20 most recent posts
|
|
| Teenage Politics' Journal 20 most recent posts |
|
I'm still around!! I am living with Trent again LOL....But this time, we have it all worked out. Things are good and we worked out all of our problems before I moved in. The kids are getting big, Kenna is 5 and Carson is 2. I'm in school, a year into my BS in Criminal Justice with an emphasis in Forensic Psychology. Things are pretty good. Trent went back to school, he's working on his Engineering degree, I'm really proud of him. He's still a fireman and holding down the same full time job. We're doing well....a while back we went through couples counseling and it really helped. We haven't had any big fights in a year. Just 2 or 3 small ones...just bickering really. I'm writing a book...an autobiography. About life with my Narcissistic mother. I'm on Chapter 7. Well, all for now, I hope all is well in Blurty land!!! I miss you guys!! xox ~C~ (Shoot Up)
This is from today:
This is from 12/5/2002, looks like I've gotten better! woo-hooo!: Disorder Rating Paranoid: Very High Schizoid: Moderate Schizotypal: Very High Antisocial: High Borderline: Very High Histrionic: High Narcissistic: Moderate Avoidant: Very High Dependent: Very High Obsessive-Compulsive: High (3 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
Well, Trent and and I decided to get councelling and it seems to be helping. One bad thing is that I realized that I have more problems than I originally expected. That's always tough to deal with. But I do think that Trent has problems that haven't been addressed and it seems that the main problems lie within me. What I am trying to figure out now is, Does Trent have bigger problems than the Doc sees and the Doc just chalks them up as being male quirks or are they really just male quirks and the problems are all mine? I don't know but what I do know is that all the problems I have had with my mom were eventually going to catch up to me. And they are. So, maybe this will help. On another note...Trent keeps bugging me to go to the bar. I'm afraid to tell him why I don;t want to go to the bar. Because I don;t want that lifestyle. Because getting off drugs and alchohol were the single hardest things I ever did in my life and there's a small part of me that misses all the fun that came with it. It hasn't been that long since the last time I had fun nights like that. And it hasn't been that long since I sat at home alone on a Saturday night and thought about calling one of my old friends up to recreate the good old days. As he puts it: You don;t have to drink, we just go there and hang out at the bar" Problem is that I am terrified that I am going to like it. I know for a fact that if I stay away, I will never have a problem. However, I DON'T know if I start hanging out in a bar what will happen, it's like uncharted territories. What I do know is that all the people that hang out in bars right now that I know of, are the same people that I did drugs with back in the day. Now if I were to tell Trent this, he would say there's np drugs there quit being stupid, and what does drugs have to do with a bar....well, alchohol and drugs go hand in hand-atleast for me they do. And I want to drink. I love to be drunk...that's what scares the hell out of me. I am completely terrified and I don;t know what to do. I know I can't tell him and if I do he will say I'm an idiot. But I'm scared to like going to the bar, I'm afraid to make friends with the people that used to be there for me again. I'm afraid to make new friends that like the things that I used to. I'm terrified. Am I overexaggerating? no. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill-maybe. But if I go it may be too late. (Shoot Up)
Where is everyone??? (4 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
On Wednesday, Sept. 8th, 2004 Trent and I welcomed little Carson Tyler into our lives and home. He was 6 lbs 14 oz and 18 and 3/4" wish us luck (9 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
Adam just professed his undying love for me and I turned him down..I hate this shit...I love Adam to death but that's never gonna happen. Too small and too young....small-I mean height just for clearification. He sees Reid everyday so there's no excuse for him not calling....I guess I screwed up...~C~ (1 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
I am leaving Trent. Some people just aren't compatible and me and him slide right into the incompatible category... (2 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
Today is the day I go back to the Welfare office for redetermination. I hate these days, it seems a bit easier now because I got assigned a new case worker and she is a friend of mine from way back but it never is an easy task altogether. Admitting defeat. Also, got a call today from Kim who said I didn't show up for work on Sunday. WTF? No one told me I was supposed to work on Sunday. She said Cali told her she arranged it with me. WTF? Aaron called and said he wanted his damn phone back. That's fine. All well...peace ~C~ (Shoot Up)
Yay! I got to go to DC's last night! It was awesome! I saw TONS of people I knew from long ago and met tons more. There was almost a fight, a few puny city boys vs. our cowboys...Derrick, Dave, John, Rob, Turf, Randy, Billy, Cory...our guys TOWERED over them, it was great, until the cops broke it up and sent the city boys packing. Anyways, I met a few PBR bullriders and I saw Jason DeYoung and Daniel Caine, among other people. It was great, I learned the line dance to Sweet Home Alabama and a Little Dust on The Bottle. I danced alot with John (the EMT), Tim, Randy and Sara, Billy, Rob and little John. Turf was teaching me how to swing dance and Dave told me I was the prettiest girl there. Which obviously wasn't true but he had 4 pitchers of beer in him. lol...when I got home, Trent had the nerve to tell me I smelled like sex. That asshole. How insulting...could have been the fact that I didn't get a shower yesterday and that I had been sweating my ass off all night dancing. Who knows. Nonetheless, I had a blast and it was exactly what I needed. I will update more later. Peace ~C~ (Shoot Up)
So, I got all the rest of my stuff out of Aaron's THANK God! Anyhoo, I still have his Nextel but I don't have his house key anymore, I gave it back. ANyways, that rental house, I decided to take it by myself. I should be starting my new job the second week in November midnights as a behavioral health worker. I'm good at that stuff. Anyways, that way, I will be able to afford the rent by myself. With the children's ceramic/pottery class I am teaching on Saturday, I will have enough to keep the electric turned on. So. There. I will make it after all damnit. On my own like I wanted anyways. In the meantime, Trent has realized that he has made a mistake in leaving me. Yet again. He said to call him if I want to get back together. Now what? I just don't know. I refude to continue on like this...getting dumped all of the time. He is SO good to me when he can't have me. I fall in love with that part of him. Problem is, once he gets me, he isn't like that anymore. I hate playing the hard to get game. That's not what it's all about...However, I just don't know what to do. I guess that is all the news so far. Halloween tomorrow. Kenna is going to be a witch. YAY! I can't wait! I should be moving into the new house in a day or so. I can't wait. Well, I guess I am done babbling. Mackenna called me a "Fucker" today. Guess it's time to start watching my language. Well, I will write more later. Feeling kind of down at the moment-everything is in limbo. As always, really. Everything depends on something or someone else and nothing is for certain. I'm just feeling like I am hanging on for the ride now. Atleast I don't get motion sickness. Peace ~C~ (Shoot Up)
Well, me and Trent found a house in Kouts which needs some work but is only 500 a month AND I can keep all 5 dogs there. YAYAYAYAY. We put money down on it and we will fix it up in the meantime and move in on the 1st! I moved all my shit out of Aaron's yesterday, he told me he needed to talk to me alone so I borrowed a tape recorder from Chad and taped him. He told me all kinds of shit. That he was in the FBI and he was a Navy Seal and that he taught at Purdue for 9 years. (Yeah fucking right) ANyway, he also said he was going to kick Trent's ass because he wasn't good enough for me and he said he heard from a guy that Trent was crazy. Turns out that guy was Trent's best friend (yeah fucking right) Aaron talks more shit than anyone I know. I have some shit in his basement yet and everything else is at Tom;s. Thank god I get to bring my dogs with me. I have been boarding them at my work since the 7th at 30 dollars a day. Good Lord, they will break me yet. I love them too much to let them go and I will pay and do whatever it takes to keep them. They mean the world to me. I just had all of their vaccines and heartworm stuff done and they are good to go. ANyways, I guess that wraps this all up. I iwll be staying at Tom's starting Saturday night just until the 1st which is when I will move to the new house with Trent. I can't wait. Chris thinks it's a bad idea to move in with Trent because we haven't been together that long and he thinks that Trent isn't as good to me as he should be. Which I tend to agree with but I also know that he has been hurt before and that he can't just open up to me all at once. I will try to be understanding. I took my first test in school on Monday I'm not sure how I did...I am guessing B- or C+ I freeze on tests I end up reading each question 10 times and panic. Even when I really do know all the shit. So, I will keep ya updated on all of that. Well, All for now. Peace ~C~ (1 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
Well, I guess things are going okay...I wil have to wait to update until I am on a better computer. None the less...Trent and I found a duplex that his uncle owns to move into and we can have dogs there. So, we are moving there at the end of the month. On the other hand....I am still at Aarons. I can tell he is odd but can't place my finger on it. I have tons of things to say but due to someone getting into my e-mail and saying some shit, I know it was Aaron but I am not much of the confrontive type...anyhow...he may know tons about computers but I know a little myself. I simply downloaded Neo Trace Pro and found his IP address attached to the e-mail that was sent. Good thing he has cable so it doesn't change. Anyways, all these crazy things are going down and I am looking forward to getting the FUCK out of here as soon as possible. Other than all of the teenage politics and high school drama....things are going good and I am glad to be out of my mother's clinches although she tries shit everyday to get me to come home. No way. I am never going back and I have a few other places lined up that I could go so even when Aaron kicks me out, I am still covered. I am the girl with the plan and the plan for the plan, remember. LOL....Anyhow, after he looks in the cookies ion this comp and sees this entry I am sure I will be kicked out on my ass. Fuck it. I will check back in later. Peace ~C~ (Shoot Up)
Well, my mom and I got in one of those hellacious fights again...she took the truck away...I told her to get fucked and Tom's mom took me to work and she watched Kenna while I was gone...also, she kicked me out. I am staying with my buddy, Aaron. Chris pulled through like he always does and let me borrow his cute little s-10. It's a 5 speed and it's dropped 3 inches. It's really nice. Anyways, the only thing thst sucks about it is that I have to put Kenna in the passenger seat because he has a custom built console for his dvd player and playstation. Nonetheless...I am going to make it. The first step to making it is to get the fuck out of my mom's house. It took me and trent no more than a half of an hour and I got all my shit loaded up and away we went. Aaron let me borrow a nextel of his. Thank God. So, I have a truck, house, phone and even a computer to check my e-mail on. I guess that's it for now. It's the beginning of a brand new day. And Aaron got me flowers and a card that says, "The sun shines brightest after the rain" There's alot of truth to that. So, here I am, beginning another new chapter in my life. Looks like my mom is going to miss another one of Kenna's birthdays. Oh well. Tom said I could move in with him. Sometimes I think that would just be easier. I know where I stand, I know what the boundries are, so to speak. I appreciate the offer. Although he seems like he has changed quite a bit, I couldn't do it again. Well, I guess that's it for now. Thank God for my hella cool friends helping me out. All I have to do now is get Cathy to watch Kenna and see if I can take my dog's to work. Hopefully, shit will pull together. All for now. Peace...~C~ (Shoot Up)
Well, shortly after I wrote my last entry, I called OE to check on my application status and I got the job!! YAYAYAY! It's midnights and it's full time so I can actually keep my job at the animal hospital, AND go to school!! YAYAYAY. Plus, the greatest thing of all, I will be able to take care of things. Also, when I wrote my last entry, I forgot to add a few things that I would like to teach Kenna...humillity, and to be an independent thinker. To be a leader and to apply herself fully in everything she does. And on top of all of that, I would like to teach her to cook....I will need some lessons first :P. All for now...gotta go to class. Love, peace, ~C~ (2 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
Well, school rocks, I tell people that it's boring but that's just the 15 year old in me. :) I love it. We are only on chapter 2-well, we have to have read chapter 2 for tonight's class, I did chapter 1,2,3 and all of the workbook material, plus all the bonus work on the CD that came with my book, I am working on chapter 4, now. So much for boring right...:) I love school. I was thinking last night....if I only knew then what I know now...meaning if I knew about life in school, I would have had a hell of a good time. Mind you, I dropped out of my freshman year, on Dec. 9th and the midterm ended on the 22nd so I got no credit for my freshman year, the I moved in April and started school for the rest of the year and liked it so much that I stayed in until my sophmore year was over ( I failed anyway) and then I dropped out again. Then I homeschooled after takin 8 months off. And I graduated a year early (2000) with a 4.2 GPA. On a scale that goes to 4.0....sooo, I CAN do it, I just have to want to. If I knew then that education was so important and if I wasn't so concerned with who said what and my clothes and hair....let me just explain that I had piercings, tattoos, HUGE pants, always wore black, spiked leather collars, green hair, shaved or cut real short and spiked up. Yikes. If I had it to do all over again, that shit wouldn't even matter, I would probably show up everyday in my pajamas but the operative word there would be that I would show up everyday. We used to get high before school and get drunk in the bathroom before class. I will tell you that I have never had so much fun in my whole life as I did when I was 15. Because I was out of control and I didn;t care about anything. We ran from the cops and never got caught, we snuck out, skipped school, went mudding on our quads, went TPing, ditched classes, the whole nine yards. There isn't a drug I haven't done or an alcohol I haven't tasted. For all those years I spent fucked up, I wouldn't trade it for the world. In retrospect, I learned more from those days than anything. I have no desire to be like that ever again, but atleast I got to experience it without getting in big trouble or dying for that matter. I think those days made me the mother I am today. Now I know what signs to look for if Kenna (God forbid) ever starts to get curious and I know how to help her because I was there. I am so glad I have changed. I am so glad to have my little girl to keep me in line. She will be two on Thursday and I bought her all kinds of things. A life size Barbie doll thing, A life size Barbie head that you do her hair, etc, a my little pony set-an entire family, a drum filled with a million other instruments, maroccas, a flute, a recorder, those little clicker things you use with your fingers, all kinds of things. I think that just about above anything, the most important thing for Kenna will be for her to find something that she really enjoys and encouraging her to try. Staying involved keeps you out of trouble. Whether she chooses music or dance or photography, or art, or t-ball or sprint car racing...I will be behind her all the way. But, I will not push her too hard. That alone is the key. I know that this sounds so naive but I ave been there and if someone would have done this with me I never would have done the things I did. There is a fine line between supporting and forcing. I'll have to find that happy medium after I help her explore her possible interests, I need to be supportive and encouraging and inspirational and most importantly, I need to set a good example. I need to start as I mean to finish and never give up. I need to finish even if I am in last place and always try my hardest. I need to teach her that being honest always pays off and that there is nothing in the world that she can't come to me with. I will teach her what really is important in life and what is not so important and I will be the best mother I can be. I will teach her to love, be generous and share. I will teach her to trust even without reason but to not be overly trusting. I will teach her to follow her instincts and her intuition. I will teach her to give without reason and to volunteer. That alone may have been the most important thing I have ever done. Volunteered. I brought my dogs into the nursing homes, I did dog rescue, I volunteered at the shelter. It was so good for me. My mom never supported that. Because I didn;t get paid so it was all a waste of time in her eyes, but I loved it. I want to volunteer again. I will, as soon as I have my life squared away, and maybe before. I can't believe my little girl is growing up so fast...it seems like just yesterday that I was painting her nursery waiting for her big arrival. I am sad about her getting so big, so fast. She needs to learn to give to others, even when it seems like she has nothing at all. When I had no money, I gave my time to others. When I had no time, I donated money, or food or clothes. I remember driving from LaPorte to Kouts one day and a man was standing on a corner in the freezing cold with a sign that said will work for food. This sort of thing is not common here. I pulled over to talk to him. He told me about his family, he was a single father of two girl and he had gotten layed off from the mill. He didn;t get enough money on unemployment to cover the bills and his girls were starting to struggle in school. His wife and him seperated years back but were on good terms. He told me his whole story, I believed him. I had 3 dollars to my name and I had one pack of smokes left which that money was going to be for that. But I gave him my three dollars, my last pack of smokes and two gift certificates worth 80 dollars to Kohls. It was all I had and I hadn't had new clothes in over 2 years. I needed them but he needed them for his girls, more. My little one was taken care of. WHen I got to Kouts, I ran into a friend who owed me 50 bucks, so I collected and went back to find that guy. It was about two hours later and he was still standing there. No one had stopped. I told him to get in, he did, I took him to his house which was run down and nasty, I picked up his two girls who were being watched by an old lady next door, and I took them to the grocery store. We picked out 49 dollars and some cents worth of food, snacks and meals. And then I took them back to their house and dropped them off. The girls were crying and the dad had a tear too. I appologized for not having more to give but they were greatful anyway. About a year later, this man showed up at my house, looking nice and clean, and he handed me a hundred dollar bill. I didn't accept it but I found it in an envelope in my mailbox the next day. I never did ask him his name. But that one gesture alone was enough to inspire me for a lifetime. What a great feeling, that he remembered me, etc. Well, all for now. I have school tonight and want to read up a bit, Peace ~C~ (Shoot Up)
I just talked to Chris like I do every morning and he is on his way home!! The electricians union called him and told him that he starts work here on Tuesday! So he packed up and is coming home!! YAYAYAYAYAY! I can't wait to see him again! :) Anyhoo, I guess that's all for now, Reid called today too and he was just checking in no me. All was well. :) Ok, Chris is on the phone again...peace out ~C~ (2 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
I feel like it's all a dream...my first class starts at 6 and I get off work at six...looks like I will be sneaking out early! I can't wait to get started!!! I feel like something will go wrong that will prevent me from going right at the last minute...that's how things normally pan out. I put fake nails on yesterday...they suck..Tomboys don't need nails. I can't type for shit, eithr, it takes forever!! And, I always hit two buttons at once. Anyso, I am excited about school and can't wait to start. I have the jitters already and my first class isn't until the 1st of October. I am excited! :) peace out! ~C~ (Shoot Up)
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!! Trent came over tonight after his fire meeting and he said "Did you get your book?" I was like"Huh?" He said, "I dropped off your book at your work!" I said that I had called off because I had to clean the trailer and horse stalls. Anyways, he said, "Your EMT book is at your work" I was so shocked that I couldn't even react!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to school, I'm going to schooooll!!!!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY, YAY! He's the best! :) Just in the nick of time, too. On the negative side, the people we are subleasing the trailer from called here over and over and yelled at me and my dad for not making the payment I explained that I was doing the best I could but that I just didn;t hav ethe money. I don;t even make the 220 a month that is the trailer payment. Want me to shit it out?>?>Fockers. So they said to have it paid in full or that I was going to go to jail. For being broke? WTF? I hate people and I hate money. Fock them. Anyways, nonetheless, I am going to school. YAYAYAYAY, :) Okay, G'night...peace out, ~C~ (1 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up)
No money for school. I am fucked. Man I hate money. I swear that if I ever become rich, I will find perfect strangers on the street and give them money. Big money. On the other hand, I don't ever, EVER want to be rich. I want to be comfortable. That's all. I think that's all anyone ever wants. Anyways, for now, my Kenna is ok and I am ok, too. That's what's important, you are right, Brooksie. Buuut, it doesn't stop me from pining over school. As for your comment about my parents paying for school, they already said no. I have begged for 3 years now. Because when I chose to have Kenna, I chose to be an adult and take care of myself. Sooo, I hate to admit it but they are right. I can't have people supporting me for my entire life, I need to make some changes and make things happen for me. I only work three days a week at the Animal Clinic but that's not nearly enough. I would give anything to stay with Kenna all day but that's not even realistic at this point. Anyways, I am working on things. Thanks for your comments, Brooksie, they mean the world to me. :) Peace ~C~ (Shoot Up)
Too much on my plate. This morning, the lady called from the dispatcher's office and I am scheduled to take the test on Tuesday to become a 911 dispatcher. That should be a neat job. But I am still waiting for my callback from Opportunity Enterprises and EMT school has to be paid by the 24th and I have no money still. Trent said he would pay for it but he hasn't so far and I have a feeling he isn't going to. I want to cry. I want to go to school so badly. I would make a good EMT. I got CPR certified and I loved it. Matt taught me how to use a defibulator (you know..."CLEAR-BZZZZ!") How cool is that. I also applied for the mounted posse and I will apply to be a reserve as soon as I turn 21. Maybe I am just meant to be a cop? I love forensics. Forensic Science would be a great major. Who the hell knows why I am here. All I know is that I am officially 2 months and 2 days behind on my trailer payment and they want to have it bank reposessed. My electric is about to be shut off again and I moved back in with my Mom and Dad because I just can't afford to take care of everything. The trailer is trashed because I left the dogs there. I don't even know what to do. It's crazy. Just too much shit going on. It's not that I bit off more than I can chew, it's more that nothing is in my hands. I can't go to school because I can't afford the 500 bucks, I can't keep my home because I don't have the 220 a month, I can't pay the electric because I can't afford the measly 62.50 a month. I can't do shit. I can't get a better job until the 911 people call me or the OE people call me. Everything is out of my hands and I feel helpless. I just don't know. Fucking money, I hate it. Why does everything come down to money? Because I let it? I can't NOT let it-I HAVE NONE. This sucks. I can't believe I let myself get so excited about EMT school. I knew I wouldn't have the money. I never get my hopes up about anything anymore, I just assume the worst and hope for the best. But this time I got worked up over it. Stupid me. There's no way I will have 500 in 2 days. This sucks. I want to go more than anything. Maybe next year...I've been saying that for 3 years now. "Maybe next year" Damnit, I guess I should have just thought ahead and started saving a long time ago. My parents paid for my brother and sister to go to private school-6 years each. But, my mom said that when I chose to have Mackenna, I chose to become an adult and take care of myself. I was 17. Thanks mom. I would do it the same all over again in a heartbeat if I could. She is the only thing that makes my life worth living. Trent a little bit too, but, no one compares to your baby. Of course. Anyways, enough bitching, I'm out...Peace Out ~C~ (1 Just Another Overdose | Shoot Up) |
|
|
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
complacent
contemplative
rejected
aggravated
anxious
amused
accomplished
indescribable
giddy
blah