| .i don't know. |
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| 11:47pm 15/04/2004 |
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mood:  discontent
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i'm in a weird mood right now. i'm not really pissed off or depressed. i'm just....i don't even know. i guess i'm the reason i'm in this mood. i'm actually not at all happy with myself at the moment. mainly cuz of this week. i haven't tried at anything cuz i half-ass my life so often. so therefore, i didn't study as much as i should have. and now, i get to disappear when finals get here, which i hate doing cuz i dislike not seeing people. and then, tonight i was supposed to go to 4.0 and go to do my accounting project so i wouldnt have to go next week. and, since i slept until 8, i missed it and now i have to miss worship on sunday to go get it done. which is just in keeping in the theme of my life and the cycle of things i continue to perpetuate. i'm not thinking to highly of myself as of late. it's been like constantly looking into a mirror only to see everything i dislike about myself staring back at me. i constantly make excuses for my faults. i overthink everything. i can't do the simplest thing without complicating it immensely. i complain about everything. i don't ever act with my heart. i hold back so many things. i can't just open up to people. i have no courage. i plan out everything. i rarely follow through with my intentions or plans. i get so obsessive about things. i'm lazy beyond all reason. i blow things in my mind out of proportion which leads to my constant worrying. nothing is ever good enough for me. but things always have to be perfect, and if they're not, i get flustered. and so on and so on. i could think of more but you get the point. i don't know why all these things are coming to my attention all of a sudden. i know they're not true and they're all bull sh*t accusations against myself. but even so, they're not totally devoid of truth. i just hate the fact the i am my own worst enemy. cliche phrase, i know but everything i've ever ruined in my life has been thanks to myself. i constantly deceive myself into thinking things and then acting on empty thoughts and emotions. thinking i can't achieve goals, so i just give up. deceiving myself into worrying, and then opening my fat mouth. forget it...i don't even know what i'm rambling about now. i shouldn't even post this. oh well....i promise something better later.
Jarrod |
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