Amber

1:38pm: hard to keep up
Goodness... this journal is one of those things I put off and put off time and time again... and then when I come back to update it's hard to catch up on everything.. oh well.. I doubt anyone reads this anyways so it's all good in some way.

Mmkay - so last time I updated I was talking about New Year's Eve.. Well it turned out to be a blast at Libby's ~ we were really really busy.. and sometimes that doesn't mean good tips but I still had a blast ~ Dad, Mom and Marybeth came to the show - they met all my good friends at Libby's and had a good time as well.. :-)

Lots has happened since then as well..

Me and John are friends as of right now.. well, we are more than friends but we're not b/f-g/f or "talking" or any of that... we are good friends.. he is going through such a rough time in his life and I wish I could help him more than I can. We had a long talk last night in my car at Libby's and I just couldn't help but love him - he is such a strong man with so much pride.. I love him to pieces and wish I could do more for him than listen to him.. but if that helps him - to know I'm here to listen and talk with him about it all then I'm glad... he is carrying so much on his shoulders at the moment.. * God Bless him and give him the strength to carry on. *

What else... I've become closer to a few more people at Libby's - Joe S. and Joe C. I love dearly and cherish their friendships more than words can express.. Alice and Betty Ann - are such amazing women -
WOW is all I can say - to have a job like mine and want to go to work.. even on the crappy tips night I still end up having a good night... I still want to come back next week.. :-)

I got a new job - at the new Subway! :-) I was soo excited about that to!! I went in for my interview a few nights ago - and she said the job is yours if you want it - soo.. I was really happy about it - the opening is Feb 11th! and the awesome thing is she said my job at Libby's wouldn't be a problem because it was just that one day and I could work that morning and be home by lunch then work at 4:00 at libbys soo - that's just awesome..

I'm trying to finish up scholarship stuff and applications and so forth... so that is really really really hectic right now - ... and being the procastinator that I am it kinda sucks ... but I'm bound and determined that it will go out by the middle of this week! ... :-)
It is great though because Mr. Adams is recommending me for a scholarship worth $2000 and I'm estatic about that! It feels good to know someone has recoginized me in that way to get this kind of scholarship soo.. :-) YAY!

I'm not sure about what to do with Showcase this year - I would LOVE to participate but when I went in for this new job we weren't for sure if we were going to have it this year or not - and I did have fun last year... but in the same bit it was soo much time and with the new job I would hate to be like hey this has come up when we're just starting.. soo.. not sure what I'm going to do yet - I would love to see my schedule for work.. that may be what I do... talk to the sponsor this year for the showcase and tell her my situation and then when I get my schedule see if I can't work something out then... ... crosses fingers...

I need to start back in church... something you put off and say I need to... but never do or it's always next Sunday -

Well I'm headed out of here... I think I wrote a book - But I'll try to update more often.. for my own sanity if nothing else.. *Love*

Amber Mae :-)

12:59am: Hope you had a Merry Christmas
So how was Christmas everyone? Mine was really good! Surrounded by family and people I cherish and good food, presents, and lots of fun ~ It was wonderful.. Everything I could've ask for. :-) just trying to get back in a normal routine now - :-)
Christmas Eve we went to my Granddaddy and Nanny's house to eat and open presents
I opened presents here at the house Christmas morning then we went to Mamaw's and ate Lunch with the rest of the family and here the Christmas story then we opened presents ... Then Christmas night I went with John to his family's get-together to eat and then we went out Libby's house to wish him a Merry Christmas!
I had a wonderful time at every place -

Like my new icon thingy? I love it - :-)

well what else?

Jason - cheer up babe - know that I care for you and you are an awesome person inside and out! *Love*

I'm working New Year's Eve - but then I'll get off and go to the show! It should be a blast! :-) And I'm trying to talk Mom and Dad and Beth into coming - I'd love to spend it with them! And of course John will be there so that'll be fantastic :-)

Hope you all have had a Merry Christmas - And have a Safe and Happy New Year if I don't update until 2004!

G'Night all!!
**Amber Mae** :-)

10:39pm: I don't like journals...
Journals are so hard to keep updated - letting them go for a day or two turns into 4 weeks which turns into 4 months... lol - soo... forgive me...

Christmas is almost here ~ I can't believe it. It just doesn't seem like it should be here. TIME FLIES!

I have a new baby nephew now - he was born on Thanksgiving ... We had Thanksgiving dinner over our house then went to see the new baby - :-) We have so much to be thankful for - And the Lord has blessed me and my family so much this past year. I can't thank Him enough for it all.
So Keaton Lee is a happy healthy baby boy - he's precious - :-)

Me and John are moving forward in our "relationship" - we were talking last night and we talked about everything ... and it got around about what our "relationship" was defined as - it's not a boyfriend/girlfriend type deal... & even though I hate the word "talking" we are "talking" He just got out of that long relationship with his baby's mother (jessica) & he can't afford to jump right into something else... he said it would just take some time which is perfectly ok with me because like he told me last night I know he cares about me and he knows I care deeply about him and his little boy Jaiden which I got to meet recently. Mom and Dad have also met John and Jaiden and they like them both :-) I was so relieved And he's coming around which is something new for my parents.. and he's making the effort - I know he cares... if he didn't care or just wanted one thing which some think he wouldn't bother coming to meet mom and dad - he would not have bothered bringing Jaiden over here... He's just an awesome guy

I'm still at Libby's - I wonder why I do it sometimes.. but I love that place.. :-) I love the job at times.. I love the people - I love to dance there with my friends Joe and Johnny.... We are opening New Year's Eve and they always have this BIG show and the count-down and such It'll be a blast - and I'm trying to talk mom and dad and Bethany into going and being with me. Teach them a few dances and then be with them for the new year as well as beinging with John... :-) Awesome!

Speaking of Libby's - Joe Seeley came back to Libby's this past Saturday - He is such a terrific person, really.. because of my relationship with John at the moment I don't really look at Joe for anything but a friendship and I hope to build on that.... He is unlike anyone I know - Cheerful and thoughtful - responsible and loves to have fun - but sitting down and just talking with him on a serious level is so much fun - he's an incredible person, inside and out :-) And I'm glad he's back at Libby's - we were missing him -

I'm glad of Christmas Break from school - it was starting to get on my nerves really bad - lol - but after the break I'll be ready to go and get everything done and look forward to college & all that

It's nice to know everything in your life at the moment is peaceful. If I could give that to all my friends I would... the peace within - NO DRAMA - having and being surrounded by people who love and care about you - it's amazing.. it's a fantastic feeling that I hope people see in me - no worries and I don't sweat the little stuff anymore because I know I'm still blessed - I would love to get back in church - But I'm not sure - all I know is this is such an amazing feeling... Wonderful

Well I think my book of updates is done for the moment... leave comments - I wanna hear from you - :-) I never get comments - lol - :-) hehehe
xoxoxo everyone
**Amber Mae** :-)

10:15pm: falling fast
... do I want to get my heart broken again? .. I'm falling fast for him and I'm not sure if he knows it... I could just look at him for hours... just look and it still amazes me... he's working tonight and hasn't had any sleep and that worries me... God be with him

I've had a good weekend... I need to take care of Jeff... But I'm not sure how to approach him... he's so delicate... I don't want anything with him and I hate that... But he's getting kinda scary...

I heard one of my other friends got put in jail for contributing to a minor or some shit about a week ago or something... like I said I just heard this - nothing for sure.. but I should kick his butt... and I wondered why he never called after we went out on a date about 3 weekends ago - but I guess I didn't call him either soo... oh well.. I'm still kicking his butt..

I hate drinking... just re-stating that... spawn of all evil...

Joe Sealy performed Sat. Night at Libby's after Libby told him he couldn't... I was so proud of him... he did beautifully!! really... he's a great guy...

I love everyone out at Libby's really.. they are all just so down-to-earth nice people.... really great people...

I hope you all have a good night - I'm headed to bed...
Byes
**Amber Mae** :-)

11:36pm: Happy Birthday John
Happy Birthday to you John - 24 today - :-)

Didn't go to school today - :-( Still sick - but I'm on the mend... and I'm pretty sure I'll go tomorrow - ;-) I've missed to much

And this week is going to go by fast - since we haven't had school Mon. or Tues. and I didn't go today we're half-way over... lol - Friday will be a piece of cake cause it's Club Day and nobody does anything on club day cause of interuptions -- and even though I've missed a lot of school (the three days last week cause of Louisville FFA and today) I really don't have much to make up - English is the only thing that really matters... but we never do anything in there... and all my other classes are so easy I can miss class for a week and have all my make-up work done in that class period the next day I'm in there... soo... lol
what can I say? Being a senior is soooo hard ~ lol :-)

umm.. that's it for now - going to put finishing touches on a poem and then I'm off to bed - Have a good one everyone
Hugs and Kisses and Thoughts to all that read this -
and Happy Birthday John
**Amber Mae** :-)

9:28pm: sick=no fun
Hey - soo... being sick for your 4 day weekend is no fun what-so-ever... :-P
We didn't have to go to school Monday or Tuesday (parent/teacher conferences & election day) so we were planning on shopping or going to the movies or something... well I have to go and get sick... lol - oh well... isn't that the way it always goes.. ? ... oh well... I'm on the fix - I hope... ;-) so put me on your get better soon lists ...

My trip to Louisville was great! Wed. Thrus. & Fri. were terrific ~ there was 7 of us including our advisor that went... We went to see Terry Clark and Darryl Worley in Concert... and went to Bull Bash and the FFA dance... and we shopped and shopped... :-) But by the time Friday came around I believe we were all ready to come home.. not to mention we stayed up until 2:30-3:30 every night and woke up early the next morning.. :-) But we had a blast... Not to mention all the hot cowboys walking around in those friggin wranglers.... God Bless the man who made those... ;-)

Work.... aw work.... Love it sometimes ... and hate it sometimes... Love most of the people - but Libby has hired a complete witch for a hostess that thinks she's God.... but then there is John and it makes it all better...
Joe quit out there... Vicky has quit out there... so right there was two of my main sources of entertainment at work... Alice is still there... and there are a few more out there I love and look forward to seeing... plus John.. :-) but he's just him for the moment and being great soo... :-)

what else... nothing else at the moment...
love to everyone... and goodnight
**Amber Mae** :-)

4:47pm: It's easy to get behind on this thing
goodness it's easy to put this journal off and then put it off some more.. Sorry Journal feelings.. I still love you!
:-)

So.. what's happened since last time we talked?

Not much.. same old stuff I reckon..

Football season has ended.. :-( major bummer.. I'm glad they didn't do senior night like they did previous years.. cause I would've cried.. then I would've looked bad for my pictures... lol... but I think I will for real cry at the banquet.. Football has been such a big part of my life and now it's no more.. I'm growing up.. oh my.. ok - I'm gonna quit all that non-sense - cause then I really will cry haha -

Work is good... well the people at work are good.. certain parts of the job I could live without but it's all ok in the end... I've come close to a few people at work and I love them all to pieces... & I'm even having a little fun with one of them.. ha - smiles ... ok... onto another subject

umm... what's my next subject...

I hate drinking and driving.. it's pure evil... or should I say drinking is the evil and it shows really how stupid a person is once they get behind a wheel of a vehicle or let their "so-called" friends get behind the wheel.. when will people around here realize?? EERRR!! And I hate driving drunk people home.. I won't do it again.. well I say that but I know that I will ... I just wish the little boys and girls around here would grow up if they think they are responsible enough to drink...
neways..

today is mom and dad's wedding anniversary.. 24 years of marriage.. wow - Love to them both -

Have a good night everyone! I'll try to update more often... Byes and love sent your way
**Amber Mae** :-)

4:14pm: 17 finally!
goodness it's been a while... but I can now tell you that I'm now 17 years old.. haha - that still sounds young compared to other seniors at school turning 18.... oh well.... I kinda enjoy being the baby! ;-) a "youngen" as some use to say.... oh well...

I've learned a lot this past year... that's wonderful... I do feel good about it and I'm looking forward to all the memories I can make this coming year!

Let's see if I can mention some of those memories from this past year.
*Oct. 10th 2002 I got my permit!
*had my first "date" - haha - can't remember the exact date but I know it was with Brad Brookshire.... haha I used to think he was the cutest thing... oh well, Crushes...
*Februaryish 2003 - started dating Joe
*April 10th - finally got my license! I was soo nervous going to take the test... but when the instructor got in the car all the nerves went away and it was a piece of cake!
*May 3rd.. - Prom night - it was beautiful... prom was in the gym this year for the first time in forever!
*June 7th - My first job - I now work at Libby's Steak House in Daysville!
*June 9th - Horse Judging at Morehead where I place the highest on our team for the competion - 10th place
*June 10th - Joe and I broke up - we tried to work it out a time or two more but never does work
*July 28-Aug 1st. - I was a Teen Counselor at 4-H camp! Had a really good time and plan to go back next year!
*Aug. 13th - first day of school! I'm now a Senior!!
*We have a new football coach who is making the team better and the guys understand more about the game! We win our fist game in two years on the 29th of Aug.
*I'm getting more involved in FFA and am now a committee chair of Public Relations. I attend Leadership conferences in Princeton and MSU.

This all brings us back here - I'm 17 years old and looking forward to many more memories to store away in this journal as well as my mind for years to come.

*Love*
Amber Mae :-)

10:20pm: looking through past entries...
Man, I was looking through all my past entries earlier... goodness.. it's great to see how far you've come. And the things you've learned from. And just the memories... :-) the good and bad... I love em all...
Oh well...

Mom, Bethany, and myself went to Wal-Mart today to get my senior pics. ordered .... I love my pics! YaY! - I may have to get them put on a CD and get some on here... they are awesome... and I hate to brag about em but these are the best pics I've taken in a while sooo... I'm pretty excited about em. Plus, I've gotta share with all my buddies like Jason, Taya, Josh, and Danny! I know a few of em have been fussing at me to get new pics... sooo.. I got em - ha

What else... um.. nothing really else... just talking to Josh - I do miss ya!
but I guess that's it for the night
Everyone have a good Monday!!

**Amber Mae** :-)

12:02am: another week passes...
Time goes by so quickly now.. Monday you're waiting for Friday and before you know it Friday is here.... And I still haven't done the 500 different things I need to be doing. ... oh well

Work was good tonight. My friend Joe didn't come tonight ... :-( bummer ~ he had to work in Richmond all weekend soo... Hopefully I'll get to see him next week! Ms. Vicky has been trying to "hook me up" as she puts it with a guy she worked with at one time. His name is Adam - and according to her he was a "hottie" as she stated... but he wasn't all that. haha - poor guy. Come all the way to Libby's to see me, then give me a $20 bucks in tip and didn't even get my phone number. You know how some people you just aren't attracted to.. that's him ... he looks like a nice friend, but nothing more. Ha, me and John were talking about it most of the night. hehe - John's a nice guy as well. I do love my job... but I'm getting to where I don't like Libby as a boss, he's a great guy outside of work. But can be an ass when u work for him. Oh well.. I still love it

Nicole is home.. that's a good thing I hope. And I hope her eyes are opened like she told mom.. I do love her, and Kaylee very much.

umm.. what else..
We got beat Friday night by the bears. 47 to 0 oh well... I'm still enjoying football, and I'm growing and beginning to like the Coach better. But I'm making it a great year! it's my last year and I'm not looking forward to it being over.

I guess me and Joe have made up.. I can talk to him. It's hard, and awkward.. I'm over Joe, as far as that goes, if he ask me out this moment I'd tell him no.. it's just the fact I don't think he realizes how he hurt me or that he cares how much he hurt me.. I don't know - we'll just leave it at that

We had a complete NUT CASE running the concession tonight. She had been drinking and was just AWFUL... lol.. it was kinda funny though - to see her waiting on the customers... hehe.. oh well... more power to her.. but I miss Ms. Peggy..

Well I'm getting off here.. that's about all I can think of soo... talk to you kids later! Byes!

**Amber Mae** :-)

9:39pm: Damn I can tell it's a Monday
I had a pretty good day at school. Bethany and I were late this morning. But it's all good. And the day went pretty smooth.
I went to the Jr. Varsity football game. We didn't do so hot either. 22-0 Oh well.. it wasn't anyone in town so I came on home

I also learned Daddy was at the hospital with my older sister. She had apparently wrote everyone notes and tried to kill herself by taking to many pills. And did I mention she's like 20-23 weeks pregnant. At the moment she's ok but they are taking her to Nashville because of the shitty hospital she was taken to couldn't handle the birth of her child if labor started early. I pray the baby will be ok and that she carries to full term. I just don't know how she did such a thing. Or why... long history there soo....

Now here I am... talking to Jason... Wishing, hoping and praying.
Hope the rest of you are having a good night.

**Amber Mae**

10:33pm: long time since I've seen you...
Ok, I know.. I know.. it's been a while since I've updated Jason.. hahaha - I'm finally getting the time to set down and type....

Like I said before football has started.. we've played three games this season ~ lost both of our away games and won our home game. The first game we've won in two years! WoW ! YaY ! It was wonderful for the guys, their morale, and the community.. Let's hope we can keep it up and win at least 3 more!

Joe C. and I are not together anymore. We were friends there for a while.. and Mom basically told him everything he needed to hear... I did talk to him a couple times after Mom fussed at him and after once again breaking his word to me I told him not to talk to me again for a while. It's one of those things that I have to have a little time away from him.... time to heal.... time to realize he doesn't want me and that if he did want me he would step up and tell me and show me how he cared... he would come to me like I've went to him SO MANY TIMES... soo... yeah... it hurts... and it hurts to know that I hope he still might say something to me - or call me - I just want it to be him and HIS DECISION.. not anything I said or anything anyone else says to him about it.. it's gotta be HIM realizing it... and I just don't think he does or wants to .... after a while I'll get over it .. and I'll be able to walk up and say Hi and not think nothing of it... but in time.

I'm still working at Libby's ... I love that place... well, let me re-state that ~ I love the people I work with. Not the person I work for. Libby himself doesn't run the business the way it should be run and that makes us look bad as well.. that I hate. but the people I work with are great. We have tons of fun. It's a great job. I also met a guy there. How ironic that his name is also Joe. He's a great guy, but nothing else is coming out of it than a friendship because he lives in Glasgow and is a bit to old. Ha - but he's a great guy and a WONDERFUL singer.

Have you ever stepped outside of you life and just looked in. I have come to the realization that I am very blessed. I'm blessed to still have my cousin with me, and three of my friends. I'm blessed to have a family that loves and cares about me as much as they do. And I thank the Lord every time I wake up for another day and the people I have closest to me are still here.

Jim's grandmother passed away today. And I send love, and prayers to his family.

Night everyone.... love to you all

**Amber Mae**

11:55pm: been a while...
Yes, it's been a while since I've updated... Let's start by saying my computer has been sick and I haven't had the time to update.. Yes my computer caught the WORM (virus) ... and at first you could get on the computer for about 5 minutes and then a little screen would pop up and say "System Shutdown... blah blah blah about Windows XP and some more blah about saving wanting information and some more blah and then you have 60 seconds until computer shutdown 59.. 58.. 57.. 56.. " yes, you get the picture... so then as the WORM eat the indsides of the systems a little more you could only get online for like a minute and that little warning box would pop up - so I decided to play a game with it - What can you do in 60 seconds. I learned I can send two emails, each a paragraph long, in 60 seconds... I can play 2 rounds of JT Blocks in 60 seconds... I can check my two email accounts in 60 seconds... haha - you get it.... but then it got annoying and no fun anymore so daddy fixed the computer... now it's all better and healthy and WORM free!! YAY!! :-)

Me and Joe are back together - I love him :-) <3 ..smiles... he is a great guy.. really.. I hope he knows that... he's smart... he has a great sense of humor... he has a great personality.... he's just a wonderful person.. he's a sweetheart... and I'm a better person for knowing him. I love you

School has once again started. And I'm a SENIOR!!! Heck yeah!!! I really can't believe it either ~ it's seems like yesterday when I was a freshman in my homeroom and our homeroom teacher telling us "Crap runs downhill, and you're at the bottom" and every year since then he's reminded us of that ~ This year he told us "Crap runs downhill, you're doing the crapping" - haha - not a very delightful way to put it but it works.. I still can't believe it.... and I need to get off my butt and start doing scholarship stuff... eeekkkk!! oh well...

Football has once again started! And I believe we're going to have a WONDERFUL season.... :-) it's gonna be a hellva way to end my senior year football managing thing.... :-) I like the new head coach as well.. he's a pretty cool guy... he's hard on the team and that's what they need... but he has a temper outta this world.... not cool at times.. but I'm learning to adjust... :-) but this will hopefully be a great year..

Anything else?? .... umm.. I don't guess soo... I think I'm going to bed now.... have a good night kids...
**Amber Mae** :-)

12:16pm: where do I begin??...
ok... so I'm back from 4-H Camp...
Most of camp was good, and I enjoyed it. The only part I didn't enjoy was my girls in my cabin. 5 girls in my cabin who challenged authority, who was rude, ect. ect. ect. I could go on and on but I really don't want to re-live it all.... But other than that camp was good. Not the hell I thought it would be...

I'm back home now... got my real hot shower in 4 days.. slept in my own comfortable bed.. had real food... and now I'm back to the drama of life...

I was told to walk away now while I still think the good things we had.. I don't know if I can - I will if that's what he wants - but I'm not sure what he wants.. I've made it clear to him on several occasions I love him and I thought he made it clear a week or two ago that he didn't want me - now it may have been different - I just don't know anymore - I was told to give him a few days and he'll get back to me - damn that...

Live life.. make choices... don't regret... that's how I live... if you wait a few days it may not be there when you're ready for it to be... If you take away from today to give to tomorrow then you've cheated today because what if tomorrow never comes? You have no promises in life.. no guarantees.. So live life in the moment -

Have a good day - may update later...
**Amber Mae**

11:32am: where to begin...
Got home last night.

Then Joe gets online.

I thought I could wake up this morning and everything would be ok - that all of what was said was a dream. I was wrong. It hit me again like a ton of bricks when I woke up. Then I couldn't get back to sleep. And I kept having that fucking dream of me sitting in this chair asking God why and losing control.

I believe I would have taken it a little bit better if it hadn't of been her.... Why her? She doesn't deserve you or what you have to offer... You told me once before you had come to the conclusion of Fuck Her - I believe I liked it better like that... I can hear her now.. her joy knowing that she hurt me once again and knowing that Joe has come back to her - knowing that she's won... And nobody believes me - but I know her - I know her to well... She will enjoy it... I'll bet money on it.

Thank you Stormy - thank you for being that person who listened to me - and understood... love sent your way..

What's wrong with me? Damn, why can't it all work out for once? You know I don't know if I can be his friend right now... or at all... I'd like to be.... but I'd just come off to him as this pathetic little kid who has a crush and won't go away -

FUCK IT ALL...


Amber Mae

12:30am: Had a real date tonight...
Hey everyone. So I had a real date tonight. Went to Clarksville with Brad and then came back to the swinging bridge and chatted... it was nice. It was a pretty night and we talked about almost everything. He's a good guy. And I had a good time.

I've been to football practice most of this week. We're having 2-a-day practices and getting a lot accomplished and building a better team. I believe I'm really going to enjoy my senior year! It should be a blast!

I've seen Joe a lot more this week. Not sure if that's good or bad. I wish I could say it was good...

umm.. what else?

Jim and I haven't talked much this past week. I'm kinda glad of that. Let all the drama settle first.

I'm tired... and wish I was someplace else than here at the moment.

You kids have a good night.


**Amber Mae**

1:43pm: oh by the way..
Bethany and I are both camp counselors for 4-H. I went in for my interview with Mrs. Lee Ann Friday morning and she told me we were both going to camp.. YAY!

**Amber Mae** :-)

1:36pm: Drama in a small town.
Why does everyone in a small town always have to be in other people's business and talk about stuff they don't know shit about? In many ways I love this town, but in others it sucks ass.
Jim got really mad last night over a rumor he heard. He first called me cussing and hollerin' and then came up there where I was and we had it out in the back yard. And it was really over nothing... he got mad over something he knew nothing about and jumped to conclusions before asking me calmly.... I hate people like that. I think I'm just still pissed off from it all.

Joe come to my rescue last night.. He is great... ...smiles...

I would still love to be friends with Jim, but I don't think that will happen. He's so possessive and jealous of everything... he ignores my phone calls... I just don't know....

Well work Saturday night was ok.. I made $11 in tips and that's low compared to what we have been getting.. We weren't as busy last night as we have been though.. and he also had another waitress working sooo that cut down on me and Daphne's tips.... she only made $12 but it was all ok...

I placed 10th outta 40 people at the Morehead FFA Horse Judging Contest. I placed higher than the rest of my team mates.. I kinda felt bad about it because they were all gloomly and I couldn't really be happy... lol - you know what I mean? Haha - I did pick with them though because everyone of them has horses and has grown up around them since they were small and I haven't... haha - oh well...

Today is mamaw's birthday. I'm not really sure how old she is because she tells everyone every year that she just turned 39 - lol - :-) inside joke with the family - but she's said that so long I don't know how old she is... haha - oh welll.... but HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAMAW!

I guess I'm going to get off here and go get in the shower... Talk to ya later...

**Amber Mae**

11:09pm: Hey all -
So what is everyone out doin tonight? I'm sittin here at the computer wishing and hoping. Sounds fun huh - ;-) I thought so....

I helped mom today at the High School with the Dance Team ~ sounds fun huh. But I did get the new football schedule and I'm looking forward for season and it'll take my mind off a lot of things.

What else.. I came to town - talked to Joe - got bitched at by Jim - talked with Leslie and Kristen and Mark and Joe some more. I need to seriously smooth things down with Jim.. and it's my fault... I know it is... And I hate it for him... Damn, why did I do this 2 myself???? oh well....

Joe Coleman, you are confusing - :-P but I still think the world of ya

NaTaya, I think I'm gonna cry - :-( where are ya?? Love u girlie...

Love the rest of you as well,

**Amber Mae** :-)

8:22pm: I'm home - whew!
Been a while. Well I've been to FFA Camp this past week and that's why I haven't been online to update.

Camp was ok. Boring because of all the free time we had and the 4 classes a day I had to take. I did get an "Outstanding Leadership" Award through it all. So I guess I'm a leader. Ha - :-) ...smiles...

what else since I last updated?....

Jim and I have been talking more lately. I don't think I want the same things he does. And I hate that because I don't want to hurt anyone or lose a really great friend and that's what he is. He's a complete doll to me and I would love to keep him as a friend. I hope it all comes down to that.

I talked to another good guy friend last night as well. And I guess he's one of the reasons I just wanna be friends with Jim because I know at the moment that he's in my heart and I don't want anyone else there. He also sends me mixed and confusing signals. ??? Oh well. But it was great talking to him.

Where is NaTaya? I haven't talked to you in forever! :-P You could email someone every now and then and tell me you're still on the planet.

Oh well... I'll update a little later - BYES!!

**Amber Mae** :-)

11:12pm: Had a wonderful Horsey day
I went to the school today and then to Russellville with Mr. Polovick, Samantha, and Matthew. We went to judge the four horses Polovick had up there. I was excited because I thought I would have sucked ass with it but it was easier getting to actually look at them and I judged them correctly and like Polovick did so that excited me! :-) We got back to Elkton around 12:45 - 1:00ish and I took Samantha home and walked out to see her horses for a little bit. She's got 3 or 4 for sale but I guess I should put that idea outta my mind right now. I came home then went to mamaw's and helped her then went to see my uncle's horses and how they were. I hate it how my uncle keeps those horses... it's a shame.

I'm having a conflict within myself about something. I was talking to Waylon a bit ago and basically told him all of it. Arr... Not sure if I wanna mention it or not on here. Oh well.. I'll get it figured out.

I just learned today that the days I'm going to Morehead for FFA Horse Judging (16th and 17th) are one of the days I've got an interview with a panel of 4-H adults to determine if I become a camp teen counslor. This is bad... and makes me nervous because I really really really wanna go to camp. I hope LeeAnn is in the office tomorrow so I can talk to her because I'd like to change it if possible... but since it's a couple of them interviewing me I don't know if they'll do it another day... sighes... sad.... cross your fingers for me.

July is really busy for me.. and the summer is almost over. I'm a senior... I've gotta start thinking about college and scholarship stuff... I don't know - .... :-( Just feeling bad tonight I guess.. Hope you have a good night - I'm headed to bed!

**Amber Mae**

12:42am: What a weekend :-)
It was a really nice weekend. Ha - :-)

Friday Night I went with Brandy and Teresa to Russellville. Teresa says she got drunk off 4 wine coolers. But I believe most of it was an act. Neways... Then we went out to Teresa's boyfriend's friend's house for a party. It was pretty lame.. that's all I got to say about that. ha :)
Saturday Night I worked from 4:00 to 8:30 and then came to town. I chatted with Brandy a bit then went and talked to Jim, Curtis, Brad, Jeff, and Jonthan til 11:00 or so. My second cousin Randy, and Great Aunt Sylvia came in Saturday night from Ohio as well.
So Sunday we had Nanny, Granddaddy, Aunt Jennifer, Randy, Syliva, and Mamaw over for lunch and dinner. It was ok. lol - Randy is a character that's for sure. A Yankee - haha - a sarcastic yankee... oh well... but Sylvia was a sweetie ~ And then Sunday night I went to town and talked with Brandy, Char, and Becky for a little bit. Then Brandy's friend Chase came up there. Ha - ;) :) A grin is all I've got to say about Chase at the moment.

Today we went to Nanny's and helped entertain Randy and Sylvia and toured the old Shaker Village and went around Russellville. Nothing big but Randy himself can tire a person really quickly. It was fun though.. Jim invited me to go to the motocross races in Hop-town but mom said no... :( bummer.. Oh well...

Joe called today. I want him to know he'll always have a special place in my heart but after everything that's happened I believe it's really the best we're friends. I think he's a great guy and I'm glad to have known him like I did for 3 months... :-) Now I get to know him as a friend ~ And that makes me happy. :-) I love ya Joe.

What else.... :-P haha Marybeth told me some good gossip tonight :-) haha - I don't think I'll mention it - unless you leave me a comment or email about it - haha - I'll be glad to spread the gossip...

Jason, where are you? Busy Busy Busy - haha - always doing something.. Just thought I'd say hi - and we've gotta catch up mister... :-P Oh wellizers... I'll catch ya later on - ;-)

Well everyone it's late and I'm heading to bed... Have a wonderful Tuesday

**Amber Mae** :-)

11:05pm: I still love him.
Went to work at 4:00 - got off at 8:30 - went to town - talked - came home.

I still love him

11:26pm: I have nothing...
Have you ever took a step back and thought about your true friends? Or the people around you? Do you really have someone special (male or female) that you can call at any time of the day and release frustrations or call about your exciting news? Do you have a friend that you can cry on their shoulder and speak candidly with about anything without them judging you but still accepting and loving you? I know I have Jason and NaTaya & I love them both dearly ~ I know I can always talk to mom but I can't completely open up and feel comfortable about telling them all of it. Telling them how I hurt and wish and hope.

I talked to mom about what happened between Joe and I last night. She told me that she knew what it was like to love a man and have them break your heart. She also said she knew I was heartbroken. I smiled and kinda laughed it off. Just as I did last night on the phone. I act strong. I guess in a way I am. But I'm tired of it ~ why can't I open up and tell him how I feel about him. Why can't I tell him how vulnerable I am when it comes to him.

I am so hurt by it all. The phone rang around 9:30 tonight and I said a silent prayer his name would appear. Of course it wasn't his number. It hurts so much.. What's sad is I keep my cell phone with me at all times hoping he'll call and afraid to let it out of my sight because if by chance he did call I don't want to miss it. I jump every time I think I hear something outside hoping that maybe he'd come over to sweep me off my feet and tell me he really did love me and needed me.

I hate Sarah - I hate it because in a way I know a part of me is Sarah. I apologize for Sarah but I felt like that was what I had to do. It's disgusts me to know what I did, using Sarah, but I thought that's what I had to do. And I'm scared as hell that what was said online was true. Maybe I'm not loved like I thought I was, how could I be?

I'm here for Joe completely. I don't want this to be the end of it. But I have a feeling it is. I'm not sure. But I pray to God he knows I'm here for him. I will always have a spot for Joe in my life if he wants it.

**Amber Mae**

11:36pm: Tomorrow is Dad's birthday..... Joe and I are working it out - I love him
I haven't done anything but clean most of the day.... sounds fun huh. Joe and I talked & I really really wanna work all this out and I believe that we'll get it all settled :-) I do love him -

Jason has been a real help to me through out all this and I love him for it - Thanks a ton!!

Daddy's birthday is tomorrow - he'll be 44 yrs. young :-) I love that expression - haha - I hope he has a good day..

well I'm getting off here to go watch a movie - have a good night everyone...
**Amber Mae** :-)