Blurty for Jesse.

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Thursday, September 25th, 2003

Subject:Whoa..!
Time:10:10 pm.
Mood:indescribable.
ok well my life is getting crazier by the moment...lets see ok i've got all these friends...but the thing is their all guys! and i don't really want a relationship now...i'm not over Brian so it wouldn't be fair to all these guys...and while their helping me keep my spirits up i feel as though i'm leading them on...and in a sence i am...and it makes me feel bad. I do like these guys...and i mean theres some that i would like to date at some point but really just the wrong timing...And its so weird b/c all of these guys just happened to walk back into my life again like either right before or right after me and Brian broke up...it was like they knew it was coming or something. I have a great time with all of them though...

~Stephen...i'm happy your back in my life again...i don't really know how to handle it but its nice to be talking again...
~David...well what can i say we've been friends for a long time and finally we're haning out...i have a great time with you...you make me laugh and definatly keep my mind off things...
~A-Ron...Buddy what can i say...your a great guy...and i have a great time with you also...really bad timing for us tho :(
~Mike...Well Mike's like a brother to me and i love being able to call him and have someone to talk to...Love Ya Baby!
~Jay-Sin...ok still don't like the way you want me to spell your name but oh well...thanks for bing you in chorus and keeping me from crying and everything! Now just get me to do the solo...
~Ben...Your so sweet...B-E-A-U-tiful voice...thanks for the massages in class ;)
~Zach...Well i really can't undersatnd why your back in my life...i'm not saying its a bad thing but i just really thought we would never talk again...
~Phil...(saved best for last)What can i say LiL Bro...Your a blessing to me! your always there when i need ya and always have something to say to make me smile...we seem to be in the same boat now...and i hate that your in it...but ya know what everything will get better i promise!
Thanks to all you guys...i know it may not seem like much but ya'll really have lifted my spirits...

*~*BRIAN*~* I miss you so much...I keep having dreams about you...just when i think my mind is getting away from you for a little bit...i see something...hear something...or dream something that just makes me want to cry...I love you...
Love Me.

Friday, September 19th, 2003

Subject:my life is just not what i want right now
Time:11:42 pm.
Mood:crushed.
My LIfe...Well its not at all what i want. First off the greatest guy in the world tells me he's not happy with me and that he feels shitty around me...not exactly what i wanted to hear from someone i love. And so from the fact that he said he wasn't happy with me...then how can he love someone he's not happy with...so basicly he told me he doesn't love me anymore. So doesn't that just sound like the best thing in the word to hear form the one you love? So yea i've been crying bout every night...and i can't help it...it just almost never stops. What makes it worse is i thought that he was "THE ONE"...Another thing that makes it bad for me is i talked to his brother tonight b/c he came into where i work...and he asked me how life was. And i told him well actually its pretty shitty right now. I told him what happened and he just couldn't believe it. He said that it didn't make sence b/c i was the best thing that ever happened Bri. I miss his parents...i miss being with him....i miss his smile...and his sence of humor...i just miss him!! The only thing in life thats keeping me going right now is i've got so many friends to get me through this...its great...THANKS TO EVERYONE I"M TALKING ABOUT...you should know who you are! I love you guys!
1 - - Love Me.

Saturday, September 6th, 2003

Subject:why would i do something soo stupid??
Time:1:16 am.
Ya know...i don't understand something....how could i of shared something with some that was special to me...and now he doesn't give a damn about me. why couldn't i have seen it coming? why did i do it? i don't understand. Does anyone understand how bad it hurts to be ignored by someone like that? And yes i do realize that this one is my fault in a way but its just horrible. One thing that kills me the most is it hurts one person who i care more about now than even i could ever thing of. I know that i made a mistake...and i know that i can't take it back...so why can't i forgive myself?
1 - - Love Me.

Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003

Time:8:52 pm.
Mood:tired.
Music:SHeDaisy "What This Woman Needs".
~Today was a day like every other day. But last night...well last night i spent time with my parents and my baby. A lot of teens would say that wouldn't be a fun night for them but i enjoyed that time. I enjoy it everytime. And i'm glad that he finally decided to come over and spend time with us...cause it seems like its been forever since he's come over.

~Is it bad that i'm thinking about my future...like getting married and having kids...ya kno starting a family kind of thing now in my life? I mean not starting one now...just thinking ya kno when i wanna start and things i'm gonna do...where i wanna live...i mean i don't even know what i want to do for a living yet, and its kind of scaring me that i'm thinking about marriage and kids when i don't know what i want to do besides have a family. I mean maybe i'll end up just being a stay at home mom...but its not really what i want to do i don't think. Ok i need to stop talking about this b/c its really scaring me that i'm thinking about it. I have plenty of time to think this stuff out...So why is it bothering me????

~Movie Quote~
"How do you write women so well?"
"I think of a man, and i take away reason and accountablitiy."
Love Me.

Sunday, August 31st, 2003

Time:9:16 pm.
~Well me and my baby are good...But theres only one thing i have to complain about...i thought i was gettin it across that i wanted to spend more time with him....and i tell him i have nothing to do tomorrow and for him to call me. But nope he's hoping to getting to drive tomorrow and he asked 2 other people in front of me what they were doing tomorrow. So i'm guessing he doesn't want to spend time with me. Or atleast thats what i get from it. One of the one days that they don't have a meeting and i'm out of school he won't spend time with me. I know he wants to get a new truck...and i know he wants to move in at 51 but i would still like to see him. So what do i do? Or what else can I do to get it across to his head that i wanna see him? I dunno...

~Please fill free to comment anytime...Thanks :)
Love Me.

Saturday, August 30th, 2003

Subject:...things are rough....
Time:12:40 am.
Mood:sore.
Music:Tim McGraw! :).
~Ya know things can get really rought in life. Can really stress someone out. Well i know that this week i've put a person through a bunch of crap...and in doing so put myself in some crap. Life is full of obsticales...I totally believe that. If anyones life is just a breeze then to me it hasn't been a life.

~To the person i gave crap this week...i'm sorry! and i can't tell you how much i love you! You mean everything to me...and i know i've told you all this before but i just can't tell you enough for you to understand. But i hope you do understand.

~Nothing great happened today tho...Except! The fact that i can barely move! Its crazy! me and Whit went to work out yesterday and ended up taking a class. We did squats and all that fun stuff...and i can just barely get up the guts to walk up steps. But i'm going to go to bed now...because i have to be at work at 9 tomorrow and its like almost 1AM
Love Me.

Saturday, August 23rd, 2003

Subject:...feelin' good...
Time:12:13 am.
Mood:loved.
Well nothing great happened today. In fact i didn't even get to talk to my baby except 2 times and only 5 minutes each time. You know i had i friend to tell me yesterday that i was his hero...all because i'm happy. And all i could tell him was that i dunno whats made me so happy but whatever it is i don't wanna let go of it. I was walking down the hall today and some girls notebook feel apart on her and usually people would just walk by and not help...but for some reason i helped her and even though it was such a little thing i felt good helping her just pick up papers. Another good thing that happened to me today is my spanish 2 teacher came up to me today and told me that i was doing really good this year that she was impressed with my test grades and everything. And that made me feel really good becasue i had her last year for spanish 1 and lets just say i didn't do so great. So that made me feel a lot better about this year...i'd been worried about that class so much...and i still am that just gives me more of a pick-me-up. I feel good about my senior year. I think its going to be really good...i've got a great family supporting me and a wonderful boyfriend to kick me in the butt and get me in gear with school if i get off track...and i can't be more thankful for these people.
1 - - Love Me.

Thursday, August 21st, 2003

Time:9:16 pm.
Well today nothing really interesting happened. Although last night after updating this i had a friend to talk to me that i haven't talked to in a while. It was good talking to him just because we had some things that needed that time to cool off and be worked out. I feel like a part of me is better now. I'm sorry for what happened with me and this person...i do wish things could of been different with the way that it happened but i can't say that i wish that i don't have what i do now. I wouldn't give up what i have now for the world. I am really glad that me and him talked and to me feels like we in our own way worked out somethings. And he said one of the nicest things to me that anyone has said in a while he said that by my profile that he can tell that i'm happy and even if he could go back and change things he wouldn't b/c i'm very happy with Brian...so why would he want to take my happiness away from me. That made me feel so good and made me feel that maybe if he notices how happy i am that hopefully Bri does. I really hope that Bri knows how i feel...because everytime i hear his voice or see him its just like a part of me was missing but when he's around i'm whole.

~Good News!~ Andrew my friend that is in the hospital is doing better... my friend Jenn went to see him and he's got one more surgery to go thro and she said he squeezed her hand like five times. I kno Jenn loves this guy...and i just hope that things work for them...Good Luck to Jenn...and my Prayers are with Andrew!! I Love You Guys!!
Love Me.

Wednesday, August 20th, 2003

Subject:...love...
Time:6:52 pm.
Love is a beautiful thing. I've messed around with my feelings before now and now i just can't understand why i wasted my time with so many. And i'm not talking about sex...i'm talking about finding someone...someone that when yuo see them they make you weak...and when they kiss you its like the world just stops just for you and that person. Is it possible you can find that when your only 17? Some think that its not...like say parents for instance. But for once i think that my parents are really happy with who i'm dating. And that is really a great feeling. I've never had a guy be so close to my parents as he is, and i've never been so close to a guys family as i am to his. It really is a wonderful feeling. I've always wanted to get to know him...and when i finally get the chance to i end up falling in love. I feel i can be myself around him...I feel like i'm welcome with him...and i have many things to thank him for. He can always make me laugh when i'm feeling down or even if i'm mad about something theres always a way he can make me smile. I don't know if he knows how i feel...i hope he does but i guess theres no way of telling unless i ask him. But theres something about asking someone something like that that its just kind of uncomfortable to me...or it just seems like i'm questioning the relationship but i'm not doing that at all. I just want him to know how i feel and just hope that he feels the same way.

~"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves." 1 Corinthians 13:4-6
1 - - Love Me.

Tuesday, August 19th, 2003

Subject:...another day in the life of me...
Time:8:32 pm.
Mood:tired.
Today was yet another "B-E-A-Utiful" day...nothin out of the ordinary for me except the fact that me and Whitney went to the new gym in Oak Ridge and worked out. That was interesting! We did sit ups and i've never been to great on them and we were passing a weight back and fourth...but lets just say after about 5 I was already hurting. Sad huh? But its good to start this for me and her cause we never really understood how out of shape we were. (Me more so than her.) I need to start respecting my body more though. Its not that i don't take care of it its just i don't always eat right and i don't get a normal exersize. So i'm happy that we're actually starting something like this. I can't wait to do like kickboxing classes...i think those will be really fun.

I'm still kind of down about Andrew being in the hospital...and that won't change for a while i'm pretty sure. But good news...my grandmother is out of the hospital now. :) Yay!

Things i need to do:
Set goals...long term and short term goals...
Love Me.

Monday, August 18th, 2003

Subject:life...is just wonderful
Time:5:48 pm.
Mood:content.
~Today was just another day at Northwest...a sad day in some peoples case. Why? Well, b/c of Andrew. He was in a really bad car wreck Saturday and he's really not doing to good from what i hear. I've told a bunch of my friends that i just can't handle someone else going in the hospital. I've had enough with my grandmother, my uncle, Andrew, and Eric (a guy that works with my boyfriend, Brian) being in the hospital. I've got great friends to keep me up beat though. And i really can't thank those people enough...ya'll know who you are! My life, thanks to God, has really been going good. I've got wonderful friends, a great boyfriend who i couldn't care for more, and a awsome family. I guess the only thing i really do have to worry about besides for the friends and family in the hospital is school. I need all the support i can get from everyone to push me and make sure i get through this year smoothly. Its great being a senior! But i'm ready to be out of here. A lot of kids are scared to go on their own but i want to...not to get away from my parents but so i can expierence things for myself and not have people on my back every move i make.

~ Note for the future....I know its really soon to say this but i can't wait to have kids of my own. Yes, they can be annoying at times, but when they look at you with those beautiful baby eyes and smile at you it just takes your heart away. I already feel like i have kids of my own having 2 nieces and 2 nephews...so i'm getting some expireence in. I know its never enough but atleast i'm getting some in. And i kno that who i marry with be a loving father and hopefully i'll be a good mom so that will just make it all so much more better.

~Its nice being back in a church now...I've been wanting to go to mine for a while but the thing is i go alone when i do and i guess i've always looked at church as being a family thing or going with people you love. And i'm not saying that there aren't people that i love there...its just nice to have family with you. I owe it to Brian for getting me back in church and i couldn't thank him more. I like going with him...seeing him there lets me see a different side of him, but its a good side. He's great with the kids...which is really fun to watch. I want to try to go to both churches. I really miss my church but i like Brian's church too. I like having someone to sing stupid songs like "titties and beer" to get me to stop crying about things while in the middle of service or whispering funny things in my ear just to get a little laugh out of me. i know its prolly not the best thing to sing or do in church but when i'm depressed and crying over things i'm thinking about it gets my mind off of it. Thanks Brian!! :-)

enough for today...cont. later
Love Me.

Blurty for Jesse.

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