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Blurty for angelscribe.
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| Sunday, June 6th, 2004 |
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Sometimes things happen that really make you see how there really is always someone worse off than you. A kid from the village closest to where I live died a couple of days ago - he hanged himself and his dad found him in a barn on the family farm. He was twelve years old. I taught his little sister for a couple of years - nice kids. Apparently he was being bullied. It's just so terrible that things could get so bad for a kid that age and he felt he had no other choice - it really makes me feel sick to think about it. I was gonna update on other stuff to, but I just don't really feel like it right now. It all seems kinda trivial. |
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| Friday, May 28th, 2004 |
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Been driving for my dad most of this week - talk about an eye-opener! I'm a lot more confident about my own driving now, but God, there are some idiots on the roads. I don't think we'll ever have such a lucky escape as the one we had on Tuesday. This lorry comes ripping round the corner on the wrong side of the road, at about twice the speed it should have been doing - I knew I had no chance breaking so I just had to aim for the gap and try squeezing past. My dad still can't figure out how the front of my car is still there! I was shaking for about half an hour afterwards! Still, I'm having a pretty good time, meeting all the guys my dad knows through work - some really good laughs there! Hopefully I won't be in the shop much next week so I can drive him again - I could do with the money from the shop, but for a couple of weeks anyway, I'd rather enjoy myself - I'm telling myself I deserve a break after getting through my finals! :) |
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| Friday, May 21st, 2004 |
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I don't really know how to describe it - uni's over. This week has been so incredibly stressful and I was certain I wasn't going to make the deadline for my essays, but I did. I didn't get a decent night's sleep all week - I was up til the early hours of each morning and when I did give in and go to bed, I couldn't stop worrying about it. But I handed my essays in on Thursday morning and it was a massive relief ... for about half an hour and now I'm stressing about the results. I'm really not confident about the essays - I know most people say that about essays and exams and stuff, but I really don't think I've done well enough because I stopped caring about doing well and just wanted to get them done and I think it really shows. Still, too late now so there's not much point in worrying. My brother's off school on revision leave for his GCSEs so he came with me to the city to get them handed in and then we went shopping - pretty uneventful, though I did get the Maggie Furey books I've been wanting but haven't had time for 'til now! :) Then we met up with Natts for coffee, went for lunch and came home again. The excitement of getting finished kept me going until then, but on the train on the way home it all really started to kick in and my head was aching from the stress and the not sleeping. Couldn't sleep last night even though I was so tired, but when I finally got to sleep that was it and I didn't wake up til after 1pm today! I still feel all out of sync though and just knackered. Work tomorrow too - joy ... :/ But next week could be fun, provided my boss doesn't ask me to work and I'm hoping he won't - okay, so I could really do with the money, but it'll be my first week with no uni so I'd like to enjoy it. My dad's had to go to the doc's and he's found out he's got a frozen shoulder (really not fun 'cos he's in agony) - his job relies on him driving 'cos he's a sales rep, but he's not allowed to drive so some of the guys he works with are having to take it in turns to drive him about, but next week he reckons I could do it! It'll be great for getting more confidence behind the wheel and I'll get to go in to his calls with him and most of the guys are really cool - it'll be hysterical, so I'm looking forward to that. Gotta go try to get more sleep, even though I got up at 1 and went back to bed at four for three hours, lol! |
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| Thursday, May 13th, 2004 |
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| Well, that's it -last class over with and my presentation went okay, so at least that's something. Shame my essays are going so badly! Met up with Natts and Jason for coffee and then caught the train home - it was totally packed and I had to stand the whole way, clutching my really heavy bag, file and a stack of textbooks from the library, so of course that put me in a real good mood, not! I'd meant to get a lot of my extra reading done on the way home, plus I hadn't eaten since 7am and it was after 4pm by the time I got a train so I wanted to grab some crisps or something to keep me alive, but no chance 'cos I had to concentrate on not getting thrown off my feet as there wasn't even anything to hold on to where I was standing! And then the traffic was really bad on the way home so it took me more than twice the time it should have! Bah, if it wasn't for these bloody essays, I'd crawl into bed and stay there! | ||||
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| Friday, May 7th, 2004 |
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| Argh, I could kill my tutor right now - he still hasn't gotten back to me about my essay question (which he's supposed to help us make up) so I can't even start and the essay is due in in less than two weeks! I've got two others to do as well and I really don't think I'm going to get them done in time - I can't wait to get this all over with! Everything always seems to happen at once and I've got so much on at the minute when I wish everything would just come to a standstill for a couple of weeks. And I could cry at the thought of having to work in that bloody shop tomorrow - I'm gonna stop now though or this is going to turn into a major whinging session. | ||
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| Friday, April 30th, 2004 |
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I'm seriously stressed over uni at the minute - I'm going to manage to get through my final year with no exams, but all my assessment is essay based and all three essays are due in on the 20th May and I have a presentation to give in front of one of my classes in less than two weeks time! Argh! I always leave stuff tot he last minute so God only knows what state I'll be in this time round - I've tried to get down to it, but it's so hard to get started. It's not just the getting motivation, it's knowing what to write too - I'm rubbish at starting essays! And I have so much research to do 'cos they're all on different topics so that's three totally unrelated assignments ... One's on Dickens and we get to make up our own question - not as easy at it sounded at first - and the other two, we have to pick from a list, but one is for my Autobiographical Writing of the Romantic Period and one if for my Fairy Tales in Nineteenth Century Culture - just the thought of it is enought to make me cry! Had to get up at six this morning to go to the city with my dad so I could get a shit load of books from the uni library and I meant to stay up late tonight doing work, but I'm so tired already and I have to work tomorrow so I think I'll just go to bed - no doubt I'll regret it when I'm struggling to meet deadlines and thinking of all the time I wasted with stuff like sleeping, eating and breathing, lol! I can't wait until the start of July 'cos that's when I - fingers crossed! - graduate and it'll all be over!!!!! |
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| Sunday, April 25th, 2004 |
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| It's such a beautiful day here today - I hope this lasts for a while, I could do with some sun! It's about 18 degrees and for here that's practically tropical, especially in April! Back to classes tomorrow though, but at least I don't have to go early - just got the one class from 3 til 5, but I'll have to get the train at 1 so I have time to go buy the book I need first. I just don't have much enthusiasm for uni these days - I can't wait for it to be over. Sometimes I love the classes and they are really interesting, but I enjoy them for the sake of it, not to have to turn round and do an essay on the topic or whatever. I don't think I'm a very good academic ... | ||
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| Wednesday, April 21st, 2004 |
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Went to the city today - as I suspected, I couldn't be bothered getting the early train, but I got the one at 11am and got up there before 12 since it was only delayed by a couple of minutes, for a change. Nipped into a couple of shops, including my absolute favourite bookshop, but I didn't buy anything. Well, I nipped into the chemist at the last minute and got some hair dye 'cos my highlights are fading/growing out at the minute and it looks pretty bad right now - I'm trying to let them go completely before I get them re-done, to stop the colour building up too much. I got the only colour that was wash-in, wash-out and was darker than my natural colour - blue/black! I didn't want to go goth or anything so it's only a tint, but I needn't have worried - it doesn't show up at all, not even a tiny bit! Bah! Anyways, I met my mate, Natania, and we went for coffee and had a big chat which really did me the world of good - she's mad, but in a really good way, lol - always cracks me up! And we got the train home together - we live about half an hour's journey apart, but along the same train route. We were talking about what to do after graduation and decided not to worry about jobs or any of that and focus on how we were going to celebrate just getting it all over with - the two of us and another mate, Emma, are gonna head down to Dublin for a weekend; go for a bit of a night out, go to the Abbey Theatre, the Writers' Museum, Connelly Street, all the touristy stuff - it's gonna be such a laugh. And then, funds permitting, we're gonna go to London during the summer for a similar sort of thing. At least that's something to look forward to instead of all the stress of jobs. :) |
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004 |
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| I really despair - I keep saying I'm going to do this, that, whatever and I just can't get motivated. It's like sometimes -most of the time - I can't even be bothered leaving the house. It's like it's not worth the bother. It's not sheer laziness - I'll quite happily sit up late or get up early and write or read or do stuff round the house, maybe even go for a drive. It's just ... people, I guess, that I can't be bothered with. I really need to get my act together. I dunno what it is lately - I never used to be like this. Up until recently, I loved going out, loved crowds of people and all the hustle and bustle - but now ... I have to go to the city tomorrow and I'm meeting a mate from uni - I am looking forward to catching up with her, but I know come morning, getting to that train is going to take real effort. I'm fine once I actually get going, but it's finding that motivation that is just so hard right now. I felt like this maybe a month ago and then I completely changed for the better - I don't know what caused it, but even some friends from the youth club I'm a leader at commented on it. They were all asking why I was in such a good mood and reckoned I was coming across as so much more confident - now I've changed back again. I'm really gonna have to try getting my act together - again. | ||||
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| Sunday, April 18th, 2004 |
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| Argh, I really overslept today and now I feel all crappy and I know I'm gonna end up with a headache - my head already feels ... I dunno, heavy and foggy or something ... When will I learn? For some strange reason, I always seem to give myself a headache on a Sunday so I should have had an early night last night and got up at a reasonable hour, but oh no, I sat up late reading the entire script of Gothika in one go and then slept in this morning! And since I have to work tomorrow (I'm not even going to comment on that 'cos it'll only turn into a rant!), I really wanted to make the most of today and do some writing - it's so annoying, now that I've actually got the inspiration and the motivation, my head's not clear enough. Think I'll struggle on anyways and see what happens - anything to kill the boredom right now! | ||||
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| Thursday, April 15th, 2004 |
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| Work tomorrow - yay (not!) I at least hope it's busy, at least time goes quicker that way - I spend the whole day watching the clock, wishing it would move a bit faster, and I can't wait to leave before I ever set foot inside the door! And I'll have to work on Saturday too - two freakin' days in a row! My mum laughs at me for being such a drama queen about it and jokes about when I have to join the real world and work a full week, but I wouldn't mind if it was something I liked - I worked a full week when I was with the mobile phone company and I loved it. I wish quitting could be straight forward, but since I got this job as a favour to my dad, it's not that simple - I'd love to be an anonymous emploee for some big retail chain - I hate my boss knowing (or thinking he knows) everything about me - he's so fucking nosey it drives me mad! I could rant all day about this, but I think I'll go watch Eastenders and try to calm down instead! | ||||
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| Wednesday, April 14th, 2004 |
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| Ha! I was convinced I had to go back to uni on Monday, but I've just found out I've got another week off - woohoo! :D | ||||
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| Tuesday, April 13th, 2004 |
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It's been a long time and I know I said this before and it's taken me until now, but I'm gonna use this as my online diary for now anyway and I'll try my best to stick to updating it - sometimes I feel like I've just got nothing interesting to say, but I'll probably ramble on anyway, lol! Anyways, it's pretty late here, but I might as well do a bit of a catch up post since I spent most of today in bed with a migraine and now my head's better but I'm not tired. It's been so long since I posted here, I don't really know where to start - not that anything majorly exciting has been happening ... On the uni front - I'm seriously scared actually - after the Easter break I have three weeks of classes and then 3 essays due in before the end of March and that's it - uni OVER! I'm stresssing about my grades, what I'm going to do when it's over, everything! I'm thinking of applying for a post-graduate course in Journalism, but I don't know if I'll be able to handle it or if I'll even get in - it all seems to depend on experience and it's practically impossible to get when you're just starting out! But I do start training after Easter with a local hospital radio station so I'm hoping that'll help a bit. One of the best courses I've looked at is in England though so that's a whole different issue - I dunno how I'd cope with not seeing my family every week like when I lived away from home for the last two years - being in a different country would be a lot harder than being in a different city! As far as work's concerned, I'm still stuck in the same job even though it drives me crazy - it does have some good points (the money, some of the people), but other than that, it's not great and I can't stand my boss at times! The boyfriend issue's still a tricky one - I really can't figure out where I stand there and it's too complicated to even get into at this time of night, lol! But, pathetic as I probably am for not just telling him to go jump, I'm at least making a conscious effort not to worry too much about it - whatever happens, happens. I think I have changed relatively recently and I don't know if it's entirely for good - I think I'm starting to be a lot more cynical, but I'm also trying to be more confident and to stop caring what other people think about me. I've always been way too self-conscious and I've given myself a proverbial kick up the backside! It's been happening gradually cos of a few things that have happened, but I think at 21, I've actually started to grow up. (eek! lol) It probably sounds a bit daft, but I got my first car at New Years and suddenly I've had to be more responsible, like when my brother got sick at school I was the one he called and I had to go get him and take him to the doctors - I actually felt like people were starting to see me as an adult for a change! It's just been silly little things like that. And most recently (not even a week ago), something happened which scared the shit outta me - my dad told me I'd have to go with him to get my mum from work cos she wasn't well. The idea was we'd go in my car so that he could pick up her car and take her to the doctors if necessary or just bring her home and I'd have my car to get back too. Only problem was, when we got to where she works it was a lot worse than anyone had told us - the girl who had rang our house didn't want us worrying and having an accident trying to get there or anything like that. My mum had practically collapsed, she could barely talk, she was shaking, she was in agony with a really bad headache and she was having panic attacks and an ambulance had already been called. I can't really remember much about being in her office - I was kinda dazed by the whole thing, but I had to abandon my car in the carpark and go in the ambulance while my dad drove along behind. The whole time, all I could think was that my mum has had to do this for her parents and now there I was in the same position - at one time or another, she's had to be so strong for everyone else and now she was the one who was ill. In that respect, I wish I was a lot more like her. Thank God she's fine now - the doctors weren't 100 percent but they're reasonably sure it was a reaction to some medication she had been on at the time, but it was horrible at the time. (On a lighter note, we discovered I went to school with her doctor - the then captain of the rugby team - I was like woah, you used to PUT people in hospital and now you're a DOCTOR!? Really great guy though - my mum thought he was lovely, lol) That's kinda the run-down on the time I missed updating on - how boring is my life?! Although I could do without the excitement involving hospitals, thanks! I did recently go on a little "holiday" - got roped into going as a leader with my old primary school and had a surprisingly fantastic time! The kids really were brilliant - no angels, but there was no real badness in any of them and even when they were causing trouble, they were so likable. There was another school staying at the camp while we were there and they were absolutely awful - it makes me sound like such a oldie but I couldn't believe how they treated their leaders - they didn't appreciate anything that was done for them, which was all voluntary, and they were determined to make everyone round them miserable and cause trouble to the point that they were banned from doing some of the activities because it was just too dangerous! (Like climbing a 40/50 foot wall with no safety harness!) The kids I was with were so cool and instead of causing trouble, they were quite happy to hang out with me and the other guy my age who went too - I guess they liked having us there cos they could get away with more than with their proper teachers (who also loved having us there cos it gave them a break!) The two of us volunteered to take them swimming one night when there was nothing else to do and I was really pleasantly surprised when they all came and gave us a hug to say thanks! Made me reconsider teaching as a career, but knowing my luck, I'd get a class of monsters! Whew, when I decide to ramble, I really ramble! It's even later here now and I'm still not that sleepy - I hate not being able to sleep, but I suppose it is kinda my own fault. Anyway, I'll at least stop typing and try to doze off - maybe I'll do something constructive and read over my notes from uni - that'll have me asleep in no time, lol! Which reminds me, I'm also trying to be more ... together, I think is the word for it - gonna get my notes organised, start working on essays, getting up earlier in the mornings (I hate the sound of that one!), and I'm going to take up swimming again - got into that while on that trip (in spite of getting thrown into the freezing cold lake by the kids!). So, I could start today cos I wasn't well (I swear that's not an excuse!) so tomorrow - up bright and early ... that's the plan anyway - we'll see ... |
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| Tuesday, December 16th, 2003 |
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| Wow, it has been soooooo long since I updated this, but I am going to start again. It'll have to be short and sweet for the next week or so 'cos I am just flat out - I've got too much on at the min. and I feel like a zombie! I'm running on nothing but adrenaline and sheer will-power at the min.! When this madness is over (which should be this weekend - thank God!) I'm gonna do a big update to fill in the time I missed when I wasn't updating. Not that anything monumental happened so nothing to get too excited over, lol! Must go ... need sleep ... | ||||||
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| Sunday, July 27th, 2003 |
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| God, I haven't updated this in sooo long! I've been away on holidays though so I've got an excuse ... I am lazy too though, lol! :-) Anyways I had a good time; just soaked up some sun, hung out by the pool and had a pretty relaxing time - the only bad thing about it was the timing. While I was away, my boyfriend found out he had to go work overseas for a week - and he left the day I was due to come home so we ended up not seeing each other for three weeks! He was so mad that he couldn't get out of it or that he couldn't at least go while I was away which would have been ok. To make things worse, we saw each other for the first time in three weeks last night and he had to tell me that he's working away for another week ... and he leaves tomorrow morning! :-( I'm really gonna miss him - we haven't been going out for long, but we saw so much of each other before I went on holidays and now we have to make do with once in FOUR weeks! Jeez, I really don't want to start babbling like a twelve year old, but I really like this guy - I haven't exactly had a lot of boyfriends, but he's easily the sweetest guy I've been out with. We just went for a drive last night ... talked for ages ... lost track of time, lol - thought my mum was gonna have a fit when I didn't get in till nearly 1 am after telling her I was just "popping out", lol! Still, it was a nice night! :-) | ||||||
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| Saturday, June 28th, 2003 |
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I thought it was gonna be one of those days - everything I touched seemed to go wrong. You know you're in for a rough day when the simplest things start to get complicated and my day started with me sleeping in when I should have been getting ready for work and then, when I did manage to get up, I ended up breaking the toaster trying to make breakfast! After not sleeping last night and having to get up at three this morning to find painkillers for my stomach, needless to say I wasn't in the best of moods - and that was before I ever reached work. Once I actually got there, I was faced with the usual awkward customers and random minor injuries I always seem to pick up at work (I swear, a klutz like me should be given hazard pay in that place! XD) Then we had the unexpected and completely unwanted technical difficulties which, combined with impatient customers, just made me want to scream! That or crawl under a table and hide for the rest of the day! I'm not usually quite so easily irritated (honest, lol!), but I think last night took a lot more out of me than I thought - I was in serious pain and got soooo little sleep! But anyway, whatever the reason, I just felt like crap by the time I got out of work. But things did start to improve :) Managed to grab a hot shower as soon as I got home and it really helped - by the time I'd finished my dinner, I actually felt like a normal human being, lol! I was just about to resign myself to a night in front of the tv, watching really bad programmes, when my boyfriend turned up to surprise me for no reason with a rented movie and plenty of sweets! (Major brownie points scored there, heheh!) I think I must have lit up like a Christmas tree, lol XD So my day went from crap to pretty damn good and I spent most of the evening curled up on the couch, getting sympathy for having a rough day - kinda made it almost worth it! So I can end the day with a smile after all ... :) |
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2003 |
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Jeez, I'm getting very bad at updating this! *repeats "I WILL try harder! I WILL try harder!* :p Soooo... got my results... *sigh* Passed everything, but they still weren't great so I need to get some major focus next year. I've also realised how soon I need to decide what I'm gonna do after graduation (assuming I manage that!) The bad thing about a degree in Literature is that it doesn't qualify me for anything specific - it's not like if you study medicine and you become a doctor - you know more or less where you stand with something like that. Okay, so you have to choose what area you want to specialise in, but at least you've got a definite starting point ... I've toyed with a few ideas in the past - interpreter, translator and teacher being some of the more sensible ones. Then I thought about how much I love to read and write and considered author - from that I moved to the slightly more realistic option of journalist and I've kinda stuck to that. I figured that way I get to write, travel and all that stuff and if I get the chance I can try to make it as an author as a sideline of sorts because that takes a certain amount of luck as well as a talent which needs time to mature and develop. So, I thought I was sorted - post-grad course in Journalism... But of course, me being me, I've thought of something else and now I don't know what to do! I've been going out with this guy for only a couple weeks and didn't really know him much before that, yet he manages to point out something I've ignored all along! And he's right - it's irritating as hell, lol! We were talking about what we wanted to do in life - how deep and meaningful, lol ^_^ - and he knows about the writing, but he also knows about all the youth work I do (I'm a leader in a couple of kids clubs locally & have been for a few years now). His exact words: "Why the hell are you trying to make a career out of a hobby, when you'd be wasted if you didn't work with kids? You know you love it, everyone else can see you love it and you must be good at it or they wouldn't want you to do it!" My reaction: *stunned into silence* (Bear in mind this conversation took place on top of a hill, in the middle of nowhere and you'll get an idea of how surreal it was, lol!) I was kinda thinking of teaching again, even though I've strenuously denied wanting to do that for years but I mentioned it all to my mum and she totally agreed with him and suggested social work or something along those lines. My reaction: Holy crap! At first I thought this might just be another possibility, not something serious - God knows I've changed my mind enough in the past! But I think this has always been in the back of my mind and it just took someone else to make me see it as a real option... But now I've got all these options that I haven't considered before and if I want to get into a course after next year, I need to be applying in like October at the latest! I know it's only June now, but that really only gives me 3 months to make a decision which could change the rest of my life! Yes, I realise I'm a bit of a drama queen and that people change careers all the time these days, but I really don't want to be having to go back to uni when I'm 30 or something - I like the idea of having a definite career. Changes within that are fine, but I don't want to be trying to go from social worker to journalist or anything like that! Strange how once I really get going I always manage to end up babbling, but hey - at least I'm consistent! XD I still dunno what I'm going to do though... I think realistically writing could only ever be a hobby for me - but that's fiction, journalism's about fact (although ya gotta wonder at times!) I love working with kids... but would I regret not trying to make writing work...? Or would trying to make it work make me lose the enjoyment I get out of it...? *sigh* Too much thinking for one day! O_o |
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2003 |
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| Haven't had a chance to update this in a while - we've got workmen in our house at the minute and it's chaos! Haven't been doing much anyway - if you don't count playing furniture remover - my arms feel like they've been dipped in concrete from lifting heavy stuff! And archery doesn't exactly help that! Had to work on Saturday when the weather was gorgeous :-( and, although I complain about it, the money is v. handy, but I haven't been offered any extra hours for the summer yet so I'm sorta miffed. I don't mind now because I'm enjoying the break after getting exams outta the way, but in a couple of weeks I'd be glad of a few extras days. Looks like I'm gonna have to start job hunting... | ||||||
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| Sunday, June 1st, 2003 |
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... exams ended on Friday! Woohoo! *skips over the part where she's pretty sure she failed her last module O_o* I've also officially moved out of my shared house near uni, even though I haven't been staying there for 2 or 3 weeks now - handed the keys over to the landlord and said my goodbyes. Don't think I'll miss it too much, although I did have a lot of freedom there to come and go as I pleased, more or less. Saw one of my housemates after my exam and apparently we'll have to meet up during the summer for lunch or something ... hmmm, wonder what the chance of that is? Probably not too high considering how much time we spent together when we shared a house! Ah well, I'm just gonna remember the fun stuff 'cos it's all in the past now and we did have some laughs. On a lighter note, Saturday night was the big night out to celebrate my parents' 25th wedding anniversary - it was a blast! It was just my parents and my brother and me and some really close friends of the family - my dad's best friend who's married to my mum's best friend (and they've all known each other from when they were kids!), their sons (who are practically like big brothers to me) and their wives (who are just really cool people). We had a fantastic meal and just sat for hours talking about when we all used to go on holidays together and laughing over old photos - I love reminiscing! But old photos, they can get kinda embarrassing! XD The guys' wives were delighted to find loads of pics of their husbands as kids that they've never seen before - I smell blackmail opportunities, lol! Now if only I wasn't in most of them too, dammit! :-) Now my exams are over, my motivation to do anything has started to slip - when I was meant to be revising, I'd be writing or even messing about with graphics or drawing (neither of which I do particularly well, sadly) but now that I've got some time ... nothing! Gah, I need to get me some focus! |
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| Tuesday, May 27th, 2003 |
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| Wow, today is my parents' 25th wedding anniversary! 25 yrs - that's a helluva long time! Anyways, they opened their presents this morning - would have had them opened last night if I hadn't scolded, lol, and I think they were pleased with the painting me and my brother got them *sigh of relief*. We couldn't do much today with it being a week day and my brother being in school and them having work, but we managed to go out for lunch with some friends of the family and it was such a laugh hearing them reminiscing about being kids - some really funny stories floating about ... 'course they're the kind of things when ya hear them once, ya hear them a million times, but ah well, it was fun. | ||||||
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Blurty for angelscribe.
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