| 6:21p |
I saw her today at the reception...
First, some humor to lighten the mood.
What's the difference between an attorney and a carp?
One is a scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and the other is a fish.
Ok now my story of this weekend and why I have been in a crappy mood. And then to finish off the story, why I am in a better mood right now.
Last weekend, Jenn had some friends in from out of town, and we all went out to the Peacock, our favorite bar: Jenn's old friends, and us Oregonians too. At one point, Garrett convinced me and a couple others to go next door with him to this wine bar. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, Garrett and I were in this intense conversation. He told me that I was way too insecure (TOTALLY came out of left field) so I ended up telling him that I used to be nearly anorexic, and that I was in a verbally abusive relationship at one point. This led to talk about past relationships, and Garrett asked who I liked. I said no way, I'm not telling you, it's riddled in too much political confusion. He said, come on, I'll tell you who I like. And I said no way, it's probably not someone I know anyway, and he said "OHHH so yours is someone I KNOW??" And I'm a terrible liar, so I didn't even have to say anything, he started guessing, and GCB was his third guess. I made him swear not to tell, and he said he wouldn't and I believe him.
Let me tell you a little about Garrett. Garrett went to my highschool. I knew who he was, we had several classes together, but I never really talked to him and we were never really friends. I didn't even know until I got to OSU and saw him at the Newman Center that he was Catholic. I guess it wasn't something all that important to him in high school, but now he's a big part of the Newman Center and stuff. Great guy, great friend, and we actually discussed that night how we both think each other is great, but have never been attracted to each other. It's GREAT to have a friend like that of the opposite sex, where you can be super open without worrying about complications.
Anyway, I spent the whole last week avoiding Garrett, because the morning after it was the whole thing of "Oh shoot, I told someone some of my deepest darkest secrets on a whim..."
Then there was the wedding this weekend. A couple of OSU newman center people got married, it was a beautiful celebration of two people so in love with God that that love reflects in each other...oh man, this is the kind of couple you are overjoyed to see get married. The problem, was, Melissa's ex boyfriend was going to be there with his new girl, and I knew Melissa would NOT handle that well. Jenn had friends coming in from out of town, so she bailed at the last minute, and then GCB was not going to come. I knew that Melissa would be a head case and very difficult to deal with/console if someone she felt very intimately comfortable with wasn't there...and I kind of didn't want to deal with it...so I sent GCB an email BEGGING him to come, for Melissa's sake, saying that she and I hadn't been close in over a year, and I really thought she needed someone that she felt very comfortable with to be there. I never heard back from him, but I got to the wedding and he was there...and Melissa was clinging onto him...even though her ex never ended up being there...
Then as I was walking over to the reception, Garrett saw me and was all being SUPER nice, even though I was still inwardly cringing about bearing my soul to him the week before...but I think he has a pretty good idea of the social dynamics going on, so he was trying to really include me and be a good friend and stuff...which I really appreciate...but man it was so weird. I was so on edge too every time GCB sat by me or talked to me or anything. I knew Melissa was already on edge from being on the lookout for Javier and I just didn't want to upset the applecart at someone else's wedding. For the record, he paid LOTS more attention to her than he did to me, but anytime he DID so much as glance my way, I was very careful to not do anything on my part that could upset Melissa.
Can you tell that after all we've been through, and the fact that I don't feel that close to her or have a lot of trust with her, that I still really care about her and want her to be ok someday?
And then there was this girl at the reception...her name is Marjon...Justin...remember him? He got all close and cozy with Melissa because before her, he got rejected by Marjon...who he really liked...and...yeah. There were way too many reminders at that wedding of how inadequate of a person I used to feel like, and I've come so far since then, so I ditched.
I have also been really mourning the fact that Jenn is moving back to Kansas forever soon, so it was just kind of a hazy day for me yesterday.
Today though, today I pulled myself out of my funk...went for a 5-mile hike...did a lot of praying...and I came to the peace of knowing that God is always with me and he always makes it ok.
WHEW.
Crazy, crazy times.
Mass tonight. Looking forward to it. |
| 10:40p |
Remember to love
When my cell phone turns on, I have it set to display a message that says "Remember to love!"
I need to love God first of all. I need to serve him. He will show me the best way to love other people.
I have come to some realizations in the last few hours.
Yes, I have strong feelings for GCB.
Yes, I struggle with resentment toward Melissa. I think it will be a long time (if ever) before my trust is fully restored in her.
However:
I have come to realize that I love her a lot. I am very, very protective of her. That is why I hesitate so much when doing anything that has to do with GCB. I relax a little when she's not around, because I don't worry about how my actions will be interpreted. But I really don't do anything with him that I wouldn't do with some girl's boyfriend if she was standing right there.
GCB has just about everything going for him that I am attracted to in men. I think God has chosen me for the marriage track, (although I'm not 100% certain of that yet, that's really always what I've believed I am called to) and maybe he is showing me the caliber of man that is out there. But at this time, things are very chaotic for both GCB and Melissa, and I don't think pursuing him would be beneficial to either of them. If I were to try and recieve attention and affection from him, it would be entirely self-serving.
I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't know what to do with my strong attraction to him, or my feelings of resentment toward Melissa. I don't think I can make either go away. But I am big on insisting that we choose our own actions, and in Jesus I have the freedom to choose to love. That is what I need to do. With the help of the Holy Spirit that is what I want to do.
I ask for your prayers...I need God's help to love like he loves. It's not going to be easy. But it's what will make me fulfilled and happy in the long run.
And if what God wants for my life is for GCB to be a very central part of it, He will make that happen in His own good time. If not, he has a great path planned out for me. I need to trust. Easier said than done, but again, in the long run, that's what will make me happiest. |