a year ago... So I'll address the issue of me having a new, awesome apartment in a minute here, but right now I'd like to address some events that happened a year ago yesterday, and where they stand today.
On January 20th a year ago, I found out two people that I considered VERY good friends, two people who I'd chosen to trust even though I had my suspicions, had done something that really, really hurt me. I don't know that I've ever been quite so hurt by people I trusted so much.
Well, ok, I didn't trust him quite so much. This was not, by a long shot, the first time he'd shattered me. But I trusted her with my life. So when my support system advised me to try to fix things with her and just drop him (my dad literally told me to tell him "my dad says you're not welcome in our home anymore" and I did) it made sense.
She and I talked things over and I felt a whole lot better. (I'm about to give my account of how things went, but keep in mind that she has her own side of the story, and I could have been giving off vibes that I didn't realize were there.) Things were perfectly fine between us for a few months. Then I started to feel like I was being really shut out. She was really clinging to one of our other roommates, and I was kind of hurt that I didn't feel included in her life anymore, especially since I'd worked really hard to forgive her and try and move on as fast as I could. So by my own admission, I started to feel really bitter toward her. I tried to hide it. She'd been through some rough stuff and I didn't want to make her feel worse. When she said she was moving back to her hometown for a few months, I even threw her a surprise going away party. I tried so hard but I'm sure it came across as false.
It all came to a hilt when we realized that we both liked the same guy. I admitted to having feelings for him during a random conversation, and the way she phrased it when she emailed me later that she did, too, I thought she was telling me to back off. So I got really hostile but said fine, I'll back off, I guess that's what a real friend would do. Which was admittedly very mean. She wrote me back saying that's not what she meant, and I did apologize. Sincerely. I don't know if it came off that way...but...I meant it. I felt really bad. I was just so frustrated that she liked him too. I don't mean this in a self-depricating way, I'm not saying I'm ugly, but she's objectively prettier than me (she's a cute, tall blonde with one of those straight-up-and-down figures and light blue eyes), so when we like the same guy, I feel as though I may as well just give up. Especially after what happened a year ago. (
( here ) is a picture of, in order, my best friend, this girl in question, the guy who's not welcome in my parents' house anymore, and myself, a year ago, the night this all went down.)
This did lead to a good conversation where I thought we were going to work out all the tension, and she said that she felt like she'd been walking around on eggshells for months and that I was "punishing" her too much for the "crime" she committed. And she totally has a valid right to feel that way. I was kinda shocked she'd been feeling that way, so I just apologized, then later realized that, according to my recollection of the situation, I only felt like I'd been bitter toward her AFTER she started pushing me out and going exclusively to our other roommate with things and they'd been planning events and stuff without making me a part of the planning and all that stuff. So in effect, in my mind, it became kind of a "chicken or the egg" problem. What came first? Me being bitter or her shutting me out?
I've prayed and prayed about this. I've wanted her back in my life so badly. She was one of my best friends. And sometimes it seems like she really wants to rebuild our friendship. And sometimes I feel like when I'm a part of group activities, she doesn't actually want me there. And then I found out that she's suffering from pretty bad depression, so maybe it doesn't even have to do with me, but I'm still feeling the negative vibes. And nothing ever happened with her and the second guy I mentioned (I made good on my promise to back off...even though he and I lived in the same city for 3 months while she was gone) so I'm wondering if things are still trying to happen, or if maybe...well...I don't know that he'd go for me anyway. And it's probably better for me to just stay away from such a politically charged situation. That is, if I ever want my friend back. And to be honest, I really haven't felt that "spark" around him for quite some time, so I think that's mainly just me being bored and wanting a crush ;).
Anyway, so she's suffering from this depression that's making it hard for her to let new people into her life right now. And it's been a year, and things really haven't progressed. I really miss her in my life, and I just moved back into town, so we're living closer together than 60 miles for the first time in 8 months. Part of me feels like I really need to let this go. The other part of me really wants her back. I really don't know what to do.
Anyone have an opinion on this?