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[ website | _ TWiSTYD//BiTCH* ]
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!@* _ BLAH DiBBiTY BLAH [01 Jul 2003|02:48pm]

day five of being super duper lonely.

super duper suckage.

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!@* _ BUT THEN i SEE MY BABY [29 Jun 2003|06:18pm]
[ mood | sad.. ]

:[ my baby's out of town .. as a matter of fact, out of state .. for two whole fucking weeks. he's been gone two whole days already. gah. fuck this shit man. i'm so bored. SO bored. omg. i'm ready to collapse and sleep for the whole time he's not here.

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QUiZZES!@* [25 May 2003|09:04pm]
[ music | my hard drive humming [ sounds sorta kinky ! ] ]

I don't feel like updating right now, promise I will later/tomorrow though. Here's some quizzes ;D


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p

What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

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you not like me! [19 May 2003|08:35pm]
[ mood | headache,ow.;\ ]
[ music | my ears ringing. ]

··×·· Today was so ill, lol. ;D I got to be with my baby for alot, well quite a bit, longer than usual. Wee. I was real tired all through school, slept it off, got home + chilled online downloadin' a few things -- ( the second part of the matrix finished!@* me + tawmmy get to watch it next time! (: ! ) Then I got into my red bikini + tanned out on the deck for about 45 minutes. Talked to Tawmmy on the celly soon after that + when my parents got back from the store, they took me to McDonald's. I picked my baby up a McChicken sandwich + saved him a thing of fries. After McD's they took me to 7-11 to meet up with him + we all went back to my house. We chilled there a while, drinkin' pepsi + watchin' music videos + cuddlin' + stuffz. Soon after that Natalie called my celly + she came with her mama to pick us up. We all went back to her crib, hung out a while just chillin' by her trampoline, walkin' up + down the street. Then she tried bummin' weed off this Mike guy for 5$ -- eventually he gave it to her. Omfg, he had one of the cutest puppies! Max<33 This collie-ish rottie puppy lookin' dog type deal -- and a horse!@* LoL, anyways. We waited for her momz to go back in the house + we went down into the woods, smoked, laughed at some stupid shit. lmao, when the 3 of us were comin' out of the woods, Natalie + me saw this little boy + were about to jump his ass for what we thought was a kitten in his arms .. turned out being a bundle of loggish stick things. I was disappointed *sniffle* Awuh well. We went back to her house, Tawmmy gave me a li'l heart tatoo-ey thing on my back + it's so sweet. Hehe. We cuddled lots, and I'm so proud 'cause he cuddles close to me in front of people + not all embarrassed + whatever. I'm so luckily loved. :B Tehe. Yay. He's the sweetest thing. He all kept tellin' me "your hair looks so pretty babe -- but then again, everything about you looks so pretty that it's hard to tell the things apart." and just alot of sweet things that'd take someone stuck in the cement off their feet. I love him!@* Mmhmmn. We went back, ate nummy yummy in the tummy fuckin' tacos, Natalie's mom started going psycho after this 'Tucker' character showed up + we all had to leave. After I got cold, Tawmmy lended me his shirt! Awuh! So sweet <33 + we went to smoke up again in the woods soon afta that. We were in the woods, n' this CRAZY fucking dude with a psycho daughter, chased after as + we ran outta the woods scared shit. Natalie's brother was about to chuck a screwdriver thing at the dude's head 'cause he was hanging close to the house + shit, scarin' us. Lol, then he started walkin' away + his daughter comes back, throws her head back to look at us from around the corner + gives this maniac-ish cheshire fucking cat grin with this bugged out eyes + this CRAZY laugh going "STUPIDDDDDDD! STUPID DICKS! STUPIDSTUPID! HAH, HAH, HAH, HAHHHHHAHAHAHAH!" I was majorly spooked, dude. Eeeek, crazy kids. Then they left. We all jumped on the trampoline + I kept fallin' + so I got off + sat down wit Natalie, 'cause Tawmmy cared so much ;D He didn't want me getting sick or anything to happen to disturb the baby 'n' whatever. SO SWEET. :D Then her mom went psycho-bitchtastic-freak-ified + told us to get ready, because da crazy guy said he saw ME smoking. Haha, faggot. I was, but I know he didn't see me. Soon as I heard him I ran like hell. NATALiE WAS SO FREAKED OUT, rofl. Her room's so cool dude. :D Blueishness everywhere. And a wicked comfy bed but not as big + supercomfortablez as Tawmmy's. Lol. I got to pat a horse, feed it, and we saw the thing piss like.. a tsunami in the middle of the yard. It was ..fucking horrendous, lol. Oh well, it was a great day. So hot, beautiful, and full of fun with mah baby + one of the coolest girls eva. Woopwoop. :D Now I'm on the phone wif 'em + I can't wait to see him tomorrow! P'z playas!

Did you know some stupid mothertrucka's tryin'a ban oreos? Pshhh, dummdummdumm.

Max Payne GodZ [8:41 PM]: BITCH, you made me think about things today.
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:42 PM]: Lmao, how??
Max Payne GodZ [8:42 PM]: You know how you're getting your license soon?
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:42 PM]: Yes, I'm getting my permit Wednseday!
Max Payne GodZ [8:42 PM]: Dude.. You ran away like 50 miles on foot.
Max Payne GodZ [8:42 PM]: How far will you go in a fucking car.
Max Payne GodZ [8:42 PM]: Lol.
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:42 PM]: Endless baby!
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:42 PM]: Hahahahahaa
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:42 PM]: I'll take you + Jamie + we can chill in da Bahama's!
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:42 PM]: Lmao
Max Payne GodZ [8:43 PM]: Hellz yeah
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:47 PM]: Lmao, I'm serious, until you get a car I can be you guys'z choffeaur type thing.
Max Payne GodZ [8:47 PM]: Yes, yes indeed.
Max Payne GodZ [8:47 PM]: And duuuude.. me n her are almost at 3 months.
Max Payne GodZ [8:47 PM]: ;)
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:47 PM]: Awuh
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:47 PM]: Cuteness
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:47 PM]: I'm proud of you
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:47 PM]: :D
Max Payne GodZ [8:48 PM]: I THINK THAT'S COOL
Xx SeKZii Bia xX [8:48 PM]: ROFLMFAO
Max Payne GodZ [8:48 PM]: I'm serious!
Max Payne GodZ [8:48 PM]: Teach me. :)

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i know your bitch ass from way back! [16 May 2003|01:28pm]
[ mood | cranky... ]
[ music | hail mary 2003 ]

··×·· This day's gonna suck quite a bit, and hey, I'll deal with it.. somehow. Grawr. Tawmmy's off to Manomet today, with his fucking idiot buddies. Not to mention he's taking the bus there with some girl from school, fuck that shit man he knows that bugs me. But I'm probably a better person than she is anyways. ;x I like to think that he's got all he needs/wants with me + that he doesn't need to run off to anyone else, so, I guess it's straight. I'm gonna sleep over Crystal's crib tonight. She's madd fun to chill with + so isn't li'l T-Bone ( Tanya, lol ) who happens to be pregnant, too. Damn, so many people gettin' knocked up huh? I'm wearin' the cutest li'l visor I won in a rally/raffle thingy @ driver's ed the other night. Who0p. I'm spending the entire morning, day + most likely the night, too with my baby tomorrow - our 6 monther, mmhmm!@* That's half a year jigga what! Mwuahaha. ;D Ugh, nothin' to do 'til I go to my girl's crib tonight, grr.. that's what you get for being uncontrolling wit'cha man. Girls gotta have the upper hand these days, guys have done it for too long, ya hear me? Lol. Ehhh, anyways. Time for me to go chillax 'n' listen to music, download some new shit, eat lunch, work out, then get ready to go out. I miss my sweet baby. :*( Hmph. No one comments on this thing, fuck all of you. P'z.

"Ecstacy done got me feelin', so, invinsible"

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HiHiHiHi [12 May 2003|08:14pm]
[ mood | thuggedoutinmypjz. ]
[ music | snake · r . kelly + big tigger ]

··¤·· Hey. Today sucked. Didn't get to see Tawmmy - but he's being all super sweet + shit.. HE'S ALWAYS CUTE .. I mean, he was born cute, stayed cute his whole life, and he's still so gorgeous! That makes him the most greatest looking person ever!@* OoOoh yay :] I'm sOoOo lucky. Mmhm! <33

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he would never ride with ja, nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah. [12 May 2003|10:59am]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | hail mary 2003 ]

··×·· I've got an appointment today at 2:20, fucking great. I hate appointments, to me, they're worthless. I can't fucking stand sitting in a room, one on one with someone, on the verge of going insane. I can't stand making eye-contact with anyone but Tom. I feel too challenged/intimidated by that. I can't quite describe it but it sucks. Oh well, I see Tom shortly after that. It's a rather quick appointment. Oh, and hey, I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant, if that unusual bleeding the end of last week wasn't a miscarriage, that's always cool right? Yeah. Tobey's a cute name. Hmn. Tch.. p'z.

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come quick see.. [12 May 2003|10:26am]
[ mood | bitchy ]

··¤·· I think it's a little odd not knowing exactly what will happen in my own life. I'd like to know things ahead of time, before they took place, so I could prepare myself better for whatever comes next. Virtually everyone I've ever met's always considered me to be the insightful type, and I don't completely disagree. I have a good head on my shoulders, and although I don't seem to put it to good use a great deal of the time, it still tends to work on my behalf alot of times, too. I'm always seeking something to hold onto, something I can sink my nails deep down into and pull up against me, and gain complete control over. It brings me some sort of twisted happiness and a sense of relief that I can't really explain. Lately I've been looking for more and more things to pick apart and to prove other people wrong about. Why? I don't know. I pride myself in my ability to be what I'd call an extremely compassionate person. I don't look to hurt anyone, and I always try to see the better side of even those who appear to be undeniably cruel and/or deceitful. I try harder and harder every day, just to better myself for that one person ; that one person who I can truly say I love, or ever have loved. I push myself harder and harder until I literally can't bring myself any further, just to see him crack even the slightest smile. That'd make me pretty compassionate .. right? Or.. crazily loving, perhaps? I don't know. I'm weak. When he says he loves me, my insides come together and skip all the stages of withering and melting, to turning straight to vapor and filling my insides with burning hot air.. and it's the most wonderful feeling ever, really. With him I can feel free, happy, complete, and just full of life without any worries at all. My only concern is, that I just can't seem to release the pressure of my heart's hold upon him when he needs it most, or even when he only needs it a little. The average relationship couldn't survive without breathing holes, for both partners to be able to roam about, granted they be trustworthy enough to do so, and just enjoy themselves - going seperate ways once in a while to do their own thing, only to come back into the arms of the one who loves them when the day ends. My whole life I've been so very trusting.. dangerously trusting, and I always thought it made me a better person to be that way. I never doubted anyone, never second-guessed anyone's words or looked at the big picture of the people that came into my life long enough to get a good perception of their character.. or to predict exactly what they might do to hurt me in the long run. If I had, in fact, had a better sense of character, and let my sense of trust be swayed just a bit by things that hurt me, I'd probably have saved myself alot of pain + worry. Fact is though, I didn't, and that can't change now. I've had my heart ripped from my chest, stabbed deep with the cruel, penetration only hate can give, and stomped on all over by the feet of deceitful, horrid jerks who should've never been spoken a word to by me in the first place. I learned from it all though, but I think I took it a little too far, maybe. Nowadays, I'm what many consider to be too untrusting. A giant leap from what I used to be. My defenses are so up, all the time, twenty-fucking-four-seven and it's so tiresome that I think it might kill me sometimes. Tom's done everything possible to gain my trust, and I promise him daily that he's earned every ounce of it .. and he has. My heart struggles to trust now, so hard, and it pleads my mind to break down that invinsible wall of defense it's built to protect me from being hurt, because I truly believe I don't need it anymore, not with him. He protects me, he keeps me sane.. as much as he possibly can. Still, I try to gain complete control of this boy's every move. I respect the fact that I don't have to try and control him, he's always jumping to my call, respecting everything I ask of him .. even if I'm being completely irrational. He tries his very best + he amazes me .. he really does. I just can't stomach the thought of his lips moving in conversation with another girl, I swear my fingernails scrape the wood of my desk to the best of their ability at school during the day at the thought of him doing that. Doing what? He's not even doing anything wrong, really... but, yeah, that's me for you. Always dramatizing the situation to completely unnecessary levels + it's torture, not just to me, but to him. I love him with all of my heart, I'm glad he's mine. He's so special to me, I just wanna stop being so ..second-rate. I'm never completely anything. Just when I think I'm completely trusting, I knock myself down to being only half-way there the next moment. I'm a little fucked in the head to put it mildly, but, I guess everyone is... *shrugs.*

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+ _ i DON'T WANNA GO [05 May 2003|12:03pm]
[ mood | notmovingso:p ]

··¤·· I'm so aggravated. I hate this. Fuck moving, I'm not doing it. I've got a boyfriend, I love him, I'm not moving away. It isn't that far away, but I don't care. He has to walk home alot of times, and from where I'm at right now, it's nearly 8 miles to walk as it is .. I'm not goin' to move even fucking further. I'm also in a school, that only us li'l 'Wareham kids' can attend; if the school finds out we've moved over the town line, I'm fucked. Today sucked, school went by slowly, it just sucked. Today sucks. I've got an appointment @ 1ish with my OBGYN doctor, could be eventful depending on my pregnancy test results. I've been on the patch but since I've taken off within the past few months, I've screwed up on it alot so, who knows. I get to see my baby soon after that, same time as usual - 230. Can't wait. :( I really can't wait to hold him, I just wanna be close to his heart, even though, in a sense, I always am. I think I oughta just say fuck it, finish up going to my court dates + take off. I need money first, yes, I need a job. Lobster Pot + Burger King, they both need alot of help .. I'll have to go there today. Yep, with any luck that'll turn out good. *Stretch* Mmn.. but yeah.. I'ma just go + see what happens with this appointment. My grandparents are being quite asshole-ish so I think I'll just hide out in my room 'til it's time to leave. My baby's gonna call me @ his lunch break <33 Yays. ;x Be back to update later, most likely. P'z.

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i REALLY WANNA BE WiTH YOU * [30 Apr 2003|12:01pm]
[ mood | tittyriffic. ]
[ music | can't let you go ]

··×·· I've gone so long without sex. :o Not really. But ugh, I'm addickted mayn. School was cool today. Not really. But better than usual. Got to spend the day in ISS with NiCKEY + KELLii. <33 Gotta love my girls, whoohoo. It was boring though. I cleaned out my brush + stuck the hair in the doorway to the boy's bathroom, serves 'em right for cloggin' up our muhfuckin' toilets. Lol. ;x Boredom consumes me. Pshhhhshshshshhhh. I hate havin' nothing to do for like nearly 3 hours when I get outta school until my baby gets out.

··×·· Don't you just hate it when people say shit about you that isn't true? Yeah, I do. Especially to my boyfriend. Oh well, jealousy's a killer. Envying someone's relationship + trying to destroy it with lies because yours is practically nonexistant is pathetic. Just thought I'd make note of that real quick. Blech, people straight fuckin' suck sometimes + it's queer.


_ Water WiZZ
_ Perry's Last Stand ( ice cream place )
_ Burger KiNG
_ McDonald's
_ Pet Shop
_ Subway

.. I'm sure there's others, but ahaha.. fuck workin' yo. I need the money so I guess I have to, but uh, yeah. Gotta go check out this house we might be getting. I hope we end up gettin' the one closer to my sweetpea but I'unno yet. P'z for now. 1*

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im the rainbow, in your jailcell.. [28 Apr 2003|11:24pm]
[ mood | blech. ]
[ music | don't forget me - red hot chilli peppers ]

··×·· Heylo - :\ Not much to say, well, there is.. just not much I feel like saying. Mom tried killing herself, it's a long story. She's alright now.. physically. Got jumped by a dumb broad named Tanya, oh well -- maybe now she's satisfied. Been spedning alot of time with my sweetie lately, we're falling even more in love + it's great. Just when I think things can't get any better, they just blossom into a whole new type of unbelievable, dream-like love. <33 He makes my life so happy. :) I feel bad for Danii, her + Sara are apart -- again. Danii's still sickly in love with the girl + I understand how she feels, but she deserves better. *Sigh* I'm glad we got to hang out recently + shit, it's been a while. If Crystal ever hits on my boyfriend again, I'm snapping her neck. I'm an easily-pissed-off person when it comes to that. And I don't care if you're a hippopotamus compared to me, I'll make your nose-bones stab your brain for so much as lookin' the wrong way @ him. ;P Lovingly, of course, but I will do it. I'm too much of a sweetie @ heart... I've never actually fought before so I've no clue what to do to defend myself, I wouldn't mind fighting so much if I had a fuckin' hint to what I was doing. I run from fights to prevent looking like an idiot + just ending up on the ground anyways. I gotta learn some shit first, definately. Or fuck that, I'll just grab muhself a gun and/or a blade and *clickclickboooom* peace the fakk out. I hate not being pretty. I do I do I do. I'm never breaking up with my baby!@* I know we can make our love work no matter what we go through, I love knowing that. :):):) I hope things work out for Danii, whether it be with Sara or someone else, or just her on her own -- as long as she's happy + it's for the better. . . anyways .. I went to Tommy's yesterday to see him after he got back from Weymouth ( workin'/chillin' with a good friend of his + doin' a few things I don't approve of) + we had a great time. :] We found two salamanders, named one Sinim + left the other one nameless. Had to let one go, it was losin' it's oily shit to it's skin + startin'a croak on us. Lol, I gave the remaining 1 to his li'l bros ( soooo cute ) They had fun wit it. We played on the swings, too + he pushed me + twirled me around real high + fast.. eeeek. We got to sit on his deck + drink hawaiin punch [ the new yummii-ish orange kind!@* ] + then ate some deliiicious steak that his mamii cooked. SO GOOD. *droOl* His li'l bro Jo-Jo is soooo cute. >] He was quotin' 'Malibu's Most Wanted''s dude " Don't be hatin' ! " Hahaha. Awuhh. I drew both him + his other bro Josh, puppie peekatures. Yep. ;x Great day. SO fun. Gonna have fun tomorrow,too <33 Minus driver's ed >| Blah, oh well. I LOVE YOU TAWMMY - P'z!

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[15 Apr 2003|12:31pm]
[ mood | heated. ]
[ music | go to sleep - eminem + dmx + obie ]

??? I don't see why he's got a problem with me being touchy about him talking to other fucking broads. Him not talking to them shouldn't bother him, what's it gonna hurt him to simply not conversing with the opposite sex. Some stupid little ho from his school that he knows from Manomet walks by + says something to him, he doesn't ignore her continue talking to me, nope, has to fucking say what's up to the bitch. I can't understand why he associates with chicks anyways, they're all flirty + it bothers me. NO girl just walks by + says what's up to a dude in the hall @ school for no reason. I'm like pathetic, crying over this bullshit. He doesn't need to talk to other girls, I don't even talk to dudes 'less he's with me or if it's to one of his friends. But whatever, fuck it. I hope he doesn't read this. Whatever. I'm out.

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+ _ that's bouji + ghetto. [15 Apr 2003|12:13pm]
[ mood | bouncy. :D ]

·×· I should really try + break the whole habit of running away, haha. I did it again on Friday + dragged TOMMY along with me 'til I got arrested Saturday night. For reasons I'm not saying, he wasn't in the same place I was @ the time + therefore I got brought to the station by myself ;\ Only to be held in a cell for a few hours until like 930 + then got brought to the 'Attleboro Center' to be held for the night. >\ This dude in charge of the program thing picked me + a few other girls up + brought me to court in Wareham -- where me + this TAMMi were held, handcuffed @ our feet in a cell from 10-330. Then I finally got to come home. Crazy shit, it sucked. I missed TOMMY so much. :[ I thought I wasn't gonna get to see/talk to him again for a long time, if ever. I'm prolly seeing him today, I really really hope so. The weather's so nice out today ;o I've gotta start looking for another job. Blech. Welp, update later. I promise. ;D P'z out kiddoes.

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+ _ oh suu krayzee * [09 Apr 2003|12:46am]
[ mood | skurred. ]
[ music | off with his head · b i g // p u n ]

·×· This shit is crazy. The cops were just here for the second time tonight. I need some sleep, badly. I cut up my arm a little, about 3 / 4 times close together by the area they shoot IVs/draw blood + shit... it's not that bad, like it was at first. The cuts closed up pretty good now. My ex-fag, Michael, called my house tonight harassing everyone ; my aunt, her boyfriend ( paul ), my nana, and myself of course. Threatening to fucking beat all our asses, rape us. Shit like that. The nerve of that kid, my God. Ugh. I hope to God he don't come here tonight, without my baby here to hold me + protect me. I mean I ain't scared of him alone anymore, but what if he takes me by surprise + just sneaks in with a knife like I know he'd attempt to do.. he's done shit like that before. My grandfather, whom my nana called while he was in the hospital to inform him of all that's going on, and he all says he bets that I've been talking to him + shit. THE FUCK?! Dude, I've got Tommy, whatttt theee fuckkkk would I want someone/something like that for?! He's an asshole, a prick, ugly, scrawny, smelly, gross, abusive, sexually abusive, mean, etc. etc. The cops are out looking for him. We're going to the court after school tomorrow to re-issue the restraining order. Hopefully that works.. I'm glad I've got Tommy, I'm so glad.. I feel so safe, even with him 8 miles away. I know he's mine, and that he'll always be here. Natalie's a great friend, too. She's hearing me out + shit. She's cool shit dude. We own Palladino ;D " WHERE'S THE BOX?! " Roflmfao x 756957564! Yeah well, time to shower, gotta get up earlier than usual 'cause Paul needs to go to the bank before dropping me off.


Currently ;

· Talking to NATALiE
· Shakin'.
· Having racing thoughts. >\
· Most importantly missing my baby like fucking crazy.

2 comments|post comment

Lalalalalalala. [07 Apr 2003|01:19pm]
[ mood | wet. ]
[ music | boujhetto · st. lunatics ]

·×· Yay for going out to meet my sexilicous baby in a little while. I'm catching the 2 o'clock trolly to meet him down the road from 7/11 when he gets off his school bus. Dude, over-hearing your aunt fucking in the living room with her boyfriend who happens to be her distant cousin is not cool. I was on the phone with Tommy + even he could hear it!!! Nasty shit dude. Lol. I'm bored as fucckkk. :\ I can't wait to see 'em. :] Ugh, Danielle's mad at me for IMing her girlfriend. She shouldn't be too mad because I was only sayin' shit in her defense. I'unno. Oh well. Blech, I need to get a new celly. Or atleast a new face plate -- I'm gettin' bored with mine. Mmhmm. I'm aiming to get my blurty on the list of most active ones, haha, doubt that'll happen though. I don't really update as often as I should. Too much detail that I don't feel like typin', you know? I woke up late today, and shit dude, daylight savings time's got my shit all screwed up so I was late. I did get a 73 on my geometry test though, ooooh babii so crazii. ;o I'm proud though, so it's all good. I didn't eat lunch, too chunky + grossly fat to eat any more. I shouldn't have even ate those rice crispies this morning, but oh well. Damn, I need another job quick .. there's some shit I just have to get soon. Grrr...

Things I Need To Get ;

· New celly and/or new celly face plate.
· Belly button ball-backings.
· More hair dye.
· Belly button rings.
· Tiny elastics so I can get my hair re-braided.
· A camera.

·×· Yeah, probably some other shit, too but that's mainly it. Hmn, I'ma finish getting ready to go see my baby + possibly hustle some more mula offa my grandmother + shit. I'unno if I'm going to see my grandpa in the hospital today or not. I'unno if I mentioned him being in there in the last entry, but incase I didn't he had a stroke + now has an ammonia, too so yeahhhh he's been there since Thursday. Yupyup. Sucks. ;\ Welp, gawta bizzounce. Stay Shady, ONE. P'z. <33

New SNs:
SeXiLiLBaLLa 17
sexy lil thug xo
CraziLy inL0Ve
lil kelly murphy
sexifuL babygirL
Tommys lovergirL

1 comment|post comment

smile like a chump for you .. [05 Apr 2003|11:19pm]
[ mood | mo0dy. >o ]
[ music | semi - charmed life ]

·¤· How is it that the smallest things can trigger the biggest problems for me? Maybe not just me, but sometimes it feels like it's only me -- as if I'm the only one being so irrational about the slightest things. I don't understand myself, I doubt anyone else does, even if they claim to ; but that's okay. I don't expect them to. My own fiancee really can't understand me, I really think he wants to, but I don't think he does. I love him to death, with all of my heart, he's God's gift to me + it's the greatest feeling to know he's mine. I never knew real emotions 'til I met him. It'll always be that way. We had a wonderful time today/tonight + even a whole day + evening with him, doesn't seem like enough. We watched 'Jack' + drank soda. :]

·¤· He really does think I'm trying to control him. I'm not like that. True, I'm clingy, devoted, and perhaps overly attached + a li'l posessive. He's my all, and I don't want to lose him to anyone, anything -- no one, nothing. I want him, forever. No true romance deserves to be cut short, for any reason. I love him so much. I don't want him talking to other girls, that's true. It rubs me in the wrong way completely, sends horrible thoughts to my mind, and tortures me .. like being held down + tickled for hours even after you beg to be let up for a breath. I want him to be all mine, I want him to understand. If not me, just how I feel. I want him to know that it's not about what's right or wrong -- it's about negotiation + feelings. I know it bothers him to see a bunch of dude's #'s on my cell + so, I took them off. He didn't tell me to, didn't even imply to me doing so. I just, for one, never called any of the guys on there, and secondly, I wanted him to feel comfortable. His feelings are my 1st + foremost priority in my life + that's what matters most to me. More than anyone I know, or anything I've felt or known of. I feel put 2nd to things/people real easy. When he talks to someone else, I feel overpowered + put down, belittled, hurt, etc.etc. ... I shouldn't, right? I'unno. I don't really understand, for, like I said .. I don't even understand myself 99.9% of the time. I just want him happy, I want myself happy. But his happiness comes first. I wish more than anything he was 100% mine. I know I know, he's madly in love with me + his heart belongs to me, that won't change over some online hos or real-life ex-whores talking to him on here. Still though, I'm a real insecure person. I'm not jealous. I don't look at other girls thinkin' I want to look like them or that they have better style then me, it's not like that. I only get upset when he talks to girls, not when I'm around them. Like, I'm around a buncha chicks in school each day + I don't sit there feeling jealous or less of a person because they're there, because I personally know I'm better than quite a few of them. But they're not my concern unless he's conversing with them. I'd give my last breath for him, no doubt about that. I miss him already, my auntie's boyfriend Paul drove him home with me a while ago 'round 1035ish.. so yeah, it was a great day/night. I just need to figure myself out. I've gone through alot, but I refuse to blame other people for me being simply fucked in the head. If I even am. Alot of my girls agree that getting upset over a great deal of bitches on ya boy's buddylist is something to be heated over + that they'd feel put out, too if it were them in the situation. So, that makes me feel a bit better. He's sacrificed alot for me, and I appreciate that, I do, so fucking much. I hope he knows that.. I just wish the girls weren't part of his online life, or shit like that. I just wished he talked to me, his boys.. his cousins + that's it.. I can't make it that way, but I can prefer it be that way. :\ Too much to ask? Maybe. But I'll never ask him to change it, I don't have the guts for one and for two, it is his life even though he shares it with me .. I just want things to be balanced. I delete like, dudes off my list for him, and he's done it for me.. partly (he knows what I mean by that but it's personal so I think I won't post it here) + yeah the thought of him talking to another giggly, flirty,dumb broad pisses me off and makes me wanna like, nearly gauge out my eyeballs + go insane. Him laughing + shit with someone else, relating to them, talking about me + him's problems, sending his pics to them.. it hurts me, literally. I'm crazy I guess. I'm just hoping he knows that I'd do anything for him, without him even requesting it, simply outta respect. He means everything + he deserves his space + freedom, but the other girls thing is something that I just can't seem to come to terms with. You know? ... I'ma go, talk to him + try to cheer up. I don't wanna bring him down in the ditch in this shallow, insecure state of mind that I'm in along with me. Heh.. I love you Tawmmy. Goodnight.

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* _ War + Stuff = SHiTTY ;\ [21 Mar 2003|12:13pm]
[ mood | concerned. ]
[ music | they don't know · the lox ]

·¤· What's up to all my fans out there today huh? ;x Lol. Ooh, lookie that, the sun's startin' to come out, whoopie!!! Ugh, I feel so bad for da li'l kiddoes that live in Iraq + stuff, they dun have a clue what's going on + none of this war shit's their fault. They must be scared outta their li'l minds. :\ Hopefully we killed that sand-dwelling arrogant fuck ( Sadaam Hussein ) But yeah, anyways. On a more happier note, I got to see my baby yesterday. :] Yeah, we met up down the street from 7/11 like usual when he got outta school, then we took the next trolley up to my house + watched the new 'Superman' video by Eminem along with 20 minutes of 'The Ladies Man' rofl, real funny movie so far, but I'ma finish watchin' it with him next time we chill here. The day before that, things went really fucked up for a while. Some prepubescent titless whorebag was talking shit about me, for no reason at all, to a girl that barely knows who I am + MiNiS over-heard 'em. He believed what they were saying I guess because he couldn't understand the motive she'd have for talking shit to other people + not him if the shit wasn't true or whatever. Now it don't make alotta fucking sense to me either, but yet again people that two-faced + ignorant don't make sense overall anyways. Over + over I tried convincin' him I wasn't lying .. in which I truthfully wasn't @ all .. but he still didn't believe me. I told him how I felt about shit + how what was said had no truth to it what-so-ever, and eventually I got him to loosen up a little + hug me + let me tell him that it was all okay. I thought I was gonna lose him.. and that scares me more than death. :*[ Seriously though, if he had left me, that may have been a fucked up reason to leave but still, it'd be because of that stupid chick ( Ashley )) wanted to run her lip about me for no reason at all and I would fucking rip that girl a new set of lips + just beat the shit out of her. She's a little runt sister of some buck-toothed chick, Courtney, who runs with my ex·idiot, Dean. She's almost as bad as her sister, but she's not nearly as loud-mouthed. What-the-fuck-ever though, I ain't stressin' it because I know my hunnii ain't gonna juss leave me over some straight up bullshit like that. Later on, to get to the point, we made love in this broken down 18 wheeler that they store the carpet holding cardboard things in back of this 'Carpet World' place next to 7/11. Haha. That was like, sexual-wise anyways, the best time of my life. x; It was all excitin' + shit, not to mention he's so.. uh, well-endowed, so-to-say. ^^; Meep. Uh, moving right along ~ these two dudes that work @ the carpet place came out back to put some shit in the truck + we thought for sure we were gonna get our asses caught but then, they pulled the door down + locked it!!! Luckily enough for us, the door was mad old + easy to pull back far enough for us to slide out underneath it. We juss chilled the rest'a the day + had a good time together. I love him :] <33


·¤· Anyyyyways, that sexy muhfuqqa of a fine ass boyfriend I got juss called my ass up!!! ;D He called from a payphone @ lunch from school ; pshhh, him goin'a regular high-school sucks for me 'cause I'm out nearly 2 hours earlier with nada damn thing to do until he gets out, but I'm happy he's with me @ all so it's alright I guess. :] He made me the most sweetest thing in his art class, with two pieces of paper glued onto both sides of a buncha paper in between it, so it feels like it's made of cardboard, in the shape of a big heart with the words " I Will Always Love You" cut out all extra - neatly + cute-ish :] He's so thoughtful I am soOoOoOo fuckin' lucky!!! I got it hanging up on my wall right above my computer speakers now, too. Mmhmm. I'm so proud to have such a great boyfriend though, fo'real I'm the luckiest person ever. Yeah, soOo, we juss made plans to meet up @ 235ish today + stuff, so that'll be real great :o I can't waiiiit to hug + squeeze 'em. Ugh, bein' apart from him SUCKS 'cause he's like, the most cuddly/huggable person in this world I swear, and I've always got da urge to juss reach out + grab him + pull 'em all x-tra close + stuff. Mebbe someday I'll be able to do that e'ry day if he wants to live wif me still @ some point within the next few years when we're old enough or whatevers. But I'unno, I think I'll just sit around + watch this war shit, avoid eating 'cause I'm fat, listen to some music + juss think'a him + how much I can't wait to see 'em today. SoOo, B·E·Z babe-ayz. <33

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* _ oOoOH ;x [17 Mar 2003|06:43am]
[ mood | blessed :] ]
[ music | free · f r e e w a y ]

·×· Happy 4 Months, TaWWMY!!! :] I can't believe I've gotten so lucky as to have someone so special to call my very own. You make me the happiest I've ever been + I owe you the world for showin' me so much love. I love you baby. <33


·×· Yesterday was so fun. It was sOoOo beautiful outside for the first time in like, well, a while + I decided to walk to meet up with TaWWMY ;x It was the longest I've walked in probably my entire life, but it wasn't that bad. Lol, just like, 2 hours I think. I'unno, so yeah. We met up on the train tracks 'bout 130PM + sat down on the siderails jus' cuddlin' a while + talking. Then we walked the tracks up to behind Wal-Mart, and we saw MiNDY, jESSE, DEeANnA + two chunky middle school kids. MiNDY's really loud + shit so she was getting mad annoyin' + we tried to shake 'er off by going into Stop + Shop () lookin' for dem free samples ; ya know how we do hahaha ) but there was nuffin' for free @ the bakery, so we left. Thennnn we walked to Wendy's + got a buncha shit, ate, then left to walk towards his house. He kept stoppin' to hug me + kiss me + tell me how 'beautiful' I am + how much he loved me. :3 I was like 'awuh' ; that made meh feel soOo special. I love his kisses!!! Mmhm.. so that was good + then we stopped @ Family Pet + looked @ da cutesy li'l chinchilla + the cuddly hamsters + stuff before walkin' to his house. I had such a great time there :o We watched a DVD his Uncle Ron had made in memory of his nanni + it was beautiful, plus I was so like..honored + stuff to be the one sharin' those memories with such an important person. <33 Lol, there was pictures of like, his whole family on li'l slideshows on it + there were so many baby peekatures of him!!! HE'S STiLL GOTTA BABiFACE >D I swear he made the most adorable baby I've ever seen. ;x Mmhmm. Then we cuddled on his bed + watched this real hott video him + his boy down in Braintree made up. He acted so much different around his boys then he acts around me, but either way he acts the same in the sense that he's still a sweetheart + I love 'em. I'unno he just acts all g'd out + rappish + shit around them, and yeah that's his personality + shit + that's how he is around me but he doesn't talk the same, lol.. it's hard to explain but I think anyone who's gotta gangsta and/or white rapper for a boyfriend will be able to feel me on that one. Either way, he's simply the sweetest most gorgeous guy ever + I love 'em. Omfg, he looked so fucking hot on that video though. Ahhhh, he can freestyle so good + when his shirt comes up ..ahaaaa... DAMMMN HOMiE ;x It's so fucking awesome. We spent the rest of the time kissin' + huggin' + looking @ s'more old baby piccz + shit + I had alotta fun. I'm glad we decided to walk back there. :] Then he walked me halfway down Head of the Bay Rd. + my grandparents picked me up .. I love him so much!!!


·×· Ah shit yo I gotta get ready + shower + dressed for fuckin' school + shit. After that I gotta appointment for like 10/15 minutes + then I've gotta rush to meet up wit my baby on time so we can spend our anniversary together. I'll update this sunnuvabitch tonight, prolly. Depends on how worn out he gets me ;x;x Hehehe.. p'z + b·e·z

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_ * HEAD ova HEELS ;x [16 Mar 2003|01:41am]
[ mood | dreamish. :p ]
[ music | magic stick · fifty cent + li'l kim ]

·×· Today was a great day. :] Work was cool ; I went in from 8 - 2 today. Blech, Saturday's at that joint are so fucking full. That's 'cause Wendy's got that bomb diggy value menu fo'sho ;x Who0pwho0p!!! Haha. Buuuut, yeah. I had to have prepared atleast like 100 salads before the place opened up for customers + shit, but it wasn't all that hard. My sweetheart came in 'round 1230ish to watch me slave away, lookin' all dumb + clueless behind the counter on register, takin' orders. Lmao. He waited for me to get off + then we hung out. <33 We had such a fun day/evenin', like always, but alotta sentimental/precious moments went on where some of the sweetest things were said between us today. He gave me some verreh verreh hot + spicy thrills today with some really good ..yeah ;x I love usin' my tongue on that kid ooh ooh ooh.. every bit of him tastes so sweet!!! Ugh, n' those lips are so soft + moist.. the way they feel on my skin/lips leaves me breathless. *Daydreamdaydream* OoOoh, I love making love wit him. He's so passionate, yet so seductive + rough in the gentlest of ways.. he brings da good pain bay-bay lol. I'm gettin' ahead of myself lookin' back on today ;x;x;x;x Mweeehehehehhee.. But yeah .. Nothin' ever goes dull with him, he's always surprising me, in the best of ways. I love him oh so very fuckin' much. Mmhmn, welp, I'll update later on today 'cause it's nearly 2AM + I need'a get to sleepies to meet up with ToMMY in muh dreams. :o Then I'ma call him in da later AM to make our chillaxin' arrangements, ahahaha. Mmhmmmmn, B·E·Z babies + sleepsweet -- P'z.

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_ mE DO THiS 1 ALL BY MY LoNELY ;x `*` [13 Mar 2003|09:07am]
[ mood | amped ]
[ music | GO 2 SLEEP !!! ]

·¤· What up playas?! Chillaxin' up in herrre. Hmn. Jus' listening to music + bullshit like that, I've gotta get ready for that damn dentist appointment thing @ 1030, soOo thought since I had a while, I'd jus' update this thing. Ugh, I miss my baby so much. I really mean it when i say i feel iNC0MPLETE without him around me. The thought of life without him, is scarier than death even. Probably, because in my case, it'd be almost the same thing. But yeah, I seriously cannot wait to see him today. :] I'ma jump on him, tackle him, and attack his sexilicious face with kisses.


·¤· Well, listenin' to music's one of my favourite pass-times when I'm not around ToMMY ; so I'm lookin' up a shitloada songs right now. My room's a fuckin' mess, lmao .. shit, I oughta try cleanin' it before I go out today. Maybe I will. ;\ Dammmn, I've gotta beat this one bitch's ass and I gotta fuckin' do it soon. She thinks she's gonna fuckin' come to my work now + start shit?! I think the fuck not. I ain't never thrown down in my life but next time she goes to pull some bullshit like that I'ma start swingin' punches at her fuckin' fat facees 'til she's bleedin' out her nose, mouth + ears. She's a straight-up fucking bitch dude ( Shannon ) Not to mention, when I started work yesterday, she had the audacity to step to my fucking boyfriend + say shit about me. Then she tells him that the reason she's followin' me around is 'cause she 'beat me down' a few years back + she's jus' been waiting for me to hit her 'cause I ain't yet. Well, she ain't gonna have long to fucking wait if she keeps this shit up. I don't even give a uck if the bitch got scrap + can beat my ass royally, but I ain't gonna take her shit + just sit back like this. Oh well though, bitches get stitches + that's my closing for that li'l story. ;x Other than that, life's been going pretty good. I see my baby quite a bit now, we're always talkin' + 99% of the time getting along perfectly. I gotta job so now we're gonna have money to spend when we're out instead of having absolutely nothing to do. But hey, even when there's no place to go, just being near him + spending time with him makes it worth while. Well, I'ma go now. Gotta shower, get dressed, finish downloadin' some shit + clean up my room a li'l. B·E·Z babies <33


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