Wolfie

10:57pm: bye
well, i'm done with this blurty. Too many people know about it. cya'll lata

10:36pm: i miss him so much ::cries::

3:23pm: gone
my b/f and i broke up last Tuesday...i miss him...half of me is gone...i don't know what to do...i cry myself to sleep at night b/c i miss him so damn much...i need him back...::sigh::

10:26pm: rant
I so goddamn sick of my b/f and his bullshit. last night, i was talking to him, which i haven't really been able to do, cause i've been grounded, and he's like, "i need a ciggarette." i'm like "no, you know how i feel about those things." (i think that smoking anything is gross. it's just disgusting. and kissing someone that smokes, it's literally like licking an ashtray. it's nasty.) he doesn't respond, and i knew that he had gone out to smoke. I just started crying. i just can't believe that he would do that. how am i supposed to trust him? he promised me he wouldn't smoke, and what happends? he smokes. where's the trust? it's gone, it's out the window.

oh, and here's the convo we just had a few mins ago:
Arctic Winds X: i just don't care anymore
Arctic Winds X: i just wanna poke myself in the eye
SyKoBeNtLeY: so do it
SyKoBeNtLeY: that was ben
Arctic Winds X: ::flips ben off:: oh go fuck yourself
SyKoBeNtLeY: that wat he has to do he has no one to fuck
Arctic Winds X: meh
SyKoBeNtLeY: ben wants to know wat meh means...
Arctic Winds X: well, it's pretty much your word
Arctic Winds X: you tell 'im
SyKoBeNtLeY: how is it my word??? u came up with it???
Arctic Winds X: not really
SyKoBeNtLeY: watever
Arctic Winds X: i came up with merp
Arctic Winds X: not meh
SyKoBeNtLeY: ya but u origanally came up with meh
SyKoBeNtLeY: and then i stole it
SyKoBeNtLeY: and u came up with merp
Arctic Winds X: and then you stole that too
Arctic Winds X: ::sighs::
SyKoBeNtLeY: no i didn't
SyKoBeNtLeY: i never say it
Arctic Winds X: ok, watever
SyKoBeNtLeY: fien be a bitch about sumthing stupid...

i used 'watever' in the same concept that he did, and he calls me a bitch. does this make any sense at all? i just need some closure on this. i need to know if this makes any fucking sense at all.

i only said 'watever' because i didn't want to argue with him about something that stupid.

i am so sick of guys and their bullshit. i am seriously considering just ditching my straight side and becoming a lesbian. they have so much more fun. women know what other women want. period.

ok, well, that' my rant...i'll talk to yas all lata

9:00pm: the rundown
i want to write, but i have nothing to say...i haven't talked to my b/f in a little over a week...i think i'm dying...seriously...it's not the "i think i'm dying cause i haven't heard from my b/f in a over a week" kind of dying...it's the "holy fucking shit, i feel like crap, am i gonna die?" kind of dying...i really do feel like shit...*note to self* i really need to learn when to just shut up and leave/move on/say no more sometimes *end note to self*...so yeah...i was wondering...am i high-matenence?...if you read this post, and know me personally, please leave a comment on whethere i am or not...i really do wanna know...cause i think i expect too much from some people sometimes...well, my b/f's all like i think she has someone else, and all this other shit about how i'm pushing him away...and i kinda realized that i am...i am pushing him away...but i can't help it...when people get too close to me, i DO have a tendancy to push them away...and i need to stop...i love him, and i will admit to that, any time, any place...i DO love him, and i don't want to be with anyone else, just him...just HIM, no one else...i've told him that, but he still gets all "she's with someone else, i know it"...and now i'm grounded so i can only go online when i sneak on from 2:30 to about 3-3:15, or when i work my ass off just to get 1 or 2 measely hours...and then when i go on, he isn't...but hey, what's new?...yeah, so anyways, my 2 hours are up...i have to go...
all for now

9:06pm: ...depressed...
so yeah...i haven't talked to my b/f in awhile...i miss him...i mean, i was kinda angry at him the other day...and i didn't wear my ring the he gave me nor my clauddah ring...but still...i miss him...i'm dying without him...
OMG! the other day when i wasn't wearing my rings, my friend was like "oh, i see that you've finally broken up with adam. good job! i think i'm gonna make you cookies cause you two are done!"
i was like, "um, no...we're still together..."
she responds with "oh...well then are you not wearing your rings cause you two are in the process of breaking up? cause you should. he's so psychotic. he could just snap and kill you one day if he wanted"
i glared at her, and practically SCREAMED "HE IS NOT GOING TO SNAP AND KILL ME! YOU BARELY EVEN KNOW HIM AND YOUR FUCKING PASSING JUDGEMENT ON HIM! I AM SO SICK OF THIS KIND OF SHIT!" and then proceeded to stalk off...i haven't really talked to her since then...but that's not to say that she hasn't tried to talk to me...
i'm kinda reformatting my friends...i'm dropping alot of them, and picking up some new one's...i started to get sick of my "friends" shit...
::sighs:: well anywho...i really hope i get to talk to my b/f soon...i miss him alot...

6:20pm: so apparently people don't want to talk to me...what is up with that? am i not important or sumthin? do i annoy ppl that much that they dun wanna talk to me? meh whatever...

10:03pm: HORNY!
i got horns on Saturday at King Richard's Faire, and wings. they make me happy. i wore them today. a lot of ppl thought that they were cool.
i had one person tell me that they looked like crap. i smiled sweetly at her and said "thank you!" she got angry cause i didn't get mad at her comment.
then one of my "good friends" was like, "take them off, they make you look stupid" i looked at her and said "no! it's my goddamn body, my goddamn horns, and i can wear them if i goddamn well please!" she glared at me and said "well, whatever" i was like "YEAH! exactly 'whatever' you aren't my freakin' boss or master, so you can't tell me what to do!" and calmly turned around and left. she was so angry with me for the rest of the day. but it was very funny.
only bad thing about today was that i didn't get to talk to my b/f. i miss him. i might be able to see him this weekend. that would be majorly cool.
anywho, i gotta go. time for sleep. night all

11:44pm: i am such a screw up...i can't do anything right...i don't deserve to live...

11:14pm: kill me
so here's my b/f and my conversation tonight...

SyKoBeNtLeY: you probably can't come up next weekend cause we're gonna be really busy moving
Arctic Winds X: ::sighs:: ok
SyKoBeNtLeY: it's not really my fault
Arctic Winds X: i know
Arctic Winds X: i don't blame you
SyKoBeNtLeY: i mean
SyKoBeNtLeY: we're probably gonna entirely move all in one weekend so
Arctic Winds X: i was sighing cause i'm in pain
Arctic Winds X: but hey...what's new?
SyKoBeNtLeY: eh life sucks
SyKoBeNtLeY: oh ya trish's still got my collor...lol
Arctic Winds X: get it back!
SyKoBeNtLeY: why?
Arctic Winds X: cause i want you to wear your collar at least once around me
SyKoBeNtLeY: yeah but you're not gonna be up here for like weeks so...
Arctic Winds X: whatever, don't get it back...i don't care
SyKoBeNtLeY: never said i wasn't gonna get it back..
SyKoBeNtLeY: but of course like always you assume
Arctic Winds X: but of course
SyKoBeNtLeY: yup
SyKoBeNtLeY: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanywhos
Arctic Winds X: ...yeah...
SyKoBeNtLeY: well i'm getting pretty tired...
SyKoBeNtLeY: i'm gonna go in a half an hour
Arctic Winds X: k...
SyKoBeNtLeY: eh fuck it
SyKoBeNtLeY: i have nothing to do so i'm just gonna go now
Arctic Winds X: ok
SyKoBeNtLeY: i love you, no matter how much SHIT you give me, i love you....night

so i'm like really pissed at myself cause i bitched at him...i feel like such a bad g/f...maybe i should just let him go...he doesn't need me...he'd probably be better off without me...i mean, he could get a gothic g/f and they could be happy...instead of him being miserable with me, cause i'm a clingy bitch...i mean, i love him to death, but i want him to be happy...

hunny, if you read this, i'm sorry...i didn't mean to be such a bitch...i'll understand if you don't talk to me for awhile...i mean...i just...i'm sorry...there's not much more that i can say...just that i'm sorry...and i'll try not to do it again...

3:23pm: merp...
ARGH! i hate him sometimes. he can be such an asshole! i don't even want to deal with him. I know his life sux sometimes, but that doesn't mean that he can take it out on me! i am so fucking sick of all of his goddamn shit. i love him to death, but right now i REALLY don't need this kind of shit. WHAT THE FUCK! urg...he just randomly signs off...what the fuck is with him today...eh...whetever...i'm gonna go do my homework...talk to ya'll lata

7:33pm: ...i don't care...
...wow...i have had such a bad day...woke up this morn, found out i was outta Albuterol for my inhaler, which really sux cause that means if i have an asthma attack between now and Sept 30 (my next doctor appointment), i'm basically screwed, cause i'll have no way to make myself be able to breathe...which is not cool...so anywho, my dad came home around 1, and was like, so i'm coming home around 1/4 past 2 to pick you up for band practice, right?...i was like, wait WHAT?! OH SHIT!...i had completely forgotten that i had band practice today...so i ran around and ate, took a shower, walked the dog, cleaned the kitchen, and cleaned the sunroom in less than an hour...so went to band practice...i am so fucking sick of the little doddamn frechman pricks who think that they fucking know everything...i had to just keep remindng myself that i don't care...just tune them out...forget them...then our charts are wicked fucked up...and by the end i was ready to snap...i was so sick of their shit...so that's pretty much it...ok...i'm gonna go...cya

11:33pm: merp
so yeah...i'm really horny...and frustrated...band camp was last week...it was normal band camp...but sadly Megan wasn't able to come. she was working all week...but there is good news! she had a g/f! i am SO happy for her. ::grinz:: so um, i guess that's it, other than I START SCHOOL ON THURS! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! lol...ok, that's all for now, cyas!

10:37pm: so yeah...
Some stuff has happend since I last updated.
1. I got to go to my b/fs on the 21st...stuff happend...heh...alot of good stuff happend...but then I was like freaking out and having minor panic attacks. That wasn't so cool.
2. Went to the Cape...that was pretty cool...brought my friend Becca with me...we had alot of fun...there was this one wicked funny part when my cuz Matt was hitting on this girl in the candy store. When my dad, Becca, and I left the store, we beeped the horn and waved to him. Becca and I yelled "BYE MATT!" out the window. He turned BRIGHT red, and covered his face with his hands, but the girl waved back at us. It was SO FUNNY!
Oh, Becca, SCREW YOU FAG! lol, only Becca would get that...I'll fill ya'll in lata!

yeah...so I guess that's it...hm...if i think of anything, I'll tell ya...

night all

1:44am: California
So my California trip was ok, if you take away:
1. the buses not showing up
2. the 1st flight having to take school buses to the airport
3. waiting for 4 hours at school
4. missing our flight
5. waiting for 10 hours in the airport
6. missing Wild Bill's the first night, so we had to go another night, and then we had to take away some Disney time.
7. me losing my voice
8. the woman that we were staying with being a complete control bitch
But hey, alot of cool stuff happend. I developed a great friendship with Megan, Sara, Becca S, and all the girls in my room.
When the band was gonna leave, I called out Megan's name, so I could talk to her. She waited for me, and when I got up to her, she asked me "Where's your carry on? Under the bus?" I shook my head and said "No. I'm not going home with you guys. I'm staying in Cali for another week." She was like "No! I'll never get to se you again! Here!" and she grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down her email and shoved it into my hand. She then proceeded to say, "Email me when you get to a computer!" I nodded, then kinda sheepishly asked if I could have a hug. She said sure and gave me a big bear hug.
Then when they were leaving, I was sitting on the bench in front of the hotel. Megan plastered herself to the window and pretended to yell "NO!" like she didn't want to leave me. It was really funny.
So then later that day, mom and I drove down to Kathy's (the woman that we were staying with). She seemed ok at first, but after a while, she turned into a complete bitch! She wouldn't let me on her computer, she had to have her way with everything, and when I did stuff she didn't like, she couldn't just ask me politely to stop it, she had to yell at me to stop in her stupid bitchy way. I have never been so happy to leave a place. But hey, while I was there I got to go to the world famous San Diego zoo, Sea World, and a Major League baseball game. It was all pretty cool.
Going back wasn't too bad, despite being stuck in an airplane with my mother for about 7 hours. Oh, and on the way to Cali, I learned that airplane food isn't all that bad.

Well hey, I guess that's all for now. Not much else to say. Got any questions about my trip? Leave me a comment or AIM me at Arctic Winds X

Talk to ya'll lata!

9:45pm: bored...
GOD! i am so forking bored! i really need something to do!

I get to see my b/f tomorrow! YAY! I am so happy! I can't wait to see him!

7:36pm: wooo
i feel so dead...i am so freakin' tired...my allergies are really getting to me...

can't wait for cali...but i also don't want to leave...i really wish i could pack my b/f in a suitcase to take w/me...but i can't...so meh...

hehe...i had a friend ask me if i could be her g/f for a day...her foster parents told her that she couldn't have a g/f while she was under their roof...and she's leaving their home by Friday...so i might go there on Friday...that would be cool...

anyway...i g2g study...blah...cyas!

8:07pm: randomness
This is for some of the people in my life...you know who you are...(in no particular order)

To P*****x:
i'm close to breaking, but you don't notice
you only care about yourself
when i try to talk, you drown me out with shit about you
i don't want to listen anymore, so i zone out
but that annoying tone of yours bores right through
how can i get rid of you?
why won't you go away?
SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU!
what about me? huh? what about me?

To C****e:
i can't believe you got section leader. i may be in denial here, but it's probably just because you turned down a position on the varsity volleyball team. it's just volleyball! omg!
i hate hearing about how shitty your life is. what, do you think that everyone else's life is perfect? well, NEWSFLASH! they aren't!
i'm sick of you playing with Nate's emotions like he's just some little play toy. i'll bet you that your father really didn't say that you couldn't date til you're 16. I bet that you're just afraid of commitment!
i'm real sure that your parents wouldn't let me come to your party. i bet that you just didn't want to invite me, you selfish little bitch! i've done a ton of shit for you, and what do i get back? NOTHING! absolutely BULL SHIT! i'm SO SICK OF YOU! STOP BEING MY FRIEND! DON'T TALK TO ME! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT APPROACHING ME! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!

To M****:
today, when you told me that girl in student services was hot, a small part of me wilted.
another part of me envied that girl. i wanted to be her, to have you think i was hot. but that's never going to happen. i'll forever be that freshmen you befriended your senior year of band.
but i was also happy when you told me this. i felt like we had brought our friendship up a level. that you can confide in me, trust me. ::sigh:: i want to tell you that there's this girl that i think is the best. that she's one of the greatest females i've ever met. that no matter what mood i'm in, she still makes me smile. and that she's you.
but i'll never have the balls to tell you that. i don't even know if i'll have the balls to give you a hug on Friday, because i can't go to graduation and cry my eyes out there, and give you a hug then.

To A****y (aka L****):
i'm glad you'll still be here next year. i like our lunchtime convos w/Jason. they're fun. i'll miss you when you go, even tho the next year, i'll be gone. i'm sure that you'll miss Jess, but we'll all miss her in our own different ways.

To J***y (aka H****):
first things first. i'm gonna miss you. band will never be the same. who's gonna yell at percussion? who's gonna make the band laugh? i bet Ash and i will miss you the most. with Lori a close second.
Jessy, if you read this, please take a second and go here...tell me what you think...

...i think that's all for now...i feel a little better...i'll cyas all lata...

7:45pm: so ya...
people suck...why does my cousin's wedding have to be on the same day as graduation? I wanna go and see Jessy and Gem and all my other senoir friends graduate! And then, to top it all off, going to graduation is like, 1/2 my final (test) in band, which is worth 20% of my grade...so that really sucks...

...i'm such a pussy...today was senior day, and i was givin' all my senior bando friends hugs, cause i obviously won't see them at graduation...and i was gonna give Gem a hug, but she was surrounded by people, and i didn't want to give her a hug in front of a bunch of people...so i waited, and they went away...but then, like the pussy i am, i left...and didn't get my hug...i didn't want it to be one of those weird ones...meh...but i am GOING to get a hug before graduation! meh!

...anywhos...i gotta go, cyas all lata!

9:12pm: eeee
i'm sick! ah! i hate being sick! ashley! it's all your fault! lol, i'm only kidding...hehe...anywho, gotta run! cyas!

11:05pm: WEEE!!
hehe...i'm so in love! ah! i love my b/f so much...he's a real sweety...no one understands...they're all like "HIM?! NICE?! wow..." then they give me the classic, 'uh huh, sure' look...and i'm like "AH! you have to really get to know him, and crack open his tough shell to get to the true him"...anywho...

...so, ya...lunch was cool...i was in our li'l school store thingy...and the girl that i like (for the sake of things, let's call her...hm...Gem! that works...), in band, was complaining that the soda machine's didn't have any orange juice, which she always has during band...so i decided, 'hm...why not buy Gem an OJ?' so i did...i walked into the cafe, HOPING that she would be there, and she was!...so i walked up to the table, set it down in front of her, and kept walking to my seat, next to her...she was like "did you get this for me?"...all i could do was smile...weee...i really like her...she's nice to me...maybe that's cause I'm a freshman, and she's a senior...meh...i dunno...ANYWAY!...lata on, she walked away from our table to talk to one of her friends, and she all of a sudden goes, "I KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO!" and runs out of the cafe...i was like "WTF?!"...she came back, and i had to ask, "what are you gona do?"...she kinda smiled and said, "oh, you'll see tomorrow"...i was like, "um, tomorrow's Saturday..."...she paused for a sec, and went "fine, then you'll have to wait til Monday."...I was like 'AH! CAN'T WAIT THAT LONG!'...but meh...I'll have to...

...anywho...i gotta head to bed...really tired...night all!

11:04pm: Cali
So i'm goin' ta Cali this summer, on the 24th of June, and when the band goes back, my mom and i r stayin' with one of her friends, who is also a teacher. Kathy, that's the woman's name, offered to set me up with one of her students! i was like, um, no thanx...ah! I'll write more abour it lata! I gotta go!

10:45pm: merp
ah! I miss my b/f! where is he! i want him to be here right now! AH! I don't just want him to be online, i want him to be here, at my house, with me! ah! want him now!

9:30pm: look at the hamster! -->
hehe! it amuses me!

8:20pm: ::sigh::
lala...have comp back...will update more often...day was boring...was supposed to be Spring Fling thing where u get to do nothing for 2 hours out of the school day...stupid rain...but the best part was my gym teacher let me out so I got to go to 3rd, 4th, and 5th lunch! WOOHOO! that was cool...ok...not going to write more...am being distracted by b/f...cyas lata all!