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·¤· How is it that the smallest things can trigger the biggest problems for me? Maybe not just me, but sometimes it feels like it's only me -- as if I'm the only one being so irrational about the slightest things. I don't understand myself, I doubt anyone else does, even if they claim to ; but that's okay. I don't expect them to. My own fiancee really can't understand me, I really think he wants to, but I don't think he does. I love him to death, with all of my heart, he's God's gift to me + it's the greatest feeling to know he's mine. I never knew real emotions 'til I met him. It'll always be that way. We had a wonderful time today/tonight + even a whole day + evening with him, doesn't seem like enough. We watched 'Jack' + drank soda. :]
·¤· He really does think I'm trying to control him. I'm not like that. True, I'm clingy, devoted, and perhaps overly attached + a li'l posessive. He's my all, and I don't want to lose him to anyone, anything -- no one, nothing. I want him, forever. No true romance deserves to be cut short, for any reason. I love him so much. I don't want him talking to other girls, that's true. It rubs me in the wrong way completely, sends horrible thoughts to my mind, and tortures me .. like being held down + tickled for hours even after you beg to be let up for a breath. I want him to be all mine, I want him to understand. If not me, just how I feel. I want him to know that it's not about what's right or wrong -- it's about negotiation + feelings. I know it bothers him to see a bunch of dude's #'s on my cell + so, I took them off. He didn't tell me to, didn't even imply to me doing so. I just, for one, never called any of the guys on there, and secondly, I wanted him to feel comfortable. His feelings are my 1st + foremost priority in my life + that's what matters most to me. More than anyone I know, or anything I've felt or known of. I feel put 2nd to things/people real easy. When he talks to someone else, I feel overpowered + put down, belittled, hurt, etc.etc. ... I shouldn't, right? I'unno. I don't really understand, for, like I said .. I don't even understand myself 99.9% of the time. I just want him happy, I want myself happy. But his happiness comes first. I wish more than anything he was 100% mine. I know I know, he's madly in love with me + his heart belongs to me, that won't change over some online hos or real-life ex-whores talking to him on here. Still though, I'm a real insecure person. I'm not jealous. I don't look at other girls thinkin' I want to look like them or that they have better style then me, it's not like that. I only get upset when he talks to girls, not when I'm around them. Like, I'm around a buncha chicks in school each day + I don't sit there feeling jealous or less of a person because they're there, because I personally know I'm better than quite a few of them. But they're not my concern unless he's conversing with them. I'd give my last breath for him, no doubt about that. I miss him already, my auntie's boyfriend Paul drove him home with me a while ago 'round 1035ish.. so yeah, it was a great day/night. I just need to figure myself out. I've gone through alot, but I refuse to blame other people for me being simply fucked in the head. If I even am. Alot of my girls agree that getting upset over a great deal of bitches on ya boy's buddylist is something to be heated over + that they'd feel put out, too if it were them in the situation. So, that makes me feel a bit better. He's sacrificed alot for me, and I appreciate that, I do, so fucking much. I hope he knows that.. I just wish the girls weren't part of his online life, or shit like that. I just wished he talked to me, his boys.. his cousins + that's it.. I can't make it that way, but I can prefer it be that way. :\ Too much to ask? Maybe. But I'll never ask him to change it, I don't have the guts for one and for two, it is his life even though he shares it with me .. I just want things to be balanced. I delete like, dudes off my list for him, and he's done it for me.. partly (he knows what I mean by that but it's personal so I think I won't post it here) + yeah the thought of him talking to another giggly, flirty,dumb broad pisses me off and makes me wanna like, nearly gauge out my eyeballs + go insane. Him laughing + shit with someone else, relating to them, talking about me + him's problems, sending his pics to them.. it hurts me, literally. I'm crazy I guess. I'm just hoping he knows that I'd do anything for him, without him even requesting it, simply outta respect. He means everything + he deserves his space + freedom, but the other girls thing is something that I just can't seem to come to terms with. You know? ... I'ma go, talk to him + try to cheer up. I don't wanna bring him down in the ditch in this shallow, insecure state of mind that I'm in along with me. Heh.. I love you Tawmmy. Goodnight.
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