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Friday, April 2nd, 2004

Subject:all i wanna do is a zoom-zoom ...just shake your romp!
Time:7:17 pm.
Mood: frustrated.
Music:the early november.
So I called Andrew last nite with the intentions to have him talk to Ted, to see if Ted would give me his number to call him sometime.... oh yea the latest on that is: Juan (ted's best friend) is moving back..so Ted is moving out, and Juan is pissed that Gabby (juan's sister) and Ted are dating! hhaha! OH SHITS GONNA FLY NOW! SO anyhow..ted moved out into a house, and is getting his own phone line instead of a cell. Well last nite when I called Andrew at 9:54pm, he was dead alseep..so whatever, he was too tired to talk, and would call me today....well he called me back...and I never did ask him to talk to Ted for me! I chickened out! :( Better luck next time huh?!
~~~~~> I found otu that ________ likes me still...this is the same guy I talked about b4, he is going to study abroad in Spain, uh.... he's cute and stuff..hehe...the one I recently talked about in my other entires. So yea...that was exciting, but he still says "i am leaving in two months" but just knowing that he likes me still makes me happy! ;) hopefully there will still be something there between us when he gets back!
~~~~~~> I am hungry and really want Super Burrito, and I think I am going to get it...
closing with a quote that I have found helpful through-out some tough times I have had in the past relationships.... uh-hum..not mentioning with who........TED MARTIN HERRERA THE SECOND! lol--heheh sorry couldn't help myself! I'm out....LEAVE ONE~
P.L.U.R.
eventually we learn the differences between holding hands and falling in love, that kisses dont always mean something, promises can be broken as quickly as they are made, and sometimes goodbyes really are forever
<3 V
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Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

Subject:being depressed and jealous sucks...
Time:8:21 pm.
yay...so i think t-bitty just asked my sister out.... right before they hung up, he said "hey i wanna ask you something" and she was all "whats that?" and trevor said "you wanna hook up?" and my sister said "sure" lolololol--aaww so precious! her 2nd but kinda first real relationship! :P
i wonder how long before she starts giving domers, and spreading her legs?!?!?!? hahahaha! she promised it would be while.....but yet she's never really had a real relationship..or saw the guy as often as she will see trevor.. plus shes older, more mature, guys are expecting more than just holding hands now-a-days, so this will be interesting. i wonder if i'll be the first to know if does do anything with a guy? i officially think i am thinking way to much right now... but i do know that my little TUSH-TUSH is fried like chicken! lol-i am starting my tans, and yea..i got a little pink, not to bad thou...okay i am done now!!

-By the way Mari-OOOO thanks for the IM...but meaning to be a comment in the journal! ;) I am cool wtih Egg Roll King anytime... hey did u know they failed their health inspection by like 5,6, or 7points..something like that!? Funny stuff, but I still like their food!! HAHHAHA!! call me up sometime!

-I got a celly..FINALLY! So now no one can lie and say "oh i tried calling u but the line was busy"...F that excuse now! 544-0416, hit me up anytime.... have a great nite everyone
P.L.U.R.
-Valerie Lynne
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Monday, March 8th, 2004

Subject:noon to starry nite...
Time:7:04 pm.
Mood: nostalgic.
Music:The Early November "Sunday Drive".
"my final merit I refuse you, I refuse putting from me what I really am, encompass worlds, but never try to encompass me, I crowd your sleekest and best by simply looking toward you. writing and talk do not prove me, I carry the plenum of proof and every thing else in my face, with husy of my lips I wholly confound the skeptic."
-Walt Whitman "song of myself-25" from 'Leaves of Grass'--great poetry book.

the cool breeze, the sunshine rays upon her skin, wearing a sleeveless top, and those low rise jeans, he walked up behind her wrapped her oh so tightly, both faces grew promising smiles, as he whispered those promising words. The smell of her hair blowing in his face, the smell of his cologne and her cfaced buried in his neck. No one was around, the world turned into slow motion, time stopped, they froze in that moment feeling like it was forever. Nothing known of worries, or bills, or life itself, just him and her, just her and him. He kissed her shoulder, the spot that got her most, the spot that glistened and shimmered in the sun. Still holding her tightly the moment never died........ HEY can't a girl dream? I use to have those days when you were in my life, I can't decide which hurts the most having you around and not loving you, or loving you and you not being around. We never could seem to get it set straight could we?
-This will be the first summer since I was 15 that Ted hasn't been involved. I will 19 this summer... 3,4 something like that..years with him there, and now in the second of a SNAP he is gone. I loved you, I beat myself up over it because I never could tell you.

being emotional sucks, I am sensitive when it comes to my real mom, and I found out that my dad cheated on my real mom all the time, and when he went overseas he got with some dirty Japanese SLUT, and got some kind of disease, and gave it to my mom, and my mom had to get some kind of surgery and cleaned out, just to be better, and was told she would never have kids again... my dad got with this dirty chic, while I was being born... he was on a ship going overseas. My mom is mentally ill, she has schizophrenia, and is on all kinds of meds now. I can't help but to look at my dad with more anger than I have ever had towards him. And now its not about me...its about my mom, and what he did to her. I watched him beat the shit out of her, break her jaw into 3 pieces, while she has braces, I watched him slap her around all the time, I watched him bad mouth her, I watched him walk out on her for bimbos with STD's, then come crawling back "for the kids sake" "they need a father in their life" WELL GUESS WHAT ASSHOLE...YOU NEVER WERE AND NEVER WILL BE! Now I think back, realizing I could have had a mother in my life, a REAL mother, a NORMAL mom, nonetheless my real mom at least knows who I am, at least loves me, prayes for me, cares. And I know if she could she would have been there at my graduation, or my proms, or my basketball games, or just plain there for me. I stayed up half the night last nite, thinking of all this, (which its all i have been thinking about for 3 days now) and clear water drops dropped from my eyes last nite. I had thoughts I haven't had in a while. Thoughts of not be wanted here, not wanting to exist, not wanting to face the future. I don't think I could be more lost, my head is whirling, I don't believe I was ready to hear this, I am only 18, with a fucked up life, with fucked up stories...MY DAD IS THE REASON WHY I HAVE NEVER HAD A MOTHER AROUND! He is the reason I have suck a f**ked up life. Because of him, I am the person I am today. I think I am taking a turn around... you made a good point "what does it hurt to believe?" I think I should try church sometime...I think its time I start believing in something. I know before I did and it never did change or fix anything, but maybe now in my life I need it...I need something, I need someone in my life right now, so I guess this is just a start, just one foot in the door, just one step at a time.

As for everything else in my life... its okay, the guy I liked... just like all the others, nothing but an ass who is looking for sex. I put him through the test..and he failed. Oh well, I didn't give up anything to him, he never got what he wanted, therefore I WON! hahaha-I am still immature, guys are nothing but games and puzzles to me.
Work is going well, and school...school is school, I just don't think I am cut out for school. I am behind, like always, and I do nothing but set my self up for failure. I always have been a failure by design. Anyhow I am off to try and stay focused..and not think of my dad, and my mom.... I am going to do homework!
Golly whiz... leave a comment.
P.L.U.R. <3<3<3
Valerie
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Sunday, February 29th, 2004

Subject:holy fuck
Time:5:52 pm.
Mood:content&bitchy b/c i'm hungry.
Music:Nirvana.
my goodness gracious! It's only 5:53pm, and i can barely keep my head up! I am soo freaking tired!
I haven't eatten all day...and i am starving here! I want pizza, but really i want Egg Roll King, but stupid Mari-o, and stupid Cameron don't seem to go online....Mari-o I tried to call you, but uh..no answer... Cameron- i didn't try to call you, I don't have ur number, and mario- i don't have jack's screen name to talk to him to see if you were at his house.... so yeah, i guess egg roll king is a strike out?1 oh well saves me some money...for now anyway! LOL!

Well last nite.... WOW last nite. My nite started off by feelin the tears swell up in my chest and tummy. As they rolled down for a few, my motto came to mind! "FUCK IT" -yup thats my motto!- So I stopped looking silly,and wiped my tears away. I called some ppl, and figured out what was going on.

I called Alicia...she was on her way to Brian Golman's show..she invited me to that, and then to jack's afterwards... yeah right?! I was down to go see Brian's band play..but then i remember the last time he and I talked he was going to blow my brains out, and kill my family (which i wouldn't mind) and just threatened me... so then i decided "fuck it" "not going" And then going to Jack's after the show..haha thats a funny joke, I am 18! I would have felt really stupid being there..and being the oldest one too! What a lame-o I would have looked like being there! I mean don't get me wrong... i am not putting any offense to the ppl that were there that I knew. Besides I bet every single person would have asked me "oh where is larisa" -(the real person they wanted to come anyway) Neways...I never did call Alicia back to tell her I wasn't going. OH well, shit happens.

So I went and did 18 year old college stuff! Like show my boobies off to some guys to get beads! hAhAhAhA! Yup, its true. I did that! I even let the two guys I had to flash..i even let them lick em! LOL! I had a good time thou. The UNR Rugby team had a party..so me and my girls went to that. We brought Trevor with us. Trevor is only a Junior at RHS, but he is the coolest guy! Its funny because the last time I saw Trevor that boy was short, and had no hit puberty yet. Now, he is good lookin, and has a sexy voice, well I think anyway. I think him and Larisa would be cute..he has that skater style with the kinda long hair! Yum! hehe! ;) Naw really though, he is such a good guy...and would be a good boyfriend, really he would. So anyway... I showed my tits, drank a little, danced and got freaky-which is the way I love to dance!- and had a good time with the girls!

Then we left that Rubgy party (which by the way.... allthe guys had AWESOME bodies! oh yea!) So we left that party and went to this guy John's house. We chilled, they all drank..i didn't! The guy I like **insert name here** ended up IMing me on my friends cell... and he told me to call him. So I did... he said he would come pick me up if I wanted him too... since it was like 2:45 in the morning, and i should have been heading home. Well I was a little nervous, because I didn't want him to think if he was going to pick me up and take me to my car he was going to get ass or something crazy like that. So anyway, to cut to the chase ... he picked me up... way on the other side of town, in the car he said sorry we hadn't chilled all week, and he grabbed my hand..
and then we got to my car..and he kissed me good nite, and told me to call him tomorrow...and then we kissed again, and then I said bye, and he said drive safe! So yeah...I got my good nite kiss! hehe! Overall the nite started out shitty, with my crying and being a total EMO woser, to having a good time, with a great ending!

Alright, I am out..i am soosoososo hungry!! P.L.U.R.- <3<3<3<3
Valerie
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Saturday, February 28th, 2004

Subject:feel free anyone..
Time:9:08 pm.
Mood:zxzer FUCK IT aieuoa !.
Music:Eddy Grant.
anyone feel free to leave a comment, advice, a speech, a rant...something is better than none. I feel like shit... i really feel crappy..i think i am getting sick....

what are you suppose to do, who are you suppose to turn to....when the only person that stops your tears..is the reason why they are streaming down your face?

peace-out Valerie
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Subject:the count down...
Time:5:23 pm.
well I tens mins left until she parts... the feeling I have... UNDESCRIBABLE. I wish I had someone to talk to that could relate to this...I kinda feel like Erica would be the only one...but then again, I don't feel its right to talk to her about this. Like she could give two shits what goes on with me and her. I feel guilty for talking to her about..its not fair. I hope she doesn't mind that I have. Sorry if it offended you to begin with.

anyway i am goin to go... and try to find something to do tonite! :(

peace- Valerie
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Subject:getting nothing back...
Time:12:10 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Music:80's mix :).
"bring some of you closest friends down" -so her dad tells her. I guess I expected to much, I guess I ask for to much..I guess... fuck it! She did not ask me if I wanted to go..no invitation, nothing. Asked some other people. Whatever I am over that--

So this guy... I am so confused. Last nite (friday) I went to the movies with my sis, then we went to Waldens to use their phone. So I called my guy. Not really mine, but we will just say "my guy." So anyhow I called him..and was what are you up to, he just said oh I am goin to Scholari's. And I was like "oh well I just called to see if you wanted to hnag out and do something tonite." He was like "i don't know what I am doin yet, I just wanna get really drunk tonite." I giggled and was just "oh okay, sounds cool." And then he says "well hey call me in like an hour." I was like "alright, talk to you later" Then we hung up. Whoa!?! What does that mean? Maybe I am looking into a deeper meaning than what that means... IDK. Anyone have any clue as to what that means? I also realized that any time that he is about to go hang out with his friends..which I am friends with too, he doesn't invite me along, or he calls me to chill after he goes home from his chillin with his friends. He hiding me? He just lookin for some easy ass? Idk..once again----> anyone have idea what that means? If it means anything at all?!

Work--work is going well. I just realized that I mght be only a seasonal person. It dawned on me on Friday. They told me that the summer gets real busy, and they need someone who is goin to be around. Then I thought more about it..then on Friday, I asked one of the lady's in my office area...Mary is her name..I asked her "hey mary am I just a seasonal?" And she said "Don't know yet. Not sure" then there was that pause..and she says "you're doing alright." And I asked her "I am doing okay? Is this kinda where, if I do a good job this summer, I might stick around?" And she says "yeah kinda." Then the phone rang, and that was the end of the conversation. I am nervous now...I don't want to be seasonal. I like this job! :(

School~~~~> I am lazy as usual, and I could be doing better if I tried and really applied myself. Instead here I am typing in this journal instead of doing homework. LOL! My life in general... is going okay, I can never have everything on my plate goign well, something, one thing at least, always falls off. The day I get the plate balanced will be the best days of my life.. I believe anyway.

Last nite was drama... I don't understand. Lacy tells me she doesn't like Tori, but then I meet up with Lacy..and guess who she is with? Lacy tells me how Tori is tryin to get in between Lacy and Jules. I guess its just stupid drama... that I am no longer getting involved with. Aaron-lacy's ex b/f. Tried to fight Dave, one of his good friends, and I felt bad for bringing Larisa around that... she was scared of the guys fighting and being drunk and stupid. Oh well... she thinks seeing drunk guys fight is bad, shit. Try being 15 and having a gun put to your head, or 16 with a metal bat at your fucking brain. Or being 15 and have your best friends boyfriend out a Machuette to your fuckin throat! I been through a lot... Anyway.. I am not upset with Lacy, I feel bad for her, and having to deal with Aaron's immature shit. I feel bad because she is losing her best friend Julia over some new girl. I feel bad for being mad at the guy I like. I feel bad for myself, for being such a fuck up. I feel bad for my sister, Larisa, for dealing with one parent who says "you need to ask if you can stay home" and the other parent saying "your not my responsibility" I feel bad for I guess not being a good enough friend (?) to larisa... I just can't believe she didn't ask me If I wanted to spend her "special b-day dinner" with her down at her dad's. I guess I am not good enough of a friend.
-Larisa told me how she talked to Erica..but she just it was what they talked about was "the usual, nothing special, nothing worth really talking about" She can never really tell me what they say to eachother, either she is ashamed (of what i have no idea) or embarassed to tell me. Either way I wish she would tell me things.

Anyhow--I am finished ranting... shower time now.
peace- Valerie
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Thursday, February 26th, 2004

Subject:just waiting....
Time:9:57 pm.
Mood: amused.
Music:Ben Harper.
Yay! New job is going well... life is going well, school is going well. This guy... I think we are doing well?!! I was talkin to this guy and he said he "might know" the guy I like! hhahhehehe! ;) I think he likes me too... at least that what his "friend" tells me... i have a nice body and he likes my shoes! LOL! Anyhow... I am watching dirt dancin on tv.. I like this movie! LOL! I think I am going to go... things are looking up, I could definitly get use to this! hehe! ;)
peace-
Valerie
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Sunday, February 22nd, 2004

Subject:one step at a time...
Time:10:46 am.
Mood:a better day.
Music:the early november.
Okay, him and I have been talking for two weeks now. Is it wrong to say I am totally into him? The things he says, the way he dresses, the way he smells, the way he holds me, the way we kiss! UUhhh! I am not sprung, I never allow myself to get that way, but I am doubtlessly diggin him!

So my guy friends are in town this weekend. I was a freshmen, and they were seniors at Piner High, in Santa Rosa, CA. So these guys are 21+ yrs old. I was majorly stoked to here that they came to Reno! See, my jr. yr. they came into town for a college basketball tourny. I brought my friend Brittney to their hotel with me to chill. Well, her and this guy Chris (CJ) hit it off, and they keep in touch since that nite. So he called her and was like "hey i am in town come see me" So I guess she tried to call me, and stopped by my house last nite, but I was gone...out to dinner at Chevy's baby!! hehe! Anyway- So I call her up on my way home, at like 10:15, she said she was at the hotel with the guys, by herself...and that HER friends Emma and Roxanne were on their way. to the hotel.

OOKKKAAYY-NO! That was not okay with me. Who the hell does she think she is inviting her friends up to their hotel? Fucking acting like she owns that crew..I don't THINK SO, never will happen. These are my guy friends.. MY CREW, she told me her friends were going..and I just felt like she was tryin to take my place with those guys. (i am a girl, yes i am bitchy, yes we are drama, and yes i am possesive in a way, if ppl try to replace me) Its funny too because my best friend in CA, Alyse, use to date one of my the guys, JJ. And thats how I met them..and JJ is good friends with CJ. So Alyse would go to their b-ball games (that were in town, (santa rosa)). And she saw that CJ has a girlfriend.... uh-oh...Brittneys getting played! HAHHA! I know these guys...oh so too well, needless to say I was played by one of the guys from that crew...but we are cool and good friends now. But back to what i am tryin to spit out: Alyse is all about her girls, and sticking up for them..backing them up no matter how wrong they are or what! Alyse told Brittney..hey yo CJ has a girlfriend..they have been dating for a while now. So Brittney asks CJ "do you have a girlfriend?" He just replied "no" LOL! (sure he doesn't have a girlfriend while he starts to feel you up..you don't see her there do you? Then nope he must not have one..at the moment anyway!)

So nonetheless, I am a pussy, and I didn't want to drive all the way to the Silver Legacy, show up by myself! And have someone else ruin my time.... So i never went to go see my guy friends. Interesting as it is the last time I talked to her was after I ate dinner...told her I was going to come. Then I never called her to say I wasn't, and she never called to see where I was?! I thought..and maybe I thought wrong..but don't normally when you are meeting up with someone, and they don't show, you call to see where they are or what happened to them? I guess not Brittney..she never bothered to call. That just showed to me how too conceeded and into the guys she was...she didn't really want me there I bet. I bet she wanted to be there with her friends, and those guys. The sad thing is ... Brittney is still in High School. Those guys are not serious about high school girls, even when they were in high school! LOL! And Brittney invites all her little friends..hahahah! Whatever!

On a better note: I got a fucking job... $9 bucks an hour! Whoa! I also work for my psy teacher... helping him type out shit, he is an online teacher..so I am pretty much the teacher temporarily. He has something wrong with his arm..so thats why I am helpin him out! Shit I don't mind making 12.50 an hour! I made a $100 dollars from him on Friday! So I got a job... I am pretty sure I got this guy hooked as mine, and I am having a good time being a college student partying!

My dad is making me pay rent now..which is shitty. I have to pay $250 a month, as well as my own car insurance... but my dad forgot how much my insurance is..so I only have to pay $120 a month! HAH! HE is such a fucking stoner... his memory loss is what saves my ass sometimes. That is really exciting to me... 120! Normally is $185, but the rates are going up because of my step-brother's car accident..and it will soon be $255 a month! So 120 compared to 250 is a killer deal!

I guess you could say I am happy. I feel more secure now that I have a job. I mean I have $237 to last me until a paycheck..which probly won't be until after March 1st, but March 1st I owe rent money..and insurance..and I still have to continue to fill my gas tank up. So I was stressing out there for a while..but now I feel a little better. I think its bullshit I have to pay my own schooling... then pay rent while i live at home with RESTRICTIONS...thats BS! My dad wouldn't be making money is I moved out... I know for a fact they would NOT get a room-mate and rent my room out, so its not like he is loosing anything by my living here. So really I am doing him a favor by living here! And if you know me..then you know I don't do my dad favors... I do shit to fuck him over!

Anyhow...apologies for the laziness I have been pulling.. I never post anymore. Mainly because if Larisa is home and I am on the computer just talkin to other ppl or updating my journal..she gets, uh-um, I don't know how to say it. So yea I hardly ever get the time to do this..plus I hate being online for a long time..its ties up my phone line, and I am always expecting someone to call...
I need a cell phone...soon, hopefully, soon. I know, I know i have been saying that I will get one soon, but you ppl dont understand! I WILL SOON! LOL! I am out to start my sunday morning off...a cup of tea, watch some dvd's and just kick back...probly get bored!
%-#=**&-$=^ bbaahh <----- no idea what that is! hehehe!
peace- Valerie
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Thursday, February 5th, 2004

Subject:all about herself
Time:7:39 am.
Mood: bored.
Music:SlutButt Spears.
i got laid off, because I called in "sick" just for her. I tell her I got fired, and she is just like "oh that sucks" No remorse, no comforting....nothin. Actually that nite, she gets all upset and cries over how she can't drop orchestra, and how her mom or dad never praise her or tell her good job. Her brother, 8th grade, is takin stupid, dumb-dumb classes...and he pulled off a 3.7 this semester, hse got a 3.5 Unfortunately her mom never even said good job, or i'm proud of you, but ranted about how well her lil brother did.
Sometimes I think, that she believes that she is the only one with problems, let alone similar problems that other ppl have. She thinks she has it so bad....wow! So the whole she just goes off about her, and the good friend I am, I just brush off my problems to help her, hoping that her and I would tlak later. Nope didn't happen.
If she doesn't care, then no one does. Or at least thats how I feel...she is the only person I know that actually cares, but last nite, and the nite I got fired..she didn't seem to care! Always yapped her mouth about herself.... this is a bit of a shock to me, although it shouldn't be but:

Right after the fired me, I left and drove to a payphone.... and the first person I called was her..line was busy, so the next person I call was Brittney..to my rescue again! I called her and told her what happened, and she just says "i'm sorry, everything will work out." -the average thing to say, but it was still nice. Then she says "today is my parents annervisary, they are stayin the nite at the Nugget, why don't you go chill at my house, I will call Breanne and let her know you are coming over." What a great she is to me....she is at work, and is just like -hey go to my place and chill. Then when I was at her house...within the first 10mins she says...oh my friend is a manager at Great Harvest, and I they are hiring..I could probly get you a job there!

My others friends Jules and Tori, are awesome too. hehe! they both said "well we are here for you" "we can help you find a job if you want" and blah blah blah! I appreciate everyone who has been so kind and caring...and for those of you who haven't been hu-hum Larisa- i am mad at you, every time I need you the most, you always find someone to bail.

Anyway, I am just an analyzer and dweller. Ted was always telling me "things happen for a reason" and that "its meant to be" and "fate" and all that otehr BULLSHIT! So I was thinking....deep thinking...heheh! Now I am in the biggest rut: coming up with $800 to pay off this lady from a car accident, going to school. And now me getting fired and being jobless... So if things happen for a reason, why did I get fired? Why now? I don't understand. Am I such a horrible person? I thought I was a good person...with good intentions, but apparently shits gotta bit my in the ass and fuck me over! I don't know... I am too lazy to type out all of the thouhts I had yesterday. But I definitely have way to much time on my hands! I need a job! I am going to go eat breaksfast, then get dressed and find myself a job!
peace-
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Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004

Subject:fuck it
Time:3:41 pm.
Music:Living Legends "loose cannon".
at least he tried. unlike others.... "caught your ass on a bad day? are you actin like you really should?"-song i am listening too.

i don't know anymore. everyday that goes by is another day closer to me giving up, i just don't know. why should i struggle through today just to make to the beginning of tomorrow and be right back to the start? if that makes sense....

without his nothing seems to make sense anymore....being under the skies isn't the same without him around....make a wish....hold your breath....cross your fingers
-i'm out- peace
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Saturday, January 31st, 2004

Subject:It must be fate
Time:12:42 pm.
Mood:anicle (that a word).
Music:the early november.
She didn't want to deal with the pain; so she did it really fast. She bled to death at last! She cut down her slim wrists and her feet with a knife. Quickly she tried to wipe up the blood with an old bed sheet. Right then she changed her mind, she realized she didn't want to die. She had too much to live fore, she thought. But no matter what, she couldn't live anymore because she did it, and now it was too late. I guess it must be fate. She fell heavily down to the grass. That was it, she was dead eventually someone found her, and called ambulance, hoping it wasn't too late.But it was, I guess it must be fate.
don't know what else to say. last nite i went and saw the butterfly effect, and along came polly, both good movies..the butterfly effect was WICKED-AWESOME, everyone should go see it, I'll admit I sheded a few tears..it was that good! b4 we (larisa and I)went to the movies we stopped off at albertson's for some goodies, and guess who was working?! Casey Smith...larisa's lover boy! it was so rad.... we parked and got out of my truck, and her and I were walkin into the store...Casey was collecting the carts, so I told her to go over there and talk to him..and she said "NO!" so i nudged her towards his way..and she was like "stop, no!" (she got all embarassed, but whatever) and then when we were out of his site..and by the entrance I threw her up against the wall (literally) and grabbed her sweater, and told her to go over there and talk to him or I was have to kick her ass! hehe! ;) and she did it!! she went over there, they talked, she asked him what he was doing this weekend ect. then she said "you should call me and we can chill" GO RISA, GO RISA! LOL!!!! anyway, we left albertson's with all kinds of goodies, casey got her number, and we even got to the movie still early, then we got to see another movie for free! last nite was good times!
Mike never called me. For your curiousity, yes we had a great dinner! Lobster, crab, bread, cream of spinach (spelling?), raspberry cream bru le...nice convo. Very very nice guy! WE STILL HAVEN'T KISSED! I am so not use to this.... i am use to the guys all grabby touchy feely ect. Anyhow it was nice, then the next day I went to work (thursday nite) i had to be in at 4, and he was there with his roomate drinking a beer at the bar! YAY! I got to see him... he invited me over when i got off work, I told him i would call. I called him at like 9:30, left him a voicemail saying I was going to shower then go to bed! so i wouldn't make it over... I guess he called while I was in the shower, and I haven't heard from him since! what the hell?!! whatever, i am over it, I am not going to stress over something as lame as it is! He calls cool, if not whatever! LOL! I already got another guy anyway! LOL!
i'm so over th radio, all i ever hear are songs the ted dedicates to me, or he says the song reminds him of us, or that a song is how he feels or whatever!

**the hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else**
**words shrink things that seem timeless**
**some walk through our lives with footsteps of love and strong impact. Others stomp through shattering our stability and expectations. So, how do we choose those that are worthy?**

That last stanza, "some walk through" that is my all time favorite poem, and that has stuck with me since my freshmen yr. My friend Katie that was a jr. wrote that in my yearbook! And its so true!
just thought I would end with a little something for you to ponder about! i am bored, and going to go do something! one-
<3 Valerie
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Wednesday, January 28th, 2004

Subject:FUCK THE BITCH!
Time:3:12 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Music:PROPAGANDHI.
I swear to fucking god I hate this family, and everyone it in; IE-THE GRANDMOTHER! I wish I could kill her, if I could get away with it I would! I swear that too!
Why I am so pissed off right now? Well read on..... so last nite larisa asks me if I can pick up her and dimitry up from school. I told her I couldn't b/c I had school. So today it turns out I could pick them up! Like a smart person I called RHS and told them to send a note to Larisa telling her I would pick her up! Then I called their grandmother, and asked her if larisa had called her... the grandmother...we will refer to her has "the old hag" okay, so the old hag told me no larisa never called her, so I said "okay bye" Check, I had it all covered, larisa never called her grandmother to pick them up, and I contacted Larisa so she would know that I would pick them up and not the old hag. Well I get to RHS parking lot 5mins early...and guess who is there? THE OLD HAG! I ran up to her car, and said hi. She asked me what I was doing, and I asked her the same. So we were both there to pick the kids up...but how did that happen? I thought I covered it? FAG NICK called his grandma at lunch and told her to pick them up. I told the old hag that since I just drove all the way to RHS I would take them, that way she doesn't have to go to our house..since it would be out of her way. She says "no i will take them, I am here" I said "no I am already here, and going to go to our house, I just raced here from my school, so I will just take them" She starts rambling on about shit, and yelling at me. Then her last sentence was "I just want to take MY grandkids home" And gave me the look. I hate her, and the way she emphasized MY GRANDKIDS, made it clear-like it always has been-that she does not want anything to do with me, and does not consider me a grandkid.
So I just walk away, and head back to my truck. I sit in my truck waiting, b/c I wanted to talk to larisa. Well the old hag got all paranoid..she starts to roll up her windows in her car, locker her car doors, then walks up to the exit where Larisa would walk out....(she is standing by the fucking door, of where larisa is going to come out...i would die if my grandma did that to me...waited for me right there...fuck that!) n-e who...she waits a while by the school door, then walks over to my truck, and YELLS AT ME MORE! "why are you still here, go home, I said I wanted to take my grandchildren home, blah blah blah" FUCK THAT..i don't need an old hag yelling at me!!!! She finally walked away...and I drove off, and missed the chance to talk to larisa.
I go home..eat, chill, and start typing this all out..and the kids walk in the door. GUESS WHAT THE OLD HAG DID? Erica should know this.....anyone who knows larisa should know what the old hag did for them? TOOK THEM TO MCDONALD'S (larisa's favorite!)
I think the old hag knew all along she would take them..thats why she made a big deal out of her taking them home and not me....and EVERYONE and ANYONE...take note of how I was not invited nor did any get sent home for me. The old hag does that all the time....anytime the ask their grandma to take them out to lunch or dinner or breakfast or something... and she knows that I am there, she says she can't. Then the next day when I can't make it or am not around she takes them. SHE IS SUCH (EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE) BUT SHE'S A CUNT! It's funny how they always goes out to dinner or whatever when I am not around...you think after 2 or 3 yrs of living here, it just happens by coincidence??? I sure as hell don't. Maybe I am being paranoid?! IRONIC!?!?!
Feel free to give any input... erica I am somehow hoping you will comment and say something comforting, b/c I think u are the only one who could even come close to relating or understand where I am coming from... but my guess is you won't even read this! hahahaha! Alright I gotta go get ready for my second date with Mike! He is taking me to dinner in Tahoe, at some sea food place...I don't like sea food! I don't like eatting in front of ppl...well ppl I barely know~ I am nervous can u tell? Okay I am going to go figure out what I am going to wear! peace-
Valerie
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Sunday, January 25th, 2004

Subject:da na na la la hum uh
Time:4:29 pm.
Mood: excited.
Music:Modest Mouse.
I GOT A DATE TONITE! Well kinda, this guy came, Mike, came into my work friday nite, got my number and said he would call...didn't expect him to, but he called me today! We talked for alittle over an hour on the phone...which was cool, seeings how guys my age don't talk on the phone for that long to a girl! And so he asked what I was doing tonite after work, and i said nothing. and he says "well you should come over" he invited me over for dinner tonie...was going to cook me dinner, but I gotta go work, so I am going over to his place after dinner! He is 20, and is a junior at UNR, and works with an accounting place, and real estate broker place, so he makes good money...lives on his own, and he DRIVE A TOYOTA TACOMA, EXTENDED CAB and the TRD OFF ROAD PACKAGE!! yay! anyhow i gotta go to work at 5, so i gotta go finish gettin ready...i'm running around my room half naked and talkin to ppl while tryin to get ready! hahah! I am so happy...in a frivilous mood! THATS MY WORD "frivilous" i love it! hehe! I hope everything turns out well tonite..i will post tomorrow and tell ya how it went! laterz!
Valerie
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Saturday, January 24th, 2004

Subject:over this clock. time thingy for this journal
Time:11:23 pm.
Mood: indescribable.
Music:cooled out mix.
dkalf;djfklfeuna U got that? Cool, great, grand, WONDERFUL, because I didn't! I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say, I don't know where to go, I don't know who to talk to, I don't know much i guess. Maybe thats why I am such a fuck-up?

I worked last nite til 10pm. I got home, and fought with larisa...over lame ass shit! Cam IMed me last nite inviting me to Egg Roll King...which btw made me extremely happy that he invited me, I love that place, I am glad I brought Cam into the "egg roll king world" hehe! I yold him I would go, and bring Larisa along..since she was going to be in town for the day, the going to her days later. I told him to just call me. Well I never got a message on my answering machine from him...so no call! :( i was bummed but oh well, maybe next time.
Larisa was like "what a jerk, he never called us to go, and blah blah blah...she also mentioned something about how it will be interesting to see jack...i guess he has been rude to her the last few times they talked. I didn't tell her that Cam invited just me, but she was just weird. Since we never to Egg Roll King, she said quite a few times "oh i want egg roll king" "what jerks for not callin, I am goin to bitch them out" in her kind of jokingly voice. I just find it funny how she has the right to get all mad that they didn't call her...when first off she wasn't officially invited, and secondly how can she get mad at them for not callin? I don't know how to explain it....it just made me a little bitter.
On the flipside, Larisa and I hung out with my grammy all day today! B4 I had work at 5. My grammy wanted to go to the new Wal-Mart that opened up off McCarren...and Maeanne. (btw we went there today and I thought of Cam, because I took him to his dads house one day...and his dad's house isn't far from the new Wal-Mart....so i was thinkin of u today cam "oyd") So my grammy shopped her heart out there! It was soo funny! She bought me all kinds of little stupid things that i needed. She got me a realyl cool fuzzy white rug..i think its sheep skin or something like that type of a rug..its comfy. Its not too big, and I've wanted a rug in my room for sooososo long, then Larisa wanted rugs in her room..even thou she has carpet..and of course her mom bought her some.... but whatever. I at least got a rug, even if larisa got to it first, at least the are different. She bought me some binders for my classes, and variety colored pack of sharpie permn. markers...so i can draw and write on cds with cool colors! yay! She bought me a little calendar/notebook thingy, and thats all. Exciting huh?! I think so!
I still haven't heard back from Tom, I hope all is well, and wish him the best. I hope he is doing okay. I miss him!
I'm hungry, maybe tired, bored for sure...I got off work tonite at 9pm!! CAN U BELIEVE IT? 9pm i was home...amazing! My sister is in So Tahoe this weekend with KD, and Stac(my sister) told me she was going to come to my house on Sat. nite and spend the night here, so I was all stoked to be getting off early tonite...I rushed home and walked inside. My parents were in bed already, and my Grammy was sittin on the couch watchin tv alone! No show of my sissy! I guess she changed her mind on coming down for the nite. I don't know the whole story, or why...She wouldn't pick up her celly, and hasn't called back, so oh well, its tooo late now! Majorly disappointing thou. So I watched a cheesy movie on ABC family my grammy was watching. Her and I stayed up and had cocktails...hehe!
I no longer work on weekends now! I have friday nites and saturday nites off! I requested weds and fri's, but they hired a new hostess and she can work on sat. nites so they gave it to her! I was pissed..because thats when I make the most money...working those full 5 or 6 hours on fri or sat nites! I requested Wed. off b/c I am at school til 4:50 and don't wanna go to work at 6pm at nite! Then I requested fri's off so I could spend them with Larisa...she will be starting spring soccer soon, and always stays home on friday nites. So I got those off just for her! ;)
Mari-O just signed on...I am going to go talk to him now. I will update tomorrow since I have nothing to do during the day, and i go in to work at 5. Call me if u wanna do something until 4:30pm ANYONE
Valerie
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Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Subject:Mark my points of failing
Time:9:21 am.
Mood: cranky.
Music:Couting Crow-Color Blind.
9:21pm
"I need a good kick in the ass"-its a song, not litterally.

It was to my idea that I would make my family these really yummy potata's. That my ex-stepmom Kendra makes! They are just so good, it leaves me speechless to explain the taste! ;) Anyhow, then I came to the idea that I would just make a whole meal. Larisa somehow ended becoming part of my chef skills, and her and I made dinner together. We ate: Teriyaki Chicken (boneless and skinless kind of chicky) sauate`d some fresh green beans, cesear salad, fresh french warm bread, and of course the yummy potata's!!! I cooked the chicken, and potata's and flavored the green beans, larisa did the prepping and attempted to flavor the green beans, and did the pre-made bought kind of salad!
I had never used a grill by myself b4, nonetheless my chicken came out good prefect, and well seasoned! The whole meal turned out terrfic, I guess watching Emerald all these years really paid off! hehe ;) jp!
What else?! I miss Thomas! I e-mailed him the other day...and word yet, he must be in the "green cycle" training right now. I still miss him thou! I can't wait to see him this summer!
I came to the conclusion that I just really want a boyfriend right now. Even thou boys are lame! :p
I don't know why I am even cranky right now either... I have been in a bad mood for a week now. I think I am pmsing...although this is been going on for like 2 weeks now! bbbaaaahhhhh!!
Anyhow, I go back to work tomorrow.... :( depressing I will be there so late, I hate work, it sucks up ur social life, at least during school I had a social life...ah chillin and drinkin with friends..what I wouldn't give! haha! I start lectures next monday...exciting but at the same time makes me nervous!
I am going to go now...my grammy just got here, she is in town for the weekend, and staying with us. My aunt, uncle and little cousins are in town too, but stayin at the new Marriot in So Tahoe! Must be nice to be rich! I am off to bed... post if u want! peace
Valerie
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Sunday, January 18th, 2004

Subject:just an alright night..
Time:12:08 pm.
Mood: thirsty.
Music:Old Skool Rap Mix!!! ya!.
12:08am
Tonight was just an alright night. My sister Stacy is in town from Santa Rosa, CA. I worked from 11 til 3pm, got home chilled with larisa, and then her and I got ready to go out. We went to my sisters hotel room, drank and chilled there. Then my friend Brittney came and met up with us, and we walked to the Silver Legacy and met up with my parents. We ate at some cafe in Circus-Circus, which was cool. My parents split, and never told Larisa a curfew, so Larisa and I went back up to the hotel room...which was kinda boring. The crew and my sister were tired and stuff, so BrittBritt, Larisa and I bailed. Just got home a little bit ago... Oh I was getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth and my phone rings. And it was Ericson.... and of course what does he want? What every guy calls you for at midnight.... he was "I was wondering if you wanted to swing by my place? But since you are in bed.." and I was just replied "yea i just got home, and I am tired. I will call u tamara." --Ya right like I'm gonna call him...unless he is going to make me a better fake id, like he said he would.
HOLY NIPPELS! My sissy got HER NIPPELS PIECRED TODAY! She got of them pierced..she is crazy the were still kinda bleeding when I saw then tonite, and it sucks because when her nippels get hard, it hurts her really bad, on top of the pain she already has! I don't like it though, I think the piercing is trashy... come on now, what kind of pleasure does she get from it? None...the guy does but not her! But whatever...thats her deal.
I am too tired and lazy to type about the WHOLE deal with Brittney. To give a short summary...we met my junior yr, her sophmore yr at RHS, and she tutored me in our math class...which is how we met. Anyhow, we were best friends... but then my senior yr, shit just went to hell and we stopped being friends. Somehow or another this yr, actually just recently we having been hanging out and talking. Which is way cool, nad makes me happy! I missed having her around. The only thing is... Larisa, Larisa is my best friend, and I don't want to make larisa feel like I am replacing her with Brittney, or that she (larisa) was just a convient friend. Ya know? Oh well too much drama, I will deal with it when it comes to it...
The lady I got in a car accident with is a bitch, and called my car insurance company...I don't know what I am going to do, she said If I could write her a check for 800 this weekend she wouldn't go through insurance, otherwise she is and will. BITCH!!! And she is lieing even more..saying I scrapped the whole side of her car, and some other b.s.
I am watching Howard Stern right now! I love this show...its so great! Although right now its nasty, this chick is banging herself, and having an orgasm. Apparently there are doctors or whatever, that teach women and men, how to make women orgasm, weather is be with a vibrator, or self manually, or sex. They said there is a website...haha I wanna check that website out, and post it to every guy I know! LOL!!
I am done typing now...time to lie down in bed and watch the tube. laterz
Valerie Lynne
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Friday, January 16th, 2004

Subject:fucking users
Time:11:23 pm.
Mood: bitchy.
Music:Outkast.
I am begining to realize something...maybe I am wrong but I don't know. I just hate how people go through me for larisa. Like Nick (form incline) that just really bugs me I guess, and then just now I was talkin to a certain someone online, and I told that person I gotta go bye, and the person says oh well is ur sis there this weekend?! If u want to talk to larisa, fine, don't go through me, don't use me, and kinda be my friend, but really you the person you want is larisa.
.......It was a bad night tonite.... and I am just in a bitter mood, and analyzing everything way too much! I am going now, because I am pissy and over typing in my journal now.
PEACE-OUT
Valerie Lynne p.s. I'll mention BrittBritt in the next entry....don't know when that will be either.
POST COMMENTS YOU SHIT-HEADS...I know you are reading this! comment!
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Subject:WAY TOO LONG
Time:9:25 am.
Mood: curious.
Music:TV-.
Its been way too long....my computer decided to take a shit on me, and my internet was down, along with other problems. Anywho, thanks to Bobbins my computer is faster, I have windows XP, looks better, and its just cooler! Bobbins came over last nite to fix it up, and while we waited to it to load up, we played nintendo..Super Mario 3. Fun times for sure! Larisa thinks that Bobbins, Robert, and I should date, and get married. After he left yesterday she says "so whens the wedding" LOL! Funny funny, girl. Apparently we looked "SO CUTE" playing nintendo!! hehe! He is cute ;)
I work tonite at 5, so I have the day to sit around...kinda nice, and I am watching the Michael Jackson case live on TV right now. In a way a feel for the guy. I think the parents of the child, and Jackson himself are guilty. WHAT KIND OF PARENT ARE YOU sending you child over to Jackson's house if he is known for molestation??!! I think the parents got greedy, and saw their kid as money signs! As far a Jackson....he has issues, mentally, I don't believe that he sexually abused the little boy, I do believe that he gave him the wine, and intended for something to happen. STUPID PARENTS thou! Thats like sending your 14yr old daughter to and ex-con who was in jail for rape?! Enough of that...
I really wanted to update the other day because I was so frustrated! Larisa got a fricken gutiar, electric. I just got all pissy...I am pretty sure all the kids have known from the start that I use to play the accoustic, and that I want an electric guitar, and then Nick got one from his dad's, and now Larisa has one...neither of them know how to play, Nick took lessons but dropped 'em. Larisa's mom won't get her lessons, yet anyway..I'm sure she will eventaully, just a matter of time. And ya... I want a guitar!! When I am ever going to get my break and get something that I want. It hard sometimes...living w/ my Dad and his girlfriend, and her 3 kids. Ya know how mom's are, always caring if youg et hurt, helping you out, giving you some money. I don't have that. I have my lame dad who is an asshole. Its hard b/c the kids get just about EVERYTHING they want. And I get a whole lotta NOTHIN! I am extremly jealous that Larisa got a guitar... and of course she brings it into my room, lays on my bed with it, and just strums it, and then watches tv...with it right next to her!! The guitar is really her step-brother Taylors', but he didn't want it anymore so he gave it to her, and Nick and her are sharing the amp.
A string already broke on her guitar... sad..I know I would be soosos depressed! Its odd thou..it just somehow went out of tune, and a string busted?! Hrm... I am thinkin her brothers messed with it.
...that was frustrating..I just want an accoustic gutiar, so I can play Lynrd Sknyrd, Jewel, Sherly Crow, Dashboard, Counting Crows, and others!! Well I want an electric too, but I want to get an accoutic again first.
I got in a car accident the other day... on the 10th to be exact. It was not my fault, but the lady is blaming it on me, I have two witnesses saying it was not my fault, and she has one saying it was my fault. The way it happened: I was at Albertsons and I was backing out of my parking spot, I was fully out of the spot, and was just shifting into first to go forward, and right b4 I was in 1st gear, I felt a little bump. I re-parked my car, and the lady parked her MINI-VAN and she asked if I was okay, and all that. Then she says I didn't even see you, but I guess you didn't see me either!-bitchy-So I told her I didn't want to go through insurance, and she didn't want to either. side note-if i got through insurance, and get found at fault, I get dropped of my parents insurance policy, and once ur dropped from a policy, its hard to get onto a new one for a decent price rate. So we exchanged numbers, and insurnace stuff, incase I just walked away..she took my info. So she calls me and we talk, I told her how I do not feel fully at fault, and that her and I should split the repair price 50/50 and call it even. I told her how my dad looked at my truck and there was a dent (which there isn't) and kept going on. She said "well u are a fault, but if you don't want to pay I guess we can always settle this throu insurance"-BITCH STLYE! So she said I will go and get estimates done and call you back within the next few days. Well she calls me two days ago..she got an estimate... 1,200!! I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY! My dad said I am on my own, and he can't help me because he has backed up bills til June. I just paid for my schooling... 706.25, I barely scrapped for that.. I don't have 1,200 to pay for this lady. I told her I don't have that kind of money, and that was a lot. She says oh i know, I will go get another if you want...just tell me where. So I told her Jarfbro's nad ask for Decron tell them Judge Berry sent you. Jordan Berry told me of the place.. I guess thats where his parents go. So I am waiting to hear from the lady-Donna-to see what Jarfbro's estimate was. Side note again: "I" barely dented in the side of her mini-van, and lightyl scrathed paint off! I mean the dent is small..we are talking smaller than 10x10" I don't know what to do...I just got my paycheck: $321.61 but 185 of that goes to car insurance... where am I going to get $1,200?? If any of you know of a body shop, that is cheap, or if you parents have a hook up somewhere...PLEASE TELL ME!!
Other than stressing about the accident...and starting full-time school, and full-time work soon, life is just peachy fucking king. I am soooso sad... what am I going to do? I have 300 I can spend... I bet I could get my down to give me like 200, but he won't pay 1,200 for me. I can't believe I got in a car accident... I am such a stupid, lame ass person. I hate myself, I swear I can never do anything right..I always fuck something up...ALWAYS.
I talked to my sissy last nite, and the nite b4. When I talked to her on Wed. night she told me how she saw Alyse, Alyse came into her work looking for a place to rent for her boyfriend. Alyse is my best friend...since spohmore yr. Her and I been throu a lot of shit, and drama, and experiences! ;) This summer when I was living in Santa Rosa (S.R.) CA she moved to Santa Barbara for her boyfriend Clint. She was not that happy there, no friends, or family, and was not going to school, and was working full-time barely paying for rent and oter bills. So b4 x-mas she moved back home to S.R. She broke up with Clint. But like a week a go her moved back to S.R. too...for her! So I guess they are back together, and he is looking for a place, b/c right now he is crashing at a friends place for the time being. Then my sissy told me that TED CALLED HER!
I tried to pretend like I wasn't interested or that Ididn't care, but I was..kinda.. he called my sister!??! Stac told me how he was looking for a place to live/rent, b/c he had to move out of the house he was in. As you all remember..I told you about Gabby and Juan, they are sibilings, and Ted is dating Gabby, and is best friends with Juan. Juan moved to Ecuador...and TEd moved into his old bedroom. Ted lives with Gabby and her mom. GAbby shares a bedroom with her mom....sound fmailiar?! Soyea... my sissy told me that Juan is moving back home, and so that means Ted needs to find a place to live. I guess they just talked a little, and he asked about me. Nothing really, he just asked "So hows ur sister doing?" And my sister told him "oh shes doing well, she needed to pay for school, and that was 706 and she did it, and she is working, and doing great."
I thought.... and thought... and I realized I just need closure. Its like what Erica was saying in her journal. Ted was my best friend for soososo long, and we went through a lot together, his family issues and mine. He is my best friend... and I just am scard of losing that. I moved back to S.R. this summer, and he had changed...as well as I, but differently. Everyday Ted and I are goign distant, and going in different directions. That doesn't mean I don't care how he is doing...that doesn't mean I don't want to still talk to him. Him and I don't talk at all....and that kills me, I just sit around and wonder "oh I wonder how he is, or how his little baby brother is" His baby brother was born this last summer, when I was living there. I just need that closure, I want to be able to talk to him I guess. I am not sure. He told me sister about how he got a D.U.I. and got his license taken away. So he can't drive, and I just wonder "oh how does he get to school, or work, or home?" I thought about calling him at work...but I don't know if that is a good idea. If he will get mad, or his dad will get pissed (we works for his dad's business) or if he want to talk to me on the phone. I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
Am I being a stalker if I call? Am I over-thinking all of this? Should I just let him go and get over myself? I DON'T KNOW!
I got a little poem, this is the way I have been feeling lately:
Everyday Thoughts-
I wake up every day
wishing i were more
I feel like I was put here on this earth
but I don't know what for

My emotions surround me
and I don't think I can hold it in
i feel like I need to scream
but I am too condemned

I want to look at the world
I want to look up at the skies
i want this world tobe peaceful
and not full of lies

If someone only loved me
the world would be right
I want someone to hold me
each and every night

I want to be in love
and know that he loves me too
but I know someday it will end
and I won't know what to do

And sometimes when things get too rough
I want to crawl in my shell and hide
From all the things in the world
and not let anyone see the me inside

I lie awake at night
and try tomake sense of the day
So many things to contemplate
so many things I didn't say

Then i wake up the net morning
promising myself deep inside
I'll fix the things I messes up yesterday
and then at the end of the day I realize I lied

I'm only one person
I can't do it all
I try my hardest to please everyone
but all I do is fall.
::::::::::::::::> kinda cheesy I know, but its an old poem, I have just been relating to it lately. I wrote it on my window a long time ago... and I saw there like a week ago. I just fit for the time being.
K, I have to go shower and do chores now... I will try updating later. OH WAIT! I remeber one other thing I wanted to say
So the other day my friend Nick (from Incline) he is my friend Vince's brother, so he calls me last weekend, and asks what I am up too, i told him I had work so I couldn't chill. He asks about Larisa..b/c he liked her, maybe he still does..and I told him she was in town nad blah blah blah. So while i am at work he calls larisa and says "I am coming over" and apparently gives her no time to respond. So she goes downstairs and tells her mom "mom my friend Nick and some of his friends are coming over" so they stop by and visit her for a bit. I was just jealous b/c he is my friend..I introduced her to all those guys, and they come over to see her and not me?! But yet she gets mad at me for hanging out with Erica and Cameron?! Whatever... just got me mad, but I am over it now. And then I guess Cameron called her the other day....and she didn't even tell me. She forgot. She says that she doesn't like that crew anymore, but yet she says "oh yea Cameron nad I are doing soup, and taylor owes me snowcone, I should hang out with them sometime" Cameron asked me a while ago... online..he said "ask larisa when her and i are doing sopu?" and so i asker her, and she said she had no idea what he was talking about, but to tell him "whenever you bring it to me" So then two days ago she tells me how cameron called the other day, and they are going to do soup sometimte... I was like "oh i thought you didn't know anything about soup?" She said she didn't then, but then they talked just recently about it. Whatever...I think she just didn't want to say anything about it. Maybe she knew but felt bad for giving me shit for hangin out with them, but yet she made plans with Cam..so maybe she just felt bad. I don't know, I am over it though. I just wonder where they got the idea for soup? That is kinda Mari-O and I's thing, that I had made plans for Aleasha, Erica, Jane, Larisa, Alison, and I. But it turned out to be only Aleasha, Larisa, Mari-o and I. Anyway Brittbritt just got over here..I am going to go
Note to Self: Brittney~
V, V, bang bang Bam Bam lol great times britt! Yuckie Aussie thou, Jason is lame.... I missed my brritbritt..is good having her around again..ok i really gotta go chill with her now...I will update again soon and tell you all about her!!!
peace-
Valerie Lynne
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Wednesday, January 7th, 2004

Subject:when I eat ur ass, would you prefer jelly or syrup
Time:10:24 am.
Mood:as well as determind.
Music:Michelle Branch.
hahaha! Apparently, its from a movie. Me and some of my friends from work, were really bored, and writting dirty things on a notepad I had up front. And one of our waiters is gay, Eddie, and he is soso rad! And he wrote that down...he's funny. I like my hostess job, I just can not stand one of the managers Nate. He's such an ass, and a tad bit on the perv side! LOL!

Well, not last nite, but the nite b4, which I think was the 5th. I didn't post because I had a little episode....

I talked to a friend, Richard, but I call him Andrew, his middle name. He is mutual friend from Ted. Anyhow I called him last nite...hadn't talked to him in a while, he called my New Yrs Eve, and i never called him back so I returned the call. Well curiousity got the best of me, and I asked him what the deal was with Ted and Gabby, and he said they are doing surprisingly well, he said that Ted got Gabby a promise ring. And blah blah blah...well I about broke down, hearing that. I told Andrew I had to go, and I hung up the phone and just balled my eyes out! I can't believe that shit! They have been dating for a month...Nov. and he got her a promise ring for x-mas! I just broke down last nite. I just feel so alone, and I hate being alone. And I just got really mad at myself for leaving him...and wondered why I even left him. I never really did give Santa Rosa a good try. I just gave up and left, and left Ted. And I just kept analyzing it. And i tore myself down..."why did I leave Ted? Would I be happy there? I left him, for this...for being alone, for having no one. What would things be like if I hadn't left?" I repeated those thoughts, over and over, and beat the shit out of myself with them!

I don't know what my deal is. I just laugh though, because I got a promise ring, I got looked straight in my eyes, and told "i love you" or "I want to take care of you" or "I want us to grow old together, I wanna be the old man, with him old wife, and we go out to dinner, and I race to the door just to open it first" or "i promise" or "i will always be around" "i never wanna leave you, i cant even stand it when you leave for a minute" HA! FUCKER! YOU PROMISED ME....YOU TOLD ME....YOU SAID....YOU LOOKED...YOU SHOWED...YOU LIED. I hate liars. They are definiately not my favorite persons.

I have never had a guy promise such serious things, I never had a guy look me in the eye, and say those things, and really mean them....

Last nite Andrew called me drunk... oi vieh! He told me he felt bad for the other nite, and he said he feels bad tellin me about Ted and Gabby b/c he knows how much I care, but he said at the same time Ted and Gabby are my friends. I told Andrew it was cool, and I understand, and it was chill. I told him I wanted to know, since Ted won't talk to me, or return my emails..which by the way I did email him the other day..and he never replied back! I told Andrew I do want to know, I want to make sure Ted is doing okay, and his dad and him are okay..and his baby born brother, Sam is okay..ect. And as much as it hurts, I do want to know about Gabby and him. I know that Ted and I will never be, ever again, but I still wanna know about him. So Andrew, says "well I know I said that it wouldn't last long, but then he got her a promise ring, and I went down there and stayed with them, and I saw how they are." and there was a pause and he said "I don't know now, the other day Ted was up early gettin ready for work, and I had stayed the night there, and Ted was running out the door, and gabby went said "hunny, you almost forget your stuff" and Ted said "thanks babe, thats why I love you so much" and Gabby said "oh i love you more" and Andrew said they went and forth for like 5 mins of who loves who.

Thats sickening... Andrew told me "I know Ted very well, and I have seem him in his relationships, and I have never seem him this happy as I have with anyone, including you." OOoouuuwweeeyyy! That burnt me! But at least it didn't make me cry! I am glad he is happy with someone else. But that was just a little harsh to hear, would you agree? Ted's dad, Ted, and his whole family, even his umpoppa, said "Sweetest thing (thats what they called me) I have never seen my boy or grandson so happy in his entire life, I don't know what it is you do to him, but keep doing it"

I guess I wasn't good enough...but now he found someone who is. Surprisingly enough I am not upset, or butt hurt over this. I just miss him, but honestly, I don't miss the relationship. LOL! He wasn't that good of a boyfriend. My 18th b-day he showed up late, and was stoned, and never even got me anything for my b-day! Sweet deal huh?!

I am living one day at a time, trying to make money, and stay as happy as possible. As for Ted, I am really trying to oush you out of the picture. I finally got the balls to take ONE picture of us down, from my room! hah! I really feel over him. And I think, and tell myself "he was sososo age 15!"

Anyhow I gotta go...I will try updating later tonite..or something. if you are reading this...and you know what i am going through, or understand, or anything, leaving a F-ENG COMMENT!! LOL! peace-out
~*~*<3 Valerie Lynne~*~*~
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