| .where is love now?. | ||||
| 12:36am 23/01/2004 | ||||
ok, i've been feeling something stirring inside me for a little while now, be it God, be it emotions, be it both, i'm not entirely sure. but allow me to open up. there is this person, let's call her "girl", and i see girl almost everyday at this place, let's call it "class". well, last semester, girl and i were in one of these classes together and we talked and flirted and were friends and whatnot. it was nice. but then, once we had been talking for awhile, my mind began to drift from thoughts of girl as that friend to that all important phrase: "more than a friend." (otherwise known as the crush or infatuation zone) so, girl has become a vision of "more than a friend" and i'm stuck at the end of a semester, bottling, as usual. well, a new semester starts, and who do i see almost everyday? girl. so, now, me being a guy and unable to share my feelings in an attempt to avoid rejection that may or may not be there so i won't enter a whirlwind of meaningless depression and sulk around everyone responding, "nothing," everytime i'm asked, "what's wrong?" i'm lost on what to do. now, girl, to me, is quite stunning, being both visually and intellectually stimulating. and, honestly, i want nothing more than to just tell her how i feel. but, for whatever reason, there's a mental block, a wall that i cannot climb over or knock down at the moment. maybe it's me and my past and all the stuff i mentioned before and the fact that i probably suck as "more than a friend." maybe it's something about girl. and maybe girl's not necessarily "perfect" in my eyes (which girl may very well be, i just won't allow myself to see it) and girl's not who i want girl to be. and a whole bunch more which i will refrain from going into at the moment... of course, alot of what i just said is complete crap, garbage on the corner on trash-day. but, then again, alot of what i said is what's floating my head and my heart. stuff that will not leave me alone. and it's mingled with other random stuff. like being worried about my crunchtime talk, getting caught up with school and staying on track to make a dent of change in my life, and whatever else my brain creates to bother the hell out of me. maybe i'll just get rid of that damn thing up there one day. maybe tomorrow. in pieces: ...::|JarroD|::... a final note: if this crush-slash-swooning stuff is hard for you to stomach; if you've never had a similar experience, then you should come to grips with the fact that you've got a TV dinner for a heart and might want to consider climbing inside a microwave and turning it on high for at least an hour, which if you do consider only goes to show what kind of idiot you truly are because microwaves are way too small for anyone, let alone you, to climb into. -House of Leaves, p.53 |
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weird| well... | ||||
| 12:45am 23/01/2004 | ||||
haha...i love scrubs. marc |
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amused| Coping with my gain... | ||||
| 01:15am 23/01/2004 | ||||
I remember when I said I wish I had something to say, well I wish now that I had nothing to say. I am frustrated. There seems to be a recurring theme that has been running my mind for the last few weeks. I hate 'smug Christianity' with all its pompous bells and whistles; the clanking and the pitter-patter of the un-blessed feet who don't bring the good news, but keep it quite contently to themselves as those around them face utter and certain doom, and do so with a smile and wry witless comments. I have come to resent haughty 'witnessing' bumperstickers that insult people's intelligence and proudly 'represent' Christ by holding salvation up for everyone to see and no one to grasp. I cannot stand all the talk-talk-talking of the workaday 'Christian' ethic, the spiritual mumbojumbo or terminology that traps our theology in a fix of having to say the same old 'spiritual-sounding' crap over and over. Doesn't it sound pretty to say Jesus fifty times in a prayer? Like he doesn't know his own freaking name. Honestly, does anyone talk that way to anyone else? "Hey Rick, thanks for the gift Rick! And Rick, can you help me Rick with my homework Rick? Good buddy Rick, you, Rick are such a good friend Rick." How annoying is that? At first, I had this crazy notion, well that Christians, being like Jesus, would have to be non-judgemental, all-around caring people who would love you unconditionally. That concept was all-together erased when I stepped outside. I found that many people not only do the same things as they used to, but somehow came up with heavenly justification for it! The day I found out that many Christians are hypocrites with fire insurance was the day I found out that I was the same. The looking glass pointed inward, I saw a slew of motivations with no Godly origin; still clinging to the thought of acceptance, 'service' was to me a word with selfish intent. To feel good, for doing good, for being good. But not all dogs go to heaven. Jesus will say to those highly regarded "saints" who did some awesome things and said some beautiful sounding words, "GET AWAY FROM ME, I NEVER KNEW YOU!" What am I to make of this? Service achieves what it will achieve regardless, but the heart is what is judged. Having that said, a pat on the back and a seldomly heard encouraging word aren't needed from anyone. Oh to be cool! To be beautiful! To know all the right people! To have audiences of individs fawning over me, and still get the fringe benefits of heavenly mansions and earthly peace. It's a grand illusion we cook up that tells us that God has screwed us over in this life. I consider that all the attention, satisfaction, and smiles that being the posterchild for earthly idolation might bring to be utter filth compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake...I have lost everything. I have lost it all. Any hope for ever fitting in on this rock, for any chance at being a slave to the god of 'cool', all my mundane dreams of earthly greatness and succulent success. For what? A cross. I have lost it all to suffer. How utterly unfair. **...had to leave for Upstream for about 4 hours...** Coming back, much more cooled down, I continue... Where was I? Oh yeah, HOW UTTERLY UNFAIR!!!! It seems back then I had little concept of what I was actually signing up for...maybe I should have read the fine print. Well, what do you know, I just happen to have a copy of the fine print here and it says: "For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe on him, but also to suffer for him..." ...Snap. But wait! It also says my "present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in" me and that sometime soon "There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain..." But why the suffering God? Earlier tonight I confess I actually said "Screw you" to Him. I was too carried away, I'll admit that. But WHY? ...Maybe we never ask the right questions... Perhaps it's not a "Why" but a "Who." Who made this world? Who gave me life? Who gave His son so that I could escape a fate worse than life? Who has totally changed my life and given me that Holy Grail of experiences: 'Joy'? "Why" just isn't as satisfying... Almost as unsatisfying as not having all the answers. But I have some...I have some. I suppose they'll do for the moment. In any case, a little while after I wrote the post from earlier today I realized I had already failed at applying my little 'sermon.' Sad day... Tomorrow's another day, thank God. This Christian life isn't always wine and roses, but it is better, forever so much better than a lie. Some guy |
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blah| again? | ||||
| 01:26am 23/01/2004 | ||||
marc ..|.,  You're Devi! Bad people happen to you more than is normal. You must live a cursed life. What Johnny the Homicidal Maniac character are you? brought to you by Quizilla  You have wings of STEEL. No one's really sure why, but at this point in your life you've shut off emotion to the point of extreme apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of the time...or perhaps you're just a good pretender. Next to impossible to get close to, even those who do never see the real you. It's entirely possible that YOU don't even know the real you. You have a certain fascination or attraction to destruction on a massive scale - disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much inside, one day you're simply going to snap. Then the mask will fall away, and your true wings will be revealed. Until then you will deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter silence and acceptance. On the positive side, you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not much can crack through your defenses. You intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why you're the way you are. A loner and one who spends much of their time brooding and contemplating life and death - you are a time bomb waiting to explode and create some destruction of your own. *~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~* brought to you by Quizilla |
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annoyed| apt37 | ||
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