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Thursday, June 8th, 2006
3:14 pm - for stumblers, passers-by
i have moved and neglected this old home full of shadows.

there is a blog there. and much, much happier things than this can offer.

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Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
11:50 pm
college is hard....

i'm having a hard time in general.

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Friday, August 19th, 2005
5:44 pm - less than two weeks....
I realize I haven't update very often this summer. The truth is, there's less and less to update about.

Ches left for school. I've already cried and wrote about it so there's not much point doing it again.

I'm still completely unprepared for school. Completely. Haven't bought anything but a laptop and printer.

Lindsay will be over in a few minutes. I have time to kill.

I've been reading a lot lately (what else to do?) and still wishing I was a writer.

I don't write that much anymore. I do see a point right now. I don't have any creative writing classes for the first semester anyway. I'll always be a compulsive journaler but no more short stories or poetry or half-attempted novellas. Just fragments of thought scribbled down. Ah well.

I really need to leave this town and pursue the mission of Starting a Life. I'm vapid pretty much. Vacant.

Will write more later, perhaps.

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Monday, July 25th, 2005
7:19 pm - hail to the voters
tonight i will go to wal mart. to get milk. to get laundry detergent. to get the new harry potter book.

i'm excited. i'm reading the god of small things by arundhati roy. i must return many books to the library tomorrow. blah blah. i sound like somebody tentatively writing in english for the first time.


i'm chopping my hair off, by the way. the day after kate's wedding. short short. very carrie bradshawesque. but i'm going to straighten it. i swear i will. it is time for me to Make An Effort For Once.

blargh. i was in traverse for a week and i only spent $150. am i losing my zest for materialism? or are the stores just showing ugly clothes right now? It is that whole end of summer season drag i despise. i love fall.

mmmmm. fall. to drink chai tea beneath a plaid blanket reading greedily. to gaze at a chilled river with a yellow moon broken in it. to be skeletal. to be necessary. to be new.

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Sunday, July 24th, 2005
1:01 am - home again.
two minutes before midnight.

i was in traverse city for a bit more than a week with lindsay and her parents, like we do every year. it was very relaxing and comfortable and full of sun and shopping.

now that i'm back things seem different. people seem smaller. rib cages closer together when i hug. skirts hung looser across hips as they walk.

after one week, my friends and family seem misshapen. different.

what are they going to look like after months of college? after months of verb conjugation and poem memorization and art slides and dance steps.

will i even recognize anyone?


i don't know.

oh, bams on. i love bam. bam and arundhati roy. that'd be an interesting dinner party.

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Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
9:44 am - i know that we're going to be friends - the white stripes
that song reminds me of walking to school with my sisters when i was little, wearing my plaid jumper ordered from j.c. penney and my saddle shoes. pigtails. the whole cliche schoolgirl scenario.

well not much has been going on. i rise every morning and decide not to, i pick up a book and read until noon. i make lunch for my little sisters and send them off to play. and then i read some more. finally, most days, i shower and throw my hair up and try to manage matching an outfit together. i wait for chester to get home from work. i watch a movie (today it was vanity fair which was excruciating. although reese is beautiful, the movie is a bore. ugh. and i love early 19th century fashion, too.).

anyway, once i'm with ches my life is fun again and i'm actually speaking, rather than characters in novels and rented movies.

i went to his cottage for a while which was beautiful and relaxing and amazing, but i already wrote about it and i don't want to here. all you need to know is that i'm back and tan.

we talked about the whole long-distance thing which is already eating me up. swallowing me whole, more like. i know it's a necessary issue to converse over but i just can't. won't. am not able to. i just want to be young and together forever. why can't the world allow that?

and i know i'm 18 and it's silly to feel like you know what the future holds. but right now i feel the future holds us, and i want us to be able to see each other whenever we want.


i have six seasons of sex and the city. i wish i was carrie but i think i'll always be a charlotte. need proof? you just read it.

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Friday, July 22nd, 2005
9:44 am - Jezebel, by iron and wine
After many hours of uninterrupted boredom, Chester returns today on Loblolly in Rogers City.


My life is quite dismal when experienced alone.

Okay guys, I need advice (that means if you ARE reading this, you must comment. Otherwise, I'll know that nobody reads this). U of M contacted me because AOL/WB is making this online reality series pilot, which might but probably won't air on the WB. Anyway, it's about my first semester at the U of M and blah blah...

anyway, i'd get 16 weeks of pay and I'd be on the net...but I don't know. I have to like submit a video of myself talking...and...well, it's all a lot of awkwardness.

what should i do?

other than that, i should go shower and whatnot so i can actually look decent for chester. it's hot out. dang it. why can't it just be fall yet?

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Monday, June 20th, 2005
8:31 pm - Go blue?
Hey avid readers.

I'm at the U of M in Ann Arbor right now, in a computer lab. I finished my class schedule about half an hour ago so I have some extra time to kill. I wish I could download msn to talk to my friends. but i can't. i have to be here pretending to be working on....homework.

anyway, wanna hear my classes?

Intensive Spanish, Advanced
Lit, Phil., and the Vis. Arts in Classic Modernism: Picasso, Nietzche, Eliot
Arts and Ideas of the 19th Century

Yes, that's right. I only have three classes. My spanish class is 8 credits though. I tested out of the requirement all but one semester, so once I finish up Span i can take some really amazing (like #1 in the country) lang programming classes, like "Hispanic Authors of the 20th century." stuff like that. then i can take french next year.

anyway, i only have three classes, but they equal 16 credits (which is actually above the recommended limit).

needless to say, I'm going to be overloaded. I'll love it.

I love Ann Arbor and I'll be home tomorrow around 3:30. yay, call me up.

I'm going out to weird indie movies tonight with new, urban friends.

hehehe. much love amigos,


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Thursday, May 19th, 2005
3:53 pm - humor me and tell me lies...
go to baccalaureate. go to the zip-a-dee-doo. go to go to school. go to the library.

go throw eggs at the principal's house.

other than that....i'm having fun. not much time to update. we're getting new floors and we're painting our walls. i love change.

american baby, me, you.

time to go! much love! anyone out there?

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Friday, May 13th, 2005
3:09 pm - my life without people
I had one friend in high school,
recently he hung himself with string.
His note said, ‘If living is the problem,
well, that’s just baffling.’
And at the wake I waited around
to see my ex first love,
and I barely recognized her,
but I knew exactly what she was thinking of.

We sat quietly in the corner,
whispering close about loss.
And I remembered why I loved her,
and I asked her why I drove her off.

She said, “The slow fade of love,
its soft edge might cut you
and our poor friend Jim, well, he just lived within
the slow fade of love.”

A woman calls my house once a week,
she’s always selling things.
Some charity, a phone plan,
or subscription to a magazine.
And as I turned her down (I always do),
there was something trembling in her voice.
I said, ‘Hey, what troubles you?’

She said, “I’m surprised you noticed.
Well, my husband, he’s leaving,
and I can’t convince him to stay.
And he’ll take our daughter with him,
she wants to go with him anyway.
I’m sorry I’m hard to live with,
living is the problem for me.
I’m selling people things they don’t want,
when I don’t know what she needs.
He said, ‘The slow fade of love,
and its mist might choke you.
It’s my gradual descent into a life I never meant.
It’s the slow fade of love.”

I was driving south from Melrose.
I happened upon my old lover’s old house.
I found myself staring at the closed up door
like the day she threw me out.
“Diana, Diana. Diana, I would die for you.
I’m in love with you completely,
I’m afraid that’s all I can do.”

She said, “You can sleep upon my doorstep,
you can promise me indifference, Jim.
but my mind is made up,
and I’ll never let you in again.
For the slow fade of love.
it might hit you from below.
It’s your gradual descent into a life you never meant.
It’s the slow fade of love.”

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Thursday, May 12th, 2005
5:57 pm
i think i'm hollow. such pretty eyes with nothing behind them. when did i become thoughtless? i have no inspiration lest i make it alone. when did i become complacent and content? when did i become satisfied? i am just a carved shell with frills along the edges. watch my hands do as they are.

i think i am hollow. silly, silly girl of mediocracy. look, you have locked yourself in a soft, ivory cage full of fright and silence. do a dance for me please, everyday. laugh for us. such pretty eyes you have. you must see things differently. do you?

no i do not. i am just some skin with rouge on my cheeks. i look lively. but no, i am a doll of porcelain and paint. such resemblance to intelligence i possess. such passion that flecks off my golden hair. i will dance for you and laugh.

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Saturday, May 7th, 2005
6:31 pm - 'cause ev'rybody...dies
found a new band: rilo kiley. very strange sounding. and i love it.

it's been such a busy week! let me update over some cold pizza.

i had two AP tests (Lang and Lit) and my college exams. i also had a test in ap gov. i have my AP gov test on wednesday. other than that, i've been a little ball of stress for the past five days. and now, i'm just going to let it go. it's over. one more exam to go, and i don't even have to take a gov. class at college, so the 4 or 5 doesn't count anyway. i'm just going to let it go.

ches is away since thursday until mondayish, he's transporting a boat from downstate to here for phil jordan. he gets paid to do what he loves. i wish somebody gave me five bucks for each page i read. that would be nice. anyway, he's gone. and that makes me sad, but i'm doing okay. it's been almost....two days. hahaha.

yesterday i went to katie's house and julie and rebecca came over and we watched beauty and the beast. rather, it was the soundtrack to our conversation. it was so fun and juvenile and i loved it. everybody did. it's nice to hang out with katie, i never really do anymore. and she's my best friend. so that was fun.

today i went to a victorian tea with lindsay. we got all dressed up and ate little chocolates and scones and sandwiches. she played classical piano for about half an hour. she's so good at piano, i always forget. but she's definitely the best piano player i've heard in a long time. she's giving me lessons this summer! i'm excited.

in case if forgot to update, i am going to be one of the commencement speakers at graduation. britton and I will both be speaking. it should be a grand time.

and my grad party is the day of graduation, apparently. my dad is calling the city to see if we can use the city beach for my party. and my mom's hiring donny hartman or a jazz band that plays at the bars on saturdays. i don't know. i told them they can do whatever, i dont' have time to plan.

other than that, sitting here listening to my folkish music, wishing i had a clean room and a cat to pet. ever get that?

i have six blank canvases and not a thought in my head as to what to paint. i need inspiration and summertime.

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Thursday, April 28th, 2005
8:07 am
sorry for that rather staccato entry earlier.

i am much better now.

anyway, i never updated about prom. how silly of me, michael.

prom was so much fun! that's really an understatement, though. let's see...beforehand nine of us went to lindsay's and took pics. the limos came and we drove to lewiston (which i think is by gaylord?) to eat at this restaurant. it was like a big log cabin in the middle of the woods. i had a tuna melt (that's what i always get when i eat out), it was quite delicious. then we drove back to alpena for the dance. ches actually danced with me! like...swing style. it was so fun! people took pictures of us. we were famous. haha. oh, i forgot to mention, it was a blizzard outside. feet of snow on prom night. surreality was everyone's date. after the dance, we hopped over to ches' car, he borrowed his mama's audi. the windshield wipers were broken...but we fixed them. we drove out to darrin suneson's cottage in black river/lake?. a bunch of our mutual friends were there, we just chatted about and had a good time. then we slept. when we woke up there was still snow outside and we went to big boy. all 20 of us, and had breakfast. belgian waffles. so good!

and that is the remainder of my prom night.

that link should take you to some pictures of the night.

talk to you all later!

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Tuesday, April 26th, 2005
9:32 pm - Detroit to Windsor, Windsor to Montreal
Ches told McGill he will be attending next fall.

Ever feel completely void of abilities to express yourself? I have that right now.

I feel:
*happy because he finally decided where he's going
*sad because I'll never see him
*selfish for always thinking about how it'll affect me
*inadequate because i was his incentive for ann arbor, which he declined
*excited because we're both going to meet so many people
*scared because i don't know if i can do things without him
*stupid because i'm immature and being selfish

and so many other things

i know it's not a big deal to a lot of people out there. i know most couples break up before college. but we want to be different. we want to stay together. or atleast i do. am i silly for thinking we'd be able to? we're going to be so far apart. do i matter that much to him?

i don't know what to say. i don't even know how i feel yet.

i really thought that i would be enough for him to go to umich. but i know he'll be happier at mcgill. i know he's going to succeed and be happy there. happier than in ann arbor, even if he is with me.

i feel alone. alone in thought. alone in body. alone for five more years.

i'm being selfish. but i can't help it. i just want everything to work out.

i want to be able to fix everything.

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Tuesday, April 12th, 2005
9:44 pm - clams suck.
food poisoning from the couryard. clam languini. it was so good, too. okay, so i just got a cool idea for what to do this summer:

Smart Girls Book Club

divided into age groups: 1st and 2nd grades, 3rd and fourth, 5th and 6th, 7th and 8th, 9th/10th, 11, 12, pre-college.

anyway, split them up into age groups and pick age-appropriate literature to discuss on. story time for the "littler" ones. and then, composition and analysis (to follow the selected literature). i have it all worked out...i don't feel like explaining. anyway, i have to meet with mrs. werner, ms. shultz, lori vought, the shoe, and the public librarian to see what can be done.

it's exciting! you should join.

oh, and i'm trying out for commencement speaker i think. can i do that? maybe i'll have something of worth to say. hopefully.

and i dont' think i'm taking the internship with the alpena news. zzzzzzzzz, ya know?

oh, and i'm doing a booth at art on the bay with janel dziesinski. selling totes, purses, jewelry, designed shoes, paintings, etc. cash money money. i love it.

ms. sunrise side is at alcona high school on saturday at 7 p.m. $12. it should be fun. i may have a cheering section.

okay, time to go. i might go throw up now. and i loved clams so much.

download "ingots" by kaki king; she plays the soundtrack to my life.


p.s. i still can't find my u of m info....i have no room yet! haha. ciao, bellos.

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Tuesday, April 5th, 2005
10:08 pm

eating chicken with way too much hot sauce on it. my father...well, his stepmom is a navajo indian. that's it.

i lost my u of m "uniqname" meaning, i can't register for housing or anything. blargh. lovely. i want to see who my roommate is and all that.

oh yes, by the way, it's u of m for sure. i didn't get in to wellesley or barnard. i got wait-listed at smith and middlebury...and i don't really want to go to a school that isn't sure if i'm smart enough (b/c i'm definitely not smart enough i've realized) and plus, by the time i get in all the scholarships and aid will be gone. and i got a full scholarship to michigan and it's a great school and oh well.

so ann arbor.

other than that, spring break was a blast and i love it. and i have a horrendous cold. it won't exeunt. ha. shakespeare. and actually, i'm loving the AP Lit's Hamlet. and Latin II's Ovid poetry...very clever stuff.

sorry for the incessant nerdiness.

prom! i have my dress.

did i say i have a myspace account? my username's mymostfavorite. if that helps.

okay, time for bed i think. oasis is sold out in detroit. humbug.

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Monday, March 14th, 2005
7:53 am
okay, so sorry for that long passage. i had to write it for creative writing and i decided to actually save my work and put it on here. ha. anyway, i updated after that, but i suppose it is lost somewhere in cyber space. i hate it when that happens. i have a paper due in ethics today that i haven't even started. i hate my life. i'm running late for school. aghh....mondays.

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Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
9:40 pm

The landscape was the picture of serenity, mostly. The tall lamps birthed a beamy fluorescent light to the clipped, sprawling lawn and the echoing cobblestone walkways that lied, stationary, between the two tall rows of dull shrubbery. A half moon strewed its blue-gray streams upon the scene and there we were, among the earthen pearls, stumbling.
I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, she was licking her lips and brushing her bangs aside. With a jolting tilt of her chin, “Samantha, mi amor, tell me what it is you are thinking. Right now. I mean, tell me what you are thinking now. No demand. I mean,” she paused, “what is in your head?”
“I was just admiring the scenery. Hey Blanca, we’re never going to get home,” I hurriedly groaned. “We still have to walk all the way down the path and up the stairs and down our hall—”
“—And then we may sleep. And it will be glorious, like Baroque; why is it your favorite? So creepy with dead Jesus everywhere.”
“Why can’t you speak English when you’re drunk?”
“Samantha, I can barely speak English when I am not drunk. I’m from Columbia, remember? And everybody says you are so smart,” she laughed, once again brushing her dark hair out of her even darker eyes.
I licked my lips, tasting the alcohol, and whispered, “Blanca, let’s take a break.”
We sat down on the grass and Blanca ran her tan palms through the dewy surface, letting the precipitation slide down her wrists and her lean forearms. She touched my face and the coolness of the water and the light summer breeze made me feel consummately alive and young. My hands were too heavy to retaliate and so I let Blanca wet my face, over and over again.
“Come, Samantha, we are almost at home. And then we can sleep.” And so we hobbled back to the cobblestone path.
I saw the weeping willow where Blanca and I smoked her foreign cigarettes instead of going to the football game. My father was horrified I had missed it. The national championship game and you weren’t there? Why even go to college? Blanca and I laughed at the bare-bellied fanatics carry kegs to and from the dormitories and felt supremely sophisticated, secluded and sublimely superior. We let the cigarette smoke swirl itself into a strange, hesitant aphrodisiac. We slowly passed the tree and reached our dormitory steps.
“We’re home” I yawned, unlocking the dormitory door. We clumsily clambered up the staircase, knocking into the paintings that lined the steps. We lived in a dormitory especially for art students and the smell of fresh oil paints invaded my nose in its familiar way. When we got to our dorm I opened our door and woozily turned on the lamp to the lowest light setting. I closed the door. Blanca stretched and nearly fell over, but she grabbed on to my bed frame for support.
“That was a close one! I am such a…what is the word? Clause? Klutz? Klutz! That is me!” Blanca blurted.
“Shh, keep it down. Come on, put these pajamas on,” I whispered, tossing her a tee shirt and boxer shorts. “Here, let’s take your hair down.”
I unpinned her long, black hair and brushed through it with my fingers. It felt so thick and strong, like the whole world could hide in that abyss and it would be her own little secret. I brushed her hair over and over with my fingertips, letting its silkiness stream through my hands, feeling every inch of its strength and sheen. She turned around and I brushed her bangs out of her eyes for her. She blinked. Her eyes panned down, ashamed. She bit her lower lip until, when released, it bursted with sumptuous shade. She looked back into my eyes.
“Samantha, I—”
“—We should just go to bed,” I interrupted, not meaning a word of my advisory. Blanca brought her hand to her lips, exposing her wizened palm to me. She kissed her knuckles and each pluck made a small, clicking noise.
“What if,” she whispered, pulling out my ponytail, “I don’t want to ‘just go to bed’?”
I paused and admired her newfound boldness. “Well, then what do you want to do?” Her mouth half-curled into a wry, obvious grin. She’s drunk, I thought. She’s not going to know what she’s saying. She’s not going to remember it tomorrow. Don’t be stupid. Just go to sleep. “No, Blanca. Actually, let’s sleep.”
“Ah,” she started, “you think I’m just being a dumb drunk. I know what I am saying.”
“I know, but let’s just not talk about it.”
She stood up and swaying, hissed, “I want to talk about it some day. What are we going to do? Should we just play pretend like we don’t feel like this?” Her slurring made her accent almost inscrutable. She grinned, “Everyone thinks that we are together. We should just be.”
“Blanca, but I’m not…I don’t like girls. Usually. Blanca, come on. Go to bed, you’re just tired,” I said, knowing she wasn’t at all. I wanted to close her mouth and kiss it all at the same time. I wanted to scream, I feel like that too! I love you! I’m in love with you! But I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I would not like a girl.
“Samantha, stop acting like you don’t feel this! I know you do. Sometimes I feel like the world would fall apart if you left me. I know you love me. I am the only person who truly knows you. I am the only person who knows you, Samantha. Don’t be scared, Samantha.”
“I’m not scared. I’m just tired. Let’s go to sleep.”
“No!” she yelled.
“Blanca, shh.” I whispered back, my voice trembling.
“I will not ‘shh’! Tell me you love me. Just say it.”
“No! I do not love you like that, Blanca. I’m sorry,” I said with my eyes closed, telling Blanca the same lie I’ve been trying to convince myself with the whole year.
“You do, too. Samantha, you love me. It’s okay,” she whispered, pulling my hair behind my ears. She bent down and even more quietly whispered, “You love me.” She brushed her plumb lips across my face, blowing a tiny beam of wind across my cheek. “You love me, Samantha.” She took my face in her hands and kissed my cheek, my chin, my brow, my eyes, my forehead, all the while running her fingers down the side of my face. “You love me, Samantha. You do. Just say it.”
I started crying, right there, with the most forbidden of loves holding me. “No,” I sobbed, “I do not love you! You are a girl, you’re a girl, you’re a girl,” I sobbed. “Get away from me!” And with this, she bit my lip and I bit back until my lips met hers, moistened from my tears. We kissed, and a pang of warmth shot through my body, warming me from my toes to my ears. I raised my hands and touched the side of her soft face. When the kiss ended, her wet lips met my cheek.
“I’m sorry,” I spoke. “I’m so sorry.”
Pulling away, she wiped the tears from my face, “Oh, my Samantha. Things will be okay in the morning.”
And with that, I stood up and turned off the lamp.

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Saturday, March 5th, 2005
9:08 pm
so....i got a full tuition scholarship at u of m today.

that's strange.

especially considering i'm really not that smart. i mean, quite a few brainy people go there and i'm sure didn't receive that much. i don't get it. what did i do?

anyway, i received about $14,000 in grants and scholarship, which means my parents only have to take out like three thousand for college. and what's really cool is, i get that much money for five years.

so basically, i think my parents really, really, REALLY want me to go there now. but i still have smith, wellesley, and barnard to be in love with.

anyway, that's about all i have to write today.

oh, and i have ms. sunrise side rehearsal tomorrow. i'm kind of...not knowing what to expect.


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Friday, March 4th, 2005
7:58 am - aaaggghhhh
so...i'm in ms sunrise side apparently.

hahaha. i couldn't get in contact with the directors forever; every time i called they weren't home. anyway, i left another message and she called me back. and i have rehearsal on sunday. and i don't know i feel kind of lonely. hahaha, but i suppose i'll make friends. anyway, it will be fun if nothing else. i loved junior miss so if this even just a little bit is similar then i know i'll love it. plus, the scholarship money would be awesome and i might as well try. okay, time to organize myself and fill out scholarships. much love!


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