I miss you

The train whistles loudly
but the sound is not as clear as it was
every time we were in its midst
watching it pass and light up the snow
in that dark tunnel that very few people know

The road is still short between your house and mine
but its dimmer without you at the end of it
I still travel the asphalt
but the regularity of it has faded
and your absence makes it jaded

My car is still the one I had
but its different without you driving it
The distance between here and there
seems much further without you
and the trips i make within the day have become very few

I miss your presence
for what it was worth
not for what it wasn't.

You were my home, and I drove you back to yours.

Well, I've planned a trip to Colorado for next month... it's very unorganized and last minute, but the best trips always are. I need to get away, go somewhere far away with people I barely know for a little while. This weekend was one of extreme realization. I always thought that you were the problem, YOU hurt me. Well come to find out, although you may have hurt me first, I hurt you more. I feel terrible that this is how things actually came to end. Had we just forgotten one another when everything fell apart, much heartache and deception could have been avoided. But we didn't, we held on and squeezed every bit of love out of one another, and all that is left now are two empty sponges that need just to be thrown away. I'm sorry, so so so fucking sorry. I may fall asleep thinking about you for the rest of my life, and I'm okay with that. It's done now... no more bruises or shattered puzzle pieces. Everything will fall into place now, everything in its right place.

...at the desk. It has been a long weekend. Actually, it's been a long three months. School has been incredibly overwhelming, and I just decided to take on a second job. I think it's a good thing, I need to get out of my apartment more... feel productive. I've been in this constant state of emotional exhaustion, like I'm always on the edge of an emotional cliff... one step, and I'm gone. I've spent a little time with Nick, which probably isn't helping my situation at all.. I don't want to elaborate on that subject, it's better left forgotten. Flagstaff is just beginning (or continuing I suppose) to be a very hard place to live. I don't know what it is about it. It's certainly not the location... I've grown to love the mountains, and if I didn't wake up to the peaks every morning I would have many more problems. It's not the people, I have a lot of people I care about here. But then again, a lot of people I care about live really far from me.... so maybe it's the lack of people. I want to go to Colorado.

Music and another night in. Certainly not a bad thing....

Coming up on three months in my apartment, and the summer's coming to a end. I can't say that I'm unhappy about that. This summer was everything I wanted it to be. Fully equipped with living with good conversation, beautiful weather, and an adventure to Colorado. I was worried coming into the summer with everyone two hours away and Lauren moving in with me after a year of seperation due to college. I was going to be working full time at a drab office and just about everyone I knew went home for the summer. It snowed the first week, "shit, what did I get myself into?" So, what did I get myself into?


It was a great time, I tell you. One hell of a summer.

Deer Tick and exhaustion.

I don't write anymore.

I should. Life has been going fairly well. I am having a really hard time deciding what to do next year. I think I should stay here. I'm on my own, and I'm succeeding, I don't think I should give up just yet.

Having a moment. It's been awhile since I've had a bad one, I was even beginning to think I might be completely over it. No such luck. I still miss you, I know the feelings are mutual. Its the hardest thing to know whole heartedly that you aren't right for me, that you have done nothing to deserve my respect, yet still want to have your hand to hold....your chest to lay on, your hugs, your lips, your fucking everything. lkasfhkjlhfadishjd. Lame.

i want to get out of this city
i want to live where i have something more to look at then desert, even if it does provide the most breath taking sunsets and mezmerizing stars
i want to travel the world without a destination
i want more time to read
i want music
i want love that i can't handle
i want less responsibility, not to be irresponsible, but to feel actual freedom
i want to touch land that has never been touched before
i want live in a place where i dont know the language
i want to be lost and not care
i want instability
i want fresh air
i want trees that have been around for thousands of years
i want fall
i want seasons
i want wisdom
i want things unattainable, but within reach


Growth?...absolutely.

I loved you, I loved you so much. Maybe thats why I still hold on, maybe thats why I havent left yet. I LOVED you. I never could have imagined being with anyone else, and honestly I still can't. but none of this stops me from feeling a tremendous amount of distance growing between us. Arguments slowly evolved from never to always and smiles evolved from always to rarely. I mean we smile, but its not the same, we touch, but its not the same, we love, but its not the same. Its not your fault though, you've been trying so hard and have grown so much and I appreciate that, I LOVE that. yet I can't escape the feeling that something is gone. Maybe its just my mind set, or maybe I've just adopted your pesimism (unfortunately not long after you adopted my optimism). I dont know. I want things to go back to how they were. I want to be WHO we were, but i feel like we can't. Maybe you're right and I just to to try. And I WILL try, but for how long? I'm worried.

i want to get out of this city
i want to live where i have something more to look at then desert, even if it does provide the most breath taking sunsets and mezmerizing stars
i want to travel the world without a destination
i want more time to read
i want music
i want love that i can't handle
i want less responsibility, not to be irresponsible, but to feel actual freedom
i want to touch land that has never been touched before
i want live in a place where i dont know the language
i want to be lost and not care
i want instability
i want fresh air
i want trees that have been around for thousands of years
i want fall
i want seasons
i want wisdom
i want things unattainable, but within reach

I finally feel like my mind is clear, yet I'm slipping in society. Fuck society and it's images and standards.

You're strange, and I like it.

I've had this journal for almost two years now and I've only written 14 entries, 15 counting this one. Maybe that's because I know that anyone can read this, and i feel like my actual journal gives me much more privacy, which it does, but at the same time it's kind of intriguing to know that someone may read this. that even though these thoughts are personal, you don't know me so it doesn't really matter anyway, maybe you could get something out of it. i dont really know. i went back and read the last entries and none of them are very interesting their either lyrics or about an old friend, but nothing like my written journal, nothing that really is about me, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my dreams. It's all just pointless venting because of my fear of it being read, but like i said maybe thats a good thing. like the perks of being a wallflower, you know, that i'm not just writing to myself, but someone, except not anyone in particular. if you are reading this i hope you know that you shouldn't feel like you're invading my privacy, because I appreciate you taking the time to read about a complete stranger.




as for whats going on in my life, its nothing too special. i just finished my first week of work at camp and i absolutely love it. theres something about little kids that i just can't get enough of. I think its how they look at life. they're so innocent and everything is a new learning experience for them. i love watching them learn and grow and it really brings back memories of my childhood (not that its over considering im only 16 but still) and how i did the same things they do. they're so amazing and love so much. i don't really dont know how to explain it, other than it's amazing. as for everything else its all good right now. emma loves school and im glad because that means that she might actaully follow through with something. its so hard seeing her fail, but i have a really good feeling about this. shes finally persuing her career, and shes meeting a lot of awsome people at kholer. i'm happy for her. summer program is soon..less than 20 days!! i'm so excited. i'm really nervous though about flying there. and finding my way around by myself. but i'll figure things out, i really dont have much of a choice. me and corey have been talking, which is a little weird but i like it. i want to see him him, but im a little worried about things being awkward considering...and david is in new york. that whole situation is really weird and awkward too. he's acting like he wants to be with me and i don't really know how to approach the situation. we're friends, good friends and thats all i want to be with him. i've known him way to long. whatever....everything will sort itself out, it always does.

phone calls: ignored
messages: read
talks: avoided

i miss you asshole.

why did you have to change?

I am in desperate need of change. I wish I could just show up at school a completely different person, but I keep convincing myself that I can't. It's really hard to redefine yourself when you're around people you've known for the better part of your life. I used to be different, more fun loving and outgoing, and approachable. I'm not anymore. I know that I can really easily change my attitude but thats easier said then done i guess. But this is marking a beginning. I'm actually going to try, because if I dont change something soon I'm going to drive myself nuts. alright.

Why are you suddenly not there anymore.
It was like one day you just decided that our friendship isnt worth the struggle.
I was ALWAYS there for you and in the time I need you most, you're gone.

thanks.


and as much as I try not to, I still love and care about you more than words could ever discribe. Just come back I need you.

wow. you're some fucking best friend. first you don't answer my phone calls all day when i needed a friend because my mom was in the hospital, so i figure you're at work or spending time with your family because its christmas, just like i always make excuses for you. then i find out you're asking my sister out and to have sex but oh that was okay beacuse you were "too fucked up to remember" and of course you tell her not to tell me. and then you continue the conversation in the morning....get the fucking hint she doesnt want to talk to you. i've put up with your bullshit for long enough. FUCK OFF.

today is simply amazing.

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness


Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And polverize and derrange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along
Until the very ending


Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in


Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go


Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From chains and shackles that they're in
From the chains and shackles that they're in


Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all