| Dream On |
[30 Jun 2008|05:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 calm |
] |
Everytime that I look in the mirror,
all these lines on my face gettin clearer.
The past is gone;
It went by like dusk to dawn.
Isn't that the way?
Everybody's got their dues in life to pay.
I know what nobody knows.
Where it comes and where it goes.
I know it's everybodys sin.
You got to lose to know how to win.
Half my life is in books; written pages.
Live and learn from fools and from sages.
You know its true;
All the things come back to you.
Sing with me, sing for the years.
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears.
Sing with me, if it's just for today.
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away...
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[02 Jun 2008|01:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
I keep wondering if I did the right thing...
I love him so much but I'm not sure why...
When I was with him it felt like there was more pain than happiness.
But if that's the case, why do I feel like I did the wrong thing?
Why do I miss him so much?
Why do I want to run back into him arms crying and saying sorry over and over again?
Why does this hurt so much??
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| Torn into pieces. |
[29 May 2008|02:20am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
Have you ever come to a point in your life where you just don't like anything about yourself anymore?
Inside or out?
I don't know what it is or why but recently I just can't find anything about myself that I like. As a result, I've stopped wanting to be myself, and since I can't just trade places with someone else, it's made me not want to live. I don't know what it is...I've just been so emotional lately and I'm never normally like this. I can't stand it.
I just want it to go away...
BTW, today is mine & my boyfriend's one year.
I can't even allow myself to smile over the matter.
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| Is there anybody out there goin' to listen? |
[25 Mar 2008|11:09pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
Have you ever felt like the world keeps spinning but you’re not moving along with it? Like everything else is...except you. Not like a..."the world is revolving around me" kinda thing, but more of a..."the world is revolving without me" kinda thing.
I don’t know what it is. It’s just that the last couple of years have been really, really hard and nothing seems to be getting any easier. And it’s gotten to the point where I’m actually kind of afraid of my future. I mean, I’ve always had a small fear of it...you don’t know what will happen or when. But now it’s more like, when a new day comes around-I just don’t wanna wake up. I don’t want to take it on for fear of it just holding more pain...and I can only take so much. I try in life but, for what? I don’t get anything in return. Does that mean I try too hard? Do I let too much slip by when I should take a stand?
I’m tired of same old same old. I moved to Tampa and started college in hopes that things would change but I still feel like something is missing, which seems stupid to me. I just don’t know what it is. Yeah on the outside I look fine but on the inside all I can think about is ’what’s wrong with me?’
I think I kinda know what my problem is, I’m just keep denying it. I keep wanting and hoping for more and some might say I deserve it but who’s to say I can have everything I want? Can anyone have everything? And if anyone really, truely does...I’m not gonna lie-I’m jealous.
This life...they say that as a person, you’re so small. And it’s true. We’re only like 1/1000000000 of a fraction of the universe. But in reality, each person has a whole universe that lives inside of them.
...but that doesn’t mean you control it.
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| Patiently. |
[24 Feb 2008|03:02am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
I don't know why I do this to myself...
Sometimes I get to thinking too hard about my past and stupid me decides to come here and dwell in it by reading my old entries.
It never fails to just make things even worse.
It's like...I keep asking myself..."What if?"
And I'm tired of it. I really am.
I can't keep doing this to myself but I can't help it...
I don't know what it is...
but it kills me inside.
It feels like a part of me is missing...
a part I'll never get back, no matter how much I want it.
I screwed up.
He said I would regret it.
And I do.
Happy now??
On a cobweb afternoon,
in a room full of emptiness.
By a freeway, I confess.
I was lost in the pages.
Of a book full of death;
Reading how we'll die alone.
And if we're good,
we'll lay to rest.
Anywhere we want to go...
On my deathbed, I will pray
to the gods and the angels.
Like a pagan to anyone,
who will take me to heaven.
To a place I recall...
I was there so long ago.
The sky was bruised;
The wine was bled
And there you led me on...
In your house,
I Long to be.
Room by room patiently...
I'll wait for you there,
Like a stone.
I'll wait for you there alone.
And on I read,
until the day was gone.
And I sat in regret,
of all the things I've done.
For all that I've blessed.
And all that I've wronged.
In dreams until my death,
I will wander on...
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| My 6 months... |
[29 Nov 2007|03:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Outlaw Star |
] |
& I can't help but to think that he wants someone better...
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| Things I Love: |
[29 Oct 2007|12:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
-Calling in from work because I'm sick.
-Going a day without my wrists hurting.
-Playing Guitar Hero.
-Getting my dad addicted to Ninja Warrior.
-Eating dinner with my boyfriend's family.
-Having candy thrown at me by Bryan's mommy.
-Telling the dog to pounce & actually watching him do it.
-Accidentally punching Bryan in the mouth & sucking up for it.
-Hearing "I love you" whispered in my ear.
-Late night Wendy's.
-Sweet kisses.
& almost getting to spend my 5-month with my boyfriend.
All in all, it was a really good day.
One of the best.
:]
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|
[10 Sep 2007|02:22am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loved |
] |
Me: I love sleeping next to you
Me: Makes me feel safe
Him: good thats what i was hoping for
Me: Heh
Him: im glad
Him: : )
Him: makes me feel good
Me: LoL why
Me: I always feel safe around you
Me: No matter what
Him: gooooooood
Him: get used to it
Me: Already am babe
Me: :]
Him: good
Him: it makes me happy
Him: and it also makes me want to sleep next to you every night
Me: me too
Him: forever
Me: and ever?
Him: and after.
Me: Man I fucking love you.
Him: i know the feeling
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| Adult life. |
[04 Sep 2007|02:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
So.
Kinda getting a taste of what life will be like when I move out to Tampa for college.
Liking it so far...
as long as I get to spend as much time with Bryan as I have been.
I miss him too much when he's gone.
Guess that's normal when you're in love with someone though, right?
Yeah...
Just thought I'd share.
:]
I love being happy.
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| Sometimes goodbye's the only way. |
[01 Jul 2007|01:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
So I decided to take that chance with Bryan again.
At first, I wasn't so sure...
But honestly...
I haven't been this happy in a really long time.
And it's a great feeling to have.
And I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
:]
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| Send the pain below... |
[18 Jun 2007|05:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Chevelle-Send the Pain Below |
] |
So I think it's pretty much safe to say right now that I officially hate myself.
I'm way to freaking indecisive.
I'm in love with someone I don't want to be in love with...
but I can't help it.
And I love someone I'm not sure I want to be with...
even though he's absolutely amazing.
I love being with him.
I love loving him.
But Idk.
There's just so many differences.
He says it doesn't bother him but...as a Christian, it kinda bothers me.
And then there's the fact that he leaves for Tampa soon,
and I stay here.
And I know that shouldn't be a problem but considering the fact that the last two long-distance relationships I had didn't work out...well, you know.
But he's so....
utterly. amazing.
And I love him more than I should.
*sigh*
Boys...
So I think I'll go ANTI-LOVE...
Butterflies in the tummy && hearts s k i p p i n g beats???
That can't be good...
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| Confuzzled much? |
[10 Jun 2007|04:30am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
I don't know why he still says it...
Bryan (4:28:11 AM): Kay. Night babe. ily. Try to get some sleep...
All I know is that for some reason...
I like it.
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| :] |
[27 May 2007|04:06am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Angels & Airwaves- The Adventure |
] |
Him(3:29:55 AM): lol kay. no kissing boys. remember to call me. Find out when raiders is. Do your yardwork quickly.
Him(3:29:56 AM): lol
Me(3:30:04 AM): LoL oh man
Me(3:30:14 AM): How come I got all this stuff to do and you have nothing???
Him(3:30:33 AM): Do you have anything for me to do?
Me(3:30:36 AM): Hmmm
Me(3:30:58 AM): Sleep well & stay happy
Me(3:31:02 AM): Oh, and smile for me.
Me(3:31:04 AM): Right now
Him(3:31:11 AM): lol i did
Him(3:31:11 AM): haha
Him(3:31:12 AM): dork
Me(3:31:14 AM): Kay
Me(3:31:17 AM): You're good
Me(3:31:28 AM): You know you liked it
Him(3:31:52 AM): lol
Me(3:32:10 AM): :]
Him(3:32:17 AM): Dork-o
Me(3:32:28 AM): Darn skippy
Him(3:33:03 AM): lol Okay. I'll try to sleep well. And I'll think of you in order to be happy.
Him(3:33:13 AM): So, my list is complete.
Him(3:33:15 AM): Time for sleepy
Him(3:33:17 AM): haha
Me(3:33:17 AM): I know
Me(3:33:25 AM): Go beddy bye
Him(3:33:36 AM): okay. i will. You better too. You gots work to do tomorrow
Me(3:33:57 AM): I will
Me(3:34:03 AM): try
Me(3:34:06 AM): LoL
Him(3:34:13 AM): Grr. Erase the try
Me(3:34:12 AM): I'm sure I will
Me(3:34:20 AM): I'm exhausted
Him(3:34:34 AM): lol good
Him(3:35:04 AM): okay. Goodnight my love.
Me(3:35:12 AM): Heh
Me(3:35:25 AM): G'night. Sweet Dreams Bry.
Him(3:35:31 AM): : )
Me(3:35:35 AM): :]
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| Life's waiting to begin... |
[25 May 2007|06:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Angels & Airwaves |
] |
I hate to say this but...
I'm really depressed right now.
Everything in the world seems fine when I'm with him...
but it's when I'm NOT with him that kills me.
And it sucks.
Cause my mind spins and I can't stop thinking about everything.
Although I wish I could...
but sometimes actually doing things is harder than it seems.
There's so much crap that I need to be doing with my life right now...
College...
a job would be nice, too...
working towards a bank account...
and that's just the start.
I'm so behind in life.
And it's screwing me up right now, really bad.
The only thing that seems even halfway right in this moment is being with Bryan.
Why is that???
Guys are a distraction, and that's what I DON'T need right now...
but then again, I do.
I need someone to help me through everything.
Cause God knows I've never been the one to do important things all on my own.
And that's just what he's been doing.
UGHHHHHHHH.
Shoot me??
:'[
"I can't live; I can't breathe unless you do this with me..."
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| Tonight we drink to youth... |
[22 May 2007|08:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
-Alright, so there's no doubt about it. I like him...a lot. And I'm not gonna lie, I wanna be with him. I know he goes to USF soon and he's gonna leave me behind, and I know that none of my long-distance relationships ever really worked out all that well in the end, but I wanna try, 'cause if I don't, then I might pass up one of the greatest things in my life...who knows?
-At the same time, still kinda scared to date. Still hurting from last relationship...sorta. It's confusing. It's just, with everything me & Jose went through & how long we dated, I would think that it would hurt more, but it doesn't. I dunno. And I think it's because I've got Bryan, and he's helping me through this somehow...a lot. But yeah, guess that's all on me for now. Just living day by day....
Love hurts, but sometimes it's a good hurt & it feels like I'm alive.
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| I'll be your distraction... |
[17 May 2007|11:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Angels & Airwaves-Distraction |
] |
Me (9:50:00 PM): I'm an adult, just tell them I'll take good care of you
Me (9:50:08 PM): LoL
Him (9:50:11 PM): lol I'm sure you would haha
Him(9:50:44 PM): if I got a boo boo would you kiss it? Make it beter?
Me (9:50:48 PM): Yep
Him(9:50:56 PM): okay.
Him(8:51:07 PM): i'll hurt myself on purpose.
.......................................
Me (9:55:39 PM): Yeah, thanks for dealing with me today
Him (9:55:51 PM): Dealing? whats to deal with?
Me (9:56:06 PM): Well I dunno you're the one that almost kicked me out of your car several times
Me (9:56:11 PM): Haha
Him (9:56:16 PM): You know I was kidding. Shush
Him (9:57:17 PM): I love hanging out with you.
Him (9:57:25 PM): I would never kick you out
Me (9:57:47 PM): LoL you swear it?
Him (9:57:59 PM): Swear on my life.
.......................................
Me (10:07:41 PM): You really gonna drive 4 hours to come see me in Ft. Lauderdale 2 years from now?
Me (10:07:51 PM): For Christmas
Me (10:07:52 PM): or something
Him (10:07:55 PM): Not just two years from now. All the time
Me (10:08:12 PM): LoL well I'm not going there right off the bat
Me (10:08:18 PM): ECC first
Him (10:08:28 PM): ohhhhhhhhhhhh
Him (10:08:34 PM): I'll be down here all the time
.......................................
So, I think I like him. And I keep asking myself..."Why?" But it's pretty obvious, I guess. Plus he's extremely smart, he makes me laugh all the time, and knows how to make me happy no matter what. He's...[for lack of a better word]...amazing. But I'm afraid. I'm afraid that Jose will come back around soon wanting me back and I'm afraid of hurting "him." I dunno...I'm not sure what to do... Meh.
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| Hehe ♥ |
[17 May 2007|02:34am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Angels & Airwaves |
] |
Him (1:58:52 AM): We'll be 241 miles apart
Him (1:59:01 AM): Tampa and Ft. Lauderdale
Me (1:59:02 AM): How do you figure that?
Him (1:59:09 AM): maps.yahoo.com
Me (1:59:28 AM): That's like, what...a couple hours?
Him (1:59:47 AM): Try like almost 4
Me (1:59:51 AM): Oh DANG
Him (1:59:56 AM): yeah
Him (2:00:27 AM): I'll totally make that trip.
Me (2:00:32 AM): LoL awe
...........................................
Him (2:28:51 AM): I'm pretty easy
Me (2:28:52 AM): LoL
Me (2:29:06 AM): Not when it comes to getting you to talk.
Him (2:29:28 AM): Well, everything besides that. I'll do anything for you. 'Cept that.
Me (2:29:32 AM): LoL
Me (2:29:36 AM): Mkay I'll remember that.
Me (2:29:43 AM): But one day it'll be anything.
Him (2:29:55 AM): okay
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|
[25 Nov 2006|05:45pm] |
Well, my girl's guy's in the next room,
sometimes I wish she he was you.
I guess we never really moved on...
It's really good to hear your voice sayin' my name,
it sounds so sweet.
Comin' from the lips of an angel,
hearin those words-
it makes me weak.
|
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| The Real Folk Blues. |
[23 Nov 2006|10:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Cowboy Bebop |
] |
It seems as if things just keep getting harder and harder every day.
And sure, I understand that maybe it's meant to be; that maybe God set it out for me in order to make me a stronger person or whatever...but I feel like I just can't do it...like it's all just too much.
AFI is in 13 days. It's crazy. As ready as I may feel, I know that my battalion is not.
But that's not what I'm here for...
I'm here because there's a pain inside me that I can't heal now, and that I never will be able to. Because it comes from something far away. Something I don't even truly know. I know what it sounds like. I know what it looks like...but where's the rest? It's missing. And I fear it always will be.
In any case...it truly has me stuttering over empty words.
Maybe "it" isn't really the best way to describe what I'm talking about. Because it's more than that. Way more.
...I just can't manage to actually spill out the right word for it, though. For reasons only I know.
I just don't know what to do sometimes.
I feel so small.
And yet, somehow, my problems in this world are so big.
But that's just the human mentality, right?
That the world revolves around us and our problems as an individual.
But it's not true.
I am only but 1/1000000000 of a fraction of this world. And thus, that's all my problems are, too.
And if I know this....
then how come it feels so big?
But if I wanted silence, I would whisper.
And if I wanted loneliness, I'd choose to go.
And if i liked rejection, I'd audition.
And if I didn't love you, you would know...
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| Not again... |
[01 Sep 2006|04:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Natalie Walker- Waking Dream |
] |
I hate this.
I hate loving more than one person at a time.
Ever hear the phrase "Your first love never dies"?
Well it's true.
And no matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving him.
And I hate myself for that so much.
But I can't stop.
...why can't I stop?
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