| 9:11p |
home and lent
Take a journey through the imagination with me.
Imagine that when you were very young, almost too young to remember, your parents got divorced. They both stayed in your hometown, and they both provided very loving households for you as you grew up. They each had a little bit of a different atmosphere, but both your parents loved you very much. (Realize that I DO NOT, AT ALL advocate for divorce...this is for analogy purposes only.)
Now imagine that you're 18, graduated from high school, and you head off for college, leaving your two homes behind. Not too far behind though, it's close enough for you to come visit a couple times per term.
After several weeks, you make the trek back one weekend. You go to your dad's house on Friday night to find your old bedroom exactly as you left it. It is still your space, and your dad and stepmom and all your siblings welcome you back into it. It's as if you were never gone. They tell you what they were thinking about doing Friday night and the beginning of the day Saturday, and ask you what you'd like to do.
Saturday night, you go over to mom's house. Mom and stepdad and siblings seem happy to see you, and tell you about all the things they're doing the rest of the weekend and see if you want to join them. You go up to your room to put your stuff down and...they've turned it into a guest bedroom. Mom tells you how excited she is that you're back, and says you can stay in the guest bedroom anytime you like.
Do you see a difference? Both your families were warm and welcoming. But who do you think you'll gravitate toward when you come back to town for the weekend?
That's how I've felt moving back to Corvallis. I've always had two pretty distinct groups of very close friends. One group of friends I met when I lived on campus the first year. They party and are wild and do a lot of things I wouldn't. But they know me, they respect me, they include me. The other group of friends are my church friends. I love them to death. I lived with a few of them for 2 years during my 2 senior years of college, lol. They've been with me through many journeys and encouraged me spiritually.
But now one of these groups is "dad" and one of them is "mom". Some of you may be surprised to know that the church friends are "mom." I can't explain exactly what it is. They've been really friendly and they keep saying how glad they are that I'm back in town. But I feel like my identity isn't part of the group identity anymore. Whereas, with the other friends (the "Dixon Lodge" friends), I feel like an integral part of the group. I don't know if it's this way, but they make me feel as though the whole group isn't together if I'm not there. Which is funny, because I'm just like all my church friends. I'm the odd one out among my Dixon friends. At least on paper.
I don't mean to discount ALL of my church friends. A couple in particular have gone out of their ways to be very welcoming and encouraging (and one of them, especially, I thought wanted nothing to do with me, but she's been amazing). I also don't mean to rip on them; they are where they're at in life. I left town for 4 months. They moved on. That's valid.
Going back to the analogy, I wouldn't ever cut "mom" out of my life. I would just spend more of my time at "dad's" house. I think that's natural, normal, healthy. In the same way, I don't intend to be angry or bitter toward the church friends. I'm just not going to force myself into a group that I'm not really part of anymore. It hurts. It does. I think the best thing I can do is aknowledge that, and try to move on from there. It's going to be ok.
I just have to be very careful that I'm continuing to take steps to nurture my spiritual life.
Part of the title of this post was also "lent". Lent is a journey. Lent is a time of barrenness. I do feel a sense of loss over "mom's house". Maybe that's something I need to offer up for lent. I'm also giving up meat. I had a big, juicy burger tonight, and that's it until Easter. For awhile, I was not a fan of giving up physical things like that; I saw no spiritual value in it. But there is. Because there will be weak moments where I want to say "man, I'd kill for a nice piece of chicken right now." It's a practice in dedication. In staying committed to my commitments even when I REALLY don't want to. It's good discipline.
In addition, I've ordered a few books that I know I will just devour and I think they will help foster some spiritual growth. I will let you know what they are as I'm reading them...that is, if I find them post-worthy (I'd rather not make promises unless I KNOW I'll keep 'em!).
So, basically, if you're the praying kind, pray for me this lent. Pray for wisdom for me, to know how much interaction is good with each group of friends. I will also start to recieve a caseload at my job very soon; pray that I can be Jesus to the families I will serve! I'm so nervous!
And as always, if I can pray for you, please let me know how.
In Christ,
Megan |