| .come, join me. | ||||
| 04:48pm 05/07/2004 | ||||
www.livejournal.com/~falling_d0wn as with others who have recently made a change, i'm not sure of the reasoning behind leaving blurty. but, please, stop by livejournal sometime and read the happenings of my exciting life. signing off. Jarrod.... -=static-static-static-static-static-sta |
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mellow| .my final update. | ||||
| 04:36am 26/06/2004 | ||||
so i'm leaving. i have a LJ now, that you can frequent if you wish to keep up with my life. and i'll continue to check here. sometimes changes in life require changes across the board. this is a fresh start, a clean slate, a new beginning. so if you'll excuse me, i'm gone. www.livejournal.com/~yourownzero i felt the pain inside my heart i built this anguish with my own hands i watched our faces fall apart i felt the tears of all your angels, so cold |
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determined| xxpoetrycorexx | ||||
| 04:41am 24/06/2004 | ||||
I've never seen the Northern Lights. Not in person, But I'm sure they're lit tonight. In pictures, I see the grand arcs glowing green and red, two lovers tied together through the heavens, straining to reach each other. And when they find each other love lights the galaxy. Here, alone, I'm looking up at the night sky, wishing I had a camera. I'd hold the shutter open for you to see it all: Diana dancing with the stars. To rope in the moon so you could keep it in your pocket. And I've never seen the Northern Lights, but I know, tonight the skies are burning. |\/| |
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contemplative| .still in existence. | ||||
| 05:43pm 22/06/2004 | ||||
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accomplished| 'emo' doesn't even begin to describe it... | ||||
| 01:41am 20/06/2004 | ||||
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depressed| .i ache. | ||||||
| 03:08am 18/06/2004 | ||||||
that's it, at least physically. the airsoft war was excellent, with plastic pellets flying everywhere, getting shot up, shooting other people, and having a lot of fun (sorry bout the beatdown, david...i overreacted but it didn't seem fair) the game tonight was hard fought and a close loss. the team's getting better, they're playing pretty solid...just have to crack down on the errors and the strikeouts. demon hunter/dead poetic/haste the day show sunday = awesome. i'm practically peeing my pants in excitement waiting for it. doubleheader saturday morning = very cool (a little early for me, but meh...oh well). i get to coach first again. tomorrow = indoor soccer (yay, i get to inflict pain upon myself again!) should be very fun. plus, my aunt and uncle are coming in, so maybe they'll come to the game. until next time, yourownzero (M)
From Go-Quiz.com nothing changes after zero everyday is my tomorrow |
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sore| a real update for you | ||||
| 02:47pm 16/06/2004 | ||||
saturday i got up and went to baseball practice where i had a lot of fun helping out. then i had to come home and shower, go to mr. casey's bbq and put in a vote for him, come home and change, then go to amber's wedding. it was really nice, and i took a bunch of pictures. i gave my congratulations and best wishes, then took off for home, to change (again!!) and grab stuff for the weekend. i drove all the way to the lakehouse, 150 miles in an hour and 45 mins. i hung out there for a while with people, talked with elizabeth (we're no longer together...long story on my end...if you really have to know IM me). then daniel and i headed back to college station. on the way out on the dirt road i fishtailed, lost control, and nearly went straight into a ditch. luckily we stopped right on the brink. we laughed our asses off, then kept going. saturday night i hung out with daniel and jarrod, and stayed up way too late, as usual. sunday i slept through sunday school and church (hey, i was up till 4, give me a break), but i was up in time to hang around and goof off for most of the day. not only did i go to worship, but i got to play guitar too. i miss that. and after worship i went with jarrod to poking you, where i got my rings changed out, and nearly bought some cool hematite plugs. then we hung out and had fun, talked, and got mickey d's. monday i woke up at 11:30, jarrod left at 1. i got lunch with daniel, then he left at 2. i hung around the apt putting up posters for two hours, then went back to wesley. got jin's with jenn, went to movie bible study and tolerated mona lisa smile (two words = maggie gyllenhaal), watched run lola run with jenn and alan (good stuff), then went to mickey d's and got my shake, drove home at 3 in the morning...you know that story. tuesday started working on my walls (the wallpaper is coming down today). david was supposed to have a doubleheader, but it got rained out, so we practiced a little, then went to our meeting for mexico, then i came home and was my pathetic loser self. that's it. marc |
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content| i'm home! | ||||
| 04:35pm 15/06/2004 | ||||
these are the words that remind you we're alive this is the voice that haunts you in your sleep outdated forgotten we're yesterday's obsolete |
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artistic| .i can be your zero. | ||||
| 01:58am 12/06/2004 | ||||
I can't make sense of these thoughts behind my eyes Of this feeling in my heart This sums up about how I feel right now. About as emo as they come. And as much as I hate saying "I feel unsure/uncertain about how things are gonna work out," I really don't know. I mean, I still haven't found a job (so it looks like that's not happening at all), which means my dad will be unhappy about that. I'm still sleeping in way too much, I'm still out of shape, and I'm not making progress on my room. I feel like I'm experiencing half of each day, or less, and that I missing out on everything. I want to get up early, I want to be productive, I want to have a job, I want to do everything I'm not doing. What did I do today? Saw Saved! and coached my bro's baseball game. Other than those two things, I didn't do much all day. Which is 1) depressing and 2) not enough to satisfy me for the day. It means that I'm staying up till anywhere from 2-4 am, sleeping until 10-1, and missing out on all of the crap I'm hoping that I could do. Tomorrow's the lake party, which ought to be a day full of rest and relaxation. Instead, I'm going to be running around like a squirrel that can't decide if he wants to cross the road. And at some point I'm afraid I'll get nailed by a car. I have to get up early to take the cars to get washed, then I've got baseball practice to attend from 10-11:30 (which I'll have to shower after), then go make an appearance at Mr. Casey's bbq / election party. I'll need to get home and change for Amber's wedding, which is at 2, then as soon as the ceremony is done, I'm gonna change again and drive for 2 hours up to the lake, with maybe a quick stop in CS beforehand. It all has me very stressed. I hate it. For some reason, I don't think I'm going to get very much sleep tonight. I want everyone to see what's inside of me. I want to show it every day, I mean everything I say Want to show you everything, every piece of me. I want to bleed right now. blessed are the weak, for they have been given emo. M. |
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disappointed| .and the war continues. | ||||
| 12:22am 12/06/2004 | ||||
i think i've come to the conclusion that my life is a paradox of wasted time perpetuated only by my magnificient ability to waste time. and i think i came about this ability by being a waste myself. just another pattern in my life, i guess. speaking of patterns, i've gotten into this pattern of driving back and forth between duncanville and college station every few days because i've had to practice with our praise band at home for UM Army in a few weeks then come back and play for worship here on sundays. and, because i drive so much, i am proposing that they, whoever they are, put some roadside entertainment on highway 6. something i can enjoy while i'm coming and going because i've found myself, at times, just staring, straight ahead at nothing. no focusing on anything, not listening to my music...just thinking. and that's of course when the emotions kick in, and the head and the heart start bickering. it got so bad at one point, i stopped my car on the side of the road, got out, kicked the door, and then threw up. how's that for a fun drive? other than the emotions and battles that plague my everyday life, i can't even seem to find a faith within myself. i haven't prayed in days, or weeks, i don't even know. and, i constantly find myself sitting on my balcony saying, "wow, i haven't prayed in days, or weeks, i don't even know. and i haven't read my bible either. maybe i should do that..." but does anything happen? yep, you guessed it...not a damn thing happenes. i just continue on with my life which isn't mine to begin with. i just don't understand anything at all right now. i feel lost in a place i'm so familiar to. none of this is making any sense i bet, but thats the way things are. and, to top everything off, i still can't sleep. what sleep i get usually includes lying down at 6 in the morning only to wake up at 7 to turn over, stare at the wall, and not go back to sleep til 8, at which point i wake up at 8:30 to toss, turn and continue my sleepless, restless cycle. and it's not that i can't sleep, it's that every time i try, i get all these images and memories that infect my mind. memories that bring back all the emotions i can possibly feel. and after i go through all the memories, my heart starts in with its rambling and my head, seeing the opportunity for a fight, joins in. and at this time, too many thoughts have come into my mind so i begin thinking about everything i've thought about before, all while my heart and mind add their own color commentary. so i get up, night after night and roam around places i don't know but have so commonly seen. a town i live in, but can't find a home. i've lost all sense of what i'm talking about. maybe i can find hope somewhere else... and now, subliminal rock lyrics in italics! yay!! This isn't how its supposed to be But you are so good at taking your time To get back to me. I will wait for you forever, If you would just ask me. I thought that i could change you But you changed me. It doesn't feel right Holding someone else's hand. Together on phone line And living at two opposite ends. It scares me to think that you could find takers other than me and better than me, But you're head is elsewhere, and i'm talking enough for both of us. When will you see it's not so easy for me And i'm eaten alive by what i hold inside. All the things that i live with i can't easily hide And i'm left here with nothing, nothing to live for But you. And although my hands are shaking I lie perfectly still Cause i'm determined to let myself sink down. I know i'm buried too far down To feel the warmth from the sun again. Cause i'm broken when i'm open. And i don't feel like i am strong enough. Cause i'm broken when i'm lonesome. And i don't feel right when youre gone away. Can a song replace a broken heart? Can a song replace broken love? No. So, i remind myself That holding hands is so powerless. Tonight, i don't even have the stars To hold onto. it's been 23 days. i'm still sorry for this. for everything. J. |
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distressed| survey time | ||||
| 12:29am 06/06/2004 | ||||
[x] name: Marc [x] sex: male [x] occupation: student [x] favorite people: my family/friends [x] favorite place to be: my apt/wesley/church [x] favorite color(s): blue, red [x] three main interests: music, movies, being a dork [x] your house is: in sugar land, bordering oyster creek [x] describe yourself in four words: dork, freckled, computer literate [x] job: UNEMPLOYED!!! _______Rewind_______ [x] most memorable memory: catch with my dad [x] worst: waking up in a hospital bed/ambulance [x] favorite word of all time: indeed [x] first best friend ever: thomas...wow, i wonder where he is _______Love?_______ [x] love is: all you need...well, that and jesus [x] are you in love: i don't think so [x] love or lust?: love [x] when love hurts, you: re-think it [x] true or false: all you need is love: see up [x] is there such thing as love at first sight?: no [x] if someone fucks you over, you: are bitter...really really bitter _______Opposite Sex_______ [x] turn ons: intelligence, respect for oneself, eyes, good sense of humor.. someone that can make anything fun [x] your parent's opinion on your bf/gf matter to you?: yes [x] the sweetest thing a member of the opposite sex can do for you?: be a good friend. [x] tall or short: medium [x] looks or smarts: smarts [x] are you the type of person to HOLLA and ask for numbers?: what? no! _______Picky Picky_______ [x] best pets: cats [x] short or long hair: medium to long [x] sunshine or rain: sun[x] ink or piercings: both [x] hugs or kisses: both [x] straight edge or druggy: no drugs [x] favorite drink: orange soda [x] snail mail or e-mails: mail of any kind is superb [x] playstation or nintendo: nintendo [x] car or skateboard: if i could skate.. i'd be all about skateboards [x] best place for a photo shoot: anywhere that provides artistic opportunity...real opportunity [x] sing or dance: eh?? _______Lately_______ [x] how are you today? a little sore [x] what pants are you wearing right now? old navy dark blue jeans [x] What shirt are you wearing right now? mighty mouse ringer that hot topic used to carry [x] what does your hair look like at the moment? studly [x] what song are you listening to right now? NEW ZAO!!! [x] last dream you can remember? last night i dreamed that i was hired by coke to assassinate the CEO of pepsi...not really, but it would have been fun [x] who are you talking to right now? alicia [x] what time is it? 12:20 _______More About YOU!_______ [x] what are the last four digits of your phone number? home:1481 cell:2304 [x] if you were a crayon, what colors would you be? indian red [x] ever OD'd? nope.. drugs are the devil [x] what's the next CD you are going to buy? UNDEROATH - They're Only Chasing Safety [x] what's the last drug you took? depakote [x] what's the best advice ever given to you? keep it in your pants [x] what's the stupidest thing you have ever done? i do a lot of stupid stuff [x] how many kids do you want to have? 2/3 [x] plan on getting married? yes [x] what are you most scared of? that i might have screwed up before [x] how many TV's do you have in your house? SL: 4 CS: 1 [x] vegan, veggie or carnivoreeee: CARNIVORE! [x] have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone? yes [x] who do you dream about?: random crap [x] who do you tell your dreams to? my LJ...haha, jk. i write them down sometimes [x] your significant other is: Elizabeth [x] your parents are: Eric and Susan [x] your body type is: dunno [x] eyes: brown [x] skin color: not quite tanned [x] in school: not for the summer [x] prejudices: annoying people [x] pet peeves: people with poor grammar, people that go back on what they say i'm bored...save me. ALERT! marc's new SN = yourownzero |
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bored| yarrr | ||||
| 03:02am 04/06/2004 | ||||
i'm such a pirate. oh well. and the new ZAO is off the hook...if there ever was a hook to be upon. thank god for IRC and awesome people! \m/arc |
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enthralled| blessings come in mixed bags... | ||||
| 11:29pm 01/06/2004 | ||||
marc |
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| ugh...is it morning already? | ||||
| 11:48am 01/06/2004 | ||||
"What if he goes out and blows up a bus full of nuns? How'd you like to write the headline on that one?" "Nun Soup?" hahahahaha....i laughed so hard at that movie. plus, i rented bubba ho-tep, which i'll watch in the next couple days. it's supposed to be awesome, so we'll see. (bruce campbell plays an old "Elvis" in a nursing home...and there's an old black "JFK" too) today i get to go stand up and talk in front of a bunch of people all about why i love wesley and the impact it's made on my life. then i get free dinner. max and ross will be there, so i'll have fun guys to hang out with. oh, and adam might have found me a job. he just called me and said they fired someone this morning. so i might be working at sam's club this summer, working rotisserie. mmm, chicken. chicken at 8 bucks/hour. i think i can handle it. it means i'm gonna have to start obeying my alarm clock though. darn. alright, i better get cleaned up. marc |
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awake| what the hell happened here? | ||||
| 01:22am 30/05/2004 | ||||
m |
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| i am the clay | ||||
| 12:47am 30/05/2004 | ||||
marc p.s. - highly recommended reading = Simplicity by Mark Salomon Father, how I adore You those words are not enough |
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| .of thoughts and emotions. | ||||
| 05:56am 29/05/2004 | ||||
   well…apparently, stuff has happened since my last post. school ended for the summer. i saw movies and got some cds. Friends ended. rearranged the apartment. started exercising and quit the next day. got a new keyboard and mouse. and a new razor. gas prices also went up. etc upon etc. ya know, i don’t even remember what my last post was about. i imagine things were happier, or better, depending on the narrator. well, at the moment, 5:37 am on yet another sleepless night to be precise, i’m just….i don’t even know what i am right now. i really just don’t know what i feel and i don’t really know why or what to do. guess life is just back to normal. honestly, i’ve just been hit with a constant whirlwind of emotions lately, and i somehow seem to feel frustrated, angry, sad, happy, hopeful, depressed, comforted and confused all at once. it’s like i know tomorrow will come, but i keep getting lost on the way. and now, it feels like i’m back to fighting my inner battles, just for a different cause this time around. a battle where my heart and my head can’t line up and agree on anything. they constantly fight now and argue with one another. my head just wants to work things out and make sense of the pieces in my life, but my heart seems to know what’s already right. i guess my head has seen the past but my heart can see the future. and i don’t know who to side with or which one to listen to. both have grown so restless that i can't focus on anything and i can't get anything done. i can't even sleep. And even when i try i just end up staring at the walls or the ceiling. and, in the wake of the self assessment i've been doing, i've noticed that it’s probably nothing inside me that’s at the root of my discontent. instead, i think it’s just me. the person i am. i try and pin my inability to achieve my goals or to accomplish the simplest of tasks on my bullshit “inner battles”. rather, it’s just the fact that i can't commit anything to myself. oh sure, i can commit more than i have to other things. i would do anything for family or friends, literally. i would do anything for marc, or for jamie, or for jenn, or katie, or for any of my friends who asked or didn’t ask. i think i would even risk my life to save a damn dog from getting hit by a vehicle, if it came right down to it. it’s just the kind of person i am. but, i won't attempt to do even the slightest thing for myself. i can't exercise or eat right when i honestly want to. i can't finish a book. i can't keep up a work ethic with school. i can't be content with what ' have, or don’t have. i can't even pray or read my bible on a regular basis. and i've tried the whole radical “i’m gonna make a change in my life” routine but that just turned to shit, and i ended up right back where i started: unaccomplished, alone, and pissed off at myself, and the world for that matter. maybe this is just the vicious cycle of my life... but then again, maybe i am totally wrong, and there really is a war going on inside me. a war between reason and reality, compromise and compassion, thoughts and emotions. a war that i can't fight and, a war that i probably can't win. i guess i’m done now. i’m sorry for this. for everything. J.  |
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indescribable| boredom rules!!! (help, i'm going crazy) | ||||
| 02:47pm 27/05/2004 | ||||
Thirteen random things you like: 01) movies 02) mosh pits 03) shopping...the man's way 04) hot topic 05) hardcore 06) talking with old friends 07) taking pictures 08) writing 09) soda in glass bottles 10) monday night jack in the box tradition 11) chuck palahniuk 12) making music 13) driving Twelve movies: 01) fight club 02) american history x 03) requiem for a dream 04) kill bill (it's 1 movie really) 05) american beauty 06) se7en 07) LOTR 08) memento 09) spy game 10) donnie darko 11) boondock saints 12) cowboy bebop Eleven good bands/artists: 01) DEMON HUNTER 02) HASTE THE DAY 03) DEAD POETIC 04) PROJECT 86 05) STAVESACRE 07) BELOVED 08) AS I LAY DYING 09) ZAO 10) MEWITHOUTYOU 11) ANBERLIN Ten things about you ... physically: 01) brown hair 02) brown eyes 03) 6'1" 04) 3 piercings 05) freckles galore 06) 'monkey arms' 07) big hands 08) i have bruises from moshing this week 09) size 11 1/2 feet 10) wearing contacts Nine good friends: 01) alicia 02) wes 03) jarrod 04) michael 05) ben 06) loulou 07) sam 08) peter 09) josh Eight favorite foods/drinks: 01) coke 02) taquitos 03) hot tea 04) italian food 05) chinese food 06) sushi 07) orange soda (anybody remember keenan & kel) 08) strawberry orange banana juice Seven things you wear daily: 01) pants 02) shirt 03) boxers 04) belt 05) earrings 06) contacts/glasses 07) footwear (shoes or sandals) Six things that annoy you: 01) traffic 02) bad drivers 03) boredom 04) my busted laptop 05) stupid people (the ones with no common sense) 06) incorrect grammar Five things you touch everyday: 01) clothes 02) computer keyboard 03) the floor 04) my phone 05) bible Four shows you watch: 01) aqua teen hunger force 02) sealab 2021 03) family guy 04) harvey birdman Three places you go regularly: 01) wesley 02) church 03) jack in the box Two of your favorite books: (that i've read recently) 01) , said the shotgun to the head by saul williams 02) choke by chuck palahniuk One person you want to see right now: 01) elizabeth (who's in virginia for some stupid reason...family or something :P) like biting on these bitter tasting pills and we're just heroes, we're just heroes for the day |
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| baseball rules!! | ||||
| 01:20am 27/05/2004 | ||||
tomorrow i'm gonna hang out with rachel and she's finally gonna see fight club, we'll play some pool...and maybe even tennis. then more fun stuff later on. hmm...this means i need to find a copy of fight club. i'll have to rent it. i have a major dilemma now...i'm registerd for summer school, but a spot opened up for me on the mexico mission trip with my youth group, which is the 2nd week of school. and i'm torn between the two of them. prayers are greatly appreciated, bc i don't want to do the wrong thing here. ok...well i still need to read my biblia and get sleep, so i'm outta here. .m.a.r.c. |
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| keepin busy | ||||
| 12:00pm 26/05/2004 | ||||
what else happened yesterday? oh yea, i went with my parents to Corelli's for a nice italian lunch (which was my breakfast). we got put in this booth in the front and i wound up looking straight between my parents at this annoying kid in the next booth that would not shut up...apparently jim carrey movies were the main topic of discussion at his table, as he explained practically all of bruce almighty to what was i'm guessing his parents. not only did he explain it, he freakin acted it out, and then did scenes from liar liar and dumb and dumber. anyways, the kid just wouldn't shut up. but the food was great (spicy italian sausage calzone) and i was thoroughly satisfied. um, rachel came over and helped me with the flash stuff (after not using it for two years, it took me a little while to pick it back up). i played volleyball last night at church and kicked some major butt, and my shoulders are kinda sore...i could really use a backrub. i finished up the flash, talked with people for a while, then went to bed. tonight i'm goin to the astros game with mark canady...i've barely seen him since we graduated, so it should be fun apparently he has a new tattoo...and he hasn't seen my piercings. play ball. marc |
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