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Amy C

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EH [27 Apr 2004|12:06pm]
crazy how life is sometimes







oh, I'm over at the other place just so ya'll don't think I dropped dead or something.
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My brother and the newspaper [07 Dec 2003|11:07am]
[ mood | scared ]

He is mentally ill and I really wish he would get some help. He left foster care at 18 with an severely mentally ill status and was supposed to get free medical insurance and have someone check up on him. No one has done anything. I told him he should find his own apartment. I know it sounds bad, but I couldn't handle him anymore. He was stealing from me. I caught him and confronted him about it and he broke down crying and so I forgave him only to have him do it again one week later. We got into a fight after he broke my computer and he left only to call me at three in the morning to tell me he needed liver surgery because of his hepatitis C and that we was having it that night. He called me the next day to tell me that he was in the ICU, so I went to go visit him and found him the psychiatric ward. I asked to see his scars and he wouldn't show then to me because "they were too bloody and gross." A week later, I came home to him sitting in the living room. He told me he was discharged. I asked to see his scar from the liver surgery and he said he had microscopic laser surgery, and said he only had a Band-Aid covering the wound, but refused to show that to me as well. Anyway, it turns out my brother was in the military for one month. He was kicked out of boot camp for bad behavior and given a dishonorable discharge, meaning he can never go back to the military again. My brother was never sick. He was just using me and tell me everything I needed to hear. I couldn't handle it anymore and I was seriously scared of him because he is a pretty violent person. I told him it was best if we didn't live together anymore and drove him 16 hours to live with a friend. By the time I made it back home and went to class the next day, my bank had called to tell us that there was a lot of activity on our account. He cleaned us out in one night and charged up both my credit cards. he knew that we wouldn't have money to pay rent and that lead to us getting evicted, but he didn't care. Anyway, we got most of that worked out. The bank refunded some of the money and we didn't get evicted, we just had to pay 500 dollars more.

But that's not what I really want to write about. Read this story in the Internet:

http://www.eacourier.com/articles/2003/11/03/news/news02.txt

That's my brother. He called me to tell me off because I don't want anything to do with him anymore since he is trying to use the death of someone I love dearly to manipulate me further. He told me he is now a corporal in the army and is going to over seas again any day now. He also said he was in the paper....so I check it out and this is what I saw. My brother was never in Iraq or anywhere in the middle east with the army. He has never been shot anywhere in his body. Somehow he has this entire little town believing his stories. I don't know what I should do. Should I contact the paper and advise them to check up on his story? I don't want him to be publicly humiliated, but I don't think this is helping me brother any to have his lies in the paper.

I really don't understand how he got so messed up. Everyone says it is because he had a hard childhood, but so did I. We went through the same things, but I didn't end up so completely mentally ill. It makes me so sad. How is he ever going to live any kind of life this way?


On the flip side, my little sister is doing wonderfully. She called me to tell me she loves me and thank me for putting her into foster care because now she is getting her life together. She spent a week here for Thanksgiving and we had a blast. She is coming again for winter break. I am so happy she is doing well, and I am so happy we are so close again. It makes me feel good about putting her back into the system. She is turning out to be a fine young woman. I'm so proud of her.

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It's been awhile. [27 Aug 2003|09:06pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

I miss the way my old apartment smells. Have you ever noticed how comforting the smell of "home" is? I don't think I ever paid any attention to it before. The way the doorway smells, or your porch, or the hallway leading up to your room. The familiar smells that hit you as you open your door....they automatically create this feeling of calm in me. I don't have that with this new place up here in good O'l California. This new place smells weird. I keep opening my door expecting that pleasant musty smell I've grown so accustomed to, but instead I get hit with the smell of paint and a gas stove. I hate the way this new apartment smells. It doesn't smell bad...it's just not....home.

I don't think I have EVER felt home sick before. But then again I haven't been living in an empty townhouse without any furniture before either. My girlfriend and my brother are moving up here this Saturday, but I had to come last Saturday because my school started this week.

This new place is okay, except the lady we spoke to said it would be okay if we had two cats, but then I re-read my lease again and it says that we are only allowed to have ONE pet per apartment. So it looks like I am going to have to "hide" one cat for nine months. This place is freaking expensive. My last apartment was about 600 a month, for a two bedroom apartment in Tucson, AZ, but his place is 1300 a month and that doesn't include any utilities. EEEK.

I absolutely love Chapman University. It is already so much better than ASU or the UOFA. I am so glad I came here, even though I will probably be in debt the rest of my life because of it. My professors are awesome, my classes are small, and all the people here are "my kind of people," kind of goofy and nerdy. The student government here are all a bunch of cheese balls. I have a class that gets out at 10PM on Tuesday nights, and after that the film school has "Tuesday night dance party." It was so hilarious. They were blasting old 80's music like "What is Love" and other songs equally as cheesy. It was great. About two dozen or so film students crammed into the narrow hallways of the film building and danced (if you can call it that). Ah...I love this school.

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[25 Jul 2003|10:00am]
My girlfriend went to ask her parents if they'd co-sign a lease for her, and she mentioned that she'd be living in California with me. That's when things went bad. Apparently her parents don't really care that I'm a woman, they just think that I am a "unstable, horrid, miserable person that has attached myself to their daughter, and I am keeping her down. I'm keeping her from being successful and making her unhappy."

I know I shouldn't make the fight with her parents all about me, but that's a little hard to do when it is all about me. It wouldn't bother me so much if it was just a homophobic thing. I'd get over that. It's the harsh personal conclusions they made about me that does. They have only met me twice, really. Those times were okay, but then after that they just glared at me and wouldn't speak to me. How is it possible to make those conclusions about me after so little time?

I don't get it. So anyway, to make a short story shorter: They will not help her out if she is living with me. "If she would consider moving somewhere else without me, than they would."

This sucks.
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[17 Jul 2003|03:05pm]
Oh my Gosh! It's me. HAHAHA


You're a Granola!
Wiccan Lesbian or Tree Hugger Lesbian:
You probably own at least one pair of birkenstocks
and have a lot of kahki. Most likely you're a
vegetarian, are really into nature and animal
rights or practice the Wiccan religion.


What Kind Of Lesbian Stereotype Are You???
brought to you by Quizilla
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[17 Jul 2003|02:45pm]
Have you ever watched a film that made you cry? I don't mean the watery eyes during the sad parts cry, I mean the can't stop, swollen, runny nose and broken blood vessels around your eyes cry.

It surprised me. I'm not usually one who cries over films or books. It was more of a documentary than a movie, but I was captivated all the way through.

I just could not stop the tears from coming for half and hour after the movie. I don't cry very often so it freaked me out

Yeah, can you see it? I'm sitting on the couch, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth saying how much I loved that movie.

I really hope I am able to invoke that kind of reaction over my films one day. I know that sounds derailed, huh? I want to make my audiences sob!! MUHAHAHAHA.

You know you've done your job well as a filmmaker when you affect someone that strongly. It doesn't have to be a negative emotion (not that sadness is a negative emotion, I just couldn't think of a way to describe it) to be powerful. You can do that with comedy and YAY feelings too.
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I was supposed to have jury duty today but I was excused. Yippee!! I was going to tell them that I was against Bush, pro Marijuana, Pro gay marriage, and I was going to wear my hair in braids so that they'd excuse me anyway.
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I had to call the police yesterday because my neighbors keep leaving their propane tanks out in the direct sunlight in Southern Arizona where it reaches over 115 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer. I kept smelling this weird gassy smell in my apartment but I couldn't find where it was coming from. I went outside to go check the mail at around 1 Pm and I hear the sssssssss sound and the smell got stronger. So I stay there for a good ten minutes banging on my neighbors door and trying to turn it off. I go down to my apartment's office which is closed for some reason. So there is nobody to help me. I am running around terrified this thing is going to blow up or someone lights up a cigarette and kaploowie. Finally, this lady down the hall, that has the fattest dog I've ever seen, told me just to call 911. Well I called the police department instead and they called the fire department. Seven large firemen were outside for a good 40 minutes before they just cut the chain on the tanks and took them away.

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Well, I am off to go fetch my little sister from her group home and pack for a short trip out to orange county to find an apartment. I probably should have one by now being the middle of July, but yeah....I don't.
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Angelina Jolie [13 Jul 2003|05:19am]
Could this women get any hotter?



Drool....
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Insomnia....wheee [13 Jul 2003|05:00am]
So I just finished an IQ test at Emode.com.

does anyone know what your IQ really means?
What's average?
I know you need something like a 100 to function in society.
I don't know.

IQ tests are stupid.

Apparently the right job for me will allow me to be: personable and creative. Okay....I guess film fits in there. And I'm moderately passionate, a Burmese mountain Dog, my personality type is a shark, and I'm not evil. Okay...I think I'm gonna go to bed now.

All of those tests were at Emode.com
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[13 Jul 2003|04:07am]
I thought she would be cool with it. She's not religious, and she has a lot of gay friends. She didn't freak out or try to fix me or anything.

It was worse.

She told me that she didn't believe in bisexuals. "Bisexuals don't exist. They are just confused gay or straight people." She actually said that. I was so shocked I almost did a spit take with my mocha.

She's allowed to feel whatever way she feels about that, but for her to outright dismiss what I told her...
That hurt.

She has no problem with the gay part of my life, it's the not having a gay or straight title that bothers her. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. Am I supposed to pretend I'm not bisexual because she doesn't believe in them?

It's very sad to me that people care so much about that stuff.
WHO CARES WHAT YOU DO IN YOUR BEDROOM?
It's fucking stupid!

I hate my country right now. The president is actually getting ready to sign a bill that would ban all homosexual unions in the United States forever. How fucked up is that? I mean seriously, this is America.
We're supposed to be the "Land of the Free," but we're here in the 21 century still fighting over gay rights, women's rights, and racism.

This is a country with over a million foster children in need of homes, with pleny of gay and lesbian couples ready and willing to love them. America would rather see these kids raised in group homes, juvenile detention centers, shelters, or on the streets than in the homes of homosexual couples.

Do you really need interlocking genitals to love a child? I would have given both my legs for a family that loved me while I was growing up...hell, I'd still do it. It wouldn't have mattered to me if they were gay, straight, male, female, transgendered, or anything else as long as they were my family.

I seriously think I want to move to Canada, but I'll never do it because like every other American, I'm have a hard time imagining life outside of this country even though I've lived in Saudi Arabia as a child.. The thought of not being "American" terrifies me and I don't even really know what being an "American" means.

We're supposed to be this all powerful nation, but we are the fattest, most racist, most homophobic, greedy, nosey, and violent country. We're brainwashed by our own government and media into believing all lies and BS.

The whole war with Iraq is bullshit. It's been a long ass time now and no one has yet to find any "weapons of mass destruction." What the fuck does that mean anyway?

"Weapons of mass destruction?" That could be anything. Even if they do have weapons....why are we allowed to have atomic bombs and all these high tech weapons, but other countries can't? We have plenty of weapons of mass destruction. We are the only nation to ever use an atomic bomb.

I think it's Ironic that everyone has forgotten all about Osama Bin Laden. We couldn't find one big scary Arab, so we move onto the next big scary Arab. Don't get me wrong, I think Saddam is fucking crazy, but this war that is still going on is fucking wrong. We've killed, wounded, and orphaned so many innocent people in Iraq, but you don't see any of that on CNN. Now my brother is being shipped out to Liberia with the army. Why the fuck are we going into Liberia? Are we trying to take over the world?
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Monsoon! [13 Jul 2003|03:32am]
I love the rain in Arizona. The storms here are fucking awesome. I'm going to miss them every summer. The streets turn into flash flooding rivers and the sky cracks and rumbles for hours. Today was the first storm of our monsoon season! Everyone in Tucson is celebrating because we're finally going to be able to put out the aspen fire. I've volunteered to help lay straw and seeds up there next week. Fun manual labor, huh?

Last weekend was awesome. My gf and I got into this huge fight over nothing. It's pretty much because of the whole deal with her not telling her parents about us after three freaking years. I know I shouldn't be upset about it, but it's getting a little bit harder to ignore now. That's not why the weekend was awesome though. My gf, my little sister, and I all went backpacking in Aravaipa Canyon. It's this canyon north of Mammoth, Arizona that has a creek that flows year round. I love it, but my sister bitched the whole way to our camping spot. I don't think she actually realized that the whole point of backpacking is walking and hiking. We ended up leaving a day early because of I under packed our food. I forgot that we were taking my sister. Oops.

On our way out of the canyon we were chased by a large black javelina. That was pretty scary. He just wouldn't go away and kept charging at us grunting and squealing. You don't want mess with those things. He finally went away when I through my fifty pound pack at him.
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[27 Jun 2003|01:42pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | Dar Williams ]

Wanna see my kitty?





I'm too lazy to actually write anything right now so I thought I'd post a picture of my psycho cat. Aww...she's my baby though.

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[26 Jun 2003|01:50pm]
My girlfriend gets this brilliant idea that if we just buy four more birds, so now we have six parakeets (budgies) they will breed faster and I can start my little hand tamed parakeet business that I was totally joking about when that lady guilted us into getting the first bird. I mean, I could totally do it and I could make quite a lot of money doing it, but now we have six budgies and I had to build this huge cage. It's a good thing I am so "butch" when it comes to building things and it only took me about three hours to build this awesome huge aviary, (thank you very much) :) LOL...It's not that great, but I'm pretty proud of it.

I'm very glad that we now have an extra bedroom to keep those things in until we have a yard or balcony. I'm still dreading the day we have to pack them up and head to California. Imagine moving to California with two cats, six birds, an on the verge of death hamster, two full grown (they're tiny) aquatic musk turtles, and two fish. Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
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So this lady rear-ends me last week and she is really nice and seems to be in a hurry so I don't call the police and just take the information she gives me and go home and call my insurance to make a claim. It turns out that she doesn't have any insurance because she let it lapse for two months, so now I can either use my collision and let my insurance go up, while she pays them back, and I am out 500 for my deductible, or I can take her to small claims court and make her pay for it. I would do that if anyone could tell me how to do that. My own insurance company doesn't know how. I don't even have the 500 to do that in the first place.

This freaking sucks, and to top it all off, I lost my drivers license and have to catch the bus down to the DMV to get a new one. Grrrr..

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I am so tired of being treated like a criminal. Have you ever done so much for someone, given up so much for them, given them so much only to have them think that you are taking advantage of them some how? My sister, whom I gave up a year of my life to, spent every penny I had on, did everything I could to make sure she was happy, healthy and got what she needed, thinks that I only look out for my best interest. Yeah, like it was in my best interest as a barely 20 year old to take on the responsibility of parenting a sixteen year old. Right...that is what was in MY best interest. My sister is in a group home now. It was actually her decision to move. I wanted it, but she ultimately decided that she wanted it too. She is now happy, and healthy and has everything she needs that I couldn't give to her.

My stepfather said some pretty horrible things to me. My brother was such a terror growing up in foster care that he ended up spending most of his pre-teen and teen years in prison. My stepfather said that since I put my sister in a group home I must have done it to my brother too. Yeah...somehow at the age of ten, I was responsible for the actions of my younger brother whom I didn't live with.

My sister said in an e-mail to her father that she didn't know he would reply to me without deleting what she wrote, said that she had tried to explain to me what family is, but I just didn't get it. Uhm...okay. I may have grown up without a family, and my own sister doesn't consider me to be part of her family, but I think I know what family "isn't." I seriously don't know what they want or expect from me. I actually think they want me to totally forget that I have a life to look out for too. They want me to just lay down joyfully while they walk all over me and then treat me like a suspect all the time. They think that somehow I've stolen all this money out of my sister's father's bank account. Yeah...I've done this telepathically I guess because my name isn't on his account, I don't have any information about his bank account, I'm so poor right now that I don't even know how I am going to make this months rent, and I can't move to California to go to school yet because I don't even have enough money for the gas to move there. But somehow I've managed to steal all this money and take advantage of them in other ways too. All I want to know is what advantage was there for me to take?

I am so fucking tired. I know I've totally just used my blurty journal as a place to rant and cry and complain about this. You all are probably so tired of reading about my "family" by now.

I've come to this conclusion: I don't need a family. I am not going to sacrifice anymore of myself for those people. I'm done. I am officially an orphan, even though I've been one legally since I was seven. I think I am going to change my name when I move to California. I'm not going to change it dramatically. Maybe I'll just change my first name from Amy to Jaimie. I've always liked Jaimie better than my own name, but then I'd have all these papers and things that say Amy all over them and I'd have to have them all changed and stuff. ERRR...maybe I won't change my name, but I guess I'll have to see.
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ah....my life. Isn't it refreshing? hahahhahahaha....hahahahhahahahaha Just kidding. Sorry for the bitch-fest.
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[19 Jun 2003|04:41pm]
I'm so crazy. Sometimes I think I should be locked up.
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The three dollar lady [07 Jun 2003|03:00pm]
Oh, I forgot to tell you about this chick in my apartment complex. She must be in her forties but she's always wearing pink and has her short orangey hair in pig tales. I'm not sure, but I think she must be a major junky because she's come over to my apartment five or six times asking to borrow three dollars. "I'll pay you back at the beginning of the month" she says every time.

The first time I gave her the three dollars, but she came back five minutes later and knocked wanting six more dollars. I told her I didn't have it and she stood there for a while and I just said bye and closed my door with her still standing there.

When she knocks on your door she knocks like she belongs there. LIke you've known her for a long time. I guess there's really no real polite way to knock if you don't know someone, but she basically knocks loud and continuously until someone answers the door.

She came by again two weeks or so ago and asked for three dollars again. I told her I didn't have it and closed the door.

A week later, so knocks on my door again, but this time I don't answer and wait for her to leave. It takes her ten minutes to leave. She peaks through my windows and keeps knocking. She finally goes away and about half and hour later, my girlfriend, my sister, and her friend come over. I guess the lady was watching to see if anyone came home because she came over and knocked right away, asking for three dollars again, explaining that she'd pay me back at the beginning of the month. Like she paid me back before? Right...It's not the three bucks that bothers me. It's the fact that this women just moved in and she keeps coming over a couple times a week asking for money.

Yesterday I was getting something out of the trunk of my car when she passes me. I smile at her and say hi. She makes it all the way to the mail box area, about a hundred yards from me, when she turns around and walks back to me and asks me for three dollars again.

I can't figure out what is wrong with this lady. This apartment complex is filling up with freaks. When we moved in last year, my girlfriend and I were the only non-Mexicans living here. That didn't bother us at all, but now all these white people are moving here, and all of them have turned out to be freaks. Interesting, but I don't know what to make of it all.
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[07 Jun 2003|02:41pm]
So this guy walks up to me the other day because I was washing my car in one of those wash-them-yourself places and he wants to wash my car for me. He didn't want payment or anything, nor did he look like he was homeless, just some nice clean cut guy that wanted to wash my car for me. I was about to say, sure, but something told me that I shouldn't. He was giving me this vibe that just say Don't trust him. So I told him that I like to wash my own car, and thanked him for his offer.

You'd expect him to go away after this, right? Well he didn't. He just kinda sat down on some bench near the change machine and watched me wash my car.

I was getting really creeped out by the time I was done sudsing my car and really wanted to drive off, but my car was still really soapy and there were tons of people around, so I stayed and finished.

As I was about to jump back in my car and drive away, he asked if I'd give him a ride, and I obviously said no. This seemed to really tick him off. I explained to him that women do not just pick up strange men in their car, especially when they're alone.

"But I'm not a stranger," He said a little too forcefully for me, so I kinda started to get into my car some more when he came over to my side and grabbed my arm.

Any normal girl would scream, but stupid me is curious as to what he really wants. After all he can't really hurt me right there with twenty people around.

Well it turns out he is my girlfriend's ex boyfriend. Apparently he's been "watching" us for a year now.

How fucking creepy is that? I'm not sure if he was trying to scare me, or if he was being honest. I can't decide which is scarier.

I grabbed my cell phone and made sure he saw that I had one. Yah, because a cell phone will scare him away.

My girlfriend dumped this guy for me a little over three years ago, before We were even together. He said that he really loved her and couldn't stand losing her, especially to a girl. I guess that's hard on guy's ego.

"You didn't turn her gay," I said stupidly, trying to calm him down. He started screaming at me that he knew that and that he couldn't turn a girl gay, and then something like if anything it'd be the other way around.

"Do you want to fight me for her or something?" I asked him. There was no way I was gonna fight some guy over my girlfriend, but he just said "no," and walked away. That was it. He just walked away.

I just stood there thinking "What the fuck?" I got in my car with about twelve gallons of adrenaline pumping through my veins. I could barely drive I was so freaked out.

I don't know what to do with that experience. I'll I can say is that I'm so glad I'm moving soon.
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[07 Jun 2003|02:24pm]
Saturdays are great. I'm glad it's Saturday. I get to just sit on my ass all day and not do the things I need to get done all in the excuse that it's Saturday.

My little sister is living in a La Paloma group home for a while now. She will still come over every weekend and every holiday, even when I move to California. We are both Happy about this decision. This way she can be taken care of medically and the group home will make her grow up a little bit.

The only down fall of all of this: My sisters father now thinks I'm this horrible person just after their money, and that it was convenient for me to have Sarah here for me. He actually said that I'm only interested in what is in my best interest.

Really? If that were true, do you think I'd have taken a child only four years younger than me in and try to be a parent to her when she's never had one? Would I have spent all of my financial aid living money on her? Geesh, I'm a monster than. They are both freaked about about this car. I put up half the money for the car, so I think that the car is half mine, logically. Well they seem to foget, or never understood, whichever....that cars decrease in value the very minute you take them home. It's not my fault that the used car I spent 9k on is now only worth 5,500. I've had it for a year and have put about 12k in miles on it, so naturally it would go down.

This family is driving me nuts. If I really wanted to rip them off, I'd have done so a long long time ago, but why in hell would I do that? I'm in defensive mode because, hey what do you do when you've been accused of being a horrible person who is only after someone's money? The only thing I've done is love and care for my sister the best way I can. I hope some day she wakes up and sees what a prick her father is, who didn't contact her for and entire year! He deserves a father of the year plack, don't you think.

I visited Chapman in Orange last week. I bought a blue hooded sweatshirt and a car sticker. I've become one of those school spirited people that I've always made fun of. I want to wear my sweatshirt, but it is summer time in the Arizona Desert....yah, not gonna happen.

I got a jury summons in the mail. I don't want to do jury duty. Serves me right for updating the address on my drivers license when I turned 21. Maybe I'll just postpone it until August and then I'll be living in another state and won't have to go. That's probably illegal though.
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[26 May 2003|10:06am]
Okay so my life is full of drama....again. Lets start with the youngest woman in my life.

My little sister says she wants to move out with her friend R next week. I have no idea why anymore. First she is excited to move to California and now she can't stand the idea of moving because she wants to live better or something like that. Her reasons don't make any sense. She thinks that if she lives with R where she will have to pay rent than she'll live better than she lives with me. One thing I don't understand is she tried to live with this boy for a month before and she hated it, she goes and spends one weekend with him and now she wants to live with him again? In reality she just doesn't want to live with me. I seriously have no idea why. She thinks that I'm stealing her father's money or something. I don't know, but I know that I can't steal money that isn't coming.

She doesn't want to go into foster care, she doesn't want to go back to Egypt, and she doesn't want to live with me. I am legally responsible for her, so I'm not letting her move out with Ross, but what can I do? Pretty much Nothing. I've been calling her father in Egypt for like a month now and No one has answered the phone. I just want to scream I'm so frustrated.

My girlfriend doesn't understand why I get so upset when she goes home, but it's because she totally forgets about me. She goes home to her parents on some weird museum land out in Benson, Arizona for four days and doesn't even email me once. Maybe I'm being mellow dramatic about it, but I just feel so...neglected maybe. She's supposed to love me, right? So if someone loves someone else they would at least write them or call them once or twice in four days. If we had only been together for a little while I'd say whatever, it's not a big deal, but I've been "with" this girl for three years now and was pretty much "with" her for eight months before that, I just didn't know I loved her this way.

Have you ever been in a relationship where you know you love the other person a lot more than they love you? That's how this feels. It's not like I'm smothering her or anything because we are hardly ever home at the same time. When we are home I'd like to hang out and do stuff with her, but she'd rather play some computer game or read a book. I come second to books and computers. I don’t want this entry to turn into an "oh, poor me" thing, but I just don’t know of any other way to write it down. I'm so tired of the passiveness. We don't fight, hardly, but we don't really do any of the other "couple" stuff either. I want to break up with her, but I don't know if I could live without her in my life. I know she won't break up with me. God....I need some freaking therapy, huh? hehe

On another note, my brother, Jesse, who I haven't had any contact with since November because he's psycho and just tells me a bunch of obvious lies and threatens me and my friends regularly has joined the army. I'm very proud of him even though I'm a pacifist, but I really think the military would be so good for my brother. He has so much anger and gets into so much trouble. Eileen, a lady who has been part of my life since I was about 10 said he's been calling and writing to her and that he sounds so much better. I would like to talk to him now, but I feel like that sounds so superficial of me. I only want to talk to my brother when he does something good for himself.... It’s just my entire "family" always screws up and expects me to pick up the pieces, and I've gotten a little tired of being blamed for things out of my control or having people be so angry with me for their own mistakes and now that my brother is getting his own life together and he's taking the initiative to do it, I want to be a part of it I guess. I want my brother in my life, just not like it was before.

I'm going to go wash my car because there is nothing else to do on this freaking holiday
.
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[15 May 2003|10:17pm]
I GOT INTO CHAPMAN Yay!! I'm so excited.
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[12 May 2003|11:56am]
What I want is too much to ask, so I won't. I don't want to hurt her at all, but I just think I'd like a month off as being her "wife" and I don't know maybe date other people. I met her when I was barely 18 and we've pretty much been together ever since. She's the first women I've ever been with. I'm bisexual, but I honestly don't know if I'd ever date another women if we broke up. I don't mean that in a mean, "I'm not queer" way because I am, but I don't know maybe in my own messed up way I just want to make sure what I'm missing. We pretty much aren't a couple anyway.

I don't know, maybe it's having my sister live with us that makes it so hard. She's pretty hard to deal with. She's missed enough days of school to get kicked out of her self-paced alternative school and today she came out of her room at 11:15 and I didn't even know anyone was here. She missed school because she "lost" her bus pass and we were all sleeping. She wakes me up the other morning to tell me what some guy said to her on the Internet the night before. She calls me Sunday morning at 6:30 because she's bored and she's on her way to work, yet she can't wake me up to tell me that she needs a dollar to get to school or ask me last night. I'm so freaking tired of dealing with her crap. You know....she's going to be 17 on Friday and she can't even get her ass to school when that is the ONLY rule I have for her.

Rules:
1. You must attend every school day unless you are seriously ill
things that don't count as seriously ill:
-you're tired
-sore throat
-hungry
-you have no money
-you want to go to work instead
-you didn't finish your work, etc....

I don't think that's too much to ask of her, but apparently it is. I seriously don't know what I am going to do with her. My stepfather's bank account is overdrawn and I have a total of three hundred dollars to my name right now, yet she still bitches and complains that she needs to be "more comfortable." I have no idea what she thinks comfort is exactly. She has enough food to eat. She has nice clothes to wear, cable TV, the Internet, air conditioning, etc... She's got everything she wants but she thought she'd be living more "comfortable" when she came here. She's said that since the first day she lived with me and even during Christmas time when she got EVERYTHING she wanted. I don't know. I've given up. We aren't supposed to be in a guardian-child relationship anymore, yet she still wants me to get up at 1:00Am to give her rides because she decided that she doesn't actually want to spend the night at R's house, she just wanted to party. She wants me to come get her after work EVERYDAY because I've done it a few times and she doesn't want to take the bus. So basically she wants to do all the parent types things except give her rules and guidelines, but I'm not doing that.

I don't know how this turned into a bitch about my sister entry, but apparently that's what it is. My girlfriend really doesn't like her living with us anymore than I do, but I have no other choice. It's quite funny actually. My sister complains about her pothead friends all the time. She's always like "how would you feel if someone did this to you" and it's always right after she's done the exact same thing to me. Like the other week, she called me at 12:30 one weekday night to come and get her and I did. I drove across town to where her friends live and went to where I was supposed to pick her up only she wasn't there. I called her cell, it was turned off. I drove to one friends house where I thought'd she'd be, she wasn't, so I drove to R's house, she wasn't there. I drove to M's house she wasn't there. I drove back to the place where she was supposed to be, she wasn't there. I drove around looking for her for 45 minutes, calling her every five minutes and then I gave up, pissed off, and went home. She called me about half an hour after I got home and was like "sorry" R and I decided to go here instead, can you come get me here. I was steaming by then. I said no and left her there to spend the night. Oh and she called me from her work yesterday and asked me to come pick her up and I said that I was busy right then and couldn't come for a little while, so she got pissed off and hung up on me. Her excuse was "I'm tired and not in the mood." Not in the mood for what? For me not to jump every time she lifts her pretty little finger? Okay, I just realized that I'm a little more angry with my sister than I thought. Having her here puts a lot of unneeded stress on me, but I have no other option. If I put her in foster care, she'd hate me for life and I'd have a record with CPS so when I go to adopt a child, I can't. What have I gotten myself into??? I can't wait until she is 18, has her own car and is out of my hair. Doesn't that sound evil. Gosh, I'm evil. I know it's hard living with any teenager, but GRRRRR. I just want to scream, kick people's shins and pull my hair out a lot of the time. I was telling my girlfriend the other night that something really good better be in store for me in the future, otherwise I went through everything I did for no reason what-so-ever. There probably was no point to it, but it's nice to threaten to kick someone's ass if nothing happens. I don't know...but I've got to go drive my little sister to work because she lost her bus pass and apparently she couldn't ask for a dollar or two this morning for SCHOOL!!!!
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women..... [11 May 2003|08:09am]
So this weekend has been fun (note the sarcasm). I think my girlfriend of three years and I are going to break up, mostly because of me I guess. I just can't handle that she never tells me anything. ANYTHING. Even stupid stuff like how her day was, besides "fine." She doesn't share anything with me, but I tell her everything even that I thought my professor smelled bad that day or something stupid like that. I want to tell her everything that happens to me because I want her to be a part of everything with me, but she doesn't want the same. I have to pretty much beg her to tell me anything. So I've been pissed about that for a while. I've been bringing it up for about a year now, but still....nothing.

Oh...and my girlfriend likes to "out" me to people I'm not out to. She outed me to all my friends that I wanted to talk to about it individually so they wouldn't feel like I was keeping it from them or something. She expects me to go to these parties from people from her work, but I'm just going to be known as Deirdre's girlfriend and usually I'm okay with that, but I'm a little tired of being known as somebody's somebody. She's open and out to the people she just meets and haven't met me before, but not to the people whose opinion really matter. Nobody in her family knows, and none of her really close friends know, yet she is adamant that she doesn't care if any of those people know. So here is why I am bringing all of that up. Friday night she begged me to go to this party that her friend from like kindergarten on up invited us to. I didn't want to go but said that I'd drive her and come back and get her as soon as it was over. Well when we got there she got all pissed because I wouldn't come in and just slammed the door and left. A few feet from the car group of her friends saw her and started talking to her. I didn't move my car yet because someone was blocking the way out. Well they asked
"Who's in the car?"
Her response "Oh, that's Amy."
"Amy?"
"My roommate."

And right after we had the argument about how she's not out to her friends yet she outs me to mine...yadda yadda yadda. That did it. I was so pissed off. We had an argument the night before about how she expects me to go to these parties her friends from work throw where she outs me by association and I'm only going to be known as Deirdre's girlfriend especially because there is another woman there named Amy. So I never want to go and she gets pissed at me, which I could understand if it weren't two sided like it is.

Well after that party incident I came back and got her and went home and went to bed. I didn't say anything to anyone because I didn't feel like it. The next morning she is all cuddly with me--which she thinks makes everything better. I just let her and thought we'd talk about it later. Well around 11 Am, I go and take a bath and she comes in sits on the toilet seat next to the tub and starts to talk to me about stupid stuff like what do I want for lunch or something like that. Finally I told her that I was still angry with her about the night before and for the other stuff we didn't talk about fully yet. She got really angry and after about five minutes of me trying to explain the way I felt she started screaming at me. I don't mean she just raised her voice. I mean full on, tantrum throwing, four octaves higher than normal screaming. I yelled at her to get out and she did but on her way she was flailing or something and hit me in the face. I guess she either didn't notice or didn't care that she actually hit me and left. A few seconds later she came back in yelling something about how I just twist things around so I'll be right, which normally she's probably right, but this time I didn't. I was just telling her how I felt. How is telling someone how you feel twisting things so you're right? I got up and pushed the bathroom door closed and locked it.

I didn't actually get the chance to wash myself in my bath but got out anyway and put some clothes on and went to bed. This is how I avoid life--sleeping. Well I wake up a few hours later and Deirdre's done laundry including mine "I do chores when I'm upset" is what she said, but that's the first time she's ever done chores, but whatever. Well she throws some really crumpled destroyed pieces of paper at me and they turn out to be my drivers license, which was fine, my bank card which wasn't, my social security card which wasn't, and some dollar bills that had been in my pants pocket-- the pocket that buttons on the side of my leg, I'm sure you know those kind of pants. That was fine whatever, but then I asked her for my debit card because I kept them in the same pocket. She said she didn't see it and went back to the laundry room to check. Well to make a longer story shorter she lost my debit card which means everything I had planned to do this weekend that involved money I can't.

She went to a party a few hours after that and I was supposed to go to a party with two of my friends for one of their birthdays. I couldn't go because I had no money to get into the club or anything like that. Now I can't buy my little sister her birthday present online for next week because I don't have my debit card. I can't even go to the fucking ATM for like three weeks. But does this stop my girlfriend from going out and having fun herself? Nope. She doesn't care, which usually okay, I'd get over it, but because of these last few days I can't. I'm still not entirely sure she didn't "lose" my debit card on purpose or ruin my social security card (which is this fragile piece of paper you're not allowed to laminate. The US is stupid sometimes...a lot of the times).

Now I don't know what to do. I figure three years is a lot of time to waste on someone who isn't giving back as much as you're giving out, especially when I'm still young. I'm so fucking pissed of and upset about this whole thing because I love my girlfriend but I can't stay in a relationship like this. I can't move to another city where I don't know anyone else and have it be like this.

Well I guess I'm done bitching...for now ;)
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