Friday, December 19th, 2003
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7:12 pm - Friends Only
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I an too paranoid of the people that insist on finding my journal.
So, if you want to add me...add me
or comment here.
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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10:40 pm - Oy!
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So, a huge fire is encircling San Diego. My friends and family all live there and they are paincing a bit...understandably so...but it's catching to me. I'm really worried. Many are evacuating. All of the freeways except for one is closed. So the fleeing people are bogged down on the one freeway with all of their possessions. It's really serious shit! San Diego is huge but somehow it's hitting everything. It's at the Mexican border, east county and north county. It will eating away at the land until everyone is driven to the ocean like a bunch of lemmings. Maybe I'm being dramatic but I'm pretty freaked out for those I love and the place where I spent 21 years and the place in which I'm moving back to. AUUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood:  scared
current music: The Scientist: Coldplay
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(comment on this)
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Friday, October 24th, 2003
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11:32 pm - oh, and...
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I was kind of looking for some advice. A girl that was in my leadership program began IMing me yesterday and she disclosed some things to me. She has begun cutting within the past couple of weeks and has found it satisfying. I'm not sure about what to say/do. I think I have been supportive but if things keep going this way then I'll have to take kind of action. Something...anything. I know how painful life can be. Any suggestions?
current mood: distressed
current music: Not A Pretty Girl Ani DiFranco
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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3:43 pm - no time
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Hey!
Not much up these days...not journal worthy things unless you want to hear about my day off sitting in my PJs watching Survivor. My fingers would get bored. I'm a sexy and exciting bitch...it's true. Then why bother writing? I need a little reminder that I am, in fact, alive and kicking.
Actually I am supposed to be driving to visit my young friend Nicci but...eh. I just want to sit and stare a bit. So I will.
current mood:  blank
current music: K's Choice: Not an addict
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 19th, 2003
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11:18 pm - Too Much Information
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On the drive to work I felt a painful jab in my uterus. Shit!
I am unprepared and broke to boot.
So, needless to say it wasn't a good situation.
I didn't have meds so I was sweating and feeling faint from the pain.
Aaron came up to me to see if I was okay.
"What's wrong?"
"Oh, nothing."
"No, really."
"I don't feel well."
"What hurts"
"It's just the joys of womanhood." (Hey, I'm not ashamed!)
His eyes got wide. He began to studder and flail.
"Never talk to me about those matters!"
"One day you may love someone with a vagina so get used to it!"
And he fled the scene.
I laughed and laughed.
Then he, after mulling it over and being mad about being 'had', returned with a paper towel covered with ketchup and began sucking on it and rubbing it all over his face. He was trying to show me how 'okay' he was with it all...and gross me out at the same time.
Ew. I'll never get the male species.
current mood:  giggly
current music: Violent Femmes: Kiss Off
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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1:37 am - What will it be?
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When asked what i will do with my life/degree I shrug.
I explained that I knew what I had wanted to do before college. Child protection...but through my many internships it ate out my soul and made me a zombie.
He furrowed his brow. "I'll be back in tomorrow. For me you must have ten goals/or activites that you want to do/achieve before you die."
This is a man that I sell beer to everyday for $5.51 (details details) I don't know his name...and he doesn't know mine. It's that German man that harassed me about not voting for Arnold.
So, what to do with my life? Beats me.
ps Baz is really depressed right now. I brought a kitten home but I think the added responsibility had a negative effect.
current mood:  determined
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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11:46 pm - hummy drummy
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Oh life! Such a bore as of late.
I've been hit with the harsh reality of the gender roles in this country. Everyday at work it is a reminder of the fact that I indeed have a vagina. I have crazed gambling addicted older men promising me (amid their lottery scratcher frenzy) that if I left with them that they could give me a good life. I'm really glad that they were reading my mind when they sensed my need of a man of their quality. And, DAMN, are they sexy *shudder shudder* But that's not even the most irritating part. Men/the co-workers shorter and less built then I, that I have befriended of the past couple of weeks, with simply stand beside me and the harassment subsides. My problems with my co-worker were solved by the presence of my new friend Kevin. He noticed my overly expressive eyebrows collided in the agony of the anticipation of seeing my newly found foe. "Whose coming in tonight?" When I told him he simply stuck around even though his shift was over. When Aimen (Hymen as I call him in my head hehe) arrived Kevin stood in front of me, locked his eyes in the battle for alpha male, and boomed "Hey buddy!" Sadly, it was the first night Aieman said nothing condescending to me...in fact he said nothing at all to me.
I swear I'm going to have a sex change operation, chop of my womanly parts, and find a manish name. It's not worth the hassle. I'm not used to this treatment. All of the women I hold near and dear are hybrids that can either intimidate verbally or physically. I have been under their unspoken protection. I am on my own now. I can see that now.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: Sympathy: Goo Goo Dolls
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, October 12th, 2003
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11:42 pm
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I need to remind myself that what I do does not define who I am.
Today I watched grandparents beat their grandchildren. I did nothing to intervene. :( I just stared, mouth partially agape and did nothing. Like all those I despise for doing nothing. But I did copy the license plate and report it to the cops. But still...I am so ashamed.
Today I told my co-worker Aieman to back off. He's so rude and yet he was so shocked by my frankness. That's one point for me.
current mood:  cold
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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6:34 pm - HOT POLITICAL WATER
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Two days prior to the election a man came in. He came in everyday and we always exchanged pleasantries. One day I said, "hey, I detect an accent. Where are you from?"
"I am an enemy."
"An enemy?"
"Yes." he left with a mysterious look over his shoulder. He meant that he was German...and so apparently they're the enemy. *blink blink*
On election day he came in for his usual six pack of beer.
"You look too sweet to be a republican. I need to talk to you about it...but not right now. Until tomorrow."
"I look forward to it...I think." I said laughing rather nervously.
He indeed came in the next day.
"Ready?"
"Yes?"
"Did you vote for the right man? And did he win?"
"Well..er...I think I did but he didn't win."
"You are against the re-call weren't you?!"
"I don't mind Gray Davis. He stands for good things. Look! Look around, it's beautiful here, why be angry? More taxes never hurt anyone."
"He wastes money. He's don't nothing for the beauty!!!"
"Are you angry with me?"
"No." Snickers bitterly to himself. "You're young yet. I'll get to you if it's the last thing I do."
He leaves but minutes later he returns for something else.
"Hey, is that your white car out there?"
"No."
"Who's is it?"
"Her's" A woman regular seated at a table. "Why?"
"No reason." He chuckled.
Well, he had defaced her car with Arnold stuff. Scary.
current mood: scared
current music: Ever After: Enya
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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1:44 am - PS
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12:56 am - At a loss
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Ugh! These last few days have been strenuous and nasty. I come home reeling and exhausted. The amount of shit I am forced to swallow is huge in quantity and it's appalling that I have the appetite to swallow it and come back for another go. I think, generally, people feel so powerless and weak in their lives that they feel as though they must degrade themselves to appear and feel stronger and more powerful. It's sad really. So, I turn around, bend over, drop my drawers and take it up the ass to let them relief themselves on me. It's humiliating. At least they don't go home and take it out on someone else...like children.
The rage that is found in the population is slightly surprising. People blame me for their credit cards not working, for their attempt at leaving without paying, for their inability to utilize the gas pump...etc. Basically things that involve me in no way. And I am one of those whose first impulse is to giggle nervously which fuels the fire of the ignorant that have no idea that that is a defense method to verbal abuse. Who am I? I am a non-threatening looking 5' 4" girl. If they only knew what a tongue lashing I could give them if I would ever permit myself. If they knew what i was capable of...they would back slowly out the door.
Tonight a man dropped two 40s of MGD on the floor. I reek of beer (which, in case I hadn't mentioned it, I hate) there are small cuts all over my hands and arms and....for some reason...in my mouth. There I was, wading through the ocean of beer and having people shout at me when I was too slow at hopping back to my station on my podium. People suck!!! This has been a humbling job. I do like it, and there are certainly nice and gentle people (who, unfortunately are not those I take home with me at the end of the day or are exciting enough to talk about) It's just...hmph
But, anyhow, there's something else. I think my co-worker has developed feelings for me. A man. Whenever he comes near me I catch, out of the corner of my eye, his buddies nudging each other and him shooting warning glances at this. He's been really friendly...and I was thinking I would finally be able to obtain a decent friendship with a guy. More on that later...Don't know what to do about it cause I'm not exactly "out' at work. Eeek!
current mood: distressed
current music: Long December: Counting Crows
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Sunday, October 5th, 2003
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1:13 am - goodbye night
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I will be joining the creatures of the day once more starting tomorrow.
Gosh has this been a lonely stretch. All of my friends work typical hours and I rarely see anyone of familiarity unless they stumble into the gas station/Cheveron. I have something that resembles intimacy among strangers. But tomorrow I will come home and I won't be alone. I can sleep if I have the warm arms of comfort wrapped around me and the heaving sighs of a living being next to me. Without that i am lost. I cannot sleep alone I have found. If Baz ever died I'd be one of those who would die days later.
Does that make me co-dependant?
current mood:  anxious
current music: All Along the Watchtower: Indigo Girls
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Saturday, October 4th, 2003
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12:05 am - monumentous occasions
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My friend Janell and I just got off the phone. Her and Casie are getting pretty serious. They are talking marriage. But when I asked about a wedding she was like, "Whoa whoa whoa, aren't you jumping the gun a little?!" Silly girl. She was the one lecturing me about the necessity to display your love publicly and now she's scared. I understand. It's funny though. But geez, babies too. She was talking to me about getting pregnant together. and I was like, "Whoa whoa whoa, aren't you jumping the gun?!" It's funny that she wants to conceive seeing that she was just talking about having ftm surgery. hmmm. People are strange.
current mood: amused
current music: Fast Car: Tracy Chapman
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Friday, October 3rd, 2003
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2:13 am
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1:15 am - ~sigh~
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Today I was hit with such despair and I feel as though the wind was knocked out of me. My chests constricts with a heaviness that I am so familiar with. My throat is parched and never quenched. I cannot explain it. I can only feel it. It's like staring down a gaping abyss and wondering where it will take you if you simply step into it. And then, all these amazing people that would give me the reason to not even glance at the hole are no where to be found. Must keep my own wits about me. Maybe I'll knock myself out tonight. I'm so very sick of myself but there is no escaping.
current mood:  gloomy
current music: If he tries Anything: Ani DiFranco
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
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5:52 am - not an original entry
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This is strange because of my slight I-wanna-be-edward-norton complex. He's just so damn smart in all of his movies (which isn't exactly his doing ;) ) But wow, he's great.
| "Angrymoth" | | Rachel Leigh Cook plays Angrymoth, who is brokenhearted after being stood up at her wedding. She meets Nina (Jennifer Lopez), who gives her an offer she couldn't refuse. She meets Joseph (Owen Wilson), who likes her but doesn't give a phone number. Joseph dies of cancer, and the doctor, Ronnie (Edward Norton), helps Angrymoth get over the pain. | What's your journal's Hollywood blockbuster?
Created by chickenbarbecue |
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Fuck Her Gently: Tenacious D
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
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10:38 pm - sleepy girl
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Yay! Two day break after a six day work week! whew!
Baz got switched to the day shift, therefore, we will get to see the awake versions of each other.
My life has become this strange and mundane existance...if you can even call it that. My friend Andrea told me, via email, that she thinks she's losing me...that she used to be able to plug into my brain and feel totally connected...but no longer. She feels me imploding into myself...which I do tend to do I guess. eh. Life is a cycle for me, and for everyone I've ever met...but it's not like I'm on top or bottom...I'm just there. I check my pulse. *It's there* yup! But the beating heart is about all I got.
(Oh, and a customer told me I smelled nice today and I ignored it. He got irate and shouted, "You're supposed to say 'Thank You'!!!) Weird.
current mood:  groggy
current music: Melissa Ferrick: Drive
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(comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 30th, 2003
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11:38 pm - Where I go...it follows
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This fellow that I'm ringing up is making small talk and he's asking me what a smart young lady is doing working in a gas station.
I tell him about my degree and how I worked at the women's shelter. That it hurts too much right now. It hurts me deep inside to see extreme agony all the time and be powerless to lift that pain.
He nods in understanding.
The woman behind him pipes in. She had been a survivor of an extremly abusive man. A military man. And she hopped through states and he would always find her. You couild still see the many scars he had left on her face even though she had been quite young at the time...and now she was quite old.
The male customer scurries off, uncomfortable with the intimate nature of it all.
Then she spoke of helping an abused woman she had seen being beaten in the park. She took the woman into her home and the woman's partner stalked my customer for years. He even killed her dog! (Very typical behavior of abusive individuals) She described herself holding her puppy as it died in her arms and the expression on the dog's face was that of, "Mommy, it's okay." The woman had tears running down her face and mine were welling up as well (I'm such a baby these days).
But I told her that she was so brave to help the woman (because most people look the other way {what's up with that?!}) and herself and that she should apply at the shelter. She smiled big at that! Then I calmed her down and she went her way.
See? I don't have to do anything with my degree...it all comes to me anyway!!!
current mood:  drained
current music: Where are you going?: Dave Mattews Band
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12:35 am
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Had a bad day yesterday...to the point of tears...it's better now.
current mood:  good
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, September 27th, 2003
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1:53 am - Tales of the station
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I'm ringing up customers and I look to the grill which is across the station.
You see, the grill is a restraunt within the station that sells authentic Mexican seafood items....like burritos with prawns and shrimp. Now, I know what you're thinking *Ew! Gas station food* But it's truly more authentic than any other place North of Santa Rosa and away from Latin America.
Anyhow, a man approaches and starts to heckle Sylvia as if it is some bartering bazaare in Tijuana. He's speaking English. Sylvia speaks some, plenty really, but not enough to argue with. He senses she doesn't understand and he throws up his hands yelling at her that she should not come to the US if she has no intention to speak English!!! Sylvia just hangs her head. Fuming, I hail the ass. manager and she apoligizes to HIM. Can you believe it?! I told Erin, her co-worker, and he over-cooked his prawns. "Have you ever eaten an over-cooked prawn...it's like rubber." And he gave me a little wink.
Erin's interesting. i like him...good guy. But, and I might just be paranoid, but he was trying to follow me home. Then first night we were both driving on the highway and he exited before me. The next night he was behind me and he passed his exit and exited mine which is several passed his. I peeled out and lost him in my dust. He's nice though...I'm just a tad crazy. :) I think it's all of the being hit on that spooks me out. (as I had stated before) It freaks the fuck out of me. You smell nice. I like your hair. I look at them appalled, then behind me, then back at them and then to the money I am holding in my hands. I am just so obviously a lesbian. When ever I see a gay girl on the street she nods knowingly. Nothing special here folks. I wear a polo shirt and jeans (baggy at that) My hair is short, I wear no makeup and I don't think of myself as particularly pretty...I just don't get it. Does this happen to everyone?
Anyway...night
current mood:  lonely
current music: Melissa Ferrick: Everything I Need
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