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Tuesday, February 17th, 2004
12:44 am - An awesome poem by the Chilean poet Pablo Neruda
Love

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
window.
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects. --------------------- by Pablo Neruda

This poem is awesome... I love it...it really hits home --
if only love weren't so painful just as much as it is beautiful

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Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
1:57 am - well..
another new year.. I wonder what this year will bring into my life-- it seems like life has been on fast forward ever since I graduated high school, yet I haven't really attained any of my goals or dreams- if anything I just feel extremely disoriented and unfocused. I feel really lost as if I'm in a dark tunnel yet there's no direction in which I have to go- so I just stand there stuck in the mud.. I don't know- since when did things get this complicated- on that deep level huh? I mean I guess life is what u make it, but I don't know what I'm doing... I feel trapped in a bubble that I'm slowly suffocating in- all by myself.. I don't know...

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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
2:05 am - 2 more weeks till Navy boy is home...
Well Christmas is zip zip zippin around the corner.. I get to see the parentals on the 19th and see my baby Steven my best friend since 7th grade... he has been through tough times this semester and I have been really worried. But Wifey Reesa is comin home and at least I get a change of pace. Noel is comin in 2 weeks- but I have already sorted that out in my head.. Things are doing ok, like my dad says it's not so bad, things can be worse.. Well talk to u later I gotta call Cheeks. bye blurt.

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Saturday, November 15th, 2003
7:37 pm - Agitation of da chemicals in photo lab-
as i sit and contemplate on the being that I am-
I do not know what mysterious equations my soul can conjure during these 10 minutes but I know that I am who I am and I'll be who I'll be
I dare to think outside history and delve into creative fusion.
I mask myself in duality
it is in my femininity that makes me strong
and in my masculinity that my life will go on
I bid you peace and serenity, and actuality of being real
besides the spasms that my nervous convulses with
I will be me in all eternity.

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Monday, November 10th, 2003
3:14 pm - Never sleep
Sometimes I wake up crying because I think that I am having a dream- more like a nightmare-In my dream I think that I was with you and that I loved you but then one day you were gone. And all I could do is cry and cry but no matter how much I cried- you were gone.

I cant sleep, and my life means nothing to me without you. Things that made me happy don't really do much for me any more. You made me happy. But I ask myself- why I was never good enough for you. To this day I have never been able to answer that question and I've never been able to figure out why you left me. My life's gone downhill because I lost the one good thing I had in my life. That was you. I guess I will just keep crying until the day that I die. I'll keep crying for my lost angel. I miss you so much. I think I'm going crazy. Or maybe I went crazy a long time ago. I keep writing letters to someone who will never get them, someone who will never know, but most painfully someone who doesn't care at all. Sometimes I feel like dying from the pain but then my body has no choice but to be on this earth- solid and broken. I walk around empty, with a hollow echo that surrounds me. I never thought a person could die of a broken heart. But perhaps someday that will be proven wrong. But why I keep hurting myself I don't know. You don't even remember me. do you know what it feels like to love someone who doesn't know u exist? it just may possibly be the saddest thing i know. sadly no one knows any of this and all i can do is bottle it up inside.

sometimes I think to myself maybe this is all just a bad dream- or perhaps i just imagined you but then the dull ache in my chest reminds me just how real it really is.

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Saturday, November 8th, 2003
1:10 am - A wonderful day
I'm really glad that the end of this week has been so pleasant. Yes, my memory is all garbled- I can't remember a lot of things that I'm supposed to do or places I should be- but happy days like these are what make me rethink my view on life sometimes. What my view on life is exactly- well I don't really know but I know there are really dark days. But let's go over what was so great about today. I watched the directors commentary to Pretty Woman before I fell asleep- prior to that Marisol was over and we spent a lil time together and that was nice since I always spend time with her. She fell asleep on my couch but she went home eventually- and I had finally gotten my period. I never thought I would ever be that happy to get my period but once I had gone through that fear of being infertile later on- that was depressing. I want a family and a dog the whole nine yards-- and I want MY offspring.

Anyhow Bob was in a good mood, I feel that we have bonded and that he is used to having me around which is good. It takes awhile to establish trust and certainty in any relationship- but I asked if we can feed the pigeons again at Bayonne Park. Let me tell you- the first time we went there it was foggy and wet- today the sun was shining brightly and the air had that crisp to it that only the autumn season brings. The park was AMAZING. The trees were all different shades, there were people running around having a wonderful time- but the best thing was the waterfront. The bay or river whatever it is glowed like a newborn baby and there were boats and the entire scene was just serene and peaceful. Then Bob took me on a lil tour of Bayonne which was nice. I got to see a different side of the town as opposed to the view I had before. It feels like the other end of Jersey for me. I feel like I'm in another world when I'm in Bayonne compared to Jersey city yet they're right next to each other. We went to a bar that is owned by one of Bob's students when he was teaching high school- and all his pal's were there and everyone knew him. It felt great to see him interacting with other people- he's really a charming fella. Friendly too- We ate lunch on the bar and it was really tasty- and I enjoyed the time just sitting there browsing through the paper while he talked to his buddy. It brought back the memory of when I was a lil girl and I would accompany my grandpa Voltes everywhere from golf clubs to business offices and I was always by his side. I just realized that Bob reminds me of Voltes a lil. Then Bob decided that he wants to CASH my check for me. lol. I think he really likes having me around now which is good- I just feel sad sometimes cuz I think he is bored and lonely- I mean what the hell is a cat to play with and he has no one in the house with him. That's one of the few things that by culture I am so glad that I'm Filipino. I would hate to be that age and be all alone- I mean he has kids and they have their own lives but still the man WILL get lonely u know. People need a touch, a smile, to be taunted, they need that personal touch. A phone call can only do so much. So anyhow he was being funny today- then I went home and shopped a lil- then went to Times Square with Marisol's Mom Nilsa-

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Wednesday, August 27th, 2003
1:28 am - Chu is back
If I can sum up this entire summer in one word- it would be : ADVENTURE aka Aventura

It's been crazy- from sittin in Noel's car after the after party, to Julio and Tonnele Ave, to Chu, to Aliye aka my baby's daddy when I have sum tequila in me, to Prican Julio aka "i'm mad at u cuz u gave ur number to that guy", to Noel having 2 girlfriends and him being found out haha that bastard playing the fucking Dominican card I can't stand that shit, to Guiseppe yo wtf is a guiseppe? (bouncer), to Katty's love life- DAMN i don't need one- I can just live off of hers, to Steve not loving me any longer but it's all good cuz it's mutual, to Chu coming back from the grave ( jail time), to the Nationwide blackout on my bday, the video store got robbed 20 g's-

on and on I could go but I must say that I think I have caught up the 3 yrs i missed out-
Now I'm just not sure if I should pursue the thing with Chu since obviously the first time around it wasn't exactly just a "booty call"

I'm too personal not to catch sum sort of feelings- I mean I like him he likes me what's the problem right?
But life thinks its hilarious by making everything so damn complicated-

From day to day I guess..
It's been crazy- now it's time to throw down and show the world my skills-
I think imma miss the girls since school starts next week but this summer was most def one to remember...
Thanks to the Bachata clique- Good girls know how to have fun too!!
but Katty getz sum PIMP medals from this week-
Mari has weasled her way into my heart again and now I look for her company
and of course my Boo who I miss already even though I was actin funny cuz she was gettin on my nerves- but I thought about it and I can't cock block- that ain't right-

It's been real... as EXIT would say

Maliit, Exit and Kantutan I will miss us together...

never forget na MALAKING TITE LANG!!!

current mood: thoughtful

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Thursday, August 7th, 2003
11:44 pm - Goapele
A beautiful album, a beautiful artist- Goapele's cd is breathtaking.

Sure perked up my day having found new music!

I'm in Fla. visiting the parentals- and as usual this town is boring the shit outta me.

I don't know how Cisco survives here- yes he makes his living here but I could never tear myself away from the city, now that I've lived in it. Yes he is slowly reaching his dreams but did it have to be here?

Every time I come here I get sorta depressed knowing that this State holds someone that has captured my heart and affections. But then it dawns on me that he RESIDES here -and I , thousand of miles away. I love him selfishly and I refuse to put myself through that torture.

So every time I come here, I just wander the town wanting to see him but never martyr enough to make the painful act of crossing over.
Cuz if i do there's no going back.
And who knows what the other side holds.

I'm past it, the whole Cisco thing, plus he has changed and so have I.
If I was able to get over Gabe , I can get over Cis, matter of fact I already have.

He lives his life and mine goes on.
With out him. Perhaps someday our paths will cross but along with everything else in my life- I gotta do me first.

But when will I ever find him? Who is him-- I have no fucking idea- but Prince Charming sure is playing hide n go seek that son-of-a-bitch!

The one to come home to, the one to hold me, the one to instill my fears, dreams, and wipe away my occasional tear?

Although I hold strong, I'm lonely and am waiting for that moment when I can love unconditonally all over again.

But right now- it's Ma Runnin Dolo-

It's just the way it's gotta be...

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, May 22nd, 2003
11:13 pm - All I feel is hurt...
I feel sick, I feel like throwing up and I feel a hurt that rarely occurs. Why do I come back for more when all you do is mistreat me? Knowing that it would hurt me you say things- you yourself would grit your teeth at. Maybe it is my fault , but you're there and I'm here.

Something told me that someone's on your mind. So she's cuban and you seem happy, if you aren't and you're preteding then you're a bigger jerk than I thought. To top off a fucked up week- this is all I needed.

I hurt inside. Your words hurt me, your actions make me cringe, but most of all your smile makes me wanna cry.

I wanna cry like I'm 2 years old, like someone stole my lolipop, like someone pushed me in the playground.

Like I said before, it's better that I stay away because already you're breaking my heart.

She'll be the woman in your life and even when I come I'll be a nobody.
I'm always the girl that's temporary never the one to stay.
I love you already.
That's why it hurts.
That's why I stayed away.
And that's why i'll try hard to forget you.

I can't be hurt again, I won't survive this time.
I hate the way you make me feel, I hate that I can't seem to get over my feelings for you.
I hate that I fell in love, I hate that you know you got me like that.
I hate you because I love you.

Loving you was never good for me
no illness can make me hurt more than your words.
I hate that I feel so helpless whenever it's you.

I hate that I caught feelings, I hate that you live where I used to live,
I hate that I got involved in the first place.

I hate that you make me feel this way.

I'm just another check box on your to-do list

Love is pain but pain shouldn't be love.

No use crying bout it, i'll have to do without it-

current mood: jealous

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Friday, May 16th, 2003
2:46 pm - Heart Beats
Um so Swain makes my heart pitter patter- i'm 20 going on 21 and I just said pitter patter- and no one has that effect on me anymore...
He feels it to- cuz no matter what after time passes- he still wants me to come see him..

He feels it to.. and it's only tragic that he and I are thousands of miles apart- he tries his best to stay away but no matter what he can never say NO to me...

just as much as I can't stay away from him..

Who would've thought he'd be the next one to steal my heart..

I'm just scared the fantasy won't live up to the reality--

After talking to my Lola I realized that Gabe is my Tuting(long story with that), and it's amazing how history repeats itself. But this time the young lady knows better and is granted the luxury of making her own life...

I really really hope that Swain's enchanted mystical magic story doesn't end as the tale of the evil whore..

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Sunday, May 4th, 2003
11:08 pm - Oh Boy
This weekend was Natty's bday celebration- it was cool- I danced with a really cute guy- I finally saw how Gabe looks after all these years- OH BOY- to say disaster is an understatement. You can see how lonely n sad he is. Now daSEXxy1 - man oh man- he needs to get it- I think I just need a lil taste- then after that I can always go home. Anyhow- Tator Tot boy came outta the closet- good for him. Mo is trying to turn me- and what else things r cool. Shit is poppin'. 1,2 Wench is coming for u...

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Friday, March 21st, 2003
1:34 pm - blurred by blurty
I can't believe its already March- actually the end of March- my life seems to b passing by in a blur - only i don't know the difference when I am asleep and when I am awake. A recap of last weeks events well my real father died of a heart attack, I met Cynthia Rowley in the flesh and spoke to her, and Junito, my good friend Marisol's dad committed suicide. That was a lot of crap to take all in one evening. Add onto that the ulcer, carpal tunnel and the other stuff- i dunno- oh well off to work I go- i dunno if i should call white craig- missouri is going to the rally tomorrow- she's definitely cool. rocky isnt speaking to me cuz i turned him down. and roberto a la civic was digging me as I was. so i wasnt imagining stuff when I felt something in the air- any how gotta get dressed, byee

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Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
1:53 am - The Betrayal
Let's just say that just like in " A Bronx Tale"- Kayla and Matt have bought their way out of my life and it was an easy job... I'm not surprised that Kayla would be doing sum grimey shit like this since she is a nasty, dirty, babykiller who is by the way a fucking cow who brings nothing but misery ( I finally realized this)- I mean how can u have 3 abortions within 3 years?? At 19 yrs old? Just like mz.ex said- look around you and check out the people around you- do they bring nothing but misery? I get to choose whom I let sit in the front row of my life- Kayla isn't one of em- most def- plus she is too simple minded bitch can't even spell definitely correctly- but 3 abortions before age of 20? That is SICK- it's chicks like her that make me sometimes rethink prochoice- I mean yes a woman should have the right to her own choices since it is her body but to nonchalantly have abortions and use getting pregnant to trap a guy? It's completely disgusting and I am glad that I'm finally out of that friendship. But Matt, wow- I never thought that he would get that desperate as to "meeting up" with my ex best friend. That to me is the outmost betrayal- not only that but it's like he found a new person to nag, stalk, and "save"- The fucking loser is dying to be someone's hero- well it ain't happening if you're the weak one doll- First of all the kid has every imaginable thing wrong with him- he has the nerdiest laugh, is a geek by definition but most of all he is one of those ugly, dorky guys who aim a lil too high and always sweat chicks that he could never be with- Kayla and him are PERFECT for each other lol they'd have sum lovely DR/PR/Arab kids lol short ones too!!! Rob has been killing me- he is the bomb when it comes to this shit- cuz unlike sum plain average Joe and Suzy- he has a personality- one that is not annoying- and he knows how it is to live the hard life- the one where ya parents don't just hand u shit and u have it way easy but sit there and lecture everyone on how to live life. Don't get me wrong I'm not jealous at all- actually I'm glad that Matt and Kayla have found each other- one is a drama psycho who talks to herself and makes up problems and is a fucking LIAR and the other loves chicks that have issues and is oh so dying to fix em. Anyway enuf bout those two cuz they aren't important- for all I care they could both get hit by a bus- onto more important topics-

I finally found sum loot! There's nothing like 80 bucks that you didn't know u had!!

Rocky has 2 kids... at 23? damn yo he started maddd early- too bad Italian and Rican too- but what I don't understand is why do all these guys who are WITH someone all like me??
WHAT THE FUCK- ever heard of commitment? That's pig style- being all flirty when ya other half isn't around-
First there's hazel eyes, then the guianese man who bothered me during lunch- it's like um dear fellow co-worker first of all I could be ya daughter- your son is my age and he's cute lol-
then there's Rocky- "so.. uh Chi nice ass by the way I got 2 kids..."
What the hell u flirting with me for then? Shiettt
Craig was kinda grumpy today but it's all good-
Well another long day tomorrow- my hand is acting funny I wonder what's wrong with it-
Oh yea and onto the most in the back of my head topic-
--- He's back in my thoughts again... I dunno why but I guess cuz it's unresolved and I still want him---
But I'm better off things being this way- he'd prolly only hurt me in the end... Or do I truly believe that? hmm
Working in the city is definitely dope tho-
My rents are coming this weekend- that should be nice I miss them - it would be so great if they lived here... I wish they did..
I'mma die from lack of sleep tomorrow..

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Monday, February 3rd, 2003
1:19 am - He cursed me when he said "I'll always be the one you'll remember"
There it is
calling me, speaking softly to me, drawing me towards it, making my stomach hurt, giving me butterflies
Of course what I truly want I can't have- neither hazel boy, nor a breakdancer nor a Rocky can ruin ya steez- I want u with a yearning thats unstoppable it has consumed me and I'm in too deep- why I want you I don't know- I can't explain it- I thought I knew it all... after I was reborn... but everything I had written u erased and instead of writing that shit down with magic markers- my thoughts are corrupted by a love affair that seems to only have been possible in my mind. In my most erotic thoughts and my deepest desires never did I think that it would be someone like you that would have the ability to unlock what I burned and scattered in the past. I guess I stay away from you because I'm already in love with you, what am I to do if I tasted you only to be told there was a famine and I am to starve?
You got me addicted to you, your voice makes my knees weak and my strong resolve weaker than jello. All rational thought disappears out of my strength and you have me acting like a jealous cat- so jealous it drives me insane- yet at the same time I dunno if I wanna rip your eyes out for toying with me or to allow you to drown deep into me. I want to make love to you until I see the sun rise in the pools of your eyes, I yearn to taste your lips and drink in all and everything that you have to offer. I have grown to want u that it hurts...
How did this ever happen? Am I disillusioned or are my instincts honing in on what I truly want and need.. even if it's only one night perhaps that is all I need to cure my addiction- the farther I think I am getting with getting over you- the closer your strength attracts me like a magnet.. "Just when I was out, they pull me back in"

I don't think I can survive not only having shared my soul to you but to also share my body with you only to have just a taste of your kiss? I can't have a taste I'm a greedy ass bitch I want all of you. I am addicted to you and that is what keeps me away.

I have never had anything consume me that it has taken over all rational thought-

But as each day passes the more I try to place others in ur place the stronger the yearning becomes...

So what am I to do?

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Thursday, January 30th, 2003
8:55 pm - Juiciest
Wow yesterday my luck must've been in cupid's hand. First of all what is with all the touching that hazel eyez keeps making- I thought I died n went to heaven when he grabbed my wrist- he's driving me crazy. There's fire tween us and fire in his eyes but he knows i'm forbidden and I know I can't get with him... I think Imma stay away for awhile... maybe let it cool off a bit...I still haven't gotten paid what the fuck. BITCH GIMME MY MONEY - ha! then theres Ivan "Flipz". Man...his cologne could seduce Saddam wtf,guys like him shouldn't be allowed to shop near girls like me. and my mans went home n changed and got all jiggy and came back - breakdancers, bootleggers, and brooklyn crown heightz is what my day was filled w/ yesterday- Flipz was showin off his breakdancin pics and was obviously flirting but it's like sweetie im at work can't be mixing business with pleasure. I hope that this new job doesn't kill me workin 40 hrs a week plus school-
then on the phone with Tito- what a sweetheart he makes me feel like im so funny- im not- what's with the violent xgurl? sliced him w/ a toothbrush? WTF ... GABE is GAY- a HOMO, like's it up the ass jus so everyone knows..
Matt's still po'd- he keeps writing me these lengthy ass 'you'll be sorry" emails. I feel like telling him grow up and move past it and let it go. God i have never seen ayone take rejection so badly. I mean we barely touched the surface and he's wildin out- imagine if I actually pursued anythng- that is a can of worms i DO NOT wanna sniff or touch. And the boy went and lost his mind when he emailed the guiltless hoe talkin bout he is worried about me- WTF he needs t be worried about himself. And get HIS shit together- serving up huge dollops of advise that is unwanted- UGH now I know how guys feel when a chick is naggin them. --What a turn off-

My hand keeps numbing I don't know whats wrong with it- the new joint by Ja called Murder Me- makes me think of Cisco #2- but shit happens for a reason and I know better than to get involved w/ someone who has so much control over my emotions- I wonder if the porn thing actually came through- imagine if he was in it- OMG

About 7 months till my BDAY!!!!!!

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Friday, December 27th, 2002
3:36 am - blah
blah

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Tuesday, December 24th, 2002
1:23 am - Kayla's fatherless baby
I can't believe it... My friend is having a baby and the baby is half black (I'm NOT prejudice but her parents/FAMILY are) and they are gonna disown her... What a nice Christmas present for me...NOT- I can't believe it-
I told the stupid bitch to stop having sex w/out a condom- she's already had what? 2 abortions?? I can't believe this- she's only 19- that's not old enough to have a baby...They aren't even dating and the guy is a complete dog-I can't believe this shit...I really can't. She just threw her whole life away- there is no way she can go to college, work, AND take care of a kid...
Omg I dunno what to think... My friend can't even be responsible enough to wipe her own ass.. but a baby?
I need to sleep and pretend I didn't hear this shit- I really can't fucking believe this

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Sunday, December 22nd, 2002
2:58 am - My inner struggle
Sometimes I get so lost within myself. There are days when I want to run rampant,wild, carefree and to live the “good” life
There are days when I want to cry out against the evils of this world. There’s days when I want to be a serious intellectual, nonconforming feminist, days when I would like to play up to the role as a “sexy” woman.
There are days when I just don’t feel like getting up, and would love it if I could just crawl under the bedsheet covers and hope that the world, this dirty world we live in would just go away.
There are days when I’m happy, happy and hopeful that maybe these are just trying times and that at the end there really is a pot of gold.
But sometimes I can’t bear my inner struggle
My struggle to be free, free of the selfishness, the dishonesty, and the fall of man’s society. All over the world, it’s as if morals are forgotten- no one cares- FUCK YOU- Pay me is what they seem to say.
Friends don’t even know what friendship means any more. Silly boys sleep with each other’s girlfriends thinking that if they do this it’ll make them a bigger man.. It’s sad to see the betrayal of friends upon friends, brother against his family. Why does it feel like the longer we keep going, the world becomes grittier, harsher, and cold?

There are days when I dare to dream, maybe I can be a painter, a designer? The next Versacci? A super soccer mom? I think not. The American dream- is that all that it is? Nothing but a dream? Rags to riches is certainly a great myth to those nonbelievers. But what about the rest of the population? Is making more than six figures a year what constitutes happiness? Who defies happiness? One person’s joy can be another man’s misery. Do I want to be swimming in money? That’s not my aspiration. I dream to live a fulfilling life. One that moves me up in society. I am not lower class, perhaps I may be in the middle. But there is one thing that I know, I was nothing, I was nobody’s child but someday I’d like to be SOMETHING and SOMEONE’S SOMETHING. That is all. I know I am special I have always known that. But I want to be a special SOMETHING and SOMEONE.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, bother to fight, bother to care, bother to love when it seems as though it is never reciprocated. People always have an ulterior motive and never show their true colors. Is it so hard to just be real?
What is everyone so ashamed of? Why disguise yourself into someone for someone else’s approval? They told me my hair is not long enough, it is not light enough, I am not tall enough, that skeletons are in and that the natural shape of a woman are out. They tell me they are happy with their lives that have no direction, have no reality, have no depth. I cannot bear to just watch the sun set and rise daily to just settle for something I am not happy with. If I had wanted to give up the fight – it is the difference between life and death. Either fight your inner and outer demons and try to be a SOMEONE or just wither and die.

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