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Blurty for Steve.
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| Thursday, March 31st, 2005 |
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Yesterday would have been better for this. It seemed I had so much to say, so much to let out. Alas I can't seem to articulate myself properly. The thoughts have buried themselves again, and I'm left with that distinctly empty feeling. I think that sums up 2005 to date: hiding myself and my feelings away, not actually doing anything. Getting by. Coping. Surviving. Alone. I can't recall having really talked to anyone in months. I don't think idle chit-chat counts. I'm in the middle of a week away from work, my last until Summer. The weather is murky, and the atmosphere heavy. Back to hiding. Ghost in the Shell SAC Volume 5 awaits, followed by some sleeping. Then what? Oh. I forgot to say hello. Hello. |
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| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004 |
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Doves soon. New song sublime. Too tired to complete sentences. Question: shall I get drunk tomorrow at Christmas meal? Hrmm. |
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| Sunday, December 12th, 2004 |
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Steve is looking forward to Friday with abundant glee, for he is off to see Doves play their final pre-Christmas show. Hurrah! The only obstacle in his path is the Christmas Meal with work colleagues, which takes place the evening before. It was decided that husbands/wives/boyfriends/girlfriends should also attend. Guess who is the only one without someone to take? Will he survive? Will he get absurdly drunk and insult everyone? Will he skulk off with his confidence in tatters? |
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| Friday, December 3rd, 2004 |
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| No I'm not going out this weekend. No I won't be having fun with friends. No I won't be laughing, drinking, smiling, eating or even dancing with people I hold dear to me. None of that will happen. I know it, you know it; everybody knows it. | ||||||
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| Saturday, November 20th, 2004 |
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I have been browsing the entries of a fellow I clearly remember leaving many comments on his entries, and sure enough there they were. Oh boy. It was a younger me in the depths of depression, and while I'm glad I'm not in that state any longer, I miss the clarity of my feelings. Everything is a blur right now. It's strange that I should miss feeling like that; stranger now I'm free of it. |
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| Wednesday, November 10th, 2004 |
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I have been very tired lately and need some real sleep. The past few weeks have sped by. It's largely a blur, however I can clearly remember the distinct lack of anything fun happening. Hmm. On a much less grumpy note I'm off to see Doves in Blackpool on 17 December for one of their three Christmas shows. It's a bit of a journey, but I'm willing to pay the excessive train fare and hotel rates to see them play. |
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| Saturday, October 23rd, 2004 |
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Here we go again I stood in the cold. A lonely figure, in line to see Hope of the States at Newcastle Uni. People stood before me in their respective groups, laughing, joking and smiling. Those behind were as cheerful. Me somewhere in between: I was alone and beginning to regret my decision. A drink before the war At 7.30pm I trudged in, head down, and went straight to the front. I looked around and spotted the bar. Aha, a drink to stifle my woe! It didn't really help, but gave me something to focus on while I was waiting for surprise openers The Upper Room. Not bad for a 90s Britpop Smiths type band (not quite as blatant as Gene). Five songs and thirty minutes later The Open swaggered on stage. I was looking forward to these guys but they were slightly disappointing. The indifferent crowd didn't help and the sound wasn't quite right. Still, they provided entertainment, and Forgotten was splendid. Hope (no self pity, we sing) From the very first notes of The Black Amnesias I was blown away. Every bad feeling faded away. No regrets; loneliness now secondary to the music. From start to finish it was intense and uplifting. The Make A Stand/There's More To Life Than This attitude of their songs infiltrates every pore when you see them live. It was more than a mere translation of some recorded sounds. It made so much sense. The band were collectively incredible (passion filled every chord) and they have possibly the loveliest of all frontmen in Sam Herlihy. Such a nice chap, he was dedicating songs like there was no tomorrow. The evening's highlight was without doubt the barrage of the three closing tracks. They saved the best until last, and by the end of Enemies/Friends I was in a land of bliss. Sam got so excited he jumped up onto the barrier to say hello to everyone. He lost his mic, but got it back pretty quickly. In the end In the end it was worth all the pre-gig loneliness. The last time I went to concert on my own was two years ago. Doves were magnificent, but I was left feeling empty by the time I left the building. I sobbed as I walked across town to the station and vowed never to do such a thing again. I'm glad I broke that vow, but I wish, with all my heart, that I could feel what those other people felt. Happiness with like-minded souls would change everything. Setlist 1. The Black Amnesias 2. George Washington 3. Black Stars/Red Stars 4. Black Dollar Bills 5. Goodhorsehymn 6. Bonfires 7. Me Ves Y Sufres 8. Nehemiah 9. The Red, The White, The Black, The Blue 10. Enemies/Friends Encore: 11. The Last Picture Show 12. Static In The Cities |
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| Monday, September 20th, 2004 |
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I don't have the words right now, but I do have another headache, loneliness and too much to think about. Hurrah. Star Wars DVDs arrived today, so I can expect a full marathon over the coming days. As if my status as nerd ever had to be confirmed. Hoping I can write again soon. |
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| Thursday, September 9th, 2004 |
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I find myself in the middle of a strange week of ups and downs. Both the ups and the downs are the result of things unexpected. I feel detached from people close to me - as if I am a routine worth only minimal effort - and more open with those more distant. They seem more willing to listen, talk and question. Ah this is cryptic, I know but I'm not sure how else to word it. |
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| Sunday, September 5th, 2004 |
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This afternoon's playlist of aural delight, plucked from the ether.1. Boards of Canada - Dandelion 2. The Concretes - Say Something New 3. Ambulance Ltd - Swim 4. The Concretes - You Can't Hurry Love 5. The Open - Forgotten 6. RJD2 - Exotic Talk 7. The Long Winters - The Sound Of Coming Down 8. Photek - Junk 9. Esthero - Flipher Overture 10. Guided By Voices - Bomb In The Bee-Hive 11. Devendra Banhart - This Beard Is For Siobhan 12. RJD2 - Someone's Second Kiss 13. The Beta Band - Broke 14. Vetiver - Amerilie 15. The Futureheads - Decent Days And Nights 16. Bloc Party - tulips 17. Boards Of Canada - Roygbiv 18. XTC - Rocket From A BottleIncidentally, I now have a bed courtesy of Sweden and I am subsequently a DIY master. I am the Bruce Lee of furniture assembly. |
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| Saturday, September 4th, 2004 |
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| I'm tired. I have not slept well all week. To make matters worse I am relegated to another week of living in the spare room due to the incompetence of the people delivering the wrong bed. Another night of hitting the wall when I turn and the incessant tick-tocking of the heating control (my folks should seriously fix that). | ||||||
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| Monday, August 30th, 2004 |
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| In retrospect last night's entry of misery was too whiney and didn't come out right. What I really meant to say it that the last time I truly felt that way was a pretty dark time for me, and I'm afraid of going back there. Life is different now, and I am different now, but feeling this way has rattled me. | ||||
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| Sunday, August 29th, 2004 |
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I want to know why the headline 'Blast rocks Kabul foreign quarter' is placed opposite 'Victoria Beckham is pregnant with her third child' on a popular news website. So she's fertile. Big fucking deal. Ready for the surprise? Get this... children are conceived... EVERY SINGLE DAY! Gah. |
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I was hurting, and now I'm at the bottom. I have not cried for myself in a long time, but this week I have done so on several occasions. This is not something I like to openly admit to - it is one pathetic laddish trait then will not budge. Gah, I don't even know what to say here. I don't know how to describe the things I'm feeling. I don't fucking know any more. There's no one to talk it through with, and I can't even bring myself to do it here. I'm empty and I'm struggling. What a difference a couple of weeks makes. |
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| Friday, August 27th, 2004 |
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I'm hurting a lot this week and feeling pretty low, I must admit. On the plus side I've found so much good music, these guys in particular:
Both are stunning. There are also some cracking songs from some upcoming albums:
And of course the new, and final Guided by Voices album. Robert Pollard could probably knock out a few more albums by the end of the year if he tried though. Go find them. Now I tells ya. |
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| Monday, August 23rd, 2004 |
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Freaks and Geeks is a painful yet entertaining reminder of my school life, being something like 3/4 geek and 1/4 freak back then. All the pain of school condensed in to 18 episodes of a 42 minute long TV show. The only differences in my life being less friends, less girls and therefore less kissing; trends which would continue for years. Yes, I know... I'm clearly more geeky now. |
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| Saturday, August 21st, 2004 |
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The vacation worked, in certain respects. There were no epiphanies. There were no startling revelations. There were insights, however. I'm a little more relaxed and I'm not worrying as much I have been, although there are some things I will always worry about. I'm easing back at work. My level of responsibility on paper is much lower than the level I've been maintaining, and now we have the people in place I'm letting them get on with it. Music sounds better - don't laugh, this is true - and I'm enjoying it more. It's not only a release for my emotions, it's also pure enjoyment. The way it was. The way it should be. Life still, in no uncertain terms, confuses the hell out of me. I am still prone to the sudden bought of misery and/or depression. I've only been home for a week. The moral of the vacation is this: do it. Go on, do it. Don't think about it then relegate it to the depths of your mind as a dream. Do something, now. If you can do it, then for Pete's sake do it. No more hanging around. |
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| Sunday, August 15th, 2004 |
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Arrived home from vacation at 9am on Friday after a long yet pleasant flight. I think I got a lot out of the holiday. Fun was had, I relaxed splendidly, and the most important thing was to get some things right in my mind. It has almost worked, but I need a little longer to sort out my thoughts. I know I've said it countless times but I'm going to say it again. I missed you so much. |
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| Saturday, July 24th, 2004 |
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Today was rather empty. The vacation is long overdue. Four days to go before two weeks of relaxing, reflecting, and clearing my head of rubbish. I seem to be hunched over my desk. This can only be a good thing should I wish to become a mad-scientist's sidekick. My eyes hurt. |
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| Wednesday, July 21st, 2004 |
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| Happy birthday Lexy. All the cake for you :) | ||||||
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Blurty for Steve.
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