| .and the war continues. | ||||
| 12:22am 12/06/2004 | ||||
i think i've come to the conclusion that my life is a paradox of wasted time perpetuated only by my magnificient ability to waste time. and i think i came about this ability by being a waste myself. just another pattern in my life, i guess. speaking of patterns, i've gotten into this pattern of driving back and forth between duncanville and college station every few days because i've had to practice with our praise band at home for UM Army in a few weeks then come back and play for worship here on sundays. and, because i drive so much, i am proposing that they, whoever they are, put some roadside entertainment on highway 6. something i can enjoy while i'm coming and going because i've found myself, at times, just staring, straight ahead at nothing. no focusing on anything, not listening to my music...just thinking. and that's of course when the emotions kick in, and the head and the heart start bickering. it got so bad at one point, i stopped my car on the side of the road, got out, kicked the door, and then threw up. how's that for a fun drive? other than the emotions and battles that plague my everyday life, i can't even seem to find a faith within myself. i haven't prayed in days, or weeks, i don't even know. and, i constantly find myself sitting on my balcony saying, "wow, i haven't prayed in days, or weeks, i don't even know. and i haven't read my bible either. maybe i should do that..." but does anything happen? yep, you guessed it...not a damn thing happenes. i just continue on with my life which isn't mine to begin with. i just don't understand anything at all right now. i feel lost in a place i'm so familiar to. none of this is making any sense i bet, but thats the way things are. and, to top everything off, i still can't sleep. what sleep i get usually includes lying down at 6 in the morning only to wake up at 7 to turn over, stare at the wall, and not go back to sleep til 8, at which point i wake up at 8:30 to toss, turn and continue my sleepless, restless cycle. and it's not that i can't sleep, it's that every time i try, i get all these images and memories that infect my mind. memories that bring back all the emotions i can possibly feel. and after i go through all the memories, my heart starts in with its rambling and my head, seeing the opportunity for a fight, joins in. and at this time, too many thoughts have come into my mind so i begin thinking about everything i've thought about before, all while my heart and mind add their own color commentary. so i get up, night after night and roam around places i don't know but have so commonly seen. a town i live in, but can't find a home. i've lost all sense of what i'm talking about. maybe i can find hope somewhere else... and now, subliminal rock lyrics in italics! yay!! This isn't how its supposed to be But you are so good at taking your time To get back to me. I will wait for you forever, If you would just ask me. I thought that i could change you But you changed me. It doesn't feel right Holding someone else's hand. Together on phone line And living at two opposite ends. It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me and better than me, But you're head is elsewhere, and i'm talking enough for both of us. When will you see it's not so easy for me And i'm eaten alive by what i hold inside. All the things that i live with i can't easily hide And i'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you. And although my hands are shaking I lie perfectly still Cause i'm determined to let myself sink down. I know i'm buried too far down To feel the warmth from the sun again. Cause i'm broken when i'm open. And i don't feel like i am strong enough. Cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome. And i don't feel right when youre gone away. Can a song replace a broken heart? Can a song replace broken love? No. So, i remind myself That holding hands is so powerless. Tonight, i don't even have the stars To hold onto. it's been 23 days. i'm still sorry for this. for everything. J. |
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distressed| .i can be your zero. | ||||
| 01:58am 12/06/2004 | ||||
I can't make sense of these thoughts behind my eyes Of this feeling in my heart This sums up about how I feel right now. About as emo as they come. And as much as I hate saying "I feel unsure/uncertain about how things are gonna work out," I really don't know. I mean, I still haven't found a job (so it looks like that's not happening at all), which means my dad will be unhappy about that. I'm still sleeping in way too much, I'm still out of shape, and I'm not making progress on my room. I feel like I'm experiencing half of each day, or less, and that I missing out on everything. I want to get up early, I want to be productive, I want to have a job, I want to do everything I'm not doing. What did I do today? Saw Saved! and coached my bro's baseball game. Other than those two things, I didn't do much all day. Which is 1) depressing and 2) not enough to satisfy me for the day. It means that I'm staying up till anywhere from 2-4 am, sleeping until 10-1, and missing out on all of the crap I'm hoping that I could do. Tomorrow's the lake party, which ought to be a day full of rest and relaxation. Instead, I'm going to be running around like a squirrel that can't decide if he wants to cross the road. And at some point I'm afraid I'll get nailed by a car. I have to get up early to take the cars to get washed, then I've got baseball practice to attend from 10-11:30 (which I'll have to shower after), then go make an appearance at Mr. Casey's bbq / election party. I'll need to get home and change for Amber's wedding, which is at 2, then as soon as the ceremony is done, I'm gonna change again and drive for 2 hours up to the lake, with maybe a quick stop in CS beforehand. It all has me very stressed. I hate it. For some reason, I don't think I'm going to get very much sleep tonight. I want everyone to see what's inside of me. I want to show it every day, I mean everything I say Want to show you everything, every piece of me. I want to bleed right now. blessed are the weak, for they have been given emo. M. |
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disappointed| apt37 | ||
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