Jay's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]

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[28 Feb 2007|09:04pm]
July 11

I told the shrink what has been happening to me, and he did all these tests on me. They even sent me to a lab and they couldn't find anything obviously wrong with me. He just gave me some antidepressants, and told me we'd continue next time. I hope I get better.
Me and Lacy (the wicca girl) are hanging out alone at my house tomorrow. I wonder if anything is going to happen. Just in case, I bought some condoms. It was kinda funny buying them, I was so nervous and it took me like 15 minutes to just get up the courage to buy them. I put them in between two candy bars when I checked out hoping the cashier, who was an old lady, wouldn't notice. I don't know why I'm so scared of what others think of me sometimes.
My dreams though, they are becoming disturbing. The monster things are back and talking to me. Last night, the dream was me in school and i was alone in my classroom. No one was to be found, except this big figure in a black trenchcoat in the corner. He started walking toward me, and the room got darker as he approached, I couldn't move though. He got close and whispered "choose," handed me a knife, and then pointed to two manikens. One was me, and one was Lacy. I didnt understand what the knife was for, but I walked towards Lacy's manniken and then all the sudden, the manniken of me started to move towards me, took the knife from me and slit my throat, and I woke up just before taking my last breath.
It was fucking scary, but I got over it after having some count chocula for breakfast which I absolutely love.
Well, I'm feeling kinda horny now for some reason, I think I'm going to go watch some porn and wank it.
At least when I'm doing that, there's no scary trenchcoat guys or voices.
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[03 Aug 2006|11:45am]
July 7

I met a girl! She's really nice and into Wicca and stuff. I think she might like me. We're going to the movies tomorrow! Things may be looking up for me.
I'm hearing those "things" in my head now though. They aren't in my dreams anymore. What they say isn't scary though, unlike the dreams. One thing I remember was one said "nothing is what it seems" which was cool cause I guess it isn't and stuff when you really think about it.
Ow my head.

July 9

Wow, what a night! Last night we went to the movies and she gave me a kiss on the cheek. I think we're going out now, but I dunno. I should ask one of her friends.
What was weird though was before the movies I went to get her flowers and I started crying hysterically in the middle of the Flower store. I cried so hard I blacked out, and I woke up a half hour later with a bunch of people staring at me. Nobody even called 911. What if I was dying? Those jerks.

July 10

they wont stop.they wont stop.they wont stop.they wont stop.they wont stop.
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story? [25 Apr 2006|08:02am]
June 21
today was a normal day i guess. i went to school, then came home. same as everyday. I\'ve been feeling pretty sad lately, mostly because of family stuff and girl issues. Fucking a, I can never get someone to like me and if I get close, BAM I fuck up!
But something weird is happening to me, that I can\'t really explain articulately. I woke up today feeling a little sick to my stomach. It might have been from my dream, because lately all my dreams have been weird beyond explanation. I can\'t even remember most of them besides the fact that they were extremely bizzare. All sorts of weird, I dunno, \"monsters?\" But they talked to me and looked somewhat human. they seem to ramble about all these abstract ideas and such, I dunno it\'s pretty stupid, I didn\'t understand it.
But dammit, why won\'t she like me? What don\'t I have? Ugh I suck, I\'m so pathetic.
Man, everytime I go on about my problems mym head starts throbbing and sometimes I pass ou.....

June 23
it seems I slept through an entire day after passing out. It\'s weird though. My dream was just me going to school and coming home as normal. Those \"things\" were there again.
So I\'ve been thinking, the reason girls don\'t like me isn\'t because I\'m not good enough it\'s cause I just lack confidence! So my problem is just lack of confidence. Well I won\'t let that deter me. Ouch, my head. I think I\'m going to go lay down.

June 26
I woke up this morning and nobody was here. Not my mom or anybody. My head hurt so badly I could barely walk straight. But then suddenly I woke up in school on my desk sleeping. It must have just been a dream. But I\'ve been out for days at a time recently because I sleep through them. I figure I go to the doctors or something tomorrow. More school missed, but whatever. I don\'t care much anymore. My life is one big pile of shit.

June 27
It is 11:57 AM. Nobody is home. The lights don\'t work. And the door is partially open. There is a trail of blood leading to upstairs, but I\'m too afraid to move. I want to call 911 but again, I am too scared to move. My head is throbbing immensly. what is going o....

June 27
It\'s 2 PM. I have just woken up, and everything is seemingly normal. I can\'t explain some of these dreams. The monsters aren\'t in them anymore. I actually was thinking about stuff before I went to bed the other night. Ya know about myself and such. Pretty neat stuff. I figured I must have General Depression. I told my mom and I\'m going to a shrink and going to be put on antidepressants. Which I\'m lad for, cause I don\'t deserve this torment any longer. Everything goes wrong for me I hate i......

July 6
You know when you overlook something so obvious and feel dumb for it? Well I just noticed that those journal entires I wrote in my dreams, they\'re in this journal. Maybe I was sleep-writing? I don\'t know. But I\'ve been out for days now. Good thing school is out so I\'m not missing anything. Well maybe except life...
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[13 Feb 2006|09:42am]
thoughts everywhere and uncontrolled
anger, greed, want to feed
and don\'t give heed
to what i really feel.

i need help.
i need direction, guidance
and protection.

i have sinned
but want to win
back my mind
which i cant seem to find...
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Socially Unacceptable [26 Jan 2006|10:07am]
I saw this kid today. He had the most peculiar and intriguing appearnce.
Hadn\'t shaved in a few weeks i take it, messy hair, doscounht store clothes and he was walking all by his lonesome.
This \"loser\" kept ti himself and walked down the hall silently, with that \"i don\'t want to be here,\" smirk on his face.
As I\'m observing this hideous creature, my friend is saying words to me but im focused on the figure of this creature.
Walking around pompusly with his ripped clothes and smug expression.
My frien points out this fuck up, and makes a comment about how unattractive he is.
My friend is gay by the way and ironnicall enough, he tells me to \"check out that faggot!\"
This queer.
This being, not fit for society.
Who does he think he is to look like that in public?!
I should laugh at him. This fucking dork. Point him out to everybody and scream to them, \"look at the freak and how different he is\"
goddamn loser.
As these thoughts are flourishing in my brain, this queer gets his books slammed to the floor from his hands. Serves that little shit right!
I have every right to go over there and throw his books farther away from him and laugh as he scrambles for them.
Learn how to dress right.
learn how to do your hair.
And shave for godsake!
I go over there, ready to make my attack.My moment of glory.
I look this loser in the eyes, lower myself to his height and...
I hug him.,
and I cry uncontrollably.
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Chapter 1 of my story that will take a long time and I might not finish.... [24 Jan 2006|11:42am]
[ mood | fuck school ]
[ music | winslow playing piano cause im in school ]

I don\'t know where i am exaclty, but something tells me I\'m outside. Maybe it\'s the cold, brisk breeze blowing over my sweat drenched hair. I can see nothing but the blackness of my eyelids which are being pressed closed by a black cloth tightly tied to the back of my head. They didn\'t bind my hands and I don\'t know why. I guess they know by this time, I\'m too weak to fight back.
If I only hadn\'t opened my fucking mouth. I had to say that outloud in front of my, now, captors. A few wrong words uttered, and you\'re being led through darkness in the cold by shouting voices without faces. See the thing about my captors is, they don\'t like to think about stuff. So any attempt to make them do so isn\'t taken well. The blood dripping out of my outh is from a gun but to the face after muttering \"why are you doing this?\" Not even quasi-philosophical, and I\'ve lost a few of my teeth.
Philosophy is playing a big part is this story though. No I\'m not spouting out my own doctrine in this story, I doubt you\'d want to hear it. Well at least my captors don\'t. They told me if I speak one more word I would lose more teeth. I don\'t know about you, but I enjoy chewing food and am not the kind of guy who would go for a hamburger smoothie. But this is all related to thinking and all that wonderful stuff that no one does nowadays. How I came to it, and eventually to here.
Maybe I had it coming, because I can\'t say I\'m completely and innocent man. I\'ve done my share of fucked up things. Well at least things deemed unacceptable by society which seems to dictates our morals. But seriously, what\'s so wrong with giving the host of today\'s most popular celebrity gossip show a less than lethal poison that simply leaves him bedridden for a few weeks in excrutiating pain, then pretending you\'re him for a few weeks? I\'ll get to that later.
It\'s part of why I\'m here really. But not the exact reason. The exact reason was opening my fucking mouth. However, the events leading up to that brought me to that situation. I don\'t know if I can recall it exactly, but i think I remember most of it.
Where I am now is colder than before despite my sweat drying and leaving my hair in some nappy gross fashion. As you will learn though, the last thing I care about is my appearance... well eventually. It didn\'t start out that way. It does feel gross though. I\'m feeling sleepy, and want to collapse but I won\'t out of fear of hamburger smoothies.
Turkey milkshakes.
So brace yourself, this story gets intense. Well for me. Maybe not for you as you don\'t have some faceless buffs screaming and you and assaulting you. But they may come for you next. Well if you\'re dumb like me and say something you shouldn\'t. Or say something that someone thinks is \"wrong.\" Big emphasis on the quotations.

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Some writing pieces I've done recently.... [18 Dec 2005|11:52am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | A Perfect Circle-Fiddle and the Drum ]

This enormous wall isolates me. I can hear voices on the other side, and there is a door right there... But i can't find escape. My arms strapped down... i could simply unstrap them too... but no escape...

I'm that weird kid no one really knows at the party. The one that stands in the corner and talks to no one, well besides a select few for a few minutes. Then he may do something out of the ordinary to draw your attention, but then he's off. And everyone is left wondering "hey, where'd that guy go?"

Is it a fear of people? Or a fear of what they think? Or some mental disorder they'll be sure to fill me with happy pills for?

Um, no. That's a bit exagerrated. It isn't really an intense fear.

I am staying right here though.

But I can see right through to the other side. The crowds of people conversing and laughing amongst themselves over something that's funny to them and only them. Staring on I am marveled by their behavior, and repulsed by the level of noise...

Damn, they've spotted me. I may be pulled out of my antisocial comfort space. Oh god, one's approaching.....

"Do you want any food?"

"no. thank you"

Phew, thank god that worked...


Love Stories are Lame
They Are All The Same
With the Exact Same frame
They never change, yet no one complains...

» Once upon a time, there was this girl who could never seem to find that certain someone.
So She Killed Herself.

» There once was this couple that had been together a long while. They were very much in love with each other. One day, they were holding hands and crossing the street. They stopped in the middle of the vacant road. The boy turned to the girl, looked in her eyes, and said "I love you," and then kissed her passionately on the lips.
Then the girl was hit by a bus.
Now send this to 40 people, or Myspace will ensure that the zombie girl comes to kill you tonight.

» Jimmy was a nice boy. He was very quiet. He could never find a girlfriend though. And he wanted one so badly. But there was this one, special girl he has always liked. Mary.
So one day Jimmy worked up enough courage to ask Mary out. He thought it through all day. Even got roses for her. Then the moment came. He walked up to Mary, tapped her on the shoulder and handed the roses to her. He looked in her eyes and said "I like you a lot, and always have. Will you please be my girlfriend?"
Mary then looked at Jimmy, bit his neck and ripped out his jugular.


The derivative equals 2x+5...
The dry erase marker lets out a shrill squeak as it tell me what today's lesson is. What I have to remember today. Not necessarily understand. It is my master.
x equals 3....
Open notebook, shut eyes. See, that's the thing about staying up late, you don't get much sleep. Those bastard meterologists. I expected a snow day. A day to frolic as if I was 5. Oh how splendid that would have been.
I wonder if weathermen really don't know what they're doing. They just make educated guesses. And happen to acquire some skill at it. There is snow outside though. Just enough to give you that feeling of winter... but not the 4-10 inches I was promised.
Ahh, my escape. The Window. It's my little safe haven during Level 1 Calculus with Mr. Loper. I don't know why, but it's always beautiful outside that window. Given that the view is piled with rows of cars, and streets stacked with houses. Imagine that in a house advertisement. "It has a glroious view overlooking the parking lot."
Is that a 9 or a 4?
My face reads misery, but my heart screams joy as I gaze into the outside world. My microcosm of beauty. My little world of placidness. Not paying attention to the big world of "I don't want to be here," that is surrounding me at the moment.
Sometimes you have to be trapped inside to appreciate what's outside.
Ah yes, visions of running outsi.....
Nevermind, we have a test.
Goodbye microcosm.
The derivative is... fuck I don't know...



I am...
You, he, she, it, that
Are I
and I am All
All is I
I means We
And we means I
So iof I am all
then we are all
and If I am one
We are one!

Haiku for High School

I am so Tired
I had to get up at 6
I don't like high school

Four Lines that will turn into a long a poem that doesnt suck...

Eyes wide, from inside I find
Minds unwind and intertwine
In a moment of beautiful bliss, that bears
something seen new here

Love Haiku

I love Most of you
As for the other people
I love them as well

Diesel Haiku

I like Vin Diesel
He's So fast and furious
Wish he'd be my dad


From my little vessel powered by pistons and rotating tires against pavement marked with streaks of white and yellow, I look onto the change of scenery. Well at least a change for me. These new sights of mixed patterns of pine and leaveless trees spark new thoughts, new feelings. The combination of orange, gray, green, red, and yellow arrouse a feeling that is somewhat blue. No. Greenish-Blue. Wait. Aqua Marine.
I chuckle at that thought. Not aqua marine but AN Aqua Marine. Vin Dieself could be an Aqua Marine. He's fight battles with octopus warlords under the sea. But, enough about Vin Dieself. Then again, how can you ever have enough Vin Diesel especially as an Aqau Marine.... So moving on.
We have passed the former scenery. Oh and by we I mean my mom and aunt who happen to be in the car with me. They have no clue I;m writing about them...
Okay, so onto the beauty of the mountainous terrain full of trees...
Sorry, I just thought of Vine Diesel driving this car in his Aqua Marine suit, under water to fight The Aqua Bionic Jimmy Stewart and his Octopus warlords...
Okay, this isn't working.
The Scenery is beautifu and it feels amazing to be mindful of such beauty. There, dammit. That was the initial idea.

Heh, Bionic Jimmy Stewert vs. Aqua Marin Vin Diesel...


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a bit pallahniuk esque? well i can't write so deal with it... [18 Nov 2005|10:26pm]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | The Brown Derbies-Banditos ]

Bell rung. Walking to next class. A break in the daily routine of school. Ya know, memorize, regurgitate, repeat. Like a shampoo that eats your brain. Pert Plus for the Zombified.
This is my break in the day. However it's amongst a sea of voices.
Actually, voices isn't quite it.
What I hear more is chaotic battle field filled with yells, gossip, and ya know that humor that people say is "random," nowadays?
Just simply moving from one class to another, someone is holding a spoon to your mouth as if it were an airplane saying "open wide for the distractions!" Mmm, societies' favorite. Soon gerber will be marketing ignorance in a jar for your young'ns.
Manuevering through the chaotic battlefield, dodging mine fields full of "did you hear what that bitch said about my man?" and cowering in fear from the battle cries of "fuck you," "dude that's gay guy," and "that was random."
And finally, I'm at my next class. My safe haven. Well partially. The Battle itself is far away, however my teacher in pinching my nose so I'll open wide for the airplane of the school's mission statement of, "don't think, just do."
But to be fair, that's better than Televisions simpler mantra of "don't think." At least school encourages you to be productive with your ignorance.
But, I have noticed the number of TVs in the classroom is growing nowadays...

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before I pine away... [04 Oct 2005|11:34pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | tool-reflection ]

I started the school year quite happy and motivated and such.
And it's not that I'm not happy with my life, cause I am. But as school progresses,m my motivation goes down, and my excitement decreases.
With such a bigger workload than last year, along with school work, I am exhasuted everday and just want to do nothing but sit around. The once hopeful eyes are being closed because of monotony, and severe lack of sleep. See I can't operate on anything less than 8 hours a night. And 5-6 hours is just horrendous.
And while all thise affects my mood clearly physiologically, I'm becoming saddened by my own degradation to being unmotivated, cause if I remain so, I'll become "Okay" with amounting to nothing.
One of my aspirations is through my music, art, and social interactions is that I can be a teacher to people around me, affecting them positively and trying to help them in the pursuit of contentment and mindfulness. And I'm losing my motivation for it, which upsets me. And all these things that are upsetting me, I'm too exhausted to try and do anything about it.
I need to meditate and get more sleep. I got to stop procrastinating things, given yes I'm exhausted and want to relax, but if I don't put a little more effort into things, I'll never get back my motivation and excitement.
School institutes just a system of the same routine day by day, surrounded by mean spirited, ignorant people. Not inspiring creativity or expression, actually repressing it. Trying to spew out drones to fit into society. Such monotony is hard for anyone to deal with, but hopefully I can find a way to not let it get to me too too much. I think I just need, I dunno. I don't really "need" anything. There are just certain things I should do if I want to improve my current physical and emotional.
I feel most inspired when surrounded by loved ones, engaged in meaningful conversation or even just having fun. And in school, it seems like no one is like working with each other and helping each other with ideas or their happiness. No one's helping each other be mindful, or to be loving. And you know, being in the same routine as everyone, you get caught up in it.
i think i can help straighten myself out, cause I don't want to be miserable all year and I'd also like to have to motivation to help others.
So who wants to go for a walk sometime? Or work on art outside? Or ride bikes somewhere? Or share ideas? or meditate? or love?
I know I've been far too exhausted for a lot of these, but I'm gonna try. I'll need help from people though.

Hopefully once marching band is over in a month and a half or so, I'll have more free time, hence I won't be so painfully exhausted all the time. And I won't have back problems.

I should be asleep by now, so much for taking my own advice.

infinite amounts of love to you all...

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oh how i'd like to defuse your time bomb anger, it's screaming danger danger... [03 Sep 2005|08:48pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Sleepiness makes me crazy.

I've realized that we are really quick to judge. Whoever doesn't see things as we do. This applies to everyone. Even those who see things outside the accepted view of reality. They will pick on those who don't see things that way and won't even try to understand why they don't and also at one point, they themselves were the same if not worse. When you judge those who you deem the "same," you drop to the level of those who judge you for being "different."

Love everyone, even your enemies. Anger is so destructive to yourself and others. Try to see why they act the way they do, or take into account how you used to be. Making fun of even those who are lost in ignorance, is the pathway right back into ignorance. Turn your anger into compassion, and instead of laughing and saying hurtful things about those who are lost. Try to help them if this is a situation where they need help. if they refuse your help then don't concern yourself with their matters. They will do things you deem "stupid" and going on and on about it does absolutley nothing but make you bitter and even more ingorant than the "stupid" person.

No one is inherently better than anyone else.

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311's got the boom yall! [20 Aug 2005|12:34am]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | Jamie Cullum-Twentysomething ]

Dancing around barefoot was awesome.

God help anyone who like papa roach or unwritten law, they were awful.

But 311 played many many songs and were amazing, um they played the following (not the right order)....

Freak Out
Beautiful Disaster
Freeze Time
Use of time
Beyond the gray sky
Don't Tread on Me
Solar Flare
Frolic Room
Do You Right
Creatures For Awhile
All Re-Mixed Up
What Was I Thinking
Applied Science

Omaha Stylee
Who's Got the Herb
Feels So Good

I believe that is all. Good times, good times...

6th 311 show and counting....

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Love is all I need... [13 Aug 2005|02:06am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Ben Folds-Gracie ]

Compassion offers fullfilment and a feeling like no other. It is what keeps you connected to all of humanity. It is what binds us all along with knowlege. Other things offer you extreme moments of bliss but ones that only last very temporarily and destory you in the long run. Compassion offers ever lasting fullfilment. If you're compassionate you can make a difference in this world. What else do we have in this world besides each other? Love, learn, live is all we can do and when we do, we have a purpose in life.
People respond to compassion. There is no greater feeling than loving and being loved.
we are all selfish in the sense that we all want to be happy in our short time here. so it's scaled, yea it's selfish in a way, but we all have that urge. It's instinct. Why do these things matter? What if none of this matters? I accept it as a possiblity, but even so. If it's nothing why not make it something? Why not turn this nothingness into something beautiful? Something with meaning? Something to be remembered? If we are just the playing out of particles then there is no point to living, so why do we have a survival instinct? There must be a point. Do you honestly think we just happened? There's a purpose. And in the meantime we must help ourselves and each others to make this place better for all. Am I selfish for wanting to be happy? I guess in a way, but it's instinct, and I'd much rather see others happy. Helping others brings me joy. Yes I do it cause helping others makes me feel good. You could keep going and keep calling it selfish but that's such an awful way to look at it. Should you not eat what tastes good to you? It may be satisfying my own needs but it's making a difference and affecting others positively. Now sitting around doing nothing for anyone? How is that making a difference and affecting others positively, making this place, having a purpose or not, better for all? It's not. Love, learn, live it's all we have. If I felt I had no purpose, I wouldnt be alive.

How is a rock different from a person? Do you not find it amazing you can have such thoughts? Have you been so distracted and desensitized you cannot see the beauty in simple things? Are you who you think you are? A rock with all it's billions of atoms and subatomic particles bonding in a fashion to create it's form is amazing to me. BUT, the same particle form us, AND WE CAN THINK, AND LOVE! Is that not astounding? Why do you take your own mind for granted? Once you see the beauty in simple things, you will feel connected. Lose your definitions of things, I think that's your problem. You're conditioned to believe things are a certain way and you can't see it. Lose the definitions. You want to know what compassion is? I can't write it down or even tell you. But hug someone, just hug them and I mean bear hug and just let go emotionally to them. Just be vulnerable.

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I would name her Rock n Roll... [12 Aug 2005|12:19pm]
[ mood | hungry ]
[ music | Primus-Shake Hands with Beef ]

fill my body with movement, spark the chemicals in my brain. cleanse my mind, soothe my ears. make my head shake and body thrash in unchoroegraphed patterns letting the emotion flow on which you have filled me with. get me to pick up that guitar with hopes of aspiration that what i create will have such effects on others as well as myself. Siimple string movements will tell you a tale of my enlightenment and despair. Bends and wails and flails tell a story of my own making that no one else could tell. through a vessel of wood and various electronics and nickel wound strings, i can speak without words.

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Cause I will knock you down... [08 Aug 2005|11:15pm]
[ mood | excited ]
[ music | 311-It's getting okay now ]

New 311, holy shit. So good. So fucking awesome.

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I lean against the wind... [08 Aug 2005|02:34am]
[ mood | calm ]
[ music | Incubus-Wish You Were Here ]

Crammed in a tight space
In this tent our bodies we will place
Packed together so close and tight
It's time to make a new friend tonight

bodies scattered under the light of the moon
and up comes the suggestion to spoon
"hello there stranger my name is jay"
in my foreign arms is where you shall stay

well you are welcome but this is awkward
but conservation of space is what i heard
so press up against me, in this awkward pose
for it is you tonight i shall hold

so close i can feel your beating heart
our faces are only 3 inches apart
i hope im comfy i hope i'm warm
10 bodies producing a tightly packed form

sleep should come soon, im almost there
but in the meantime ill just play with your hair
as you think to yourself "oh god i have a stalker"
dont worry, im nice, im cool, just a hair lover

i figure to drop the awkwardness and welcome this
I mean it's spooning, who couldn't resist
at least you're warm, at least you're comfy
i dont think anyone has ever been this close to me

morning is coming, lack of sleep i feel
wondering if last night was even real
i come to the realization quick and see
you are still in my arms right next to me

soon to awaken, and greet the world
here comes the end of my night with this girl
but i believe before you go
that there is something you should know

while normally my heart is filled with loneliness and fright
you brought me a great deal a comfort on that night.

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I can't Understand what makes a man hate another man... [07 Aug 2005|12:39am]
[ mood | okay ]
[ music | 311-Coda ]

Today (well yesterday technically) was the anniversary of the first atomic bomb dropped on hiroshima during world war II.

I have always found this to be one of the most horrid things done in history. Most of these people had nothing to do with the military or the war effort, but we didn't care. They had to pay simply because their leaders were fighting us. Even when their leaders offered a surrender we refused it just because we wanted "unconditional surrender." We wanted to make the Japanese pay for whatever reason.

So in an instant, we killed hundreds of thousands of people. And horridly wounding several thousand others. If people even looked at the blast their eyes melted. People were running down the streets charred, completely burnt, jumping into rivers for relief. Those killed were insantly incinerated, never expecting their death that morning. Also leaving many more to die of radiation sickness within the following days.

And yet this wasn't enough. A few days later we dropped the 2nd bomb on Nagasaki with similar effects. This was nothing more than wanting to make the Japanese "pay" and it escalated to such a degree. Egos between these two countries got so huge that it came to this. War is such a primitive thing. We resort to killing over disagreements. Of course this is sometimes necessary for simple defense. But is it really right for leaders of countries to send all these people they don't even know off to their death to fight their leaders' disputes? War saddens me, and yet it will never go away.

What's even scarier is the bombs dropped in 1945 aren't even close to the capacity of destruction we have now. How long will it take for the egos of countires to get so huge, they destroy the entire world?

Tonight my thoughts go out to all the civilians and soldiers who have died, been wounded, captured, and fought during times of war. They face a struggle most of us could never and will never face, and they see the apitamy of the negative side of humanity.

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You May say I'm a dreamer... [03 Aug 2005|12:15am]
[ mood | artistic ]
[ music | Writing a song actually ]

Bottling up emotion is terrible. I've never let myself just let go and let it out. So it just periodiucally comes back to agonize me with sorrow. But I don't want to rant about that right now.

Lately I've been thinking about Jesus. Like not in the "holy spirit" way, like I was inclined to as a kid" but like what he did and who he was. I just find myself amazed by this man's kindness, and compassion and yet he was still a human. He felt depression, and anger, and sadness. He cried just as any of us. And yet he still focused on helping others. Healing them. And it just inspires me to be like compassionate as possible with people. To help and love people as much as I can. I just think messiah or not, he was an amazing person that even if you're not christian, you should listen to his messages of love and compassion.
I thought this would be a longer entry. H'oh well...

I mean Cmon, jesus was the man.

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Love is... [01 Aug 2005|02:27am]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | Aqualung-If I Fall ]

You cruel thing.
You anonymous definition.
You gut wrenching desire.
What are you?
I've been told many things of what you are.
My elders have showed me what you are.
And I have tried to find you.
But their definition doesn't seem to work for me.
I am told to keep looking though, assured I will find it.
But I can only dwell in my own agony in this search.

I cling to those who stimulate my optical receptors
Those who bring bliss to my mind with their pheramones.
Only for them to go away.
Only for them to lose their interest in me.

I have loved, and love is cruel.
I will never find that someone because everytime I find someone
They walk away. And I think "Will I ever find the one?
"Why doesn't anything work out for me?"

I am the only one who can't find someone.

Then I realize the search is pointless.
People will say cause I am not being human
People will say it's cause I haven't looked hard enough.
But in all actuality love doesnt exist.

Perhaps I should have put quotes around love.
Because what I mean is your definition of love.
Because I have realized that this is not Love.
It is nothing at all.

I say to you my elders you were wrong!
I say to you my peers you were wrong!
I say to you media you were wrong!
I say to you society, you were wrong...

I have been conditioned to cling
My attatchment has been accepted
My lust has been called love
But really you were only encouraging my ignorance.

Love is not attatchment
Love is not desire
Love is not lust
Love is not what you all think it is.

Love is fullfilment
Love is compassion
Love is joy
Love is giving a big hug to your friends for no reason.

I can feel normal if I'm not around those I love.
I don't need to constantly satisfy sexual urges with those I love.
I can share everything with those I love
And learn fullfilment, not desire.

So i say unto thee
You mr society
you mr culture
you people


I am perfectly content not humping into oblivion.

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Just cause you feel it, Doesn't mean it's there... [31 Jul 2005|03:55pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | Radiohead-The Tourist ]

Gah I feel awful. Physically, but it does have a damper on my emotional state. Last night I had some bad mood swing, it wasn't pleasant. But h'anyways, Every morning when I wake up at my house I feel immensely sick. I think it's allergies but I think I'm sick as well. I got enough sleep, and yet I am really really exhausted.
Being sick like this always puts me back in a child like state of mind, I sit around and maybe exagerrate mny condition to catch the attention of someone. Maybe they'll come and rub my head or bring me something to make me feel better. Probabaly why I am writing this. I think the reason I don't act like this all the time is cause right now I have an excuse to be extremely vulnerable.
Hmm, h'oh well it's nothing too bad. Although I wouldn't mind a head rub, heh.


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Ignorance is bliss to those uneducated... [26 Jul 2005|12:45am]
[ mood | content ]
[ music | Radiohead-The Tourist ]

I sit here again, compelled to write. Not my deepest thoughts, but those I'm comfortable sharing with people. Things I desire for people to know, well people who are close to me.
A few nights ago, I couldn't sleep for awhile so I got a lot of thinking happening. Ya know I just went through the basic things in my life trying to figure out what's going on in my mind and around me and then suddenly, bliss. Suddenly enlightenment, Suddenly self satisfaction. I thought about some of the things in my life and was filled with fullfiling joy. I saw myself positively. I was proud of my guitar playing, i felt as if if I keep working at it I'm gonna be insane at guitar. Playing that day I had realized how quickly I was soloing. This along with people always telling me I'm "good," and "amazing."I was proud of my painting, as when john was over he said my painting was very "high quality." I thought about my friends and family and how i love them all and how they seem to care about me an respect me. I noticed that people are laughing at my jokes, and respecting my ideas. A change of pace. I thought about the people who find me "interesting." The people who I meet, or even my friends, and tell me I'm "brilliant," and "myself," and that I'm so "cool" and "classy" and "smart" even though I tell them otherwise. I am just who I am, I am not above or below anyone. But I realized how beautiful everything is.
Odd this is I think the thing that started this thinking was at Liz's party I was standing next to Lysh and she says to me "you know what we never do jay? we never hug" and she hugged me. And like it was an actual hug not those flimsy greeting hugs and whatnot. But the thing is, I don't really hug people I'm always shy they'll get freaked out and I've never even really hugged anyone close to me. And no one ever really asks me for one, not anyone I'm close to. So it wasn't like I was filled with excitement, as I used to if any girl hugged me or whatever, it was just fullfilment that a close friend of mine actually willingly hugged me to convey "compassion." I dunno, I know it sounds stupid and it may sound like I'm getting carried away with this but I'm just trying to convey an idea so bare with me. It's just that by someone giving off "compassion" to someone is so powerful, regardless of how much. And it's fullfilling, it's not like hugging someone you have a crush on cause then you never want to let go (crushes are silly to begin with.) I dunno, it just sent this spark off in my mind like "someone cares about me?" cause while I know people do, no one is really ever comfortable showing it. So YOU! yes you people need to be more compassionate with people! It is very rewarding.
Okay that was an idea I had floating around I needed to get out. But h'anyways despite the satisfaction I reminded myself to not get an ego about it, which I did a good job of cause I did not put myself above anyone. My satisfaction remained but the excitment about it faded, still good that I have satisfaction. Contentment for once.
But here's something else I'm gonna rant about to make this post actually semi interesting. It seems as if there are things people point out about me that are good about me, but then they get down on themselves. Things you'd think would inflate my ego. I was told by one person who read my journal semi-randomly, and another person that I just met that I am "brilliant." And others have called me "intriguing," and such. And it made me feel good but I try to be humble so when i was told that I was like "i am?" But when I told this to friends of mine it seems as if they just thought "no ones ever said that to me." And then I felt bad, like i dunno. But another time, even up till now Im on myspace and Alex points out that I have like 1941 profile views and other people have pointed it out and he was like "you have so many comments and stuff, I have like nothing on mine." And it's just myspace, just an internet site so of course I say this and he's like "yea but still." People always say like "I wish I could play guitar as good as you." People get jealous of "connections" I have with certain people. It feels like people are making it seem like so many people are interested in me and I'm "cool" and stuff. When I talk philosophy or even about things in my life to certain people they never argue with me. They take what I say as truth and the way things are. And I want to discuss, not just ramble to listeners even though I appreciate the listening as well. And I hate saying all these things cause it makes it seem as if Im trying to prove to you why I'm so "cool." I thought about all these things the other night as well and was left pondering "why me? why do I possess some of these things that others are so desiring of?"
I love and appreciate the positive things people say about me so much, but sometimes I feel like people in some way or another think I'm "cooler" and I'm not. I am equal if not lower than you people. And I'm not saying "you're just as cool as I am!" I'm saying "I'm almost as cool as you!"
People look at things others have that are good and wonder "why can't I have that, why dont I have that" and it seems as if all this does is distract you from what is wonderful and amazing in your life. I think this is partly caused by the lack of compassion we have for each other. We can't get fullfilment from each other so we want a quick fix from somewhere else. This is why people resort to "crushes" and obsessions with people, if they get that person it's a quick fix. But it wont offer you the lasting fullfilment that compassion does. But I'm not going to get into that now.
It just seems I've lost a lot of empty desire I used to have lately cause of the whole converting to buddhism thing. And I think I've finally overcome the desire to have what others have. I finally was able to realize that what I have is beautiful. And all you have beautiful things too, it's just some of you are too concerned on others beauty that you can't realize your own. Sometimes simply compassion convinces you of this beauty.
So I guess the main idea of this rant was compassion.

Yea I'm not proofreadin all of that, if one part doesn't make sense please tell me and I'll try to fix it or explain it.

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