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Below are the 6 most recent journal entries.

	2005.10.25  00.04 'Future', like a young cute looking boy with big eyelashes, struggles to make my work life encounter with friends, family, and lovers shaping it quite like a screenplay. Its plot is somewhat unclear and some screams and tears seem unnecessary, but overall the efforts are in the least - touching. If i were to make you a movie of whats happening, one half of the shots would be too dark to even tell whats going on and other half the edifying subtitles would be too light to read. Every Today these days, is like stock index of moods with a strong desire to get on top(well..). Never working enough to plot out the business that'll earn me bread when i have girl triplets who need money for their existential anxieties.Have been spending my spare time ruthlessly and greedily working on an angle with which to approach the high-powered, extremely successful ones whom don't even know me yet, waiting on the same people it seems to give me a hint about where to start. I think i will finally meet this same arien f$cker- dude(man) of a new generation business to take me(well..); take me under his wings and explain me how i'm going to start. I'll Take my own common sensical advice and work closely with this new-generation-businessman-of-f$cker. Right questions and he will soon find himself swept into a world of shady business plans(my plans) towards, the "good life", fast money, and convinient bf; something which is at odds with my family including my estranged bf who can sign his presence to my unnecessary screams and tears.

	2004.05.09  15.26 As i close my term here, a sadness comes upon me, and i think in my heart: How shall I go in peace ? Nay, not without a wound in the spirit shall I leave this room. Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret? Too many fragments of the spirit have I scattered in these streets, and too many are the children of my longing that walk naked among these grasses, and I cannot withdraw from them without a burden and an ache. It is not a garment I cast off this day, but a skin that I tear with my own hands. Nor is it a thought I leave behind me, but a heart made sweet with passion and guilt. Yet I cannot tarry longer. The tomorrow that calls all things unto her calls me, and I must embark. For to stay, though the hours burn in the night, is to freeze and crystallize and be bound in a mould. Fain would I take with me all that is here. But how shall l? A voice cannot carry the tongue and the lips that gave it wings. Alone must it seek the ether. And alone and without his nest shall the eagle fly across the sun. Mood: determined Music: R Kelly: I believe i can fly

	2004.04.07  01.33 I'm confused..should the girl move up and see new things or stay there to ealize new things??!! Failing choices, fuller pace, longer waits In fears and factors runs a different calculus Tearing up time into surviving moments Moments those breathe despite the push to stay Naked as needs; more demanding than conforming Stay still to the holy hold – Papa told Tight. A coming storm will make you fall What falling when I am not moving at all? yet assured of storm by confusion of winds Safe idea of limb-supports in the iron rails my papa told. Transitions of freedom and some filling noises Of a clumsy insect sitting on skin Flapping time, role same as of a blink, Or as of heart beats; or as of generations. Casting sequences of old stories into new aspirations. Funny freedom between the switch of hands And infatuation of switching again and again Switch between shouting silences and dead rage People alighting from the same stairway – Carelessly. Some push me, I resist all. Flustered, but not moving much. Source of the crowds all unknown; destination too Curiosity made me loosen the hold just a bit Slid smoothly up the strange dimension Eye still catching up with the personal trail Atop, lanes meeting or leaving, following from the way I faced Back I descended to the middle of the stairs With possibilities girdling my nescient being Noticing my own voice coming back from the wall Realizing how your own voice never hurts your own ear Or that how your own face never looks wrong in the right mirror and its still incomplete.. Mood: artistic Music: no music..silence

	2004.02.27  02.57 Letter To my 'Half A Friend' A long time back a ‘Half a friend’told me, to always force out the first love off your life and the second finds would be best and would willingly stay too for life. And that was the time somewhere around ‘Techkriti02’. Not that odd that I reminded of it today when ‘Techkriti04’ saw its opening. And how then I used to do things for passion (the kind u read about in books)...of course like fiction, it couldn't be sustained. Times then had seen my intense passionate romantic involvement with every affair taken up. Two years of real life intrusion and I am talking about them as memories for almost all have celebrated anniversaries of requiem by now. As I talk about them, I have nothing left to say, no special tears to lighten me up or special smiles to soothe me through. But I do wonder, if for Ones the same passions were to face me again, taking form like human, would we have anything to say to each other but "what are ‘you’ thinking?” O well remembered 'Half a friend', I tried your deal. True that my new found passions are no longer thoughtless like first loves but lovers, very well reasoned. Also is also, when most if given the slightest of chance will even stay for life. But ironically enough, I only wanted my first love to stay for life. With these second bests, I might have third and fourth and infinite loves and no sooner I love them than I’m thinking of leaving them. Well Said he, but not completely!! Mood: numb Music: Natalie Imbruglia: An the perfect sky is torn..

	2004.02.23  19.35 Dylan's Look out kid! Hyper-complex, progenitor multi mood epic song "Subterranean Homesick Blues, is my chosen-to-be the guide to make any son i ever produce into a man. First I thought of 'IF..' Rudyard Kipling's precise attitude to adopt towards 'being a man', but early realization occured that 'If..' was not only apolitical but also incomplete. Don't we realize that putrescence we know today was simply non-existent in that century world. Perhaps if my son has gentic history non-conforming with Aliens i would like to teach him ways of this planet, and my chosen guide puts it so well.. "Ah get born, keep warm Short pants, romance, learn to dance Get dressed, get blessed Try to be a success Please her, please him, buy gifts Don't steal, don't lift Twenty years of schoolin' And they put you on the day shift Look out kid They keep it all hid....." It's not complex like Literature. Falls easy on the tongue enough to be rote by heart. Nothing like full life guide sort, just a handy reference point. It's like 'If.." was meant to make some Loui the King out of my little chubby baby... I just don't want him to grow up and out that way. Dylan's is the song we play to kids when they want to know what the coffee smells when you pay for it with perspiration. Plus that musical delight..he would already be appreciating art and music while listening to it. Key Lyrics again " Get sick, get well Hang around an ink well Ring bell, hard to tell If anything is goin' to sell Try hard, get barred Get back, write Braille Get jailed, jump bail Join the army, if you failed Look out kid You're gonna get hit But users, cheaters Six - time losers Hang around the theaters Girl by the whirlpool Lookin' for a new fool Don't follow leaders Watch the parkin' meters." My friends say: "When I am a Parent you will be first against the wall/With your opinions which are of no consequence at all." I say: "Everybody has an opinion. people make professions out of it. Most of it is white noise. It is not personal, OK? What liberates this Dylan guidebook from Kiplings imperial lesson is a sense of poetic and melodic humour - paranoid parents unwilling to raise android, The humanist things can be taught best with jokes - re, 'listen to this music piece first':if nothing else atleast it's funny!!:)." Mood: contemplative Music: Dylan: blues (Subterranean Homesick Blues)

	2004.02.22  21.58 Day of realization Around today, two realization of great importance have occured in my life: 1) realization of a constant urge of good food 2) and that of a need to get married to a well-to-do and educated family of high class(so i always have handsome cash to spill and not cry). One must remember that i am already 21 and only 2 months short of 22. It may be inferred de-facto i have already lived enuf life single. I am obviously dealing with a self who's maturation is both early and rapid. Can you not safely conjecture that migration from thoughts of food (which had once been primary but now one of the many important but declining priorities) to marriage (grandeur kept intact by the posibility of comfortable life provisions) is an important event in life of me-almost 22 year old, still not conjoined', who desperately needs material security, who is beginning to take career seriously, and who is yet to be recognized for any form of genius, if not by the court, at least by some of my important contemporaries(read crushes). As for marriage, in a predominantly male-orientated/wished/and-eventually-left India, no one expects me to take any lights,hints or even confessions seriously, so i don't. Today has, however marked the beginning of concern with material advancement that is to obsess me for the rest of my life. Mood: excited Music: Evanescence: Bring me to life