I've had this journal for almost two years now and I've only written 14 entries, 15 counting this one. Maybe that's because I know that anyone can read this, and i feel like my actual journal gives me much more privacy, which it does, but at the same time it's kind of intriguing to know that someone may read this. that even though these thoughts are personal, you don't know me so it doesn't really matter anyway, maybe you could get something out of it. i dont really know. i went back and read the last entries and none of them are very interesting their either lyrics or about an old friend, but nothing like my written journal, nothing that really is about me, my thoughts, my feelings, my desires, my dreams. It's all just pointless venting because of my fear of it being read, but like i said maybe thats a good thing. like the perks of being a wallflower, you know, that i'm not just writing to myself, but someone, except not anyone in particular. if you are reading this i hope you know that you shouldn't feel like you're invading my privacy, because I appreciate you taking the time to read about a complete stranger.




as for whats going on in my life, its nothing too special. i just finished my first week of work at camp and i absolutely love it. theres something about little kids that i just can't get enough of. I think its how they look at life. they're so innocent and everything is a new learning experience for them. i love watching them learn and grow and it really brings back memories of my childhood (not that its over considering im only 16 but still) and how i did the same things they do. they're so amazing and love so much. i don't really dont know how to explain it, other than it's amazing. as for everything else its all good right now. emma loves school and im glad because that means that she might actaully follow through with something. its so hard seeing her fail, but i have a really good feeling about this. shes finally persuing her career, and shes meeting a lot of awsome people at kholer. i'm happy for her. summer program is soon..less than 20 days!! i'm so excited. i'm really nervous though about flying there. and finding my way around by myself. but i'll figure things out, i really dont have much of a choice. me and corey have been talking, which is a little weird but i like it. i want to see him him, but im a little worried about things being awkward considering...and david is in new york. that whole situation is really weird and awkward too. he's acting like he wants to be with me and i don't really know how to approach the situation. we're friends, good friends and thats all i want to be with him. i've known him way to long. whatever....everything will sort itself out, it always does.

phone calls: ignored
messages: read
talks: avoided

i miss you asshole.

why did you have to change?

I am in desperate need of change. I wish I could just show up at school a completely different person, but I keep convincing myself that I can't. It's really hard to redefine yourself when you're around people you've known for the better part of your life. I used to be different, more fun loving and outgoing, and approachable. I'm not anymore. I know that I can really easily change my attitude but thats easier said then done i guess. But this is marking a beginning. I'm actually going to try, because if I dont change something soon I'm going to drive myself nuts. alright.

Why are you suddenly not there anymore.
It was like one day you just decided that our friendship isnt worth the struggle.
I was ALWAYS there for you and in the time I need you most, you're gone.

thanks.


and as much as I try not to, I still love and care about you more than words could ever discribe. Just come back I need you.

wow. you're some fucking best friend. first you don't answer my phone calls all day when i needed a friend because my mom was in the hospital, so i figure you're at work or spending time with your family because its christmas, just like i always make excuses for you. then i find out you're asking my sister out and to have sex but oh that was okay beacuse you were "too fucked up to remember" and of course you tell her not to tell me. and then you continue the conversation in the morning....get the fucking hint she doesnt want to talk to you. i've put up with your bullshit for long enough. FUCK OFF.

today is simply amazing.

You say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
Maybe just some roadside scene that we're driving past
There's no telling where we'll be in a day or in a week
And there's no promises of peace or of happiness


Well is this why you cling to every little thing
And polverize and derrange all your senses
Maybe life is a song but you're scared to song along
Until the very ending


Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From the chains and shackles that they're in


Oh, tell me what good is saying that you're free
In a dark and storming sea
You're chained to your history, you're surely sinking fast
You say that you know that the good Lord's in control
He's gonna bless and keep your tired and oh so restless soul
But at the end of the day when every price has been paid
You're gonna rise and sit beside him on some old seat of gold
And won't you tell me why you live like you're afraid to die
You'll die like you're afraid to go


Oh, it's time to let go of everything we used to know
Ideas that strengthen who we've been
It's time to cut ties that won't ever free our minds
From chains and shackles that they're in
From the chains and shackles that they're in


Well life is a dream 'cause we're all walking in our sleep
You could see us stand in lines like we're dead upon our feet
And we build our house of cards and then we wait for it to fall
Always forget how strange it is just to be alive at all

i just got off of the phone with my best friend of two years. we havent really talked in months and it's finally feeling like everything is going back to normal. i'm so glad because the way things were going wasn't working for me. let's just cross our fingers things will continue to get better. i need better right now.

Your [inside] lingo had me at hello

The last few months I have been living with this couple
Yeah, you know, the kind that buy everything in doubles...they fit together like a puzzle.
I love their love and I am thankful that someone actually
receives the prize that was promised by all those fairy tales that drugged us
And they still do me. I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy
Will my number come up eventually? Like Love is some kind of lottery
where you can scratch and see what is underneath. It's sorry
just one cherry, play again. get lucky.