| .of thoughts and emotions. | ||||
| 05:56am 29/05/2004 | ||||
   well…apparently, stuff has happened since my last post. school ended for the summer. i saw movies and got some cds. Friends ended. rearranged the apartment. started exercising and quit the next day. got a new keyboard and mouse. and a new razor. gas prices also went up. etc upon etc. ya know, i don’t even remember what my last post was about. i imagine things were happier, or better, depending on the narrator. well, at the moment, 5:37 am on yet another sleepless night to be precise, i’m just….i don’t even know what i am right now. i really just don’t know what i feel and i don’t really know why or what to do. guess life is just back to normal. honestly, i’ve just been hit with a constant whirlwind of emotions lately, and i somehow seem to feel frustrated, angry, sad, happy, hopeful, depressed, comforted and confused all at once. it’s like i know tomorrow will come, but i keep getting lost on the way. and now, it feels like i’m back to fighting my inner battles, just for a different cause this time around. a battle where my heart and my head can’t line up and agree on anything. they constantly fight now and argue with one another. my head just wants to work things out and make sense of the pieces in my life, but my heart seems to know what’s already right. i guess my head has seen the past but my heart can see the future. and i don’t know who to side with or which one to listen to. both have grown so restless that i can't focus on anything and i can't get anything done. i can't even sleep. And even when i try i just end up staring at the walls or the ceiling. and, in the wake of the self assessment i've been doing, i've noticed that it’s probably nothing inside me that’s at the root of my discontent. instead, i think it’s just me. the person i am. i try and pin my inability to achieve my goals or to accomplish the simplest of tasks on my bullshit “inner battles”. rather, it’s just the fact that i can't commit anything to myself. oh sure, i can commit more than i have to other things. i would do anything for family or friends, literally. i would do anything for marc, or for jamie, or for jenn, or katie, or for any of my friends who asked or didn’t ask. i think i would even risk my life to save a damn dog from getting hit by a vehicle, if it came right down to it. it’s just the kind of person i am. but, i won't attempt to do even the slightest thing for myself. i can't exercise or eat right when i honestly want to. i can't finish a book. i can't keep up a work ethic with school. i can't be content with what ' have, or don’t have. i can't even pray or read my bible on a regular basis. and i've tried the whole radical “i’m gonna make a change in my life” routine but that just turned to shit, and i ended up right back where i started: unaccomplished, alone, and pissed off at myself, and the world for that matter. maybe this is just the vicious cycle of my life... but then again, maybe i am totally wrong, and there really is a war going on inside me. a war between reason and reality, compromise and compassion, thoughts and emotions. a war that i can't fight and, a war that i probably can't win. i guess i’m done now. i’m sorry for this. for everything. J.  |
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indescribable| apt37 | ||
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