Sabine's Journal
20 most recent posts

Date:2004-08-11 16:42
Subject:sick starts here
Security:Public
Mood: depressed
Music:ted leo

So you're tired of the images that you are force fed everyday?
you fill yourself with self-hatred and dark chocolate covered almonds.

You sit around with half-ass art projects and little known acquaintances.
But you just can't seem to get yourself involved.

Always a fan but never an entertainer, you even sit in the audience for your own life.
Your pants are too tight and your arms are too flabby but you can't quite give up.

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Date:2004-07-26 21:16
Subject:the return of Patty
Security:Public

Well now, Patty is back and we missed her. NO WE DIDN'T! Talking about myself in the 3rd person, and i'm not even using my real name. Hmmm, that spells bonkers if you ask me. Boy this guy is a nutjob. I think I need to nip it in the bud. I can't believe that I thought he was so cool. ewwwwwwww

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Date:2004-07-25 21:59
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: confused

I think that I may be depressed. Why else would i have these intense highs and lows where all I want to do is drown my sorrow in food. When I'm busy I'm fine but on the weekends it's the worst. I feel so useless and anti-social. Maybe if I buckle down and work really hard at school then I will finally feel some self-worth. I think that it's time that I focus on something real, not bullshit that I've spent so long worrying about. I know that I am a good person, a loving person, that I deserve to be happy, but that I need to focus, work hard to achieve my goals. It's so easy to go off track. I get caught up sometimes in this reality that I've made. It's so false, so surreal. I do what's right most of the time, I feel that I'm doing a few things I should, but I'm not doing the very best that I can do. I'm not giving it everything I've got. In the words of Rudy, have I done everything that I could? I don't think so. I also need to get back on track eating and exercising. There is no surprise there. When I feel bad emotionally I eat crap and lie down constantly. Please help me find my focus. I am going to get back on track right now.

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Date:2004-07-12 19:09
Subject:well it's been a bit of a ride.
Security:Public
Mood: mellow
Music:flaming lips-soft bulletin

So what precipitated my minor breakdown? I don't like sundays, there isn't enough to do, the family is represented in full force, and any activities are packed with people. I felt angst-ridden, antsy, bitter. I ate too much and didn't exercise enough. I just couldn't get my head on straight. And then of course I was bitter because someone wasn't available to talk, despite the fact that I would have made a miserable conversationalist. I think I tried talking for a while and it just didn't feel right. He claimed that he wasn't feeling good either, so what a pair we made. This morning while driving I realized that you can put yourself in a bad place in a matter of minutes. I was feeling ok then someone cut me off while driving and i went all cattywampuss.
I ate a small dinner after that huge, fatty lunch with Hilda. At least i cut back on brekkie in anticipation. I know that mondays i will have one fairly large meal because I will eat out with miss Hildie. Total bummer on the bead stores being closed, we'll have to try again next time. I'm feeling ok about binging this weekend, I guess it wasn't too much of a binge, ate that big late lunch on saturday, but then a little soft serve later and that was it. I think that I can cut and re-train myself rather easily. If I know that I can eat anything I like, except in moderation, than nothing is off limits. Also, I have 2 candy bars in my top drawer that are completely unappealing. It doesn't have so much to do with them being off-limits, it's just not worth the fat and calories. Now the soft serve sundae was another story entirely. As were the butter soup scallops. Goodness, that was delightful.

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Date:2004-07-09 16:15
Subject:love you're not alone-
Security:Public
Mood: determined
Music:david bowie-ziggy stardust

I'm here. I'm not letting anything get in my way. What could possibly get in my way you ask? why me of course! I've spent so many months sabatoging myself. I'm not angry, regretful in any way. It's just that for the first time in a long time I feel like there is nothing I can't do. If having a crush on someone does that to you then it's a good thing right? Maybe those feelings needed to be re-awakened. I don't care what it is but I like it. I'm going for it. I've been sleepwalking. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN'T DO. I am getting healthier every day. Stronger, better, faster as daft punk say. I am living again. And that doesn't have anything to do with a man. This time it's all me.

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Date:2004-07-07 23:03
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: naughty
Music:bowery electric

I did it. I called him while we were im'ing. It was a little awkward at first, but then it got easy. His voice is deep, assured. His laugh is great. We talked for about 35 minutes or so and went right back to im'ing. I have talked to him for hours, about so much. There is nothing taboo, nothing off limits. I want to make him laugh, smile, cry.

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Date:2004-07-07 18:59
Subject:i actually have butterflies.
Security:Public
Mood: jubilant
Music:the wrens-meadowlands

I am having the hardest time calling him. I don't even know why. He's like the most easygoing, mellow, gentle guy I've ever known. I just called him and left a totally geeky message. My stomach is turning like I ate a carton of ice cream or something. I can't remember the last time that I felt like this. I just feel sort of inadequate. It's so silly really, I mean he's just a person, like me. But not even like me because he is humble and self-deprecating. Today was a good day. It wasn't quite extraordinary, but close maybe. If it were my last day on earth I would have been so proud that I spent the day in a family way, really having fun. And that I called Bryan, even though I was being totally immature about the whole thing. And I reached out, to my friends in class, and smiled and tried to be genuinely good. Maybe today is extraordinary.

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Date:2004-07-06 20:11
Subject:Sometimes it just feels right.
Security:Public
Mood: optimistic
Music:creeper lagoon

One thing that i've learned in the last few weeks is that things can change on a dime. I know i don't have a boyfriend, I haven't met anyone here, but I met someone really amazing who gives me hope. He reminds me that there are great men everywhere, kind, lovable generous beings spread all across the globe. I found that feeling that i haven't felt in a while, the butterflys in the pit of your stomach, the tightness in your chest, the indescribable grin that you feel welling up inside. It doesn't matter what happens between us, whether we become friends from afar, or actually meet up. I'm not afraid to be myself, not even a little bit. I've told him all about my current situation, and he's ok with it. He's got a closetful of his own demons. He makes me want to be a better woman. Now I know what Justin meant by that. I found some old pix of him. He was a good man. I'm happy that he is well. He deserves to be successful and happy.
We create our own reality. We can change our world with words. I'm not going to utter anymore negative words, phrases, ideas if I can help it. I'm changing my cells, my physical makeup, but the things I do. I am going to manifest what I need. I'm going to manifest what others need too.
I love my body. I'm grateful for everything I have, every pain, every triumph.

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Date:2004-07-04 11:14
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: sad
Music:airplanes

I'm so tired of this nonsense. It's as if I'm talking and writing to these guys for relationship purposes, when in reality I don't even want a relationship here, physically, so why do i want one emotionally? I'm just another one of those lonely souls, I suppose, who is reaching out. I don't feel so lonely, I don't feel needy, but I'm sure acting like it. I've got to get myself together here, stay away for a while. I lived my life perfectly happy, happier in fact, before I had this constant access.

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Date:2004-06-29 20:32
Subject:seems like yesterday..
Security:Public
Mood: ditzy
Music:some band from australia-good stuff tho

i'm starting to feel like i'm getting a life again. It's my 2nd week of admin.asst in the mentor office. Tomorrow I get to meet my manatee, Hilda. I'm just feeling motivated to do things, regardless of what stage I'm at. I'm going to start a computer class at the cvas. It's cheap and will get back in the mindset for fall. I am ready to make some necklaces, and shoot some guns. It seems strange that someone who wants to be more peaceful and share the love would want to shoot guns around. But screw it. I want to so I will. This niacin is making me feel all funky and hot and high. I like it. I've lost my desire to do party favors. I suppose it's a good thing, because it's all so lame and sordid. I want to do some things the right way. No more major screw ups. Just little ones, from here on out. I'm meeting with my perspective tutor Henry, we'll see how that goes. Phonics continue to scare the fuck out me. Worse than monsters, they are.

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Date:2004-06-23 21:09
Subject:she thought she could dance
Security:Public
Mood: moody
Music:the new year

i appear to be made of spun sugar. I'm in a remarkably fragile state. I'm feeling everything so deeply, all the words, actions and feelings that people send my way. My ego is totally out of whack and in control of my life. I've been bummed for several days because Bruce and Greg blew me off. I actually spent time thinking about what I had done or said, or was it even more superficial, the way i looked??? For fucks sake, I am one vulnerable mother fucker. I'm entertaining revenge fantasies at almost every level. I want to get famous, not for any good reason, not because I want to discover some hidden talent that I have, no, so that I can make the people that hurt my feelings sorry they did it. I'm also overwhelmed with the challenges that are presented with this whole medi-cal thing. It seems like so much work, i call a doctor and they don't take it, or they need current workups or something just isn't going to fly. I can look back on my old days at work and romanticize the fuck out of them:full insurance, lots of social activity, money. but was I ever really happy? what can I do to better realize my potential? I signed up for a computer class. I am working at least one day a week at the mentor offices. I've got an appointment to meet a new learner, I've made a call into hilda's social worker. I really have been making much greater efforts but they are overshadowed by my ridiculous notions about love and popularity. Plenty of people live their lives completely fulfilled without ever having stepped foot in my space....

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Date:2004-06-22 10:33
Subject:just when you thought that things were going well...
Security:Public
Mood: sad
Music:van morrison-astral weeks

maybe it's always there beneath the surface and you don't even realize it. I didn't mean to push her buttons, I didn't see what a mistake I was making. I've not seen my mom so upset in I don't know how long. She just lost it, said she was sick of being in the middle, everyone always harassing her, just leave her alone. I felt like shit for making her cry but at the same time I want out of here so bad I can't see straight. I don't know what things were like before I came here but they must have been a lot better. No fighting, everyone doing what they were supposed to do. I just fuck everything up that I touch. My life has not gone in the direction that I hoped for. That is a fucking understatement. How did I end up here? One minute you're married, working, living independently, happily, (or so you think) then the bubble bursts and you're back in your home town, living with your parents, falling into a trap, losing your identity if you even had one in the first place...And all you do is watch t.v. and watch life pass you by. And you're too fucking young to give up but somehow it's like you've given up anyway..and you don't want to admit it but maybe you're lonely and everyone you know is in love and you're having a hard fucking time even loving yourself. And therein lies the problem right?

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Date:2004-06-21 21:01
Subject:how does one get so lost????
Security:Public
Mood: determined
Music:mozart-haskell

The worst thing that I could do right now would be to mourn the time that I've lost. So I will not. I will treat today as if it were the most important day of my life. Did I do all that I could???? I've got to keep asking myself this. I spent the last few weeks obssessing over things that mean nothing, my weight, finding a boyfriend, some twisted sense of popularity, as if it's even minutely important.
Where is my attachment to nature, the mind and the heart? I pray for guidance. I will pray for strength to get myself back on track. Spiritual track if you will..
Michele sent me the most amazing letter, card and prayer meditation. this is another sign that I must go the right direction. No more wasting time.

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Date:2004-06-13 12:45
Subject:the insane wishy washy girl
Security:Public
Mood: amused

Ok, so this week i've decided to try the fat flush plan. I like the idea of cleaning out my system and losing a few pounds. I'm getting over myself, remembering to be grateful and meditate. i'm staying at june and karen's. Will be a nice respite from the family house. I will be really good though, no silly drunken episodes please. I want to be a good lady. Hope I can find a volunteer gig that works out. I really need to do something with myself. Too much time is detrimental.

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Date:2004-06-11 10:41
Subject:I am fucking psycho
Security:Public

REREADING MY POSTS I'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I AM TOTALLY FUCKING PSYCHO.

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Date:2004-06-11 10:31
Subject:i can see clearly now the rain is gone..
Security:Public
Mood: frustrated

Started feeling a bit better yesterday. Took a couple hours to go to the beach, breathe the air, feel the sun and just think about things. I've been rather ungrateful, spoiled, unreasonable about being here. I can't change how things are here. I am the youngest, i have a health condition and i've come back to live with my parents. All these things would naturally mean that i'd be looked at as a child and treated as such. when i get my car at least I will be mobile, and I won't feel at the mercy of my poor parents to borrow their car. As far as my other issues go, as soon as I start comparing myself to other people I get depressed. I think about what I used to be like, what I used to do and it makes me sad. I had to leave Seattle for a reason, I just can't see it now. Things seem so cloudy still, even though I should be experiencing some clarity by now.

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Date:2004-06-09 12:03
Subject:you didn't feel any sparks with me???????
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

Now i've heard it all. I officially give up. I met this guy for coffee, thought I'd made a new friend and he thought I was in it for romance. With him? Give me a fucking break. He was fat, ugly, smelly and an addict. Oh right, great catch. Is the desperation coming of me in waves or what? I didn't even think I was desperate. But if this nasty man thinks i am after him I had better be careful..i gag just thinking about it. I didn't feel like i've been looking but i guess i have. I'm so fucking over it now. I don't care who they are or what they do I'm letting go of any ideas i have of getting a boyfriend or having a relationship. Everyone i know has a boyfriend, Shira, Madelaine, now if Sylvia gets one i will officially be the last living old maid. I was pretty happy before I started thinking about this shit. And what's with being in a chat room> someone wants to meet you and you refuse because you don't fit the image they have in their mind? I'm sick of it being all about sex and not about connections, friendship, companionship, real emotion..i might be lonely, i know i'm disgusted with myself but get over it..

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Date:2004-06-07 15:55
Subject:i can't shake these blues!
Security:Public
Mood: depressed
Music:jobim

I was feeling so good. I felt really positive, very intuned to my personal energy. My outlook was positively fucking rosy. Then saturday night i got really drunk at June's birthday party. I ended up spending the night at Summer and Delana's. I shared Summer's room with David. He was a really nice, incredibly good looking man. We slept in the same bed and sort of cuddled. Man i despise that word more than almost any other word in the english language. Next morning he gave me a ride to my car and was on his way. For some reason I was really bummed that he didn't ask me for my number. I didn't even have a chance to have a normal conversation with him about anything other than mindless drunken psycho babble. Even so, I was surprised that he didn't want to hang out with me. I'm already forgetting what I learned from my sessions with Sue. Don't play house, don't expect drunken episodes to in any way reflect reality. I have a very unrealistic view of how things are supposed to work.

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Date:2004-06-03 16:34
Subject:it's here right now
Security:Public
Mood: optimistic
Music:Mozart

i'm on track again. everything has fallen into place. i've got the workout set up, chair yoga, tai chi, water exercise and weights. I am well on my way to reaching my goal. my mindset is correct. I have a losing weight partner for the time being, (megan) and she's got a big goal too. More importantly, I am determined to send my arthritis into remission. I haven't been understanding my energy, praising my body for what it can do, letting the energy, love and healing from the universe into my life. Now I know. The stinking thinking that plagued me in the past is now something i recognize and accept.

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Date:2004-06-02 18:43
Subject:oh my gawd becky, look at her butt!
Security:Public

it's so true. it's all about our perception. what is our reality? we can't possibly hope to know what another person is really thinking or feeling because they do not share our reality.

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