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30th April 2004
*insert subject here*
Well, my migraine has been unbearable today and Adam is nowhere to be found, online anyhow. I got talking with an online friend today and actually got called*gasp*HOT! So, it finally happened. The one thing, well numerous things actually, I never thought would be used to describe me finally happened. I'm resigned to the fact that I am pretty or *god forbid im gonna gag*Cute....but no one has ever described me as hot or beautiful or gorgeous. That just isnt me I guess....... :
But onto more important things...actually, I have no clue what to write. My mind is a vapid blank and at the same time the thoughts and feelings keep swirling around. What a contradiction. So, the sadness has yet to wear off. But something odd has hit me. The realization that I let other people's strengths shadow my own perception of mine. It seems to emphasis my weakness' to myself and I feel inferior to them. That cant be healthy. I guess I am just tired of not being seen for who I am and taken for granted for that very thing. And now is the end of the bitchfest.........
I had a great idea for a new book to write, though I havent finished the other four or even started a million others. I get so inspired by the strangest things. That time it was Lord of the Rings(I want to live there!). The time before it was The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath. The time before it was walking under the full moon in the cemetary.......the list continues to grow.......
Now that I am just rambling, i'm going to feed my canasta addiction and hope that I get to talk to Adam before I pass out! Bright Blessings!
p.s. nekkid pagan swimmin time with my grrl is almost here!
Current Music: shoutout:bran rocks my socks with his tired ass!
27th April 2004
It has been way too long
I haven't written in here in soooo long. I had a dream where I was walking amongst my friends and as they cast their glances my way, not even a glint of recognition in their eyes. I can't shake the feeling of being taken for granted by them. How is it that you go from being the center of a person's world to being a faint memory. I always wished there was that one person who would think of me as a wistful dream. That I was that person they had a great longing for, like a white, swirling mist that would tug on their hearts. I know it was just wishful thinking on my part. :
I know I touch everyone in some way that has known me but for all I try to give and be for them, I end up the loving doormat or a used pile of waste. I can list off the top of my head how every friend I have had impacted me, though many of them dont feel the same. I doubt any of you will read this but in case, even if you aren't listed I do care for you, regardless of your actions or lack of, your words, events. None of that matters because I feel how I feel regardless. For example, Megyn. There are countless ways she has shaped me into who I am. If not for her, I wouldn't have realized you could have an unexplainable bond with someone else, the type you only read about and wish for. Romanticaly speaking, that still remains to be seen. Even the jerks in my life have shown me how unbreakable I am. Most of which would have turned me entirely cynically(im only 90% there) have shown me they can't take my faith or hope away. Dvae has shown me that regardless of the horrible things that can happen to ruin a friendship,like a relationship, we were stronger than that. He gave me faith that it doesnt have to ruin the foundation that got you to the relationship along with it. Chris for showing me the capacity people have even at a great distance. If it weren't so painful, I would clarify on that but I can't. So, onto more pleasant examples,lol. Jorden taught me that there can be rare pearls of people who aren't as terrible as this world we now know can be. If not for Adam, I would have never understood how important it is sometimes to look behind the act, peer behind the masks people wear bc looks are deceiving. Especially showing me to look behind my own. I could go on all day but I think I have made my point.
So, then if they touched me in so many profound ways, did I do anything for them in return?? Why was I so easy to cast aside? Was I so much as a pile of dust blown away by the enterance of someone knew and better, their steps asthey walked over my heart creating a spiral of motion, blowing my out of the picture? If someone is my friend, it isnt something I take lightly. I would sincerely give my life and all I had for a true friend. And I have shown so many times that those arent just words.
So, I continue to swirl amidst the cast aside, to never rest until I can fill a temporary void for someone until the inevitable casting out of my existance in their life. I wish for once, someone..ANYONE..would remove the mask and tell me in plain english how it is. It is no wonder I keep my heart off my sleeve and not reveal too much of my feelings and myself. I cannot bear to have them trampled yet again. The fear becomes me, shoving what little optimism and hope I still have at the good nature people can possess to the background. With my confetti'ed heart already super glued beyond recognition, I can't afford not to at this point. I wonder if anyone else knows the depth of the pain I feel inside. I wonder if anyone else knows what it even remotely feels like to be me. I once described my depression so accurately that I still stand by it today.....It is like rying, but the tears roll down the inside,where no one can see......behind my mask, but if you look into my eyes, so expressive they cannot be veiled..you will see me there. You will see a reflaction of your pain,my pain, the pain you have caused.....the pain I cause myself. But without the relief of a god cry, it dwells, swirls, building into an inferno of pain and sadness. Lving with the memories coursing through my veins, filling them to full with no room for anything else..the only release to give temporary room is a kind heart and a sincere love.....which I have yet to find but fleetingly. That is what it is like to be me, partially. No one will ever know the whole truth. I ask one thing of anyone who reads this......next time you see that person, wearing a cleverly placed mask upon their face, still your mind and feel them with your heart. Look into their eyes and reveal the truth. It is there if you only stop and truely with a pure heart long to find it............
Current Music: the sound of my silent tears
19th February 2004
military men vs poor excuses for them (i.e.G.I.'s)
I came to a realization today. If there is one person who is responsible for the little faith you have in love, people, and the issue of trust.....what happens when that person fails you? I only ask this of you because that is exactly what happened to me. :
Leading us from there, where do you go and what actions do you take when you know the outrageous and absurd things this person speaks to you are fake. False, you know in your heart. I couldn't tell you........
The person who has always valued your body and your mind now says they wish to have nothing to do with you. They let an idiotic, immature friend belittle your intelligence, as if they knew the first thing about you. And seeing how the two people involved know each other better than most people know another person, it is absurd that things would come to that. A person who makes you feel two feet tall and worthless is not a soulmate..........
My intuition rarely if ever fails me so I trust in my heart that this isn't real. In the sense that it happened is the only reality to it. I know it is fake, an temporary illusion, just like the person you have become. I care not to know this person from what I have seen. Perhaps you will never snap out of it and as much as it kills me....I refuse to stick around and take any more. One of us has to stand up for me and not let me being treated unjustly and unfairly. Why does that person always have to be me???
What do you tell yourself when the one concrete and unshakable thing in your existance is ripped out of your life, like your heart is ripped out of your chest, laying on the ground as nothing more than a bloody mass of fleshy confetti. what do you do when you know by the tone of the persons voice that their resolve in their decision is shaking, that it is not truely thier will but an influence so wretched but from a distance nothing can be done? When you know your worth and that by far it is their loss? But none of that helps during the loathing process.
How do you tell your heart to not cry a thousand tears for what was the most important thing in your life? What you thought was the most important to them as well? Just when I thought my trust issues couldn't possibly get worse, they have. If you of all people could do this, there is no one left in the world to trust. The only person I never questioned my love for, my trust for, my relationship with does the unthinkable and unimaginable. The one thing we both swore it would never come to.
I thought you hoped we would never fail. I thought you said this was real, true without a doubt. I thought you said you hoped I would never not want to be in some form of contact, or relationship with you. But we never mentioned ou being that person.......
I have so much more to say, to ask, to think.....but all I can do is cry until my heart has had enough for th time being and hope you stop hiding the truth inside yourself and come to your senses. But by then, you might have done too much damage.......
Current Mood: heartbroken
Current Music: the sound of my cracking heart
15th February 2004
I've succeeded in not only spiraling my life down the drain but other people's as well. Why is it when the last thing I want to do is hurt someone, I end up doing just that. It's a rare occurance but even that often is too often for me. Maybe if my head was on straight and I listened to my intuition a little better I wouldn't be in half of the predicaments I find myself in....... :
So, where to go from here? I haven't a clue but I have been just throwing myself into working and writing to avoid the depression and the guilt. For someone with such potential, I sure don't get very far. I guess that is what happens when you lack motivation. I need a release......
I sit and preach about all the things I stand for and the things I beleive in...morals.....values......standards....and yet I did not live up to them myself. Hypocritical, which in my eyes is one of the worst things to be. I always say follow your heart but this time I didn't. My intuition fell unto deaf ears.....
With all that said, I'm going to attempt to numb my pain until it is unbearable and I have no choice but to take action........
Current Music: Silence deafening me til my ears bleed....
12th February 2004
I miss chris:/
Well, today started off just lovely. I awoke from a tormenting dream of my friends being dead and visiting me. I wanted so much to be dead too but I couldn't die and I wouldn't commit suicide. They seemed to have moved on from me and didn't care all that much. I was crying when I woke up, which is a first for me. I just couldn't seem to stop the outpouring of emotion or shake that aweful feeling all day. What a way to start the day....... :
I have the next three days off in a row. So much to do, so little time or I lack the motivation. This sounds self-loathing, which I guess it kind of is but I wish for once I liked my life. I'm very tired of despising my own existance. One second I'm relatively fine, the next i'm almost in tears. No, it's not that time of month either, but nice try....
I had another dream in which I went to Alabama to see Chris, but he was very hot and cold with me and the dream left me feeling empty and sad, much like most of the other things in my life. Being a depressive is starting to get really tiredsome......
Before I make myself feel any worse, if that is at all possible, i'll end this with a single thought........thoughts are things.....that is something I should be more aware of myself.........
Current Music: Taroot:Mine
7th February 2004
I can't think of anything good to put here except that I am the typo queen!
Not to mention that I have an astounding lack of spacebar usage.... :
So, it has been awhile since I have updated this. I've been taking a stand in my own defense alot in my personal life, which everyone likes to advise me to do. But, wait...there's a catch. Not when it's them I'm standing up to.*side note...I have just been instructed by bran to update this* He rules. I got a creepy email I sent to everyone of htis ghost in a picture. It was quite disturbing to look at.
I'm finding it hard to come up with witty, cynical commentary to put in here. What a let down......
At the very least i'm being more productive in some areas of my life and my orgasm is no longer MIA, which is reassuring. I wonder just how many people read this thing of mine......since no one makes COMMENTS!*yes, that was a hint and not a very subtle one for those of you whose grey matter functions on a completely neccessitative level*
with that in mind I leave you with a witty, cynical comeback for the neandrathals who think the only thing worth fighting with is a fist and not your mind or a sharp object to inject their lives with slow and painful, yet creative torture......* I was just pondering ways to cause you bodily harm with a broken, disheveled toothpick with the remaining brain cells I have after your vapid mind psychically drained them from me to do a simple task such as wiping your own ass*
This has been a failed attempt at amusement by your very own relli
Current Music: Wish you were here...Pink Floyd
23rd January 2004
the 411 on the inner workings of my twisted thought patterns
Well, time for an update. Dave says he is almost positive that he is going into the reserves at the end of next month. I sincerely want him to do what is best for him, even if it screws me over in the process. I guess i'm just feeling hurt and resentful, perhaps even sad. Though that is not a new emotion for me...... :
If I was the type I guess I could throw all I have done for him back in his face. But, i'm not that person. I could throw back in his face all that I have endured, all that I have felt, and all I will always feel. Yet again, i'm not that person. It hurts me the most based on the fact that I sacrificed so much for him. I endured so much. He was my first for many things and you cannot erase someone like that from your mind, no matter how hard you pretend that you can. Everyone has a weakened soul inside, a fragile twinge of being cased inside the stone wall we all place as an obstacle to try to deter the unsuspecting off your trail. One day that plan might fail.
I feel sadness as if the past few years were a timeless era that I can never return to. When things could be so good and full of fullfillment and the few positively felt emotions that are rare in my existance. No matter how strong I am or unforgiving or stone hearted....I cannot erase the fact of my sentimentality. Let's give a pause as the blistering heat of your swift blade yet again enters what is left of my hope, my heart, my love......my soul.......
What I should be feeling is more anger. The one thing I shall forever throw in your face, the single item that though at times I play down and belittle to even myself, the one thing you will never live down that is forever branded into my mind is the fact that the one I had loved, that I had given my virginity to......the most sacred thing I had possession of.......had thrown it away treating me as no more than a whore. A physical specimen to use as you saw fit.....to degrade....to defoul.......to rip the very innocence and purity of myself as a sexual person as many had done the very same thing to me......the last remaining smoldering embers to be distinguished....by you. I had no preconceived notion that the task would be finished by you of all people.......But we learn new things everday now don't we?
You used it as you saw fit, used me in more than a sexual sense as you saw fit.......well, rest assured I am no longer your doormat, nor anyone elses. I want to cry out with pain and frustration.....let the tears mingle with the blood down my face.....but I cannot do either...you killed that part of me that was my outlet for my pain......I can only fester and boil at this point.....place my mask high upon my face and smile when the pain of your illusive care tears a hole through what remains of who I am........your love died a long time ago, as did mine. And yet you questioned me when I yanked the control from your grasp........
The only thing left that I can say besides the million turmoiled emotions left roiling around in the pit of my diseased stomach...or perhaps the million of anguish filled final goodbyes I have had planned to utter to you should anything like this ever happen...............but I won't do any of the such......
My only parting words to you and anyone who dares cross my path in your manner again are this.........you can torture me, use me, defile me, degrade me, abuse me, take me for granted, anything conceivable but...
YOU SHALL NEVER BREAK ME!
Current Music: the inner dialogue of my anguished soul
13th January 2004
Sara is in the hizouse
Sara is here at my house o the skankin'ness....I still havent talked to raim and I had today and tomorrow off but whatever. Amanda ditched us, that illegitamate child. Sara rocks my socks. She's readin this and laughin bc shes a sub slut like that. This is a whole lot of meaningless, pointless insanity, for crying outside. Um.....*hey little sister what have you done* Lata ho
Current Music: BillyIdol-white wedding
11th January 2004
I love this song......she was like uggghhh.....and i was like yeah, whateva.......so yeah, i'm making a tape from sara's cd's. I just love her. I'm supposed to be writing but the creative juices just aren't flowing. Ce la Vie, or however you spell it. I took spanish, alright. So, I found out I have tuesday and wednesday off. Babble Babble Babble. Things are at least starting to look up...if only I could work on my many irrational emotions that I have lately. I decided to blame it on my rag......with that in mind, this is the end. ~**~*~relli~*~*~
Current Music: pretty girl-sugar cult
7th January 2004
Ode to my Ho
Well, Jenny passed away on friday. I'm so numb and confused about it. It just doesn't seem real. How chaotic life can get.........why was her's taken away? She was only 21 like me......I miss her like crazy.... :
My boss said since I am the writer at work/poet I was opted to write something for her tribute page.......here is what I wrote
You will always be loved for who you were...
Remembered with the fond memories you left us with...
And cherished for all you could have been...
We love you
Jenny Lynn Moore
June 29,1982-January 2, 2004
I also opted to put my own tributal poem on my locker in her memory and decorated my alter in her honor until the pain passes.
Poem on my locker
My #1 Ho
I can't erase the pain of the void in my heart...
But I can try filling it with your love, that's a start...
You've shown me to not take for granted the people in my life...
There's always a silver lining through our strife...
You filled life with fun and grace in all you would do...
We are who we all are becuase of you...
You're in our hearts forever, memories never die...
Your in each step we take, each tear we cry...
I love you Jenny Lynn
Current Music: Krock...Pink Floyd...dirty woman
1st January 2004
Well, since I shared my resolutions, I'm asking you to post a comment telling me what yours were! You know you love me....~*~*relli~*~*
Current Music: Marylin Manson....fght song
Maybe A New Year isn't dumb
Well, this little pessimist opted to see a silver lining. Sure, I woke up only a half hour ago, but I'm not doing that anymore. A thought occured to me, Samhain was the Celtic New Year for me, and I couldn't stick by my resolutions then. Maybe I just need to incorporate both of the New Years.....it's obvious that the more traditional holidays are still too engraved in my process'. Without fail, another traditional holiday went horribly awry for me but I refuse to let that stop me from being at least slightly optimistic. :
So, without delaying further, I made alot of resolutions. Hopefully putting them in print will help me to focus and stick with them this year:
1) no more doormat!
2) use my judgement more wisely
3) actually take time to focus on my writing
4) stop being so afraid
5) walk my talk where religion is concerned
6) focus more on things that bring me pleasure
7) be more ambitious and disciplined
8) try to be a little healthier
9) spend money wisely
10) and the final one.........stop being so damned lazy!
Today marks something else for me. I do this little self-discipline thing, kind of like a lent self sacrifice. For forty days I deny myself something or work on something I feel I should be working towards. This year, along with my resolutions, I have decided to yet again forgo eatting red meat. This proves to be a harder challenge than one would think, at least for me. I tend to get sick if I don't suppliment correctly.
So, there you have it. I'm sure in the following entries I will have to pick myself back up from time to time but maybe this year i'm serious about making it work, no matter how long it takes. Until then....bright blessings!
Current Music: Brickhouse by the commodores
31st December 2003
Why does it say a.m.....its nighttime, those idiots..... :
Oh joy, it's going to be a new year. The only excitement that holds for me is that this horrendous month is at an end and the next might start to look up. I actually do care that I can't be with anyone I'm close to tonight. I don't feel like being around anyone, yet I want to see megyn. Forever full of contradictions I am....
Why can't people see that I am not the type to party? Why would I want to spend all my free time around people I barely know, risking embarrasment and possible disembowelment from projectile puking? Not to mention having to force smiles onto my face and a sound at least resembling laughter to emit from my throat? No thanks.........
I have better things to spend my time on, like being able to recall the night. Take me to a cemetary, watch a movie, share interests, have a conversation that actually means something and a chance to truely connect with another person....alcohoI and acting like a moron is better than that? Prefering to smell like skunk piss, possibly puke all over yourself, having no recollection of the previous events, lowered inhibitions used as a crutch instead of refusing to be a coward and working on what we lack...that is more valuable? Not to mention beer goggles, enough said on that. I have endless gripes where that is concerned, but to me every once in awhile it can be a thrill but every occasion, everytime you miss a friend......some substance has to be used to form a bond or worthwhile memories? I think not. Maybe I am from another planet. I thought the dependancy on substances to have fun ended in the high school years but I guess not.....
Current Music: the voices in my head..tellin me to kill and kill again
21st December 2003
email I found interesting
DO NOT LOOK AHEAD! :
This is an email I received to tell you more about yourself. Write your answers down on a piece of paper and post a comment when your done with your answers.
Put these five animals in order of your personal preference:
sheep,cow,tiger,pig, and horse
Put one descrptive word for the following words, the first one that pops in your head:
dog,sea,rat,cat, and coffee
Name one person that comes to mind for each color. Do not use a person for more than one answer:
I'll write my answers at the end of this, to be fair since I asked you to write your as well.
Now, here is what it means......
I hope you didn't look ahead and cheat!
what order you put the animals in is your priorities in life. Here is what each animals catergory is and see what priorities you placed above the others:
I chose pride, love, career, family, then money
Each descriptive word you chose for each animal tells of an area of your life. They go as following:
Dog= your own personality
Sea= implies the way you see your life
Rat= the personality of your enemies
Cat= the personality of your partner
Coffee= how you interpret sex
I wrote loyal for dog, wild for sea, twitchy for rat, love for cat, and good for coffee
Who you chose next to each color tells of what role they play in your life. They are as follows:
yellow= someone you'll never forget
green= someone you'll remember for the rest of your life
red= someone you really love
orange= a true friend
white= your twin soul
My answers were megyn for yellow, dave for green, chris for red, raim for orange, and my mom for white.
Make sure you post me your answers so I can see what it says about you. Bright Blessings!~*~*relli~*~*
Current Music: My inner dialogue and the hum of the computer
20th December 2003
Another open ended conversation open for interpretation
I hate myself today. Maybe I should put myself on medication. It is better than this twisted dance trying to keep some dignity and sanity. I have no place to call my own..... :
I thought you told me you loved me......I thought you said you would never betray my trust again......I thought you said I was forever yours......I thought you weren't such a bad liar.......the collect gatherings of statements directed in so many directions to the men I have known in my life.
Maybe I do have male issues. Maybe I don't. here I thought I just hated all people equally.......
I would give anything at this moment to be young, naive, and oblivious again. To not yet know the true meaning of pain, to know only of a world of fake smiles and placid sun.......I wretch at the thought of going back to that. But what would it solve, I was miserable then too......
I wish I could look into my nephews eyes and capture his innocence. Preserve and shelter him from what I know will come later in his life. To not sit and weep for his future.....because beyond material things, the future is not bright for any child......
Why does it hurt to smile? Why can I not smile on the inside? Why do I feel the insistant need to do the one thing I now despise? To shelter you, when you caused me so much pain. To lend my hand when I know you will just pull me down with you. Use me as a stepping stone through your life.....
I used to feel better when I would cry. I would make myself cry to ease my pain, even if it is only a temporary distraction. Now, I seldom cry, if at all. Letting go of the tidal of emotion only leaves me feeling diminished. As the tears left, they made room for more pain to fill the void.......
*these walls never see me just to save me.........save me........*Kittie*
Current Music: Taproot:Mine
18th December 2003
Ode to my lack of sanity
Darkness has settled on my soul. Am I eternally damned? Feel the icy fire of pain sweep through your body, embrace it. Do not close your eyes or turn your mind....it will be to no avail. I already have you in the razor sharp clasp that is my love. Do you now wish you had heeded my warnings? Do you wish of brighter days without the struggle. Keep your head afloat amidst the ruin of my life..... :
It makes me smile with sadness to think of you.......trapped in the web of my words........bloodying the ground with your self imposed war.......Don't watch my face as the tears fall onto your lips. Do you like the taste? That is the taste of years of internal conflict. Years of pain, pouring out, not ceasing to even grace my cheeks with a final farewell.........
Will I forever be a misty memory, burnt into your mind? Maybe even your heart? Can you answer me any of this? I ask that of you many a time but you never reply. I hope to have left a impression on someone. Anyone. I will forever be the lady of the moon. Think of me when your gaze rests on her infinite beauty. A beauty I wish I rivaled.......
Current Music: Fiona Apple: Sullen Girl
My Soul's Weeping
Well, last time I tried to write my computer froze like a beyotch and raim signed off bc I had to reboot. yeah.....well, I got a giftmas card from my grandfather. I miss him and feel like a failure bc I never go see him. Justin wants me to go to his party saturday but I don't know if i'm in a place where I should right now. Why am I such a failure? :
Sitting here whining isn't going to help I suppose. Slipknot is the salve for my soul. I finally finished creating my survey notebook and filled out my answers. I'm rambling about the most unimportant things I can find. *I have a lovely bunch of coconuts* I wonder if anyone I know will start a journal or already has one. I'm gonna go play some canasta.....~*~*~*~relli~*~*~*~
Current Music: Slipknot: People=Sh*t
17th December 2003
Can you look in my eyes and see my soul? It sure feels that way.....the daily ponderings running through my mind faster than sand through an hour glass. Were you the one...the one I pushed away...the one who could have saved me? I wish there was a way for me to convey to you what is bottled up inside. The things I can't even understand myself. That is a bit contradicitive then, to try to explain what you cannot even grasp for yourself. I need to excape myself. To apply myself to the daydreams instead of the reality. I have tried everything else. Timing and reality just aren't on my side it seems. The Gods have a odd sense of humor I suppose. I just wish I wasn't the objective target, the court jester.....forever to be the world's loving doormat. Is that my true purpose in life....not to be a helping hand but a stained and battered doormat? :
Help me find the cornerstone where my placid sea calls to me. Help me end my torment, even with the swift blade of truth. Take the pain that leaves me fatally damned. Wipe the tears from my lips if only to replace them with a sweet kiss. I recognize that taste well. The taste of the end, of the death of my innocence. I have tasted it too many times before..........
Current Music: Slipknot: My Plague
Late Night Depression
Here I sit ever i my insipid pool of pain. For those of you who have never experienced depression, it is like a deep, aching liquid that fills your body until you can't think straight or breathe. I wonder when my pain will cease, if ever. At least it is a constant reminder that I am still alive. Wow, a dperessed person who saw a silver lining. Maybe I should receive an award. I wrote something today......for the first time in my life, i'm not searching for another being to temporarily fill my void. I don't need your caresses, your honey coated words, or your companionship. The first time ever I cry for the fact that a solitude life is suiting me. But it doesn't suit you. I don't want any part of a blissful twosome. Maybe it is what I need. For the first time, solitude fits me like you used to. That may be the most depressing thing of all.........Bright Blessings adfter my failed attempt at easing my mind and creating something worthwhile for others to connect to......~*~*arella~*~*
Current Music: HIM: Right here in my arms