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[17 Jul 2008|12:54am] I'm an awful person. post comment

[05 Jul 2008|01:51am] Feeling as though I'm about to go crazy, I lose myself into a happy state, feeling the blood run. Then I ask myself, when will I die? This question bothers me so, why is everything so fucking hard? You provoke this dark side of me. The tears run as long as the blood does. Once dried it begins to turn brown upon my skin, and my eyes burn like acid. My veins run cold, and my eyes empty. Lifeless to those who find me. I can see you standing there, I'm not dead yet. I know everything that's going on, I'm in my final state now. Once my eyes close it's over. Scream for me! Say that you want me! Say that you love me! SAVE ME!!! Everything is begging to fade, take my hand now. I'm screaming in my head for you to not let go, for I will die without you. I'm so broken, you're my strength. Pick me up again, and I promise not to fail again. To close this time, to deep. To loud is my heart beat in my ears from fear. I'm truly sorry for all the stupid shit I've done. It's getting cold now, your hand is so warm touching mine. Please, dont cry. I really did try. I'm sorry, I love you! post comment

[02 Jul 2008|11:51pm] [ mood | depressed ] There's nothing wrong with my life but yet I seem to be upset. I don't know if it's because I think of the past or not, but it's good for me now. WHy do I still feel this saddness that is still so strong inside of me. My past comes to haunt me all the time. It'll just hit me one day, or I'll just be reminded of it somehow. It's like sometimes I feel as though i have to bleed in order to know that I'm alive, to know that it's real. Just to know that everything that's around me is reality, and not only a dream. A pinch will not due. post comment

[24 Jun 2008|10:53pm] [ mood | weird ] So I'm out for the summer.. I'm not exactly sure what I will do for the summer, besides work, and come home or hang out with Justin. I want to do something exciting but I can never seem to get off of work. I'm tired of the same shit every fucking day! I almost broke up with Justin last Saturday... I came so close. All I was doing was crying and screaming at him and he didn't say anything. It was like he didn't even care that I was going to remove myself from his life after almost 3 years of seeing eachother everyday. I don't understand how he is! He never says anything... I asked him if he even cared, and he said yeah, but I had already made up my mind in what I wanted to do so he wasn't going to try. Maybe I should have left him.. But I'm so happy with him at the same time... I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm scared to be alone? I never have been before. Use to I could put up with being alone, and make the best of it. But then again I always had friends, and now I don't have any friends. I would have no one if he wasn't there. I wonder if he knows that he has so much power over me... I hope not because I'm afraid he might take advantage in the future. UGH!!! anyway, I had the most messed up dream last night. There were zombies everywhere... It creeps me out to just think about it. Me, my brother and someone else were in an abandoned house hiding away from the man eating zombies, and we were safe for a long time there, but then a new family came into the house and then the zombies found us, and then we ran somewhere and the government was there and protected us... Crazy right? That's not the only zombie dream I've had either. I have fucked up dreams all the time like I'm on an acid trip. Well other than all that bullshit nothing has been goin on with me... just bored out of my mind post comment

[05 Jun 2008|11:34pm] [ mood | Pathetic ] [ music | Papa Roach Last Resort ] Oh how could I be so stupid!???!!! I don't understand how someone can make so many mistakes over and over. I feel sick, feeling as though I am going to vomit! Losing grip with reality. Slitting my wrists, the red flow. My eyes water and close as I feel the burning sinsation down my arms. Too deep for the first time. Only there is no fear... Only I snear at the thought. Escaping. Heh, if only it were really that easy for me to do so. I have a hard time letting go though. I guess I'm weak.... How pathetic I am. post comment

[19 May 2008|11:03pm] [ mood | horny ] [ music | 10 Years - Cast It Out ] And so life goes on... I just got done reading a good book called "The Host" and it's pretty good. I do suggest it to read... It's the same woman who wrote the Twilight series if anyone had read them. That series is good too. I got through all three in no time! I just get started in a book and cannot seem to set it down! If only life were really like that at times... to where you just can't stop no matter what happens... I guess I get a high in books that I read that go on with life, and fantasy. I guess I get so wrapped up in them that I forget about reality sometimes. I wish so much life was like a normal fantasy story with "true love" and all. But.. once I do end up having to set the book down I dream about it, and wish so hard that I lived inside the book... maybe someone should smack me upside the head with one soon before I become a loser who just reads books all the time forgetting the world around me... wait.. too late. Ugh... Anyway, things are going well with me right now I guess you could say. I'm very happy that things are begginng to flow smoothly again. THere for a little bit I was thinking that I was losing my mind... That things were going by so fast that I didn't have a chance in catching my breath.... So the other night Justin and I were arguing, and I hadn't said anything to him all day and then when I went to take him home we sat in silence, but then I just couldn't help but kiss him. I practically lunged at him.. I believe that I caught him off gaurd, but he still flowed with it... Then he began to touch my face and wrapping his hands around me. I could feel the heat from my body rise, and my breath short... I thought I was going to go into shock, we'd never been like that before. I loved it.. and as you can guess one thing led to another.. I love it!! I may say some things that I wish I hadn't because I know that I do love him with all my heart and I do not want to be without him. Perhaps I did get my fantasy after all. :) post comment

[12 May 2008|11:00pm] I am at a loss for words. I have no words that can discribe the way I feel right now. I want to cut myself so bad, but I haven't done that in a long time now, and I do not want to start the habit once again. I cannot fall back into that again. I have a hard time not doing it though. I have my knife sitting before me, but yet I do not reach for it yet. I was told if I was to do it agian I would be sent away, and that my boyfriend would break up with me. But what's to say that they have to know? The only problem is hiding it from my boyfriend... and also that it is summer now, and that means less clothes. If I wear more than usual they will suspect... therefore I will be bombarded with a strip search pretty much. I hate living at home.. BUt I cannot afford a place of my own yet, and I want to be able to live there on my own, without any ones help. I started to cry tonight to my boyfriend and he didn't even seem as though he cared much. I don't know why I'm still with him sometimes besides the fact that I do love him with all my heart. But I od have a feeling that we will not be together forever... What is forever? Is there really even a forever? Is there anything after death? Love is but a word that I do not fully understand, but yet I think I posses it. I must be crazy writting this rediculous shit. I'm lost for the words that I wish I could say to my boyfriend to tell him how I really feel. I do not have the guts to tell everything to his face. I'm afraid that I might hurt him with telling him how I really feel on the inside. that I am the only holding this thing together. I try everything to make him happy, even if it makes me unhappy I still do it for him, but yet he wont do the same for me. I feel sick.. I feel as if I'm spilling my guts in front of him literaly. I'm bleeding all over the place, falling apart, and he just stands there looking at me. Looking at me with no concern upon his face. It's emotionless. I'm screaming for him to help me, but still he jsut stands there motionless. I'm dying right in front of him and still he does nothing. How did it come to be this way. I know we're still young, but dont tell me that you love me when you wont even show it. Is there another in your life that you hold dear besides me? That you wish to be with her instead? You rather me die so that she is the only one in your life? My heat beat slows as you look at me with pity. I know you still have to love me!!! In my head I scream out to you as my hand reashes for you. You take a step back from me and watch as my eyes run with salty tears. post comment

Benn a while [09 May 2008|11:53pm] [ mood | discontent ] [ music | 10 Years Seansons to Cycles ] So it's been a little bit sience the last time I've writen in here really. Not much is going on with me. I believe I'm losing my mind because the dreams I've been having seem like I'm acid or something. Not to mention I've been real dazed out when I'm awake. Everything seems to be going so fast. I wonder where the week, or even the moenth has gone sometimes. I feel lost sometimes. Also sometimes I will look at my boyfriend and forget that I am with him and my heart will race. Sometimes I feel as if I do not know him, and that makes me nervous. I don't know whow to discribe the feeling I have when I look at himn with confusion. He looks at me but doesn't ask any questions. Perhaps there is something wrong with my head.. I've been getting a lot of headaches lately, and cancer really runs through my family like the pleage. It's scary because I smoke on top of all that. The most I do is stay out of the sun. I really need to quit smoking. Anyway, other than that, like I've said life has been going by me so fast that I forget what day it is. I have things to do... My school assignments have all been bullshit papers because I forget to do them, and I have to do them last min. I hate that because I don't do as well as I want on them. But I mean I can bullshit a paper like it was nothing. :) So that's good at least. I've started talking to Jesse a lot more lately. It's not a good thing because now I expect to talk to him, and when I don't I feel upset. My boyfriend and I got into an argument tonight, and I came home expecting to talk to Jesse, and he isn't online, and I'm not about to call him because he could be with his girlfriend... So.. I don't know. Ugh, I'm so confused with my boyfriend. I just... sometimes I want to cuss him out, but I know that he wouldn't argue back. He never does. he just says whatever Jessi, and goes about his buisness. It makes me mad when he never argues back. I think it's because he doesn't care. But his excuse is just that he doesn't want to argue... well sometimes couples need to argue, and then kiss ane make up to come to an agreement on some things. Or if I need to get something off of my chest that has been bothering me and he gets mad about it, but refuses to argue. I CAN'T STAND IT!!! I can't even sleep all that well anymore lately. I wake up periodtically through the night looking at the clock. I figure that time would go by slow as much as I stare at the clock, but it's like I'm stuck in fastforward. If only I could slow things down until I figure out what the hell is wrong with me. People say to "reflect" when things get like that... well let me telll you something... I do reflect, a lot. I do it all the time, and I give myself reality checks. Shit I'm going to be 20 this year. I'm in college. I'm an adult. Soon I will have a place of my own, and more bills to pay, and I'm in a serious relationship, and we're talking about marragie. I dont think I'm ready for all that yet. I don't want to grow up yet... but I have to. And I have been grown up for a while now. I've paid for my own car, I pay for my phone, I pay for most of my meals, and clothes. Fuck the only think I'm not paying is rent. But hell I bet I will within the next year if I'm not moved out yet. Okay.. I'm going to stop rambling on about NOTHING!!!!!! post comment

[22 Apr 2008|11:16pm] And so things slowly begin to fall apart. I hate what I'm taking in school right now, and one of my teachers is a total bitch! I'm so stressed between work, and school that I dont know what else is going on in life. Ugh.... post comment

It's late, I'm bored, and I can't sleep... wtf? [18 Apr 2008|01:49am] So nothing really again is going on. My life seems so boring. It's like it's that same everyday. I believe Justin and should change some things up yes? But for right now my weekend will be comsumed in homework that I lacked to this week therefore I am stuck doing it this weekend, and it's a bunch. I could have done it tonight but we diecided to go fishing instead. Now I've read that book a million times tonight as well I have a headache, and do not want to read anymore. Ugh.. I hate this shit. I'm sick of school I hate school! But I want a good job and to perhaps one day become a teacher. I want to make a difference in peoples lives, and that seems to be the best way how. I just want to teach a subject that they'll use later on in life ya know? Eh, that's all for now. post comment

Long time... [15 Apr 2008|01:29am] Well it's been awhile sience I've last written in here. Just thought I'd update saying that I am still alive and doing well for myself. My GPA in college so far is a 2.84. So I'm happy with that. I'm doing better than I ever did in highschool. but I was also more depressed in highschool as well. I hated it, and everyone in it! I wanted to kill myself before going to school everyday. I couldnt stand the teachers or the students anymore. The students were worse. Highschool and college are totally different in many way. THe people there dont give a fuck who you are really, or what group your in. It's fabulous! Anyway, Justin's birthday was yesterday... the 14th. What a bad day too. One of the presidents was shot, and the titanic sank... and I'm sure some other shit happened as well. I didnt get him anything though, I feel bad. I just didn't have the money. but I think when I get paid I'll buy him something nice. We'll see on how nice my check is. Besides that all my life has been is school, and work. ugh I hate it..... but it's something. Work hard now and play later as they say with life. Maybe I'll retire and will travel the world before I die. post comment

[10 Apr 2008|10:56pm] Life for me right now are going well. I'm worried about school though. Online classes may be more difficult than I thought they would be. I sitll need to get my books as well. Anyway besides all of that boring detail... everything between Justin and I are going wonderful. I hope that it continues to go that way. I love him so much, I pray to God that nothing happens to us, and that we last. I believe that we were meant to be together. I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe that I have found the person I want to be with the rest of my life. Him and I just go together. We keep eachother level in a way... We're totally different [in a good way]. post comment

[03 Apr 2008|11:33pm] [ music | missing ] I must be losing my mind... My emotions are in a twist... I want to cry for some reason. i dont have anything to cry about.. I want to slit my wrists just to watch them bleed for a moment. them heal them so no one has to know about it. If only it were that easy. I would do it every night. No scars, no evidence what so ever to what I had just done the night before. But nothing is that easy if you've noticed. There is always some kind of consiquence to every action you do. It's a shame how some things go through... It's like you have to fix things before they fall apart. So many lies to keep up with that you never told. Life is hard. People, and work make it that way. Now it's like you have to start working at sixteen in order to have any kind of life. You have to go to college for any real job. Working long shifts late into the night, not being able to see you're family. There's just to much to keep up with. I know so many older people who cannot even retire because they wouldn't have any money to do so. It's sad... I never want to get old... I dont want any kids... I'm to scared of all of that. Why would I want to bring a child into this world that I might not be able to raise because I'll be working all the time. Or couldn't support to just try and keep a roof over their head. This world to me is to cruel to try to bring something so innocent into it, and try to keep it prue, but still letting him/her know what the world really is. I wouldn't want to shelter them, because then they really wouldn't be able to go out into the world and servive. It's insane how things are begining to go. Everything is currupt. Nothing is ever really organized to where everything will be okay. I maybe young... but I understand a lot of what goes on. I listen to everything around me, which I believe is one of the smartest things anyone can do. post comment

Weekend Get away... [31 Mar 2008|11:05pm] [ mood | distressed ] Well, Justin and I had a weekend "get away" if that's what you want to call it anyway. We didn't go far. We stayed at a couple of hotels.. one of them being a suite. OMG it was wonderful. A hottub in the room. I must have gotten in it maybe three times. It was so nice. We had the best time too. Then came the secound night... all we did was fight. I threw some of his shit, he yelled. I was more of a bitch.. He pissed me off so bad! I wish now that I never would have gone on that stupid ass thing! To be honest I do believe that we will make it the rest of our lives. I just have a feeling once I'm out of school and I'm on my way, and can afford a place of my own I will break up with him. That's just my feeling on it. He just has a long way to go. It's almost like he's not trying at all to get a car, or a place of his own. I've tried talking to him, and arguing with him. But it's as if nothing works. Maybe if I were to leave him now he would start getting serious because I know he doesn't want to stay home all the time. What person wants to stay home all the time. I love Justin with all my heart and would do anything for him almost... but there is still a line. I refuse to take care of him for the rest of my life like I was his mother. If we do end up staying together it will be a 50/50 deal. Not like the old days were he goes to work all day and I become his personal maid. I DON"T THINK SO!!! To me a relationship is a 50/50 deal. not one doing more than the other, unless there are certain cercomstances to worry about. So all in all, I regret taking that weekend off, when I could have been making money, instead of arguing with him the whole time it seems. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, we also went bowling today... at least that was fun............heh.............. : / post comment

[21 Mar 2008|08:20pm] Ugh, so I tried to take my boyfriend out to a nice dinner and everything else right. I hadn't eaten all day because I had no time at work to do so. Therefore it's 8pm and I still haven't eaten ONE thing today. But to be honest I'm not really hungry anymore.. perhaps I'm just to mad. But before I take him out to dinner he snacks and then says that he isn't hungry.. I'm just like.. wtf.. then you shouldn't have eaten all that bullshit before I wanted to take you out. I even let my hair down, which I never do! Finally I said fuck that and just went home. I swear to god he does some of the most annoying things ever! post comment

[20 Mar 2008|11:10pm] [ mood | drunk ] [ music | Desert Rose ] And so I'm drinking... alone... in my room. How pathetic I must be. What would mom and dad say. Don't do it, it's bad for you. Quit smoking it's bad for you. Quit cutting it's bad for you! Stop crying, it's bad for you. Stop listening to this sad music, it's bad for you! IS EVERYTHING SO BAD FOR ME!!!????? Yes, perhaps some of the things I do to myself are bad. But I do believe that I am old enough to realize what I am doing to myself right now. If I chose to do them, then I will Damn it! I mean you complain about me wanting to die my hair lighter blonde, or just a shade darker brown. WTF???????? FUCK it's like I can never think for myself anymore... I'm not a little girl anymore. I'll be moving out soon realize that. Because then I will be doing whatever the fuck I want. If I want to dye my hair neon pink, you know what? I will!!!! I feel like such a brat for saying all that.. like I'm 13 and not getting my way and I'm jsut saying all of this. But I'm 20 years old.. I believe it's time for me to grow up and I figure if i just rant here it wont all come out at once on them and then a bunch of shit get started between us all.. ugh... I'm at a loss... Feeling as though I'm screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the room trying to grasp their attention, and it's like I'm not even getting it! They dont hear me. Not one motion my way! That's with all of my family, and my boyfriend most of the time. I have to get there attintion some how ya know? eh fuck it!! post comment

[18 Mar 2008|10:21pm] [ mood | frustrated ] So I was watching three kings tonight. ABout the war in Iraq and all. Four soldiers helps like 30 iraqies escape to the border because they cannot live under saddam anymore. They want to live a freer life, and be able to not live in fear all the time. Wondering if they will be shot the next day or live. Well the four get them to the border, which they're not suppose to do, and then the rest of the military unit comes in and stops them. Well the innocent people are about to be slaughtered, and the four metnion bricks of gold they had found and decided that if the rest were to help them get across the border they will pay them. All of a sudden they changed their minds to help the innocent. Funny how money can change a persons mind so quick right? I believe Man [people] are the worse thing God ever created. Now I'm not real strick on religion but I do believe that there is something out there... I just think that people are to smart for there own good, and are selfdistructive. On the other hand, nothing new has been going on. Just frusterated with the way that the world works. We are all greedy in one way or another, even myself. I can't stand it, but it is almost like we meant to be that way. So here I sit with an argument in my head trying to calm myself down. It's funny how I get myself all worked up when I open my eyes to reality once and a while. Most of my generation doesn't see things the way I do.. they just tend to sit around and watch MTV all the time. Did you know that's what our generation has been named? MTV Generation. Pleasent... I'm ashamed. Ugh.. I'm going to go.. I'm going to wear myself out over these kinds of topics. post comment

[17 Mar 2008|10:21pm] [ mood | blah ] [ music | Lies ] Well, everything right now seems to be okay. I'm just wondering if it will continue along that way. Justin and I have changed our plans for going out of town. We're still going to a mountain, but it's closer. That way we will not have to spend as much money. Anyway, I've been confused with myself lately. One secound I'm feeling all depressed and want to scream out and break shit, and then the next I'm just fine. I'm not on drugs... so it's not that!! I just don't know what would be arong with me when I get like that. Perhaps I'm bipolar? Never been tested, and probably never will. THey'll probably just stick me with some pills and say here you go it's all better. Heh... what a way to fix things right? Thats the only way to fix anything anymore... pop a couple of pills you'll feel better, and then the next thing you know you got people calling you an addic, and have to go to rehab. It's like they do it all on purpose to make money. If you think about it really. THat's just like most check ups when nothing is wrong with you but they just want you to come back to see it you "alright" I trust no one, not even myself anymore.... Suppose that's all for now. post comment

[13 Mar 2008|10:57pm] [ mood | tired ] I'm really worried about this election coming up. I'm wondering how everything will go. I want NEITHER one of the democrates in office, I just hope that Mcain wins... Hilray will kills us all for sure, and so would Obama... ugh... Did you know that our generation is considered the MTV generation? How pathetic... Most people around 16-21 dont even want to work. They just want the government to pay for everything they have... I think it's sad and those that can work, but chose not to for no good reason should be shot! Anyway, school is pretty much over for now, until next quater.. I need to hurry up and sign up for the next before I get crappy hours again........... Justin and I are doing well at the time. We can't wait to go on vacation, just the two of us. I think it'll be a nice get away. Lord knows I need it with all the bullshit that has happened lately. I hope everything goes well. Work still sucks, and I have to train three new people. How exciting will that be. One is 16 and I've just started to train him today. It's amazing what four years age difference can make in matrity, no offense. But I dont give him a hard time. I just smile, and chose to go along with his jokes. Well I think that's about all that's goin on in my life right now. Oh I've decided that I will try my best not to put anything bad in here anymore for me to read later and get upset over something again... I think it's better if I just write good things and try to forget what I've done in the past. post comment

[06 Mar 2008|08:14am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | none ] I haven't written in a while... so here's an update on my boring little life. Prom is Saturday (which if you ask me is too soon) but I'm not going this time. I wen tlast year with my senior class, and I think it would be weird to go back and see everyone in highschool now. Anyway, I realize now that I have nothing from my highschool days. Not one yearbook, or anything. I have class ID's that's it. It's like I've already erased that time of my life. I hated it though... worst time of my life it was. Oh just so all of you that are still in highschool know, college is way better than highschool. You don't have to deal with as much crap from other people. Other than that Justin and I have decided to go on a little weekend get away. I want to go camping and he wants to go to Blueridge in north GA. But we dont have the money to do that. Camping would be a lot cheaper.. so I'm trying to convience him that we'll go to blue ridge in the fall when all the trees are turning. It'll be better then. Well nothing else really has been going on. So I might write later. post comment

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