AnAimpulsE's Journal

Saturday, July 5, 2003

10:43AM - want some cookies?

I'm baking cookies right now... fun fun. i ate some cookie dough, i really forgot how good junk food tastes! through a mirical of modern science, i have not gained any weight since i started eating normaly. not a single ounce. im so glad! if i were gaining weight eating would be so much harder. i still feel guilty though. i tell myself i shouldnt because im not gaining any weight, but i just come back with im not losing any weight eiher.

Current mood: cheerful
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Friday, July 4, 2003

11:48PM - I suck

jeeze, im so terrible at keeping a journal. i dont really have a lot to say though. ive been eating almost normaly, but i feel like im eating like a cow. i feel guilty after everything i eat and sometimes i want to go back to how i used to be. i guess thats all for today. im trying my best not to relapse but its hard when i have no one to talk to about it.

Current mood: intimidated
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Sunday, June 29, 2003

9:25PM - Introduction

My name is Nadia and I'm a recovoring anorexic/bulimic. I have had eating disorders for as long as I can remember. Ever since I was little, I wanted to be perfect but the only thing I could control at the age of 12 was what I ate. And that's still pretty much true... When I was about 8 or 9 somebody 'hurt' me and it kept going until I was about 13 or 14. I never told a soul. I mean, how could I be perfect if something like that happened? I'm wondering if that helped the eating disorders along. I think it must have because it made me feel worthless and not at all good enough. Then I wanted to feel good about myself and I thought that if I were pretty on the outside, then I would have more confidence. The only way I could think of to make myself pretty was to be thin. So I tryed my best when I was younger, but I never had the self-control to get so thin I looked sick. But then recently, I lost a lot of weight and everyone could tell there was something wrong. So now, I'm trying my best to recover, but I relapse constantly. It's just so easy not to eat in the summertime because there's no one around telling me to. I don't really like to talk about exact weights, it's pretty pathetic and really embarassing. So I'm just not going to mention any numbers. I hope that keeping a journal will help me feel better. I've never kept one before and I find myself rediculusly angry or sad and I dont' know how to express or let out those emotions. I'm told that writting is a good way..... so here goes nothing

Current mood: peaceful
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