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Wednesday, April 9th, 2003
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7:12 pm
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| Wednesday, March 5th, 2003
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11:32 pm
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Small Town Beauty [21 Feb 2003|04:01pm]
greenbeanmapa
He?s etched upon the wall,
Tall, dark and emo
Everything but here,
Cause boys don?t like you.
Well this I must contest.
However I feel my testimony is unavailing
For your heart still bleeds.
Well aware of the loneliness you posses,
And these salty tears, which seep down my cheek
Are a sign of my feeling restless to cure this pain you bear.
Idolizing you for your numerous talents and intelligence.
To bad you?ve brainwashed yourself you?re talent less.
You?re claiming you wear your heart on your sleeve.
Contrary to what you believe you?ve left me puzzled,
And I?m trying to put these pieces together.
You?re the closed book I?m longing to open.
Mallory wrote that !!! shes amazing at poetry i should take a couple of lessons from her!!!! man today sucked and tommorrow will be no better.. i will explain later byebye
current mood:  crushed
current music: Coheed and Cambria- Neverender
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 23rd, 2003
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3:16 am
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You are "Lets Not Shit Ourselves (To Love and
to Be Loved)". You are cautious of your
actions and if you feel you'll end up being
hurt in a situation, you avoid it. You like
things in life to be real and pure, and you
hate the News on TV. To you, love is a puzzle
that you once felt a piece of but now you have
learned to focus on other things. You want to
get away from where you are.
Which BRIGHT EYES song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(comment on this)
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3:16 am
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i love you conor.. i cant wait to see bright eyes may 5th thats going to be the best birthday present ever!!!
so i had to work tonight which really sucked and then i went to my friend sam's birthday party.. he was soo drunk it was funny!
yah soo ive came to the conclusion that im hopeless. and will never fucking get out of this town and never find someone that likes me. yep. im offically screwed. school is pissing me off right now and i rather just drop out and become a bum on the street.. lol yah.. the main street of this fucking town.. ya.. thats my goal.. go me. fuck this sucks. im pretty sure im not gonna make it out of this hell.. i hate this place more than anything and im sure i will be stuck here forever with my luck. someone come and kill me please. ive never felt so worthless in my life... maybe thats a lie.. i feel pretty worthless when people break up with me but tonight i just wanna crawl up somewhere and die in my sleep or something good like that to happen.yep i have the shittest luck ever..
soo im just gonna post some bright eyes pictures to make me happy
You are "Waste of Paint". You can be a
very over analyzing person and you are sort of
lost. You aren't really sure where you're going
with your life but for now you hold some hope
that you will indeed get to where you are
going. Oh yeah, and that thing called
"love", you feel it's just a game of
chance. A game you are not good at.
Which BRIGHT EYES song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
current mood:  drained
current music: mineral- parking lot
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2:58 am
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| Thursday, February 20th, 2003
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11:30 pm
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11:12 pm
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summers last night down by the beach was surreal. The waves crashing down onto the mightly shore line reminded me of you. the shore line stands true,and supports the waves from the dry, unloving sand. but this, its not you. you seem not to be the bountry for me, i'm those waves of that worthless sea. you let me waste away on the sand,dry up, cease to be. you mean much more than the mighty shore to me , but to you im just another wave crashing onto you. it means nothing to you
LOL theres some shitty poetry for everyone.. i dont like my poetry i think its shiaza! !!! i dont have to go to classes tomorrow cause theres a workshop at the east and its for environmental sciences yay!!! so yah im soo excited to get out of this town as soo as possible !!!! this town sucks !!! i dont wanna work tomorrow night!!! but after working im going to the dance with laura, and after working on saturday im going to sams birthday party!!!!! i love that kid!! he is the best. i cant wait. after that i might work for emmy!! lol im the working girl this weekend.. AHHH THE TICKETS CAME IN TODAY!!! GET UP KIDSSS WOWOHAH!!! im fucking sooo excited.. thank god im working all this weekend i need the money to go to the concerts i wanna go to. like sparta, and taking back sunday. i already got the tickets for the get up kids.. but still i need some shirts and maybe some buttons to get me some scene points !! LOL! lol no. no. i rather kill myself than try and get scene points. anyways i hope mallory and matt write in there live journals soon.. i feel like such a loser for writing in mine soo much and they hardly update.. i guess there busy and what not!!! and im soo happy for them!!! bah there the cutest things ever i could eat them up like i eat my Vegan cookies.:)
anyways i should get going :)
current mood: gloomy
current music: Taking back sunday- ghost man on third
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
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9:59 pm
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you're the conor that is bright eyes. you keep
pulling out brillant beautiful songs from your
head and they just get better. you rock the
house down on stage and are a sweet shy kid off
of it. you're the best conor to date.
which conor oberst are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(comment on this)
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9:45 pm
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9:22 pm
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... i really hate being alone....
stupid fucking valentines day just made my life hell, i hate it with a burning passion.. not the good passion tho.. the evil passion. i had to work and stupid bk, which made my night even worse... after that was done i went out for a hot chocolate at country style.. after ordering my drink guess who walks in the door... chris.. like what are the odds... bah! so i got out of there soo quickly.. after walking home i watched micheal jacksons interview. that made me feel alot better. then i got thinking about the finch, mychemical romance, the used, and movielife concert that me and mallory, al and matt went too.. that was lots of fun! the crazy russians at that scary restaurant was the funniest part.. lol 50? blow job?!?! lol ohh god i was scared for me and mallory cause we were the only girls there!!! and the washroom.. im sure i have some std's from it now..
lol ahh. i am really excited to go see taking back sunday, and the get up kids. EEEKK! and hopefully sparta that would rock :D i love going to shows. it makes me soo happy.. :) well i should get going i will have more to write about tomorrow :)
If I told you that I
was thinking of moving east,
would you save a place for me?
I'll come home
because it's worse that I expected.
A place in my heart
for my home to the west
where we'll watch the same sunsets,
and when I doubt...
I'll look east and lock my heart
in a brass box to newfound mass.
I'm breaking off but this is my home.
I'd do anything for you,
give you the world if I could.
Is that what you want me to do?
These bridges and boundaries are bringing me closer to you.
...
current mood: depressed
current music: AFI - silver and cold
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
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10:10 pm
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so im really sick, and the doctor told me its just viral... but ive been sick off and on for like 3 months :( he didnt even give me any mediciation :( i think im dying. well i dont have an exam tomorrow, so im gonna sleep in, i have to work at 4 boo that. i think im gonna get my lip ring changed tomorrow :) so thats something to look forward too:) and im getting my digital camera tomorrow:) so i really have something to look forward to also :)
yay. man i wish my hair would grow :(... but it isnt! its falling out because of stress... way to go school :(! i really wish i applied myself at school, but im way to lazy for that shitznac. as long as i pass im happy :)
*I Never said i would take this lying down.
you always come close but you never come easy*.. man taking back sunday rules, if they come to toronto, mal .. we have to go.. i would kill myself if i missed them.. lol no probably not, but i would be sad ! *im in your room.. is this turning u on?* :) yay ! so im getting really excited for the 29th,.. mal would u like to sleep over afterwards? if your not busy? well i have to go to bed, i should keep this short
luv,kisses KrAzY KiNdRa..
current mood:  bouncy
current music: Somthing Corporate - Punk Rock Princess:)
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, January 19th, 2003
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11:05 pm
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its been a while since ive posted anything ! its because ive been working alot lately, dalewood i put in 20 hours in 2 days. which isnt that much but it was late nights.. thats for sure. at the last wedding the fucking bride was wearing a tie... and then they played avril lavigine!!!! AHHH!!! i wanted to slit my wrist, and then maybe choke the bride...fuck it made me sick! but there was a vegetarian boy there, and he was very very cute, i had a sneaky specision that he was gay.... but i didnt really think about it that much so i went around clearing glasses, and him and his boyfriend were dancing :( i was soo sad he was sooo cute, and very nerdy and vegetarian also... so ive came to the conclusion that all cute, nerdy, vegetarian guys are gay, and i have no problem with that, but what will i do !! lol i really dont want anyone tho, its just nice to look sometimes. im getting excited for the show on the 29th, i wish i got tickets to afi, because there one of my favourites, but seeing teachers pet will make up for it! there wicked good ! i just dont think the most deserveing people are going to afi, jimmy didnt get a ticket either, and his one of my friends that deserve it the most. all well i cant complain too much !!! im seeing another show. :D which will be awesome. me and ryan dunick are going to sparta soon!!!! which will be amazing hopefully mallory will wanna come!!! that would be wicked.. and i really cant wait until feb 10th.. whenever i think about it, i just go " eeekkk"! lol like a mouse or something. its fun. i hope matt can get a ticket!!! that would make the night alot of fun! me mal, and matt!! go us! soo im doubting its gonna be a snow day :(! it isnt snowing enough right now to make me feel like it will be. all well. so i think im going to bed. im getting kinda tired.
**This song will become the anthem of your underground. You're two floors down getting high in the back room. If I flooded out your house, do you think you'd make it out, or would you burn up before the water filled your lungs? And at your funeral I will sing the requiem. I'd offer you my hand but it would hurt to much to watch you die. And you can bet that when we mourn the death of you that night that they'll lay me on the dinner table and I will be the pig with the apple in my mouth, the food that celebrates your end.**..
when saves the day sang that for there last song, i bursted out in tears.. lol i dont know why, but they were soo wicked.
current mood:  artistic
current music: planes mistaken for stars- the part you left out
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| Thursday, January 16th, 2003
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11:08 pm
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11:59 am
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tonight i have to work boo that, 4-12 my ass i dont wanna work that long. and then i have to work friday and saturday !!! screw that. so mal and i are really excited about going to see the used and movielife. its gonna be fun !! okay so someone has really been pissing me off, i just wanna say to him, stop bugging me, you lost your chance a long time ago, to think that i would wait around for you again, thats bullshit, im not willing to put up with your crap anymore, i dont think you've changed one bit. you keep on coming back to me when you get rejected, like thats fair, im your rebound girl? im not letting you this time, so stop thinking im gonna give you another chance. you say you are like me emotionally? whatever you have no fucking clue! you hardly know the half of it, i doubt you listen to "emo" everynight, maybe you should stop trying to impress me, cause its not working this time. the thing is i wanna relationship with someone who isnt gonna try and impress me just by saying things. they have to show me some actions, and have some compassion for me, you've never had that. now you realized that im a great person( im sure you wont after reading this) but now is a little too late. you dont deserve me. maybe we can be friends a little later on, once you stop thinking about your feelings, and taking others feelings into consideration. but right now im better off not talking to you, because you hurt me, by just thinking you have another chance.maybe when you mature. it bothers me to think that you see me as a piece of meat, at least thats what i think you see me as, you seem to only go out with pretty girls. maybe you should look deeper than that. by the way i actually enjoyed hanging out with you in oshawa, and i wasnt using you. im sorry im not like that. unlike you? maybe you thought that because you use people ? im sorry i have feelings. and im not about to get hurt by you anytime soon. p.s getting drunk because your depressed is not a thing you should be happy about.
I felt you slip away
Far away from me
Further from me
You seem to drift far away
I caught myself wishing you back, as i fight to catch you
Anger wells inside me
I see me, frowning, in your eyes
(i see the fear in you where noone should ever be,
i find myself striving to catch you from..
this will hurt me less and less everytime until i feel nothing)
I see my reflection and the pain scripted across my face, set in stone
Anger wells inside of me
I see me, frowning in your eyes
Far away from me
Further from me
You seem to drift far away
I caught myself wishing you back as i strive for you
(she said "its not that i dont love you anymore,
but it would be much more accurate to say that i never loved you in the first place)
I put the fear in you where noone should ever be
Nothing to me
Everything to you
Nothing to me
Everything to you.
current mood: busy
current music: keepsake-tickets to russia
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| Monday, January 13th, 2003
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11:21 pm - My ear hurts !
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The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming,
so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets.
But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.
I came up a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said "(I am terribly sorry but) there is nothing I can do for you
(that) you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure of it.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing...
Baby don't worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying,
I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company
through those days so long and black.
And we'll just keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve of Love's uneven remainder.
But if the world could remain in a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.*****************************************************************************************
after singing that at the top of my lungs i really dont know what do say right now, other than tomorrow i have to go to dalewood and check my sceduele... boo that i hope i dont have to work on saturday because i wanna go to the peace rally in toronto. i went to a meeting tonight with al about for-profit healthcare. man Maude Barlow is an amazing speaker! and now i think im getting sick from not wearing a winter jacket since the begginning of the winter :(! stupid me. all well, thats my story, good day i think :) bah i cant wait, Mal Got the tickets in the mail today !!! and im freaking excited.. ohh geez!! i might pee myself when we go.. its gonna be orgasmic!
welll i should go
Luv yah lots
current mood: cold
current music: death cab for cutie-for what reason
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12:34 am - work work work!
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Man i work wasn't soo bad tonight, i had to clean the playground thing, and it was fun. im not looking forward to my 4-12 shift on Thursday tho!! all well
im really enjoying the single life right now, it doesn't give me any unnecessary stress! i have enough stress as it is with school and work and such. sometimes i just wanna be held, but meah i can live without it. i think im in love with every boy on makeoutclub.com.. there all soo hot and emo, and some veggies! gotta love that! well im going to bed i have to go to stupid school tomorrow !
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: Movie life- If duct tape could fix everything
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| Sunday, January 12th, 2003
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1:24 am - Movie night :)
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Well today i worked at 11 30 until 2 30, which was freaking crazy i have never seen sooooo many people come into a stupid fast food restaurant in my life. it was insane.then after i went home and had a shower, got dressed again, and went to the mall to get a new lip ring... man its an addiction now. this one has a spike on it :) its neat. after that me and andrea,justin and liam rented 2 movies, children of the living dead, and momento.. the first one sucked.. but it was soo corny and shitty it made me laugh, and the second one i just didnt understand, i felt really dumb for not understanding it, but it was weird, andrea and justin said they didnt fully understand it either. meah maybe i will watch it again and pay more attention next time. hmm what else..i have to work at 5pm tomorrow... i plan on sleeping until 3 30 i hope no one wakes me up or i will be pissed. i really wanna see boys night out there soo wicked.. if they dont play a show around here soon i will cry! im really tired and i need some sleep.night*kisses*
***
It's so nice sitting very still,
in a room where no one else can feel the pain that breaks my heart each day, I'm not ok.
Sunlight shining through my window, let's me know that I'm still alive
Why did I ever let you inside my heart? I'm such a fool.
Paint my face in shades of blood and grey and take a seat right next to me
Well I should've known that you were a killer.
But now I'm dead.
A gaping hole, shot through my heart
A lost connection from your poison dart
Shot from your tounge to end my life.
You're blowing at the fire to light your strife.
You'll never know.
The hardest thing about dying is, knowing you'll never see the light of day.
A gaping hole shot...(shot through my heart)
A lost connection from your poison dart.
My head now spins and my ears bleed gold.
I try so fucking hard, but I can't fit your mold.
You ripped my heart out, you tore my eyes out, now you're gonna pay
I'll stab you one time.
I'll eat your heart out so you feel my pain.
Don't you know that I always see you in all of my dreams?
I wanna kill you.***
current mood: exhausted
current music: The Weakerthans- my favourite chords
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 11th, 2003
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12:47 am
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If Only duct tape could fix everything...
my eyes are soo sore from snowboarding tonight ! i havent gone all this year and i was horrible, it was very horrible, today i dont think i had the emotional strength to snowboarding, i wasnt up for it and i just was kinda feeling down. but after snowboarding hanging out with emmy made me happy, shes one super chick, and shes getting really good at boarding. im proud! i can already feel my legs hurting.. im gonna be soo sore for work tomorrow. i dont wanna work. i really gotta get a new job! but where? fuck this stupid town. fuck all the stupid people in it also. theres only certain people i can stand .but after this year i wont see there arrogant faces anymore, i am soo moving away. soooo far away i cant handle sitting around doing nothing in this helll hole anymore. i need somewhere with alot of excitement, alot of shows( concerts) and some snow for boarding, im thinking b.c. it would be amazing to live there! i wonder if theres any super sweet, great personalitied, fun-loving emo boys out there.. i hope there is, cause theres none out here. i feel soo osolated in this town, maybe because i dont get out much? or maybe because no one knows whats really going on out in the "real world" this place is soo cookie cutter its not even funny. at least they bring us newspapers to feel the grasp of some kinda reality, even though you cant always trust what you read. anyways thats my story. i hate it here. im counting the days until i get to leave, first i have to save enough money to leave, i dont think im gonna go on that trip anymore with the school, i would love to but it costs too much and i dont htink my parents love me enough to give me some money cause there fucking evil and they cant let me do anything thats remotely fun, my mom was trying to make me stay home today cause she thought the roads were too bad.. fuck that i dont care if i die, if its my time to go then let it fucking be, the roads werent even that bad you stupid witch. fuck you. thats what i said.. well in my head anyways. my dad is such a cock sucker hes such a fucking tool sometimes, like get a fucking clue, the beatles arent that good, they were for there time, now stop listening to them you heard enough of them for the past 192983 years, there over, listen to some new music, im sure they would want you to do the same, im sure no teenager has heard more beatles than me.. in this day and age, im sure i could sing it backwards. its not 1964 anymore. gah, and dad... when you yell at me for my music, just think about how loud you play your shit, and when you yell at me for any reason, dont think im gonna be nice to you afterwards, i dont forgive and forget that easily im not a fucking fish. so fuck off for a while and leave me alone i dont need your shit. all well im going to bed i need some fucking sleep .. i have to work at 11 30 BOOO!!
*~*~I'm through talking
(it's the strangest thing, but I feel safe when I'm lonely)
don't take too much
you'll get burned if it's all at one time
the world don't turn without you
I'm amazed you're standing still
I'm taking my kisses back
I want my kisses back from you
your problems, they aren't problems
be glad they never will
I'm taking my kisses back
I want my kisses back from you
take it easy don't you get it?
it's just an expression
would you raise your voice every time a little dirt gets under?
cry if you want
(it's the return of no sensitivity)
you don't have to scream to say something that you honestly mean ~*~
current mood: tired
current music: the get up kids- Ten Minutes
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| Friday, January 10th, 2003
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12:02 am
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Well it snowed today :D i was soo happy, cause i got my snowboarding boots today, and im going snowboarding with emmy and maybe sam tomorrow :D aww i love those kids there super duper cool! and im soo happy about going to see my chemical romance and finch with mallory its gonna be soo good.:) i need to get a new leash for my board.. i need to take it out for a walk!!! lol.. well i do need a leash for it and a stomp pad. i love my new board im soo excited about tomorrow. i dont wanna go to school tho. i got some more art supplies so im gonna be painting soon, i love painting even tho i suck at it! i love drawing too and i suck at that also. i just dont have as much creativeness as i did before. like in grade 9, i was super crazy and was really outgoing with my art and even my whole outlook on life, and then things started to suck and my life didnt shine as brightly, and now im dull and have a general negitive outlook on life and i think my art is showing it. plus lack of motivation i have no desire in anything anymore, and i hate that about myself, after i found out how cold the world is,and had all my dreams crushed like a small animal, i started analyzing it and then i was like.. why bother.nothing ever changes.. or at least for the last 2 years it seems this way. anyways thats my whole outlook right now. i leave you with this..
Boardwalk dream all boarded up
another souvenir made to be broken
chasing the sun isnt my kind of fun.
i'd rather sit and catch snowflakes on my tongue,
when summers gone i wont be sad
as you cling on to all the good time that you've had
'cause beding alone isnt areally all that bad
**The Ataris**
current mood:  cynical
current music: Time Spent Driving -Your Arms,The Blades
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| Wednesday, January 8th, 2003
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11:49 pm - Waste of Paint
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As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry,
like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve.
And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me.
And everything I have is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.
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