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Andi's Journal
Okay, this is just a heads up for you all who actually read this thing...
I'm no longer going to post journal entries here. Most of them are now on xanga. www.xanga.com/walksinfaith01 Okay? It's a good thing to read...hehe. So, until my next entry here, see you all on xanga!!
Day 1 – April 27, 2005
This is my big trip for the year. Not gonna be able to afford any other one (so sorry, Messa…I really don’t think I’ll be able to make it to CO). Such is life, however. Okay, I guess the best place for me to start would be last night. I worked at Bob Evans from 7 in the morning until 4, but could have easily been 5…should’ve been 5. But when I was told at 4 that my sister was on her way at 4, I expected to se her at 420-ish at the latest! Didn’t happen. I didn’t see her until 5. 5! Yeah, I wasn’t too happy. See, I had laundry to do to begin with, and lately, life just kinda sucks for me, so I’ve hit that point where anything (no matter how big or small) my life just gets that much worse. So her being late pushed things back, and instead of working around each other, my mom and I ended up colliding with each other (i.e. my hands would be full with something, and suddenly, she’d find something for me to do). I was in pretty bad shape that night…crying for no reason other than I really needed me to; avoiding everyone at the house just because I didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone…yeah, it was pretty bad. So anyway, between loads, I cleaned my room. My dad came back a few times to ask what was going on, but naturally, I told him nothing: “Cleaning’s good therapy.” So my room’s all pretty now. The floor’s still kinda blah, but it’s nothing a good vacuuming won’t fix. Anyway, while I was randomly cleaning, I came across my wallet, which has a very special picture in it, and I had a rather scary thought. I was thinking about Rasha for most of the day for some reason – partly because I haven’t been able to think about her much as of late, so when I had this scary thought, Rasha was in the background. I found this picture and actually wanted to tell the person that I didn’t want them to love me like a sister; and nor do I want to love them like a sister. My head was speaking very very loudly, and what it came up with was, “One day she’s going to leave you, too, and it’ll hurt longer than this.” I can’t go through it again. All the hurt I’ve been feeling, and the wanting to just die…yeah, can’t do it again. Rasha was the ONLY other person that knew what she knows about me, and I'm barely getting through this once, and that’s WITH her help (Thank you, btw…); I honestly don’t believe I’ll get through it again with NO ONE there, you know? Thankfully, the thought was gone before I went to bed, but it haunted my dreams for most of the night. Those were some really scary dreams, and really, only one involved her physically. The other 2 were an implication. I checked my e-mail after my 5am shower and really realized the reason as to why I’d never say what I wanted to the night before. Her being there for me is pretty much the reason I'm writing this now. It’s kinda sad, though. She’s being to me what I am to my friends around here, but the friends around here (no matter how close I am, nor how long I’ve known you) have always promised to be to me, but never have been. I love her for it, too (Random thought: I should get her to do a seminar for my ‘friends.’ Maybe then they’ll get the hint).
So anyway, I got up at 5 while everyone else got to sleep in until 8. Grr. That kinda irked me, but oh well. It’s not like I was DRIVING the 3+ hours to Wildwood, NJ (WWNJ). So I was awake. What does one do at 5am? THEY GO ONLINE, OF COURSE, so I was online for all of half an hour before I got really bored, signed off, and looked for something else to do. I checked my voicemail (which I saved the message, so every time I get upset or something, and I just need to hear a voice, I just listen to it. It makes me happy inside); thought about sending a reply message to her, but I remembered she doesn’t turn off her ringer at night, so sending it at 4:30am her time would’ve probably gotten me significantly crucified, resurrected, tortured, and crucified once again. So I didn’t. I sent her an e-mail instead (it’s quieter). I decided to surf the web once again. Started writing a xanga, but soon lost interest, so I didn’t post anything. By the time we got the last of the junk packed, it was quarter after 9, and by the time we got on the road, it was 9:30am (and by ‘we,’ I mean Adonai, Jess, Louise, Bethany, and me). The drive down was nice except that Bethany wouldn’t take a nap. She really needed one, but refused to take one. So she was–whoa.
Once we hit WWNJ, we went for a walk on the beach, hoping it would tire her out to a point she fell asleep. We found a bunch of stuff – seriously. I’ve never found this much stuff on the beaches before. Let’s see, my sister found a conch shell, which she charged into sub-zero water for; Bethany found every shell that we did – there are an ungodly amount of clam shells in my room right now. We saw two horseshoe crabs – one of them was dead (or so that’s the theory because when we turned her over, she didn’t move or anything – I honestly think we just scared her stiff – and yes, it’s a her. She was laying her eggs); the other one was tailless, but was alive and kicking. Literally. She was kicking sand under her so that she could bury her eggs. Um, let’s see, what else? We turned the first horseshoe crab over and saw the babies, which was very cool. Oh! We saw a sting-ray! It was about quarter of the way eaten, but it was still almost whole. Two sea gulls were fighting over it, and as the 5 of us were walking, we were going, “Mine! Mine! Mine!” like the gulls in Finding Nemo. Bethany got close enough to touch one of them before they realized we were even there, they were so engrossed in trying to pull the other one off the ray, and that scared them enough that they dropped the ray and took off over the sea. So, my sister began examining it with Bethany, and she was so completely enraptured by this thing. After that, she declared war on all sea-gulls (so watch out!). Every seagull we saw, she’d go running after it, full force, screaming, “Get away from that *whatever, mostly horseshoe crab – the one that was giving birth*! You’re not gonna eat it! You go away now!!” and now, imagine this 5-year-old running bare feet on hardened sand towards a bunch of seagulls, arms outstretched, and screaming this. The other 4 in the group nearly died laughing. It was so cute. We’re buying her a shirt that says, “*Front* I'm at war…*Back* With Seagulls!”
After a while, it started raining, so we headed back to the rooms, and after another half hour or so, we went to dinner at this one Chinese restaurant. For $23/person, we got a full 4-course meal of Chinese. Oh, we were happy. All except Bethany. Remember how I said she was whoa? Well, this is where it showed. When we were sitting in the rooms, she was all, “I'm SO hungry, mommy,” so we decided to go eat. We get there, and she’s suddenly not hungry at all…mainly because she didn’t get her way – again. Or she lost a game with my sister or something really kinda dumb, but to a 5-year-old, it makes a big deal. She started with the crying over nothing, and that’s pretty much when I started with my famous line that I learned from my mother, “You know, you can always sit in the car by yourself and cry to that noisy kid. However, think about it b/c you’re going to be alone. Mommy’s going to finish eating, Adonai’s finishing eating; Jess’s finishing her dinner, and I'm going to stand outside the car, hungry, and so I really don’t think you wanna play this game.” She finally just decided to color on the back of the placemat and be done with it. But you know what’s funny? She wanted dessert. Both her mother and I told her no, which brought on a whole new set of tears. It was quite amusing, and I laughed. She got mad at me, I said I didn’t care. She could be as mad as she wanted to be, but she’s not getting ice cream b/c she didn’t eat ANY dinner. End of discussion; change of subject, please.
Well, after we were stuffed, the grain of rice that tips the rice bowl kinda stood up to be counted. Everyone was supposed to give in $25/person, so 4 of the 5 of us did b/c my sister was going to need her card. BUT, she didn’t realize she didn’t have it. I covered her part of the bill, and she was supposed to give me the $25 after we went back to the room to get the card and go to Shop-Rite for some happy juice. I left tip, but no one really realized that we had to do that at this place, so that was another $15 out of my pocket. I walked in there with $69 in cash. I walk out with $4. I was not happy. I was downright pissed off to the point I was quiet. $4 to last me until Friday after 6:30pm. Not likely. So, as per the plan, we went back to the hotel so my sister could get her card, and then went to Shop-Rite, but they didn’t have happy juice, so Jess and my sister walked across Rio Grande Ave to the liquor store on the other side and bought alcohol there. Now, I asked her (b/c they were walking with a lot of alcohol), where’s the $25 you owe me? Apparently, she used it to buy liquor. I nearly walked back to the hotel, I was so mad. My mental state just collapsed.
See, my sister and I have a deal going: I don’t smoke, she doesn’t drink under age, so her telling me that she used the money she was supposed to give to me to buy alcohol for her to drink was one grain of rice too many for the bowl. Seriously, I drove back to the hotel, got out of the car, and just started walking towards the boardwalk. Louise came over and stopped me going, “You going for a walk?” and I was like, “Yeah. I need to.” She told everyone that I wanted to be alone, and so I went for that walk. Once on the boardwalk, I didn’t really want to be there, so I headed down the ramp we took that morning to the beach and began walking. I looked out over the water and a few thoughts occurred to me. 1) Where’s my phone (since I realized I didn’t have it with me)? 2) If I just jumped into the water now, how long would it take for hypothermia to kick in? 3) You really don’t want to know this one. It’s kinda gory and gross and…yick. But anyway, I remembered what needed to be done about the food that we all carted down here for my parents, so that was the motivation to go back to the hotel, which I did. I took the cooler upstairs and unpacked it into the refrigerator, talked to Louise for a few minutes about the whole tip thing. She gave me her share. I went next door and told Adonai and Jess that I needed their tip payment, which I got Jess’s, but Adonai still didn’t have any cash on her, so I pretty much knew at that point that I’d never see it again. Adonai then came over to our room and told me about how I was acting like a dick, and honestly, I was, but had she been in my shoes, she’d be acting like this, too. It’s seriously pissing me off that I can’t get upset over stuff that’s legitimately upset-makable (if that’s even a word)…UPSETTING, that’s it. So I got her pissed off, broke down on Louise for a few more minutes, got my phone out of the van, called (M) and said, “Make me stop crying,” went back to the room and found out I had my roomie scared b/c I just disappeared. Hell, all she had to do was walk to the end of the hallway and look down. I was there – thinking about running away and jumping in the ocean, but I was there. I talked to Louise for a few more minutes and then eventually went to bed.
Day 2 – April 28, 2005
I woke up in a much better mood, Thank God! Louise and I decided to do laundry, so after everyone was showered and dressed, they all went to the boardwalk while I went shopping for laundry detergent. MAJOR WRITING TIME! WOOOOOOO!!!!! So after that, my dad called me and said he was in WWNJ and so he came to pick up the food we brought down for him and my mom. I visited with my mom for a while, which was fun. Apparently, my sister’s allowed to go and see her, which is awesome. B/c of everything that happened, she didn’t want to for the fact that the asshole that’s putting her through hell is rooming right above my parents. My sister and I decided that we were going to keep our distance from the group, and in so agreeing to do that, almost said that we couldn’t see our parents (which makes sense. I mean, they’ll be with the group most of the time). So anyway, my mom’s like, “the group is staying across the street. Your sister can come and see us.” So I left to tell her that, and we all went back over to see them – just to see if anyone’d say anything. Haha, they didn’t. That was great. Anyway, we went walking on the boardwalk then b/c we were kinda looking for uno cards (for a cut-throat game with my mom that night).
Bethany, as much as I love the kid, is spoiled. Big time. This is what I’ve noticed. Mamau (her father’s mother) pretty much hands her anything she wants, and when Louise says something, Mamau says the opposite (which, of course, is the more appealing option), making what Louise says null-&-void. Somehow, Bethany has it in her head that Jess, Adonai, and I are the same way – when Mommmy says something, she doesn’t have to listen. HAH! Not bluddy likely. Like tonight at dinner. She was gonna sit between Mommy and Adonai, so Jess and I were holding all the purses, jackets, bags, etc between us. Well, then she changed her mind and came over to sit between Jess and me, so Adonai and Louise took the bags. Well, she changed her mind again. Adonai said to her, “Oh, no. You wanted to sit there, now sit there. We’re not playing musical chairs.” That brought on the pout, followed by the tears. At that point, I wasn’t in the mood for another repeat of the night before so I switched places with Louise, and the child was still crying. Now, I only have so much patience for that kind of thing, and my patience was wearing thin. I looked her in the eye and said, “Stop the crying. You got what you wanted, now there’s no reason for you to be crying. Stop it.” Which made her cry even harder. I think, subconsciously, I'm aiming for her to hate me by the end of this trip. Hehe…
I’ve also noticed that she doesn’t like the word, “No.” She went to look through the boardwalk telescope things they have that have, and wanted to look through it. Her mom said no. Well, she went over to it anyway. She was tired…massively. I picked her up and said to her, “We’re playing a new game. It’s called ‘When Mommy says no, she means no. When Andi says no, she means no. When Adonai or Jess say no, they mean no. Now, Mommy said no, and that means, what?” Meekly, she goes, “No.” I put her down, and she went back to her mom, near tears. I swear, I'm good. So anyway, we brought her back to the hotel and let her sleep for an hour before going back to my mom’s room at Aqua Beach for a hand of Uno.
That game’s brutal! We spent 2 and a half hours on ONE HAND! One Hand! 2 and a half hours! It was horrible. We’d get down to 3-4 cards, and they’d pull out a combination (multiple draw 2’s and a draw 4), and by the end of the game, there were 5 of us with half the deck in our hands. Grr…haha. I heart that game!
Day 3 – April 29, 2005
Today is zoo day. We’re going to the zoo in Cape May. Woot! This should be a good time. Bethany, right now, is having a fight between her horse and my dog that Louise bought me for a “feel better” present. Yeah, that’s what else I got Wednesday night. So, I now have that puppy hiding since I don’t want her to completely forget that it’s mine. Anyway…So we’re leaving now for the zoo. I’ll write more later.
Okay, back from the zoo. It’s nap time for the little girl, so I have some writing time! WOO! Anyway, we did the adventure at the zoo thing…saw a bunch of gazelles, giraffes (we named them Gigi, Little G., and Junior – Geoffrey’s long lost family), bongos (the animal, not the instrument – weird, huh?). OH! And Redpandas! They had 2 redpandas!! They look like this *link*, and they’re so cute, and red, and panda-ish. Made me happy. The first time through, they were both sleeping, but as we were rounding the back of the cage, one of them was up walking around. Seriously, I stared at them for a good 15 minutes, wanting to go find a park person and ask to hold them. They didn’t have any real pandas, though, so I was a little disappointed, but hey, I’ll take a redpanda also any day. REDPANDAS! *wink*
So Louise and Bethany are napping, and I’ve got nothing else to do but write, so that’s what I'm doing – writing. I’ve got my contacts in, I'm tired as Hell, and I'm not about to take out my contacts, so by the end of tonight, I'm going to be dead-man-walking. WOO! We’re going to dinner at this one restaurant (I don’t remember the name off hand), but it’s supposed to be for a “romantic dinner for 2,” so Louise and I are on one, and my sister and Jess are on the other. We’re being all romantic tonight.
It was a really nice place, but not too fancy (which we were all grateful for, believe me), and then afterwards, we all went for a walk on the boardwalk. Some really awesome news – Whitehall pulled ahead of Triton in Percussion! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!!! We’ve been attempting that for the past, oh, 5-6 years, and we’ve done it! 96.1 was Whitehall’s score for pre-lims; 95.3 was Triton. They’re going DOWN this year!!! And I just may enjoy watching them cry. Hmm……haha, I'm so evil! Anyway, after we walked the boardwalk, I had a guy flirt with me at a pizza place. He was funny. He had a whole bunch of pizza pies he was trying to get rid of, so my sister wanted to see how far down he’d slash the price. By the end of it, my sister got a slice of pizza for $0.75, which was awesome, but I felt really bad about gypping him, so I gave him the last quarter. I'm a softie, sorry. Love me or leave me. Anyway, so after I gave him the quarter, he said to me, “Hunny, you’re a doll. Come back later and I’ll go show you a good time.” I was like, “Uh, no? But thanks anyway.” And walked away with my sister and friends. On the way back to the hotel (or on the way to my mom’s, I don’t remember which anymore), I wanted to take a walk on the beach, and go back to my room instead of going to see my mom (not b/c I'm mad at her or anything, I just wasn’t in the mood to walk all the way down to Aqua Beach to have to walk the 9-10 blocks BACK to Le Voyageur), so I did that, cleaned the room a while, and got this phone call from my mother saying, “I just wanted to make sure you weren’t out doing something to piss me off…” I was like, “Mom! I'm 22! I'm not out doing anything; I'm in the room; fine and dandy.” She worries, I know, but still…Jeez!
Okay, they’re back now, and Bethany’s not feeling too well. Not cool! I think she just ate something that didn’t agree with her. Ahh, well. We all do it. So we distracted her with coloring My Little Pony stuff. She was happy, and we were all doing it – her mom, my sister, Jess, her, and me. All coloring My Little Pony. It’s kinda funny b/c my sister’s not much of a girly girl, but she’s coloring anyway. It was fun, actually. Then Bethany went to bed, we talked a while, Adonai and Jess went back to their room, and Louise and I are ready for bed. So, from day 3, Good Night!
Day 4 – April 30, 2005
Well…we have a bunch of things planned for today, and really, I can only see one of them getting done – namely Sunset Beach. Oh, and seeing our drumline. What’s planned is the drumline thing, boardwalk, Sunset Beach, Ferry Ride, and a few other things, but yeah. We know what’s going to happen and what’s not going to happen.
So anyway, we did breakfast, walked the boardwalk for a while, and Bethany started getting “hard to manage,” so we went back to the hotel, and pretty much everyone but me took a nap. Ih ad my contacts in, and wasn’t about to take them out for a nap to just put them back in in an hour or so, you know? So I stayed awake and wrote for a while on “Without me” (namely b/c it’s the only story I have down here that’s on paper – didn’t feel like fighting with the computer’s power cord). So, I cleaned the room and worked on that. Until it was time to go and watch our drumline.
We saw a bunch of them on before, but it was the Scholastic Open groups, not Scholastic World (which is what Whitehall was), and so we sat there. Bethany watched about as silently as a child of 5 can, but for the most part, liked it. Which was a good thing. Then Whitehall came on, and dude, that show was awesome! I loved it! And then it was Triton, and it was (the norm) a lot of noise.
When they hit the next division, we went to dinner. We ate at a place called, “Little Italy.” This place’s food is to die for! Good Italian! Very good Italian!! So I had my first nocci (yum!), and my first canola (yum, again!). Twas very good. However, Awards were supposed to be at about twenty after six, so we had to decide between going to htat, or going to Sunset Beach, and since really, we only wanted to know the scores of Whitehall and Triton, we decided to skip out on the awards ceremony and go to Sunset Beach. And the day gets better!
Apparently, at about 4pm, a kid of about 12-14-ish fell overboard on a whale-watching trip out by Cape May Point. So they ended up closing off the shores from the point all the way south to Sunset Beach (which is where I was) *Click for the story.* It’s sad…it really is. Um…anyway, we got in touch with the parentals afterwards, and found out that Whitehall got the gold!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 98.0 was the score as opposed to Triton’s 97.3. We rock!! Moonlight Sonata Rox! But yeah, that was a nice end-of-day thing. After all that, we just basically went back to the room, watched Harry Potter, and the Sorcerer’s Stone on ABC and then the news (Where we saw the first coverage of the accident), and went to bed. Oh, we drank some, too. And played Uno (I still heart that game). That’s basically it for the day. Not really too much else to tell. We leave tomorrow, so there won’t be a day 5 entry, so…until I get home! B-bye!
I get an e-mail from a friend of mine...which states:
Sera I was talking to Diana last night. Just so you know we don't keep much from each other. She said that you wanted to tell me something but you didn't know how to tell me. I know you don't want to move in and I am fine
with it. I have known for months that you didn't want to. I am not mad about it. I am how ever upset that you were afriad to tell me. I am not a bad person and I know you don't like Keith but I love him and he is going to be part of my life forever. We may do thing diffrently then your parents, But let us learn from our mistakes. I have Keith's mom to help with Kara I don't need you to but in. I am sorry but lately you have been upsetting me. I don't know how this is going to reflect or friendship but I do't really care. I don't need my friend acting like my mother. sorry but this is how I feel. Amy
I don't know...I see what she's saying, but at the same time...what the fuck?! So I replied with this:
OK, anyone I know online can tell you this: I'm famous for these things. Point by Point...
"Sera I was talking to Diana last night. Just so you know we don't keep much from each other. She said that you wanted to tell me something but you didn't know how to tell me." Yeah, true, and I'll thank you for telling me that b/c now I know that I'll never tell her things in confidence, especially when it involves you.
"I know you don't want to move in and I am fine with it. I have known for months that you didn't want to. I am not mad about it." I'm glad you're not mad about it, but I hate to break the bad news to you, but this me not wanting to thing has only been over the last few weeks, and why? B/c of a broken promise. So I'll thank you for that as well. I had plans to move in with you and it involved you guys and your truck. The plan was that once you got your truck back, you'd clean out the back of it, do whatever it is you needed to do with the foot and a half pile of SHIT in that thing, and pack me up and help me get in there. Well, you got the truck back, but as far as i know, you never cleaned it out and you never helped me move in. Granted, you blew the transmission again, so it's understandable, but it wasn't b/c you were helping me get anywhere. If you had off and really didn't have any errands to run, he took the fucking truck to work where it sat for 4-8 hours while he worked. Now, if I had off, that's 4-8 hours that you could've been helping me. I helped you clean out your shit from the attic; all I asked was at least half of that in return (i.e. you using the truck when he was working to help me get moved in), but that never happened. So now, my room's sitting here mostly in boxes and me with little if not nothing to do with my time b/c everything I used to do is IN A BOX! So, again. Thanks for that!
"I am how ever upset that you were afriad to tell me." Fine, be upset, but you asked for that. As soon as we started talking about me moving in, you had expectations from me. When it was finalized, you expected me to "...bring down [your] stress level" b/c of your daughter. You said it yourself! So, hey. To me, that means you want my help raising her, which, in retrospect, means you want me to help discipline her. I would watch her to get her used to having me around; which works to an extent. However, she'd be fine for me, see you, and everything I'd done that day would be completely negated the moment she laid eyes on you. And why? B/c you don't enforce what I do. Isn't it funny how when it's just me and her, I can get her to lay down and at least take half a nap, but when she's with the two of us, we can't get her to sit still? And it makes it more interesting that you allow that! She's got the two of you wrapped around her finger, and what makes it bad is SHE KNOWS IT! She knows she can get away with practical murder with the two of you b/c one of you is more worried about telling her what she CAN'T do; and the other is more worried about playing that fucking God-forsaken playstation and yelling at her when she gets in the way!
"I am not a bad person and I know you don't like Keith but I love him and he is going to be part of my life forever." Okay, you really want me to get pissed at you, this is part of what did it. I NEVER said you were a bad person, and nor did I say I didn't like Keith. I think the two of you need some serious help in your relationship b/c I've seen how he hurts you, and you allow it like it's okay to do that. Amy, IT'S NOT! What are you teaching her? You're teaching her that violence is a normal part of a relationship, and hey, if that's the lesson you want to be teaching her, then you're doing a bang-up job of it. Maybe part of my problem with you is how you teach your kid. What books does she have? I mean, books are a regular part of my life, and I know they're not a regular part of yours, but why do you have to take away her imagination so early? Books nurture that part of her. Oh, I forgot, you gotta spend money on PS2 games instead, or the latest movie filled with blood and violence, and killing, and anything else to scare the shit out of your daughter! Or perhaps my problem is me not voicing that I don't like it when I should have. But you know what? There's no way in Hell I'm moving in with that kind of environment.
"We may do thing diffrently then your parents, But let us learn from our mistakes." Yeah, you do things differently than my parents, but judging by what you used to tell me about how your mother raised you, it really doesn't sound all that much different...but again, I'm only going off what you told me. And hey, I didn't turn out so bad, now did I? Maybe what you should do is learn from what my parents did. I was never spanked unless I really deserved it. Let you learn from your own mistakes...Fine, learn from your own mistakes, but if you want to have another child, think about what my father said to me, "The first child is what's called the experimental child b/c a parent really doesn't know what they're doing." Is that what you want your daughter to think when she gets to be a teenager with a younger brother or sister? "But mom, why didn't you do to him/her what you used to do to me when I was his age?" What's going to be your answer, Amy? "We didn't know what we were doing with you."?! Oh, yeah. She'll just love you for that!
"I have Keith's mom to help with Kara I don't need you to but in." Seriously, I don't know what to say. That hurts, and it hurts more than you can ever imagine. You are seriously a fucking bitch telling me that after all the times I would watch your daughter b/c we got lucky enough to have a car and I had off that day. All the times I took you to work; all the times I picked Keith up from work; all the times I took you places that you needed to go; so fine. You have Keith's mom to help you with Kara; I'm thrilled to death for that. You don't want me butting in, then I won't. I won't forget the times I spent with that girl so that she didn't have to go and spend the day with Donna, but apparently, you'd rather have her butting in than me. So fine. I'll back out and simply disappear into a memory.
"I am sorry but lately you have been upsetting me." Really, I'd love to know how. I mean, I saw you twice in the last, what? 3 weeks, and it was all in the same week...one day after the other. But naturally, that would be enough to say "lately" wouldn't it?
"I don't know how this is going to reflect or friendship but I do't really care." Apparently not. B/c apparently, you don't give a fuck about the friendship at all. Why I'm even bothering to reply to this shit is beyond me. I'm not going to beg for you to stay my friend. You've got to do what's best for you, same as I've got to do what's best for me. So, uh...yeah.
"I don't need my friend acting like my mother. sorry but this is how I feel." I don't want to act like your mother; but you seriously need to grow up. Both of you. And you know what? I'm sorry, too. Sorry I have to say this to you; sorry I can't be honest with you to your face; sorry I can't be the friend you want me to be. That's caused me nothing but trouble in the past...being the friend everyone wants me to be...I've got to be the friend I want to be, but I can't be me anymore around you two. I don't know what else to do. So, I'm sorry.
That's where it ends, and you know, I don't know what's going through my head. Other than Heather and Sher, Amy really was one of my only reasons for going out! I used to go over and hang at her house, which, I think, was more damaging to me than anything...so yeah...I don't know what's going on with me, but I really think that's part of it...and the added tiredness. Grr!
Anyway, yeah, that's all I have to say for now...
Current mood:
blah.
i don't know why that's there, i just put it there...thought it was cool. I'm in one of those moods where I wanna just ramble on about complete nothingness and no one's here to let me ramble to them...tis quite depressing...they're probably all out doing something with their friends...i mean, it's a Saturday night...me?
i worked 2day. for most of the day actually...i walked in and got yelled at b/c i was trying to figure out where they wanted me to be for the next 8 and half hours...go fig...but oh well...it was deb. i love that woman anyway...she's great; she knows what she's doing; but she comes across as a complete ditz. she's a great laugh...never really gets on my nerves, which is AWESOME! oh, i love her! so after work, we're telling deb that we're all going over to Ground Round (restaurant next door where we get our happy juice) and she's like, "I don't know"...well, eventually, she came over, which, omg, she was a godsend! by the time she got there, none of us had any idea what we were going to talk about next, but as soon as she got there, she's like, "Okay, I need your help on something" and so we gave her our "professional" advice...here's the deal...she met the guy whom she really likes, and for their "first date" he invites her over to his house...now, she's got 2 kids...one of them's a little older than me; and the other's 12-13-ish...so we're all like, "Okay, no. You're not going!" yes, 8 TRU Employees are telling a store world leader (step down from manager) that she's not to go over to this guy's house...and that they should do some things publically first...ie go on dates! So she then is like, "Okay, so what do i tell this guy then?" and we're all like, "Um...you have a daughter...tell him she's sick and you have to go home to her...tell him you promised that you'd go out with us the next time you closed on a Saturday...tell him anything! Make something up!!" and lo and behold, her daughter calls b/c she's not feeling well...i swear, that was timing and a half...we all were like, "Well, there's your reasoning!" and i think that's what she's going to tell him. her daughter's another sweetheart...met her maybe once or twice, but she's nice...
Um...what else...OH! yeah, we started talking about things that happened 2nite...and one of them was a kid...this kid, i swear, got up to the front of the store and started screaming, and it wasn't like it was a little bit b/c he wanted a toy or something...i mean, all out; full fledged screaming, and the mother did nothing! did absolutely nothing! From what i saw, one of the 2 this woman had took the toy from the younger one and took off with it...meanwhile, the mom is trying to get the younger one to walk and not being successful in it, so the kid continues to scream...at the top of his lungs! i was like, "Woman get the kid out of the store already!!" but i didn't say it out loud. that could've gotten me fired. so i didn't say anything...Deb, tho...she took that woman and her 2 kids up to Service Area where Karen had to deal with her...haha, that was fun! the woman left and it was quiet...omw...those 2 were lucky they weren't my kids. they both would've been taken outside, put in the car, taken home and put to bed...and IF they're lucky enough to come out of their rooms, they'd get fed...haha, no, i would've fed them by now...i mean, this was somewhere around, oh, 730-800ish. i think that was the point where we all said, "I need a drink" and the plans to go next door began...
okay, so anyway...while we're at GR with deb, we told her everything! I mean, you never saw anyone open up as much as we did 2nite...we hit her with the problems we had with management; Paula and what ppl think about her, but we all laughed so hard 2nite...omg, it was great...i heard about a manager we had named Jonathan....little oriental guy...but funny as hell! he would literally tell guests "No no...you no say fuck you to me!" and hang up the phone! one time, deb was telling us about a return she had had...this guy wanted to return a system and policy dictates 45 days; even exchange ONLY if defective...well, the guest wasn't going to have it, so Jonathan came up and this guy (guest) started freaking out on him and Jonathan was like, "I no take it back! You take it away now." and the guest was becoming irate, and jonathan kept with the "I no take it back...you go away now!" deb was in stitches, apparently, and couldn't breathe by the end of it...OH! another jonathan story...Andrew (who now works in stock room) was working over in RZone (video games) and a while back there was this promotion, i suppose, where you spent so much you got a furbie (yeah, remember those things?!) and it was one of those things that a guest wanted a black one, but the deal was, whatever the cashier pulled out, that's what you got....well, the guest wanted a black one and told Andrew that he had to keep picking until he got a black one...andrew said he couldn't...jonathan was called over..."i no give you black one...this what you get." woman starts arguing..."i sorry, but this what you get...too bad..." woman: This isn't fair! Jonathan: Then go K-mart! omg, the entire table was dying!! then, those of us that have no idea who this guy is, are all like, "I WANNA KNOW THIS MAN!!"
Then we went into Paula. My God, if she could hear what we were saying...remind me sometime later to tell y'all about that...right now, i'm ready to fall over b/c the high has worn off...NITE!!
Current mood:
weird.
i was going to put a big long thing here, but I think i'm going to keep it simple. I feel like shit. I don't know whether or not my friend is still upset with me, and it sucks. You know who you are, if you even read this. i can't say it any more times how sorry i am for not taking your news better, but you know? I don't care anymore. I really don't. you wanna be upset with me b/c your news came as a massive shock to me, fine. be upset. i can't stop you. I'm just getting tired of feeling like shit for days (and sometimes weeks) on end b/c of one little stupid thing.
Current mood:
irritated.Current music: If I said, I'd be in trouble....
How can one Walk in Faith
If there is no faith to walk in?
How can one Walk in Faith
When all the hope she had was taken?
Darkness lingered
Threatening to take hold
Of the reality
That had been her light.
Darkness engulfed her,
Throwing her into
A world, spiraling
Out of control.
Suddenly, there came
A point of light-
A little dot promising
Everything would be better soon.
Walks in Faith held
Onto that light-
Praying it held the truth
And not some false hope.
But a crazy horse crashed into
The darkness
Destroying the light that had
Become the hope for a better day.
Walks in Faith was
Plunged back into darkness,
Awaiting the spiraling
To begin again.
Gradually, her breathing slowed
And then stopped completely.
Only to be found
By one chasing a dream.
But it was too late. The one
Known as Walks in Faith has passed on.
Alone, in the dark, where no one can find her.
Nor does she want anyone to seek her.
Ok, a little dramatic, I’ll admit, but hey, that’s life. However, one thing does hold true. Walks in Faith, at the moment, is in a coma. She’s not dead…Andi is here. Walks in Faith is not. You have to be able to have the faith to walk in it, and she’s lost hers. Hopefully, in the for-seeable future, she’ll find it again. Until then, pray…
V.1
Do you remember me?
Long ago on bended knee
I prayed to you with childhood fantasies
Well, I’m all grown up now
Can you still help somehow?
I’m not a child, but my heart still can dream
Please hear my prayer tonight
And help me do what’s right
Not for myself, but for a world in need…
Refrain:
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal our hearts
Every man would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my prayer for every year
V.2
May kindness rule our lives
Not just the strong survive
Sweet tears for all thousand years gone by.
This is the world, I pray
We will share someday
Let me begin by reaching out my hand.
Refrain
What is this illusion called?
The innocence of youth.
Maybe only in that fine belief
Will we ever find the truth.
Refrain
This is the prayer I hope you’ll hear!
This is my prayer for every year…
And ya know what? I want that peace. I want to feel peace again. I want to be able to laugh again and have it be real. I want to be able to go to work and not be yelled at because I don't know where i'm supposed to be. I want to come home from work and be able to go to bed without crying. I want my family to make moving easier, and not the hardest decision in my life. I want out of PA. I want to be able to pay off my tuition at LCCC so I can actually go back! I want to be happy again! I want my family to keep their word just once in my life. "No more lives torn apart" Yeah...that'd be nice.
I'm just going to go to bed...maybe the nightmare will be over if I wake up.
Current mood: if i said, i'd be admitted..no.
yeah, okay, technically, it was yesterday, but hey...that's what happens when you turn 22 and have nothing to do. I spent most of my day wanting to cry. From the moment I hung up with Messa to the point I started posting this...I've wanted to do nothing but lay down on my bed and cry. Why? I have no idea. I just do.
I woke up, went out into the living room, got wished a happy birthday by both parents, and watched "Living Wild" on the National Geographic Channel. Then I got the phone call from Messa (THANKS!) I talked to her for, I think, 10-15 minutes or so, hung up, went back out into the living room and watched a bunch of zebras die at the end of "Living Wild". My sister finally woke up and took a shower, where my mother then proceeded to freak out about something.
Then, mom and dad left to go and run an errand, and the depression set in. Not like it normally does where I feel depressed for maybe a few minutes and then it goes away. It set, and it stayed. I watched National Geographic for a while; cleaned the bathroom (yes, I got high on ammonia on my birthday); Kim went and did laundry b/c apparently, that's what mom was freaking out about; she took the stuff to the dryer; me? still depressed...She got me a cake and a calendar with dragons (both equally as awesome!) but yet, no happy.
My dad asked me at one point what was wrong, and somehow, I convinced him I was tired and went into my room and took a nap. Then I took Kim to work. On the way, we listened to "My Immortal" (probably a bad idea given my current state of mind) and that made me feel even worse! So after she listened to her songs on that CD, I put in WOW Christmas, and THAT depressed me even more! I got home and walked inside, and just went into my room to do some memory searching, I guess you could call it. When I walked back out, my dad was on his way out the door to go to the Basketball game at the school (the music parents run the snack bar) and my mom was asleep b/c she felt like shit.
I brought out a notebook and wrote all of 3 paragraphs of the missing section in Ch. 16 of the book...3 PARAGRAPHS! THAT'S IT!! I had it all set in my head, and I got 3 paragraphs...
Well, then mom woke up and came out into the living room (as "The Mummy Returns" was ending) and I asked her if she'd be upset if I asked to go and see Amy and Keith for a while. She said no, and that it was all right, so I went under the deal that I pick up my sister and bring her home after she got off of work...no biggie...nothing out of the ordinary.
I went to see them...and then we went to Wal-Mart for stuff for their daughter, and to pick up my sister, back to their place to watch "Dodge Ball" and then home. I swear, I don't think I've ever laughed so much...yeah, for all of the 20 minutes I actually saw. Amy and I were looking through the book I ordered: Free Money to Pay Your Bills for almost the duration of the movie...but those 20 minutes were spent laughing.
I went online and got the e-cards from my online sisters. Believe me, by that point, they were greatly appreciated. Thank you, guys, for them...
I don't know. Maybe what I need is to get some sleep, and since now "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" is over, I bid you all, Good Night.
Current mood:
melancholy.
okay, so to continue from earlier...where was I? Oh, yeah...the gas issue...what started this thing...
she decided to tell me last night after I said I needed the car for the morning so I could get my laundry dried. She's like, "No, I need the car." I'm like, "What for? You don't normally do anything that early anyway!"
Her: I'm going to lunch with Aunt Linda.
Okay, this is normal here...Doesn't bother me...she normally does lunch with Aunt Linda...
Me: Okay, so what time are you picking her up?
Her: Around 11.
Me: So I can't use the car beforehand why?
Her: Fine, whatever.
So I got the car for the ten minutes it took me to get my clothes to the drier and as I'm getting into the car, I noticed that the car needed gas. So, knowing that she was going to lunch with my aunt, I filled the tank...well, sorta. I put in $10. enough for half a tank worth of gas. I go back to the house and I'm like, "I'm going to go with you guys, and I'm the one driving." THAT kicked off another thing she didn't like. SHE wanted to be the one to drive. All I said was, "I just put $10 of gas into that thing, and I'd just like to be able to use the gas I put into the thing." Well, she didn't like it. She's like, "So why can't I drive and you come along with me?" I swear, that girl just doesn't understand English. "Because I put the gas in, therefore, I'm driving. Deal with it."
So we go and pick up my aunt, and by now, she's just being a bitch about the whole driving thing. OH, THAT'S RIGHT! We were also going out to the other side of Allentown to pick up her friend from school. Um, I'm sorry, but that wasn't in the original contract, here! "Why are we picking her up? Where's her car?"
"She only has a permit. She can't be driving out there without someone."
"And how is this our problem again? Why are we picking her up?"
"Because I said I would. It's part of the reason I wanted the car for today. She's going to lunch with us also."
"YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE OUR AUNT PAY FOR HER TO EAT, TOO?!?!"
"She did for Sher [Heather's sister]!"
I about fainted! I just put half a tank in that car, and now, AFTER she finds this out, there's an extra errand she's running. After we picked up Linda, I told Kim to take me home. Also asking her where her liscence was. She tells me it's in the trunk with my backpack. So, I look in the trunk, and what do you know?! NO LISCENCE! She lost it. and yet, she's driving around...not okay for me, but apparently, okay for her. So, I ask her, "Where's your liscence?"
Her: It's in there!
Me: Kim, there's nothing in here but a plastic bag.
Her: Just close the trunk so we can go.
Me: Where's your liscence?!
Her: Just close the trunk!
Me: Not until you tell me where your liscence is!
And she drove off with the trunk open half way down the block until she pulled over and closed it herself.
I loved it. When dad came home, I told him to hit me. Like, don't even hold back...haul off and smack me until I bleed. He goes, "Why?" I said, "Because the gas tank in the Crysler was down to quarter tank, so I put gas in it, thinking she was going to need the gas to pick up Linda and do the lunch thing..." Basically, I told him everything that happened, INCLUDING the fact that she's driving around without a liscence.
So then I'm in my room, dad runs to the bank, she comes home and comes into my room and hands me the keys to the Crysler. I, at this point, was just waiting for Dad to say something to her, and yet, he didn't. I think he may have after dropping me off at work only b/c she came with us when he dropped me off at work. I don't know. All I know is, I'm at work, and it took me three hours to calm down to the point I wasn't annoyed at everything that was going on...I mean, Viki was there...need I say more? Tho, I found out, I'm not the only person there that feels like I do. Most of the floor staff doesn't like her b/c of how she acts...and I had to put up with her for six and a half hours...Apparently, I don't know my job well enough that I have to have two smart asses tell me about how to do my job...one of them not even knowing how to do my job...the other, Viki.
Anyway, I get home, and both cars are missing. My dad has one at the game, so that's understandable. My sister, apparently, has the other...playing pool...RIGHT. Mom, I'm sorry, but I highly doubt she's playing pool. She's probably out joyriding somewhere. She's got a car! well, she's gonna pay for gas, and if I can work it with my parents, she's gonna help pay for insurance. Ok, I didn't when I was her age, but I didn't go galavanting everywhere b/c I had a job where I had to put gas in the car when it was needed. She has none. She goes all over, and doesn't pay for a single damn thing in that car. I get it 2 of the 7 days a week, and she gets it the other 5. and yet! I'M THE ONE GETTING YELLED AT FOR PUTTING MILES ON THE CAR. HOW'S THAT WORK?!?!?!?! and I'M THE ONE THAT GETS LECTURED ON HER SMOKING IN IT! She thinks now that mom and dad know she smokes, it's okay to smoke in their cars. Uh, no. In the White Car, yes, only b/c it's easy to mask it b/c of it being leather seating. In mom and dad's cars? no...cloth seats. Mom gets in one day and goes, "Does she smoke in here?" and I said, "I don't know. Not normally when I'm with her."
Mom: Does she have it alone often?
Me: Considering I had to negotiate world war three to get it to pick you up? yeah, I'd say so.
Mom: I don't want her smoking in here.
Do you have any idea how hard it is not to say, "Fine, then you tell her. She doesn't listen to me."
No more. She's now paying for her to go and have a social life. I can't afford to pay my bills and finance her life too. Sorry if she doesn't like it, but...*shrugs* I really just don't give a fuck. I'm not crying anymore b/c of her and her FUCKING money problems.
Current mood: Again, you don't want to know.
I can't make new friends because my mom freaks out on early morning conversations...WELL I'M SORRY!! that's the only time that i can talk to anyone b/c i'm not supposed to have a fucking social life! I'm supposed to be the one that does all the shit work for everyone else so THEY can have a social life. Oh, but I'm supposed to finance it. So, uh, why can't i pay for my tuition?! BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY PUTTING $25 GAS IN THE FUCKING CAR PER WEEK!!!!! THAT'S WHY!! I'M TIRED OF DOING THIS EVERY WEEK FOR ME TO GET THE FUCKING CAR FOR 2 DAYS! 2 DAYS...OUT OF THE 7 THERE ARE, I ACTUALLY REQUEST TO HAVE IT....AND I HAVE TO GIVE 24 HOUR ADVANCE NOTICE SO THAT MY SISTER CAN "CHANGE" HER PLANS SHOULD THEY NEED TO BE CHANGED...I MEAN, SHE'D HAVE TO CANCEL A TRIP TO BOB EVANS, SHE'D HAVE TO MAKE SURE SHER AND HEATHER KNEW ABOUT IT (THAT SHE WASN'T COMING TO GET THEM) AND ALL THE WHILE, I'M PUTTING GAS IN THE CAR FOR HER TO DO THIS EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!! WELL, MINUS THE TWO THAT I ACTUALLY GET THE CAR...AND THOSE ARE THE DAYS THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE RUNNING AROUND I HAVE TO DO...LIKE TO THE BANK TO DEPOSIT MY CHECK SO I CAN PAY OFF A BILL...OR TO AMY'S TO BABYSIT A TWO-YEAR-OLD...OR TO AMY'S (AGAIN) TO MOVE STUFF AROUND--WHICH, INCIDENTALLY, HAPPENS AT NIGHT ON WEEKENDS! IT DOESN'T EVEN HAPPEN DURING THE DAY! SO YEAH...MORE LATER.
Current mood: Trust me, you don't wanna know.