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Jacq's Journal

22nd July, 2004. 2:36 am. i'm outta here.

i'm moving to somewhere. to mark a new start.

whoever wants me.. come look for me.. but i'm warning i'm being subjective.... to who i give my blog to..

it's my life.

bye

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22nd July, 2004. 2:15 am. i asked for it..

i asked for a timeout. i need a timeout to sort out many things.

i'm sorry.. i'm really am...

look. i'm not enjoying either. i'm screwed up

i'm tired. tired from crying so much.. from fretting too many things.

it's time i do something for myself. i'm not gonna hide my fears from pple anymore..

it's time i stopped telling pple im attached when i don't even mean it at times.

faiz, i know you'll be reading this.. and you'll be upset. TOTALLY i don't blame you. but i'm sorry for what i have to do. and i'm sorry if i don't come back to you... @ this point of time right now.. i don't think i'll be coming back to you.

i need to work this out.. sort many things out.. things that i can't even find words to describe. i've disappointed many pple...

A MILLION APOLOGIES

Current mood: depressed.

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21st July, 2004. 11:52 pm. i want out!!!

i want out for many many things....

-sigh-... God please please please please please please please help me... -kneels down and beg-

(this song is in my head.......)

I wake up
Thoughts of you
Tattooed to my mind
As I wonder
What to wear
What to eat
Who to be
Will I see you again

And as my car breaks down
I shake my head and say
What a day

If you only knew
What I went through just to get to you
I'm hanging from you
And I'll hold on if you want me to

Every bus, every train,
Ever cab, every lane is JAMMED
So I look to the sky
And I reach for the planes with my hands

If all my days go wrong
I'll think about last night
It went right

If you only knew
What I went through just to get to you
I'm hanging from you
And I'll hold on if you want me to

If you only knew
What I went through just to get to you
I'm swinging from you
And there's nothing I would rather do


if only the person knew.... -sigh

SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING!!!

So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

CHORUS X 2

oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Current mood: cold.

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16th July, 2004. 11:21 pm. it's all my fault

from now on.. whatever happens.. it will be my fault.. nobody else's.. whoever says that:"jacq, it's not your fault.." i swear to god that i will burn their eyebrows...

-spitz-... i'm in a terribly upset mood today.. bein a totally sweet and obedient daughter and this is what i get in return.. yah.. it's my fault that i never bother to communicate with my brother.. it's all my fault that i've set a terrible horrendous living examples to my brothers.. etc.. etc.. etc.. (to retrieve a full blown account of what my mom has say, pls do not hesitate to call my house. my mom will be more than delighted to ramble the night away)

i shouldn't have barged to use the bloody computer. i shouldn't have like asked that brother of mine nicely.. what time is he gonna be done with the computer..

mom always thinks that i'm the one who's constantly tryin to pick a fight with my brother.. everytime..

-sigh- i don't wanna talk abt it. the thought abt it just makes me mad...

anger surfaces quickly like a bubble.. and i'm trying to contain it.. i was sooo angry just now that i nearly cut myself.. (that was when i was tryin to cook dinner) i did not shout @ my brother. i did not shout @ my mom. just talked to them NICELY but i was firm.. was it my fault??? was it my fault??? WAS IT MY FUCKIN FAULT!!!!!!!!!

i need an outlet.. i need to do something.. i need to project all this fuckin negativities and forcus it on something else... FUCK.

why do i have the constant feeling that my mom is always findin fault with me. i did the housechores. followed her instructions. did what she needed me to do. STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!!!!!

in my mother's eyes.. i will NEVER EVER be the PERFECT daughter that she always wanted. so rude. too tom-boy.. refuse to do fuckin anything abt her weight problem.. constantly changing jobs.. constantly tryin to decide what to do with her life and never end up doin anything RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a few things my brother does not have to do cos he's a fuckin prick

1) he does not have to do the dishes
2) he can leave things lying around and my mom will be very happy to pick things up after him
3) he's allowed to lock himself up with his fuckin dumb bitch all the time.. and do i say anything?! no?!?! fuck!
4) all he has to do is to point his miserable finger @ me. and my mom will just tell me off

IS THIS FAIR?!?!?!?!? IS THIS ANY FAIR????????????????????????????????????????

NO WORDS CAN DESCRIBE MY ANGER RIGHT NOW. I'M TYPING SO HARD THAT MY FINGERS ARE STARTING TO HURT. MY BIG FAT FUCKIN TUMMY IS ALL CURLED UP IN ONE TIGHT KNOT. MY HEAD IS THROBBING. AND I'M JUST CONTROLLING MYSELF FROM CRYING FROM TEARING. I WILL NOT CRY IN FRONT OF MY MOTHER. IT WILL BE A SIGN OF DEFEAT A SIGN OF ME ADMITTING THAT I WAS @ FAULT

i might as well just disappear. i'm goin to thailand. that's it. there's no turning back. makes things easier for my mother and for myself. i do not want to waste anymore time.

i'm hiding in my room. the bane of my life is back. i'm sad to say that i have nothing left to say to my brother. i just wish that i could just fuckin punch the fuckin daylights out of him. i do not want to have such immense hatred for him but i can't help but to feel like this.

HERE'S TO YOU MARKUS: I HATE YOU.. SO MUCH THAT IF I'M BEING PUSHED ANY FURTHER BY YOU. I WILL JUST TAKE THE FUCKIN KNIFE AND JUST PLUNGE IT STRAIGHT IN YOUR HEART. AND I WON'T REGRET DOIN THAT. YOU HAVE PUSHED ME TOO FAR. TOO FAR...

and i mean it. my bro is just toooooooooooo fuckin rude.. to everyone.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

i need to go run. bye

Current mood: pissed off.

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14th July, 2004. 2:40 pm. drops of jupiter

Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair eah eah eah
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change eah eah eah Since the return from her
stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June eah eah eah

But Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation eah eah yeah ooo She checks out
Mozart while she does tae-bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow eah eah eah Now that she's back in the
atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as plain ol' Jane
Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone
conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had and me


Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back toward the Milky Way

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated

Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there

And did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And did you fall for a shooting star
Fall for a shooting star
And are you lonely by yourself out there

i just love this song... -grins-

Current mood: content.

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12th July, 2004. 12:26 am. hhhmm... decisions.. decisions.. decisions..

uncle joe asked me a question recently :"jia.. do you wanna work for me in Thailand?"
my reaction :"O.O?!"

it's just like.. soooo sudden... managed to find out a bit more.. but not that much.. apparently.. my uncle is da kinda person who would like.. er.. what's the word.. MATCH your personality and your capabilities to a job.. basically.. create a job out for me.. yah.. something like that..

anyway.. i'll elaborate more... i'm too tired to even gather my thoughts

Current mood: confused.

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11th July, 2004. 12:32 pm. a quick one..

before i head back to work.. today is the day where it will decide many many things... it's the day whereby i will decide my road to discover my career.

meeting ma cousin this evening.. back @ choa chu kang.. -sigh-... i'm just too lazy to.. why can't they just email me?? why do they have to meet me?? what's so hard with emailing?? rant.rant.rant.

a few more things..
i'm tired la.. therefore i'm cranky.. so what if i'm being bitchy.... totally bitchy.. i dun really care.. whatever...

-sigh-..
wonder how's the bbq gettin along.. hhmm. i should email rob soon.. hhmm.. or just give him a ring.. hhmm..

the world of hhmmms.....

i am goin off right now.. the world is mad and so am i..

heh...

Current mood: aggravated.

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9th July, 2004. 3:43 pm. iamstillaquizjunkie....



You Should Date A Japanese Guy!


You're an interesting blend of traditonal and modern

And a Japanese guy is likely to be on your wavelength

Maybe you'll show your love by dying your hair the same color

Or get married in a traditional white kimono!

Which Foreign Guy Should You Date? Take This Quiz :-)







Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



i should date a what?!?!?!! 0.0

scary mary..

heh.. here's an interesting thingy.. sprite tastes diff coming out from a can... hhmm..
here's another quiz...



You Are A Relationship Rescuer!


You don't ruin relationships, if anything you keep them together

The key: you respect yourself and your guy. Which goes further than you might think.

You simply treat your guy how you would like to be treated... the old golden rule.

And in return, he treats you like gold - or at least tries. And how perfect is that




Do You Ruin Relationships? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.





You Are A Girl!


Are you ever serious? Well, you're seriously playful.

And guys are attracted to your girlish spirit and all the fun that follows.

Your girlish, temper, however... well, they could live without that.

Not to worry though, you never stay upset for long. It's off to the next adventure.




Are You a Girl or Woman? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



i am a girl?!?! heh alritey then... -shrugs-

You Are a Total Player!


Congratulations, when it comes to the game of love, you're a pro.

Not only are you an expert player, you are a highly evolved one.

For you, dating is like a game of chess - with a much happier ending.

And you adeptly alter your moves, depending on who's in the game.




Are You a Player? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.


uh oh....... jaw drop... hey.. i thought i'm soooooo over being a player????

stay tune...

Current mood: amused.

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8th July, 2004. 1:51 am. imaquizjunkie....

How to make a Jacqueline
Ingredients:

1 part competetiveness

1 part courage

5 parts leadership
Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of sadness and enjoy!


Username:


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

yay!! i'm a quiz junkie... here comes another one..

apathy
Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck. (please vote)


What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla

doo-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee...

UCAUTION
IN THE INTEREST OF SAFETY IT IS ADVISABLE TO KEEP ANGELFIED AWAY FROM FIRE AND FLAMES.

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

wwwhhhhhEEE!!! here's comes another one... =P =p =P =p =P

GARAGE GURL - Flirt inna Skirt!
A GARAGE-GURL. Youre into loud music, hot guys and
wild fashions. Youre most at ease when you've
got all your mates around you and you like to
party. Boys are a game and youre always on the
ball because you make sure you're always number
one.

Your virtues: Confidence, fun nature,
sociability.

Your flaws: Loudness, jealous tendency, need for
attention..



You almost certainly wouldn't like this game,
because it's not your thing:

www.life-blood.vze.com


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

icks.. dun like the gal in the pic.. but.. what da hell.. i think it's enough for today..


Current mood: nerdy.

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8th July, 2004. 1:22 am. i'm low maintenance too!!



You Are Low Maintenance


Otherwise known as "too good to be true"

You're one laid back chica - and men love that!

Just remember that no good guy likes a dormat.

So if you find your self going along to get along...

Stop yourself and put up a little bit of a fight.




Are You High Maintenance? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



hah! can you beat that! =P

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