Nooo, I only removed his organs, I didn't MURDER him   
09:31pm 16/06/2005

Check it out, I'm a member of the Cap Squad. Bow before me and weep insolent mortals. This prestigious honor belongs only to the few, the proud, the mentally defunct. Plus I'm friends with the guy who owns the sight.
Dear Journal, what is wrong with me?   
09:14pm 16/06/2005
mood: crazy
music: I'M CRAZZAY!!!
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Vegas baby, yeah.   
05:29pm 16/06/2005
mood: dorky
music: Sublime - Doin time
Well I did it finally. I killed a hooker. My life-long dream of demoralizing a hooker, killing her for sport, stealing all her money, then dancing happily upon her corpse in full public view has been satisfied. Only in Las Vegas baby! The awesomest part is, instead of arresting or giving me a stern lecture on the destruction of Las Vegas property, they actually congratulated me on a job well done and gave me a ticket for a free slot pull! It seems they've been having some over-whoring, and since the whore I killed was Camerian Diaz, they said that was equal to killing like 500 whores. Well I pulled the slot machine, won 8 million dollaries and a couple hundred more sluts to kill, and partied it up with Jesus all weekend (He was the guy carryin ma bags). Jesus makes some damn good margaritas I must say.

After the partying, Me (that's right, I come first), Jesus, and all the dead hookers, rode the "Big Shot" bungee ride on top of the stratosphere for hours. It was so awesome! Until one of the hookers head's fell off and bit me on the nads mid-fall, that part blew salty balls. It took 3 hours to pry those botox-oozing monkey lips off my God salmon. Next we went and caught a show called "V". "V" was a variety show, a variety show being several random acts of performers selected from around Vegas to entertain me relentlessly, or look good naked as I imagine them thus. During the show, one of the magicians picked out a dead hooker buddy of mine to come up on stage and help out with a magic trick. Which isn't all that far-fetched since the main audience was now comprised of hundreds of slain floozies, handy-work of yours truly. I gotta tell you, watching that man stare in horror at the half-naked corpse before him was classic, the look on his face was PRICELESS!

It was at that moment the hooker hungrily gored the man, turning him ZOMBIE!!! Everyone started becoming zombies, lots of people died, the appocolpyse came, and long story short it was down to me and Elizabeth Hurley remaining to procreate the human race. Man I love my life.

(This is a true story, all of it. 100% fact. I have the Las Vegas T-shirt to prove it! I'll even post a photo of it on here if you bloody bastards don't believe me.)
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Depress the Care   
12:26pm 10/06/2005
mood: shitty
music: Nine Inch Nails - Somewhat Damaged
Leaping velvet black beneath a sky
The vermilion shy lithe dye
As if to be inconspicuous
When mutterings are not enough
She steals away cold shards to lie

Careful not to let it end
Ravaged, raped, the mind distend
Distant sores reach oily pools
Encompassing universal fools
That lie did not die

To hate the fear and loathe the hate
Pressure bows to some odd fate
Blue sowings from her eyes are lift
Love screams in pain as we open the rift
Left alone scattered,
Asking why

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My very own Tina the Troubled Teen   
12:02pm 10/06/2005
  Tina the Troubled Teen

Ahh I remember my days as a troubled teen... biting small children, slipping LSD into the holy water, using the blood of my basement-friendly sacrifical virgians to paint lascivious mutterings of the Lord Lucifer, and lest we forget, stealing candy from infants... Man those were the days.
Be Strong   
12:25pm 09/06/2005
mood: aggravated
music: Cake - I will survive
I wrote a song! It's obvious what it's about, I'm a little embarrassed though. I've finally decided to make it public. It hasn't been edited, I wrote it all in an hour-long sitting, so it isn't perfect. Enjoy,

Be Strong:

You tried to crush my heart
Rip apart my little dreams
I knew it from the start
That nothing's what it seems

How did that make you feel
when you said those words to me?
Knowing you weren't for real
Did my pain give you glee?

I hope you realize
Looking deep into my eye's
You've gotten more than you bargained for
I won't accept these fucking lies

"I wish I could trust you
But I said I will be strong
I can never trust you
It's too late to prove me wrong."

I may have been weak
In the past I'd fall apart
You never knew and never will
The true beating of my heart

My soul's for you no more
And yes this is DAMN hard
But you don't care you selfish whore
It's all a game, so what's the score?

"I wish I could trust you
But I said I will be strong
I can never trust you
It's too late to prove me wrong."

Now you think you can turn around
Everything will be fine
Not a word you say's profound
There's no keeping me in line

I'll say what needs to be said
I'll be a man so fucking strong
You'll wish that you were dead
Just as I did for so long

"I wish I could trust you
But I said I will be strong
I can never trust you
It's too late to prove me wrong."

I loved you and I cared
Had I reason to lie?
This whole thing makes me sick
I just wish it all would die.

"I wish I could trust you
But I said I will be strong
I can never trust you
It's too late to prove me wrong."

"I wish I could trust you
But I said I will be strong
I can never trust you
It's too late to prove me wrong."

I wish I could trust you

I can never trust you
06:10pm 08/06/2005

Your Mexican Name Is...

Don Jose

Oh yeah... kiss the cactus... that's right...
Mornings Suck, Unless you're a Super-Hero Black Cowboy...   
01:28pm 07/06/2005
mood: blah
This morning I had a dream. My initial first dream I don't really remember, all I do remember is that it was a nice dream and nothing was wrong with it. But when I went back to sleep, things decided to change, as they often do in the mornings for me.

I dreamt that I couldn't take it anymore, and I had to say or do SOMETHING to get closure on the whole thing with Melissa, so I went over to her house. The only people there were her 2 sisters, Milena and Michelle. They didn't really care either way about what was going on, but seemed sympathetic to me and acted like they thought the whole ordeal was ridiculous. Michelle told me a few things about Melissa, but nothing special that I remember. What I do remember, is that Milena came to me with this list that Melissa had comprised. A list of things that I would have to do or change about myself to be friends with her, and to be forgiven by her. I sat there and listened to the whole thing, and I don't really remember what was on the list, but I remember feeling very sad and frustrated. Why is she being so immature? Why, when she seemed to care so much and be there for me so much, is it so easy to turn around and crush me? Why can't she let things go, stop thinking about herself, and just be civil? The dream went on. I was so let down and so outraged, I wanted to see Melissa. I had to wait around for a while and come back, but I got to see her. This was a different person though, I didn't know this person. This wasn't the person that I once loved so much, even if she looked the same. She was wearing a business suite and looked very professional, in fact, unfeeling. In a commanding judicial tone, she read me the list again, and from then on everything gets hazey. I can't recall much. I remember us talking about it and trying to work it out, but she wouldn't have it. Inside I felt such hurt. I knew there was something beneathe her visage as well, but all I could feel was the immense pain beneathe mine. I was outraged, yet why did a part of me still feel like we could work things out? There is this strong sensation in me now that two halves are fighting within Melissa, what she was and what she is becoming. What she is becoming is awful, only time will tell which side wins.

Oh I should write about a NICE dream that I had! I had this one a few days ago. From what I can remember, I was back at my old High School. Only things were different; I was decked out in black cowboy garb, like I did last Halloween. I was wearing all black, a trenchcoat, 10-gallon hat, bad-ass knee high leather boots, leather chaps, the whole shibang. And everyone was in awe of me, though I couldn't figure out why. Everyone wanted to talk to me and be my friend, and I felt sorta like a real cowboy, though I was pretty shy about it. Later on I remember sitting up on top of one of the goal posts at the football field with a couple young beautiful ladies. One of them was actually a girl from my block that a friend of mine had a crush on, and she was comin after me. The funny thing is, I never thought a single dirty thought about this girl, and here she is rubbin up on me and goin for the goods. We start to kiss passionately, but something inside me says this isn't right. I push her away without a word, and jump down the 15 foot length with ease. It dawns on me that I have some world-saving to do, so I leap into the air and fly away. After arriving back in my lair, I begin working on powerful technological marvels to help save man-kind. The dream cuts off at about that point. Pretty cool huh? Super-Hero Black Cowboy Chris, I could do that...

So now I'm wondering something. I've had dreams before in the past that were very specific about something serious, like the dream I wrote about with Melissa. And every time the dream asserted itself into my memory like that, the event would happen. Sometimes exactly as the dream foretold, and usually the very next day. So does this dream foretell something to be? 95% of the dreams I have I remember nothing or very vague details, these dreams are far different. One thing that is surely unsettling: every time these dreams would have a strong emotional attachment, I would always recieve that attachment back 10-fold.
01:08am 06/06/2005
mood: quixotic
music: Earth Wind and Fire - Fantasy
I don't really have much to write. I got drunk a couple nights ago with Erika, Brandon, Tom, Christy, and Deneli, well not really drunk, but tipsy. Didn't even stay out that late. Not much happened, I had a good time and got along well with everyone. It was an interesting night...and...DAMN! I can't contain myself, it was surprising some of the things that were said. Deneli and Erika just so happen to be supposedly Melissa's best friends, and Erika is also one of my best friends. I didn't even bring up anything about Melissa, and guess what...they started in themselves! It wasn't bad-mouthing, and they weren't trying to take sides...but it was obvious they had sympathies for me, and even while we were DRUNK they were taking my side. They were actually surprised that anyone would say they were Melissa's best friends, not because they didn't think so, but the other way around... I cannot lie that I feel better about myself after hearing some things, but I do not take pleasure in things that may cause misery for others, no matter what the circumstances.
Well, not USUALLY....

Don't even need to get into it anymore, there are just a few simple things I have to say. I have realized that no matter what I do, as long as I believe in myself, I will get what I need. Not necessarily what I want, but what I need. Learning to understand the need, is the whole process of pain and pleasure that is life, and understanding can take a very long time. All that matters is to be satisfied with myself, and to live in the present. Makes no difference the scars of my heart, or the state of my mind. When I trust in myself, I know that I will do the right thing. It isn't a perfect a equation, but life isn't fucking perfect.

I know life is going to throw me more hurdles and blind-side me with hordes of ninjas and rib-cracking kung-fu action. So I'll just crouch low into my defensive stance, arm's lofted and poised for precision, eternally prepared to fight to the death for love, life, and honor. Yeah, it may not sound so profound to you Mr/Mrs. reader, but kung-fu fuckin rocks. Hell yeah bitch. Don't mess with the dojo.

The path does not seem so arduous and so painful anymore.
09:44pm 02/06/2005
mood: melancholy
music: VnV Nation - Rubicon
Praying for myself.
These thoughts I try to hide.
I have faith in me and hope this will survive.
But it's tearing me apart.
I can't hear the words by which I guide.
So I must ask again who will carry me.

I will not deny that nothing can defend
from the helplessness that's cutting deep inside,
and I can't prevent the thought that nothing's real.
Seems I've waited years for this day to end.

The strength I need to feel, the pride inside of me,
Are not there behind the face staring back at me.
The anger and the pain of knowing where I am.
I have come so far and I cannot return.

Nothing I can do that I have not done.
No words I can say. No truth left that I can see.
So must I let this end so everything falls apart.
Before I live my life as I have always done.

Tell me what to do so I do nothing wrong.
Something I can hope for. Something real that I can see.
So nothing falls apart. So that it does not end.
I cannot return. I can't start again.

VnV Nation - Rubicon

I went to an art exhibit today with Belinda, Jessica, and Tim. It wasn't a huge exhibit, becuase it was free. The museum is under construction, so I guess they figure no one would want to pay much anyway. There were some pretty cool things we got to see though, and one piece of artwork blew every single one of us away. At first when you walk up the stairs to the second floor, you see it in the back of the room, appearing as a massive abstract black&white painting. But as you move in closer, you realize it is 3-Dimensional. An enormous cube shape, but the art was hardly cubicle. Hundreds, possibly even thousands, of pieces of debris were used from a Church destroyed by lightning in Lytle, Texas. They were hung from translucent strings, varrying sizes, shapes, and orientations. All coming together in a still frame of ordered chaos. It looked as though the church itself had exploded, or possibly had begun to reform itself, in that very spot. This artist had frozen a moment in time for us to view at our liesure, and it was an awesome privelage. There were few other works of art that compared to this one.

Unfortunately, afterward when Jessica and Tim, very nice people by the way, had left... DAMNIT. I started to feel depressed again. I'm not sure what triggered it, seeing a couple maybe, or just the solitary feeling after people leave you maybe. Maybe Belinda's hair did it... JUST KIDDING BELINDA! AAAH DON'T HATE ME! I CANNOT HELP MYSELF!
It sucks. Blah. No poetry needed here, it just fucking sucks a fat dick. I never want to feel depressed, and I honestly try really hard to push it back. It's to be expected for the next few months I guess, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Everytime I think I have overcome the hurdle, the true path is revealed. A long arduous route filled with painful obstacles. I may feel great the moment my head hits the pillow, but almost every morning I awake to a stark emptiness. A reliving of everything cut deep in my heart. I may work it out, do something useful, talk to people, let it go... but every night I drift into sleep, I am met with this dread... it is unfair, but I can't complain... there's just nothing to be done. Time heals all wounds they say, so patience is my only sanity these days. That and my friends, thanks alot guys, you have no idea how much you help :)
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Brain meat   
12:24am 01/06/2005
mood: satisfied
"Pain is simply the difference between what is and what I want to be."

Spencer Johnson, "The Prescious Present"-
02:30pm 31/05/2005
mood: indescribable
I can't write much poetry anymore, in fact I havn't done much of ANYTHING creative in such a long time. These copious amounts of feces hitting fans is really starting to piss me off. I don't trust myself to be creative lately because I am afraid. I am afraid that it's all going to have to do with her. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY HEAD!!!

Okay, I'll give it a try...

Fret with pain
but, and yet, why sustain?
is all this pain
Insubstantial leaves below a tree?

Positive thinking, I digress
dwindling to less
a red rose smeared upon broken mass,
Jet-black beneath a lie.


Must everything be met with teeth?
Grazing, biting, scrathing, fighting

Ever winding, Ever spiraling
around my mind it goes.
Then what, why, who...
Were there ever any foes?

Now quickly
Let it go, just let it go
the soul replies to and fro
A battered love, A smothered child.

Set it all free

I kinda sound like a whiney goth... *shudders*
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great night!   
12:15pm 31/05/2005
mood: good
Last night I hung out with my friend Brandon again. At first it was kind of boring, and he screwed around on the internet and we listened to his brand of music, Juggalo. Which most of it, although pretty fucking hilarious most of the time, now bores me. I used to be a fan, and even called myself a juggalo, but I've grown out of it... they're just fucking entertainers, too many kids these days take that shit far too seriously and don't realize that the band members don't go running around shooting everyone, raping everything in sight, practicing dark magic, coming back from the dead, etc... etc... It's all a fucking act people, most of the time they spend moving about the world producing/performing new albums. If they're not doing that, they're sitting on their asses drinking Faygo and smoking weed.

Things didn't suck though. I got my mind off of bullshit, and I got to meet his new girlfriend, Latishia I think was her name... it was a hard name to remember. She's really nice, although already I don't think her and Brandon are meant for each other. The reason I say this is because they are already seriously thinking about marriage...after 2 months of dating...yeah. nuff said.
I was only expecting to be there a few hours, but I ended up staying there from 2pm-11pm. We played dice, shutes and ladders, talked, acted like dumb asses. His 8yr old nephew, Travis, came over and although that kid is an annoying little brat most of the time, he can be stupendously funny. I played with him for a long while, and then we all played monopoly. Jesus this kid has luck. The whole game he raped us for cash, and laughed in our faces as he ground us into the dirt. I was losing horribly, as usual with monopoly, but only because I'm unlucky. For instance, the first five rolls I had, I landed on someone else's property. Yet somehow, in the end it concluded with me and Travis, head to head. Brandon and his girlfriend couldn't take the heat, and they both quit eventually. I was so fucking amazed because I NEVER get this far in monopoly!!! I always quit! I ended up with 3/4 of the properties, and the second best ones in the game, plus all 4 railroads. But travis had boardwalk and parkplace, and a few other nice things, with hotels to boot. I actually had a chance, but whadya know, the second roll I have after Brandon and his GF leave, lands me on parkplace. $1500. I quit. I shook hands with the little man, congratulated him for a job well done, then proceeded to beat him over the head with a foam bat. Hey! He did way worse to me! This kid likes to go for the nuts... (Please God don't let anyone take that sexually, if so, I ask that you provide them with impotency).

All in all it was a great night, and both Travis and Latishia seemed to really like me. I like them too 8]. This brings up something interesting I've been hearing alot lately from people. Alot of folks are saying that I am great with kids, as I am much a kid myself, and that I not only would make a great father, but I could even pursue a career path about this. I'm not sure what to think about all that... but I would love to take care of kids, I love kids. They can be a real pain in the ass sometimes, but they're worth it.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot a hilarious happening of the night! While we were setting up the board to play monopoly, Brandon accidently knocked over a plant, spilling dirt all over the floor in the process. Immediately Travis began to laugh and call Brandon a stinky butt, and somehow got on the subject of me eating dirt. I sensed an opportunity here, to not only teach this kid a possible lesson, but to make some bank in the process >:) I let him go on, and sure enough, he said he would pay me to eat dirt. And seriously folks, I didn't egg this kid on at all, I could see the devious look in his eyes, he wasn't even willing to pay me and I knew it, little bastard...
So I said, "Okay I'll eat dirt if you pay me monopoly money, how much are you willing to pay?"
"1 dollar!" he says.
Haha... "Hmmm... let me think... NO."
"Okay, 2 dollars!"
Alright alright, enough of this little man, "Alright, bets off. Someone's getting cold feet, I don't want to do it anymore."
"OKAY FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS!" Hehehe, that got him. Just like reelin in a fish...
"So you'll pay me five hundred dollars to eat dirt?"
"DEAL!" I said, little did he know my DEVIOUS plan!!! MWAHAHAHAH! Next we had to establish a third-party to insure a smooth transaction, so the five hundred dollar bill was placed in the hands of one "Latishia." With everything in place, I proceeded toward the newly replaced plant. Confidently plucking 2 tiny grains of dirt, I tossed them into my mouth and chewed. Immediately Travis began a protest.
So I stuck out my tongue and showed the little man, two pieces of dirt. Everyone began to nod and smile, now my evil plan has unfolded!
"But thats not fair!..." Travis began to protest.
"Hey... you failed to specify specific details Travis, now you've learned a harsh lesson in life. Always pay attention when money is on the line, and ALWAYS cite the details."
From here on he began to get desperate, grabbed the money out of Latishia's hand, and we all went through a long song and dance with him trying to get him to realize how important one's word is. In the end I didn't get my five hundred dollars, and I'm fine with that, because I know he learned at least one lesson that night. I, being the bank in the game, could have withheld change from him until the full debt to the bank was payed, or simply allowed interest to accrue every turn until he payed off his five hundred dollar debt+interest, but he's just a little kid so I let it go. At least now he'll think twice before jumping into a bet, and I'll think twice before betting with an 8yr old... mmmm... tastey dirt tho.

Something interesting, Brandon's mom, who I've known just as long as Brandon, told me she always disliked Melissa. She actually said that I was too good for her. I didn't really think alot about it, because honestly I don't want to think about her anymore. Of course I still do without control, but last night was so great. The whole time was spent doing and talking about things that had nothing to do with Melissa. I felt so free! So... good. It has been almost a month now since she used me for the last time, and it is still hard. Yet every day, I realize more and more, how worthless it is to worry about her, and how much better off I am without her. Some things about her were great, and I will never forget the good times. A part of me will always love her, but she just isn't worth it. Not now, and maybe never. Someday I hope I can change that maybe...

I still don't want it to end bitterly like this. A part of me still hopes that we will talk about what truly went on when we get over it, and that maybe we can be friends if she's not being an awful bitch and appologizes to me. Damn that sounds stupid, oh well.

(I like the moooose.)
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Now is the time   
01:26am 30/05/2005
mood: complacent
Well, I hung out with my friend Brandon tonight. Haven't seen the bastard in months, but I've known him for years. It was an interesting rendevous to say the least, we almost got into a fight! With other people!

We were walking through the park, just talking about alot of things, and some ass-holes started yelling lame ass insults, well actually it was only one insult. They called Brandon a "fag," so apparently he is gay, I had no idea! Wow... my friend, who I've known for 6 years, is gay, and I HAD NO IDEA!!!... ok no more sarcasm, anyway we decided to see what the fuck was going on. At first when we got there, we didn't know who the hell the people were, it was obviously a guy and a girl making out. Before Brandon even said anything, I got the suspicion that it may be his ex-girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, Noel, that he recently broke up with several months ago. And whatya fuckin know, it was. She was obviously trying to make him jealous, and they were acting like they didn't say anything. Fucking noodges, we knew it was them. Her boyfriend was such a maroon, he made an absolute fool of himself. He told Brandon he needed to stop calling Noele, and he pulls out a dinky two-inch knife and just sits there. Oblivious to the fact that neither of us would care about being scratched with a toothpick. I also found it funny that Brandon had only called Noele two times in the past months, and she comes out with an, "Oh baby, put that away." As if he's wielding a fucking man-hewing broadsword for choppin down tree's in the deep Amazon, but also useful for defending the fair maidens from the giant overpowering ducks of the park.

I must say, I wanted to beat this little boy senseless out of pure general principal. It is my belief that idiots should be shot on sight, and I was simply offering to lend a had in lessening the suffering of this dreadfully unintelligent soul. I was actually really proud with Brandon though. We could have easily beaten the living shit out of this pathetic boy-toy, but he finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth it. On a serious note, I believe that violence never solves anything, and I know I wouldn't have really done anything unless it was needed, but times like these make me wish sometimes that I was a violent person...

God I hope Melissa doesn't pull shit like that with me. Although by the time she does, I may not even care anymore. I'm finding myself not really caring about the situation more and more everyday, whether I talk about it or not. Brandon told me he never liked Melissa much, and she would flirt with guys behind my back. No surprise there. Who gives a fuck, they can have her. It's still not going to be that easy I know. I still catch myself looking out the windows and doors, expecting to see her there... I still check my e-mail and caller ID, hoping to see her there... I still even think of contacting her sometimes. But of course she is never there, and I won't allow myself to give in.

It's time to start something new. I'm not sure what, there's alot of things I could do to occupy my time...but whatever I do, now is the time. There are too many memories I have to get over or forget, it's time to make some new ones.
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first edition to this journal   
12:39pm 29/05/2005
mood: determined
music: "Just keep on dancing" Gwen Stefani
Hi journal. Um... there are shit-loads of things I could write about, but those are already in my previous journal, and I am far too lazy to start over again. I'll just start with a general overview. About a month and a half ago, me and my girlfriend of 1 year and 3 months, Melissa, broke up. It was the longest relationship I have ever had, and I loved that girl more than anything else. We still wanted to be friends, and I regreting breaking up with her, but she was an absolute bitch to me. We'd been fighting for the past few months, and it just wasn't worth it anymore. It ended with her sending me a viscious hate mail about something she just needed to seriously fucking let go. It showed no love, only anger, and she even called me names in it. Considering both sides said we still cared and loved each other, we decided to stay friends and try and wait for each other while we became independent and focused on finishing things up in our own lives, since we weren't doing that in the relationship. This girl has always told me the sweetest, most loving things in the world. She told me she would wait for me no matter what, that she wanted no other man, that she was loyal to me, that she loved me.

So of course already you can tell that SOMETHING is going to go wrong. Well, first of all, we didn't act like friends. We were still intimate, still lovey-dovey sometimes, still had sex...God was that such a stupid thing to do. I was the mediator of the whole thing, I said specifically that we needed to give it time and do none of these things, but unfortunately I have a penis. When a girl I am extremely attracted to, that I've been having sex with for years, puts the charm on me, it is very hard to resist. I won't lie, It's also my fault, but I did resist it many times.

Now before I continue on, I have to cite the fact that earlier while we were going out, I found out that she had lied to me about several things. I, being a very sympathetic and forgiving person, took the gullible dumbfuck route and gave her more chances. Love makes you do stupid things they I wonder if even half the beautiful things I heard in the relationship were true, or if everything was just her telling me, or even herself, what we wanted to hear. Not the truth.

Eventually while we were trying to be friends, I took the opportunity of going on vacation to visit family up in Vermont for a week 1/2. Before I had left I had found out about another lie, and I was very pissed. We were actually going to have sex before I left, but after that I didn't want to go anywhere near her. She kept sending me e-mails everyday, and I wouldn't reply for a long time, until finally I decided I might as well say something. Long story short we started becoming friendly again. She tells me she can't live without me, she can't stand not being with me, life is dull and depressing without my company, and that she still really wants to be with me. I try to just talk seriously with her, but I will admit, she knows what to say to crack through my shell. Eventually when I got back from vacation, we were scheduled to meet each other that night when I got back. She blew off a friends birthday party to come visit me, and we got very intimate. Before we did though, I had to ask her face to face if she had ever been unfaithful to me since I had known her. She said, "No I have not, and I never will." We lied in bed and talked for hours afterwards, no sex because it was that time of the month, and everything seemed fine.

Everything was not fine. The next day or so me, her, and a couple friends decided to hang out. She wanted to go kareoking (sp?) but none of us really did. Even though I didn't want to, I told her that I would, but my stomache was hurting at the time, so we decided to watch a movie. I told her if I felt better afterward, I would probably go. When the movie was over, my stomache was better, but I was tired and just didn't feel up to singing like an idiot in front of hundreds of people I don't know. She pulled a little psycho bitch ex-girlfriend number that she's been doing quite often now, and tried to start a fight with me. I just wouldn't give her what she wanted, I listened to enough to know that it would go nowhere, and basically told her to leave. She was very pissed, but everyone agrees with me that she had no right to be, even her own friends and family. It seems that lately everyone is agreeing with me on this...

The next day while I'm out, when I come back home I found out that she has called and asked for the number of a friend that can only mean bad news. This is a pathetic loser, ugly, egotistical, drug-using, drug-dealing, etc. etc. etc. ex-friend of mine. Since I never want to do or be around drugs again, I decided to stop associating with this person. The next day I found out that she is going to hang out with him. Just him and her. This is a guy that she has never hung out with alone, claimed to not even like, and has not been more than aquaintances with. Naturally I started freaking out, I have had many dreams and many intuitions throughout this relationship, and after this whole experience, I've found that every single one has been right. Most of them I smothered or ignored, but this one stuck with me too hard. I knew she was going to "cheat" on me, thought its not technically cheating because we weren't technically going out, but it techni-fucking-ally hurts just as bad since it took her two days to go from loving me loyally, to fucking the biggest loser ex-friend I have. I found out about alot of what was going on by sheer coincidence that I had been hanging out with a friend of mine that is also a friend of hers, and overheard and was told alot of what was going on.

I have written alot on this subject... and I don't really want to relive it. Lets just say that she lead me into a trap, and I blew up. I couldn't take the pressure, and she pounced on me. As if our love meant nothing, she tore my heart to bits, and smeared them all over the walls. She tried to fuck my friend, but he was a virgian so it didn't work even though they tried real hard I'm sure, and apparently she wanted to try again. She lied and hid things from me the whole time, and over the past month I've been finding out more and more awful things about this person I once loved so much. She is manipulative, even to her friends and family. She is an untrustworthy, unloyal person, and has no true friends. It helps alot that so many people take my side on this, it's only natural to take sympathy for the used and abused person I guess. But oh God, it hurts so bad... I have never felt so much sadness and anger in my life. She was my sweetheart, my one and only, the angels would sing when her lips met mine...

For a long time now I've cried every day, or every other day. I've wanted to hurt something, break something, scream, and even have a couple times. It's been like a rollercoaster of emotion, which let me tell you...I KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE. I am "Bi-Polar," meaning that my emotions can change without will, happy, sad, angry, many times I wouldn't know what I was going to feel each day throughout my life. Recently I have gotten on some new medication though, and I can tell it has finally begun to work. Although this pain and anger is far more excrutiating and unlike any I have experienced in the past, throughout this whole thing I havn't given in and freaked out or gone into a depression once. I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF! I cannot begin to describe how amazing this is for me... Melissa may be changing for the worse, but I am changing for the better. Normally if something like this happened, I would go through a break-down and either lie around doing nothing for a very long time, feeling dreadful all the while, or I'd flip out and scream and punch something solid, usually resulting in alot of pain for myself later on. The later happens very rarely, the former is more frequent. I would rather have neither ever again.

Melissa has changed. I now look at her as my first love, but love no longer. Though I still love and care for her, I am trying to vent it out of my system any healthy way I can. She is not that same person any longer. For instance, she gave me a present a week ago, and actually had her nephew drop it off while she eavesdropped to the side of my door. I took it of course, utter curiousity, but nkew that whatever it was, I couldn't accept it. When I finally got the chance to return it to her, I showed her no emotion. I would not talk to her about anything specific, unless I felt it very important, I would not accuse anything, yell, cry, call names, question. Nothing. My intuition told me that she would want a confrontation, that she would throw a fit, cry, beg for sympathy, threaten to commit suicide, maybe even grovel at my feet. Throughout our relationship, she has chased after me so many times, most of the time it would have been better if she had just let things go, so don't think that I'm just being a bigoted male. And guess what... She did them all practically. She called me names, she screamed, she harped for sympathy, she threatened suicide, she came up with oh so many excuses, many relating to the fact that she loves me, she threw the promise ring I gave her (as if she hadn't stabbed my wounded heart enough), and I closed the door on her, and she came back twice. When she finally stormed out of there after calling me a cold-hearted bastard, I took it upon myself to call her Mother and let her know that her daughter was walking home in a rage after threating to commit suicide (not to mention both I and her friend had offered her a ride), and suggested she go pick her up. Because UNFORTUNATELY I FUCKING TELL THE TRUTH WHEN I SAY I CARE ABOUT SOMEONE.

The funny thing is, she only must do one thing for my forgiveness. One simple thing that she may never do. Appologize. Just a sincere, through the eyes, "I'm sorry." This may seem undeserved, but I'll tell you right now that it would take a looong time even for us to just be friends right now, and I would never date her again after she has shown how much she truly cares about my heart. Appology or not. Not to mention, she has trouble appologizing, and alot of the time I had to force it out of her.

That's about it up to this point, at least that's enough of it. Many things I will not allow myself to write, for writing them once has caused and relieved enough pain.

Phases. I'm going through phases. So much anger, some sadness, then so much sadness, some anger. It is very hard to let go, to move on. Everything I see harkens to memories of true happiness, now drenched in agony. My dreams tell of the things I won't allow to surface, she is in my dreams constantly. So much love and yet so much hurt. Never can I accept this horrid person, yet the gullible side fights to the bitter end. I must be strong, I am strong. This is not true love, this is not what I want, what I need. Why even give her an ounce of thought? She deserves nothing from me. Nothing.

HOORAY!!! TODAY WHEN I WOKE UP.... I realized... MELISSA WAS NOT IN MY DREAM!!!! This is the FIRST DREAM I have had in MONTHS, that is void of that demoness. For so long all day, all I could think about, was her and what happened. For so long, all that I dreamt about, was her and what happened. I'm not even going to talk about my dream because it was so fricken wierd, but the important thing is... NO MELISSA!!!!

*does a little jig*

(By the way, the reason for the current music isn't that I listened to this song, but that it is in my head. Music is constantly going through my head, and my brain is an emotionally selective juke-box.)