Victoria's Journal

Saturday, July 19, 2003

6:27PM - Long time no chat...

Hey, whats up? Oh not a lot with me. I think Im stayin home tonight by myself, cus me and Madonna are in another fued, I guess thats what u can call it. Yep, not muchto be at anymore anyway..Robs gone back to town, Katie and Scottie and the rest are at camp. Theres only a few of us left. Well I'm goin to Indiana soon so thats gives me somethin to look forward too. Well I guess thats it from me. Talk to yah later

You will die young, doing something daring.  Your death will be tragic.  Sorry.
Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35.
But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a
car accident or be shot. You'll never have to
see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad.
By the way, its common knowledge that more
people with great goals and aspirations die
young. And if you want to die old, you'll die
young and vice versa.

At what age will you die?
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you're XhardcoreX!

How can I label you?
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kiss my ass2
congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
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Current mood: sick
Current music: The sound of the fan
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Saturday, July 12, 2003


You represent... loneliness.
You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.

What feeling do you represent?
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Current mood: bored
Current music: Going Under
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11:55AM - Meh..

Hi! Hows it going? fOR ME? Well same as always, same old shit. I got thinkin the other night, I get this big feeling of loneliness. Then I thought about Will and what I done. I keep confronting him about everything he done wrong, then maybe I expected him to be too perfect and I realised I still did have feelings for him. We started to talk the other day online, it was going great.. great until I brought up dating again. But its too late now though, he says re-dating isn't a good idea and there is no chance what so ever that we could ever get back together. Oh well, just my luck:S The last 4 relationships it all happened, always my fault, its to do with me, I always go crawling back, but they already moved on. I think its a lesson toprove to me that I'm not meant for love, I never was and never will be. Its clear to me now I wasn't meant for loving and no one was meant for loving me..simple as that. Well this is my summer, chillen home all day and night, I go to work once a week and thats my highlight for the week, not really a highlight cus i REALLY CAN'T STAND IT AT ALL! I feel so stupid down there, the ppl are so croooked and stuck up, well most of them, I felt so down about it yesterday when I was on break I pratically broke down while I was eating. Oh my well anyway I guess thats life, while mine anyway. I'm gonna go perhaps.. find something to do. Ttyl, buh bye!~

Current mood: depressed
Current music: I don't wanna Try and Away from me
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Sunday, July 6, 2003

12:28PM - Its been awhile..

Hiya!~ Losta news from me! Lol.. sorry I haven't wrote in awhile I've been sorting out things in my life. Things were goin great between me and Will for awhile.. we spent a lot of time together and he actually used to call me.. till I dunno.. I guess we drifted apart maybe. Actually I lost my feelings for him..I thinks thats what it was.. ppl just know when someone isn't right for them and thats how I felt about our relationship. I neede someone to care and love me not someone who didn't want me around , but when i was with him he didn't want me to leave. Well I confronted him about it, and it turned into a diaster, yup sure enough he was a jerk about it and said we should break up cus he don't love me and i want someone who loves me, then he went on to say why would he love me anyway? Well now, that just totally broke me. I mean how could he be so cruel, he could of least could of said it a better way rather then leaving me feeling like shit. But yeah, he convinced me its over so it don't matter anymore, he went offline and said no more I didn't really get to say much to end what we had.But oh well, whats done is done, thats the end of that for me, and I'm glad though cus right now I need a break from relationships and stuff. I don't think I need someone who isn't gonna make me happy or make me contemplate all the time. Yep, so I'm gonna try to have a good summer by spending time with friends. I don't have many left cus they are all gone to camp, rob is out for a week so thats good:) I'm gonna have to make my own fun, haha! Well anyhoo I'm gonna to you later~

Current mood: awake
Current music: Sometimes Wanna Die
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Thursday, June 26, 2003

10:22PM - Oh my..

Hi. is finally over for this year. Only one year left of school to go. I got my report card back.. i passed everything.. well so far... I don't get my public exam marks back till July sometime so yeah.. I probably failed all of them..who knows? Anyhoo I just got back from work.. funfun! My legs and feet are killin me tho:( Yep.. I'm in one of those shabby moods.. where I don't knbow waht I want in life, I don't know what i'm doing now.. i don't know if the decisions i am making are the right ones. I feel like I'm living a lie, and I'm not doing what I truely want, or gettin what I deserve. But we never get everything anyway, but we shouldn't put ourself in situations that hurt us or live through something we don't want. Hmmm.. I guess I'm tryin to say is we shouldn't be fooling ourself... I got no other way to put it. Anyway..enough of me for today.. I'm gonna go ponder...

Current mood: confused
Current music: the sound of the computer
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Wednesday, June 25, 2003

1:51PM - Blah..

Hey! I'm soo bored! I can't imagine how boring this summer is gonna be. I really gotta find something to do. Yep.. so my exams are finally over!! I really don't have much hope for my chemistry, it was really I don't expect to pass. My last day of school is tomorrow, and thats just to get our report cards and ppl gets awards. Oh don't worry its not for me.. lol.. what would I get an award for? The most complainyest student in the school! Lol.. yep! Soo anyway things between me and Will are good again. I think I might of scared him when i said I thought he wanted to break up . He might of got the hint that I wasn't gonna put up with shit any longer. So yeah..he smartened up:-p I just hope thats the way it stays. Yup, I can't wait for tomorrow to be over... I gotta go to school, and as soon as i get outta school for the summer.... I got to go to work for 6 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *YIPPIE*WHAT FUN! Oh well, once that is over I'll be glad. Rob is coming out for a few days, and Katie is soon leaving to go to camp.. so I'll be spendin lots of time wif them! Well anyhoo I'm gonna go find something to do. Talk to ye later!

Current mood: bored
Current music: Get Over it
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Monday, June 23, 2003

2:02PM - Theres no need to tell anyone, they'll only hold us down...

I haven't wrote in awhile, and I think its cus I'm tryin to get things figured out. But hopefully you don't mind hearing me out for a bit..
I dunno where to start..but the last 3 days I've been really upset and kinda in my own world. Things with my bf.. have been outta control.. I dunno what happened between us, but lately something has changed and I don't know why or what it is.. I was beginging to think maybe it was me, maybe all my of my compliants and moddiness is driving him crazy. I mean I don't blame him if it is, cus no one deserves to put up with me and the way I am. But, on the other hand...I question that, cus its seems as if he simply doesn't care anymore, he never jokes around, he never wants to come up or have me there, it just isn't the same. Yet, when I ask him if we are still together he says we still are? Then I say that I get the feeling that you don't want to be..and he says I'm figure that out! I can't. Things have been crazy at home too, my family starts flipping out at me for no reason, then when i says anything I always end up in a huge fight with one of my parents.. everything anyone does or says lately is aggravating me.
Then I found out last night, one of my close friends Kirk says he has to move on Wednesday and won't be back for next our last school year. That really bothers me, cus I really don't want him to move, and its just not gonna be the same next year, my last year of school and I won't have him there.
Then I have my last exam tomorrow.. my chemistry public. That exam depends on a lot of things.. If i don't pass it.. I don't pass the year:S Well anyhoo Im gonna go and try to take my mind off o things by studying.

Current mood: crappy
Current music: Anywhere
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Wednesday, June 18, 2003

10:02PM - Oohhhh mmmyyy!!

Hi. -Sigh- Oh my.. I hope tomorrow never comes. I just wish I could die in my sleep, or disappear forawhile, just until tomorrow is over. Frsit of all I got a french public in the morning for 3 hours, then as soon as i gets outta that.. I gotta go do my math exam, which will take another 2 and 1/2 hours, cus I'm soo fuckin slow at test, exams or anything.. and math i'm the slowest at.. so yeah.. then as soon as i'm done my exams...guess where i gotta go?? I gotta go to work for 5 hours, 5 hours of standing up gettin the fuck annoyed outta me! *YIPPIE*!! As soon as I gets home tomorrow night at 9..I'm goin straight to bed.. I ain't gonna be fit to look or talk to. I'm gonna be so crooked its not funny! Oh well.. I guess thats just life isn't it? Oh well, anyhoo I'm gonna go sleep.. wait I came to another conclusion.. maybe on my way to work.. Ill get ran over.. just maybe:D LOL.. anyhoo.. I'm gone, talk to yah later.

Current mood: aggravated
Current music: Bring Me To Life
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Tuesday, June 17, 2003

4:56PM - Soon it'll be summer!

Hi, god I can't wait for summer to come and to be outta school, it seems like its so far away.. i got 3 exams left(THANK GOD) anyway my geography public was hell today.. it took me the 3 full hours to do it, and i still wasn't done.. but i said fuck that, and i passed it up, it was 49 pages! Anyhoo, since me and will have been back together , I agrred that I would stop callin him a moron and to shut up.. oh yes that worked until.. until today in school.. i done it twice! Fuck, i just can't help it but sayin those things.. i think it must come natually or somethin, but i really gotta learn to stop it, cus i didn't realise that he actually took it serious when i said those things:s Yeah, and I'm still confused about it all. I know we are back together and all, but I still don't understand why he said those things to me, I mean..and then the next day he wanted to forget he said it? What made him change his mind so fast? And damn it, why the fuck did he wanna break up to begin with? AHHHHH, I'm goin crazy about all of this. But I guess I'll just have to ask him tonight. We prmised that when the movie "Just Married" came out.. that we would rent it.. and yay we got it for tonight, cus we got no exams till thrusday! Well anyhoo I hope all of my questions get answered cus I don't wanna keep a relationship where he doesn't probably even wanna be with me, ya know? Yep, well I'm gonna go . Luvz yah!~

Current mood: content
Current music: Are You Happy Now
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Monday, June 16, 2003

6:13PM - I never thought that i was an

You come from Heaven. You're the purest of pure, a
saint. You're probably an angel sent directly
from Heaven.

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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Current mood: confused
Current music: Superman
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11:41AM - BoReD!

Hey, I just got back from school, and just finished my biology exam. It wasn't too bad, but I don't think I done very good. 2 exams down, 4 left!:( Well anyhoo I'm gonna go do some quizzes, talk to yah later.

I am a chubby little kitten blob

Which cute or possibly strange kitten are you?
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Youre the baby of the drugs,
and thats okay,
because Im sure,
I could do you all day.

Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]
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You're Sensitive and you'd like to stay that way..
-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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Current mood: sleepy
Current music: Why
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Sunday, June 15, 2003

5:37PM - I'm okay!!.. its all good!

Hey, I'm happy to say that I'm okay now. I just got off the phone with Will not long ago... it took me the whole day to get the courage to call him. I was so afriad of what would happen, more afriad that I had lost him. So anyway, what happened last night is behind us now.. we didn't talk much about it only enough to say we were both crooked and said some wrong things to eachother last night. But, I'm just so relieved that everything is fine now, and I can actually study, now that everything is not on my mind. I don't think I'm gonna do well on that Biology though, but hey, the most I can do is try. Right? Well anyhoo, I'm gonna go. Talk to ye later!

Current mood: relieved
Current music: I'm Glad
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12:13PM - I'm so lost without him..

Oh my.. I don't know what happened. Everything was perfect between me and Will, but something i dunno waht happened. Last night will came up, we were all up to the school then all of our friends were goin up to the camping site and he didn't wanna go, so i slowly walked away think he would catch up later but he didn't. I got so disapoointed in him, I dind't undertsnad why he didn't come up, I cried , I had to let it out. My when i came home the feeling of sadness was there.. then of course he was online. Thats where it all began.. well i should say ended. We just started fighting about that he dind't come up, then i told him to leave me alone..ya know until i cooled down..then he says fuck u, i'm sick of ua nd ur shit i think we should break up!! Iwas like what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My stomach and heart felt like it was gonna explode or somethin, I started crying and crying. I didn't know wh he wanted this. He kept saying we don't get along, and he can't see a postive reason to stay together and that I got on his nerves when I used to call him a moron or to shut up. Gosh, I thoght he knew I was jokin. But still, if it got on his nerves he should of told me way before instead of breaking up with me and then telling me. I'm still dying with heartache, it hurts soo much... he said after he don't know what he wants right now... then i said well i think we could try and fix things, it woudln't hurt to try and he said he don't know, and he said he had to go and for me to call him tomorrow or somethin! Now.. I'm barely slept all night, I've been up since sawn cryng my eyes out. Plus, to make the worst of it I have a Biology exam tomorrow and I don't knowa thing yet, and I can't concentrate all i can do is cry and think about what he said.. I'm so lost.. I don't know what happened between us at all, and it hurts soo much. Ohh mmyy... :( I think i will go and try to study, and wait till later on to come when i calls him. Hopefully he would wanna trry again.. I mean we were perfect , well I thought we were anyway.. well i'm gone.. ttyl

Current mood: depressed
Current music: none
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Saturday, June 14, 2003

10:13AM - Hmm..

Hi, I just woke not long ago. My relatives are out so they woke me up 9:00 this morning for breakfest!! Gahhh, I need some more sleep! But I'm up now, and I gotta lot of work to do. Thank god its sunny out today, I can relax in the sun and study for my biology exam thats on Monday! I have lots of study left to do, 5 more exams left! I just can't wait for them to be over, so i got the whole summer to relax for a change! Well after a long day of studying today I'm gonna spend some time with my boyfriend and my other friends so that'll be a break from it all. Well I'm out for now, talk to yah later

Current mood: blah
Current music: Tonight
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