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~Meggy~'s Journal
Interesting gospel reading today:
Jesus said to his disciples:
“To you who hear I say, love your enemies,
do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you,
pray for those who mistreat you.
To the person who strikes you on one cheek,
offer the other one as well,
and from the person who takes your cloak,
do not withhold even your tunic.
Give to everyone who asks of you,
and from the one who takes what is yours do not demand it back.
Do to others as you would have them do to you.
For if you love those who love you,
what credit is that to you?
Even sinners love those who love them.
And if you do good to those who do good to you,
what credit is that to you?
Even sinners do the same.
If you lend money to those from whom you expect repayment,
what credit is that to you?
Even sinners lend to sinners,
and get back the same amount.
But rather, love your enemies and do good to them,
and lend expecting nothing back;
then your reward will be great
and you will be children of the Most High,
for he himself is kind to the ungrateful and the wicked.
Be merciful, just as also your Father is merciful.
“Stop judging and you will not be judged.
Stop condemning and you will not be condemned.
Forgive and you will be forgiven.
Give and gifts will be given to you;
a good measure, packed together, shaken down, and overflowing,
will be poured into your lap.
For the measure with which you measure
will in return be measured out to you.”
Notice it does not say:
If the Taliban, who live in Afghanistan, strike you on the cheek, strike the cheek of their neighbor Iraq.
Please do not accuse me of being a deomcrat. I am neither democrat nor republican.
Please also do not accuse me of not mourning Sept 11. If it happened all over again, I would still wear red, white, and blue on the days to come and mourn the horrible tragedy that happened to our country. I am in no way trying to minimize anyone who felt loss on that day. I did. It was kind of an ending of an ignorant innocence that I happened to enjoy. I really thought we were invincible. It's too bad that so many people had to die for me to grow up.
If you are so inclined, please pray for wisdom and guidance for the U.S. today.
I love my dad's side of the family. He has 6 living siblings, each of them have at least one child, and many of them have children--so there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 55 of us. Every year we have a labor day get-together at what is still fondly known as "Grandpa's Woods." (He bought the property and did fun things with it, and that was his heaven on earth, and now that he is gone, we still use it for our yearly get-together and remember him lovingly.) Since there are so many of us, we get a priest who knows our family well to come up to the woods and celebrate mass with us on Sunday evening. Without fail, some of us stay up late into the night around the campfire, laughing, and having a good time.
There are 5 of us that are not married and in the "young adulthood" stage: Katie, me, my brothers Steven and Danny, and Katie's sister Claire. I knew Kat was going to bring her fiancee this year, but it somehow did not come to my attention that Emily and Aixa (Danny and Steven's girlfriends) were coming until they were there.
Most of the time, this would be ok, and I wish I wasn't quite so vulnerable right now. I did a good job of still having a good time. I enjoyed being around my family. Jeremy (Kat's fiancee) made the comment to one of my aunts "There are only three couples that will be in our marriage prep class, one of them is us, and another is Katie's best friend." I was thrown off for a minute, thinking "Wait a minute, I'm Katie's best friend!" When Aunt Karen asked "Who's that?" Jeremy said "Kathleen Mayer. She just got engaged to James Thurman, he used to be a monk until a few months ago." (He hadn't taken his final vows yet.) Really, his comment about Kathleen being Katie's best friend didn't bother me...I'm not that possessive and Kathleen's really close to Katie too. The thing that got me was the realization that Kathleen gets to go through this stage in Katie's life with her and I don't. And don't get me wrong, I realize how completely petty that is. What's Kathleen supposed to do? Not get engaged because I'm over-sensitive right now? Stop hanging out with Katie until I'm married too? No, I'm not asking that. It just doesn't seem fair somehow.
Really, if I was told to pick between being a wife and a mother or my career, I wouldn't even need a moment's thought. I know exactly what I want more, and it isn't my career. Sure, that's important to me and I'm proud of it, but I have every intention of not working full-time once I start having kids. That will be my priority. Maybe that's not very progressive of me, but really...I don't care about being progressive for the sake of being progressive. I know I'm independent, I know I could make it on my own if I needed to. But when it comes down to it, I don't want to.
Like I said, I did fine most of the campout. I had a lot of fun, actually. Then, this morning I went for a walk. I wanted to walk on the trails that Grandpa cleared, see the ponds that he dug out, and pretend for a minute like he was out there somewhere in the woods, doing whatever he did out there.
And I broke down. I started getting so mad at God, telling him how unfair it was that I felt like I have a clear path to accomplishing whatever I want to in my professional life, but what I want so badly that is so close to my heart is so far out of my grasp.
Then I remembered Father Philip's homily from last night. Where he talked about God having not only a vocation, but a mission for us. And I heard God saying softly, gently, but firmly "maybe I'm not done using you as a single person yet." And then the tears started and I said "What do you want from me??" Not gentle and obedient like in the song that sings "What do you want from me, Lord? Where do you want me to serve you?" more like "What more could you possibly WANT from me??" still obedient, but exasperated.
So I prayed about it some (ps--actual spontaneous prayer that didn't feel labored...it's been a LONG time since I've had that!) and thought about what my mission might be. And then I remembered my "dixon" friends.
The friends I lived with on campus my first year of college.
My friends that have casual sex, premarital sex, do drugs, drink like fishes, and don't have anything to cling to like I do.
I've so hesitated to think of them as my "mission." They are my friends and it's mutual friendship. I'm so afraid that thinking of them as my "mission" puts me above them. But I've said myself for a long time that to lead is to serve.
I really think I was kind of on-target in my last post. I don't need to preach to them. It will do nothing. But I need to put on the zeal of Christ and let it be contagious. It is up to the Holy Spirit to do the work in their hearts but it's time for me to be excited about God. So I have some work to do on myself first. I'm getting there.
But prayers would be appreciated. Especially since I feel very lonely and vulnerable right now. I feel like God is asking me to be strong in a lot of ways and I'm not feeling up to the challenge at the moment.
So I had the unique opportunity to go on vacation with my parents. Not with my whole family, just with mom and dad. Kind of odd for a 24-year-old to do, but really, my parents are pretty cool.
The objective of the trip was to see our Beavs play their first game of the season at Stanford. There was really no doubt in our minds who was going to win, and just as we suspected, the stadium had a pretty strong showing of orange and black. I really couldn't tell you just how it happened, but the Beavs ended up losing to the cardinal. (The color...their mascot isn't even an animal, it's a color...) I mean, there was some good stuff I saw out there. Sammie is back, or getting back, and we have some hot young talent. I was impressed out of my mind watching Lyle Moevao play. He plays with such heart, and he is an amazing leader. He also passed for something like 404 yards, the 9th most ever in one game for Oregon State. He did have a couple INT's, but soooo many completions...I think he is only going to get better. Same for the rest of the team. We clearly weren't in control of this game, but got pretty close to tying it up in the final seconds. The Rodgers brothers, McCants, and some previously-unknown, Morales, show their inexperience but a LOT of talent. The first few games might be "rebuilding games" but I think we'll be pretty strong toward the end of the season, even more so next year.
Still, the loss stung, in a big way. I mean, I was upset. We had an hour's drive back to the hotel after the game, and I mumbled a few words when asking questions. I think it was the next day before I could really speak in full sentences. However, with a day or so to cool off, I have been able to see the positive in the Beaver's play.
I'd like to direct your attention to how much I just spoke about Beaver football. And that was summarizing in a big way. I could have said so much more. However, something's really come upon my heart lately in a big way. I have so much passion for Beaver football, and not a lot for my faith. I realized this on the drive to and from when my parents and I were listening to a book on CD, "My Life on the Rock" by Jeff Cavins (his story of "reverting" back to the Catholic Church). He spoke so candidly and sincerely about his love for the faith and his struggles, and I struggle to even talk about my faith. For me, lately, it's been such an "intellectual" practice for me. I trust the church in everything She teaches. I do a pretty good job of abiding by the rules. But that passion I have for football? I hate to say it but lately it's far outdone the passion I have for God. I'm a "good Catholic girl." Sure, I have the very occasional night of having one too many drinks, or maybe a 4-letter-word slips through my lips. But all in all, I live a pretty pure life. However, I can't help be reminded of 1 Corinthians 13, and I feel like I'm just a clanging symbol. I have no love. I have no passion. I'm going through the motions.
I don't know how to re-ignite that passion. I'm struggling with being devoted to God and excited about his love. I get so turned off by some of the "christian-ese" language, the cliches that often sound very "evangelical protestant" to me. No offense if you are evangelical protestant. I know some people use those words very sincerely, but when they come out of my mouth, or some other people's mouths, they sound so canned, as if the person is just reciting them. Phrases like "staying grounded in the Word," "leading one another to the Lord" "knowing Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior." I believe all that! I know what it all means, but the phrasing...I know it's such a petty thing to be put off by. Maybe it's an excuse?
I want God to be a personal and daily part of my life. But I want to be genuine and approachable. I'm a social worker after all. I'm afraid that if I get caught up in that "christianese," it will turn people OFF to the love that I so much want to spread.
People smile and shake their heads when I rant about the Beavs, unless it's one of the few that join in with me. They smile at my passion for them because it's genuine. I don't try and "convert" people to the Beavs, but one or two have become fans due much in part to my enthusiasm. That's how I want to evangelize. And yes, Catholics do evangelize. They don't much like the word, but it is an important part of our life as a church. I feel like if I exuded that much enthusiasm over my faith, though, it would be a turnoff to people. They'd see it as me trying to change them, whether or not that was the intent. And it would scare them off. And that's the last thing I want to do.
Anyway, if anyone's got this one all figured out, feel free to give me some advice :).
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
I am soooo mad about my job right now. I am so done right now. I am leaving for a weeklong VERY MUCH NEEDED vacay on Monday night, and it can't come fast enough.
seriously, I'm going to throw something. at someone. it's not my coworkers' fault. I just need a break. I also hate not having a roommate. I hate being alone. I hate not having weekend plans, and obviously I am not being positive right now.
I hate the scale. I stepped on it this morning. And I hate it. Hate it hate it. I wish I could blame it on muscle mass but no...haven't been a very diligent excerciser lately, I'm sure that's exactly the problem. Problem is, I've never actually lost weight in a healthy way. I want to but I don't know how.
And I REALLy hate this rain. For goodness' sake it's August and we get 9 months of rain that usually is NOT August.
And I'm mad because I was going to go to adoration tonight and chose something else. It was a social activity with friends that wasn't in itself harmful but (*&(&*%&^. I should have gone to adoration for some long overdue much needed Jesus time.
I want an old plate I don't need or something so I can break it.
My mom's mom has always been "Grammy" to me, and she is a very sweet woman. And a very generous woman. She gave me a big sum of money at the beginning of every school year that I basically lived off of.
But she and I were raised in different eras. And although some of my opinions are rooted in pretty conservative thought, I do have some more progressive ideas, so sometimes when she says things, I keep my mouth shut. Arguing is going to do no good. Especially in a case like this.
Last night, my mom's side of the family came out for dinner. She has a brother and a sister, who are both married but with no children. (Since they are both in their mid-to-late 50's, it's doubtful that children would happen at this point.)
I was talking to Grammy last night about my cousin Katie's wedding and about being the maid of honor. Then Grammy told me about the "cutest" bridesmaids she'd ever seen, a story which I'd heard once before and it completely rubbed me the wrong way. I don't know what era this happened in, and I certainly don't think of Grammy as anti-woman for thinking this was cute, she is almost 86 years old and we are all products of our generations. She is very stubborn and opinionated, and if she was born in 1984 like I was, she'd probably share my thoughts on this.
In this particular wedding, the bridesmaid dresses were pink, with some sort of apron on them. I guess when it was time for the reception, the bridesmaids turned the aprons around and they were more...kitchenish...and they served everyone.
This probably shouldn't bother me so much! This was probably back in the 1950's or early 1960's or something. but UGH!!! I find it incredibly objectifying.
And don't get me wrong. I also have a very firm belief that women and men were created differently and we have a need to embrace that rather than try and deny it. I just feel like, if in this wedding the bridesmaids were going to be servers, the groomsmen should have been, too.
So I went on a surprise home visit to one of my families today (I was going to call first but their phone wasn't working) and the little girl ran out and gave me a big hug. She just recently turned 5, but is extremely well-spoken for such a young child, and very, very intelligent. Her mom told me she scored 100% on all the kindergarten admission tests.)
She wanted to tell me stories and tried to do many things to keep me from leaving (she's also VERY social and loves having people come over.) I asked her to draw me pictures, so she drew on paper until she got tired of that, then she asked if she could draw on the palms of my hands.
Well she is about the cutest thing in the world, so there was no way I could say no. She was sitting there, writing random numbers and letters on the palms of my hands, when she stopped looked up at me, smiled, and said "You are a good caseworker!"
This weekend was the wedding of some good friends of mine. I was excited to go, as I was there to see the relationship unfold and blossom. I'm proud of both bride and groom and extremely happy for them. (The groom has been best friends with my brother for years...we used to hate each other and fight like cats and dogs until about 6 years ago at a retreat when we decided to be friends, and he has called me his "other big sister" ever since then. I've known the bride through church for a very long time, we were on the core team in high school together when I was a senior and she was a sophomore and we worked together on many projects.)
However, it's been a kind of crazy couple of weeks. A lot of the emotional stability I have been feeling for months has crumbled a little, not completely by any means, I'm still quite a stable person. It all started when I suddenly realized that I'm 24, my friends are starting to get married or getting into relationships, and while I know that I'm not the ONLY single one, it feels that way on occasion, and that's something I really want in my life. Ok there are several things I really want in my life. All of them I am making progress toward except THAT one, because I don't really know how.
Here's how I've been feeling. I feel like there was some point when I was younger that I was supposed to pick up on how to attract men. (More importantly, how to attract the kind of men that I want to date.) However, there was a hang-up because I had a really distorted body image and did not, in fact, recognize that I am not "fat" until I was 22 years old. I never thought I was thin enough or pretty enough for a boyfriend. (BTW, I hate how this paragraph sounds already. I DON'T mean to be whiny. There were a LOT of good things that happened as a result of me NOT being in and out of bad relationships, and the body image thing...well, in working through it I ended up gaining a lot of insight that I think others out there don't have. No regrets, this is just how it ended up being.)
So here I am, 24 years old, and never been in a relationship that felt real. (Can you really count high school--especially if you were 15? And then the one in college...on and off for 3 months, and kind of a baaaaaad situation.) And I hate sounding whiny, but I do get insecure sometimes, wondering if it could ever be real for me. Good lord I want to be able to raise a family someday. And to create a situation where I can love freely, no holding back.
Back to the wedding scenario. Beautiful wedding mass. How I love Catholic weddings. The focus is in all the right places, and it truly does involve the community and the church. Then came the reception.
The first little chunk that got chipped away from my sanity came when I was talking to Katie and Kathleen. I have been amazingly un-jealous about Katie being engaged. Amazingly. And it's not some act. I am really, really happy for her and that's about it. Kathleen is this friend of mine who became friends with Katie, and now she is closer to Katie than she is to me. (That's perfectly fine, they clicked better, it's never really bothered me.) Kathleen just got into a relationship, one that I think we've all seen coming for about 6 years now, and I'm super happy for her too. I just happened to pop in for the wrong part of the conversation--in which Katie was saying to Kathleen "The four of us will have to do something sometime!"
Since we were little, Katie and I have talked about doing double dates. It's something that I've always looked forward to. That we could share in similar stages in our lives like that. I guess if you want to get technical, it happened once. I mean, we were so young that Katie's mom drove us. Nearly a decade ago now. It's just something that I want to experience in more of an adult sense. And really, I realize I'm being kind of a baby for getting so jealous that Kathleen was going to get to have a double date with Katie before me. It just also kinda further rubs in...the Kim thing. Katie's fiance Jeremy used to room with this guy Joe before Joe got married. Joe got married to Kim, who was one of my very best friends in high school. So Katie has had a double date with Kim a couple of times too. I so badly want to be a part of that kind of thing too. I want to go on a triple date with Kim and Katie! I just don't see it happening anytime soon and that frustrates me.
I also hate it that I'm so impatient. I know it hasn't happened yet for a reason. And I have so many blessings in my life. I promise, I don't normally focus on all this negative stuff. And it's not that I don't want Katie and Kathleen hanging out together and doing the double date thing, especially not on account of my own sucky feelings. That's not it at all. It's just that Katie's been my best friend...literally my entire life...and it kinda sucks that my other friends can do stuff with her that I cant...but that I badly want to do. Does that make sense at all?
Ugh. And then my old youth minister came up to me at this wedding. My old youth minister...from Mt. Angel...town of 3500 people...maybe. The town where it is out of the ordinary to even go to college, but if more than 3 months goes by after graduating college and you're not at least engaged...then seriously, what's wrong with you? (Is it any wonder I haven't moved back?) We used to be so tight. I was kind of her protege. I would tell her EVERYTHING. At one point, that all kind of fell apart, I kind of lost a lot of respect for her (LONG story...), but she came up to me, and grabbed my left hand to inspect for a ring before she even said anything to me. "No ring on your finger?" she asked after a thorough inspection. "Nope, not yet," I said, trying to smile but probably a grimace was the best I could muster at that point. "Oh, anyone who MIGHT give you a ring anytime soon?" "Nope." "Anyone you have a crush on?" "Not really, the last one didn't pan out, he didn't really like me back." "Oh, well, there are plenty of ex-seminarians here!" (I wanted to say "I'm not going down that road, I've been badly, badly burned by testing out that one before." but I didn't want to sound more negative than I already was, so I kept my mouth shut and just smiled.) Then there was a significant lack of her asking me about anything ELSE going on in my life.
And she wasn't the only one who at least briefly asked me about my love life, or lack thereof. However, nobody really seemed interested in me having a bachelor's degree or a really interesting and exciting job that pays well and is a good start to my career in this field.
So I started to get down. And I'm normally a pretty positive and energetic person. But I had started to break down by that point, and after I get to the beginning of a breakdown, there's no stopping it until I've had a good meltdown bawl-fest. Which is a little hard to do in the middle of a wedding reception.
I lasted there a surprising amount of time. More than 4 hours, actually. Then I even made it home, calmly called my friends Caitlin, Erin, and Ben and arranged to go see a late showing of a movie. I almost got to Erin's apartment (half hour drive) before the meltdown started. By the way, if you're ever doing 70 down the freeway and start sobbing hysterically, people look at you funny. It was my one little piece of entertainment thrown in the mix that actually made me giggle a little through my sobs.
Oh and once a meltdown starts, it doesn't stop til it stops. I went and parked BEHIND Erin's apartment so nobody I knew would see me, and sat there sobbing for probably 20 to 30 minutes. I felt better afterwards, and by the end of the evening with my supremely entertaining friends, it was at least temporarily forgotten.
But it is still bugging me somewhat today. Not in that "I can't even stop dwelling on it, no matter how hard I try and something in my chest actually physically hurts" kind of way. I'm able to push it away and focus on the good stuff most of the time.
Unfortunately, when you choose to have values like not wanting to have sex until you get married, you also choose a much smaller pool of men from which to pick. They do exist. I know they do. I've met plenty. It's just finding one of THEM that I'm attracted to (and I'm not THAT picky past the chastity part...), and I've found them....my problem comes in finding a guy who a) has the same values on purity that I do b) that I'm attracted to and c) is attracted to me, too.
So far, he has not existed in my sphere.
I really hope he's out there.
Meanwhile, I'm also kinda stressed about my job. I don't mean to sound conceited, but aspects of me...I'm definitely cut out for this line of work. The feedback I get from my superiors says that I do a good job in showing compassion and understanding, do a good job of seeing the overall "big picture" of child safety, and I know for my own self that I'm good with boundaries. During work hours, I worry about my kids. I'm supposed to. I mean, not like obsessively worry, but go through my head and think about what they might be needing and put myself in their shoes and think of how much their situations just, frankly, suck. but I do a good job of not taking that home with me. (That doesn't do anybody any good.)
The problem is, I'm not very organized. Paperwork...can be problematic. Sometimes smaller details escape me. Court and all the legal stuff still terrifies me, although I notice that being remedied (VERY SLOWLY) over time. So I take that home with me. I literally, lately have been lying awake in bed having a hard time falling asleep 2-3 nights per week, wondering if I've completed everything I'm supposed to. I worry a lot about getting fired. You almost have to TRY to get fired after your first year, but when you're on trial service, they can fire you for just about anything. I've kind of even seen it happen. I don't know what I would do if I lost my job. It would put such an enormous dent in my career.
And it's so tempting to think..."And then...what would I have?" I would have my friends and family...and I am certainly proud of them...but still...being 24, not married, no boyfriend, bachelor's degree in sociology, and schlepping groceries at Safeway?
So really, what this is, is almost an identity crisis. I know where my identity is SUPPOSED to be, but my prayer life is still incredibly weak. I think I need to start paper journaling again. That's the easiest form of prayer for me, and I know that a stronger prayer life is what I need right now, more than anything.
If you made it ALLLL the way through this whiney entry, I owe you some serious chocolate or something.
I promise, I am still a positive person. I am not usually the type to cry and moan about being single, and I'm actually pretty frustrated with myself for my attitude over the past couple of days. This was a lot of ranting that needed to come out, so now we are back to our regularly scheduled program, the one where Megan is happy and uplifting and positive.
Ready, go.
I'd like to go on record by saying I hate the 4th of July.
Any other holiday I can get through pretty unscathed. I can usually find someone to hang out with, or find spiritual meaning to cling to so that I'm not all worried about (still) being single.
4th of July, everybody seems to bolt. Everybody seems to have somewhere to go, somewhere to be, and I (with the exception of last year) am left bored and alone. I hate being this way. I really do. I'm so normally not like this. But it sucks knowing that most of my friends are out there doing SOMETHING fun with SOMEONE (lately, it seems everyone's pairing off, too) and I'm just kinda sitting around twiddling my thumbs. I long for three-day weekends, and yet right now I'm finding myself wishing I had gone to work today.
I'm so lonely right now, not to mention trying to fight off feelings of rejection. I'm not a hopeless person. I'm a very optimistic person, but I feel like I've taken a really huge hit in the last couple days. But I'm struggling right now, not to mention really annoyed with myself for struggling. I have a good life and I recognize this.
I'm just really frustrated, a little angry with God cuz I don't know what he's trying to do with me, and I hope that's ok.
Current mood:
disappointed.
( I'm sure a lot of you are tired of hearing about him, but... )
When my cell phone turns on, I have it set to display a message that says "Remember to love!"
I need to love God first of all. I need to serve him. He will show me the best way to love other people.
I have come to some realizations in the last few hours.
Yes, I have strong feelings for GCB.
Yes, I struggle with resentment toward Melissa. I think it will be a long time (if ever) before my trust is fully restored in her.
However:
I have come to realize that I love her a lot. I am very, very protective of her. That is why I hesitate so much when doing anything that has to do with GCB. I relax a little when she's not around, because I don't worry about how my actions will be interpreted. But I really don't do anything with him that I wouldn't do with some girl's boyfriend if she was standing right there.
GCB has just about everything going for him that I am attracted to in men. I think God has chosen me for the marriage track, (although I'm not 100% certain of that yet, that's really always what I've believed I am called to) and maybe he is showing me the caliber of man that is out there. But at this time, things are very chaotic for both GCB and Melissa, and I don't think pursuing him would be beneficial to either of them. If I were to try and recieve attention and affection from him, it would be entirely self-serving.
I don't know what to do with my feelings. I don't know what to do with my strong attraction to him, or my feelings of resentment toward Melissa. I don't think I can make either go away. But I am big on insisting that we choose our own actions, and in Jesus I have the freedom to choose to love. That is what I need to do. With the help of the Holy Spirit that is what I want to do.
I ask for your prayers...I need God's help to love like he loves. It's not going to be easy. But it's what will make me fulfilled and happy in the long run.
And if what God wants for my life is for GCB to be a very central part of it, He will make that happen in His own good time. If not, he has a great path planned out for me. I need to trust. Easier said than done, but again, in the long run, that's what will make me happiest.