt hear that, cuz as he was saying that i was like hey thorns dont you leave today? and he said yeah in a half hour. then he got out some cds he put aside for me. i like them both, and even if i didnt i would still be excited, just cuz he thought of me. i love being treated special, as lame ass as that sounds. and thorns and alex do that kinda stuff for me, and no one else. which i love. im such a loser. anyways so that, then gym and other shit. then i went to saras and got slightly ready, then we picked up eric straight from work and we went to long beach to see vkv perform. blah balh balh. so we get there, not bad timing. we park and walk up cautiously, cuz i really didnt want to see david, esp first thing like always. i wish i didnt know him, that would make this vkv thing so much easier. i could email marlon, or billy whatever the hell his name is. and i would have to worry abt david seeing and i dont think he would even care, but forsome reason its just wierd for me. so yeah turns out, instead of david, marlon or billy is the first person i see. we smile and wave and walk by. then sara and eric want food so they tell me to ask what time they go on at, so i do and we end up talking for k ind of awhile. not very dazzling. i told him to dazzle me with his intelligence, but he wouldnt, he just kept making excuses. :\ haha i didnt mind, he remembered me and was talking to me. so yeah i walk away, kind of abruptly, to go tell sara and eric, they decide to walk down to 7-11 i dont want to so i stay back by the diapiazza sit at a table while marlon taslkes to some wierd chick that works at the coffee place, then i move and position myself against a wall. of course this was perfect timing for david to drive up of course. mainly because god hates me. but thats nothing new. so i turn arouind and looka t the menu and of course he sees me, hes liek hi lindsey, my back is to him, hi lindsey a little louder. still back turned no response, he continues to do this several more times until i turn and respond. shy my asss. so yeah i dont remeber after that until sara and eric came back. i watch them eat, we go inside. they play an amazing set. best i think ive ever seen them do. marlon never looks at people. i loved how chris always used to look at me, when he would sing, he looked at a lot of people. marlon looks at his brain because his eyes are rolled so far back, the ceiling or the microphone. he speaks japanese. i cant even believe it. he performed barefoot. he is so great. so david looked at me a couple of times, i think. ididnt smile back or anytrhing., i know im being immature, but i despise inconsistancy, which i guess i was being a hypocrite, because, i was ignoring and borderline bitchy like all night byt then when we were leaving, i was walking away from i think it was britton, and he was walking by holding something, and i just tapped his hsoulder and i dont remember what i said, but hes like are you leaving, and i said yes and he said thatt heyre playing the coachhouse soon, their next show and i should go. its july 27th blah blah blah its by me, he gave me a hug and i left. okay back to telling the night in progression. sooo back to the inside, they did this song that was axis revival, but it was marlon singing whatever he felt like saying in japanese and alex talking back in german. it was good. so they ended. we stayed in for awhile, i was walking around looking for a bathroom and all these creepy guys were trying to talk to me. i want to look good so marlon will notice me, but all these other guys make me want to look like crap so i will get left alone. anyways so we walk outside and conveniently marlons walking right towards us. he gives me a hug and i do my very best to avoid spilling my cup of water on him. he hugged me!! yay. so then we talk a little and he was more entergeting. soo cute. i want to marry him. haha. so we talk i dont remember what happened to him. a litlte later, i was talking abt david, to sara and eric right as marlon walks behind me, and i look at him and hes looking at me... and i think he thinks im talking abt him, cuz i immediately shut up, but then he comes up to me, well not really, more like he stops walking but continues to roll up the wire or whatever hes doing. we talk again and some guy pulls him away to tlak money. that was the last i saw him. right after that we started to walk away. then i came back cuz i really wanted to talk to the drummer, oh this is the best part. i forgot to mention before, that he kept looking at me while they were playing. or so i thought. i was sitting directly behind a girl. she wasnt cute so i kind of just assumed it was me. so at the end i wanted to talk to him so i walk up and im like "britton right?" yeah he says. im lindsey and we shake hands. then i was like i hear were losing you to stanford.. yeah blah blah blah september. oh yeah im leaving august 20th then i was like are you transfering or did you just graduate, and he says he just graduated and i was suprised, i was like you look a lot older, he was all happy, then hes like oh yeah my girlfriends going back east, she leaves in august too. girlfriend standing right next to him. im soo embarrassed, but i cant just walk away cuz then hell know i was coming up to him cuz i thought he was cute or whatever, by the way he totally is. cutest face ever, walks wierd though, i want to know what happened to his leg, like really bad. so then i talk abt kevin song and say that he used to talk abt him a lot, and he was in my physics class and he says kevins funny, asked what i thought of the show, say it was good. anddd i say well i just wanted to meet you. he says nice meeting you (simultaneously) and i walk away. i never got to say bye to marlon. im going to refuse to over analyize the marlon thing, cuz that would me i care. i cant care. i cant go through a repeat of the chris thing all over again.

Current mood: drained
Current music: "AskMeWhatItsLikeToHaveMyselfAllFiguredOut,WishIKnew."
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Tuesday, July 8, 2003

9:51PM

so the guy from the other night wont quit calling. the first time i said i wasnt home. the second time i said i was on the other line and i would call back. didnt even take the number down. tonight hes called like 5 times and i keep picking up and not saying anything, and he just keeps calling back. okay julian was alright he called a lot, but got the point when i said i would call back and didnt. julian i could have liked though, i met him at a show, he was at least somewhat into music. this guys was completely lame when it came to music. and hes kinda creepy. no guy ever gets my real number ever again. ever. so i was forced to call allison today. my dad wants me to take her on a lunch date, so shes supposed to call back sunday. i wish he wasnt making me do this. its akward and i have already decided against rushing. i dont want to go over there till the 23rd. i ended up emailing david back last night, earlier than i wanted to. he hasnt said anything yet. and knowing him he wont. hes nice till i ask abt shows, then he doesnt email back. he like doesnt want me there. well i dont care, im going regardless... i want marlon.

Current mood: determined
Current music: "I'm burning like a bridge for your body..."
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2:18AM - i know nows not the time for this ...

i still remember the first time i saw melee. it was over a year ago at a something corporate show. i knew from the first time i saw you perform, there was something special about you. and as i have come to know you a little more over the last year, i have realized how right i was. you posess an extrordinary musical talent, but even more importantly, you are a good person. i mean come on lets face it, how many people are there in the music industry that would say they would donate money from their first big paycheck to their church. seeing people like you makes me want to be a better person. the first time i saw you, i thought you were attractive, but over time, youve dropped that label, and taken on one as more of a mentor above all else. so basically i just wanted to thank you for the impact you have had on me. if it wasnt for you i wouldnt be where i am now. so if you ever forget why youre doing what you are, just remember that its people like you, who really care, that can make a positive impact on anyone you come in contact with. I dont think i will be seeing you again, so... good luck in the future, i hope you end up as a film composer like you were originally aiming for, or whatever you decide you want to be. you deserve only the best. thank you again and god bless.

p.s. dont forget no matter what, you have such high potential, dont sell yourself short for anyone or anything.

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12:32AM

so today i worked, blah, viques still not back. jordan talked to me for the first time today. it made me feel bad for kinda hating him before. this was not because he was exceptionally nice to me or anything like that, but in talking to him i realized, that he does not have any people skills whatsoever. its sad really. also jon alex and i walked to lunch, subway to be exact, because that is now all i can eat. and we we talking about thorns on our way back, his real name is mathew goodman, and he randomally decided to change it to thorns capicorn. haha they were kinda talking shit on him, i dont see why the name change is anything to get worked up about. its quite amusing actually. then alex was saying that thorns is kinda psycho, and all this bad stuff, but hes sooooo nice and funny, i find what alex was saying kind of hard to believe. but i dont know why hed be telling me that kind of stuff if it wasnt true. nothing to lose sleep over. oh yeah, that guy from saturday night has called twice, he called the day after i met him and the following day. what happened to the good old 3 day rule. the first time i answered the phone, and he asked for me and i was like no im sorry shes not here right now. then tonite when he called i said i was on the other line and i would call back. never did. dont plan on it. i know thats kind of mean, but he doesnt like music. i could never like a guy that wasnt into music. and i dont know how he would take it if i told him that. plus he barely even talked to me so he cant like me for me, he just thought i was pretty. and i dont want a guy that likes me for just looks. so ive justified it. this is why i never get the guys i like, cuz i treat all the guys that like me badly. its kharma, and the fact that god hates me. im still on that gay ass diet, and im actually doing pretty well AND today, i did double classes, body works and spin , thank the lord rob wasnt there or i would have died. it was pretty damn brutal. and i dont know if i mentioned it before but i msged david on that friendthing and apologized for the whole stalking thing, and explained it was emily and not me who asked him to be my "friend" or whatever. and so today he msged me back, pretty quick for him, normally it takes like weeks if he ever even does. and he was like dont be sorry youre no stalked and if you were it would be kinda cool, ive never had one and it would be a unique experience:) then since i called him a little stud in the last one, hes like i like to think of myself as more of a greek god or at the very least a HUGE stud, but ill take the compliment none the less. the show was soso i dont like hogues or chain for that matter the show on the 10th will be better. xo david. he moved up on my scale bc he played a little, i love people that joke around. so based solely on that i dont not like him anymore. i really wanna go to the show on thursday, i wanna see marlon soo bad. i hope he hasnt forgotten me. oh so last night i woke up at like 230 and just came to check the computer, david and chris were on. i wouldnt say anything to david, but i did im chris. and he totally blew me off. its okay, this is an essential part of my 12 step chris program. the 12th and final step will take place on friday july 11th at cal state long beach at warped tour if i can see him and feel nothing. ideally i would talk to him and feel nothing, but seeing him will prolly have to do. hes kind of an ass now. not that it matters, its good for me. plus, hes already been replaced. i talked to derek tonight for the first time in forever. hes had a girlfriend for the last nine months. theres something about that that bother me. dont get me wrong i dont have feelings for him anymore, i dont even really like him as a person much. hes nice and all, but the most boring person ive ever met. hes not passionate abt anything but fitting in and being cool and people like that are soo incredibly boring. but yeah back to what bothers me. so nine months, i saw him in april , which was less than nine months ago, and he was like hitting on me and talking abt showers and kissing and stuff (nothing happened) but still it would have if i let it, and he kept asking me to come over late at night and asking if he could come over... even if he didnt have a girlfriend i wouldnt have even considered it, but still finding out he had a girlfriend when he was trying to hook up with me again, just makes me lose even more respect for him. actually that combined with saturday night makes me lose basically the last shred of faith i had in the male species. okay so sara and i went to the spectrum, and walk around blah blah blah. we were running out of things to do, and were abt to leave when we ran into jared and cassandra, so they wanna go to johnny rockets, and for lack of anything else to do, we tag along, even though there is not a damn thing there i can have besides water. anyways, so while everyone else is eating, i turn around and start people watching out the window. now guys kept stopping and looking, which i dont love, but i can handle. but like 10 or so guys who are walking with girls, like holding their hands or had their arms around these girls who i am assuming were their girlfriends kept like blowing me kisses and doing the little head tilt with the eyebrow raise. not only do these guys have gfs but theyre right htere!! they shouldnt even be looking at me, let alone blowing me kisses. where have all the decent guys gone. the ones that seem decent like chris and marlon, always end up not being decent. like chris, well i dont know he might be still to others, not me. i hope marlon doesnt disappoint me. what am i talking abt, he cant disappoint me if i dont have feelings for him, which i cant, ive only talked to hime like 3 or 4 times and the longest convo was like 20 minutes or something like that. i cant let myself do with him what i did with chris. i cant go through that again. ever. im so stupid. im just getting over him after a year of pain and heartbreak, and im already looking for more. i need psychiatric help. wow. my dad wants me to call that girl allison from u of a again so we can meet for lunch so we can talk about rushing, i wanted to except i dont want to go over there any sooner than i have to. i would have to go over there the 20th if i rush, and if i dont im hoping i can push it back to like the 23rd, since by man, this day forwars and christensen are playing at chain the 22nd and vique said that i could be the merch girl and that would be a good show to do it at. we are going to the brandnew show on sunday (vique and i) yay im soo excited. im soooo getting merch, their new cd is soooooo amazing i must support them since i got the cd for free and im getting into the show for free, i feel like a cheating fan if that makes any sense whatsoever. dashboard and brandnew are playing together starting in late august and theyre playing phoenix on the 20th of september, and i wanna go if its not a school night, cuz i wont be able to make it back if it is... but if its not i can stay at nikkies over night, this idea of course will only work if i get to bring my car, and i wont know about that until i dont even know when, sometime before the end of july, but the tickets will be going on sale july 18th. okay i just checked, september 20th is a saturday. yay :) k well now all i need is if i have a car or not and if nikkie will take me in for the night. under my mood im putting hopeful, which i know is dangerous cuz that means things are going to go less good, but, honesty is the best policy.

Current mood: hopeful
Current music: sensefield... save yourself (acoustic version)
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Monday, July 7, 2003

2:26AM

so its like 230 in the morning, and i just randomally woke up cuz i had to pee. i sign on the comp for like .5 to see if david is on, and low and behold... its christopher cron. i know i said i was over him. and i am. but i still would like to talk to him, i always enjoyed the little (long, latenight) talks we had. for some reason when i talked to him, i always forgot i liked him till after, so i wouldnt really be risking anything. anyways so i imed him, and he didnt say anything back for like 4 or something minuters, so i was just going to leave, but then he signed off. what a sweetie huh? no one wants to talk to me. the silver lining in that is at least it shows me that he always did want to talk to me before, or he wouldnt, cuz evidently he isnt as nice as i originally thought. hes just regular not a saint but not like really mean or anything. its good to know hes human. also, david made me his friend on this ffriendster thing, so i msged him and was like sorry abt that, my friend that signed me up for this was at the galaxy show, and found you very attractive so when she was on here doing that she asked your last name, and i answered not knowing what was going on. and the rest is history. i feel kinda bad, you prolly think i am such a little stalker. well i guess youre going to have to get used to it being the little stud that you are in a reputable band like vkv. hope the show went well last night. lindseuy. or something stupid like thayt. im such an idiot. hahaha. its things like these that remind me why i am alone. and why no one wants to even talk to me, let alone be with me. i hate my life.


i can still only eat unprocessed bland food. which compared to some of the other stuff in my liffe, isnt a big deal, but lets face it, it doesnt make things any better.

Current mood: depressed
Current music: "at least no one;s head is on fire"
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Saturday, July 5, 2003

12:30PM

so you know how i said i would go to the vkv show today regardless? well i just went on their guest book and marlon said that the show was going to be another acoustic, which i dont really wanna do. i dont know what to do now, cuz davids not gonna email me back, so im gonna have to pay 10 bucks to see something i saw for free last week, and since it isnt the whole band again it might look wierd to david and marlon that im back to see them yet again. especially to david considering he didnt even email me back. God, please stop hating me already!

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12:37AM - now im on my own, its getting cold too out...back to racine.

well again stuff has happened since i wrote last, and again nothing cataclysmic. sara and i went to an everybody else show on like the 19th or something at chainrxn which was a lot of fun. i met a guy. his name was julian. cute, princeton boy. called me many times, i only talked to him once, told him i would call him back but never did. brian was randomally at that show. i hadnt seen him in forever, i know he saw me, he said he didnt though. whatever im like over that. anyways so two days after that, on saturday was the chainrxn prom, which ive been excited about forever. it sucked a butthole. hellogoodbye was first, and they were really good. then melee went on. awful. just terrible, except they did an amazing cover of turning japanese. brian came, said hi to me, then not much else, and it was not due to my lack of trying, i didnt harass or anything, but i did actually try. limbeck was terrible too, but i could have told you that, i hate that band. i didnt even get to talk to chris. he waved a couple times and was like hows it going. and are you leaving as we walked out. thats it. he is so in love with his girlfriend it makes me sick. haha... well at least he appears to be happy, he deserves that. when i got home that night, i put every melee item i own in a shoe box, and have not opened it since. im over him. im seeing them at warped tour next friday, then t hats it. no more melee. yay for me. the next week i worked everyday. jon and i carpool now. hes nice but his attitude gets annoying. its cute how much he loves briget. i wish someone would love me. even half as much as he loves her. so work is good, everyone there is soo soo nice and appear to like me enough. im sad i have to leave it so soon. cass and i started hanging out again, im happy, i missed her, even though i would never admit that to her. saara and i hang out a lot too. she was telling me the other night she was locked out of her house, and sitting on her door step, and saw bryce sitting in his room, with his window open and lights on, she was calling to him and he walked over shut the window and the blinds and turned of the lights. funniest thing ever. EVER. a couple days before that tho sara and i were going to go see vkv with jill, jill canceled, but cass randomally decided she wanted to come and bring jared. so the four of us went to the hub cafe to see them. we got there a little early so i suggested that we walk back to the arcade, and of course the first person i see is david. most likely because god hates me. and wants david to think i am a stalker. it bothers me that he is like always the first person i see at the shows. why not marlon? well actually he was there too. he waved:) and said hi. david introduced me to the people he was with as " a friend of the band" wierd huh? im not friends with any of them. david barely even talks to me... up until that point i was almost positive he hated me... well more like apathy, which is actually worse if you ask me. but whatever, not everyones gonna like me and im fine with that. plus i dont like that he feels like he needs to treat me differently just because our dads are friends and we went to mammoth together once before we even hit puberty and he gave my brother some goofy nickname, haha i always forget that hyperdyper came from him. anyways, so the day after the show, he emails me and its like "thanks for coming last night and bringing your friends (as if i would go alone? i think not) if you let me know in advance what shows you will be coming to, i will do my best to get you in comp (that means for free :) ] its wierd we are friends now after all those years:)" or something to that extent, i dont care enough to go into hotmail and copy and paste. anyway, at first i was like ohh that was nice. but the more i thought about it, the more it annoyed me. if you know me, you know im the no bullshit kind of person. i dont play games and like to get straight to the point. i would rather hear something mean, than something nice that is untrue. so although it seems like hes being really nice, were not friends. if you added up all the time weve ever spent talking i would bet my life it doesnt add up to more than 10 minutes. thats not friendship. dont get me wrong, im not saying i wouldnt want to be friends with him, i dont even know him, so i cant really say either way. but he hasnt given me much of a chance. that bothers me. but the way hes nice sometimes, but ignores me the majority of the time really makes me not like him. so anyways i emailed him back like 3 days later (he emailed on the 30th i emailed back on the 2nd) and i told him abt how i saw amanda and we both knew him, and made fun for no im, bad idea? prolly, then i was like if all goes well i plan on going to the show on saturday, and if he could get me in "comp" i would love him forever, yes i did actually say that. *(and i wonder why he doesnt email back)* haha and thats basically it, that was wednesday and its friday and i havent heard anything and the shows tomorrow. im going regaredless for two reasons, one i already made plans with sara, and shes bringing eric and cuz i really wanna see marlon, before he forgets me. but ill check a few times tomorrow to see if he does email me back. he prolly wont. oh well, im after marlon not him anyways. so back to the hub show. so the first guy was just a guy with an acoustic and a stool. his name was greg and he was from west virginia, he called himself time and distance, he was absolutely amazing. wow. i bought the cd and a tshirt and have been addicted ever since. hes no chris corraba, but hes not bad at all. vkv was second, it was wierd they had no cellos or lead guitar or drummer so it was basically marlon impersonating chris corraba. he did an amazing job tho. marlon is so, wow. i dont even know what to say. hes so wierd, like borderline insane, but so cute and all of that together just makes him so intriguing. so throughout the night marlon looks at me several times, prolly cuz i kept staring at him and hes like whatafreak. but hey at least he noticed haha. so the third band was just terrible from the second they started, the were called run.dash.sprint. and they were too loud for how bad they were. so less than a minute after they started i walked to the back and just kinda stood there by myself, just thinking, abt how david and marlon were my new chris and brian, marlon is chris and david is brian. and just how blah my life is. i see david talking to the same people he was when we got there and marlon is kinda wandering. i dont remember if i was pretending to watch when david walked right by me or what, i think i was i know he saw me, he was like not even a foot away, he walked like right by me while looking straight at me, and didnt say anyhting, im not sure where he disappeared to, but i never saw hime again. two seconds later marlon walked up kinda by where i was standing and sat down on this wood platform thing. and we looked at each other and kinda smiled. then hes like i remember you, why? i told him we had met before and we talked abt how he told me he wasnt in the band when i saw them here for the first time. then he asked my name, and we started talking abt how he works at coldwell banker and hes like yeah all the old ladies love me and im like if i was an old lady i would love you too. and then we talk abt rev. and he explains to me what shai halud is, and tells me how is was the biggest nerd ever in high school and still is. i was like thats part of your appeal... so at this point i sit down, and we talk for like 20 minutes or something. he so wierd. i love it. hes my new chris because he remembers me and talks to me so i can get just close enough to fall in love, but cant ever have more than that. or let it go anywhere. i need to be smarter this time, cuz last time was just way too painful. i cant let that happen to me again. david is my new brian because were like no friends, but have friend qualities. were "friendish". which is tough, cuz i think david is pretty cute, and hes into music and the industry and stuff like i am, and hes nice enough, but wont let me get any closer than the point at which i started, whcih is just like brian. i hate all four of these guys for making all of this so difficult on me. so yesterday i went to the doctor about my colesterol (i spelled that so wrong its not even funny) and he basically said i need to lose somewhere between 20 and 25 lbs and go on the strictest diet ever so they can retest my cholesterol and see if it goes down. this will determine if i have a disease or just bad eating habbits. this is kind of two fold because ive always wanted to lose weight so this is kind of a blessing in disguise but at the same time im almost 19 and already on the stictest diet EVER, thats just not right. tontie for the 4th we went to keith and sharons hosue for her bday and i ate less and healthier than anyone else, and just hated every minute of it. its only day numero uno, im sure ill get used to it, but as for now, im wishing god didnt hate me quite so much. i havent been able to sleep lately because i have generalized anxiety disorder. that is just a self diagnosis. but im almost positive. i think i am going to go to the doctor to get something done about it. im going to go make my best attempts at sleeping although i slept for kind of a long time at keith and sharons tonite. i dont wanna look like ass tomorrow. talk later. oh and cross your fingers that david emails me back abt tomorrow nite. im not counting on it. but oh well.

Current mood: aggravated
Current music: "God must hate me he cursed me for eternity"
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Wednesday, June 18, 2003

12:29AM

im still waiting for good. i wonder how long am i going to have to wait. its getting old. im loosing patience. i dont wanna struggle anymore. i want to be happy, i want people in my life that care about me, no more of this one sided crap. david never emailed me back. hes so flaky and like says stuff that he doesnt mean which i absolutly hate. you know what? i dont feel like talking right now.

Current mood: sad
Current music: im losing all control
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