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Blurty for Steve.
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| Wednesday, November 16th, 2005 |
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Its time has come, and it is long overdue. Once it was a journal proper. Now it is a dumping ground for the things I can't get out of my system from day to day. It isn't a true representation of me or my life, and it is very misleading. It is negative for me, and for those who read it. When I started this I was going through a difficult time and it helped me immensely. It also introduced me to someone who had such an impact on my life, and for that I'm grateful (to the journal and to her). Of course I still have e-mail and means of contact should anyone want to say hello. Thanks for all the comments, particularly those from the early days. You can't imagine how much they helped me :) |
| Tuesday, November 15th, 2005 |
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I actually had a good weekend. It's such a rare occurrence that I thought it was worthy of mention. Ghost in The Shell 2: Innocence at the local indie cinema was outstanding, and the food, drinks and shenanigans afterwards were great fun. The good stuff brought the bittersweet realisation that my life is not quite what it should be (as it always does). I'm envious of relationships, I can't work out how people seem to so effortlessly 'get on' in life, and I'm left wondering how I can be like this because - because I always feel like this and nothing changes. Such a mess. |
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| Tuesday, November 1st, 2005 |
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Isn't it odd how things change so quickly, and yet a dream can make even distant memories seem as recent as yesterday? I'm not sure where things went wrong - where I went wrong - with her/with friends/with life. It is almost winter again, I am alone again, and I don't know how it all happened (or didn't happen). It's all a mystery to me. |
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| Monday, October 10th, 2005 |
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This song seems to sum up the theme of my day in 2 lines (taken slightly out of context): It's so easy to hate, It takes guts to be gentle and kind I wish I could stop people getting to me and upsetting me as they do, simply because I try to be gentle and kind. Why do people have to be so fucking awful? Sometimes I wonder why it is I bother with anything really, anything at all. I don't feel so gutsy now. |
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| Wednesday, September 14th, 2005 |
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After a couple of days without a keyboard I am now fully functional again. I can use keys and everything. Wowsers. I am slightly behind with e-mails and stuff, but hopefully will catch up soon (not that I ever get that many). I've been home sick for two days with the sorest throat in the world, aches, pains, and general lethargy. I can't say I mind though, given that I'd be at work otherwise. Now seems like a fine time to be poorly. |
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| Sunday, September 11th, 2005 |
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A friend I work with left our office on Friday to return to uni for a final year of study. He will be missed. His positive, optimistic and frank outlook on life, coupled with confidence of individualism was inspirational. For someone 6 years younger to be doing what he's doing with his life is simply amazing to me. I'm not even jealous, just in awe and grateful that he's been around. A good friend, and hopefully for a long time to come. I'm still not sleeping well. I've had more nightmares this past month than I've had in many years. You know, the kind where you tell yourself to wake up in the middle of some horrific or disturbing act? The kind where you have to hope that you're dreaming? I've been thinking of a lost friend lately. Lost? In that we lost touch? Or did I lose her? Or did she lose me? I'm not sure (forgive the random questioning nature of this entry, I have so many questions unanswered right now). What I'm sure of is that I have to get in contact with her, but I'm not sure how. How does anyone approach a situation like that? Today I made the effort to get out of the house and wander around Newcastle for a few hours in order to find some Superior Electronic Music. I noticed that things have changed drastically since I got back from the States. I was confident and almost swaggering when I arrived in the UK. I was happy with who I am. Today I noticed the familiar detachment and discomfort. I was unable to look people in the eye, and barely able to keep my line of sight above the pavement. How can I have gone from one extreme to the other in only 2-3 weeks? |
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| Wednesday, August 31st, 2005 |
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I am so very tired. I haven't been sleeping too well this week because of stressful days of work coupled with my inability to stop thinking/daydreaming. This has lead to late nights, sleeping in, and me running like a tit for my bus each morning, sans breakfast. This evening I saw the wildlife equivalent of CSI, which followed the mysterious death of a Caribou in Alaska. I found it to be very odd, particularly the over the top wizzy computer graphics. Gill Grissom was unavailable for comment. Please enjoy this song. |
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| Thursday, August 25th, 2005 |
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I was going to write an entry last night about how much work had, rather unequivocally, sucked. Instead I fell asleep at 9pm. This is not common. Fortunately I was not let down today: work sucked... Today I had the pleasure of being part of a team making a presentation to the Chief Exec and my Group Director. Given it was my second day back I was a little unhappy with my colleagues for dropping this 100-megaton shit on me. The truth was that they were only joking about me having to be part of the presentation, saying initially that I was doing it alone. I knew it was a joke (my sides practically split, naturally), but what I didn't realise that I wasn't supposed to have any part in it at all and the joke went too far. Anyhoo, my colleagues being gutless still insisted that I was doing it, and rather than whine about it I went ahead and made my part of the presentation anyway - with no preparation - to total success. In your fucking faces. While I couldn't give a shit about corporate arse kissing and hierarchical nonsense I won't put up with people that I'm supposed to be working closely with (one of which I would call a friend) trying to fuck about with me. A joke's a joke, but when you haven't got the guts to admit to it and let the fall guy fall (luckily I didn't) that's appalling. ARGH. What pisses me off is that I only really dislike work because I'm not having any fun, I'm far too lonely, and I'm generally not doing what I want to be doing in life. If I was happy/content work would just be work and I'd sail through each day. I don't need this shit on top of the unhappiness. It really doesn't help. Off to finish my 2nd cup of coffee contained within my Rupert Jee's Hello Deli mug, a fine souvenir from NYC. That guy rules! |
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| Wednesday, August 24th, 2005 |
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| Not even Crunchy Nut Cornflakes can raise my spirits on such a dull, rainy morning. Just over an hour until work. Noooooooo! | ||||
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| Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005 |
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I wrote these words when I got back home yesterday: "It's time to stop being a self-analytical, insecure and useless git and instead just get on with it. From now on no more pointless ramblings." There were no shocking epiphanies and there was no great enlightenment from my holiday, just a bit of a tan and a sore neck from looking up at buildings in New York (spot the tourist folks!) However the trip did clear my head somewhat, and the words I wrote seem to capture the simplicity. No more conjecture; no more moping over life's complexities; no more needless worry (and no more pointless journal entries where I do all of those things and get nowhere). The holiday was, in fact, great. New York is an awesome city, like nothing I have ever seen. I'll definitely visit again, hopefully timing my next visit to coincide with gigs (I missed Sufjan Stevens at the Bowery Ballroom - all 5 nights were sold out! [blast!]). Florida was hot and lazy, and therefore exactly what I expected. I'll save you the torture of the usual full post-holiday tourist recap. I managed to pick up the following gems during my stay:
I also read the finest book I've read in a years, Angry White Pyjamas by Robert Twigger, the tale of an Oxford poet who trains with the Japanese Riot Police on their year long Aikido course. Time for bed. The torture of work/hell begins again in the morning. I pray for a quiet first day back, or at least a large bat with which I can silence those in my path. Either will do, really. |
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| Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005 |
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In little over five days I shall be venturing to New York and Orlando for two weeks of exploration and relaxation, hopefully in equal measure. I'm spending three nights in New York, followed by 8 nights in Orlando before rounding the trip off with another 2 nights in New York. To say I'm excited would be the most glaringly obvious statement. Oh yeah! Despite it being an expensive trip I feel it's justified after my crap year so far. Two weeks away from home, work, troubles, These things will be dealt with upon my return;
I know it can't all happen at once (particularly the third bit), and I don't want to get ahead of myself, but it's about time I took it seriously. |
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| Saturday, July 16th, 2005 |
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Yes! It has been approximately 1.5 months since my last entry. It is all a bit of a blur to be honest, so I won't recap all of the boring stuff in any depth. In fact I can't even begin to write a single thing without my head expanding to the size of a microwave and threatening to explode. I will say this though: don't leave your mobile phone on public transport by accident, because some immoral bastard will take it without thinking twice. Nice one Steve. Shit. |
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| Monday, May 30th, 2005 |
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Oh yes, it's bank holiday weekend (only we, the British could give national holidays such a name), so here I am lazing splendidly at home. I will be cleaning, dusting, and vacuuming my way through the day. Okay, that isn't exactly thrilling, but after a weekend where stuff actually happened and fun was had, I can't complain. As mentioned in my previous inebriated state, I met up with a couple of old friends on Saturday night for a few beers in a local pub, which was thankfully more subdued than the standard Mos Eisley cantinas in the vicinity. We talked about the same old rubbish, covered familiar ground, filled in the gaps of the past year and made tentative plans for the Summer. * * * I've missed the feeling of being comfortable with friends. It occurs to me that I've completely isolated myself, and shut out many people I care about. I also realise that my entries here have taken an almost alien form. When I read them I wonder who the hell wrote them in the first place. They don't sound like me. Not the person I was and want to be. I've been here before, on the brink of change, epiphany, or something. Don't let me ignore this. |
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| Sunday, May 29th, 2005 |
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I drank a few beers (and then a few more) with old friends. It has been a day filled with old acquaintances, and old memories. There was also some hope. I actually feel like I am part of something; part of someone's life. It's the first time I have felt this in a long while (surpassing the strange detachment I've been feeling). Looks like I could have an enjoyable Summer after all. I certainly hope so. [edit: only one spelling mistake amended despite drunkness, yay!] |
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| Wednesday, May 25th, 2005 |
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The passion; it's all about the passion of Liverpool FC. Come on the Reds! |
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| Wednesday, May 18th, 2005 |
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I'm working from home today in an attempt to complete a rather tedious task without the distractions of office life (that'll be the majority of utter shits that I work with, then). I have cornflakes, coffee and music. I'm a reasonably happy man. Can I resist the temptation of instant messaging? Only time will tell. |
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| Sunday, May 15th, 2005 |
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In the space of a week my mum has slipped from bad to worse. Then from to markedly better to worse again. The roller coaster continues folks. Let's hope I can keep hold of the ride. Today involved a trip to town with a friend whose company I am not enjoying. However, said friend does seem to be concerned given my current circumstances and I couldn't pass up the offer to get away from home and experience the outside world. Of course I ended up in a fucking huge shopping mall entirely closed off from the world. Shit. Despite the terror of being surrounded by people/families (leash your kids folks, seriously) I managed to pick up the new Spoon album, latest single from fellow North-Easterners Maximo Park and the recent Bright Eyes double release bonanza. Maximo Park are as quintessentially English as The Smiths, although they do not sound like them. Well, okay, a little bit like them. Hearing someone sing in your own, very unique accent is quite disarming to begin with, but when done with such passion means more than the average trans-atlantic drawl many bands from this country produce. Anyhoo, they rock and make me want to hit things. In a good way. The Spoon album seems a little more focused than previous efforts. Bright Eyes I will save for now; it may trigger an emotional overdose, having only just rediscovered the joys of Lifted.... It seems I can't speak to the people I usually open up to at present, and for that I apologise. I miss you. A quick hello to the people who have maintained my sanity this week: hello! |
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| Tuesday, May 3rd, 2005 |
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Given the awful nature of the past two weeks of my life, this is the perfect tonic. I can't explain why I love football so; I simply do. |
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| Sunday, April 3rd, 2005 |
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So today was not a good day. My skull felt like it was trying to escape through the top of my head and my stomach was rather volatile. A brief walk in the afternoon didn't help as much as I had hoped (but did reinforce my belief that people, generally speaking, suck). Unpleasantness all round. Luckily I'm feeling better this evening. I even slapped together four bars of a tune. Not much, but a start. |
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| Friday, April 1st, 2005 |
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Over the past two days my mobile telephone has received more text messages than in the entire month of March to date. A slightly worrying statistic, particularly as the majority of those were from two of my work colleagues. Even more worrying is the fact that work is still my biggest link to the Outside World, even though I'm not there. I have missed this song more than you can imagine. |
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Blurty for Steve.
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