| 10:35p |
I couldn't even come up with an appropriate title for this entry. I don't know how it's going to turn out. I need to ramble.
I feel so alive, and it's wonderful, even if all the emotions I'm feeling aren't wonderful, I'm experiencing them, and it makes me feel alive. Was that redundant? Oh well.
Jenn's thesis defense. I didn't know how powerful that was going to be. She shined. She was so amazing. She went so deep with it, and really let her own self shine in it. I can't even describe how proud I feel. I can't even express how honored it makes me feel that among "social supports" she listed me first. I can't even begin to explain how much I started grieving today. It never seemed real that she's going to leave, until today. Of course, we have two more months. It doesn't seem like enough. Jenn and I are never going to live in the same state again. I can't even type that without starting to cry. Other than Katie, she is my best friend right now. I feel almost like I'm going through a death. Don't get me wrong, I knew she wasn't going to be a permanent Oregonian. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more happy for her, she's going into something that's so perfect for her. Don't get me wrong, I know God has a plan for all of us. But now it's just becoming real and it hurts.
And then there's GCB. I just want to tell him. I just want to tell him that we can't hang out just the two of us, because it makes her suspicious. Which wouldn't be a problem, if she didn't have anything to be suspicious about. But I do have feelings for him. I don't think I could act on them, not unless I was very up-front with her about it and then gave her time to process. But I can't pretend it's just innocent being friends, even if that's all it is on his part.
And then there's body image. Everything about it is so conflicted right now. I'm ok with it one minute, then the next I feel disgusted by myself. I remembered the other day, I remembered being 5 and thinking I had fat thighs. I remember being 9 and telling my friends I wished my stomach was as skinny as theirs. I remembered how I used to swim 6000 yards a day, and how I quit after 2000 the other day.
I feel like a scrambled, jumbled mess. So up and down. Not like a roller coaster, more like the paint inside a paint can that's being shaken. I feel all over the place.
Don't get me wrong. I'm ok. I'm always ok. I think I really need to sleep. I want to fall into the arms of Jesus right now more than anything. |