11:47pm 04/09/2003
  The Ankh's home has moved to hell because the mood icons here suck. They really do.  

(draw blood)

A love poem for no one   
10:15pm 28/08/2003
mood: artistic
looking through the mirror of erised
by the ankh of angst

i look at u from afar
and i savor the look
of your liquid eyes
of your feathery soft
lips and the snug fit
of your hands between
my callused fingers.

my mind would race at
the thoughts, of the
possible thoughts of
you and i and i and u
i would sigh at that
vision and i would
dream of it often.

i would spout sonnets
write poetry and offer
a thousand prayers for
my dream cast a spell
and write your name a
thousand times until
the ink on my pen dies.

i would see myself in
the mirror and i could
almost see your eyes
your lips your hands
your face filling the
empty space beside me
filling my hunger.

my small self bursts
at this longing for
this feeling for this
torture for this moment
i die piece by piece
i weep tear by tear
i am losing myself.

(draw blood)

Keep out and stay out   
11:16am 28/08/2003
mood: predatory
music: Adam Sandler - Love Stinks
Parental advisory: You do not know me. Good. This is totally a different blurty from the usual ones I did. This blurty contains explicit words that may sound offensive to the rest of you worthless numbskulls. If you can't take it, get your ass outta here coz I'm not going to pacify goody-two-shoe assholes like you. You've been warned. If you get offended anyway, screw you.

For the meantime, this useless blog will be the home of my un-bloggable thoughts that I can't publish on my sunny blurty journal. Why? Because I might offend a lot of people and exposing my mind like that to an audience is something that I would rather die than do. But try as I might, I cannot contain these thoughts anymore, and I most especially cannot tell anyone lest they wouldn't understand these crazy notions. I still have yet to meet a person who can accept these things normally and still look at me in the eye and say that I'm still normal.


I just went about my daily rounds on the web, checking forum posts and mailing lists and blogs of my friends. It's a daily chore that I have to do, that I enjoy naman, so no ish there. When I checked out to see a friend's blog today, there was something that totally irked the lurking cynic in me.

I'm gonna come out clean on this, so brace yourselves. It's in Raika's blog. Her boyfriend, Kyle, posts there as well so it was like a joint live journal. I read Kyle's post about crazy stuff that you'd do for love. Like the one uber crazy stunt he did in following Raika to NY to study, all for the name of love.

Fuck. Crap. Bullshit. Anak ng tokneneng. Futanginayan.

Okay. Okay.

I'm coming out clean too that I have to admit it really ticked me off. Okay, to be honest, i was jealous. O ayan, bold letters na yan. I AM JEALOUS. I HATE READING HEARING OR SEEING THINGS LIKE THAT. Why? Because I hate love. I hate flowers, I hate kisses, I hate holding hands, I hate innocent dates, I hate movie houses with couples, I hate Valentines, I hate love stories, I hate happy endings. I. Hate. In. Love. Couples.

Why the fucking shit why?

Because the world is unfair, that's what. I once loved and lost it. I tried everything I could to salvage it, but zilch. I tried to heal, but I turned cynical. I tried to love again, but love eludes me. So there.

Here's the million dollar question. Am I so unloveable that love shies away from me? I am not worthy of loving and being loved? Please, if you're going to comment that I am and that a lot of people love me bullshit crap, save your saliva. It doesn't work for me. I tried feeding my mind that trash, but I feel more pathetic and even more sorry for myself.

Why is love so subjective? Why does love choose the sexier, the prettier, the more dumb-o girl than someone like me? Besides that I'm not the previously enumerated characteristics, does that mean I'm not eligible to be loved? Crap man, what about those other ugly, nerdy, big-hearted people who are also waiting for their "very moment" nga. Fuck man. How pitiful. These people have a lot of love to give yet the fucking piece of crappy love doesn't want to? Cripessake...

Am I making sense? Sometimes I hate the notion of love altogether. It's some weird selective ass-wipe shit who doesn't give a damn about other people's feelings. It is SO unfair.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Kyle and Raika. They just happened to be in love and I just happened to be the Freddy Kreuger of love sick puppies.

God, I feel so pathetic. Yet I feel unburdened by that. It helped. Only .000000001%. Mwehehehehe. To all the love-less beautiful people out there, this is our battle cry: Men Suck! Girls Lick... Hehehehehehe.

(8 drops | draw blood)